Pelicans Are All That and More

Since Friday, I have been under the weather. I stayed in bed all weekend.  I caught what Mallory had but she seems to recover from it more quickly than I.  For the first time this morning,  I feel like I'm coming out of it (or I'm taking the right combination of OTC meds, thank you cough suppressant medicine!) I still felt bad yesterday afternoon, but I was beginning to get stir crazy. Over the weekend, George had kept up with the girls and their activities, but Monday was here and it was my turn again. I knew Riley would want to get out the house.

After a morning of resting with the strenuous activity of cleaning out the DVR,  I saw pictures of pelicans at the LSU Lakes on Facebook and knew, this was it. I want to get out of the house and go see the pelicans.   I adore seeing the pelicans.  A few weeks ago while attending a meeting on campus, I exited the interstate at Dalrymple and unexpectedly  was overwhelmed to see many of them gathered.  It's an amazing sight.   I was planning to see them when I left the meeting. I was drawn to them and the quiet.  I was having anxiety over my upcoming Boston trip, and my to do list.  Sadly, they were not in the same location when I left the meeting.

Over the years, coming home after church, we have stopped a time or two to drive around and find them.  At least one time, it was quiet enough to see them and hear them even with the complaining.   The girls did not want to be there at all but I soaked it all in as quickly as possible.  I remember it being spectacular.  What was fabulous was to see and hear them fly.  It has stayed with me and I wanted more.

The pelicans are nature in all its glory doing it's thing. And it's a quiet activity.

And I adore the quiet.

I have learned I really need and am energized by the quiet.

I am an introvert and it is the only way for me to recover from being with people and all the noise of the world is to be alone, still with my thoughts.  I know this about myself but still try to deny it and fit in with others until I start to lose my mind.

During that recent Boston trip, my friends and I went to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum near Fenway Park.  It is four stories of art that Ms. Gardner collected over her lifetime, but in the middle of the museum which was her home is a magnificent atrium.  Each floor as I gazed at the art, I was drawn back to the open windows leading to the atrium in the center.  The atmosphere was hushed, I longed to go and sit and just take it in.  I don't know why I didn't listen to my intuition and do it.  If anybody, this group of ladies would completely understand my ducking out to sit and take it in.  I'm still learning to listen to my intuition and not do what I think I am supposed to do and do what I want to do.



Yesterday afternoon, Riley was willing to go see the pelicans.  I had to promise Mallory a treat and I didn't care how terrible it was that I was bribing her.  In the end, she agreed to go without a bribe because that's who she is. And we set off.  This could go really ugly really quickly because my near teen and teenager do not hold back on their displeasure if things don't work out.  We are learning though, that is life.  That is one of my missions, to teach them to roll with life and embrace what is.

I didn't know which way to go and that didn't matter.  We just went.  And we found them!  They weren't all in one place but I saw them.  I maneuvered a bit around the lakes to get more up close and personal as they moved themselves.

They do not stay in one place.  Why did I think they would?

I got some pictures, but I was really trying to take them in, into my consciousness just as they were.  I tried to do it quickly before the squawking started.  You know the kids, not the birds. I parked in a stranger's driveway which made the kids uncomfortable but I did it anyway. And I was able to take the picture below.  It was spectacular to watch the birds fly in and land on the water.

I am taking an oath right here, right now, to listen to my intuition as I'm steered to the healing quiet.

It is where the divine is.

Namaste.

I Have Something in Common with Trump

I have something in common with DJT.  We both want to be zen. I heard a news report that he wanted to project zen after the two indictments and the guilty plea on Monday.  I was incredulous that this was the word used.  I have longed to be "zen" for a number of years and have wanted to write a blog for a few weeks now about the fact that I am not zen.  And bam, there it was, that word used in connection with Trump?!!

I am not zen by nature, and I really, really want to be calm, focused and not have my feathers ruffled. (i.e.. no anxiety!!)   But I'm just not.  Donald wants to project this as well, or at least he did three days ago.  Mr. twitter "every thought and feeling with no filter" wants to appear calm.  Maybe somewhere deep in his consciousness, he wants to rise above but it seems in this instance it is more about brand management. I'm not sure with his obvious Narcissistic Personality disorder(s) that he could rise above.  He would have to acknowledge and have awareness to begin.

It just hit me, what is zen?  What does it really mean, what is the definition?  My Google search definition said this:

1. zen: a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition.

