I Needed To Not Feel Alone

Ernest Hemingway once said: "In our darkest moments, we don’t need solutions or advice. What we yearn for is simply human connection—a quiet presence, a gentle touch. These small gestures are the anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much."

Ernest Hemingway may or may not have said that.  Everything on Facebook is not true! I tried to investigate but I couldn't tell if it was accurate. So it might be true. What I did want to say is that the wisdom in the sentiment is very true. 

We were recently on a week long vacation in Rhode Island. I plan the itinerary (with many reminders from eldest)  and on an annual basis, I forget to schedule in downtime. After several full days of going, I hit a wall of exhaustion.   One morning, I was just so very done. I was beside myself.   I tried to communicate to my husband and eldest daughter this overwhelm that I was experiencing and it wasn't landing.  I was getting blank stares which are the worst.  I will admit that I tend to repeat things to try to desperately get what I'm looking for and that makes it worse. 

 My younger daughter was still sleeping while I was talking with husband and eldest. When she and I were alone after she remarked she was tired too, I strategized with her, and said, "I need you on my team."  

I need you on my team. 

She then remarked she meant she hadn't woken up yet.  I sighed. In that moment, I just needed someone to be on my team. 

I needed to not feel alone. 

We went on with our plans that morning and I repeated before we left the airbnb that I planned for down time in the afternoon.  We went on our way, we had lunch and then I was going to get dropped off while they went on to do another activity.  They kept talking, and decided to postpone the activity until tomorrow.  So everyone came home and had down time (because we all needed it!) 

Somewhere along the way,  I had an epiphany that I didn't need everyone to feel the same way I did.    What I end up doing in an instance like this, is trying to convince others why I was tired, why I needed down time.  It felt truly awful, that I was having to rationalize my feelings to others.  If I feel it, that is my experience.  I knew I needed to approach it in a different way. The epiphany was that what  I needed in those moments earlier was a gentle presence of understanding.  

I needed a knowing look of compassion. My husband and I have been together for 32 years.  He is a problem solver and surgeon who literally cuts out problems in life, so we have tangoed with this for a long time. We are making progress. Several weeks ago, I was upset about something, and he walked over to me, sat down and put his arm around me and said nothing. But he was present with me in that moment and that was what I exactly needed.  This simple (!) human connection as Hemingway may or may not have talked about is related to our past trauma.  I was having anxiety over not being able to keep going for myself and disappointing my family.

I have been led down a new path of understanding trauma in the body, especially related to the generalized anxiety I have.  A few years ago a friend mentioned the book, "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk.  And suddenly, I began seeing this message everywhere and how the body was the holder of all trauma. The body was the temperature gauge for all things emotional, etc. For years, I stayed in my head and wanted to rationalize everything that was happening to me. I also thought I just need to learn how to relax, to meditate, to freaking calm down!  Anxiety would paralyze me and I wanted to get rid of it in any way possible. But slowly with the aid of my wonderful therapist and eventually the use of Internal Family Systems Therapy, I learned that I needed to reparent myself and learn how to be with whatever came up and welcome it.  Could this BE any more opposite to what I had been doing for decades?  It was daunting work to make friends with everything that came up because there was a LOT pushed down. Little by little I learned to sit with the immense sadness, abandonment, and shame. 

I needed to be the gentle presence for myself. 

I may have written this same sentiment before but it's taking me a while to grasp to welcome ALL feelings, and not fight them off.  It goes against every fiber of my being. 

After decades of looking outside myself, and staying in my head looking for answers, I have learned to stop and have a conversation with the younger version of myself.  That younger version is guiding me every minute and I have to welcome, befriend and heal her. She is not going away.  She is my guide. 

She is my guide and I must pay attention and nurture her. 

I must be her gentle presence. 

Namaste. 

Ode to a Uterus: Part 2 - A Real Goodbye This Time

 I didn't think I would be writing about my uterus anymore.  I did ten years ago when I had an endometrial ablation.   https://timetogolightly.blogspot.com/2013/08/thank-you-uterus.html  All has been good for a long time except some ovarian cysts and fibroids that weren't causing any long term problems. Last year, I did find out I was in menopause and began taking estrogen.   

About a month ago, the uterus became problematic again.  A visit with a nurse practioner, and the ER uncovered that my uterus decided to supersize with fibroids and was causing discomfort and pain. I learned about fibroid degeneration, and blood supply.  Tomorrow, I plan to learn more after the surgery is completed that will remove my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and cervix. The key word is after surgery.  

I have learned some things about myself in the last twenty-seven years which was my last "big" surgery. 

I have anxiety.  At times, this anxiety grips my body in paralysis and my mind thinks it's never going to leave my person ever, ever again.  As my heart is racing, my stomach is turning, my whole body is activated but frozen and my thoughts turn to desperation and darkness.  How will I go on like this forevermore?  Who is going to save me? After some time has passed, and the grip of anxiety has lessened,  I forget that I have anxiety.  It has come to be a surprise over and over that this condition is my baseline.   I was shocked, I tell you, shocked when some years ago, my primary care doctor wrote in my chart, generalized anxiety disorder! 

In the past, when I wasn't in the thick of it, I had been in complete denial of it. Anxiety didn't interfere in my life's function until postpartum with my first child. I didn't know what was going on, but it tortured me.   

The last few years, with my fabulous therapist, I have used Internal Family Systems therapy to address and understand my baseline anxiety and feelings of abandonment.  Much time has been invested in knowledge about trauma in the body, and Complex PTSD, etc. For years, I focused on head knowledge which was an avoidant technique.  Now, I address it in the body with IFS, brainspotting, yoga, meditation, mindfulness and new understandings of the Trinity.  Now I know, I need to embrace the anxiety and make space for it and coexist with it, because it is a part of me. 

In late 1996, my last big surgery, was when I was first married and living in Buffalo, New York, while my husband was in his general surgery residency.  I began having abdominal pain and it was my appendix.  On the way to the Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital to have it removed, I'm sure I asked what was going to happen.  My husband told me every freaking detail of what was going to happen. In hindsight, it was best for me not to know the details, including the kicker that there was to be shaving of a certain region! Another thing to block out in that surgery, with my unclothed body laying on the table was a residency friend that had come to our Thanksgiving dinner who would be assisting.  There are things I needed to block out then and now and likely forevermore. 

When I had my appendix removed, I had the really unpleasant memory of being rolled into the OR, but not out under anesthesia yet.  I was very distressed as the room was cold and very bright, and I could see the sterile instruments and every one rushing around to prepare but there was no attention to me.  I felt so abandoned and alone.  It triggered something deeply embedded in me.  They were just doing their jobs but I very much had a reaction that has stayed with me to this day and is coming up as I type this. 

