Facebook Conversations Getting Hijacked

I wrote a Facebook post a while ago about the fact that I don't recognize the Republican party who is taking away healthcare and food from the poor so that billionaires can have more money and to gather up more brown people and put in concentration camps for profit. A commenter from my hometown stated that there were no votes to cut healthcare or feed the poor.  This is completely untrue and they pivoted away from that truth and went to abortion again and again.  A couple of my friends who disagreed with him joined in and off it went for several hours. 

It took me time to see that the responder changed the subject, because he had to validate his vote for Trump.  He stated he can't vote for a party that supports abortion because he is pro-life.   His dogged determination to support fetus cells outweighs everything that can happen to humans outside the womb.  It outweighs every criminal and immoral act of Trump and that was enlightening.  He changed the subject when his points were no longer valid. 

And we let him change the subject.  

This is me reflecting that I have to learn to voice myself in the moment, but I need practice. And I needed to recognize what was happening.   I freeze during confrontation, and that is why I take the time to write.  I need to stay on the subject.  Writing helps me get my bearings, stay open and even keeled. 

The Facebook encounter was enlightening because there was one issue that this person was basing his vote on.  For years, myself and many many others can't wrap our heads around the continued support of Trump.  The Republican party has been hijacked and they have let it happen but the reality is this is who the party is. This is who the party is. There were many times Congress could have stood up and taken power away from this horrendous individual, but they caved to the despot over and over and over again.  It was heartening though that this person on FB doesn't agree with everything that Trump is doing.  A small amount of heartening but I took it.  

Even now, I just got diverted from the topic I intended but it is worth sharing. I just looked up the Moral Majority because of the abortion discussion. Did you know that prior to the Moral Majority movement in the 70's and 80's that the Southern Baptist Convention was in favor of opening up access to abortion in many cases throughout the 70's and after Roe v. Wade?  Look it up!  Abortion is a very complicated moral matter and many religious leaders reflected that in their stance on the issue at the time.  Even James Dobson, in 1973 said the Bible was silent on abortion and that an evangelical could believe that “a developing embryo or fetus was not regarded as a full human being.” The Moral Majority movement used abortion to be the issue to get people to vote Republican because the real issue at hand wasn't as popular to voters.  The motive behind the anti-abortion movement was so that whites-only segregationist academies, many church sponsored (Bob Jones University & Jerry Falwell's included) could keep their IRS tax-exempt status. So racism was the underlying reason.  This is why the Trump party wants to ban books about race.  These are the types of things one learns when they read history.

Now back to what I should have said in the post. 

 I don't vote for a party who supports the person who tried to overthrow our government to stop the formal process of certifying a free and fair election by planning and starting a riot.   I don't vote for the party that lets that insurrection play out for hours without calling in reinforcements and lets police die. I don't vote for the party who asks Georgia's top election official to "find 11,780 votes" and then terrorizes the election workers and lies about an election being stolen. I don't vote for the party who supports the person who grabs women by the pussy, and is convicted of sexual assault.  I don't vote for the party of the person who willfully retains national defense information in their bathroom, which falls under the Espionage Act. I don't vote for the party of the person who lied over 30,000 times his first administration.  (We knew he was lying about Project 2025 too.)  I don't vote for the party who supports the convicted felon due to breaking campaign finance laws.  I don't vote for a party who supports the person who steals from charities and lies on their taxes.  I don't vote for the party of the person who runs a fraudulent university and has a 25 million guilty verdict.   I don't vote for party of the person (& his family) who profits off the office immeasurably.  I don't vote for a party of the person who golfs every weekend and we pay millions to his businesses.  I don't vote for the party who supports the person who brags about watching underage teenage beauty contestants change clothes because the owns the pageant. 

This list can go on and on.  That was my highlight real. 

I don't want to fight on Facebook, it does no good and my nervous system then interferes with my sleep.  But as our country is in the throws of fascism I have to say something. 