   
   

   Wait, I am all about intuition!!! (Intuition is listening to the most undervalued part of the Trinity: the Holy Spirit) 

   
   

   Another definition from Zen.buddhism.net: Zen meditation, is a way of vigilance and self-discovery which is practiced while sitting on a meditation cushion. It is the experience of living from moment to moment, in the here and now. 

   
   

   Are you kidding me??  

   
   

   Oh my gosh, I do practice zen!! The key word being practice.  Years ago, the first book that I read of this nature at church was Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth."  Tolle's premise is about living in the here and now. I had no idea what he was talking about when I started, but it was about being in the present moment: not dwelling in the past, nor the fear of the future.  In Psalms, it says "Be still and know that I am God."  What this means, is to stop fighting, surrender and be quiet in God's presence and to the Divine's ways.  Basically the all knowing, who is present everywhere, has got your back. (It may not look like what you want though) 

   
   

   The difficulty in that is learning to let go.  Ha ha!  That infamous letting go.  Why can't we let go?  When we sit still, what comes to us?   Big thoughts that don't stop, and scary feelings or energy as I have learned to call it. I have been diligently plunging into this notion in terms of addictions and compulsions.  This is why we are the most compulsed nation in the world.  The list is endless, we all know them:  Alcohol, drugs, food,  gambling, shopping, exercising, electronics, etc. etc.  Any behavior that helps us avoid our life right in front of us and numb out. Some of them are healthy actions but when it is taken to the extreme, that is avoidance and can interfere with relationships, and career, etc.

   
   

   And this work to be "in the moment" is the hardest of anything that I've embarked on.  For example, I am about to get on a plane by myself and fly to a large city and meet a few friends that I know intimately but yet, I've never met in person. (I've met a few of them)  I am claustrophobic as all get out.  Planes, elevators, and now root canal DO ME IN. The last time I flew in late July, I woke up to a panic attack about flying DAYS BEFORE we left.  My hands are shaking as I type because I have great fear of enclosed spaces.   And fear of going it alone.  But I'm doing it anyway.  

   
   

   Another example is when a study group of mine decided to meditate for 5 minutes after we listened to an audio.  I have not practiced meditation.  I have practiced mindfulness which is focusing on my thought patterns but not actually sitting still cross legged. My intuition told me to get up from where I was sitting because I was too close to the person whom I adore next to me.  I didn't listen it though and as soon as I closed my eyes, and we started, I felt panic.   I was claustrophobic and needed my own space. My anxiety rose but I stayed with it and the panic slowly dissipated.   And this is how I practice meditation.  Ha ha, it starts with anxiety about having anxiety. LOL!!  Good times!

   
   

   I am learning to be with these energy and I have learned that it is okay, to take medication to fly, but I want to embrace new practices to calm myself.   

   
   

   I have to trust the Divine One and let go.  I have to practice staying in my body. Breath is the key to staying with the body.  Breathing and using all of my lung capacity.  Focus my wayward thoughts on something else not scary.  I have downloaded...guided meditations to listen to.  The Hamilton soundtrack takes me away too! 

   
   

   Zen is the value of meditation and intuition.  

   
   

   Why I misunderstood what Zen was, is because I want SERENITY NOW especially right now!!!  But it's a practice and not a state of being.  I want it now, now, now.    

   
   

   It's not about being zen, it's about practicing zen.

   
   

   I have thought many times about the reason why DJT gets under my skin so very much and it's not just about his political ideology.  And I can learn from this.   I can clearly see what his personality is and what his motivation is and it is all about his ego.  He has very poor ego structure.  There is an AA saying, "If you spot it, you got it" and this applies here.   What I recognize in others so readily is actually one of my own issues.  It touches a nerve.  I don't believe Trump sits with his thoughts and feelings at all.  He acts on them when he shouldn't ALL THE TIME.  He says he can do everything and do it better than everybody. He is soothing his ego when he does this.  How I'm different in responding and soothing my ego, is that I have told myself I can't do anything.  We both have poor egos, we just project it differently. 

   
   

   Yet, I have been slowly and methodically proving myself wrong on this.

   
   

   I can do many things that I thought I couldn't or wouldn't ever try.

   
   

   Yet I have to sit and be still with the most uncomfortable energy to do so.  In this present moment of fear, I am having a hard time knowing what it will feel like after this wave passes, but there will be calm on the other side and the awareness of the Divine presence within.  This is what awareness and going within is all about.  When you catch that Divine flow, you want to stay forever but it just a glimpse that keeps you coming back and being still over and over.   

   
   

   Namaste