This time, twenty seven years later, I am able to speak up and ask that I not be rolled into the OR until I'm out, ask for a hand or some acknowledgment.  Anything for me to speak up and express myself!   

I am the person to save me. For a few decades, I didn't know how to ask.  I suffered in silence.  I didn't feel worthy to speak up.  

Yesterday, as I discussed the upcoming procedure with a friend group, and I told them about the blog from ten years ago, and how I had wanted to acknowledge my uterus and it's job, my friend started laughing.  She brought up sentiments of Marie Kondo, the house organizer:  In letting go of objects in the home, she would thank them for their service and let them go if they did not spark joy anymore.   

My uterus is banging into my bladder and other parts and is not sparking joy anymore!!  I once again am profoundly thankful for having the privilege of carrying two of the lights of my lives and giving birth.  There was a time, I didn't think that would happen and I am still grateful. 

 I am also grateful to say goodbye to these four reproductive parts.  It is time.  I hope to be productive in other ways using other parts as I continue on with this adventure of life. 

Namaste~

Greeting Pain With Loving Kindness: A Lesson From Turning Red

 I am trying to watch as many Oscar nominated movies as I can before the Academy Awards show on March 12. It's an annual tradition and I have to come to terms with watching movies that are not my genre or that I really don't understand, yet usually I find a nugget of a really great truth.  Last night, there was a wonderful moment and it couldn't have been timed any better. 

At this point, I've watched most of the dramas and now I move to watch animated films.  They are my least favorite genre behind action, war or fantasy.  Last night, we viewed "Turning Red" from Disney.  I came into it with low expectations, and it was "free" as we subscribe to Disney streaming.  It was one more box I could check off my crumpled Oscar nominations page.  I have also been obsessively filling out the same online quiz to up my score for how many of the 2023 Oscar nominated movies I have watched compared to others.  I know it's not a hard feat, but I love it. 

I knew there was a possibility that something would hit home for me in this Disney movie.  ("Dig A Little Deeper" from "Princess and the Frog" comes to mind first and I think I wrote about it)

I have been acutely struggling with sadness and anxiety for the last year or so.  The last days, I was really grappling hard with sadness.   It is not a new struggle and I found journals where I wrote the same feelings 6 and 7 years ago. I was writing the SAME exact feelings!!  I chuckled out loud and that felt huge.  I began thinking that as freaking uncomfortable as these feelings are, they are not going anywhere.  And the more gently that I accept them and even welcome them(!!!),  they may grow to be less uncomfortable.  

The following are ideas from ten years ago in my notes on my Iphone, and I will attribute them to Mary O'Malley, an author and therapist whom I likely heard them from at the time: The frontal lobe is dualistic in nature:  we have been conditioned from very early on to live in war.  Our core compulsion is to struggle.  All other compulsions are an attempt to numb out the constant unease of this struggle. What you control, controls you. 

What you control, controls you. 

Eeesh.

Acceptance it is. 

It seems that acceptance is always the solution but it may take time to see and become aware of it.  The pain stands in the way of acceptance. Pain and discomfort need to be welcomed like old friends. Yes, really.  I push pain away, fear it and become obsessed with it.  It is the most difficult assignment, but yet time and time again, this truth is exposed to me. 

What I have come to understand is that I feel like I am becoming sadness, not that it's just come for a visit.  Sadness and anxiety are a protection from from the past, decades ago.  There were events that I could not handle on my own and these were protective mechanisms for younger me. The current me, the older, wiser me has learned tools to better accommodate life.  

Back to "Turning Red"as George, Mallory and I are watching it. Mei is a thirteen year old teenager who is now turning into a red panda when experiencing intense emotion due to powers passed down matrilineally.  The first time she turned into the "monster" while having both anger and joy, I turned to Mallory and said something, like... here we go.  

And then later on in the movie was this fantastic moment as her dad explains to Mei:

"People have all kinds of sides to them and some sides are messy, the point isn't to push the bad stuff away, it's to make room for it, live with it." 

Wow, wow, wow. 

I once again turned to Mallory and said something about here it is (the truth bomb).  She turned her head towards me and had a quiet smile of recognition.

I ADORE and live for these moments. Moments on film or life that reflect something that I have grappled so hard with and I hear the same truth that I have painfully come to.  I love that my daughters and I even lightly touch upon truths that I did not come to understand until my forties and now fifties. 

If watching an animated Disney movie is the catalyst, it's so worth it!

Some of life's greatest pleasures come when you least expect it. 

Namaste.

I Killed the Xanax (And What Do Boundaries Really Look Like)

I had a dentist appointment at 10:00 am a few Fridays ago.  Around 8:30 that morning, I began to have slight nerves.  It was the second appointment to complete putting a new crown in.  The last appointment should have lasted an hour but instead it was an excruciating three hours.  I now have secure knowledge that I am completely claustrophobic of being trapped in a dental chair with two people in my grill, especially when the drill comes out.  (The other most important fact I learned: it takes an hour for Xanax to kick in completely.)

And I judge myself for this. 

I have judged myself that I can't buck up, and get through.  Everyone else can, right?  At times, there is a constant belittling of myself in my mind that I'm not enough.  I have awareness of this voice now, and that awareness is the beginning of extinguishing it.  And I do so, bit by bit.

It has become apparent that I need "help" to get through dental work over the last few years.  I had a panic attack towards the end of a root canal over a year ago because my Xanax dose wasn't appropriate. I bared through until the end because I knew the dentist was almost finished and he would have had to start over.  So for this first crown appointment,  I took the right dosage but only around 15-20 minutes before I left.  I didn't know that I needed an hour.

I just didn't know. 

And I judged myself.

As they bustled around me, shots were injected, preparations made and the drill ran to remove the injured tooth came out and, I put my hand up and said I can't do this.  I was having full out panic. It feels like the world is closing in and all I want to do is escape. And there was no way, I could gut through it this time.  I couldn't breath my way through, I couldn't think positive thoughts. I couldn't imagine happy places and I said no.

Even though we waited over an hour for the medicine to kick in,  I still couldn't do it.  It's like the full out panic killed the Xanax.

So after my Dr. consulted another physician, our next step was nitrous oxide.  I hadn't ever used laughing gas but I knew this work had to be done, and that I shouldn't leave without completing it.  It had been hard to come to this appointment.  So on comes the small nose mask.  (I also don't like being put under either so this was trippy as well)   I couldn't stop talking at this point to focus on breathing the gas in as I should have. But you see, the floodgates had opened and my "secret" was out, and it was "way out" and I could talk about it now.  There had been a miscommunication with my dentist about dental anxiety and this lack of communication bothered me.  In order to clear it up, I would have had to speak up, take up his time and admit my weakness.  During a call to reschedule the crown appointment because I didn't want to go back in, I talked to one of his assistants about my anxiety.  Turns out she had done a lot of research because her son has it as well, and she was the one who helped get me back into the chair.  At least one person in the office understood and that helped.  But I still hadn't talked to the dentist.

