Time to Golightly

Iyanla Vanzant

2012-02-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

"You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them." —Iyanla Vanzant

A Partner to Dance With

2012-02-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

This is from Richard Rohr's daily email and it really spoke to me. These are the kinds of thoughts I have that I cannot express (yet) in the beautiful way he does, but I can aspire to because If there is no aspiration, there is no moving forward.

Prayer is no longer to ask for things that I what I want or as a way to get into heaven because I am "supposed to", it has been morphing into what he so aptly names an interior journey. He writes it so beautifully. And I love at the end that he describes that we have a dancing partner with God. Now that is a vision that I can hold onto and move forward with. No fear, just love.

“Everything exposed to the light itself becomes light,” says
Ephesians 5:13. In prayer, we merely keep returning the divine gaze and we become its reflection, almost in spite of ourselves (2 Corinthians 3:18). The word “prayer” has often been trivialized by making it into a way of getting what we want. But I use “prayer” as the umbrella word for any interior journeys or practices that allow you to experience faith, hope, and love within yourself. It is not a technique for getting things, a pious exercise that somehow makes God happy, or a requirement for entry into heaven. It is much more like practicing heaven now.

Such prayer, such seeing, takes away your anxiety for figuring it all out fully for yourself, or needing to be right about your formulations. At this point, God becomes more a verb than a noun, more a process than a conclusion, more an experience than a dogma, more a personal relationship than an idea. There is Someone dancing with you, and you are not afraid of making mistakes.

Being in the Right Place at the Right Time

2012-02-09T05:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in my car I caught a short blip on Oprah's Soul Series with Elizabeth Lesser. These are moments that I have been experiencing quite often lately when I know I was supposed to hear just that message from the universe. In this case, two authors, one a neuroscientist, the other a therapist describe how God changes your brain. Newberg, MD and Waldman conducted scientific studies, and tested brainwaves of all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs. I was riding along la ti da and bam, this is what I hear: They described how fundamentalist beliefs which can give you comfort also make your overall outlook more angry, fearful and judgmental. But those who contemplate a loving God rather than a punitive God, have less anxiety, depression and increase their feelings of security, compassion and love.

Wow! It was so very specific to my listening ears! Scientific evidence of the feelings that I have had over the last 2-3 years but never put together in this concise way and my ears tingled as they spoke specifically about fundamentalist beliefs.

At a retreat a few years back, I met with a minister and we discussed that I needed to change how I viewed God because he felt out "there" and I have been intentionally working towards this. Even further, I had to work up the courage to make the appointment to sit with the pastor in the first place. I had not felt worthy of taking up her time. If I heard someone say that to me about themselves now, it would make me sad. I know I have come a long way and yet I aldo know I hope to continue the unlearning for years to come.

For years now, I have had to move past my exposure to God being presented as THE judge, that I needed to be saved from hell (and a walk down a church aisle could do that trick in an instant!), as well as talk of the devil, armageddon, etc. And I even grew up Methodist which could be one step away from Unitarianism, but it was a tiny church and there was much intermingling with a tiny Baptist church. As time passes, I have become more open, less judgmental and feel so much more secure with my own beliefs. But it all began with the first recognition that what I heard in the past did not sit well with me and that there was another way. If I had had more esteem I probably would have walked away from the church for good but I was too scared I would go straight to hell. Now I will spend the rest of my life embracing love over fear. That is what really works for me now.

I don't have time to read every book that interests me because there are so many, thus when I catch a little nugget of information like this that pertains so particularly to me, I am so thankful and in awe, that I heard exactly what I needed to hear especially when I didn't even know I needed to hear it. I am open to hearing from all sources now to heal myself. Namaste.

Demi Moore's Struggle and Self Acceptance

2012-01-30T06:50:00.000-08:00

As Demi and Ashton's breakup has been in the news for a while now and her frail physique has been shown and then the announcement that she was in rehab, I was surprised. I had forgotten whether or not she had been in rehab before yet I did remember that she looked so physically strong in GI Jane. She looked so confident in the movie when she was a stripper (yes, I watched it!) and then when she wore THAT black bikini in Charlie's Angels 2.

And then I remembered she is an actress. Her life's work is to make us believe the persona she is portraying on screen. And this was my aha: looks can be deceiving. Underneath that muscular facade, she may not have been as strong as she looked. And now looking at the bikini picture again with different eyes and a new perspective of loving my body as is, she looks thin and frail.

Demi made a comment in a magazine article that was on the news that was very sad.

"I would say what scares me is that I'm going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I'm really not loveable, that I'm not worthy of being loved. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me." The addiction specialist being interviewed said that this message was full of shame and I understand that.

I am so glad that I am waking up to the fact that I am loveable no matter what shape or form I am in. Our bodies are just the means through which we move through life, and are not to be judged. I am learning to unconditionally love my body and my inner self.

I am slowly learning that I can pass these positive messages on to my daughters. If I don't then they will accept what outside sources do. They will have bombardment from the media and commercials telling them what they should look like, etc. It has taken me time to learn to pass on positive messages to them. I had to learn to appreciate myself before I could pass it on to them. Today, we are going swimming after school in January at an indoor pool because I am learning to love to move my body again and they love the water. I love the water and it feels so good.

Somehow I had begun to think my body wasn't capable of much more than Beginners Yoga and treadmill walking every now and then. I do have to treat it tenderly and with love because with age comes the very real possibility of injury and I have had small injuries that hurt to walk. But I am taking baby steps and moving and I hope to participate in the Rocketchix mini Triathlon again. It's been four years. I'm have been surprised and how good it feels to move more in mind, in body and in my soul. And to have sore muscles.

I hope Demi can learn to love herself, it's a hard lifelong journey but oh, so rewarding.

Silence is Golden

2012-01-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

From Joan Chittister's book, "The Monastery of the Heart"

Chapter 5 -Silence

Silence is the mother

of the spirit.

It births in us the

cloister of the heart.

It brings us beyond the noise

of chaos and clutter and confusion

of a spinning world

to the cool, calm center

of the spiritual self.

Silence enables us to rest in that center,

to allow God to work in us there,

to clear from our hearts

whatever thoughts or pain,

desire or demands,

clamor within us for puerile attention

and so take us away from our best selves

The chapter goes on but these first two sections of poetry spoke volumes to me. I believe and have felt the "cool calm center of my spiritual self." What fantastic description. When I feel that way it is unbelievable. I then have to remember to practice the steps that took me there in the first place.

I also like that being centered, God is able to work (or we are able to pay attention his work) to bring about our best selves. I know I am a continual work in progress. Just today, I went through a myriad of emotions (frustration, anger, grief) and here I am, now in gratitude. If I just sit with the emotions, they can flow through. I didn't yell at anybody though I really wanted to. I didn't pick a fight with my husband because I knew my feelings were not directed at him but our situation that we have no control over. And I was quiet and didn't say anything and then had some quiet time to myself which rejuvenated me.

Silence can be very golden.

Time to get wet again

2012-01-24T10:47:00.000-08:00

This morning in a completely unplanned manner, I took a big step for me. I have begun testing the waters to start training to participate in Rocketchix again. A mini triathlon for women and it is in mid April. It was hanging over me that I needed to get in the water and start swimming laps. I have been walking, breaking into a slow jog and riding my bike so I called the YMCA, booked a lane in the indoor pool and shot over there within 15 minutes. I ripped the band aid off. I swam at least 300 meters, because I lose track and my breath. Swimming kicks my behind yet feels so good! It's not pretty but I do it. The lifeguard was nice and I inquired about stroke instruction, and he suggested a website for improvement. I reserved more swim time and now I'm off. It feels so good.

I came home and realized that the twelve week training period starts this week, somehow my intuition knew that and pushed me out of the door!

The Big C and Being All Over The Place

2012-01-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

I found myself watching "The Big C" Showtime TV series because I like Laura Linney's work and I knew it was about cancer and that it was favorably received by the critics.

I put the first disc in, and I had one of those moments when it feels like the wind was knocked out of me. Her age in the series is 43 and she is dying from melanoma. Ewww. A little close to home, but I really enjoyed the first season. She does not tell anyone in her family that she has Stage 4 Melanoma for weeks and she is all over the place with her reaction. I feel I have been ALL over the place with my reaction to Mary and her long battle with cancer.

First I was going to "be there" for her, be present and I was. And then I learned that being present for someone means you first have to take care of yourself. And being present doesn't mean that you don't allow the other person to feel their own feelings and take care of themselves, even and this is a big even, when someone is dying. (In fact doing so prevents them from going through what she needs to for her passing from this world to the next)

I also mistakenly thought you were supposed to do "things" a certain way. But there is not. And now, I'm burnt out, burnt to a crisp and GaGa perseveres with no quality of life whatsoever. Each time I say that, she plateaus to a new lower level that I didn't know existed. This is a new chapter for me in the book of life manual. Some people die too fast and no one is prepared and some people die too slow in a long drawn out way.

In "The Big C", Cathy's husband finally finds out she has cancer, he begins to research everywhere. He finds out that a co-workers husband has cancer and he wants to talk to her and this is what happens.

It is not what he expects and I didn't expect to understand what the coworker was saying but I did, I really did. To hear someone, even a TV character say what you are going through is so affirming. It means a writer or someone close to a writer has had that experience and it makes me not feel so alone. I am ready to her to pass on, but to me that sounds awful. The last week or two I look in her eyes and they have become vacant. This rips me up. There is no more connecting to her anymore. I am a person who thrives on connections. She has become a shell.

I also think it is uncomfortable for me to experience sadness, grief and any other so called negative emotions.

Geneen Roth, who wrote the book "Women, Food and God" and has been on the bandwagon for years about intuitive eating, says and I'm paraphrasing (as we stop using food), is that we need to be prepared and ready to be uncomfortable because pain, boredom, sadness, loneliness etc is a part of life. Eww, that one bites a little.

And when you have used food to avoid feeling those feelings, it is a process to learn to FEEL the feelings. I fight this big time when big emotional stuff comes up. Going to food is such a core method of relief that it is second nature and I want to do it before I realize that I'm even having big emotions over something.

Feeling the feelings is very hard work and I make it harder by not accepting the feelings as is. Feelings just are. Feelings are about 20% and our thoughts about the feelings make up 80%. I'm tired of all the thoughts about my feelings. They just are.

When I started this journey I had no idea that my mother in law would be diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer along the way. Thus watching her dwindle down to nothing, and lose her functioning bit by slow bit. Grief is not handled well by our society, one must do it fast, and not show any emotion.

Maybe that is why I like this show, The Big C, it is true to life. There is no template and the feelings are all over the place.... and that's life - all over the place. But I would rather be diving in living all over the place than hiding.

Love and Boundaries

2012-01-21T17:06:00.000-08:00

"Love—as grand and as great and as healing as it is—requires boundaries." — Dr. Robin Smith

I was once again reminded of this powerful statement this week. I sometimes want to let go with certain people in my life, but am subtly reminded again and again to keep the boundaries solid and high. It is just so much healthier that way.

Can I get rid of Greys Anatomy?

2012-01-17T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm in that mode again...it's de-cluttering time and it feels so right. (sing "Reunited" by Peaches and Herb right here. I kept singing it as I went through the kids' stuff recently) One of my friends described decluttering as emotional therapy and it really truly is. Purging what is not needed, or wanted as it just clutters up the space, and the mind, and the emotions. Now that the holidays are over, it is time. I have gone through stuffed animals, toys, some clothes, and George helped me purge our paper clutter this past weekend. It feels so good but alas, the job is never over there is always more.

One way I declutter is on the DVR. Cox's new format actually tells you how much space you are using and I start to get nervous when it hits 80% full. There are certain shows that I don't want to give up on. Here is where my codependency loyalty comes in. I remain loyal to tv shows (ie. people) in my life that don't work for me anymore. I use to watch Grey's Anatomy faithfully every year, I really enjoyed it and looked forward to it. Season by season, I stopped looking forward. Last year, I didn't watch any of the taped episodes until Christmas 2010 when other shows were in reruns. And this Christmas, I still found DVDs from the library and Netflix to watch instead. It's time to let it go. I watched one episode and it didn't do a whole lot for me.

I just erased 8 episodes!! and I kept the last one just so I could fastforward to see what is happening. I can figure this out by watching the recap and then the previews for next week. You can also just read the recap online which sometimes takes less time than actually watching the show. I'm not falling apart, I do vaguely want to know what happens to Derek and Meredith and the baby they were adopting.

Now....I have to make the DVR stop taping it.

Do these writers have cameras in my house?

2012-01-13T06:23:00.000-08:00

This really helped me laugh.

My Colonoscopy and Suzanne Sugarbaker's Testiness

2012-01-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

I loved Designing Women, and watching it now with some more years and aha moments behind me, I love Julia Sugarbaker even more.

I had a colonoscopy last week due to a bout with diverticulitis a year ago. After the malignant melanoma in situ experience of December, there was nothing like the word cancer to push me into scheduling every exam that has been on my medical to do list. I have an eye exam and a repeat Pap Smear left to go.

The prep was the worst part as I had been told and seen with George's three previous colonoscopies, although he is quite stoic. I could "eat" nothing but clear liquids and clear foods starting the morning prior to the procedure the next day. This is what I had to "eat": green and blue Jello, chicken broth, Jolly Ranchers, and Gatorade. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! You can have popsicles but since it was actually cold here in South LA I skipped those. I don't want to touch any of the remaining supplies now and notice how I sad supplies, not food. I evidently should have ingested more sugar because I had headaches, and it was especially bad the morning of the procedure while chugging down the 2nd half of the prep - another 48 ounces of liquid, the first 16 oz being the very distasteful Suprep.

All of that bellyaching aside, I AM thankful for lifesaving procedures such as colonoscopies and shave biopsies and the plentiful food that I have to eat everyday. I had to laugh about it because it got worse before the prep started. Two days before I start starving myself, my period kicked in. Really!! Are you kidding me? I get to bleed on one end while having a camara enter the other. Priceless!

I felt just like Suzanne in this video!! Back to the hunger, I just wanted a cracker really, really badly. I am going to eat one right now because I can. I threw it away because it was not fresh. I had to not think about it. I had to deprive myself and this brought up many thoughts of my former diet mentality, the one that I have worked hard to let go. Many feelings bubbled to the surface and I am still pondering them. Luckily it was just a day of deprivation, but I was almost ready to take somebody out.

Languishing

2012-01-11T04:44:00.000-08:00

Languishing: 1) to be or become feeble, weak, or enervated

2) to be or live in a state of depression or decreasing vitality

3) to suffer neglect, to assume an expression of grief or emotion appealing for sympathy

The word came to my mind as a way to describe to myself was is going on. My mother in law is still dying. I never thought the process would last this long. I realize that the two year prognosis was more accurate, than the two months that we thought originally. Perhaps that is an issue with control...or just her process. It looked one way and then slowly took a different turn and now it just goes on. I have heard that this is the case with some loved ones.

I go through all kinds of emotions, at first, I get mad at her, and want her to just let go and I feel my selfishness. Then I see her in person and see how she suffers. I know that all of these feelings are normal. I've ordered a book about coping tools for the dying process. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to read it because I'm tired of living it but it could be helpful. I didn't want to call the hospice social worker and I did and it really was a game changer for me in how I dealt with the situation.

I judge myself for what I do or do not do sometimes. I want to be there for her but now it has become so difficult. She is not the person she use to be. She is in pain, confused, so emaciatingly thin. She talks less and less, and there is less expression on her face. She can't answer the phone anymore, dialing has been long gone, and she is sleeping a lot. She falls asleep very easily in the midst of our presence. Evidently that is what the body does. It takes more and more energy for the body to do the smallest of functions.

I feel that I have so much to do with my own household, my own health issues, and my active children. I have to take care of the living and tend to the dying. It is an awesome responsibility. I think I will leave it here, confused, sad, angry, despairing because that is how I feel. There are no answers except that I have to do it my way. Again, there is no bow to put on it and that is okay. That is where I am.

Let's Uncomplicate Life

2012-01-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

Why Complicate Life?

Missing Somebody?.....Call

Wanna Meet up?.....Invite

Wanna Be Understand?.....Explain

Have Questions?......Ask

Don't Like Something?.....Say it

Like Something?.....State it

Want Something?.....Ask for it

Love Someone?.....Tell it

I found this on FB. It is so simple yet throughout my life I did not know that I can do each of these things. I didn't know I did not have a voice, I did not know that I needed to do these things to feel fulfilled and have more peace. I have started listening to my intuition and now that I know I am capable....

The ones that are especially hard are stating when I don't like things, asking for things I want and it all depends on whom I'm asking and what I think they are use to hearing from me. Changing things up is difficult, it is uncomfortable, and the response may not be favorable but living authentically is. I never thought I was a people pleaser but that is what awareness and clarity are for.

Telling someone you love them is hard, not with the young ones but with the older ones especially when you never heard it growing up. All of these behaviors are conditioned. Bit by slow bit, I'm learning to push through to change them.

Here's to uncomplicating life!!

"The Alignment with Who You Are!"

2012-01-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

From Abraham-Hicks

"You spend way, way, WAY, too much of your life, if you spend any of it, trying to make others understand where you’re coming from. Because they can’t get you...

It’s a waste of life to spend any time trying to convince others of your point of view. And even more, trying to persuade them to approve of you or appreciate you through the presentation to them that you are offering.

Yet almost everyone of you is offering a presentation to others to evoke some sort of response from those around you.

Now, pleasing others – we’re not against it. We’re not saying that you shouldn't be nice to live with and that sort of thing. But when you care more about the perspective of those that you walk around in human form with, you care more about their perspective than you do about your alignment with who you are, you’re letting them, and you’re letting yourself, train yourself away from your guidance system.

Let it not matter if one other person gets you at all. Because ultimately, if you consistently go with the flow of your vortex and align with who you are, if you ultimately sync up with the whole of who you are, you will begin radiating such a consistent vibration of love and wellbeing that in time, anyone who is in the vicinity of you WILL get you. And anyone who’s not, won’t get you, but they weren’t going to get you anyway."

Happy New Years 2012!!

2012-01-01T03:04:00.000-08:00

2011 is coming to an end and it has been all over the place. Highs and lows and I'm learning to be present in the moment, feeling my feelings whether I like them or they scare me or not. Nurturance right now is my key especially with GaGa's condition.

Yesterday, I did some things that helped move me along my journey, with slight risk. I listened to my intuition and decided to attend a neighborly coffee that I was invited to thus canceling my massage appointment (known nurturance.) I had hired a babysitter because George was on call and I knew I needed some down time to myself with the girls out of school. The invitation was to an annual Christmas Coffee and it spoke of enjoying the "BALM" and a friend sharing inspirational thoughts of this wonderful season! Well, that scared me. What does BALM mean? All of my fundamentalist baggage hairs were raised. I am scared to be around people who spout "Jesus talk" and it is not because I don't believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I just like action instead of words. And the more words I hear of a certain tone, it feels like it is for show. I'm beginning to understand that we all have baggage and it manifests in different ways. The "Jesus talkers" probably never heard much about Jesus growing up so they spout it to make sure everyone is able to hear it. I heard it too much in ways that scared me and instilled fear.

Well, the first thing I did was call the hostess to inquire. I would have never done this in the past, I would just not have gone. It ends up that I had had contact with this person a few random times, and I finally figured out exactly who she was and she lives several houses down ON MY street. After, talking with her, I knew I should go.

There were several other ladies from my children's school. I walked in and immediately knew several people. The BALM talk was exactly what I needed to hear. The speaker was an Licensed Professional Counselor which is what I used to be and still am at heart I am realizing. The talk was funny and was all about nurturing one's self. It's looks like this was the <------- best decision by that smile.