For those who can't see it:

 Key characteristics of fascism:

Authoritarianism: Fascism concentrates power in a single leader or party, suppressing dissent and individual freedoms.  (Republican Congress persons have to bow to Trump's every whim or he goes against them and they lose their job)  

Ultranationalism: Fascism promotes an intense form of nationalism, often emphasizing racial or cultural purity and superiority.  (wrapping themselves in flags,  he vilifies all non-white immigrants and people, those "shithole countries" cancelling DEI) 

Militarism: Fascist regimes often glorify military power and conquest, using it to enforce their ideology and expand their influence.  (military parade, use of unidentified ICE agents to round up brown individuals, describes military who get caught or come back wounded as losers) 

Suppression of Opposition: Fascism actively suppresses or eliminates political rivals, critics, and minority groups. (attacks on Obama, Clinton, Biden now trying to use HIS justice system to do so) 

State Control: Fascism seeks to control various aspects of society, including the economy, media, and education, to promote its goals. (Starts tariff wars because he can, suing media networks, excluding history of non-whites and slavery from classroom education, book bans. 

Rejection of Liberalism and Democracy: Fascism opposes the principles of individual rights, freedom of speech, and democratic governance.  (Wants to break up peaceful protests by force which are a first amendment right) 

The facisim is playing out every day and getting stronger. 

Another reason why I couldn't vote for the Trump party. One huge mode of operation of his is narcissism.  He continuously hates on anyone who disagrees with him.  He is so emotionally fragile he cannot handle having opposition.  He hates Democrats or anyone who disagrees with him and wants them in jail and expresses that often.  This bully tactic enthralls certain sects of his supporters and worsens the divide in the country.   He has never once tried to be my President.  His message is divisive, bullying and childish.  Every President before him has tried to unify the country even around huge disagreement.  All of them wanted to be the president for the whole country even though they disagree on policy.  

His authoritarianism, crimes, racism, narcissism, moral deprivation, character flaws and policies are why I could not vote for him or his party. 

Even though I don't like conflict, the Facebook conversation was illuminating. The Facebook commenter is not a terrible person at all.  We wholeheartedly disagree on basic fundamental issues yet I was able to get a glimpse of understanding the "why" of Trump votes.  A small glimpse and that is enough for now. 

Namaste. 

The divine in me bows to the divine in you. 

Turning Fifty, Donna Summer, & Unused Creativity

Yesterday afternoon, I was mundanely picking up my lovely child from volleyball practice. Prior to the drive, I had been busy planning an event that I'm in charge of for the first time and my mind has been filled with details, emails and a little anxiety.  On the way home, I tuned to the 70's station of Sirius Radio.  The first few bars of a song played and I quickly grabbed the volume knob and turned it up as loud as I thought Mallory could take it.

And then I turned it up a little more.

My energy level shot up.  I began bracing to happily belt out words to a long ago familiar song.



~Stringed instruments~

"Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again....AGAIN

~Insert wicked laugh and groovy dancing music....

I have no idea what the lyrics mean but I bellowed out the ones that I remembered. And I laughed while doing so because what does that cake represent.  I haven't known for thirty years.  But my spirit lifted.  My mood shifted.

I LOVE MUSIC.

I love how unbelievably fast that music can change my energy and lift my soul up.

While I walked the dogs this morning, I began a You Tube play list of groovy dancing music from my era of the late 70's and 80's.  Why have I never pulled together all of the music that makes me so happy?  I became lost in it and will pay the price by going to the later, more advanced yoga class.  Oh well, my intuition has told me I needed to step up anyway.

Music, the arts, writing and more falls under being creative. Creativity comes from a higher power.  Unused creativity is not benign.  I remember when I heard that in a podcast with Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert.  That WOKE me.  What Brene learned from the research was that when you do not use what you have been given, it can eat you up inside and make you sick with resentment, grief, and heartbreak.  Ohhhhh.   That gift of God must be used.  I need to write.  I need to dance.  I need to turn up the volume on what pleases my soul.  And we are all creative people, it's not just the arts.  It can encompass using your brain to think out of the box.  What holds me back?  Time and worrying about what other people think. But when I make the time and let go and use it...

