Working through the Butterflies

This is my badge of honor. Riley attended a skating birthday party recently and Mallory stayed home with GaGa. I watched the kids go round and round and then I got the urge to do so myself. The birthday girl's mom was heading out there. Another mom and I chatted and we agreed, "Let's go for it!" So I bought some socks, strapped on the skates and then...major butterflies developed in my stomach. Why was I scared? Was it the huge sign out front before you entered the building that screamed - "DO THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK!" Or perhaps because it had been two decades since I last visited a skating rink. Or is it that I'm an adult now, it's further to fall, it hurts more and I have two small people that I have to take care of twenty four-seven.


But I did it! I helped Riley go around the rink slowly as she was learning. Then it was time for cake & presents, and we went to the birthday room and I thought, you know, I want to try this some more. So off I went by myself, and it felt great to get a little speed and enjoy the music. Memories came back to me of a younger and more carefree time. I know I skated tentatively but I did it and had fun which was the point. Working out the butterflies, bit by bit.
This is a picture from my roller skating party just a few years ago.

It really would help to read the directions...

It seems as though every new toy we get, we have to learn new directions. We moved into the world of Apple and have a new laptop. I have an Iphone so I can understand some of the applications and I can do the basics, yet too slowly, so I know I need some lessons. For Valentines, George took my old Iphone and I got the new Iphone with video, because everyone needs video on their cell phone...so much technology, so little time I take to learn how to use these techie things properly.

There are Apple instructional videos to watch online but then that would interfere with my Farmville time on Facebook or my new addiction to Celebrity Rehab and Ruby. Ruby is another blog post on it's way. And I'm actually reading some more too! I finished a very interesting short book entitled, What I Thought I Knew in less than a week and I am coming to the end of Mitch Albom's book called Have a Little Faith which I did get some life nuggets from.

I only wish that I would go back and read the manual for the XM radio. I have a mobile XM device that moves from my car into the house. And over the last two years, very randomly while I'm listening, a beep occurs and it tells me that a Joan Jet song is on. And I think, thank you for telling me that and it just cracks me up. So maybe not reading the directions is okay! It provides me an unexpected laugh at myself.

Going Lightly

I am struggling with food and feelings. For two weeks, I had hit a new level in that I was eating when I was hungry, paying attention when I was full and stopping. And then....I talked about this ad nauseum with my good friends and my therapist and I fell off the wagon. Did I talk about too much or is this just part of the process? For the last few days I have not followed that regimen. I have used food to comfort myself. When I was in "the zone" as I like to call it, I was not using food to quell my uncomfortable feelings but it did make me feel very uneasy. I was really uncomfortable in my own skin. And then coincidentally, after watching Celebrity Rehab, I understood better what those feelings were.

I like Dr. Drew who is the PhD on Celebrity Rehab and I've seen him as the expert on other shows. I was fascinated by the program. I came across it accidentally, and I was drawn to it. I watched how these people were detoxing from their drugs or alcohol and then they have to confront their feelings, which was what sent them to the drugs and alchohol in the first place. I watched one bodybuilder television star walk around ready to go off and hit someone. I could identify with this as I have been in an angry phase. I did not know what to do with the very uncomfortable feelings. I journal, I exercise, I practice yoga, I attend therapy, I talk to friends, but in the end, I have to hunker down and live with the uncomfortableness until it passes.

We humans, all behave similarly in our psychological makeup. If our needs are not met, or there is harm of some way and then we learn to do things to be able to make the pain go away. I am amazed at how one person turns to food, one to alcohol, one to drugs, or shopping or hoarding or whatever and we take it to different levels of extreme. Some cross the line of normal and by that I mean interfering with daily functioning. These addictions are all behaviors manifested to make coping with life easier. And I am fascinated by this. And I realize that this is what I'm doing to some extent.

Well, I need to get back on the wagon, and I will. At the present moment, I feel under the weather. I woke up with a sore throat at 4am. I didn't sleep well Sunday night either. And I have children who are home all week from school for the Mardi Gras holiday. We will run errands and then I have told them that I will rest this afternoon and they can watch a movie, read books, or whatever. And that is okay for me to do. I am learning to nurture myself. AND I'm teaching the girls how to take care of themselves as well. It's a learning process for me to set this example as I have a pull in me to be there for them ALL the time.

Going lightly, it sure is harder than it sounds. It means going really deep and then coming back from that into my authentic self. I've read and heard about this, and it seems that after you embrace your authentic self, life gets easier, worries about others fall to the wayside. I'm beginning to glimpse this, slowly and surely.