Upon greeting a Dunham acquaintance , she inquired how was Christmas? I was too honest and knew I had overdone it. So later, I took another risk and went back and told her what was going on in a more appropriate manner and she understood. Later, she posted a message to me on FB which was a little love tap and I hold those dear to my heart.

Running some errands which included a stop to get Lady GaGa's latest CD, I ran into "my" Physics professor. On New Year's Eve, I knew this was a sign from the universe for the new year! I ran and gave him a hug and he was happy to see me and I him.

This was the song of GaGa's that I had really been wanting to be able to listen to in my car on demand. God makes no mistakes. We are all superstars. I needed to be able to hear the non-chipmunk version even though hearing a Chipette say boudoir makes me smile!!

Best wishes for 2012 to you, loyal reader!

Burnt Out

2011-12-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2011 has come and gone.

This is what I have learned about Christmas, there are positively wonderful moments and then there are sad and depressing moments and some in between. THAT IS NORMAL and I have to allow my feelings through it. In a "normal" Christmas without death hanging over, there is anxiety about getting everything done, deciding what exactly "everything" is and plowing forward. I did keep it simple this year, especially with my melanoma experience and George's boards in the middle of it and it was manageable. It was actually really good. I experienced highs of seasonal lights, giving and receiving of Christmas cards, the excitement of my girls, and Silent Night sung in candlelight at church. We had a weekend in New Orleans and it was SO good to get away.

Just got off the phone with the hospice social worker as she had visited with Mary yesterday. I thought I was emotionally "okay" with dealing with Mary, I thought I had "managed" the holidays. I talked with the social worker and she asked how Christmas with Mary went, fairly easy question, right? I started talking and then the emotions came up. In reality the part of Christmas we spent with her which were just visits to the nursing home were dreadful, really really dreadful. It is horribly depressing and sad and one cannot come out of a visit unscathed. But George and I powered through it, we brought presents for the girls to distract them on Christmas Eve before going to church services and then again on Christmas day.

When we walked in on Christmas day, as she was laying face up in her bed asleep, both George and I thought the same thing. Is she still breathing? It wasn't quite relief that she was still breathing. She is now a shadow of her former self. She is bony everywhere, she is in pain. She now has the rash around her mouth area which is a lack of nutrition. She still sits up at times, but there are no positives, no smiles. Her Christmas cards sat unopened. She does pull through to boss me around in small ways, that's how I know she has more life in her.

But if you power through a visit, and put on a protective shield to get through it, the shield has to come down, and I didn't realize I was putting up the shield. Yet it has been coming down the last few days and I fight feeling these sad morose feelings. We are waiting for her to die. We have been waiting for a long time now. She is suffering and we are suffering. I am burnt out. I visit less often especially with the girls out of school and when I do visit, it is tough. It takes a lot out of me to go. This has been going on for too long. Who knew she would hold on in this state. I really want her to let go. The pressure has been ongoing and seems like it will never end.

How long has this been going on? She was diagnosed in September 2010, which was fifteen months ago or 780 weeks or 5,460 days. Five thousand days of this hanging over our heads. No wonder, I'm burnt out. Her health actually began to decline in December 2009, starting with a case of shingles, unexplained anemia, and weight loss. It became obvious to George and her doctor that it was probably cancer but it took many months to diagnose.

Three other younger people in our community have died of cancer in the meantime. A forty three year old father of three, a fifty seven year old father of two, and an eight year old girl and they all battled the disease for about a year. Why does the seventy nine year old hang on? Her cancer was not as deadly? For two of the cases, I know the aggressive form of treatment is what took the toll on their bodies in the end. There was no aggressive treatment for GaGa because of her age and condition.

All I know is I feel sad, angry, and worn out emotionally. I'm going to leave this post here because I can't wrap this up with a bow. It is healthy for me to say this really sucks, period. I don't have to make anybody feel better. And that is what I usually do and I am learning that I have to break out of what I usually do.

P.S. I redid the math with a clearer head - it was very wrong. I must have just kept multiplying the numbers. It just feels like 5000 days and 780 weeks.

It's Christmas and he looks like Jesus doesn't he?

2011-12-26T04:49:00.000-08:00

I came across this on FB yesterday from one of my friends. It was SO timely. I had been knocking around some thoughts about someone I use to be close to and the thing that I do is try to figure out what I did wrong for them not to respond to me (because that has been my habit - it's always my fault, the codependency of I am responsible for your feelings) And at this point, I know there has been very little that I could have done "wrong". I know this for sure. And then I clicked on this seven minute video and heard within the first minute and a half what was going on. It's not about me.

This reminder was so important for me because a) this man's appearance and accent would have been completely off putting to me before. (But actually, he looks like Jesus, doesn't he!!) And b) I believe everything he is saying. I am so happy to be thinking out of the box, accepting someone's words who is different than me, lives in a foreign country and yet, I completely understand what he is saying. These are the lessons I have been learning and he summed some of them up well, (my impatient self did cringe when I saw that it was 7 minutes long- there is always more evolving for me) Acceptance is such a huge part of healing. Acceptance of myself and others. I have learned to accept many things that I did not like before and it is so freeing. I enjoy nature so much more. I go through interactions with people who use to cause me distress, and now there is none. I realize that I am not responsible for other people's feelings. This is huge!

What a wonderful Christmas message!

My "Pretty Room" Updates

2011-12-23T04:58:00.000-08:00

Before and After: Here are the latest changes to the foyer area, the white curtains had been in place since the previous owners put them in 20ish years ago and were coming apart. We purchased a new rug and my interior decorator used my old gold Pottery Barn silk curtains to make roman shades. The old PB ones had many, many indicators that kids and cats live here so we do have new rules for the "pretty areas" of the house. No food, no pens, no markers, etc.

And now the Dining Room:

The pictures can't do this space justice but we bought a beautiful new rug of soothing tones,

painted the formerly pale yellow room the same color as the living room and

the ceiling at 50% of that same color, and had new curtains made of a silky blue green

iridescent fabric. They even have pretty little tassels and are lighter in color than the living room

curtains. In the living room, there is one side of shelves where a television use to be and I didn't

know what to do with the space. Emery suggested a lamp on top of books which we walked

around and collected from what I had, and I found other pieces to go there. I LOVE having that

lamp there, it softens the room to turn just it on and makes it cozy. So for now, I am done

with my pretty inside areas and the next step is to the outside of the house where some painting

needs to take place in the front areas. And this will probably involve new gutters which is just not as much fun

but necessary.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

2011-12-15T03:45:00.001-08:00

I just read last year's December blogs to see where my head was. Being this is the second year of GaGa having cancer, I wanted to know where I was and how I was feeling. We had just finished the addition of the keeping room which went very smoothly but Mary was not doing well and life was overwhelming. In October 2010, she was still living independently in her apartment but really needed help and we had to fight with her to get her the help. And then she fell, was hospitalized and needed better pain management. She ended up going into hospice care and into the nursing home by the end of the year.

This December, she has become less mobile, struggling to stand up, is sleeping more and more, and eating less and it really does seem like we are approaching the end. Now that can mean months or weeks. I never thought that I would be saying every few weeks for for the entire last year, that she is slightly worse. How many variations of slightly worse are there? But at some point her body will shut down because it is not getting the nutrients it needs.

I brought something to her on Monday, and watched as she struggled with her small milk carton. It was like watching a toddler handling it but in slower motion. She quietly asked me if there was room in my house for her? Last week in more of an anxious fit, she asked me to come pick her up and take her out of the jail. Both times I had to reassure her that she was where she needed to be. In the hours and days after, it eats at me, am I supposed to take care of her in my house? And then my logical, rational mind kicks in and says that it is not possible for me or our family to do this. And more importantly, she still would not be escaping her reality. She would still be in pain, still be scared and still be dying.

I am barely keeping up with life with my immediate family as it is. Laundry stays in piles whether is is clean or dirty. I have papers for days around my desktop and bills to be paid. I have more Christmas shopping to be done and wrapping to occur. This is not even accounting for taking care of and feeding the children and getting them to school. And what about planning for a Christmas meal? My own parents' lives are completely focused on my dad's dialysis five times a day now and his precarious health.

It took me a little while to realize that her asking me this twice in a week was eating at me. Rationally I know the answer. But it tugs at me, not to do what she is asking. I have not been very good at taking care of myself without taking others into account. That is called codependence. I learned a lot about this around two years ago. I never had a strong sense of self but all of that has been changing. Yesterday, once again GaGa mentioned something about living with us and I told her that she would not be able to escape the situation that she was in. Her illness will follow her wherever she goes. She replies, "You're right." There's that old saying, wherever you go, there you are.

I wish we didn't have to keep revisiting this lesson over and over again.

And now, back to regularly scheduled stress...

2011-12-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

I had clear margins from my second melanoma skin biopsy!! I am thankful and relieved. And now back to regularly scheduled stress. I asked for prayers from my church, sunday school class, Facebook, and children's school. During the week plus of my active melanoma scare experience I stayed relatively relaxed. I credit this to prayers, lots of deep breathing and this journey to fear less, and love more. I purposely didn't look anything up online because there was nothing I could do about it, and I wanted to sleep at night and not heighten my anxiety.

Here is a clip from Big Bang Theory that I love and happens to be on the subject of prayer, in an offhand satirical way. (Please comment if satire is not the right word for this?) I was aware of a church growing up that wanted to lay hands on my friend to pray her head cold away. I know teetotalers. I also feel sure I know several who would want to pray the gay away.

Not so long ago, I would have seen this show and clip as blasphemous, and now I see it as really freaking funny. I had a really skewed vision of God. I feared God, felt him and the church judging me and was not open to the love coming in. I also felt I wasn't worthy of God's love. All of this is changing.

I wasn't sure if I should put my prayer request out there during "the scare" to ask my 600 friends on FB for prayers or in other places. I would definitely ask them on behalf of other people but not myself. Again, not feeling worthy of asking. Two of my FB friends, said how could we pray if we didn't know? Well, they had a point. I am worthy. I am learning this more and more as time goes on. As well as the fact, that God has a sense of humor. I really believe this to be true.

Settle Into Your Bones

2011-12-04T08:21:00.000-08:00

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.
~Mother Teresa

Beautiful quote! I so love the part about contentedness with yourself and the knowledge "settling" into your bones. That is what I have felt very much in the last months and I have worked really hard to get there. It could also be described as being comfortable in my skin. Whatever description you use, I feel it now. There is so much yin and yang going on for us now. It's the Christmas season and the family gathered together and we put on the Christmas music and decorated our tree and also outside with our "Griswaldish" lawn ornaments. And I'm patiently waiting to hear if my leg is now free of melanoma cells.

Last night, George and I visit GaGa at the nursing home before heading to the festive Ochsner Holiday Party. She asks what year she is born and we reply 1932. She asks what year it is now. Upon learning that she is 79, she says that's too long. She is in pain, can't use her words, can't dial a phone or change a tv channel and told us she is ready to die. The tears fell down her cheeks and when I hugged her goodbye, some fell on my new blouse. She loved my new blouse and was worried about the stain.

I am in the sandwich generation. I see the agony of illness and age and it is contrasted with the energy and celebration of youth. I have come to embrace both. It's not easy but now I know how much to appreciate my children's enthusiasm and energy. I have always been thankful for the miracle of their presence in my life as it did not come easy. But now watching someone fade away, my appreciation is even deeper.

I'm Feel Numb And It's Not Just My Forehead

2011-11-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

The last two days have been doozies. On Monday, I went to my dermatologist's office to try out Botox treatment for the first time. I had purchased a treatment at a reduced cost at an open house and decided I might add a little botulism to my life. Why not? I have some forehead wrinkles that I have been noticing more as of late but I didn't really know how I felt about starting Botox. I began wondering would I tell people, would I tell the girls? How does this fit in with the healthy life approach that I have been embracing. And that was the thought train I was on when I arrived at the office. And then...

I got to the clinic and remembered I had a mole biopsy two weeks prior and hadn't heard back about it. Weeks ago, at another clinic that I had been to for laser hair removal a nurse pointed out this mole and said to show it to my doctor. Back at the dermatologist's office, I brought up that mole biopsy and it became the classic scene that I know I have seen in a movie. First, the nurse couldn't find the paperwork, then she found it and said, "Oh, the doctor will be in to discuss this." That didn't sound good. My heart sank a little.

Several minutes later, the doctor walks in and I am hearing although it's bad news, it's good because it is "in situ." Malignant melanoma in situ was the diagnosis and "in situ" is good because in Latin it means "in place." It all sounds Greek to me and my heart sinks further.

What? I'm just stunned. It felt like slow motion just like the time I got in a car accident in Buffalo and I did a 180 on the snow covered highway. Even though I ended up on the shoulder, I watched in slow motion as the other car hit me. My car spinning around freaked him out and he hit me head on anyway.

I immediately had thoughts of being thankful for my vanity (!) that a) I got laser hair removal with a nurse who brought attention to this mole and b) I came into the office for Botox. In hindsight, I was really glad that I was in person to hear the news and could talk to the doctor directly.

She brought up that George could do the surgery or she could. It needed to be done in the next week or two. (I was ready then and there) She drew on my leg what the incision would look like. Sun damage was probably the cause. We would have to be more vigilant and check moles every 3 months for a period of time. And then we went ahead with the botox. We didn't discuss it, and it was already paid for, so why not.

I came home called a few friends and laughed as I said, "I feel numb and it's not just my forehead." The blog title jumped out at me. I laughed more about having discovered this while going for botox. Quite the irony. Laughter really is the best medicine. I don't really care who knows I have had Botox now.

I was not expecting this in the least. I had not concerned myself one iota with the shave biopsy, it was an afterthought that I brought it up. There has been so much going on and now Christmas is at hand. GaGa has worsened slightly. My dad has been doing well with his dialysis at home thus far. George has his Board exam on December 8th. Crazy busy.

So every year for the last few years, I have said I'm going to keep Christmas simple.

Well,

THIS... IS... THE... YEAR!

On Tuesday, I had the football shaped excision to remove the proper amount of skin around the mole deemed by the American Dermatological Association. I have a 2 inch incision that I am now tending to. And waiting for the biopsy results. I'm trying to push it out of my mind but the pain of the incision is quite the reminder.

I do feel like we caught it early. This is what the first biopsy results imply but the important results are five to seven days away. I can't exercise or do yoga for about a month. I'm having to rest. I'm enjoying mindless television right now and that is SO okay.

This story is to be continued...

Consciousness

2011-11-27T10:53:00.000-08:00

Again today, I am still feeling blah. I kicked George out of the spare room as he is studying for his Board exam on December 8th which comes around every ten years. I decided to watch tv and fold the massive amounts of laundry that were waiting. I didn't get very far because I had something pull me out of my blahness and into motion.

The spare room is where I have 17 of Oprah's Life Classes on the DVR which are excellent. But what was on live on the OWN channel was Super Soul Sunday which I also tape and it is 3 hours long every Sunday. I have yet to make it through one of these shows as I have to take them in bits because I have to be open to chew on them.

Yet today when I find Oprah talking to the Reverend Ed Bacon, Pastor of All Saints Episcopal Church, I knew I wanted to hear what they were saying. I had heard him on her Soul Series and I was immediately drawn to his message. His church is a liberal activist Church where Jesus is taught as the Savior and Son of God, and what is emphasized more than the dogmatic and doctrinal issues of Religion, is the connection with God, the Spirit, the Cosmos (!), other people and connection with your deepest self.

Hello.

This woke me up from my funk. It is music to my ears. No dogma or doctrine, it boils down to love. Jesus' message was love, not fear. And when you get connected to your deepest self, you want to turn around and love others. This is God in us.

Oprah talks to Reverend Bacon about a time in 1998 when she was taping a show with Caroline Myss about consciousness. This is what Ms. Myss said about Consciousness that it is "Becoming aware of why we say what we do, why we think what we think. And it is a very challenging part of our lives.”

I am enthralled to hear a neat packeaged definition of what I have been doing these last few years. I have been becoming conscious. Evolving is another description. I evolve yet still watch the Bravo Housewives. Keeping it real.

So Oprah asks how Rev. Bacon defines Spirituality and he says, "the Experience of feeling unconditionally LOVED. So much, so powerfully that you know that there is some power greater than you are, loving you. This love that you are experiencing is coming from a great power and it is filling you so much you want to love other people. "

I get that, I really get that. But it takes time to overcome our pasts, and look at the hard stuff but it is so worth the journey. I had a "normal" childhood but it was not without it's shortcomings. I didn't know that I didn't have a voice. I speak up now as opposed to shrinking away but there has to be a decision about what is important and "picking my battles." Now I connect with my husband, children, and friends in a deeper and more profound way. I drag George along on this journey. I have felt so comfortable in my skin for the last months even though there have been very stressful life events going on. That is an incredible phenomenon and I want to keep moving forward... consciously.

Less fear, more love. That should be a commercial on tv.

Hello there...

2011-11-27T08:27:00.000-08:00

On this close to the end of November morning I was feeling a little blah. The weather has been rainy and today it is cold, but I actually like that. We slept in and I finished reading a book. I haven't been into reading that much lately, it felt really good to snuggle with my IPad and escape into another world.

Since it is Sunday, I decided that I would really like to engage with God through nature instead of a church service but that would be difficult due to it being pretty wet outside. I would love to take the girls on a hike or something like that. And then I thought, oh well, the family can do it another day.

In a few short moments I noticed this bloom on my front porch.

Hello God...I see you there.

Amen.

Judging

2011-11-21T03:48:00.000-08:00

Twelve weeks ago, I had a facebook "friend" who urged his friends not to watch Dancing with the Stars because of Chaz Bono's participation. So many feelings came up reading his post. I completely and utterly disagree with his reasoning for boycotting the show. Is this a post that I want to engage and disagree with? In finally realizing I have a voice, is this the issue that I want to be heard on?

Expressing my voice and choosing when to do so and when not to do so is still shaky and I will practice this skill for the rest of my life. This particular issue is tangling with the ever judgemental right. And why do I abhor the right so much? They are pretty good at passing judgement and using the bible to do so. I have much practice with judgement because I have done it to myself for years and now that I am learning to show myself kindness and love in a healthy way, I find myself stopping my critical thoughts of OTHERS when they first pop in my mind. I use to judge others a lot but I did think that issues were grey.

I caught a 2000 Oprah rerun on XM radio with Gary Zukav, the author of "The Seat of the Soul." I think I might have listened to this before and it sounded a little hoo ha. But I now know that hearing it eleven years ago was laying the foundation for me to understand the concepts and further my soul's journey. One idea mentioned among other brilliant ones was when anyone was judging another, the root cause is pain and fear in the judger (and something that needs to be worked out.)

Here is one of Gary's quote that applies:

“When you have an emotional reaction to what you see, you are judging. That is your signal that you have an issue inside of yourself - with yourself - not with the other person. If you react to evil, look inside yourself for the very thing that so agitates you, and you will find it. If it were not there, you will simply discern, act appropriately, and move on.”

― Gary Zukav, Soul to Soul: Communications from the Heart

Darn it, now understanding this dynamic I get that I am now judging the anti-DWTS (anti-transgender) person. Now, I've got more work myself which I know anyway. This is going to be a lifelong process and I am thrilled to be on this ride. I recognize that although I am fully supportive of gay, lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual persons, and their rights this is a rather new stand for me. It has come around in the last years and reconciling it with what I believe God thinks on the subject. So this is newish. I still have a little fear in my position, but I would rather have a little doubt, than think I know everything!!

And by the way, I think this year's Dancing with the Stars was fantastic at pushing boundaries. Not only was there the first transgendered contestant, but the first wounded war veteran (soap star) and along with the skimpy costumes which I don't like, we did see someone was accepted for who they are and not how they look.