It makes me a more LOVING and JOYFUL person (which is why God planned it that way)

I do need to stop worrying about what others opinions are of me.  I am turning fifty this year.  It is a decent number milestone.  It is making an impression on me because my birthday isn't until August and it's been on my mind!!  At this point in my life, I have to get on the horse or not ride at all and be sick with heartbreak and grief.  I can feel it.   It is also the tenth year of writing this blog. How did that happen?  I have been finding myself and my soul, slowly, through this writing and other means.  Once again, the point about finding my authenticity is that it is divinely given.  As I peel back the layers of stories I tell yourself, of who I  think I'm supposed to be, and find out what makes my soul sing, I find the Creator.

The very essence of the beginning of life and LOVE.

So I will try a little harder to fit Donna Summer and 80's music in but also find time for quiet which is where my writing naturally evolves.

Namaste.

It's a great podcast!! Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert: Season 1, Episode 12: Brene Brown on "Big Strong Magic"

Taking People Off Pedestals

For all of four days, I have been wearing mono vision contact lenses for the first time ever.  I have lost 3 pairs of prescription glasses since 2014.  Something had to give because they are expensive so I'm trying out contacts in a trial period.  It's a new world and my brain is adjusting to seeing up close with my left eye and distance from the right.  I have had a few headaches and my vision is slightly blurry but I know that this could be a really good thing.

I am very squeamish when it comes to eye issues.  But I am plowing ahead and perfecting how to hold the eye open without fail and look directly at my finger while I poke myself in the eye.  And that's the only way it seems to work, is going directly in.

With Sunglasses

Which also means I can't use my regular sunglasses that have readers in them.  I have been trying to use old pairs of George's, the girls, and now a new pair from Target.  Each pair exposes my world in a slightly different hue.  And it seems at this place in time, our South Louisiana trees are changing colors as they very subtlety do. And I have noticed that the red color is much brighter wearing particular pairs of sunglasses.  They are magnificent and bright and flawless.  Even just a touch of yellow to a green tree, can brighten it and make it seem golden.  I love to see a bright red tree.

But what is real?

Just likes these trees, I have had to adjust my vision to see myself, people around me and institutions.  Over the last years, I have had to learn to take people off of pedestals that I placed them on.  They didn't ask to be put on them, they just were.  (In some instances, they might like it though)  Some of these people or institutions had a power over me, which I then had to examine.  I expected perfection from them and from myself. And I was trapped waiting for something that would never happen.  

Without Sunglasses

I had to take the sunglasses off, and see the person or thing for who they are.  I had to look at myself and accept me for who I am, warts and all (and good things I couldn't see.)  I have to hold my eye open and look directly while I poke myself in the eye.  It is uncomfortable and unnerving as I dismantled old belief systems.  When I lost these old systems, I felt rudderless, angry, and discombobulated at times,  but there is such beauty and freedom in acceptance and authenticity.   The divine is there in authenticity or at least that is what I have found, but also what I have read from so many different sources.  Running around trying to be perfect is draining and disappointing and kept me in place not moving forward.  Waiting for people to be whom I wanted them to be, was so disappointing. Accepting what is, allows me to try new things that might actually give me what I was looking for in the first place. The tree without sunglasses may not be as bright, and you see the leaves that have fallen but there is still magnificence.  And in this very moment, I'm just noticing, how bright the sky is, in the picture without sunglasses.  ( I did have to wait for the right lighting though)

Wow, I didn't even plan that. I always thought the sunglass picture was more beautiful because of the brilliant red.  But now with examination,  I see the contrast with the beautiful blue sky instead of dark grey.  The best colors are brought out in authenticity.  The divine is in the very heart of authenticity.  Your light shines the brightest in authenticity.

Namaste.

Life is Full of Curves

I have two daughters, three years apart.  They could be no different from one another.  Why do I think that they should be more alike?  For some reason I do. On a daily basis, it comes into my head, and I take note of the differences.   One helps me get out of the house on time, putting unbelievable pressure on me to do so, while the other has no concept of time.  I have to remind myself to get my behind in gear with daughter #2 because we will never leave the house if it is just us two.

