It's Quiet In The House

 We lost 2 beloved pets within two weeks.  A rescue kitty whom had graced us with her presence for fourteen years and whom my younger daughter had come to adore in the last two years.   Eleven days later, we had to put our rescue Beagle of ten years down. 

The ends of their lives were not pretty.  For months I wanted to write about aging pets but never did. The way they were slowing down bit by bit and the circle of life.  It is hard to make the decisions when the time come.  This was my third cat and first dog.  Making the decision on the second cat five years ago was brutal, it brought up past grief as all loss does. I can picture the scene exactly and how emotionally draining it was to have to choose to snuff this life out.  My veterinarian was fabulous and took time to go through the whole process and talk quality of life.  He was kind, gentle and informative.  I talked to a lifelong friend who also worked with animals.  And then I had to do the deed. 

This time with more experience, decisions came more easily but still wrought with emotion.  Princess had stopped eating as her kidneys were shutting down and she had lost nearly half of her body weight.  Annie's cough had increased in frequency and duration.  It was a death knell and excruciating to hear.

My younger daughter came with me to the vet's office both times for the euthanizations. My husband had Covid the second time for our beagle and couldn't come.  We stayed for the sedation shot in the same room both times and it was a peaceful process with Princess.  Annie, as she relaxed began the horrible loud breathing noise that had recently begun as her lungs were congested with fluid.  Annie helped me to know, this too was the right time for her.

In the vets room, we cried and we told them our goodbyes.  I verbalized how much they meant to me, and laughed about the funny stuff.  Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion via Dolly Parton through Truvy in Steel Magnolias. 

I did know that it was time to let them both go. 

This is the first loss that my youngest daughter remembers and she is grieving.  We Facetimed with our college daughter to keep her in the loop as we made decisions.  She was able to say goodbye through video.  The family cohesiveness was reassuring.

A new normal has begun.  The house is especially quiet.  No more coughing, loud breathing, throwing up or pooping in the wrong places. No more running to make sure Annie goes outside as soon as she gets out the bed and staying on top of when she needed to go out again. We are putting away the many sets of stairs we had for Annie to access our couches as well as the food bowl and leash.  We are all adjusting. Brinkley, the mixed breed dog is adjusting.  He is a very emotional dog and loves George and as he was home with Covid, I think it helped Brinkley adjust to being the solo dog for the first few days. 

On Friday, when George went back to work, I walked without Annie for the first time in ten years.   I used to dread the walks when we first got her but over time, I love getting out.  I interact with neighbors and strangers. On so many occasions, neighbors or passerbys would comment because my arms were always stretched in the opposite directions, Brinkley, the swift one in front, and Annie, the elder lagging behind. At first she lagged behind for the sniffing, but then it was about age and lung capacity.  People would comment about how white her fur was and how old Annie looked.  (I felt those comments)  In the last weeks, we had to walk Annie shorter and shorter distances.  But this time, Brinkley and I could walk briskly.  Now there is only one treat to give out. I had to use treats a lot with Annie.  I had to touch her with her diminished hearing and wake her up and coax her to go outside and relieve herself, otherwise it would end up on my carpet.  She would look at me blankly like I was a crazy, and then she began moving, oh so very slowly.  I understood her slowness.  

Last weekend, before Annie moved on the great mystery, we made an abrupt decision and adopted another cat, nine days after putting Princess down. Of course, it was too soon but my rationalizations could not hold up against the wistful faces and desires of the other two humans that day.   It was too soon for Mallory, because she still misses Princess dreadfully.  I beat myself up over going through with it, but am letting it go.  The new kitty is all over Mallory and staying in her part of the house.  This is for new cat to adjust as well as make friends with Brinkley, who is very eager to make her acquaintance. She is beautiful, skittish, and slowly adventuring out.  New sightings are are so much fun. 

I am waiting patiently as Elizabeth lets me in to bond which Mallory very much wants to occur.  And yes, we are naming her Elizabeth... after Bennett of Pride and Prejudice and of course, the late Queenie, with many nicknames available. 