My trip with Ambien

2011-11-18T12:12:00.001-08:00

I love "Modern Family." We need stress relief over here and that show provides it in spades. The last couple of episodes have been right on target. A few weeks ago, Cam went on about his pot pie and ended up describing how he just wanted to go home and watch his pot pie go round and round in the microwave. I nearly busted a gut because I had made a microwave pot pie for myself that night and had watched it go well, back and forth. I really love a pot pie. I ate my way through them while pregnant with Mallory. How did those writers know I needed that particular laugh?

So onto last night, Modern Family rings my bell, again. The back story is I went for a three week stretch with poor sleep, waking early. I REALLY don't do well without my 7-8 hours of sleep so I ended up trying Ambien, and liked it so much, I took it for 21 days straight. That is NOT advised but I was scared not to get my sleep which is another story. I began to have side effects which scared me worse than the not sleeping. It wasn't the one below but, this is what they showed last night.

Joe Paterno and Kim Kardashian

2011-11-10T04:12:00.001-08:00

I roll my eyes at the power of football. Though I have been to Tiger Stadium and felt it and appreciated it. I know that college football supports a university and all of it's other educational programs as well as the local economy. But the behaviors that are accepted in the name of football really make me sad.

FB is a breeding ground for me to see other's opinions that I do not agree with. And what amazes me is that some people just throw it out there with apparently no thought worrying what others will think. And that is a fairly new skill set for me and I'm still working on it. What do I believe strongly enough in so that if I put it out there in cyberspace, will I absolutley sleep at night, because I have had trouble with that lately. Assertive, schmertive, I need my sleept these days.

Someone commented about how they felt sorry for and also appreciated Joe Paterno and his forty years of coaching for those like her who enjoy watching football. Ewww! I didn't respond but have taken to the blog. What about the children and families who were allegedly abused and who were turned away? Abuse on top of abuse for them and the fact that the alleged abuser could then continue? Paterno admits he felt he should have done more and regrets that. He should have listened to his gut and that is what I'm talking about, not who is to blame in this sad, sad situation.

I wanted LSU to beat Alabama really badly on Saturday night. I will admit that. But we make and I will say we, make heroes out of people who are not. Sports figures and coaches are people with a certain skill set that our society is enthralled with. One of my weaknesses would be actors and actresses, entertainers. But in the last years I have learned to take everyone off of their pedestal and I mean EVERYONE.

I love watching indepth celebrity interviews because those are the ones when I learn they are just people and have issues just like everyone else. And sometimes, I can actually learn something from them. You can read Kim Kardashian the riot act right now but in the end, she is just a girl who thinks she wanted to be married and have kids and she just doesn't know the way to go about doing it, her mother and her are more concerned with branding. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because there was no criminal misconduct. She is learning a big life lesson and so is Joe Paterno, hopefully.

And in God's eyes we are all equal, we are all his children. It doesn't matter that he coached football excellently for forty years or that she made a sex tape. I think God cares equally that neither of them listened to their gut. He hopes for the best for all of us.

And I think God hopes that we listen to our intuition, it is God talking to us anyway.

I was going to end it there but then I saw the media coverage this morning, and it was revolting.

When Paterno said to the news reporter at his house after being fired, "...I'm out of it maybe..." That little word, maybe, tacked on to his sentence showed his ego roaring. He is FIRED and still doesn't think he's gone. He has been in power way too long. Wow. The ego is a very powerful part of our minds. Joe's has been built up for years as the "god" of Penn State. We should put no one on pedestals. I continue to learn that lesson. It's a good one.

Dreams

2011-11-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

I happened to turn on Piers Morgan Friday night and Susan Boyle was on and I decided to listen to what she was going to sing. I've never bought any album of hers or downloaded any songs but the little voice said watch it and I'm learning to roll with those little small nudges. I find that there are no coincidences lately.

Susan began belting out "Both Sides Now" and the hairs began to rise on my body. But what the heck does this song mean? I'm fairly exhausted due to too many activities over the last 2 weeks and my brain feels foggy. I google the lyrics and then have to look up someone else's interpretation because just as in Freshman English Literature class, I have no idea what the writer was talking about and this case it is Joni Mitchell.

The interpretations gave me chills again. (No coincidences! Listen to my gut!) Looking at life from both sides now, as a child and as an adult, life doesn't make sense. Life IS a mystery. The more I journey I acknowledge God's presence much more often than I use to and I choose to think of it as the Holy Spirit around me.

(An aside, the description of looking at both sides reminds me of Richard Rohr and his two halves of life which I would reference but I am too tired to look it up)

Also, I feel some friendships fade away and others take their place and it's better to roll with it rather than fighting it like I use to. I appreciate the old friendships for what they were and how long they lasted and celebrate the new. And, I have learned to say I love you right OUT LOUD. Expressing one's feelings is risky but connecting to those we love and who are able to reciprocate is a precious, precious gift.

Awkward transition... Back to Susan Boyle and her story which is quite remarkable. Her 2009 appearance on "Britain's Got Talent" and watching Simon Cowell's jaw drop and eyebrows raise was spectacular. (I tried to post but it was not available.) She was forty seven years old. Dreams can still come true to those who need more time to percolate. And she had chutzpah to stand on that stage in the beginning of the song as they were rolling their eyes at her. She was so brave and then she nailed it, with everything she had.

I am old enough to remember hearing Judy Collins' version of "Both Sides Now" and connecting to it long ago but I had no idea what it was speaking of, the melody was just beguiling. But Susan Boyle's slow version stands out to me now. Her Scottish accent is so thick to me I can barely understand what she is saying but when she sings, it is crystal clear. It seems magical to me when that happens for her and others. I wish that magic happened to my voice!

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell, 1969

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds * that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Each and Every Time

2011-11-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

I run into fairly friendly acquaintances and they ask "What have you been up to?" And I try to explain what I have been doing with my time. This is how it goes:

Me: "My mother in law has cancer and it has been very stressful."

Other Person:"Oh, does she live with you?"

Me: "No."

Other Person: "Oh, so you go and see her every day."

Me: "No."

How do you explain a year's worth of being the guardian of a parent, and then becoming their parent?

(And I know that most people just want me to say that I'm fine and they don't want a description and I get that) But sometimes I have to justify (to myself) why I feel so exhausted and worn out.

It is the ups and downs, mostly down, never knowing what is going to happen from month to month, sometimes week to week, and sometimes day to day. And of the challenges and wondering when is "it" going to happen? Watching someone descend into a miserable, painful state of being and yet they are still alive and can remain in the miserable way for an extended period of time.

I thought of how to explain it today.

We have invited GaGa over for lunch tomorrow. She has not been to our house in a while. And a certain level of dread starts to set in. How are things going to go between she and the girls? How much pain is she going to be in? How much thinner is she going to look? How much sense is she going to make as her words don't come to her anymore? Will I have to cut her food like I did last time and then ignore that she is not eating because she has no appetite? Is she going to smile, just once? There is a level of tension so high that it takes a chainsaw to cut through.

It hit me that the description of the "What are you up to?" stress is that when I look at GaGa's frail, shrinking, pained self is that I'm looking at death. I'm not trying to be melodramatic because this is the way it is...

Each and every time I see her.

Every time I talk to her.

Every time I think about her.

Death is always in the back of my mind.

This is not the normal stress of everyday living.

Months ago, when my therapist said she is halfway between life and death, I continue to understand it on deeper and deeper levels. I wonder how much more I have to learn because it keeps coming whether I like it or not. Yet the more I embrace it and examine it, I see God making me stronger. I see little signs, people put in my path that make me smile for a just a moment. And those moments feels oh so sweet.

I laughed and I cried

2011-10-22T06:44:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about Chaz Bono being on Dancing With The Stars from the time I saw a boycott of DWTS on a FaceBook post. All I could think was how brave he is, on so many levels. Another FB "friends" said "HE/SHE IS REALLY GROSS TO ME. I CAN'T STAND TO WATCH HIM DANCE! " and I was repulsed by the words and then thought how very sad for that person and for society. For the very reasons that Chaz disgusts some people, he is heroic to me. And now I know it is okay for me to have that opinion.

I was so moved by this dance, especially knowing his backstory from watching his documentary. He worked to accept himself for who he is, had the courage to change his gender to be in the right body AND that his mother came and supported him after she accepted his transition.

I cheer for his road to authenticity as I cheer my own and anyone else's.

I know his dancing skills are not up there with the best but his spirit shines through. He appears to be a kind, shy man. And afterall, it's a reality show for gosh shakes. Bristol Palin and Kate Gosselin did not stay around for weeks because of their abilities. Chaz will eventually get voted off but in the meantime, I root for him (and a few others!)

2011-10-18T04:50:00.000-07:00

“Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

-– Steve Jobs

I didn't really know who he was until he resigned at Apple. Dunham began using Apple computers exclusively, so George and I have been transitioning our home computers and I have become a devotee.

I had read the above quote before and it was a spark for me but after his death I examined it again.

His quote is exactly what my journey of the last few years has been about. I did not know I was trapped in other people's thinking. I had to really examine hardcore what my beliefs were, allow them to come to the surface. I then being paying attention to my intuition when other people's "stuff" in my head began dying down. The "supposed to's"and "should's" fell by the wayside. And it takes time, but so worth it.

50th Anniversary of Breakfast at Tiffany's

2011-10-08T05:05:00.000-07:00

I have been fascinated by my last name ever since I met my husband. I thought, seriously, that's your name? Are you kidding? And after 15 years of having said name, every time I have to give it and spell it, I wonder what the response will be from the unsuspecting party and they have been numerous and varied.

The best was when an airline ticketing agent made fun of my last name years ago after it was newly acquired, and could tell he hurt my feelings and he upgraded me to First Class. I say make fun of it all you want now my skin is thicker.

I had never heard of the name until I began dating George and my mother made me aware of the movie and Holly Golightly. And then I caught a showing of it on cable TV where Holly signs a note. And I stared at the screen in disbelief, "that's the name" and my fascination begins.

My now deceased father-in-law told the story when I first met him that he had met Truman Capote back in the 50's. Mr. Charlie had attended college at Penn State and he and his buddies would travel to NYC and see plays and they met Broadway actors who eventually became famous. He also reported that Truman had the eye for his tall blonde buff roommate. Charlie was quite the jokester and liked to be the center of attention so I didn't know whether or not to believe him, and it makes a good story.

Over the years, I have tried to read about Mr. Capote to glean where he came up with the name Golightly but I have not discovered anything concrete. I did read of a libel lawsuit again him from a NYC woman named Bonnie Golightly but nothing came of it. I am reading a book about the making of the movie because in its' time it pushed boundaries and especially with Audrey Hepburn as the star. She was not Truman's first pick, he had wanted Marilyn Monroe and wow, that would have been a different outcome. So my fascination continues and it will have to remain a mystery, and sometimes I've learned it's better left that way.

My love affair with Target

2011-10-03T09:18:00.001-07:00

One day last week, I found myself at Target alone, all alone. I love Tar- jay. I didn't know how much I despised Walmart until Tarjay came along. My love affair with Target started twelve+ years ago when we lived in Buffalo. It was an instant attraction.

I am that customer that they market themselves to. It's an upscale Walmart or a low end department store, however you look at it. I can buy kids and adult clothes there that are nice and are made well, but I can also buy a CD or a movie or books at great discounted prices. Those kinds of things cheer me up when retail therapy is needed, and Target can do the trick and not break the bank (well, restraint is still needed). That bullseye just draws me in. They don't even need the word Target and of course, that was by design.

I very rarely go by myself because it is something I can do with the girls and save my sacred alone time while they are in school. Yet I do have to go in drill sargeant mode with them. I keep it moving because we can get distracted or bogged down trying things on, not to mention the toy aisles and it turns into a two hour tour.

So I found myself at Target alone last week. It was just the two of us (and the rest of the morning shoppers). It was a sensual experience. I walked slowly and took my time. I tried on clothes. I looked at housewares. It was so quiet, I had thoughts that came to my mind that I didn't know what to do with. I savored every aisle. It was like I was making love to Target. Perhaps I need to plan scheduled rendezvous more often.

Bone Tired But Soul Stirred

2011-09-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have not been sleeping well lately. Many things are on my mind. There is the everyday running of a household with two young children and a husband whose surgery practice keeps him hopping at all hours of the day and night. My mother in law has been really ill for the last year and now my father is going to begin dialysis at 81 years of age with a bad heart. Mortality is on my mind.

There is no avoiding it under these current circumstances. The idea of meeting my maker and a reflecting on my own life, cements in me my desire to absolutely be who I was born to be, how God made me, to trust who I authentically am. I have worried about what other people think of me for so many years and acted upon those worries and it was completely unnecessary. I never thought to question them as deeply as I have until the last few years. Figuring out who I am and accepting me for me, I have felt a since of peace and freedom for the first time in a very long time, probably since I was very little...

By my bedside, there is a book by Mary O'Malley entitled "The Gift of Our Compulsions." I have read just a little but know I have got something revealing in my hands. Mary describes when we are born, we love ourselves unconditionally. We live in our bodies, and in our hearts and whoever we are is... enough. That idea alone is worth pondering for a few minutes but I go on, Ms. O'Malley states we "lived in full connection with ourselves and our lives." "Life was a magical adventure." She goes on to say as children, we knew "how to keep the joy of life alive by hugging and snuggling, swinging and twirling, dancing and running." And then we veer off for so many reasons including how we were parented, our environment, our Western culture, just life, period.

It was a total aside that I began focusing on "my inner child" in the first place. I just really, really desired to come to grips with my issues with food. I thought about food too many hours of the day and that is not natural or healthy. I started therapy. I read Geneen Roth and then Eckhart Tolle, Melody Beattie, Richard Roth, Gary Zukav, and on and on. I don't read through all of each book but I read just enough to get the sense of what they are saying and I hear the same brilliant messages again and again using different phraseology and I feel like I am at home. I have continual aha's that give me understanding and clarity. I have also experienced rounds of intuitive eating that are effortless and well, quite miraculous when I have felt controlled by food for the last few years. I am seeing how all of the pieces come together, but also that this journey and the learning will be for the rest of my life.

We are planning my eldest's 9th birthday party. She wants to sing karaoke among other things. After Riley and I sang and danced to a few fun songs like "We Are Family" and "Saturday In The Park" I spied a song that I forget about but I really get into it when I hear it. It is the song "And I'm not Leaving" from "Dreamgirls." I could go on about the Jennifer Hudson vs Jennifer Holiday debate but I went with the one with the better music.

My aforementioned inner child delights in singing and dancing to this song, I come ALIVE. I am still amazed how this happens when music stirs my soul. My pasty white English/Irish self tries to channel any if at all soul diva I have inside of me to belt it out. Riley tells me not to dance while I'm singing and I can tell the teen years are going to be challenging because I have to move when my soul is stirred these days. It is really hard not to move when the music is on.

A First World Problem

2011-09-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

I have a bookshelf next to my bed, it's a comfort to me. And I have magazines piled on top of the bookshelf gathering dust and cluttering. This is not a comfort. I have known for a few years now that if I don't read the magazine when it first comes through the door, it is not going to be read. Even with that bit of knowledge, I don't act on cancelling the subscriptions or getting rid of the issues in a timely manner. Why?

I have new cleaning ladies coming in this week for the first time in a few months. So I am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, trying to get EVERYTHING picked up. And this is how it goes....

I walk into the laundry room to put batteries in a toy for Mallory who is sick at home. I see the cat litter box needs cleaning and make a mental note. I look in the washing machine and there are wet clean clothes. I open the dryer and see dry wrinkled clothes so I turn on the steam cycle. I walk back to the kitchen to wash dishes and Mallory asks me for the toy I put down in the laundry room with the new batteries. I go back to get it and the timer has gone off on the dryer, and then I see the towels that need to be washed. And Mallory has a food request which I take care of and then see the dirty dishes. I remember the clothes that are warm and walk and sit down in my bedroom to fold what was in the dryer and flip on the television which reminds of something to look up on the internet, which I do. And then I go back to the clothes and notice the pile of magazines on top of my bookshelf. This goes on and on and I am mentally worn out.

And I get it, I have to stay on task, and it seems like my anxiety of getting "everything" done works itself out by me running around like that chicken without a head. First of all, I shouldn't be doing the laundry because the laundry has nothing to do with the house being picked up for them to clean. Secondly, I need to pick one room at a time and focus (except for Mallory's needs). So yesterday, I look at the pile of magazines and they are so appealing.

The titles call to me, "Spring Cleaning Shortcuts", "Organizing Solutions for Every Room" "Energize your Life" I love the IDEA of them. The titles CALL out to me. But the magazines lie around and cause me stress. And then when I do work to get rid of them it is in a PERFECT way... First, I must donate them so somebody else can gain benefit from reading them. I choose which ones I can part with, then ask Riley to black out our address, then bring them to George's attention in a pile so that he can bring them to the hospital waiting room.

Why does it have to be so perfectly handled?

Looking at the title, "organizing solutions" I thought... my freaking solution is to dump these directly in the recycle bin and cut out all of the other steps, which is... what... I... did. And it felt good. With some hesitation that I am missing out on some information in those magazines. And I ponder on the idea some more. My answers are not in these magazines. I did stop and glance at the one article that I'm holding onto the magazine for and it tells me nothing new. It's not like I can't find the information somewhere else or on the internet when I really need it. I've already listened to the experts, I've watched Peter Walsh, I've watched Clean House. I just need to get "the stuff" out of my house AND not bring any more in.

But boiling it all down, the answer is in me. I'm looking towards these experts and the external when the answers are internal. I'm putting my faith in some expert out "there" instead of myself. I am just learning to trust my instinct the last few years and getting rid of all of the "should's", "supposed to's" and other faulty logic. The answers have been within me all along. I am trusting myself more and more and the distracting unproductive thoughts are falling by the wayside. And the more I trust me, the more I can focus to think out of the box and find new ways to handle old problems.

(The title is thanks to my good friend who uses this term when our problems are not the basics like food, shelter, running water, etc.)

For Just A Few Moments

2011-09-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

And life with a loved one with cancer goes on. GaGa has started a new medication and she has responded to it, so her paranoid thoughts have seemed to dissapate. We are back to "normal" and she can dial a phone again and call when she is in distress.

GaGa calls, looking to me for the answers and this... is...

uncomfortable.

She has been in denial of the cancer from the very beginning. I've never even heard her say the word so I stopped saying it. She has been told she has cancer many times over by her oncologist and by George and we have now hit the year mark of her diagnosis. Her mantra is always to want to go back to the doctor to find out why she has this pain on her side. She has been saying this every week, several times a week for close to two years. I finally realized the denial no matter how frustrating to me, who is currently diving really deep into my own muck and faulty thinking, has kept her alive. I just happen to be hypersensitive to inauthenticity right now. My meter is high. My learning curve is that not only do I have to accept myself for who I am, I have to accept others...

where

they

are.

Heh, heh, heh.

On a regular basis, GaGa looks to me for answers and in the past, we have gone round and round with what she is saying for me to try to get to the bottom of it. It never makes any sense. Even when I try to repeat back to her what she has JUST said to me, that gets denied. Last week, after a conversation that went round and round, I told her I was confused. I asked are you confused? And she said yes. If you boil it all the way down, through all of her muck, which is very deep, it is that she is scared, confused and in some amount of pain. She doesn't understand what is happening to her or why. I don't have any answers for that. I can't help her not feel pain, anxiety or sadness and I was trying to do that for a long while. There are no answers for why she has cancer and her life has taken a miserable turn.

She asked again to see the doctor, I told her the doctor can't do anything, that she can only take pain medication to keep her as comfortable as possible. And then this is what broke my heart. She finally said okay. I am the parent. She is the child. This is a sucky place to be.

