Entering New Territory: The Empty Nest

We moved our youngest daughter to college two weeks ago.  Three cars caravanned to Mississippi. Eldest daughter had been at home working remotely for the last three months for summer break.  She took part in the move in process and then headed back to her own school, two hours away.  We got youngest settled in, met the roommate and her family and eventually George and I departed. 

One car came home solo on that Sunday.  

The nest is now empty. 

There is so much meaning to that small statement. 

My first gut instinct is to deny that I'm sad, or that I might get depressed. I really really want everything (meaning me) to be okay. I desperately NEED to be okay (and of course, my daughter!).  The feelings of why that sentiment is so strong is because I went through horrendous postpartum depression and it still terrifies me that I might to back to that deep dark isolated place.  

I now have tools and experience to address situations that may arise.  

I don't feel depressed right now.  There is a vague sadness and certain little things hit for a few seconds.  This is more discombobulation, characterized by confusion and disorder.  It's different than went I sent eldest off when I grieved early and often.  The house is extremely quiet yet I really crave silence.  One, because I am an introvert and two, because that is when I hear God, my higher power and I process life which helps with becoming unstuck and more combobulated!  

We do now have three cats, yes three, and a dog who follow me around. I was unconsciously filling the nest as we lost two of our elder pets last fall.    What made me saddest when we arrived home that Sunday was seeing Snarg.  This is the cat that lived in youngest's bedroom and slept with her at night.  I felt bad that Mallory would not be there for Snarg on a regular basis anymore. But shy, skittish Snarg is adjusting.  I had to realize the cat is not as deeply traumatized as we humans.  She is branching out and coming to be with George and I.  On cue, Snarg had just came all the way across the house to my bedroom and to the chair in the corner that I write in. 

So what is hitting me is now what?  What is my focus? I have lived to be the best mother I could to my daughters.  I have done a lot of work to heal generational wounds so that I could be available to them emotionally and mentally.   I have spent years in therapy and the last few have been amazingly productive using Internal Family Systems which includes body work, because the body holds the trauma.  And amazingly, that work has dovetailed remarkably with my spirituality.  It's all inner work!

What I have to remind myself is although I lived to be there for my children I learned to take care of myself along the way.  And now, I just want to be. 

I just want TO BE for a little bit.  

I'm tired.  I am an introvert and I pushed through to do all kinds of things in the last 22 years as a stay at home mom.  Did I ever want to be in charge of a group of children?  Never.  I liked the idea of it but it was not in my wheelhouse.  But I did that many times. I even created ways to do it, to have opportunities for my children. 

I need to reset.  I need to give myself some time and space to lean into the new normal.  

George and I are adjusting to this new normal as well.  I believe we still like each other!  We were eased into being alone together again as Mallory was always gone. 

My children still need me in different ways.  The first two weeks of school, I talked to my youngest more than I did all summer.   They are both making their way and I'm so proud of who they are, how emotionally attuned they are and their drive.  I was so scared of everything at their age, but I have learned so much about myself and healed that I hope that I can pass on the wisdom I have obtained and still gaining.

Ready or not, here is the empty nest. It's a new chapter.  I can go slow, rest, and take time to process to lean into the next steps.  I know I very much need to trust my divinely given instincts that are telling me this is what I need now.