And I still haven't. And that is okay. I spoke up. I imagine picture perfect scenarios and conversations where I speak my truth and my feelings bravely and eloquently and the other person totally gets it and embraces me (HA HA HA)  That is not reality.   It's more about setting boundaries and if those aren't respected, you have to back away.

The Dentist doesn't have to understand everything about me. I just have to raise my hand and say, I can't do this.  Let's figure out another way.

This is called a boundary. 

And it doesn't matter if the other person understands my feelings or not.  Not everyone is going to understand and that's the whole point of why you have the boundary in the first place.

This is where I am at this stage of life.  I stayed quiet a long time and never wanted to rock the boat. But that is unsufferable.  If I don't speak up for myself, who will?

I have pushed myself to do things I never thought I would ever do. Plenty of uncomfortable feelings, have been gutted through.  But I will not do so anymore in the dental chair.  I will take whatever medicine works and am thankful for it's existence.

And I'm beginning to lessen the judgment.

And in a most unexpected fashion, at the end of the last appointment, I had THE best conversation with my dentist, not about anxiety, but about spiritual practices and the Trinity. I was not anticipating this scenario at all.  I simply adore talking about spiritual practices with like minded persons.

Life is full of surprises.  This was one of them.  I call them God Winks.

Namaste.

Pelicans Are All That and More

Since Friday, I have been under the weather. I stayed in bed all weekend.  I caught what Mallory had but she seems to recover from it more quickly than I.  For the first time this morning,  I feel like I'm coming out of it (or I'm taking the right combination of OTC meds, thank you cough suppressant medicine!) I still felt bad yesterday afternoon, but I was beginning to get stir crazy. Over the weekend, George had kept up with the girls and their activities, but Monday was here and it was my turn again. I knew Riley would want to get out the house.

After a morning of resting with the strenuous activity of cleaning out the DVR,  I saw pictures of pelicans at the LSU Lakes on Facebook and knew, this was it. I want to get out of the house and go see the pelicans.   I adore seeing the pelicans.  A few weeks ago while attending a meeting on campus, I exited the interstate at Dalrymple and unexpectedly  was overwhelmed to see many of them gathered.  It's an amazing sight.   I was planning to see them when I left the meeting. I was drawn to them and the quiet.  I was having anxiety over my upcoming Boston trip, and my to do list.  Sadly, they were not in the same location when I left the meeting.

Over the years, coming home after church, we have stopped a time or two to drive around and find them.  At least one time, it was quiet enough to see them and hear them even with the complaining.   The girls did not want to be there at all but I soaked it all in as quickly as possible.  I remember it being spectacular.  What was fabulous was to see and hear them fly.  It has stayed with me and I wanted more.

The pelicans are nature in all its glory doing it's thing. And it's a quiet activity.

And I adore the quiet.

I have learned I really need and am energized by the quiet.

I am an introvert and it is the only way for me to recover from being with people and all the noise of the world is to be alone, still with my thoughts.  I know this about myself but still try to deny it and fit in with others until I start to lose my mind.

During that recent Boston trip, my friends and I went to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum near Fenway Park.  It is four stories of art that Ms. Gardner collected over her lifetime, but in the middle of the museum which was her home is a magnificent atrium.  Each floor as I gazed at the art, I was drawn back to the open windows leading to the atrium in the center.  The atmosphere was hushed, I longed to go and sit and just take it in.  I don't know why I didn't listen to my intuition and do it.  If anybody, this group of ladies would completely understand my ducking out to sit and take it in.  I'm still learning to listen to my intuition and not do what I think I am supposed to do and do what I want to do.



Yesterday afternoon, Riley was willing to go see the pelicans.  I had to promise Mallory a treat and I didn't care how terrible it was that I was bribing her.  In the end, she agreed to go without a bribe because that's who she is. And we set off.  This could go really ugly really quickly because my near teen and teenager do not hold back on their displeasure if things don't work out.  We are learning though, that is life.  That is one of my missions, to teach them to roll with life and embrace what is.

I didn't know which way to go and that didn't matter.  We just went.  And we found them!  They weren't all in one place but I saw them.  I maneuvered a bit around the lakes to get more up close and personal as they moved themselves.

They do not stay in one place.  Why did I think they would?

I got some pictures, but I was really trying to take them in, into my consciousness just as they were.  I tried to do it quickly before the squawking started.  You know the kids, not the birds. I parked in a stranger's driveway which made the kids uncomfortable but I did it anyway. And I was able to take the picture below.  It was spectacular to watch the birds fly in and land on the water.

I am taking an oath right here, right now, to listen to my intuition as I'm steered to the healing quiet.

It is where the divine is.

Namaste.

Ode To The Bravery of Carrie Fisher (not necessarily Princess Leia)

Can 2016 get any worse?  There was a joke about hiding Betty White away.  So many entertainers have died, Prince and George Michael are gone.  I really didn't know David Bowie but I liked what he had to say as a person. But I really loved what Carrie Fisher had to say.   And now she is gone and she was only 60!  I'm forty-eight and that gives me pause.  What if I never say or do what I was meant to because I am too scared of what people will think.

The author, Anne Lamott said this...
…Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen. Repent just means to change direction—and NOT to be said by someone who is waggling their forefinger at you. Repentance is a blessing. Pick a new direction, one you wouldn’t mind ending up at, and aim for that. Shoot the moon.

(It thrills me that repent means to change direction and she mentions that's it's not wagging a finger in someone's face.  It's a blessing not a judgment.  I've never had that wonderful connotation of that word and I've started to rewire the definition in my head.)

Back to Carrie Fisher.  I know I watched Star Wars long ago but that is not what stuck with me about her.  The movie Postcards from The Edge stuck so I read the book.  And then I read Surrender the Pink and Wishful Drinking.  I just added The Princess Diarist to my hold's list on Overdrive.   Yesterday, I watched the "Wishful Drinking" special again On Demand.  The diagram of her family was hilarious.

It must have been in the 2008 book, Wishful Drinking, what she said about living with bi-polar:   "At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.  They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication."

That resonated with me so deeply and clinched me as a fan.  I suffered terribly with Postpartum depression and anxiety after my first child.  It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through.  I felt so very alone and there were so many days, weeks,  and sometimes just a moment felt like a struggle.  Making it through an hour was sometimes way too much to comprehend.   I was so alone and felt so hopeless with a helpless infant who needed me, just me.  It was the lowest of lows and the anxiety and the crying were endless.  (Mine and Riley's!)  It took me months to understand that I needed to take an anti-depressant to get back on track.  And it took at least a year to begin to feel like myself again.  The hiccup was that the first night I took an anti-depressant, it lit me up even higher with anxiety than I already was experiencing.   I didn't sleep a wink and I thought that they were going to have to lock me away because I couldn't sleep nor could I function anymore.  I can recall the terror of that period instantly and that night permanently and forever scarred me.  In hindsight, I  should have taken an anti-anxiety along with the anti-depressant until my body adjusted to the anti-depressant.   That bout with PPD changed my life and started me on the journey I am now on.