I went to visit her on Friday and she was very calm, coherent and non demanding. This has not been the case for months. I told a story about the girls, and she laughed and that hasn't happened for a while. She had visited with the Hospice Nurse who had told her the same things I did and she used the C-word. GaGa relates that Susie says the pain is the Padget's disease and the cancer. That is the first time I have ever heard the word cancer come out of GaGa's mouth. For this moment in time, she is accepting of cancer and she seems at peace. I don't know how long this will stick but I will remember this moment. Acceptance, even when life brings you misery, pain, and uncertainty, acceptance of these circumstances, brings a sense of peace,

even if for just a few moments.

Ha Ha Ha

2011-09-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a Leo...my horoscope says that my emotional state will vacillate. Ya think? Ha ha ha ha ha.

Finding a Way Back to Love

2011-09-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

While folding the never ending pile of clean clothes, I found the movie "Music and Lyrics" on TBS. This is a older movie from 2007 that makes fun of an 80's pop band member who is stuck milking his decades old fame for his current livelihood. I love Hugh Grant and his perfectly timed sarcasm. One of my favorite part is when he injures his hip gyrating. That move is about 25 seconds into the video. It will redirect you to the You Tube website to watch if you are so inclined.

I found myself looking for meaning even in this rom-com movie. A new low even for me. And then I laughed at myself for doing so. A new high for me. It's just cute and funny. Though finding a way back to love is a really good theme....

This is the original trailer.

So Should We Have Another Baby?

2011-09-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today is my youngest's 6th Birthday. Last night we started watching our home VHS(!) videos (yes, I have work to do) of her birth. It was with great fondness and sentamentality I viewed them as babies. I joked with George that we should have another and I wasn't serious but the idea was a pleasant one as opposed to the terror the idea would have felt to me previously. He told me I was on my own, either because he has had a vasectomy or that he will be 50 in 2 short years. I said, we could adopt...

And then...Mallory decided to remind what it was like to have a newborn. She came into our bedroom on four different occasions from 12:30am to 3:00a.m. and then I finally asked if she wanted me to lay down with her and I did in her twin bed and she twisted and turned. But I was so verklempt that I had a precious girl who was so excited about her birthday, it didn't matter how much sleep I was losing. Until the next day when my brain wouldn't function because I was so tired. But it was a happy tired.

I love the above picture of Baby Mallory and round cheeked Riley. I love watching what the girls looked and sounded like a few short years ago and how they look and sound the same now but just more grown up versions. Certain mannerisms are the same. I also see what I missed back then. There is video footage that I have absolutely no recollection of taping which makes it kind of fun to watch.

I wonder what they will do as they grow up? What high school will look like for them? Where will their interests take them? I think about how I am learning to love them for who they are, not who I want them to be while at the same time I'm learning to love me for who I am. It's a two for one right now and I am ecstatic to be have this journey. It's quite a ROAR!

New Growth

2011-09-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is a nasty picture of my toes. There is a point. I am feeling sick right now, raw throat, stuffy nose, sneezing, watery eyes - a poster child for a cold commercial. I feel bad. I have a strong desire to eat my way through this feeling bad. I had some chicken soup and crackers and drank some tea but I wanted more, like chocolate.

I'm tired of eating to nurture myself when life feels overwhelming. Although I have learned much and have evolved, the desire to eat still beckons mightily. A hot bath is in order, because my body is achey and it will remove me further away from the kitchen.

I noticed my toes in the tub. I had decided a few weeks back to give the nails a break from the polish, and hadn't gotten around to doing anything with them. (And they really need to be cleaned up as you can see. And one of life's big questions, are you supposed to get rid of the hair on the big toe?) Anyway, I noticed that the new clean nail growth is pushing the old yellowed nail to the top.

Hmmmm.

I have learned many new ways to take care and nurture myself that I never knew how to do before. I'm have begun thinking in new ways. But the yellowed old ways are still there, lingering and waiting to come out especially when I'm feeling sick, and down.

Okay, let's get to the bottom of this, what feelings am I trying to push down? Immediately my mother in law comes to mind. The last couple of weeks have been REALLY difficult. How many times have I already said that in the last year since she was diagnosed? Just when I think we've got the handle on the last level of difficulty, a new one is just around the corner waiting. She's been really confused lately and quite paranoid. Every couple of days we hear what is fresh on her mind: George and I are getting a divorce, he's cheating on me, we've moved out of town (together at least!) and left her, we're hiding something from her, George is dead, we now have three kids, (a boy this time!), and George has us living in a drabby apartment. All of these involve George, but now she has begun to fixate on me and my perceived shortcomings. She believes these thoughts and is scared and frightened. She can't work her telephone, or change the channel on her tv, but she can still move her way around in her wheelchair and make sure we know the television is broken and we are not answering her calls. She looks miserable and she shares that misery with us. It is draining. At the end of 2010, it looked like cancer was going to take her life in a speedy manner but she plateaued. I didn't realize that you can linger in this horrible state in between living and dying. Or I had not come into contact with it so personally.

My tears start falling when I understand that this is what I'm holding onto and not acknowledging and not allowing through. More grief. The desire for chocolate has faded somewhat and the desire to write about the situation springs up. I have put a call into the Hospice Social Worker because I need to talk to a professional who deals with grief on a regular basis. Last time I talked to her, she gave me profound insight especially as she has met my mother in law. I so needed to hear what she told me. This is going to help me more than the chocolate. A little new growth is pushing me.

2011-09-07T04:01:00.000-07:00

Coming off a long weekend for Labor Day, Tropical Storm Lee made his way slowly onshore and thankfully it was just windy, rainy overcast days of no real magnitude for us. I was hiding out in our spare room trying to have some ME time, when I found "Eat Pray Love" on cable. Lately quotes from Elizabeth Gilbert have been floating through my awareness, thanks to my FB friends.

I walked in on this part where Richard from Texas tells Groceries this...

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”

Shazam. I heard it like I'd never heard it before. I LOVE when this happens.

I think back to all of the quotes I have known about attitude the last 25 years. It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you react to it, etc. They sound cliche to me because I do know when you boil things down, truths ARE really simple. But it is not easy to go through the boiling to get it back to that simple truth. But I'm willing to keep cultivating.

Steel Magnolia

2011-09-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

I want to be a steel magnolia. That has just always sounded good to me. This is the definition from Urban Dictionary: A southern woman who is strong and independent yet very feminine. I want to be someone who can take it. I want to be considered strong. I think that is Western society's influence on me. And then there's the movie with Julia Roberts which was filmed in Natchitoches, LA. And I HAVE taken the tour!

And then I think... let me take a look at this again. I need to be myself. That is what I have discovered this whole journey has been about. I need to be who I authentically was born, how God made me. The "supposed tos" and "shoulds" are falling by the wayside bit by slow bit. I am changing the way my thoughts have always been.

I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of the rest of my family, especially now with GaGa's illness hanging over us. That has been the message the last 3 weeks. Maybe I need to take a break for a few hours and get away. What is this strong, tough business? Strong and tough don't make one empathetic and loving. That's who I really strive to be, that is who I really want to be. Holy cow, that is who I am.

I need to be who I am and then everything will feel right in my soul, no matter what is going on around me. I am tough, and I am tender. I am emotional. I am strong. And some days I have nice hair if I take the time.

Some Messages Just Can't Be Received...

2011-08-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm still participating in medicinal laugh therapy with old comedy shows. I came across this jewel from "Roseanne" the sitcom. I apologize for the shaking of the picture and the laughter that I am trying to squelch as I tape it and you will need to turn the volume up. I guess this gets my goat because some of my actions seem fruitless lately (but I know they are not) and some messages just aren't going to be received.

"You become. It takes a long time."

2011-08-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

From "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams...

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

Children's literature has been nudging me lately. It's showing up and drawing me in. This is so beautiful and I had only read the board book version to the kids so the longer version was available for free through Nook. So the girls and I started reading it last night. Wonderful stuff.

Laughter, a very good thing...

2011-08-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

While I am in the kitchen cleaning and cooking with no DVR to be found, I have found myself flipping on reruns of shows that I have seen over and over like Friends, Sex and the City, or Everybody Loves Raymond. Ones that I know every word of dialogue, know what is coming and they make me laugh. And that is a very good thing because life is incredibly stressful right now. I think the key here is something reliable, and I know what's coming. But these shows are like old friends who show up and the chemistry is instantaneous.

This is a scene from Sex and the City that I came upon recently and it doesn't matter how many times I watch, it makes me giggle. It involves a scary clown at a one year olds birthday party, and a grey hair found "down there." There is some vulgar language, so be warned. But I think God has a sense of humor so it's okay. A few short years ago, I did not want to admit that I watched Sex and the City with my religious baggage, but now, it is my first clip ever uploaded to You Tube. All this therapy stuff IS working...

As this is from Season 6, these two characters are so fleshed out, and the actresses so good at these parts, it's like they are playing music. I hope it might have tickled you a little bit. Did it?

I love Martha Beck

2011-08-18T04:51:00.000-07:00

10 Life Lessons You Should Unlearn

By Martha Beck
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the May 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

In the past 10 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:

1. Problems are bad. You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems—comment se dit?—suck. But people without real problems go mad and invent things like base jumping and wedding planning. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.

2. It's important to stay happy. Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.

3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past. Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you ("I've got to work harder!") and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too.

4. Working hard leads to success. Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject...

5. Success is the opposite of failure. Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure.

6. It matters what people think of me. "But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...

8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.

10. Loss is terrible. Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

Reamore: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/10-Life-Lessons-You-Should-Unlearn-Martha-Beck-Life-Coach-Advice_1/2#ixzz1VOCCHUPk

Dread

2011-08-17T04:12:00.000-07:00

Today, I have planned to see Mary and it is something I dread. When we visited on Sunday and picked up her clothes to wash, I told her that I was coming. Will she remember? I don't know, these days it is a real toss up. When George visited last night, she was glad we had moved back to town. Last week, it was funny that she thought George and I were getting a divorce. The kind of funny that you have to laugh or you will lose it.

Well, this week the dementia has turned even more personal and it's not funny anymore. She is sharing her paranoid thoughts. She asks if George is where he is supposed to be during the day, is he really at work? Is he behaving? Is he doing what he is supposed to do? Then later in the day, she thinks that George and I are hiding something from her.

In my new life skills I would employ boundaries with this person who is coming at me. But she is very, very sick and I am responsible for her so I have to learn to completely detach from what she is saying, like she is a child. She pushed my buttons and I was angry and sad all at once. Then I read this quote on Facebook.

"Whenever you are upset about an event, a person, or a situation, the real cause is not the event, person, or situation, but a loss of true perspective that only space can provide." ~Eckhart Tolle

I immediately knew what was going on, her thoughts were triggering issues that I have with other people. As soon as I realized this, the feelings disappeared.

But the dread goes on.

Her arms are so thin, and she looks so emaciated from the top down but her legs are swollen from her body turning on itself for nutrition. She can't work a television remote or dial a phone. I had to cut her food the last time she came to our house, which was a new low. Her mind is not working right and her confusion is causing her much anxiety. The denial of the understanding of the cancer in her body, that has served to prolong her life for the last year is lifting and she is beginning to give up on her mantra of wanting to go to the doctor to find out what is wrong. We have had to scale back the visits with her beloved granddaughters because it is necessary for both parties and this kills every loyalty bone in my body. It is sad, sad, sad.

But I have now written about it, released it for a few minutes, and the emotional and physical exhaustion of yesterday, the last week, the last month and the last year has lifted ever so slightly and I will hit the treadmill before I go see her, try to get some endorphins going and carry on. I did not know my pledge to myself that I would be as present for her as I could possibly be in this terminal illness would be so incredibly difficult. In the end, my gift of presence to her, will be the ultimate gift to myself. I can't take care of her without taking care of me first.

School starts tomorrow

2011-08-09T04:51:00.000-07:00

We are back from our last summer fling last week, a few nights at Orange Beach, AL and one night at Beau Rivage in Biloxi, MS. School starts tomorrow. It was difficult at first for me to let go and "relax" at the beach. GaGa is ever present in our minds. We received one desperate phone call on day 2 and then George decided to call her each day. I let him take over during the trip. I just wanted to escape that reality for a little bit and being away from home did help that. It was wonderful to get away.

My birthday occurred while we were gone and it was a good day. Really!! This is a remarkable occurrence for me and my birthday baggage. I took control of certain aspects and it doesn't hurt to spend it away from home! George stepped up to the plate and "took over" and let me have some down time. I appreciated it immensely. There were presents from George and the girls. I planned a massage and got a manicure. I spent the afternoon with my family relaxing at all of the Caribe pools. Had delicious take out from Louisiana Lagniappe for dinner and I sat and ate with wet hair, no makeup and a tshirt and shorts on. For a birthday it was pretty darn good! Maybe the birthday baggage tide is achanging.

In the car on the way home, I had a moment where I was SAD that school was starting. The flow of being a stay at home mom is ever changing. Now, I haven't had alone time in ages, my house is a WRECK, (my cleaning lady hasn't been in weeks), there has been no regular physical activity or yoga but I am wistful today that the girls are heading back to school. Each year passes faster and the bottom line is, I love being their mother. This summer flew by, as I kept them busy and they are getting older and easier to manage (or is it me?) There were a few moments I was ready to ship them somewhere with the fighting and whining but in comparison to other summers, this one was managed well.

I will have more opportunity to visit my mother in law and I need to. It has gotten really difficult to have the kids around her. They are scared of her and she has a low tolerance and that is just plain depressing because I know how much she loved being with them before. She is on the slow decline and it is devastating to my soul to watch this happen. There is just no going around how difficult this is. It doesn't end until her end and actively waiting for a loved one to die is not natural. She is a shadow of her former self, there are no more smiles, and her quality of life has deteoriated immensely. No warm fuzzies here. Death is a natural part of life, but it is unnatural to go through it or maybe it's the grieving part of it. But time marches on and life continues. Riley will put her uniform on tomorrow and school will officially start and I have 2 birthday parties to plan that are right around the corner. Life goes on.

Choose Wisely

2011-08-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

This is a post from a group called Begin with Yes.

Sometimes people don't understand, don't appreciate or don't support us. Sometimes people ignore, bully or disappoint us. This is serious business. And although shifting away from people who don't nurture us isn't always easy, and sometimes we need help, we have the right to decide who we will be with. Our hopes, our dreams our very souls are counting on us to choose wisely.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2011-07-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

Putting Mallory to bed last night...

Me: "We had a fun day today didn't we?"

Mallory: "It was fun, but not super fun"

Me: "What would make it super fun?"

Mallory: "It's complicated."

Practicing

2011-07-23T05:38:00.000-07:00

This year I said no to VBS!! This was pretty big for me to do. Last year was the first time the thought of not working it occurred to me. That is how entrenched it is. It was a "supposed to" in the highest order when you throw God in there with the fact that I am a stay at home mom. It took me up to the week before to actually say no, but then I did. My inner instinct just said this isn't a good idea and I went with it. There was a smidgen of guilt and when I dropped the girls off, I kind of ran through and didn't want to make eye contact with anybody.

But I said no. There must have been some divine guidance because the week prior, GaGa had a rough week, which meant I did too and I was not prepared to deal with a gathering of over 420 kids on Monday. I barely made it through the building without crying the first two days.

I am now practicing taking care of myself, so that I can take care of my loved ones. It is a fairly new skill and this was a further step along the way. One of my friends, described that feelings just want to be recognized. This is so true. My immediate instinct with negative feelings and sometimes even the positive ones would be to avoid the experience of them at all cost. With more and more practice, I see how they just want to be acknowledged and then I see how they can move through. I am still amazed to watch this happen when I have a horrid day and then wake up and be okay the next. I practiced stuffing the feelings for so many years, I got pretty good at it, and it is incredible to now be able to do something different and more healthy.

On Thursday evening, I was again at my wit's end with some occurrences. I was irrationally irritated and I knew it but the feelings were there because I had been so stressed out the entire week, my tolerance level was low. Finally, one of my besties and I just started joking about the situation and I started to laugh, really laugh hard. It was very dark humor and it felt soooo good. I then realized I had not laughed all week. Now THAT is a crying shame. So in the middle of strife, dark humor prevailed. It helped me turn the corner and my mood lifted. So I continue to practice. Whatever works.

Stress

2011-07-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have been having a hard time the last couple of days. I have a need to understand why I feel so stressed. I know that this situation is stressful but having never been through it up close and personal, it is unbelievable draining. I found this quote on a website about a research study of caregivers.

To watch someone, particularly a parent, lose cognitive abilities so that they cannot do the 'thinking' tasks that they used to, is very hard on the caregiver emotionally—and often is actually more stressful than assisting with the more physically demanding tasks such as bathing or cleaning."

Ahhhh. I am not dealing with the everyday basic care needs. (except for clothes and snack shopping!!) But this help explains why this is so emotionally devastating. And it comes in waves, I can be moving along fine and then 3 pain phone calls in one week and I feel waylayed. Her memory is going, she cannot describe things anymore. Thus, conversations are more difficult. She called one of my girls, Joanie and I am learning to roll with it. Now George and I have to make the decisions for her about more and more things. And reading this little bit of research about stress of caregivers makes me feel better. Perhaps, I'm not losing it, this is what stress does.

Anderson Cooper, a WASP Suppressing Emotions

2011-07-20T05:33:00.001-07:00

I knew there was a reason I have always liked Anderson Cooper. Recently I watched him dissing The Countess of the Real Housewives of New York, and her latest new song. I can't stand the Countess at this point, mostly because she is just plain mean and condescending to many but especially Alex, who is finally finding her voice. Alex is not getting it right yet, but she is practicing and I am pulling for her. I applaud anyone who is trying to change their ways for the better. I feel very sympatico with Alex, as you can tell. Team Blondes.

Then I dug this gem up online. Anderson was on the Ellen show and wouldn't dance as the guests normally do when they walk out to meet her. This is what Anderson said...

"No one really wants to see a middle-aged guy with silver hair wriggling," he said. "It's not gonna happen. I'm a WASP. I was raised to suppress my emotions. I can't be publicly expressing things."

Love him. I look forward to being able to make fun of myself having been raised to suppress my emotions. BUT I do love to dance and sing (in privacy.) I think Anderson could really rock it, and he probably does, in privacy.

This is the website of Anderson putting the Countess on his Ridiculist and I could not copy it.
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/30/the-ridiculist-countess-luann

This is her latest video...

Getting to the Bottom

2011-07-19T05:48:00.000-07:00

Last week was a difficult week. I received three different phone calls from my mother in law, saying she was in pain. In the past, these phone calls meant it was time to go to the hospital because something was wrong, but now we work to manage the pain. Now, I ask questions to get to the bottom of it and this is not easy as she is getting more and more confused. I inquire if she has told a nurse, when was the last time she had pain medicine, and does she feel like she wants to pull her hair out too which means there is some anxiety as well. These phone calls take me through a wave of emotions, and having three in a week put me over the edge by Monday morning.

The emotions begin with first a sense of panic, that I HAVE to get her out of pain. Second, I have sadness that she is in pain. Third, I wonder how long is this going to go on? Fourth, frustration because there seems to be a breakdown somewhere as to why this is happening, on a simpler level in regard to the pain and on a deeper level, cancer. But the system is not perfect, nor am I. Sunday morning while attending church I felt the emotions sitting on my chest ready to come out but when and where? To someone or by myself? what do I do with the kids? And how does George feel about all of this and I KNOW he doesn't process things the same as me. After church, I wrote a post to a closed group that I belong to on FB and vented and the tears started to fall, some relief was coming. Monday, I talked to two different close friends in and around taking my kids to VBS and I cried and they listened without judgement and it was cathartic.

By the end of the day, I was drained, and utterly empty. I don't like the way this feels either but it is better than trying to push the feelings down. I am experiencing them head on. As the Hospice worker says, some people take the rest of their lives to learn to live with uncomfortableness. And it is slowly becoming easier to allow the feelings out and knowing it is okay to be overwhelmed and then exhausted. There is nothing wrong with me for having feelings. Today I feel tired but cleansed, ready for the next wave. I have taken three calls from the nursing home while trying to type this but this is good because we are getting to the bottom of the breakdown. And it is a good thing to get to the bottom of a breakdown...