One loves to do her hair and makeup and is into clothes and could shop and spend money for hours.  The other could care less and does not want to spend money.  One can easily start a conversation with a stranger, the other not so much.  One is always on time, knows exactly what is on the agenda and how things run.  The other rolls with it and flies by the seat of her pants a lot.

And the Big bad truth is that I need to let them be who they are.

No matter what!

This is a tall order.  But I am working really hard to do just that.  Over the last few months, I had to explore one important issue that could mean big changes for the whole family in order to let one child be who she is.

My oldest daughter has had a hard time fitting in at her current school.  Her personality is more quiet and shy and with different interests than most of her peers.  She has tried to fit in.  Middle school for girls can be cruel, period but, especially when you are not like the other.  It is all about fitting in, but what if you don't?   Throw in social media and it can be a nightmare.  The school that she has attended for the last ten years, happens to be on the smaller side.  There are only 18 girls in her grade with 32 boys rounding it out.  There is not much place to turn to find female companionship.

At the beginning of the school year, she was already burned out and begin to make comments about not wanting to go to school.  And she loves school.   For the last few years, I had asked if she wanted to look into other schools and that high school would be the best time to do so.  I never really thought she would say yes.

She said yes.

After many, many conversations, a lot of exploration, school visits, and months of waiting on admissions: we are starting high school at a brand new large girls' school in August.   There are around 275 girls per grade.  I'm ecstatic that she gets to explore new territory and find girls with similar interests.

My other daughter is happy as can be where she is.

So I will now be driving to two different schools and dividing my loyalties.

I never saw this coming.

I have grieved that one daughter will be leaving the only school we have known for ten years and the sisters won't be at the same school anymore.  I will absolutely move through it because I am a thousand percent positive this is our path for now.

Life is full of curves.
Namaste.

New Years Day 2017 - What Does It Mean?

It's a new year!  What does that mean?  What has changed? The ground is still saturated from the rains that lasted all day on New Year's Eve and yesterday. The sun is still not out today and more rain is falling.  So here we are.  A brand spanking new year.  What does it mean?

We rang in the new year quietly.  We had a delicious dinner visiting with George's sister and family from out of town and they headed back to their hotel several hours before midnight.

Riley watched Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve on her own.  Mallory really wanted to stay up so the rest of us watched "Miracles from Heaven" waiting for midnight.  In true fashion, I did fall asleep and make them watch the ending again.  But at 11:55pm, Riley joined us on the couch making our core four celebration and we rang in the New Year together in central standard time.   The ball had already dropped in New York but they dropped a Fleur de Lis live in New Orleans and by 12:02am, we were heading to bed.  Check please!

I'll have to say the first two days of the new year feels sort of empty because it is just the same as the last day of 2016.  It seems as though there is an expectation that is should be brand spanking new!    It is a new year, month, and day and opportunity for a new slate yet the dishes, Legos and laundry are still sitting there waiting.   I gave up resolutions years ago as those don't work.  But what I have learned is that intention is the way to go for me.

Intention has worked for me and I'm not really sure how or why I started I just knew things needed to change.  For one thing, there has to be a very passionate desire to change something.  Intention has been my steely focus on a daily basis on my thoughts (and healing!)  I was very resolute. I haven't been this resolute about anything before.   I didn't start out to be intentional, it just happened along the way... First, I had to become aware that I had negative thoughts that needing changing.  As I woke up to that voice in my head with the runny dialogue I discovered the the story I told myself was "I can't" all the freaking time.  Not a good thing.

After practice, practice, practice, when a negative thought popped in, I take note.  And slowly, I dismantle them.  I ask the critical question, "Is this true?"  Really true?   I used intentionality every day, to change this.  Therapy woke me up but that was just the beginning.  I self taught with many teachers that I listened to, watched videos and read.   Along with intentions, I learned I needed to be in the moment.  Persons like Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav, Michael Singer and Byron Katie.  Anyone who taught about mindfulness.  There's so much to this process of becoming awakened.  More later.

