The Beta Fish Took Three Days to Die

My eldest daughter has adopted four successive beta fish in the last years when she was at college. They kept her company and she enjoyed seeing them as she worked at her desk.   (I remember that I started with gold fish my freshman year in college and worked up to a cat by graduate school.)  This last fish who resided on our kitchen counter did me in emotionally as Riley has been home since her graduation.  Towards the weekend,  he stopped eating and laid on the bottom and seemed to be actively dying. Even now my stomach tenses. 

Every death, even of a beta fish, is a microcosm of other grief and death. 

She named them after royalty of course - starting with Louis I.   We realized during Louis III, that traveling from Birmingham to Baton Rouge for school breaks in a venti Starbucks cup might not be good on their system so we made changes.  Due to my husband's efforts, one of them ended up with a heater for their tank and we stopped turning the light on because the tank turned green due to too much light.  We joked about the now grand summer house here in BR. 

Beautiful little blue Louis started looking peaked several days ago. And then he stopped swimming and lay on the bottom. One day rolled into two and he just kept breathing.  The other betas expired more quickly from what I remember and/or they were in Birmingham.  And a few short years ago I had my own Beta that lived for several years. 

The doctor, my husband, announced he was deceased on the first day.  But when I looked I still saw movement.  He didn't actually pass until three days later.  Doctors!

For three days, I had to stop and stare for a good amount of time and see that his little gills were still moving. Louis IV wasn't giving up without a fight. At several points in time, Riley and I talked to him and told him it was okay, he could let go. 

I then had a divine idea, and I pulled out the remains of our other pets.  Pookie (OG cat),  Princess and Morgan (sister cats) and Annie (our first dog)  I surrounded the aquarium with their little wooden boxes.  As Riley pointed out, these were his aunts and uncles.  I wanted Louis IV to know our past beloveds were welcoming him into the great unknown.

I don't know if it brought Louis IV comfort, but it really brought me comfort to surround him. Daughter #2 thought it was a little off,  I thought it was a beautiful gesture.  There was also talk of a Viking burial at sea...

Every time I checked on him, I had these small waves of grief.  They didn't last long but they brought tears to my eyes. I haven't been crying lately at all after a long period of lots of grief. As I said, all present grief brings up past grief.  Most of my grief is around abandonment. I didn't want to abandon Louis.  That is why surrounding him with our previous loved ones brought me such peace. I couldn't stay with him as his breathing slowed. I thought it was brutiful.  He was a tiny little living thing but he was alive. 

One really had to stare and not blink for a while because the movement was so faint as time went on but he was still alive. He moved twice during this time.  The last time, he was partially inside his castle which we thought was a sign, and on the third night, his gills finally stopped moving. 

It was time, he had passed. 

We waited until the next morning to say goodbye.  Riley caught him in a net and the four of us gathered around her bathroom toilet and she plopped him in. The three others said a quick word and then I started my message.  The really neat thing these last years, is learning how to express myself.  Ha ha.  Riley wasn't up for it (!)  and flushed the toilet before I finished.  

Oh well. 

The deed was done.  But I know Louis knew I cared for him and I wished peace on his little soul.  He knew. 

Namaste.