Doogie Howser and Forgiveness

2011-07-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

On vacation, the family and I discovered the Hub cable channel. I delighted in the whole family sitting down and watching "Family Ties" which I had not seen in years. After the kids went to bed, "Doogie Howser" came on. I love Neil Patrick Harris in his current work. As the show came to a close, he typed his signature ending and I thought, wow, is that where the seeds of my blogging and self examination began.

A few weeks later, I flipped on Doogie again towards the end of the show just to see what he was typing. A son who works at the hospital was unable to forgive his father, who must have come in as a patient. The show ended without a reconciliation. Doogie typed out and I'm paraphrasing, he wished the son would forgive his dad not because the dad deserved it but because.... the son did.

Oh holy moments of clarity, just what I needed to hear from a sitcom! I was grappling with forgiveness myself. All of the stories that I hear it is not for the other person but for the "forgiver." Yet letting go of the anger is soooo difficult. Anger can become a very comfortable place to be, even if it keeps you mucked in the past. Moving to a different emotional territory and way of being is scary and extremely uncomfortable but I am plugging along. (And you know how much I don't like being uncomfortable.) After reading and doggedly keeping my mind on the topic, with the help of an online friend, I began to realize that the anger that would come over me, was actually me, "my soul" trying to tell myself not to be mad at the other person but to DO things a DIFFERENT way. Channel all of that anger into the next level of my true self. It takes lots of energy to change my way of being. I REALLY want to do that I had been beating myself up, telling myself I needed to forgive and I knew that I needed to accept but how? It took the aha moment to start thinking of things in a different way. Breaking it wide open and rewiring those synapses.
I'm letting that revelation just set for a while and funny I also haven't been angry either...
But like Doogie, I look forward to typing it out. I love learning from life. At this point any other option is unacceptable.

The Box

2011-07-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

Quit putting yourself in a little box by trying to live consistently with your past and explaining every little action you take. BE YOU. Fully. In this moment. Independent of what others may or may not 'expect' from you. ~Brian Johnson

I read this on FB, it was a quote from a friend. This succinctly says what I am trying to do, but some days it can be oh so hard to put in play, but the more I do it, the better. Practice. This message came at just the right time as I was trying to figure out whether to take a small action, and I read it and had to think of all the thoughts that went into me, thinking I SHOULD do this small action. (Those "shouldisms" are my box.) And then it became apparent that it was ridiculous and I forget about it for most of the day. I just need to keep practicing and paying attention to the thought patterns. And listen to my gut.

Waves

2011-06-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

I talked with a Hospice Social Worker yesterday. Had a long weekend with George out of pocket again, this time on call at the hospital. GaGa asked for an outing and I knew I needed to oblige especially if she was feeling good enough to go. She requested the mall. GaGa loves to shop and takes her time looking at every item intently, but you can't do that with a five and eight year old in tow and you can't promise them a treat and not follow through either. I had such a myriad of emotions, dread, hopefulness, excitement, then annoyance and finally, let's get this over with and get her home. Going out to eat was not good either. The god's honest truth is that GaGa even though she is dying can still be annoying. But you don't want to say that out loud but I just did.

I called the social worker because I felt at a loss. On Monday afternoon, I get a call and GaGa is in pain and it seems to be only an hour and a half after taking some pain medication. And then she starts crying. This rips me up for several reasons. First off, she is in pain and GaGa is very stoic. Secondly, I had been complaining about her. And I know it is okay for me to complain one day and then turn it around the next and have utter compassion. There is no perfect way to handle this situation. She is stoic but her feelings seem to come out complaining about unrelated things like at a restaurant...

She has been getting confused and forgetful along with the ever present pain and anxiety. So it is hard to know exactly what is going on and a few phone calls later between the hospice nurse and the nursing home staff, more drugs are given and she is on her way to a medicated relief. My loss is that I don't know what to say at times (or really the loss is just that CANCER SUCKS). By the time the social worker returned my call at the end of the day, I had figured out how to handle it. I just needed to reflect back what she was saying to me. Everyone wants to be heard and acknowledged.

The overwhelming feeling of being responsible for someone who has a terminal illness, hits me at different times. I was describing to the social worker that this journey since September has been up and down and the emotions are all over the place but with periods of stability. The social worker then utters the statement that resonates with me deeply and that is cancer and grief are very similar, they come in waves.

I'm so glad I took the call with her.I know this to be true.

I had been wondering for a while how I had been feeling okay even though GaGa is still dying (like we all are) At first with GaGa's metastasized cancer diagnosis, it seemed like she was going downhill fast at the end of the year, losing weight, in pain and then she became stable. And it was like okay, she's going to be around for a while longer. The term Living with cancer came to my mind. And then there is another setback, a fall, a trip to the hospital. And then stability. Waves.

The social worker said one more thing that was another huge aha moment. I shared briefly what I have been doing in my own therapy- learning to process my emotions and not block them and know that any feeling is not right or wrong and learning to just be with the feelings (and not eat!). She said that learning to live with uncomfortableness is a lifetime journey for most people. It takes practice. It felt SO true as I heard it come out of her mouth. I needed to hear that right then. There are moments that just stick out in life and this will be one of them. Although I almost didn't answer the phone, God, the holy spirit, the higher power, knew I needed to and gave me the nudge. It is not comfortable telling a complete stranger intimate details of my life but I needed that cellular hug and wisdom from someone who understands this process to carry on. My ability to handle it will come in waves as well. Sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I can't. And that is okay. Waves.

Food or Love from Mr. Popper's Penguins

2011-06-20T04:54:00.000-07:00

The family and I saw Mr. Popper's Penguins yesterday. *Spoiler* At the end of the movie, there is a test to see if the penguins will go towards the zoo keeper with the food, or to Mr. Popper and the love they had shared. I don't have to tell you the ending, you can guess. As we are walking out, Mallory turns to me and says, "What would you choose, food or love?"

What did she just say??? I was speechless. Yes, me speechless.

My little old soul, Mallory, aged five and a half is speaking to my soul again. I didn't even connect the scene in the movie with one of my life's major missions, I wasn't paying attention, but she pointed it out to make sure I was.

So there is the question, just hanging out there, and something in my rational brain was saying, we have to have food to live, but the nurturer and mother in me was thinking, I should say love, I know I should say love. I alway pride myself on answering all the questions, to the best of my ability at the girls' level but I was speechless. It was just TOO personal and too raw.

I couldn't say, well Mallory, I have turned food into love over the course of my lifetime and I'm trying to reverse that pattern right now and well, it's pretty hard to do. It seems to be the hardest thing I've ever done because it is so complicated with the fact that you have to change the way you think, and at age 42, this is hard to do. And then there are these people who brought me into the world, that don't get this and you still have to relate to them and that's all about forgiveness. And well Mallory, I have been in therapy for quite a long time to overcome this and slowly, food is becoming less and less important and I am learning to give myself love, and nurture my own self. And I'm really trying to set this example for you and Riley. I am learning to be present.

But I didn't say anything. I'm not quite sure what I said, it was the deer in headlights moment. So just a moment ago, I asked Mallory what she would choose. (My friend pointed out that's what she would have done.) She smiled her impish smile and said, "love." I'm crying right now. My kids teach me love lessons all the time. I keep thinking I'm the one teaching them, but they are teaching me. I am eternally grateful for having them in my life. More tears. Happy tears.

Oprah and How She Surrendered

2011-06-16T04:54:00.001-07:00

Another facebook post from a friend, that made me think, again. I had already watched this once because it is a part of Oprah's Master Class on OWN, this particular one is her talking about herself. I thought it was great the first time I watched it and I kept it on the DVR. The title of this segment is Surrender, as you can see. She starts talking about "The Color Purple" and I really didn't want to watch it again last night, as I noticed it's ten minutes long. I decided on a lark (Holy Spirit) this morning to watch it again. The WHOLE ten minutes. I have several issues ongoing that I need to surrender, and it is not easy at all. This time her words spoke to me in a different way, I was listening from a different vantage. I have been working diligently through major issues and I now have asked myself, have I given them over? God does know I want to work through them, but have I given them over to him. It's time.

I have bought several small notebooks over time. I love the freshness, the idea of a brand new clean slate to write in. I bought one with the specific purpose of keeping tracks of prayers. So many prayer requests come in from church, friends, family, and now even Facebook. I didn't ever want to answer that I was praying for someone because I might not remember to pray every day so I thought aha, I can keep track. But I never did. Our church had a speaker about prayer and it opened my mind wide to the fact that JUST when I think about someone, that is a form of prayer. This was an encouraging new way to think of prayer and it relieved my guilt over not praying the way I thought I should. So I have these small notebooks with the intent of journaling or keeping prayers, or keeping notes from a book study and I never follow through. But today, I am finding one of those books and writing down my prayer to surrender all of the big and little things in my life. Gotta go take care of that now. It's time.

As an aside, I don't think we always get the answers we want. She really wanted to act in the Color Purple and it happened. But I know there are people who surrender and don't get the answers they want. But resting in God and surrendering, they get the peace, the comfort to cope, to move on and to live with the circumstances.

Bathing Suit Section at Dillard's

2011-06-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Recently, I stopped by Dillard's to try on swimsuits....Enough said huh? I didn't dread it, I just knew I wanted some other options with vacation coming up and a new membership at a swimming club.

I did this for nearly 2 hours. And I think I survived emotionally intact?! The truth that I rediscovered is that many women do not enjoy this, and shall I say, maybe dread this. I heard a couple of random comments that fueled some thoughts for me. And then I ran into an acquaintance who was deliberating which style to buy based on her perception of her legs and stomach and which body part was better, etc. And I thought, wow, I'm at least 4-6 sizes larger and I hadn't had those thoughts. Maybe, I've made progress in accepting my body?! I know I have some, and it's funny how I don't know I've made progress until I remember that I stopped thinking about something the usual way. Did you follow that? That's how slow this progress goes.

It reminded me that even supermodels don't like the way they look. So many people have difficulty accepting their bodies as they are. There was just a story this morning about a size 2 woman getting mini-liposuction, and that is not surprising to me. I did find it fascinating that Oprah could not understand that even supermodels have self esteem issues. Beautiful thin people are not exempt from negative thoughts about themselves even though we consider them pretty. Self esteem is not based on our outsides. It's all based on what is going on between the ears.

All I could do was imagine all the thoughts that have gone on and will continue to go on in the bathing suit section of this store. And elsewhere. And I hated the idea of it, it made me sad. All of the negative energy swirling around and women beating up on themselves, me included at times. I was almost okay with the experience until I ran into people and heard their thoughts.

But I can't let what other people say about themselves affect me. That is my whole goal right now, accepting myself as is, exclusive of other's opinions. Whether that is 20 lbs lighter or not. Healing wounds takes time and patience.

And in the mean time, my new friends are self tanners. I watched Ruby Gettinger and she talked about how fat looks better tan. (I guess that is a little counter intuitive to my loving myself as I am) but I agree with Ruby. While I'm loving my dimples they do look better orangey brown than as pale as I am naturally.

So yes, I still want to lose weight. That doesn't go away. But I also know that right now, I am worthy, a beautiful person, and a child of God with good tanning cream.

Time to leave the Smokies...

2011-06-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'm on Day 8 of Vacation. We left on a Friday, and it has been pretty good as far as vacations go and it's now a Friday again. T We have 2 days of driving (12 hours) ahead of us and it is time to go home. George took the girls to play putt putt, and go to an aquarium. I could not take another park. He didn't seem to mind. We are leaving tomorrow.

I have soaked up the views. I have stayed wet like a rat in Dollywood, Dollywood Splash Country, and Whitewater Rafting. We have driven up and down and around steep windy roads. I've looked at mountains, valleys and black bear mommas and cubs which was a highlight for me. Most of it was really great fun. I enjoyed the splash park more than I thought I would. The kids enjoyed life in the 1800's via Cades Cove less that I thought they would.

We needed to get away and we did. I love to take a vacation. Growing up neither George nor I had family vacations like we are able to do now. I still get excited and am in wonderment how neat it is to go and explore somewhere new, or not new and how wonderful it is to come back home even though we are tired BUT refreshed. The appreciation of home is anew.

This morning as George and I drank our coffee, there was smoke in the Smokies. Perfect way to end the vacation. I kinda wish we had left today. Now the last thing on the agenda is the Dixie Stampede in Pidgeon Forge tonight. We are going to be rooting for the North.

And our very last stop tomorrow morning is a swing (an hour out of the way) to the house of my great great great great great great grandfather's still standing home built in 1785. I'm intrigued.

Soaking it Up In the Smokies

2011-06-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

We are on vacation!!! We made it to Sevierville, Tennessee late yesterday afternoon after a 2 day drive. It is near the Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge areas. It is very early on our first morning here and I can't sleep as our fantastic cabin is sitting ON TOP of part of a mountain. I felt during the night that we were going to fall off! I know the chance of that is very, very small yet I don't think my equilibrium had caught up by the time I went to bed as we drove very steep, climbing, windy roads to get here. I AM a flatlands girl! Riley said she couldn't understand how people could live in such hilly areas. I have thought that myself many times visiting any area that was not as flat as a pancake as I am accustomed to. [This picture is the side of the driveway leading to the cabin]

I am looking at the mountains as I type. The steep, windy roads led to fantastic open views of the Smoky Mountains. And as I am soaking up all of the natural beauty, I'm also cognizant of the the lovely satellite that is providing my wifi!! I love nature AND technology! The girls love the place as well with its' three levels and two game rooms.

I am so excited and grateful to take our family on vacation. It's soooo good to get away and for everyone to experience new places, people and things. And we treated ourselves to a really nice "cabin." Here's the family enjoying the Sunday night Disney shows in the Big Screen Media room! And during that tv display, I kept running outside to the balcony to view the most magnificent sunset display. Soaking it all up!

Mother's Day (yes I know I'm really late)

2011-05-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the day just doesn't work out like you want it too and there are UGLY moments. This was mine. My children did not want to cooperate to take a Mother's Day picture with me. After all it was after 3pm, after church and sunday school, after picking up GaGa and wheelchair in her current condition, after lunch at a white tablecloth restaurant, after a drive to get my new favorite dessert (cakeballs), after being told to play the quiet game because the adults were getting irritated by their exuberant voices in the backseat. It was too much for them, but it was Mother's Day and I realized I wanted to take a picture.

We have to get up earlier next year.

So this was the worst picture out of three that we managed to take. This is one for FB right? We did have some wonderful precious moments with sleepy eyed greetings and cards, and those I can treasure. And I'm learning to treasure the ones from taking the pictures. Being mad is okay and that is part of being a family.

My aha moment came the next day. Mother's Day or any other holiday that I consider holy?! that I try to make emotionally perfect just can't be. I believe that most "negative" emotions were held in during my childhood right on up until a few short years ago or they came out passively aggressively. In the beginning, my therapist told me that my feelings were not right or wrong, they were just feelings. I had no idea what she was talking about because this was not what I had come to understand.I am just learning how to express "negative" feelings in an acceptable manner.

It has taken a while for this particular truth to sink in because there are just a few holidays that come around each year but now, I realize it applies to EVERY day of my life. I really desire to be "at peace." And there just can't be plain ole' peace. Life, and family are just roller coasters. Like that scene from the movie "Parenthood" I know that there are bumps and bigger bumps along the way but unconsciously I thought that I could do those "in a perfect way." Even under the most stressful situations, I wanted to handle them well, and not be depressed, or feel sad, or feel completely overwhelmed and need to cry. How freeing!!

Wow, I get it now. But next year, I will take the Easter picture BEFORE we go to church...

This clip is missing the funny line where Grandma who speaks life's truth, goes and gets in the neighbor's car.

Living With the Mighty Mississippi

2011-05-21T02:38:00.001-07:00

The Mississippi River is at it's highest levels here in Baton Rouge since 1973 or 1927. In 1927, one million homes were flooded. Both dates are mentioned and I'm not sure which is accurate at this point in time. I became obsessed with watching the coverage especially last Saturday as the decision was made to open the Morganza Spillway and flood rural areas making the flood danger lower here in Baton Rouge and New Orleans. I read a couple of articles about living close to a river of the magnitude of the Mississippi. Mark Twain was quoted. The gist is that the Mississippi River is a force to be reckoned with and men can only do so much to contain it or try to harness it.

I finally bought flood insurance although we do not live in the flood zone. Each hurricane season since Katrina and especially Gustav, I have thought, I need to do this, just in case. Back in 1927, the river came up as far as Highland Road which is less than a mile from here, but you never know. There could be another tropical storm that just pours over us for days which has happened before. You cannot fight mother nature as seen in Missouri, Alabama, Japan, Indonesia, Haiti and the list goes on and on.

We went to see the water downtown last night. I have never been to the levee and seen police tape. (That is the top of USS Kidd in the background) No one is allowed on the levee. The water IS at historic levels. You can also see the orange tube structure, the Tiger boom, that was added to increase the height of the levee.

After Gustav, I don't take the force of Mother Nature for granted anymore. Katrina could have done it but I was not affected in an up close and personal way. With Gustav I was. One hundred mile an hour winds and subsequent destruction in our area, I was left with no power, trees down in the yard, 2 young children, no generator, no ice, 90+ degree temperatures, an elderly mother in law and a husband planted at the hospital, Gustav did me in. I can still see the parking lot of Walmart in my mind, when we went to find ice. It was unreal and resembled a third world country but everyone was in a car. People needed gas, food and ice. We had no idea how long it would take for them to reestablish electrical power, so the girls and my mother in law headed to my sister in law's in Atlanta. I had never driven that far by myself but I wanted to get out of town. I say by myself because the three other passengers could not drive and have no sense of direction so I was on my own in that sense.

So, I now believe in the force of mother nature. I watched the house in an adjoining neighborhood slowly rebuild after Gustav and it took them at least 2 years. It was a weekly reminder and I still think of Gustav as I pass it. I had to feel it up close and personal to REALLY believe. My lovely house that I fill with our belongings and decorate and get just right, can be gone in an instant or a matter of minutes. And hopefully, I would be left with what matters most, my family and God that I can rely on to get me through.

Firework - Katy Perry

2011-05-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

This is one of the songs we listen to in the car at present. I love the message and the positiveness and there are no curse words I have to pretend they are not hearing or will repeat. I asked the girls if they understood what it was saying. They didn't. I am working to empower my 8 and 5 year old to figure out who they are and I realize, you can't do that passively. You have to interact. You have to go there. You actually have to engage them in conversation on the issue. Why did I think they could "get it" by just listening (and they are a little young?!)

I told them that they were each fireworks and in their own way. We read a book about the light that God puts in each of us and every year it gets brighter. And they can do anything they set their mind too. Firework is just a funkier new version of "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine."

I am learning the same lessons now that I am (learning to) teach my children. Con current learning, better late than never!!

Now it does crack me up to watch fireworks come out of Katy Perry's chest. That's just a little bit funny?!

Motherhood is not for Sissies

2011-05-16T01:11:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Riley and Mallory have six and a half days and then school is out for SUMMER! Not that I'm counting.
The thoughts of summer conjure up both dread and excitement. It use to be all dread and my friend says my voice doesn't sound (as) panicked as in past summers. Yet I am steeling myself mentally right now. I am grieving my alone time. I love my quiet time. At this moment, I am sitting in my beautiful new living room and my windows on this mid May South Louisiana day are open!! and it is breezy!! I hear the birds chirping and the wind chimes clanging. Both cats are sleeping near me on the new furniture. : ) It is blissfull and I am soaking it up.