I can't imagine living with a daily struggle of bipolar that is so merciless that leads to electric-shock therapy.  But you have to do what you have to do.  One can overcome so many odds.

When I read that passage in Wishful Drinking, I thought, oh my gosh, yes!  Instead of looking down on people with mental illness, they really should be applauded because it can be an ongoing, daily, sometimes hourly struggle.  And Carrie Fisher said this out loud!!  Wow!  Bravo!  Through the pages of a book, it made me feel not so alone for what I had gone through.  Sometimes, a connection can be made by reading a book, and now it can be online.

I will miss her wit and her courage and seeing her dog, Gary. I will miss that she stood up for herself and body image for many of us when they shamed her for not looking like her 19 year old self in a bikini.  Carrie wrote about the despair of mental illness but also made it funny.  Princess Leia was a formidable opponent, but it is Carrie Fisher who was the bravest bad ass to me.   Someone who speaks up for those who have no voice.   RIP Carrie Fisher.  You are gone too soon.
Namaste.

1.2 Miles Away (My 225 Experience)

As you well know, Alton Sterling was shot and killed by a police officer at the Triple S Food Mart on North Foster in my home city.   I watched the video a few times to see if I could decipher what occurred. Then the next day,  I watched the video of Philando Castile's girlfriend and him bleeding out and dying before my eyes.  I had to detach a bit knowing this was not a movie, this was real.  I don't watch the news anymore because I have learned that it does not serve me well.  It is mostly negative, and I have the tendency to stay in fear and foreboding and scarcity.  I don't want to live in scarcity anymore.

I don't want to discuss what I think of the shootings, because it's just so much more complex than a simple "black and white answer."  It is not cut and dry.  I just know from listening that living in black skin can be a lot more difficult than for most people living in white skin.  I know that racism exists and our community is hurting.

You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

While reading one of my friend's Facebook posts about going to a prayer vigil in a north Baton Rouge church last Thursday night, she described secondhand how much pain the black community was in and there was discussion of whether the white community cared.  This broke my heart.

How do I show I care? What can I do to step out of my South Baton Rouge comfort zone?

This is where I am going to be really honest. Although, there is a desire to show up at a prayer vigil or some sort of protest to say, let's come together, I support you!  I don't think I can.

I have fear.

Growing up and in a very small town, the mentality I developed was if you drive to New Orleans and get out the car, you were going to get shot.  This goes for pretty much any large city.  That is the impression I had and have lived with for most of my life.  Don't drive in the bad parts of town.  For that matter,  when I'm walking the dogs at night in my own neighborhood, I get alarmed when a car drives by and I'm watching closely for something bad to happen.

As I have begun determining what I believe authentically, miraculously at the same time an ease has materialized in my day to day living.  I realize how much anxiety and fear on a daily basis that I lived with.  My mind was constantly afraid of every small action that I needed to take even when I knew what I needed to do, I didn't.  I was afraid to speak up... anywhere.   I was frozen in my tracks for as long as I can remember.  This type of fear has to be taken down bit by bit over time.  Exposure by exposure and by practicing, a lot of practicing.

Sunday morning, I went to my book study at church and one of the suggestions was to do your part where you are, with who was in front of you each day.  And to examine your own beliefs, and where you may be contributing to the problem.

That morning, I learned that the three out of state groups that were scheduled to come and work our church's Revive 225 program this week had cancelled.  Our church was looking for volunteers to do the house repairs of homes that are within a 5 mile radius of our downtown church.  When I met up with my oldest daughter in the church gym, I looked at her without any prior planning and blurted out, "Do you want to work?" intuitively knowing that she would.  Now, in my class the hour before,  I had said out loud to the group, it's over 100 degrees outside, I can't do that, are they crazy?  But what was really going on were the other fears in my mind.  The north Baton Rouge fears... (and the heat too!)

But we signed up anyway.

We signed up on the youth page.  Mallory was enrolled in a morning camp so we could work the morning shift.  Baby steps.  Later on that night, I watched the news just to see what was going on with the protests.  There was a large confrontation between police and protestors with fifty arrests just a few blocks from our church...

But I knew I still wanted to go.

I told myself the protesters who were from mostly out of town, would be leaving.  I was slightly anxious, but the kind that I've worked through before when I step out of my comfort zone.  I awoke early, and worried about driving my car around north Baton Rouge.

But I knew I still wanted to go.

I knew in my gut, all would be well.  We showed up at the first house and worked to remove debris that had been taken down previously.  Our youth director mentioned that we were not that far away from the Triple S.  (Alrighty then.) We went to a second house not far away and picked up more materials. At this point, Riley went with the rest of the youth group to work longer and I stayed behind in order to pick Mal up from her camp.  I went in to the house to see if they needed help. Several church members were removing old ceiling tile and repairing it.  I went to ask the homeowner for a broom.  As I knocked to announce my presence in the room she was in, she got up with the warmest smile and presence and walked across the room with open arms and we hugged.

Those who go with the intention to "help others", end up receiving the blessing.

I didn't know I needed a hug that day, and the homeowner in north Baton Rouge gave it to me.

I didn't stay long, because there wasn't much for me to do, and I went to say bye to the homeowner.  Of course, I forgot her name as I forget everything that I don't type in to Notes these days.  But she remembered mine.

"Bye Miss Carol"

We mutually hugged again.

I feel less scared to go back another time.  Baby steps.

At home that afternoon, I had the addresses in my GPS and I looked up where the Triple S Food Mart was from where we were.  It was 1.2 miles away.

She lived 1.2 miles away from the deadly shooting and I am the one who received the hug.  In actuality, I give myself credit that I immediately put my arms up when I saw her reaction.

Bit by bit, the fear and feelings of scarcity will cease and be overtaken by love.

Belief

Yes!  

This is true.

What you believe, you will become.

I have always lived with fear.

Fear in every thought.

And every thought was so small.

Learning to live with HEART and LOVE now.

Slow painstaking process.

Makes all the difference in the world though.

Namaste.

Letting Go Of What's Broken, Part 2

This is beginning to seep in. The most important part of it to me is that, "You get to laugh loudly, paint, write and create. You get to be yourself."

I LOVE writing.  I didn't start in earnest until five-six years ago.  This blog has been hugely important to me.  I process my life as I write.  Thank you for reading and commenting!

I was unauthentic the first half of my life.  I relied on following others, taking subtle signals from others on how to respond.  I did not know how to live my own life.  And I didn't even know that I wasn't living my own life.   I can see it so much more clearly now that I've been claiming myself for the last few years.  (I love the 40's!!)