Mallory had told me that Elizabeth likes to visit her when she sits on the toilet (and when she is sleeping and studying).  So when Mallory is not here,  I use that toilet.  And bam, out comes Lizzie rubbing up against my legs. I am generally able to get a nice visit in by gentling swooping her up and petting her very generously. 

It was too soon to adopt her but I can see that this sweet blip of a presence is giving me life.  I am attuning to a flash of white and griege in my eyeline.   She is different from Princess and I am embracing that.  I am letting her be.  I cannot force myself on her.  I have to let her be who she is. 

I am affirming that for myself as well. 

I am letting go of some old ideas and embracing the new.  There are thought patterns I have to let go of that only cause me pain and the only way through is to feel them. Last night, I simply adored crying and petting Elizabeth all at the same time.  I was grieving the old and embracing the new and she didn't seem to mind at all. 

Pets are incredible. 

RIP Princess & Annie. We loved most every minute we had with you, minus the excrement in the wrong places.  You brought us joy, laughter and companionship for so many years. ❤️❤️

Namaste.  

Defining Love

Saturday night, I came across the post of Anderson Cooper announcing the birth of his second son, Sebastian.  I played the video of him explaining how he and his former partner and now best friend were parenting both sons and the children's surnames would both be Maisani-Cooper.  They are a family. He described how he felt the presence of his deceased mother, father and brother while raising toddler Wyatt Cooper with Ben.  He then read a quote from his father, Wyatt Cooper which made me weep.  

All of it made me weep. 

(Thank you to the man on Twitter who painstakingly captured the words on video in written form.) 

Here are Wyatt Cooper's amazingly loving and accurate words. 

"Life itself is brief. And yet each life encloses all eternity.  We are, all of us separately and together engaged on the same tough journey. Each of us taste its joys and sorrows.  Each of us gets by as best as we can. And we must whenever possible reach out to each other tentatively to touch with our hands, with our eyes, and with our hearts. We must wish for each other love and laughter, good thoughts and happy days.  We must go rejoicing in the blessings of this world. Chief of which is the mystery, the majesty, the magic that is life."

For some reason, ever since Anderson Cooper started writing and documenting his and his mother's life and their relationship journey, I was mesmerized.  First in the book, "The Rainbow Comes and Goes" and then in a documentary, "Nothing Left Unsaid."  Anderson has been through tremendous loss, and examined it and come through it looking for light and love. Gloria Vanderbilt led an astounding life trying to fill in the gaps for missing loved ones.  A dad that died when she was one and a mother who was not able to connect with her.   She and Anderson shared their grief over losing his dad, Wyatt, all too soon and then ten years later, his brother, Carter. They shared how their relationship worked and didn't work.  I love a family who speaks their truth and tries to work things out together.  Relationships are messy and there has to be open, honest and mature communication.  If you don't have that, it's really hard to make it work for both parties. 

I celebrate Anderson and his best friend choosing to raise a family together and it really resonates deeply for me.  Family can be who you make it to be.  It can be those who reach out and touch our hands, eyes and hearts.  I have tried to connect on a deeper level with family and it just hasn't worked.  It's devastating to come to that conclusion yet I have learned that God ( the Divine One, the Trinity, the Christ Consciousness or Universe) will bring people and situations into my life that will fill my longing for attachment and connection in a loving and kind way.  It will not look like what I expected but if I can let go, forgive and move on, my heart will be touched by love when I least expect it. 

Today, on Valentine's Day, a manufactured day with confusing origins, I will still celebrate LOVE. 

The kind of love that listens to my deepest concerns and I listen to theirs.  A love that is kind, responsive, mature and patient.  It's not perfect but it shows up.  That's my version of First Corinthians 13.  A veil is lifted and I only understand in part, but the part, the mystery that I see is so generous and overwhelming, I can't do anything but figure out how to lean into it again and again. 

I am so very thankful for the loves in my life.  The unit that I created: my husband and daughters,  friends who are soul sisters, family, and others who cross my path in all kinds of ways.  And of course,  the four legged sweethearts cannot be left out!