I love my girls with every fiber of my being, yet 24/7 just makes for very loooong hot summer days. There will be boredom, bickering and the need for patience, patience, patience. And George's work is unyielding. In the past I did not know how to take care of myself fully. I felt guilty for needing time away and judged myself so harshly. Now I know that it is the best thing for everybody. Being present with my children means I have to take care of myself so that I can be available. I need to schedule time away. I have scheduled some activities for them, joined a pool and plan to keep us busy but also have downtime in our own home. I am recognizing that I have to expend their energy especially Mallory's, and yet keep order. I want them to have fun, but be respectful of me, each other and their surroundings. That's a tall order when you are eight and five. And lessons that have to be repeated over and over again ad nauseum. Being a parent is not for sissies but I LOVE IT. I just can't imagine not having these beautiful children in my life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love seeing the world through their eyes and it is exhilarating when my eyes even with all of my adult worries are childlike again.

Mallory and I recently went to see Toy Story on Ice downtown at the River Center on a Saturday afternoon. There was a lot going on downtown. The Mississippi River is at a record high and we walked to see it from the levee. We walked back and in the middle of the Blues Festival concert, we spotted these ducks in a fountain. It immediately takes me to the book, "Make Way for Ducklings" which was given to us by my sister in law. It's one of our favorites and we even visited the statues dedicated to the book in the Boston Commons on a trip a few years back. And then on Sunday, George and Riley wanted to see the river so we went back again and I was excited to remember to look to see if the ducks were there. And they were! My heart was thrilled to see the Mama duck and the duckling....ducks! I was thrilled to see ducks??!!

To me that it was life is all about now. I am slowly moving away from the material possessions and desires of things. We all need some material stuff to some extent but what makes my heart really full is my family and the ability to have excitement about the simple things.

The Oprah Countdown

2011-05-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

There are 15 shows left as of today. Oh NOOOO! In my journey To Golightly, I have come to accept that I can now say I love the Oprah Show. A year or so ago, I did not want to say that out loud because I saw a "friend's" post on FB talk about Oprah starting her own religion. I could go on to explain her religious beliefs as I have come to know them but instead I can say it
more succinctly, that's their opinion, it doesn't work for me and we can agree to disagree.

Now, I can say, that I am sad it is going off the air. I feel a twinge of sadness when I go to her website, they are counting it down. On the other hand, my DVR is too full and I can't keep up with what is taping now. But as I make my way through some of the shows, some of them are fluff, but some of them have such meaning to me. I see other people that she is interviewing having the same struggles and it makes me feel not so alone. So many people keep things all bottled up and I just can't do that anymore. I don't know who is going to come along and be able to do interviews like she does. There doesn't seem to be anyone to take up the mantle right now.

YET...

We have the Oprah Winfrey Network!! You might have heard about it. So far, The Judds who I was anxiously awaiting are not disappointing at all. You know any show that has therapy as part of it's makeup is right up my alley. I'm looking forward to Shania Twain's show especially as I heard about her "losing her voice." Making up now, for not having a voice for so many years, her story intrigues me. The Behind the Scenes of the Oprah Show have been enlightening and entertaining. Peter Walsh has had new shows and you know I love to declutter! Rosie will be coming on as well. Oprah's Master Class was interesting, most especially the ones about herself. I love to learn what makes people tick. So now Oprah's teaching will continue in a different format. I will miss the Oprah Show!

The..Best...Revival...Ever

2011-05-02T05:10:00.000-07:00

I never thought I could say those words but they popped in my head after my weekend seminar with Father Richard Rohr. My fundamentalist baggage is lessening as I am beginning to joke about it and THE signpost that I am moving past it. My blogpost from May of 2009, entitled "Uncomfortable Religious Moments" covers some of it. To sum it up, I'm not a fan of believing the bible literally, or that there is a reason for everything, and most importantly, I have come to believe that a relationship with God is more about love than fear. It's about relationship not rules. It's not about I'm right and you are wrong.

This is a HUGE hurdle for me to overcome. Isn't it ironic that my journey to God is the same as my journey to my authentic self, moving from fear to love...

A few weekends ago, I attended a 2 day seminar led by a Franciscan priest named Richard Rohr. I could do a whole bit about him being Catholic but that would show off my dualistic thinking. More to come on that later. I had never heard of him before but found him in a quote on FB and the quote resonated with me deeply. I looked him up, found a book and started reading. A few weeks later this same man was coming to OUR CHURCH. I didn't sign up first thing, that would have been too easy. I hesitated and was placed on a waiting list. But I made it and it was fantastic.

Sitting in my church book study (aptly titled Spiritual Quest) on Sunday night after the seminar, it hit me that this was THE BEST REVIVAL I had ever been to. (Big Smile) Revivals in my youth left me scarred. They brought me no closer to God but to be scared that I didn't respond to the tactics being employed. As I said the "revival bit" aloud to our small group, the young woman who also has fundamentalist baggage, laughed and knew exactly what I was talking about. There were no stanzas of hymns over and over to goad me to come up and be saved. No hellfire and brimstone, finger pointing talk. This was my thinking person's dream revival. I hung on to every word that this man spoke. Everything he said resonated deeply within me. Okay, not the history so much but that just made me understand the context of where we are today as followers of Jesus.

To sum the seminar up in my opinion, it is how Jesus's teachings became all about religion and knowing the answers and following this set of rules. Not the much needed curiosity of practicing a meditative journey and seeking our own answers within ourselves and which, drum roll please...come from God. And even further than that, there might not be an answer. And being able to live with that! Jesus would go off for days and days to be in prayer and meditation. And if Jesus had to do that...well. My human self needs renewal and regeneration. I now treasure my quiet time instead of feeling lonely. This seminar was one more of my aha moments along the journey To Golightly. I am seeing magnificent truths that I am so grateful to learn and they make life so much easier to live.

We are reading Father Rohr's book, "The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See" in the book study. I am amazed that as I read, I completely agree with many of his statements and it was as if he was reading my unconscious thoughts. I didn't know they were my thoughts until I read it and it made complete and utter sense to me. I knew this all along. I know I am in the right place, on the right path and this is THE journey for me. And that is MY kind of revival. Thanks be to God! : )

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

2011-04-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

I can't stop listening to this. The words go by too fast for me so I look up the lyrics just to understand what it could be about. And that is open for interpretation. This could be my theme song. All of this internal work, what a perfect title...rolling in the deep.

The first lines are:
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and bringing me out of the dark
Finally, I can see you crystal clear

Yes! The fire, coming out of the dark, and with some space, I can see things so much more clearly.

I love her voice and the beat, it feels primal at times. I know I've heard it because the song has been out since February but sometimes you have to hear it at THE right time. It was on Idol this week and it struck me. On Idol and on other stages, you can watch kids with big voices sing, but I respond to the ones that have "it." My friend and I have determined that "it" is the fact that they are conveying emotion of some experience of theirs to us and we connect with it. I love when it lines up that way.

Learning to Ride

2011-04-23T04:54:00.000-07:00

Riley has been learning to ride a bike since last summer. We begin the process while we were in Rosemary Beach on vacation and there was a lot of drama, with both George and Riley and then George and I. Riley would get upset, and then George would get really frustrated that Riley was whining, then Riley would respond even more negatively to George. I could see her whining was fear but it "bugged the crap" out of him. And I didn't even consider that I could take over the job. I was standing in the back and leaving it to George. I have more patience than he does, I needed to step in.

A few weeks ago, I worked with her in the grass section of our neighborhood park. I ignored the whining and just kept telling her to get back on the bike. I didn't take the whining personally. Eventually I felt she would "get it."

Well finally it happened, gradually over time. For the last few weeks with our wonderful spring weather, the girls and I have ridden around the neighborhood ON OUR BIKES, all together!! I am so proud that we finally have this maneuver down and can exercise together. And yet we still have one more pair of training wheels to take off but in due time.

Last night which was Good Friday, we went for a family bike ride after some very delicious boiled crawfish. The weather was splendid, George was home!, and it felt so nice. Riley was riding fast and I thought, "uh oh." She took a really good spill, and there was blood on both her elbows and a knee. At first she planned on walking... all the way home. I gave her a little encouragement and she got back on AND with very littley whining, we finished our original ride plan. I was so proud of her. She had to fall off the bike to learn not to ride so fast. There are things that your children have to learn on their own. We can't do it for them. This IS the way that I am teaching her to do things on her own. These are the babysteps. We have a long way to go but I am so excited that I am learning how to be present with my children and that I have it in me to teach them life skills. I am learning to ride too! It is my life's mission right now. That, losing weight, and world peace. {smile} Happy Spring, Happy Easter!

Finding happiness...Within yourself?

2011-04-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

I have had messages that come through with the same meaning from different sources and I am learning to pay attention. One via a Facebook friend's post and that was from Franciscan priest, Richard Rohr: "It's all a matter of becoming who we already are."

Hmmmm.

And then I saw J.K. Rowling on Oprah, and I have not read or watched one Harry Potter movie but I thoroughly enjoyed her fascinating story. But when she said the following, it made my hairs stand up. Oprah asked what her dream of happiness is and she replies, that in the first Harry Potter book, Dubbledorf says to Harry, "The happiest man alive would look in the mirror and see himself exactly as he is."

I have been coming to grips with looking in the mirror and knowing who I TRULY am for a couple of years now. It is a slow process but one in which I am making headway. I am able to see myself more and more clearly and accept all facets of myself even the ones that I think aren't so wonderful, and some of which I am seeing for the first time. I use to think the process was "out there" somewhere. To be "happy" I needed to go out and conquer the world in some way, lose so many pounds, or be exactly on target with life's plans. And you know that saying what happens when you make plans. The messages keep coming and I know now It's about the internal process and enjoying the moment right now. I am treasuring each moment with my children, (And some are easier than others, we are currently on Day 5 of togetherness with George on call and Spring break!!) but I know what blessings they are. They bless my life in ways I could never have imagined before I had them. I love being able to go through the amazement and wonderment of life through their eyes.

And lastly, another quote that is attributed to Marianne Williamson.

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.

Wow. The love is there. The higher power put it there from the beginning. And the barriers are there from family conditioning and one's own personality. I am digging deep to find it and allow it out with all the pain and grieving that comes with it. But the barriers are coming down slowly.

A visit with a Physics Professor

2011-04-12T04:28:00.000-07:00

On a recent trip to my oft visited Ochsner Clinic, this time was actually for me to check on my foot problem, I was having a day full of emotions, lots of crying and sadness. Grieving situations that will not change and over which I have no control except for letting it go. I was sitting in the waiting room, and a kind looking older Indian man walked by and we smiled at each other. We spoke, and I said I thought I knew him from somewhere and he took my hand and said that it didn't matter if we did or didn't, we were enjoying THIS moment right now. I knew exactly what he was saying as Eckhart Tolle IS in my library. I had been prepped by over 2 years of therapy. I had been prepped by my Spiritual Quest studies. I had been prepped by watching Oprah for many, many years. I understood what he was saying.

We did eventually deduce that his grandaughter attended Dunham and I had seen him there. We sat and talked for a long time while we both waited. It was the most pleasant encounter with a total stranger and it was such a bonus to experience it on THAT day and I believe it was a holy spirit led interaction. We discussed the fact that I was into Psychology/Counseling and he is a Physics professor. Immediately I thought, well that's over my head. But we continued talking and I had pulled my phone out to look up the cause of my foot pain. He asked me to look up the Institute of All National Advanced Studies of which he cofounded, so I did. I read what Wikipedia had to say, and one line said that the group believed that "inner peace within each individual is vital to the establishment of meaningful world peace." I looked up and said, "Well, Mr. Physics, we might have more in common that what Miss Psychology previously thought" And we laughed. And I have since looked into physics and that is more about energy flow and understanding things that are not easily defined by hard science.

We laughed together many times. We chatted about life. And he told me more than one time how I had a beautiful aura. In my heart, I know I do. In my heart I know I'm heading towards what I am thinking is a hippie like, free love state minus the drugs and sex with strangers and inclusive of a Higher Being! For the last 2+ years, I just keep thinking Birkenstocks in my head and you know my new orthopedic shoes aren't that far from them!!. But as he said the words about my aura, I knew it and I know I feel myself moving towards more love, less fear, less anxiety, less judgement of myself and others. It is a very freeing place to move towards. And the weekend that I had at a Richard Rohr seminar only continued the theme of my journey. All things that I am led toward keep giving me the same answers. Hmmmmm.

"Hard Habit to Break"

2011-04-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I flip to the Love Channel on XM radio and by chance, I will hear a song that takes me back a couple of decades and I really enjoy it. This song was on...

And all I could think was I switched from the bad habits of boys in 8th grade to the bad habit of food. I can remember how it would be the end of the world if the guy didn't like me as much as I liked him. Such drama. But of course, now the habit to break is not necessarily with food, it is how I think, and changing my world view on a much deeper level.

I do love music. And if you look at the comments on You Tube of the video, someone commented, " Man, I hope heaven has an 80's bar" Priceless!!, This morning that just got me. Loved it! Maybe because I'm examining things so deeply and so heavily, every now and then, I just need to lighten up. Perhaps I can become more sarcastic like Bethenny Frankel. I love her show and the fact that they show her in therapy. Half the time I am thinking exactly what she is saying. I can get out all of my repressed feelings and project them on to other people. Why do I have to be nice anymore?

Anyway, I also enjoy looking at videos of songs and bands that I never saw before but listened to and knew every word. Growing up, I had no cable until college, so I never saw MTV or VH1. This poor sap just listened to the music and imagined what the people who were singing looked like (I know I make it sound like the dark ages). Someone posted this on FB and it just cracked me up. See what you think from 1982.

OMG, I never imagined a rooster in the beginning, or everybody dressed in all white with fringe and cowboy hats or the drummer's drumsticks being on fire the entire song! Thank you internet, what great memories.

All Creatures Great and Small

2011-03-30T04:55:00.000-07:00

A few weeks past was Mardi Gras week. The kids were all mine for the week off of school and we didn't go anywhere, as most of Baton Rouge who went to Disney. And yet, I didn't freak out and I haven't in a while. My old mode of operation was a large doses of fear that I guess I would go crazy with so much unstructured time with my two offspring. I think some of this is left over from postpartum depression. Well, I did not go crazy. The week almost flew by with of course, some pre-planned activities. George took the day off on Friday. We went to the New Orleans Zoo and it was a spectacular spring day. On Satuday, we had massive yard work to attend to. I realized on Sunday evening that George and I had not had one difference of opinion the whole time. Wow! How could that be??!!

We had such a good time at the zoo. We spent four and a half hours walking with no stroller, no anything. We just got up and went, but George, Mr. Prepared, did bring sunscreen. We walked around in amazement at all of the wonderful creatures. Mallory loved the feet marks of the animals in the bathroom almost as much as the flamingoes or looking at animal poop. I love her sense of wonder and know that when I feel that same sense of wonder, I am feeling very blessed, that is what life is all about. Riley took pictures and read the map. Looking at all of the strollers and sippy cups, I realized we have come a long way and in more than one way.

Monday I was thrilled to be by myself in the house again with the girls back in school. But then I felt so discombobulated. And I ate. And then I felt so shamed that I ate past the feeling of full. I skewer myself for not living up to where I think I should be. And I just don't understand. So many positives, so much I have learned and put into place. What is going on? And then I pick up and start reading "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson a few days later. I have just begun the book and love it because it is all about spirituality and she describes making the all important and difficult shift from fear to love. With my ongoing therapy, I GET this. I really get this and I believe it wholeheartedly that is the journey I am on and it's a complicated process. She describes that with any "serous journey of self discovery, there are days when we detour into darkness as we make our way toward light." There is no smooth path. I can't have it yesterday.

What gave me my aha moment of understanding was as Marianne describes, as love is brought up, and we feel we are "moving towards a solution, the problem jumps up and grabs us by the throat." Again...I get that. I want to have lost weight, not just yesterday but years ago. And this is what I am not good at, and am learning is, to be kind to myself. I have stuffed emotions for years and now I am learning how to deal with them as they come out. I don't try to repress them, and this is new territory, new skills are being learned.

I am not giving up, so now I take a deep breath and maybe even a nap like this black bear did at the zoo, try not to beat myself up and love myself. This too shall pass. I will stay intentional.

Julia Sweeney - Sex Ed

2011-03-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

And on a lighter note...
Having an eight year old daughter and knowing this is coming down the pike made it extremely relevant for me. I really want to have many conversations with my children about their bodies, and sexuality and have started it at their level. As I have no roadmap, I will be learning along the way. Thank goodness for Dr. Laura Berman. Love her. But this is not her, this is comedienne, Julia Sweeney and she is funny. It is ten minutes long so put it on and listen while you are doing something else...

Cancer Sucks

2011-03-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

The journey of taking care of someone with cancer goes on. GaGa has her ups and downs. We all had a really hard week last week, and she probably doesn't remember much of it. During the midst of it, I finally called to get more information on Hospice services. GaGa had not been interested AT ALL and I could understand that. I kept getting recommendations that hospice is not necessarily called when you are on your deathbed, there are other services they offer and it was time to find out.

I had several tense moments last week, and some lasted for hours. GaGa had a fall and cut her eye which required stitches on Sunday at the ER. She had an episode on Wednesday when she couldn't speak to me over the phone and was breathing heavy, but she did get out that something was wrong with her. It was frightening to say the least. She has been battling pain on a regular basis for over a year now. Her narcotic pain patch has been increased to try to deal with the pain level. It turns out it was probably too much and they had to remove the patch to see if that was causing the disorientation. She ended up in the hospital that evening. In order to have a conversation about her going to the hospital I had to talk with George via a third party while he was operating. Our only in person conversation that week because he was so busy at work was after he got home at midnight one night and for me that means, I REALLY need to talk. It was a bad week.

On Thursday, I watched her writhe in pain for nearly 2 hours waiting for pain medicines to kick in, and to go through the process of asking for more, and the nurse consulting with the Hospitalist, and the Hospitalist coming to see us, and then the hospitalist putting in the orders, and then the nurse fulfilling the orders. GaGa is known for using the same face with the doctors to say she is at a level 10 with pain as she is a 1. It is hard to decipher but that day, she let it out. It was horrendous.

Last week jerked me back to reality after having a smooth course fo many weeks which included shopping excursions, and eating out on Saturday night with no indication of what was to come. You never know what is coming next and it can turn on a dime. George and I are alone in the overseeing of her day to day care. And that can be overwhelming at times. And I feel guilty for saying that because for some reason, it is in my programming that I am not only supposed to take care of her but do it with a smile on my face with no negative emotions.

After getting GaGa back to St. James over the weekend, and getting hospice in place, she calls me three times on Monday morning, the first one before I even get out of carpool. I was tired, overwhelmed and didn't want to deal with it anymore. I came home addressed the issues and then proceeded to have many emotions, anger, sadness, frustration. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling which is a normal occurence for me and then...I thought about it. I heard my therapist's voice say that taking care of ailing parents is one of the most difficult experiences in life. More thoughts came and I said to myself it is okay for me to have a bad day because...

THIS

IS

SO

FREAKING

STRESSFUL.

And it is not going away.

After I gave myself permission to have a bad day, I lightened up ever so slightly and then it was time to pick the girls up from school, and being in a bad mood, they annoyed me. And then I thought it's okay to tell them that I'm not in a good mood and my temper is a little short. I have had a hard time learning athough this is SO critical, that I am teaching my daughters to take care of themselves when I take care of myself. It has taken me a long time to understand that fully. From the very beginning of my journey to heal, I'd heard the important message to be kind to myself but this was the lesson up close and personal and I had done a lot of work to get to the point of putting it into action.

The next day, I ran errands and got my toes done a beautiful shade of pink, bought some "orthopedic" sandals to wear to help ease some foot pain that I had been having and I felt like a new person. I accepted the emotions, had time to renew a little bit and was back on the journey called life.