I feared so much.  I lived in daily anxiety.  A few months ago,  I went to a party that was with a group that I am not usually extended an invitation.  George was working that night and I worked hard to find a date to go with me.  In the past, the first "no" would have halted the process and felt like a major rejection of me.  Yet I kept asking, I was determined to go.  Finally, a newer friend of mine was able to go.  God bless her, she is still friendly with me because I was so anxious about going and it came out as non-stop blathering.  I couldn't stop talking about my worries….

About going to a party??

When and how did I become this person?  (But that doesn't matter and I don't want to spend any more time figuring it out in my head, I just want to grow)  I didn't really understand what happened until the next day, and I processed my behavior and how anxious I was.  About half way through the party, I thought, do I really want to be here?  I  had been wanting to break through into this group for so long (with no real action on my part, just wishing and hoping) and here I was thinking, hmmm.  Do I want to be here?

And why did I want to be a part of this group so badly? Attractive FB pictures? The desire to be part of a tribe, to be part of a larger whole, to be connected with people?

This is part of figuring out who I am.  I have to try things and see how it goes and some may be just the ticket and some may not.  I recognize that there is a group that I belong to at church that I have felt at home with from the moment I sat down in the chair of their book study.  I can't say this strongly enough.  I FELT AT HOME FROM THE MOMENT I SAT DOWN.  The discussions that we have are exactly in line with passions of mine.   PASSIONS!  They give me support like I have never had, and they comment on who I am becoming and see me for who I am.   I walk in the door and they hug me and are glad to see me.  I have learned to have a voice in that class.  I speak up and say what's on my heart and it's not always pretty but they applaud me and my efforts and say the most warm, nurturing and loving things.  And I'm learning to do the same.  I am learning to be nurturing and warm.  I thought I was before but I wasn't in the way that I aspire to be or rather who I think I am deep inside where fear is not holding me back.

It's so much easier to love others when you love yourself.

And I have never attended any functions of this group that I was invited to.

There is a party tonight. I am making plans to go. And there will probably be nerves.  And that's okay.  I need to try this out.  It may or may not be the ticket but I won't know unless I try.

Namaste.

Fear and Loathing in Baton Rouge

"Every time you substitute kindness for criticism you improve your relationship with yourself.
When you feel depressed, abandoned, anxious, or worthless that’s a big clue you are telling yourself something harsh and untrue. Challenge your beliefs vociferously in the context of unconditional self love and watch your life improve"
~♥ Nicole S. Urdang

Unconditional self-love.  I believe for the first forty years of my life, I practiced unconditional self-loathing.

I didn't even realize what I was doing.

Looking back, I lived in fear and talked to myself ALL THE TIME about how I didn't measure up to others, how I couldn't do whatever was placed before me.  So many, many moments of my life were spent worrying about the next ones (and not being present).

It is no way to live.

I wouldn't speak up.  It didn't matter the situation, or to whom I was speaking.   I would never lead ANYTHING.  It made me nervous just to participate.   There was no way I could lead, even though I could see better ways to do certain things, I would never voice the thoughts in my head.  When I had to call someone on the phone or address someone about something relatively important, it was a capital H,  Huge deal.  I would agonize over it for hours or days and procrastinate.  My husband commented to me how I freeze in my tracks and just don't move.

It seems every interaction I had with others, I felt like I would be found out.  I wasn't who I appeared to be.  I had made good grades, I was cute and had pretty hair.  I was a cheerleader for gosh sakes.  (That's another entire issue there)  I lived by all of the externals - anything that was on the outside: from what groups I associated with, to the name brands I wore, to how I looked.

It is makes me sad to think how little I thought of myself.

How do you come out of that, especially if you don't even have the awareness that it's going on?

For me it was therapy.  And like most people, usually something has to hit a breaking point for anyone to head to therapy, rehab, treatment.  I wanted to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off.  I knew there was something much deeper to my relationship with food.  And that is where my journey to shift from fear to love began.  I didn't even know that's what I was doing.    What I found out was why I couldn't love myself, and the stories I told myself in my head.  I began the process of becoming who I AUTHENTICALLY am.

And the bizarre thing to me, was that my spiritual journey was one and the same as my therapy.  I unintentionally ended up at church in studies that matched exactly what I was learning on the "outside" and I didn't know those studies existed inside the church.  But it is all one and the same.

You know "God is love." {smile} {wink}

At the core of spirituality and therapy is love.  It had been lost for me for a really long time but it's coming back!  Now, when I judge myself or another person, I stop, and think, Hmmm,  oh yeah, that's fear talking.  And these days, the thoughts just flow right out again.  In the beginning of practicing mindfulness, it might take a few days when someone or something really got in my craw.  But lately, it's down to a few hours and for small issues, it takes minutes or seconds.  

It's been a slow journey and at times painful but one that I am gloriously happy to be on.

White Knuckling Plane Flights and Life

I still haven't gotten over airline flights: the magic, the mystery, the fear.  Yesterday morning we were in San Diego, two time zones away.  This morning, I wake up in heat and humidity and the Central Time Zone of home.  Before we lifted off, Mallory asked me, "How does the plane fly?"  I said she needed to ask Daddy denying my feminist self.   I have no idea how the plane works, and I ain't got time for that,  I just need to take a half of Zanax, put my head down and roll with it.  It has taken me several years to understand that's just what I need to do to fly. Well, truthfully I figured it out once again five minutes before she asked.

Before her inquiry, I thought, I'm not having any claustrophobia at all.  A moment later, the flight attendant announced she had good news and bad news.  As I looked up for the first time to the front of the plane, my stomach curled both with the visual of the rows and people ahead of me and the thought that there was bad news.  (All I could comprehend now was the nightmare of being stuck on a plane for 9 hours on the runway.)  I immediately got out my pill bottle and took the half that was left from the previous flight seven days ago.   Mallory was telling me that she really didn't like flying.  I thought, one of us needs to be medicated and I don't know what her dosage would be.

So I held her hand and Riley's hand who hates takeoff and away we went.

Even after flying for the last twenty odd years, it is still simply amazing to me.  To be in one place one thousand seven hundred miles away and then bam, three and a half hours later, I am across the country.

Wow.

I use to try to white knuckle my way through flights.  I thought there was something wrong with me that I needed to take medicine.  I have claustrophobia and I don't like being in enclosed spaces.  I had several bad experiences on planes which I now know where panic attacks.   And then a few years ago after trial and error,  I discovered there was medicine to help.  I found a primary care doctor who I felt comfortable with and have had the same bottle of anti-anxiety pills since 2011. I don't fly that often.