Like the Saints...I hope

After an incredible 43 year drought the Saints have won the Superbowl. It is an amazing feat and sounds foreign for anyone around here to say the Saints are Superbowl Champions. The paper bag wearing fans and the 'Aints have made it to the top. I won't pretend that I have followed the team because I didn't know who Drew Brees was until a few weeks ago but I like the human interest stories and this one is fantastic. In the pregame show, Drew Bree's story and the message that it was one in the same as New Orlean's story was quite compelling. The comparison to the city devastated by Katrina and Brees devastated with a shoulder injury was made. Their recovery was made together. It shows he and his wife choosing to live IN the city, not in the suburbs, giving back through helping to rebuild schools, etc. After the game, when they showed Drew with his young son and tears in his eyes, I just got a feeling, that this is a "stand up" guy. And everyone associated with this team from Benson, his daughter, to Sean Payton on down, had hope...and a plan. The onside kick was practiced during their two week prep and when Payton gutsily called it's use, the team was ready. Hope, practice and work.

This morning I heard a terrific radio show on Oprah's Soul Series. It was Pastor Ed Bacon and Elizabeth Lesser and she had a quote about hope and it went something like this: don't hope for more than you are willing to work for. The message was that hoping wasn't about "pie in the sky" feelings, it was about work and for me talking about hope in this manner is new. Yet it really spoke to me. I am currently working really hard to change the way I naturally think, and am changing the "tracks" of my worldview and it is hard but I keep practicing. Rev. Ed said that as long as hope was 51% and despair 49%, then hope wins out. The Saints found the perfect combination of leaders and players, they worked hard and their hope and work payed off. It was wonderful to watch and learn from.

Feeling quite discombobulated yet...

I haven't posted in a week. Today I am feeling totally discombobulated, frustrated and I'm thinking it is hormonally related. I have so many loose ends going on - we moved three rooms of furniture around this weekend. The girls now have their own room, and we moved the office stuff in with what use to be the playroom with a treadmill. So, the closet contents need to be moved, wall hangings need to move, and there are 4 shelves of books on the ground in the dining room. "Books on the ground, looking like a fool with my books on the ground...."

The desktop computer is now in super slow mo since we moved it (and I don't know how to fix it) and it is Dunham online re-enrollment time. After entering the information on the registration page three different times!!!, it finally went through, yet now it won't print a hardcopy which I need to complete the process by the 5th of this month. Aaaarrrgggghhhh.
My Nook E-reader stopped working which has the book I am currently reading with my Sunday group. I hassled with those folks on the phone this morning and need to mail it back.
I have piles of "things" that need to go to my donation center, to consignment, and I'm trying to figure out storage for DVD's and CDs. Lots of piles. Not to mention the girls' scrapbook and materials spread out all over the dining room table as well.
I decided to let go of my cleaning lady - who could only come at 2 in the afternoon and there was a language barrier. I couldn't deal anymore. Luckily, my original lady is available again and she charges less but I get a little less.
So here I am in discombobulation, a very uneasy place for me to be, thank you hormones (I do know that there are worse places to be in but this is what I'm feeling today.) I use to get really paranoid and irritated at this PMS time of my cycle but now I'm working with it...if I feel sad, I cry. If I feel angry, I let myself feel angry. I journal. I'm allowing the emotions, and respecting them which is something I have not done in the past. I am nurturing myself and evidently I NEED this..
AND.....even with all of this discombobulation, I'M NOT TURNING TO FOOD FOR THE ANSWER!!!
This is HUGE. I'm not sure how long it will last but for about the last week, I have been eating when I'm hungry and what I really want and desire to eat. I am sitting down and enjoying my meals (most of the time!) and stopping when I'm full. There is the desire to eat more some of the time yet something seems to have clicked and I think, "I'm not hungry I need to move on." So I've been getting on Farmville which is a nonsense game on Facebook. It's a distraction until I get a better one and Riley likes to do it with me. Perhaps all of this long, painful work that I have been doing is finally coming to fruition when it comes to my eating. It has come to fruition in subtle changes of my world view but I have been painfully waiting for it to come around to my eating. Woo Hoo!!!! I am more ecstatic about this than even if the Saints win the Super Bowl but I'm not telling my Facebook friends because they seem to care a lot about this game. And I'm not ready to trust this behavior yet. Perhaps I don't trust myself?!
Okay, time to let go of the other stuff, I will get to each of these tasks in order of importance. It will get done....eventually. The piles will go to the proper places. Deep breathe. Thank you for reading, it is Little Gym time.