And I Miss Her

Today is the day before Mallory's Tenth Birthday.  Tonight, I am having a slumber party for her and had invited nine of her fourth grade friends to attend.

This had me on edge all week.

Or so I thought.

I know it's just a party yet there are lots of details, and work and noise, some merriment and maybe a little drama.

All night.  In my charge.  In my house.

So I woke up several times a night for three nights in a row with what I thought was anxiety about this party.  And I put little shame on myself because it appears I can't handle a measly sleepover for ten.  But then I started writing in my journal which is a newly acquired practice.

When I began to write, it flowed to thoughts of my mother in law and the tears started to fall.  She basically lived at our house on the weekends before she got sick and helped out whenever and however she could.  She died on March 4th, 2012.  I wanted to think I was done grieving.  I had checked that box off.

But I miss her.

She would have been here, helping me pull it all together.  I can see her in the kitchen.  She worked slowly and methodically and got the job done.  And she would be getting chocolate stains out of Mallory's clothes, still.  And been just as excited about a party as Mallory is!

I miss her.

And now, we have five fourth graders attending.  The number that I think I can handle.

We will see.

All will be well.  (even when it's not)

Namaste.