I also use to have a hard time having fun.  For some reason, I didn't think I deserved it.  I didn't put myself out there.  I didn't make plans.   I scratch my head now and think, why did I think that?  (I wasn't worthy….)

It doesn't matter any more.  I have learned to have fun.  Not just in flying to California but in the little everyday things.  Each day, I can make myself miserable or change my thought patterns, and accept things the way they are or change them.   Once I made the choice of conscious living, everything changed bit by bit, I was no longer the victim.  I now have my sense of humor back and the sense of doom has departed. I do forget every now and then though, and I need a wake up call.

San Diego was fun.  Los Angeles was even more of a blast for me.  Food poisoning was not.  But it happened and I recovered and moved on.  The beaches were utterly spectacular.  They transformed me instantaneously to a relaxed space the moment we stepped out of the car.  Getting away and exploring new places is a wonderful adventure. It has taken me years to know that traveling is my right and privilege and I'm so grateful that I can do it.  And… it doesn't have to look perfect.

And I'm so grateful to know that every day is an opportunity for white knuckling fear or for love.  Most every day I choose love now.

Namaste.

My First Red Carpet…

Recently, a good friend and I attended a Red Carpet Gala for a fabulously intimate downtown theatre.  What was the reason to make my introverted self buy a new outfit and get dressed up on a weeknight and drive downtown by myself?

Rick Springfield!

The last few years, I have been stepping out and doing all sorts of things I would normally not do.  I lived in fear. Before, I wouldn't have left the kids, I wouldn't have wanted to find a dress and deal with body image issues. I wouldn't have driven downtown. I would have worried about parking.  I would have worried if I was "good enough" to be there because I thought everyone else was "better" than me. All of those ideas are non-issues now, but they held me captive.  Those were the stories I told myself.



And this is what my soul journey is all about!  Letting go of what has held me captive.


Our night started out good, took an immediate downturn and then perked up, and ended spectacularly.  Before we even arrived to the venue, walking from the parking garage, I dropped my friend's phone and cracked the screen.  Not a good start.

I knew in that moment, I had to let it go because I wanted to enjoy the evening.  It was an accident.  After the shock, she had to let it go as well, it was her phone!  I offered to help pay for it, and she said she needed a glass of wine so off we went.  We started chatting with acquaintances.  It was still in the back of my mind but I pushed it back enough to let go and have a good time.  I had a small shame spiral the next day but it flowed through.

I knew a lot of people there and we enjoyed our pre-concert time.  There was a booth to take pictures with Rick cut outs and it was a raffle with the prize meeting Rick after the concert.








Guess who won?

In preparation for the concert, I dug out my one Rick Springfield Greatest Hits CD and checked out his autobiography called, "Late, Late At Night" and began reading and listening. His story was compelling.  I watched present day interviews when he became tearful talking about his life-long depression, suicide attempt and use of meditation, writing and the love of his family to survive.  This is my kind of rock star.  Tortured, vulnerable, talented and truthful.

I hadn't listened to any of his recent music since the 80's but started finding it on the web and was fascinated.  All day before the concert, I did my research.  I have to prepare before I go and refamiliarize myself with Rick and his current endeavors, including his newly releasing fiction book.
Up until yesterday, I still had two chapters left to read in his memoir and I put off finishing them.  I didn't want to say goodbye to Rick.  It was such a fun night of great music, dancing, and a thrilling chance to meet him.

I have now finished the book.  I have now written the blog.  And I can always reminisce about this great memory.  It will always be a great memory and the possibilities of what can happen when you step out of your comfort zone:  the good, the bad and the spectacular!

Love is the Absence of Judgment - The Dalai Lama (and letting go of what I think about my weight)

At this point in time, I have the most self acceptance that I've ever had in my life.  I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have.   (And that skin now has a lot of scars.)   I know that I can take up space and not apologize for it.   People pleasing is falling by the wayside.  I have begun having a voice.  I actually know what a boundary is and I use them and feel not as much guilt.  My spiritual core is blossoming and I feel closer to a loving higher power than ever before.  I see how the universe responds to my openness and love, as opposed to the fear and anxiety that I constantly lived in before.

And yet I'm the heaviest I've been except for pregnancies.  My inner judge (which I'm trying to annihilate) thinks if I'm doing all this inner work my outside body should show it.

Sigh.

I guess then it is time for Extreme self acceptance.  And how does that work?

I had a moment where I remarkably realized that I weigh probably ten more pounds than what I did when I showed up for therapy five years ago to lose weight(!).  I can't even fathom how much time I have spent belittling, judging and smacking myself down over twenty pounds?  (I don't know what my natural weight is which is the goal of intuitive eating.)

I'm tired of doing this to myself.  I'm so very tired of this.

The last two days, I have been more aware of my body image and it was of a negative fashion.  I have learned that this negativity will ebb and flow.  I no longer think of going on a diet when this occurs.  I can usually stop the negative thought progression but when I'm in a deeper funk, I just have to sit with it and let it pass.

I do remind myself that I am not my weight.  And tell myself that my self acceptance does not rely on my body size. And I breathe.  I practice deep breathing because that is the only thing I can think to do in the moment when the thoughts and feelings are spiraling.

And breathing is our connection to God.

And there really is no reasoning with these thoughts.

And we can change those thoughts.

Again, I have to say that THERE IS NO REASONING WITH THESE THOUGHTS and I now know they will pass.  I have found that I have been experiencing more feelings of all kinds lately.  I experience a range from deep joy to pain and despair.  I know that I shut down and blocked my feelings after the experiences of infertility and the deep pain of postpartum depression.  After that is when I really started to eat my feelings.  My compulsion truly kicked in.  And now I have learned so much of my core story and what I tell myself.  And what I never wanted to look at.  But I'm looking at it now truthfully, honestly and painfully.

At the core, I felt abandoned and alone.  That was heightened immeasurably when I felt so alone taking care of a newborn and not knowing how to do it and the incessant crying (the baby and me!!)  and every thought I had was an anxious one.

And that core of aloneness, also lead to my core belief that I'm not good enough.

But now, I do not feel that way anymore.  It's still there but not to the same degree.  Yes, at the core, we are all alone.  I have learned that my higher power is so much more loving than I ever could fathom.  And I feel more comfortable saying higher power than Jesus or God, because the old God came with so much judgement and self-recrimination that I have to use different language now.

I still try to reason with the thoughts and this is going to take time to let go of.  It's all about acceptance as is.  Acceptance of the moment.  Acceptance of life as is.  Acceptance of those around me.

I came across this picture and statement and it says everything that I need to know about my weight.   I am learning to love myself, as is, and as that is occurring, I judge myself less and less.

Thank you George Takai and I've Never Ever Watched Star Trek.

George Takai shared this picture on Facebook today.

Isn't it great!