New Growth

2011-03-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

George and I and the girls worked on the backyard on Saturday which was a jungle. We had a lot of overgrown weeds, dead bushes. It looked awful as you can see. The grass needed to be cut badly and it had rained for days which prevented that. We had leftover residual from the remodel in the form of landscape bricks, regular bricks, paint cans, and grout mix hanging out in piles. And let me preface this with, I DO NOT enjoy yard work. I have heard the saying you either are a person who enjoys gardening or you are not. I thought I fell in to the category of "not" and then, Saturday occurred.

I knew the work needed to be done and I knew George needed help. And ever since we added on within our old patio space we are looking more closely than ever at our backyard everyday. I got instructions from George in what to do with the bed that I was focused on. Clear the weeds from the dead bush and then cut the bush back. Not an easy task because they were all intertwined.

All I could start thinking was oh my, this feels like something profound and therapeutic going on before my eyes. The weeds are in here (negative self talk that crops in and has to be whacked away), the dead bushes (old negative thought patterns that have to go that are being replaced by new more positive thought patterns) and then hiding underneath, the tiny new growth (the small voice that I am learning to listen and pay attention to instead of the other junk) The voice is small and sometimes I can't always hear it when I let the busyness of life drown it out.

Wow.

It took us 3 hours to do the prep work for him to be able to cut the grass and weed eat but then it felt like a new backyard. There is still much work to be done, but the space is much cleaner and neater and lovely to enjoy. Who knows, maybe I will develop a small affinity to the dirt work. We will see, time will tell. But either way, it's okay.

Moonstruck

2011-03-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

I love this movie. Recently, I viewed a "Cosmo's Moon" and I put a line of the song, "That's Amore" on FB. I found a few others who knew what I was referring to and loved the movie as well. And then there was one who thought I was losing my mind.

It came on cable recently, I taped it and watched it in parts, and I loved it all over again. It is so well acted!!! Many of my favorite parts are in this clip.

Favorite moments:
Of course - "Snap out of it"

When Cher takes the grey out of her hair and goes fancy for the opera. And looking at it now - how young they were.

When Olympia Dukakis tells her husband than it's doesn't matter what he does he is still going to die.

When the grandfather says he is confused at the end and then he invites Johnny to be part of the celebration and Johnny is excited to participate in the toast.

Oscar Recap

2011-02-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

Loved Anne and James in the opening video because it was hilarious and I had put my time in with those movies. Even the 10 minutes that I watched of Inception helped. They may not have been fantastic hosts but they are good actors.

I learned that is was one actor who played the rowing twins in Social Network who end up suing Mark Zuckerberg. Go figure. Had no idea. How did I miss that fact?

Also, Michelle Williams is BFF with the blond girl from Cougar Town. Who knew? They were on Dawson's Creek together. I love IMDB. I may have to break down and buy into IMDB Pro. I just didn't see the film actress Michelle with the sitcom actress Busy. That's her name.

Love that Academy Award Screenplay Writer Winner Aaron Sorkin has difficulty with guinea pigs as well!!! Love it!!!

Anne Hathaway can belt it out beautifully, and I know she is not a comedienne but she laughed at her own jokes too much and clapped a little too long. But she's young and I wanted to laugh with her, she is so likeable. And she is freaking in her 20's and HOSTED THE OSCARS!! Way to go Anne!

Jennifer Hudson's breasts look awkward. I can't get the picture next to the words here but you know who she is.

I use to think that Helena Bonham Carter needed to work on her style. She always dresses offbeat. It hit me while watching the red carpet, that I totally look up to her now. She dresses the way she sees fit and doesn't care what the whiny fashionistas critically judging everyone says. She is comfortable enough in her own skin to be herself and it doesn't hurt that I did love her in "The King's Speech."

I'm beginning to think that one year, I need to book a trip to CA and sit in the stands and watch the spectacle. Do you think George will go for it?

New Furniture!!!

2011-02-26T12:56:00.000-08:00

The new furniture from Christian Street is in and I love it! The cats are making themselves at home and following the no food, drink, or pens rules. Riley loves to play office or school in there and there is a place to hide her papers inside the ottoman! Mallory really wants to have another television but I am holding out for a tv free room.
I am so happy with our choices. The furniture is comfortable. It feels very fresh and we switched rugs with the keeping room and it works. There is a certain feeling of peace everytime I walk through the room. (And there is no guinea pig cage!!!!!)

Now, to add some wall hangings and window coverings. Always something that needs to be done.

But It Is So Very Well Acted

2011-02-25T12:01:00.000-08:00

Well, it's the event of the year that I love, Academy Awards! Hooray for Hollywood and small independant movies. I decided to go for it this year and tried to see as many Oscar nominated movies as I could stomach. In the past, I saw The Wrestler which was a session in fortitude because it involved barbed wire, blood, and slow motion blows to the body. (And for some reason I was strangely drawn to Mickey Rourke) After I saw Black Swan, it made perfect sense that it was the same director because there were so many cringe worthy, body mutilating moments in Ms. Portman's movie as well, but very well acted!

I have to say stomach these movies because the Academy nominates movies that I just can't make it through such as Inglorious Bastards, the Hurt Locker and Precious. I rented the first two last year and could not make it through the blood, gore and violence and/or the suspense awaiting blood, gore and violence. And then there are certain genres that I just don't care for at all, like Westerns (True Grit) or subconscious mind game thrillers (Inception-made it through ten whole minutes) I am a lightweight when it comes to blood and I accept that wholly. So I was loving the fact that Toy Story 3, The Kids are All Right, The Social Network and The Kings Speech were in contention.

So this year, I got really excited about seeing "Rabbit Hole" where Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart play grieving parents whose young son was killed in an automobile accident. Fun stuff. (And if you are keeping tabs, it was not nominated but Nicole was) I get off on watching depressing psychological drama especially if it involves a group therapy scene. I accept that wholly about myself as well. Also, on this year's list is Blue Valentine which is watching a young couple's 6 year marriage crumble. More fun stuff but so very well acted. That is the way I felt about Black Swan - the crazy psychosexual thriller that made me laugh outloud inappropriately but it was so well acted.

Also nominated this year was another boxing movie, The Fighter, with two brothers, an overprotective mother who babies the one that is addicted to crack cocaine and ignores the one who is trying to make something of his life. Great dysfunctional family, so right up my alley. But yet this was an upper movie and less cringe worthy than the movie about ballet. I wish I could type something more profound here, but go figure.

As I can't handle waiting 2 hours for a guy to cut his arm off in 127 Hours, the last movie in contention I will watch before this weekend's Oscars is Winter's Bone. *SPOILER ALERT* George and I settle in to watch it on DVD this weekend. I don't know anything about the movie and wonder what we are in for in comparison to losing a child, watching a marriage crumble, or dysfunctional families with crack addiction.

Well, we have a winner. This movie is set in the rural Ozarks, and the main character is a 17 year old girl, Dee, who is saddled with caring for her much younger 2 siblings in the poorest conditions possible. She teaches them how to shoot and skin a squirrel for dinner among other things. The mom is apparently catatonic and the dad cooks up drugs in a meth lab occasionally. And if you think Melissa Leo disappears into the role as the blue collar chain smoking Lowell, MA boxing mom, these people are THE real deal as it was shot on location. It is very suspenseful as Dee has to find her missing dad because he put the house up as bond money and if he doesn't show up for his court date the house is lost. She travels around trying to find her dad, dead or alive and she is rejected by all persons she comes into contact with and not nicely at that. But strangely I'm intrigued. The girl ends up in a boat in a lake (and it's winter-now you are going to understand the title) with two women telling her where her dad's body is. Here's the kicker, they whip out a chain saw for her to cut off his hands. And not just one hand will do because some outlaws will cut off just one to keep the law from coming after them. This is not where I saw this going. Winter's Bone. Wow.

I'm looking forward to the ceremony. It seems like it will be a little different with Frankoway as the hosts. At first, when they announced the hosts, I thought, huh? And now after seeing a few promo clips, it's more like hmmm, this could be interesting. Hooray for Hollywood.

The Journey to Baby

2011-02-24T06:17:00.000-08:00

Ten plus years later, I have not forgotten my journey of infertility and I don't think many women/couples do. I looked up and saw this story on The Today Show and tears came to my eyes as I heard their pain, sadness and anger. I completely understand all of it.

When I was going through it, it was terribly hard to find support. My Reproductive Endocrinologist's office didn't even tell me that there was a monthly support meeting at their own hospital so you don't have to guess that there wasn't much of a group. But I did go and sit with the social worker who had experienced infertility. I made the RE's office advertise the meetings and slowly there were about three of us. I find it validating now that when I was fighting then trying build a support group that a Harvard study has recently revealed you are 50% more likely to conceive when involved in a support group.

They handled the whole situation horribly. I will never forget while in the middle of an insemination with my legs in the air, the culmination of weeks of testing and injectables, my RE walks in and starts talking about my insurance fighting them about sperm washes. I was in the middle of deep breathing to relax. I had read that minimizing stress was incredibly important in the process. (It's when I took up yoga) And this yoyo with an MD degree is talking to me about money while the sperm are being delivered inside of me. I really wish I would have told him off, the whole office deserved it. My current self would have assertively told him that it was not the time or place to discuss it.

I eventually found two women who had gone through very similar journeys and were with me every transvaginal ultrasound, blood draw and failed cycle along the way. They knew the nitty gritty of estrogen counts, follicle size, uterine linings and the use of pharmaceuticals. (I had another good friend who had difficulty getting pregnant as well). I can imagine how agonizing it was to go through that with me. Two and three phone calls a day and so many tears. I am still grateful. When I went to the hospital recently with my abdominal pain, I was brought back to those good ole' days of ultrasounds while staring at the black and white screen. The radiology tech thought I wanted to have a baby because I was so interested in the follicles.

The funny thing is where I am now with self acceptance, learning to love in a very present way and appreciating the NOW, for a few moments recently I thought, hmmm, the thought of a new baby didn't scare the crap out of me like it ALWAYS does. For a few moments, I thought how precious a new life would be. I wondered what it would be like to not have all of the anxiety and sadness that I had with Riley and to some extent Mallory. Even though George has had a vasectomy, when I have weird symptoms and no period, I freak out that I might be pregnant. But as I had those few moments of bliss and it really surprised me to think I COULD embrace it. And... then.... I thought of the sleepless nights, my forty third birthday coming, the finances...well those blissful moments were over. Maybe it means that I might just hold someone's elses new baby and instead of having PTSD, I can really celebrate with them about their new life. Life is precious indeed.

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"Letting Go" by Louise Hay

2011-02-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

I am copying this from a blog by Louise Hay who is a motivational author. I found her a few years back and decided to look to see if she had a blog and this is the one that popped up. I am blown away by these truths so succinctly written that have been on my mind for the last couple of years. I use the words "letting go" all the time to mean different things. I have had to "let go" of people, lifelong ideas - that is the hardest. I have let go many "things" or "objects" in my house that were no longer needed and crowding my vision. This poem seems to cover all aspects of letting go. These are the truths that I am coming to know up close and personal. Some will always be a work in progress.

Letting Go
9/24/10 at 09:45 am BLOG by LOUISE L. HAY

Here’s a poem I wrote some years ago, but it still pertains to our lives today. May you find peace in these words:
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

Goodbye Guineas

2011-02-16T06:06:00.001-08:00

We acquired guinea pigs many months ago and the return was not what I expected. In my decision making to get them, I blathered on in a blog about having more creatures to love. (Roll eyes) We (and that means me, and if George got home in time) had to feed them fresh vegetables and fruit EVERY day and let them run around in a larger space and clean their cage, yada yada yada. (In hindsight, I think we treated them very well, probably better than most) It became a necessary evil. So before Thanksgiving, I told the girls and George that if we did not interact with "the pigs" more and if they, the girls, did not help, we would look for a new home for them at the start of the new year. Mallory was sad (but was already pushing for a dog (NO!)), Riley was ready for them to go immediately and George thought that we should stick with our commitment...to the pigs.

George then tried to ingratiate them on (to?) us, and on Thanksgiving Day he let them run all over the house, which was fun momentarily and then we had to catch them. But they STILL needed veggies EVERY day, along with dry food, and hay. I kinda got tired of the fact that they ate better than the rest of the house. They nipped at me when I took them out and they didn't seem to want to be picked up or caught. I know George thought we should follow through on our 5-7 year sentence, but the kids interest fell by the wayside as did my enthusiasm. I would rather battle the kids about other issues than taking care of those pets that weren't "doing it" for anybody. I do think if we had put more time into them they might have been more playful... but it was time to cut our losses. So yesterday, we packed them up after school and delivered them to Petco so they could be adopted. I was sad at leaving them but my decluttering self knew it had to be!!

A new family will adopt Lilly and Brownie and I will no longer want to scream at night when I have ONE more thing I have to do.
One very positive aside, is that our two cats, Morgan and even Princess the persnickety have become much more desirable. They are loving and cuddly. They follow us around and want to be petted. Easier to feed. I've got one curled in a ball next to my as I type.
And my new living room floor is hay free. (Big smile)

Blank Slate

2011-02-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

This is what my newly refurbished wood floors look like.

This is what my garage looks like because of my newly refurbished floors.

I am so excited about starting from scratch in the living room, dining room and foyer. I am not going to put anything back in that does not meet with our vision and yes, I guess I have to include George's vision as well. You know, husband and wife aren't always in sync! But we managed to find a new sofa, some chairs and ottoman that I fell in love with immediately and he agreed upon or maybe he just let me go with it? I picked the fabrics in a matter of minutes and it just fell together. I am letting go of furniture pieces that don't fit with the vision and it feels so freeing. Peter Walsh would be so proud. I just wish it went as fast as it does on their show. I do want to be able to park in my garage again, but I will be getting rid of the excess furniture first. And as it has been pretty cold around here, the sooner the better.

A blank slate feels so good. I am continuing to clean out other stuff in all parts of the house and the feeling is cathartic. I am still amazed that I continue to get so much pleasure from it. Maybe it won't ever wear off?! I hope not. Time to go get after it some more.

Fiber, My Friend

2011-02-09T04:54:00.000-08:00

These are a few of the medications that I used two weeks ago to combat abdominal pain that ended up being diagnosed as diverticulitus. There was a trip to Urgent Care and then George and I spent quality time in the ER overnight as I underwent all kinds of fun tests. The radiology tech thought I was way too interested in the size of my ovarian follicles, and might be interested in baby making. I had to explain that it was just going down memory lane for me to look and measure my follicles from our infertility days.

During this experience, I was reminded that antibiotics given to improve your condition can kick your behind even worse. Migraines, dizziness, nausau, metallic taste, vomiting...fun stuff. But I also learned to ask friends for help and they obliged. Some even offered themselves up without me asking. I couldn't drive to pick up my kids or actually take care of them and I had wonderful friends step in. I was so thankful and humbled. Mmmmwwwaaahhh.

Yesterday in the CVS aisle, while I am in the process of learning how to treat my colon better, I deliberated about choosing the best fiber supplement. Who knew there were so many types of fiber products? I had not anticipated having to do this at age 42...but what are you gonna do? I chose the fruity chewables, will see how it goes.

Aging, it's a fun, fun thing. I also will be having my first colonoscopy in a few weeks. We need to make sure that my colon infection was actually diverticulitus which would be the best case scenario at this point. I had been hoping for an ovarian cyst but that fell through. So I will clear things out to get an even better look at my colon. I will report on the experience for you.

Barriers

2011-02-07T04:44:00.000-08:00

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.
Attributed to A Course in Miracles

Saw this on FB and it stopped me in my tracks. We should not be looking outside of ourselves for validation, love, approval. It's all within. And when we love overselves, we are more able to freely give of ourselves. Funny how that happens.

And then, God is there in the cracks when we let him in. Wow. This is what I have been learning through therapy and in all of my explorations. I love this journey and all of the little tidbits that I pick up. It is fascinating and fulfilling for me.

I have realized in the last year how many barriers I have built up from childhood on. Ways that I though were "normal" but now I am purposefully changing. The lessons to change them are hard and painful but also enlightening and freeing and it all boils down to LOVE.

I am so hard on myself. I am unforgiving and perfectionistic with myself and especially about how long this process is taking. I come to understand my issues intellectually and think bingo, that's it, I'm done...but alas the problem is that I then have to then FEEL my way through them emotionally. And I realize this mountain was built over the course of 40+ years and it is going to take time to plow through it. I'm still eating through my emotions at times. October, November and December were just crazy busy and didn't allow me to take time for myself at all. January started off with more of the same but now it is February and projects are slowing down, GaGa is relatively stable for now. The more I take care of myself and nurture myself, the more at peace and the more I have to give to those I love. Finding the balance, finding the barriers and experiencing the LOVE. That's what life is all about.

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

2011-01-25T15:29:00.001-08:00

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I will miss Oprah - she mentioned this poem on her show today. A show that touched upon parent's accepting their children for who they are. I had never heard of Kahlil but this is fabulous. I am learning this lesson big time and it points me into the direction of "teaching them to fly" on their own. This says it so well.

Dancing in the Empty Space

2011-01-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

It's a new year and time to clean out, I see clutter everywhere but right now I have been cleaning out kids clothes and toys in part to make room for the new Christmas stuff. We are also moving GaGa's belongings out of her independant living apartment to the nursing home, donating, and putting some in storage. Decluttering has been a relevant topic for me for a while but as GaGa is facing the very real end of her life it takes on more meaning about "the stuff." We go through the stuff and I immediately see everything that can be thrown out. Then I see the things that are important to her. She has been at my house when I am trying to get rid of MY junk and she has kept some of my stuff because she doesn't want to let it go. With her things she stops and asks, "Carolyn, do you want this?" and I who am getting rid of more and more stuff at my own house and am finally embracing simplicity, is struggling but saying no. It feels like I am rejecting her by saying no. So finally as we were going through more stuff, I told her, "When I say no I don't want something, it doesn't mean I don't love you" She shook her head in what I think was understanding yet...

I didn't finish the statement, and at some point I will because we have a good relationship and I am learning to speak up to those around me. What I will say is you are not the stuff. My memories are not going to be tied to having your things. Everything that I have learned and loved about you is in my heart and my mind.

This is so freaking powerful for many reasons.

It's not about the stuff. When I watch the shows about hoarding and see people holding on to their deceased loved ones' stuff, I think in part to avoid the pain of grieving or some other pain. I feel their pain in a small way and think about my own. I look at my own life to see where I can accept the pain and let go to make my own vision and become my own self. Humans and animals avoid pain at all costs. And it's the perception of pain as well.

There are things that I want to keep of course, pictures, documents but not Christmas towels that hang on hooks. he he he. I have been watching many episodes of "Clean House" and also Peter Walsh's new shown on OWN, "Enough Already". Recently, Peter said in regards to kids toys that over and over again when he has cleaned out a house, that each and every time, (here it comes...) the kids dance in the empty space.

It has happened in my own house. I have watched my own girls do that a few times and realize that it is the space we love, not the "stuff" that we buy to fill a void. And we love the people who are present with us and engage with us. Our children want us to engage with them.

And I love love love this idea of dancing. Of embracing and loving life to it's fullest extent. I'm going to brew on this a while.

2011 - Here We Go!

2011-01-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

This is the start of my third year of writing a blog. The first year I wrote 71 entries, so I just cheated and finished a draft to make it the same number for 2010. When I read the earliest entries, all I can think is that I've come a long way baby and I'm still going. I ponder if I should be putting all of my "business" out there but it just feels right. Not just right but freaking cathartic. I didn't even know I didn't have a voice before so letting it out, feels really good.

