My relationship with the gym is changing. Old school me would have to make myself go, because I'm supposed to be there and it was based on looks. Now at fifty-five, it's more about being able to move and function! I hope to have grandchildren one day and I want to be active with them. When we took a two week nonstop group trip to Europe this summer, I wanted to be able to keep up and not struggle, so I trained. Moving my body now, makes me feel good.
I also am learning that sitting with my body and thoughts, makes me feel good.
Actually, better than the gym does.
As a person who has suffered with anxiety forever (and didn't know it), hypervigilance and people pleasing, I had no idea how much I needed to be still and know that I am.
Recently, I realized that the only classes I was actually attending at Woman's Center for Wellness were "Yoga Nidra" (gentle yoga with 20 minute guided meditation) and a "Breathe and Connect" which was total meditation. I was going to the gym to meditate?!! At first, I thought I'm a slacker, but then I discovered practicing in a group honed my skills and that is what I needed at this time.
I have heard about meditation forever. I knew it was SO good but when I sat down and tried over the years, I struggled. I would try here and there. At church, it was called centering prayer. I remember sitting in a graduate school class and trying to breathe as instructed and making myself dizzy. I did not take to it naturally at all.
There is a good Netflix series called "Headspace: Guide to Meditation" by Andy Puddicombe. He describes meditation as: "a skill of training our mind so that we can have a calmer, clearer mind and a greater sense of ease in our mind, our body and our life." Andy reports how science has studied how meditation affects heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels and even the structure of the brain. I can actually change the hardwiring of my brain to lessen anxiety. That seems really unfathomable to me, but I am slowly seeing that very thing occurring.
All of that sounds good doesn't it, but it's really REAL.
Mr. Puddicombe also describes how he thought he could think himself out of losses in his life. I so identify with this. I wanted to excise any negative emotion that came up. My feelings frightened me. I was phobic of them. He states that training the mind is about changing our relationship with the passive thoughts and feelings that come up. We change our perspective on them and we naturally find a place of calm.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
This immediately reminds me of an instagram post I read recently. The opening slide attributed to Lexi Florentina states: We don't actually heal or "get rid of" our pain, trauma or grief. Instead, we build capacity to coexist with it in a way where presence, safety, and joy can also take place.
And then she takes the idea further...
Wow!
The trauma, pain and distress will always be with us, but it is less intense as we process it. With my therapist, I have processed some of my trauma, and I learned to be with it using IFS therapy. Over time, I became less emotionally overwhelmed and began to welcome and nurture the scared, anxious, abandoned parts of my younger self.
I can see now that meditation is a version of this. I watch my thoughts go by and not attach to them or become them. I use breathing as a major component to come back to the present as the restless thoughts always appear. Sometimes, I repeat a positive intention word over and over. There's so many ways.
So meditation and cardio. Yoga Nidra and strength training. The gym can be a place to meditate.
Both/And
Namaste.