As I've been on this journey to "transform my experience of the world" - (thank you Oprah), and have slowly and intentionally worked to heal my woundedness, I see how much fear I lived in.  As it has decreased, I have had small ahas, "I use to be scared to do this, not so much anymore"  Hmm, that's change.  Each little small increment, keeps me moving forward...and rising.

There are always more issues to face.  I have volunteered to run a Girl Scout Troop for Riley's age.  I have never decided to be in charge of anything...  but I am stepping out of my comfort zone because I can tell how much she would like to do this and it's a good program.  And it would be facing my fears.
So onward and upward.

Thank You, Thank You Very Much!

Got back from our 9 day driving vacation late last night.  At the last minute we decided to haul it all the way back from Atlanta leaving there at 1pm EST and arriving in Baton Rouge at 11:30pm CST.  I'm too tired to figure out if it was actually ten and a half or eleven and a half hours of driving with the zone change.  It was long but it did not feel as long as some road trips in the past.

I am very thankful to the practice of mindfulness for this.  Each time something negative occurred and negative thoughts popped in my head, I asked a question.  "Can I live with this?"  And the answer has been yes lately.

Our trek involved driving to Dallas for a concert and spending three nights there then moving on to Memphis for a two night stopover and Elvis immersion and then on to Atlanta to see our new nephew and his parents for three nights.  During the time in Dallas, I became sick with a sore throat and mild body ache which by Memphis had moved into nasal congestion and drip.  This would have devastated me in the past.  I would have worried constantly about the fact that I was sick and made myself even more miserable.  This time, I announced the need for a drug store trip, purchased medicine and I took it round the clock to keep the symptoms at bay.  The only distress that popped up was whether I would be able to hold the new nephew with my germs.

This is a slight and subtle change but I noticed it.  The absence of worry and constant fear is phenomenal.  This is a higher quality of life.  Now that I have experienced it, I never want to go back.

Enjoying the present moment is the bee's knees. : )

After the cold got better, bam, my period kicked in.  And this was even while I was doggedly applying progesterone cream to prevent said period from occurring during the trip.  My body had other ideas.  My first thought was, "Are you kidding me?" It was beginning to feel like a plague.  The next thought was hmmm, be miserable or get on with it?  And another trip to the drugstore and as Elvis would say, I was "taking care of business"

We made it to Atlanta.  My symptoms receded and I began to feel much better.  I no longer needed round the clock medicine.  I obsessively washed my hands and slathered on anti-bacterial gel and on the second day, I decided it should be okay to hold the newest member of our family for a brief time.

I became very verklempt.  I sat down in the big chair, and no one really noticed though.  This was the moment I had been waiting for.

I knew Ga Ga was with us.

I am thankful for Teresa Caputo aka "The Long Island Medium" because as she described one show, if you feel the deceased's presence, then they are with you.  I felt it.  I didn't share this because I don't know how the others would feel but it didn't matter, I felt it and that was enough.


And again, as Elvis would say, "Thank you, thank you very much!"

Thank you mindfulness.

This is Something Big...

I feel disjointed.  It's Christmas and that always brings something up.  It is our first Christmas without GaGa.  Grief comes up in small waves here and there.  I miss the healthy grandmother who was so active in our lives and she particularly loved Christmas.  She may not have remembered birthdays but she was all about Christmas with decorations, presents and baking.

My little family of four had decided to shake things up by heading way out of town ON Christmas morning because we want to.  In my mind's framework that I had growing up, this is completely off the rails.  And it is exactly what I need to do.

Yet it is uncomfortable.


I have moments of complete excitement and then I have phases of anxiety and paralysis.  In telling my friends about our plans, most comment with bright energy "Oh, how exciting, you are going to have such a fun time."  At times, their excitement is more palpable than mine and I use theirs to help me along.

There has been a dictate in my mind that says I am supposed to be with my family of origin at holidays, and somehow the family I originated had taken a back seat.  In the last years, I have broken with this dictate and each year it has gotten easier to go against the flow.  My family has taken precedence.  That is why this trip is particularly important.

I can also tell it is important because issues of anxiety are creeping in with claustrophobia related to flying, riding in elevators, being in enclosed spaces with lots of people.  I truly know I will be okay, but the thoughts still pop up and I have to work through them and bring the Xanax.  Even having my own prescription of Xanax AND knowing I can take it - has been many hurdles to overcome.

There are so many layers to what is going on right now.  I truly had no sense of self.  Now that I am gaining my sense of self, who I am, what I want, my likes and dislikes and accepting myself wholeheartedly,   I see how very little sense of self I had.  "You don't know you are there, until you are there"

This poem posted by one of my dear FB friends says it all:


'LEAVING THE NEST 

All too frequently we relate like timid birds who don’t dare to leave the nest. Here we sit in a nest that’s getting pretty smelly and that hasn’t served its function for a very long time. No one is arriving to feed us. No one is protecting us and keeping us warm. And yet we keep hoping mother bird will arrive.

We could do ourselves the ultimate favor and finally get out of that nest. That this takes courage is obvious. That we could use some helpful hints is also clear. We may doubt that we’re up to being a warrior-in-training. But we can ask ourselves this question: “Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?” '

from Pema Chodron

Panic in the Yoga Room

(I am making up for lost time on Blogger.  I have missed writing a couple of weeks and it is so nice to know that the lessons are still with me and notes on my iPhone to help remember though.  I am trying to hit 70 blogs or more to match with the previous years.  If I continue to stay conscious, I think I am going to do it...)

Today was BIG for me and it is only 10am.

* I tried a new yoga class at a different Y. I didn't know anything about the teacher.

*I wore form fitting clothing out of necessity after having my shirt fall in my face during certain poses.

*I didn't put my mat at the back of the class.

*I practiced looking at myself in the mirror even with my squishy parts and remembered that my body is allowing me to move through these poses as I mentioned in the "Yoga in the Mirror" post.

At the end of the class during my FAVORITE part, shavasana,  I realized in a panic that the instructor had turned all the lights off and it was pitch black in the room.  There was a massive rain storm coming through during the class.  I had to struggle to hear the instructor through the class even though I was closest to him because the rain was so loud.  My thoughts began to be distressed. I wanted to bolt.  I don't like the dark.  I could feel my anxiety reaction, the one that occurs in my arms physically manifesting my fear.

And then I remembered what my therapist and I had discussed about anxiety last week.

Anxiety = not being in the present moment. 

This was so illuminating for me.  I think I have had such low grade anxiety for years because of all the time I spent worrying about what I could, couldn't do, obsessing over so much.
As I layed there in the most relaxing time of yoga, panicked, I focused on my thoughts.  I kept my eyes open and spotted the red exit sign and some small red lights of the stereo.  I did this until I relaxed a bit and I kept thinking things to keep me in the present...  I don't even really remember what it was but it worked.