I have had so many subtle aha moments over the last few years and that is what I understand therapy is all about. Changing the way my mind was trained to think and opening it up to another world view. Slow and steady wins the race, but now I know it's not a race. The lightbulb moments just keep coming and I am thankful. This journey to figure out who I authentically am has been painful, eye opening, cathartic and in the end I realize it is all about love. The love that I am learning to give to myself in the form of self care. AND once you learn how to take care of yourself, you are so much more open to giving to others.

I came across a "Soul Series" radio show about spirituality and therapy. The counseling profession has long wanted to keep counseling and spirituality separate but now they must be starting to merge. As I am finally appreciating myself for who I am and loving what is, God and his awesomeness and availibility is being revealed. We are born into this world with infinite love and possibilities and then parents and the environment take over. It is my job now to take over and relearn love and possibilities.

I know that this track of personal awareness is not for everyone but I KNOW it is for me. I am finally putting the pieces together and understanding what life is all about for me now.

Pondering Christmas Perfection on Christmas Eve Eve

2010-12-23T04:49:00.000-08:00

Wow - I should not be writing this at all but it's healthier to take the time to do so. George and I both wanted to have "everything" done by today so we could "relax" on Christmas Eve and enjoy ourselves. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I wish I could clone myself today in order to get "everything" done that needs to be done. The decorating, shopping, cooking, cleaning, wrapping, parenting, entertaining, etc. The following are things that I am coming to grips with this holiday season. I am coming face to face with what perfection is and letting go of what my old ideas of it were. I evidently am unsettled with what Christmas is supposed to look like. This year it looks like an undone house, as the new keeping room was just finished last Friday. We want to have things looking finished, as in decorated and furniture in place, but that is just not humanly possible unless we had a team of workers, like on tv. #1 - Let go the desire to have some semblance of a finished look in the house when your construction finished 5 days ago.

(An aside- Lowes has a fantastic return policy and you don't have to have the receipt, just the credit card you used. When I first found out Target had this capability it freaked me out a little and now I love it. Except if George happened to be the payee. We have now bought several different area rugs and have yet to hit THE one, and this is just at Lowes. Just think what would happen if we opened ourselves up to Home Depot... (Our fifth rug from Home Depot was the winner!))

The Christmas Meal. I don't know if it is living in the South but worrying about the menu has been bothering me and I want to have the "perfect" meal. I have also had this saying going around in my mind about this topic for about a week, "I will be pulling a Chrismas meal out of my ass this week." So crass. But it is how I feel and it feels so good to say it. I think it explains my desire to have a "perfect" meal and the complete lack of time to do the entire meal with. #2 It doesn't matter what you have, as long as the family is together.

Gifts for the Family. This has been an ongoing issue for several years especially with the children. I have wanted to buy less, but then I put more pressure on myself to get just the right thing. Just want they want, what I want to be educational, well rounded. It doesn't help that EVERY day Mallory discusses THE different thing that she only wants for Christmas. Although, she is asking for the most, she is the most thankful and immediately says after receiving whatever it was, that it is just perfect. #3 and it is a biggie It's not about "the stuff." My gift and George's gift to the children is being present not giving presents. This is not easy to accomplish, I am having to learn how to do it slowly over time and it is one of my life's missions. Paying attention to them, clueing in to their needs and maintaining balance - taking care of myself and EVERYONE else. Motherhood is not for sissies. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is but is the most rewarding.

My new version of Christmas perfection, or "being there" is not just for the season but for all of the time. As the song goes, "Don't save it all for just one day"

Addition Complete!

2010-12-20T04:04:00.000-08:00

It is December 20th. Holy crap. There are still many last minute things to be done before we celebrate Jesus' birth. But one thing that is complete is the Keeping Room!!!! Woo Hoo! After months of work by the contractor's team and my part, the work is done. We moved furniture in Friday night and kept moving on Saturday. We lived in the room this weekend. A completely different story from last weekend, when we had to vacate the house as they were laying tile and grout. What a difference a week makes. The kitchen area is now feels so huge. We moved basically all of the furniture from the living room and it is now an empty shell but we will eventually get some furniture for it. That means we have to go shopping...and pick colors and a design.

And I did it!! I coordinated the whole project from start to finish. George still hasn't met the father of the father/son contracting team. This went so much more smoothly than the window replacement project from hell. I learned a lot in between those experiences. I thoroughly interviewed three contractors, bids and all and then went with my gut. I actually had two groups that I would have felt good with and that was amazing to me. And the process went reasonably well.

Now to work on all of the other major home projects-refinish wood flooring, see if A/C can handle new square footage during the summer, update bathroom counters. Not to mention the continual decluttering process. There is always a project...

Christmas, Bring It.

2010-12-19T04:39:00.000-08:00

Well, we turned a corner three weekends ago. It is now all Christmas, all the time. One late afternoon weekday on our way to gymnastics, the girls spotted Christmas lights in our neighborhood, their resulting delight (and mine too!) was to communicate with George when we were going to put up our lights. The upcoming weekend was chosen and then jam packed. Not only did we do Christmas decorations - inside and out, we managed washing all of the clothes and clearing out each room of furniture that had the kitchen tile in it (mud, laundry, Riley's bathroom, etc) We also needed to remove any item we did not want dust on because the old tile was being ripped up. I am now up close and personal with the following equation -Construction process=dust everywhere. We also fed and clothed the girls and managed to throw a visit to GaGa's in.

We really pulled out all the stops, as we purchase a new inflatable lawn decoration - Santa coming out of the top of a Christmas tree and added it to our menagerie. I even put a wreath on the porta potty which has to be displayed on our front lawn. Last weekend, I had my come to Jesus moment when I realized that Christmas was two weeks away. I had not shopped in a major way and after finally picking out tile and paint again, I began the Christmas shopping experience. I am still working on Christmas cards, as they have been sitting in the box since late November. The usual Christmas letter is hard to write.

While trying to catch Christmas cheer, one morning I turned on the XM Holly station briefly and it was okay, I did not throw up in my mouth. I switched it to the 80's station quickly and Foreigner's "Faithfully" did make my stomach turn more than the Christmas song. So off we go. Christmas music too! We even made it to the downtown Christmas celebration, fake snow, fake ice skating and lighting of their Christmas tree.

Earlier this week, I felt overwhelmed. I wasn't sure of my tile choice. Christmas pressure was coming upon me. Here's another equation... Christmas = stress, Remodeling construction = stress, mother in law with metastatic breast cancer = stress. That is a lot of stress and I had to be reminded by a dear friend that any one of those is enough to deal with. All three together is over the top. I then had another aha moment, that something in my personality makes me think that I am supposed to handle anything flawlessly and never feel stressed out. Now if a friend had told me the same scenario, I would have given her empathy and comfort, but for myself just harsh judgement. Hmmmm. Something is wrong with this picture. When I finally accepted that these emotions are acceptable, they dissipated! It is OKAY to feel stressed out when life is unbelievably stressful.

So Christmas here we come.

A Gem

2010-12-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

This quote has been brought to my attention again recently. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. " This is Oprah by way of Maya Angelou, I think. But it is SO true. People are who they are, not who I want them to be and vice versa ( that's another similar quote I recently posted). And from the first "showing" to the twelfth showing - they are who they are. And more than likely they are not going to change. It will have to be me. I will have to go to the uncomfortable place of changing habits and yet I then will be free. Discomfort eventually leads to moving on and freedom. This is a new habit of mine and I'm keeping it.

I learned this lesson up close and personal the last few days. And the really neat aspect of the situation is that it was without much drama because the skill is now in my repertoire, it is coming faster. I recognized the truth and pinpointed exactly why I didn't believe when I already knew in the first place. As in why did I keep engaging with this particular person when I knew what our history was? I didn't want to go out of my comfort zone. And then the anger comes in. And the kicker is, I'm not really angry at the other person although it feels that way in the beginning. I'm angry because I knew better and didn't listen to my instincts. And you know what, it is okay not to be perfect either. I am not beating myself up because I needed to learn that lesson. It's just time to move on, and there is some discomfort. And I'm sure I will learn it again about someone else or something else. Maybe the process will go faster, maybe not.

And this is all related to listening to my gut. I am taught the lesson again again to listen to my instincts. It is so crucial. I read or hear interviews when other people say these same ideas and I completely understand the point and it resonates with me. There is a reason it is resonating, it speaks to my soul. And it seems that more and more my journey is about being well with my soul and the above mentioned freedom. And when I am well with my soul, everything else flows better. And the soul is about love. And that is where God comes in, because in my book, he is all about love.

Bah Humbug

2010-12-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

Can I be the first to say, Bah Humbug. I am just not in the mood for Christmas, AT ALL. In fear of being judged by the Christian Right (he he he), if Christmas were just about Jesus it might be different but it's not and the moms out there know what I'm talking about. Businesses have had decorations up since Halloween, People are putting them up and putting pictures of their Christmas trees up on FB and it makes me want to throw up. Mad because I liked to get mine up and sad, because I just am really not into it right now. But I have young kids so it will happen and it will drag me into the spirit. I have felt so stressed out the last couple of days. The tension has been really high. I am trying to give myself a break because a member of the family is dying and maybe that is why I'm really stressed and wanting to avoid Christmas. I can do such a wonderful job of beating myself up as well. But I have not been through THIS level of stress before. It is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. There is just nothing left. I am short with my kids and my husband. I hold it together for my mother in law. My husband of course, is completely stressed as well.

For Christmas, the good thing is that I HAVE to simplify. There is no way around it. This has been a goal of mine for the last couple of Christmases and this year it IS a reality. I think I said the same exact sentiment last year, and this year, well it is happening. My neighbor has already suggested not exchanging adult gifts and just giving kid gifts and I wanted to kiss her. Mmmmwwaahhh. Now, who else can I suggest this to? I want to have my kids covered and the rest is just going by the wayside.

I'm still in the middle of a house remodel and that is actually fun when you compare it to life and death, even with having to replace the chosen tile at the last moment or having the wrong set of French doors come in. When living in the middle of an addition to your house is the positive in your life right now you know it's not good. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge some moments. And I think what I need to do is give myself a break. Let myself cry. Reach out to someone or some group who knows what this is all about. Ask for help. Try to have small moments of time to myself. Lastly, I have been turning up Garth loudly and getting my twang on -as he was on Oprah recently. I pulled out the Greatest Hits CD which hadn't seen the light of day in years. I saw him in concert in Buffalo and he was great. I have so been enjoying - "Calling Baton Rouge", "The Dance", "Rodeo" "Friends in Low Places" and on and on. This is one of my favorites though...

Subtle Aha moments...

2010-11-27T06:05:00.000-08:00

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.” Marianne Williamson

Well, that's my post, it says it all. I really shouldn't say more because it covers love, fear, spiritual journey, acceptance, consciousness, things and the meaning of life. Done! Enough said.

Okay, I will ruin it, here goes. Facebook has it's downfalls but I still like it for the most part. I have friends who post some really interesting material and I love that without effort I come across it and it completely resonates with me. This quote from Marianne Williamson says exactly what I have come to learn in my journey. I revel when I find something that describes a particular truth of life that I have learned but in the most succinct and eloquent words. And I also think, someone else understands this!!

I had so much fear and self doubt about myself growing up. I wasn't good enough, I wasn't as good as everybody else. Even though I was popular in high school, and I joined a sorority, I still felt inferior. A sorority is just like wearing this brand of clothes, or driving this car or being a member of this club or having to say you are at this restaurant- it can be all to make you feel good through something "else" if that is what you need. There were times that I knew I was smart, attractive and capable but for the most part, fear plagued me. I worried about everything. I did not accept myself as I am and for whom I am until the last couple of years. Do you know how much energy that is wasted on all of those repetitive thoughts? When you accept yourself for who you are, it is amazing how those fears just fall to the wayside. I do things that I constantly worried about before and now don't think twice about. It is all how your mind is trained and as you unravel those tracks, there is God and his unending, unceasing love, just waiting for you to get to these truths. I imagine him/her chuckling as we finally get it.

I want to try as best as possible for my girls to not feel so much fear or at least to make their journey not as difficult as mine. And the fact that I understand this will make that so. Love is not just love. It is a very complex emotion and state of being. Figuring out this parenting stuff and how to love is not easy. Your parents give you their way and you have to figure out those tracks that were laid and what works for you and what doesn't. I have discovered some major things that needed changing for me and have been blazing a new trail. It is not easy but it is the path that I NEED to be on. And of course, not every one likes this and there is resistance. The resistance makes me realize that I really am on the right pathway from all that I have learned. And the subtle aha moments just keep coming. I know I am on the right track when they keep coming.

The gift of an Ordinary Day

2010-11-06T06:54:00.000-07:00

This is a video from a mom named Katrina Kenison and it is right on, she lived it, she knows it. It's seven minutes long but for me - so full of wisdom. She has two grown boys, I have two young girls. I can change some of the boy stuff but I can see exactly how it fits. Last week, Riley did not hold my hand as we walked at the mall while she helped me pick out an outfit for the Ochsner Cancer Center benefit. I noticed it of course (knife to the heart motion), but then I know, she needs to grow independent of me and it starts subtlety. I have to figure out how to let her do this as it was not shown to me growing up. I'm just figuring it all out myself.

The video tugs at my emotional heartstrings as I have experienced some of it and realize the rest is yet to come. Today, Riley had her first piano recital. I was nervous beyond belief when I had piano recitals in my younger days but Riley has had a different upbringing. She was not nervous for her dance recitals so we are just going to play this by ear!! he he he We talked about her butterflies and then before we got out of the car, we said a prayer for calmness and to enjoy. It felt so right.

The journey with GaGa is heavy on my mind as well. The girls both know now that she is not going to get better. We have discussions about heaven and who is there. I have to figure out how to navigate this with them as well. Big life lessons are coming down the pike and they are very teachable moments for George and I to give them what our opinions are (and I know I am still learning some of them right now!!) and then they will figure them out on their own in their time. But for now, I am embracing the ordinary day. Highs, lows and everything in between. It's great stuff and I wouldn't want to miss this at all.

Thing I Know Right Now...

2010-10-31T01:29:00.000-07:00

*Riley turned eight this week. Happy Birthday to my beloved first child!! I still haven't forgotten what we went through to have her it just fades ever so slightly. Becoming a parent changes EVERYTHING. All of the emotional work I have done in my life to help benefit me, really helps me to be a better parent to her and Mallory and I can see the difference. And I need that to get through the teen years and teaching them to fly on their own.

*Going through a major ongoing medical crisis with a parent or in law enables you to see the best and worst of people. Who can "take" it and who can't even speak about it. I understand not being able to talk about it, you can't fathom the depths of this process until you've been through it. And then there are some who are not capable of it at all or are afraid that they are going to upset you. But the truth is you live in a state of upset, its never far from your mind. When George's dad died, we were many states away and it did not impact us, not like now, direct care of a loved one. George still lost a parent but this IS SO VERY difficult. Watching someone waste away in pain is heartbreaking. Having to reverse roles and take over is a process. And there are people who can give and listen and you hold on to them dearly and you are eternally grateful for them.

*Certain people are disappointing me and it caught me by surprise and a lesson was revisited. I am attributing this quote to Bruce Lee from a Facebook post so it might not be accurate, yet it is so spot on. "I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine." I have learned this so intimately in the last two years and it rears it's head again now and so it is a little easier to let go of the disappointment. And people who had disappointed me in the past have shown up! What are you gonna do? LIFE AND PEOPLE aren't perfect and the sooner I accept that, the less stress I have in my life.

*Finally it hit me, I WOULD be good on a church care team. I didn't think I was good enough before...I had an aha moment and thought, Hell yeah, I'm good enough. If I'm not Care Team material, who is? I just need to have it in me to give. Now is not that time.

*The busy fall season has started - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I don't have the same sense of urgency this year, it is giving way to figuring out if Mary will make it to Christmas, or Thanksgiving on some of the bad days. Each week is so very different and things change within those few days. Her condition is worsening week by week, and we are just trying to keep up. There are good days and bad days yet it is also a continual decline.

*I am falling more in love with Adam Lambert...or maybe it's just escaping into music for a little while. I turn it up VERY loud in the car when I'm by myself. Mallory sings the words without music now.

*I am okay with not folding the clean laundry right now. My husband is not. He folds it yet he expects me to have it put up. This is a problem...I'm trying to make do running on fumes. Getting done exactly what needs to be done.

*I'm so tired but I can go on. It's kind of like the postpartum period, you think you don't have it in you but you just keep going. One foot after the other. Except for at night, it's not a baby that wakes you, it is heavy thoughts of life and death.

*I will miss Oprah. When she is "on" in an interview and by that I mean somewhat objective, she is SO GOOD. I have a back log of all kinds of shows on all 3 DVR's. Now I just delete what I will miss the least before the machine deletes them. That makes me feel like I have accomplished something. There were a few recent Oprah interviews that I caught that were fantastic - The Judds, Aging Celebrity beauties, Tyler Perry and Jane Fonda. Fabulous life lessons.

*Concrete has been pored to start the addition of the keeping room. We ordered french doors, have picked out tile, still need to pick out paint. And have looked at furniture. It's all good until they rip up my kitchen floor and it is a MESS. But I'm still so excited to get a new floor, one that is even and doesn't hurt my bare feet when I walk on it. Haven't had time to pick anything out lately and you know, it doesn't matter. It will happen when it happens.

A little comic relief

2010-10-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

Six weeks ago when we bought these costumes with a 30% off coupon, did I know we would need some comic relief? Unconsciously I did. We won best costumes in the family category at our church's fall festival! It looks as though we are ready for Renaissance Fair, right?! Did I feel silly putting this on and going...uh,yes...but it ended up being fun for an hour and a half. Yet the girls decided they wanted to go and were thrilled to win a prize. We took a picture because George will be on call on Halloween. Mary liked to hand the candy out at our house and see all of the costumes come by. {heavy sigh}

This is the Tough Stuff

2010-10-18T05:10:00.000-07:00

I just saw a beautiful sunrise full of pinks and blues. It seems so poignant. The world just keeps going. Last week was rough, Monday was horrible, and well really, the last number of weeks has been difficult. Mary is not doing well. She is in a lot of pain. She was admitted to the hospital for pain management last week and now she has narcotic pain patches and also taking an oral pain pill and it is not working all the time, especially when she can't get up to take the medicine by herself. She has now started 12 sessions of radiation on the hip which will hopefully decrease the pain. I told George that I just feel an overall sense of doom and he concurred. We are journeying through uncharted territory and the pathway is not of our making. We just have to respond as best we can.

It is just so painstaking, difficult and hard. I am exhausted as is George. I can't imagine what Mary is going through. What I'm going through is trivial compared to her but I can only experience my world with glimpses into hers. This IS the tough stuff. George and I are working to stay on the same page, and not take our stress out on each other, communicate and work together. We hit a major bump of care. Mary is back in her apartment and wants to remain independent but she can't. Each week is something new and her condition and her body are seeming to deteriorate before our eyes. I had to push it until she agreed to have someone come in to her apartment to help her get ready in the morning. The roles are starting to be reversed. She doesn't like it and neither do I but it is necessary. [And on a high note, she was pleased after having the caregiver come this morning to help her in the mornings and thanked George and I for pushing the issue with her.] {And then she changes her mind and doesn't want her to come again...and then I have to push it again...}

I can feel the stress in my body. My shoulders are so tense. My brain is on overload. I haven't exercised or practiced yoga. Just when I need it the most, I can't get there. I'm beginning to come up with alternatives for stress relief. Hot baths, and good music and laughter when I can. I turned up the volume on Adam Lambert in the car on the way home from Little Gym yesterday and just started singing, loudly. The girls joined in. I needed a release. I have seen pain and agony and Monday's moments are seared into my memory. One of the song lines is "I got my boots on" and when we got home, Mallory ran and put her boots on. Precious and priceless. Later at home, I turned Adam on again loud and the girls and I danced. It is a slight relief from the tough stuff. Enough to get me by for a while longer.