I didn't relax to the extent that I normally do but I also didn't bolt.  (See I'm judging myself)  In the midst of my panic, I did think this is practice for my upcoming plane flights and elevator rides in NYC!  Those upcoming events  that could bring out my claustrophobia are what prompted me to bring it up with my therapist in the first place.

I never had put together that anxiety could flow through just like the other emotions that I have practiced allowing through.  This claustrophobic anxiety feels so physical and different from avoiding sadness or anger because the very specific triggers seem different.  I did not put it in the same category.  I do think that sometimes I will need the assistance of medication, for flights or somewhere else that my claustrophobia is too much and that is O-Kay.  It is nurturing myself through a situation beyond my control.  I don't have to white knuckle it and be miserable AND I don't want to keep myself from flying to new adventures.

Namaste.

Namaste with Cat Barging In the self portrait....

Mallory's Father's Day Card Comes Alive

To the right is George's Father's Day card from Mallory that she picked out.  By that afternoon, we had adopted a beagle just like the picture.  I am going to really pay attention to the cards Mallory, the six year old sage, picks out in the future.

So we have a dog.  Holy cow, how did that happen?  It's been almost 2 weeks.  These are the things I have learned:

*Annie made no noise on her first day with us, until we were drifting off to sleep at 10:30pm.  George got up and took her for a walk and massive anxiety crept in for the terrible mistake that I let happen.
*Annie likes to pee on the carpet but she has at least sprinkled on the old carpet that I want to change and not my new rugs.
*Vinegar and baking soda have a lot of uses!
*Annie likes to bolt out the front door.
*I can outrun an overweight beagle.
*She likes me, the non dog person, more than she likes anyone in the family.
*She is scared of George and I think (hope) she will eventually warm to him.
*The cats are territorial and there are clashes daily especially with Princess the Persnickety.

*George thinks when the dog barks in the middle of the night, you should take it for a walk. Day 3 at midnight, I was woken to look for Annie who ran off when the garage door scared her after George took her for a walk.
*At this point at midnight, I was okay with losing her and did not want anyone to find her and bring her back to us.
*Things look better in the morning.
*Dogs snore.
*I did not think I would be getting excited about pee and poop in the proper places at this stage of my life.
*Walking a dog, for some reason, is very relaxing.
*It is quite peaceful when all the animals crowd around me and are in harmony and asleep.
*The kids are quite excited to have Annie around. Riley loves to walk her and Mallory likes to cuddle.  *Annie likes to sleep near Mallory.
*Getting a dog is a learning curve and it is growing on me.
*The jury is still out on whether I will become a dog person or not but the point is I opened myself up to a new experience which I am hesitant to do.

I have had glimpses of when timid Annie gets excited and is so happy to see me.  She runs, she jumps and puts her paws on me or just looks at me with adoring eyes and I think, oh, this is what it is all about having a dog.

Unconditional love.

The Snake Slithers By

I had been immensely enjoying our backyard.  We had put up our summer pool, and the kids were really enjoying it.  We planted flowers.  I would sit and appreciate the spring time and feel God's closeness in our little square footage of nature in suburbia.  I watched the grass turn green, listened to the birds, spotted a slug making its way across the concrete, it was wonderful.

And then comes the snake.

Uggghh.  My husband excitedly beckoned me to come see something and the girls were going bonkers.  I thought what is this?  And IT was on our back porch.  I watched it slither, and what a good word that is.  It is so creepy to observe.  So quiet, so stealth and it turned my stomach immensely.  I had never seen a snake in the vicinity of where I lived.  As I shared my snake story, I heard multiple stories from friends who had one in their bedrooms, living rooms and backyards.  This may be the first but it will not be the last time I spot a snake.

It occurred to me, this is life.  You begin to think you are coasting along and whammy, life throws a wrench.  The girls have not wanted to go outside since then, more than a month ago.  I didn't want to go either and yet as I talked to one of my neighbors, it dawned on me how I handle this is how the girls will.  My neighbor would have preferred us to catch and release in her yard than kill it which is what I ordered George to do.  She said her dad sat her down and explained all about snakes and may have even handled them.  So we had a talk about how to handle it- our style.  Basically with my girls when we see another snake, I know it will end up being scream and run.

Another friend said, "the only good snake is a dead snake."  I am caught in between.  I know snakes have a purpose but I don't know which are poisonous and which are harmless.  I just know they are all creepy.  We have been slow to go to the backyard.  When we first saw the snake, I was looking everywhere vigilantly and now I have slacked off.  I want it to wear off because I want to continue enjoying our yard.  I know there will be snakes and it is all in the way you look at it.

Buddha was right.  If I think it is bad, it will be.  If I think, I will be okay when I see another snake, I will be.  I have to put that in practice and repeat that to myself over and over.  Snakes and wrenches are a part of life, it will be okay.

Subtle Aha moments...

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.” Marianne Williamson

Well, that's my post, it says it all. I really shouldn't say more because it covers love, fear, spiritual journey, acceptance, consciousness, things and the meaning of life. Done! Enough said.

Okay, I will ruin it, here goes. Facebook has it's downfalls but I still like it for the most part. I have friends who post some really interesting material and I love that without effort I come across it and it completely resonates with me. This quote from Marianne Williamson says exactly what I have come to learn in my journey. I revel when I find something that describes a particular truth of life that I have learned but in the most succinct and eloquent words. And I also think, someone else understands this!!

I had so much fear and self doubt about myself growing up. I wasn't good enough, I wasn't as good as everybody else. Even though I was popular in high school, and I joined a sorority, I still felt inferior. A sorority is just like wearing this brand of clothes, or driving this car or being a member of this club or having to say you are at this restaurant- it can be all to make you feel good through something "else" if that is what you need. There were times that I knew I was smart, attractive and capable but for the most part, fear plagued me. I worried about everything. I did not accept myself as I am and for whom I am until the last couple of years. Do you know how much energy that is wasted on all of those repetitive thoughts? When you accept yourself for who you are, it is amazing how those fears just fall to the wayside. I do things that I constantly worried about before and now don't think twice about. It is all how your mind is trained and as you unravel those tracks, there is God and his unending, unceasing love, just waiting for you to get to these truths. I imagine him/her chuckling as we finally get it.

I want to try as best as possible for my girls to not feel so much fear or at least to make their journey not as difficult as mine. And the fact that I understand this will make that so. Love is not just love. It is a very complex emotion and state of being. Figuring out this parenting stuff and how to love is not easy. Your parents give you their way and you have to figure out those tracks that were laid and what works for you and what doesn't. I have discovered some major things that needed changing for me and have been blazing a new trail. It is not easy but it is the path that I NEED to be on. And of course, not every one likes this and there is resistance. The resistance makes me realize that I really am on the right pathway from all that I have learned. And the subtle aha moments just keep coming. I know I am on the right track when they keep coming.