(Jesus' taught this too - the renewing of the mind but that blog will come later.)

This past year, I did not write nearly as much, only 20 blogs, compared to 50-60 in previous years.  I had profound thoughts that came into my mind, but they didn't come through me.    Politics anyone?    I have felt blocked and hindered.  I feel like something is passing me by.  It is not a good thing at all.   I have an intention this year to write and blog more.  I need to process my life this way.  I do not feel like I'm in the flow and may energy is sagging not tuning in to my authenticity.  The older I get, I need to listen to my intuition and do what I know works for me.  Shutting out the assault of politics to my senses is going to be one way to help me stay intentional.   Sitting down for my Spiritual Formation homework is another.  It centers me fairly quickly.  

For me, this new year means zeroing in on intention again.   The intention of listening to my intuition and the God nudges that come in my thoughts.  And putting those down even if they are not perfectly stated.  Now that I have spent quite some time clearing some of the negative ones, the light is coming in.  Alright, 2017 here we go!

Namaste.

1.2 Miles Away (My 225 Experience)

As you well know, Alton Sterling was shot and killed by a police officer at the Triple S Food Mart on North Foster in my home city.   I watched the video a few times to see if I could decipher what occurred. Then the next day,  I watched the video of Philando Castile's girlfriend and him bleeding out and dying before my eyes.  I had to detach a bit knowing this was not a movie, this was real.  I don't watch the news anymore because I have learned that it does not serve me well.  It is mostly negative, and I have the tendency to stay in fear and foreboding and scarcity.  I don't want to live in scarcity anymore.

I don't want to discuss what I think of the shootings, because it's just so much more complex than a simple "black and white answer."  It is not cut and dry.  I just know from listening that living in black skin can be a lot more difficult than for most people living in white skin.  I know that racism exists and our community is hurting.

You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

While reading one of my friend's Facebook posts about going to a prayer vigil in a north Baton Rouge church last Thursday night, she described secondhand how much pain the black community was in and there was discussion of whether the white community cared.  This broke my heart.

How do I show I care? What can I do to step out of my South Baton Rouge comfort zone?

This is where I am going to be really honest. Although, there is a desire to show up at a prayer vigil or some sort of protest to say, let's come together, I support you!  I don't think I can.

I have fear.

Growing up and in a very small town, the mentality I developed was if you drive to New Orleans and get out the car, you were going to get shot.  This goes for pretty much any large city.  That is the impression I had and have lived with for most of my life.  Don't drive in the bad parts of town.  For that matter,  when I'm walking the dogs at night in my own neighborhood, I get alarmed when a car drives by and I'm watching closely for something bad to happen.

As I have begun determining what I believe authentically, miraculously at the same time an ease has materialized in my day to day living.  I realize how much anxiety and fear on a daily basis that I lived with.  My mind was constantly afraid of every small action that I needed to take even when I knew what I needed to do, I didn't.  I was afraid to speak up... anywhere.   I was frozen in my tracks for as long as I can remember.  This type of fear has to be taken down bit by bit over time.  Exposure by exposure and by practicing, a lot of practicing.

Sunday morning, I went to my book study at church and one of the suggestions was to do your part where you are, with who was in front of you each day.  And to examine your own beliefs, and where you may be contributing to the problem.

That morning, I learned that the three out of state groups that were scheduled to come and work our church's Revive 225 program this week had cancelled.  Our church was looking for volunteers to do the house repairs of homes that are within a 5 mile radius of our downtown church.  When I met up with my oldest daughter in the church gym, I looked at her without any prior planning and blurted out, "Do you want to work?" intuitively knowing that she would.  Now, in my class the hour before,  I had said out loud to the group, it's over 100 degrees outside, I can't do that, are they crazy?  But what was really going on were the other fears in my mind.  The north Baton Rouge fears... (and the heat too!)

But we signed up anyway.

We signed up on the youth page.  Mallory was enrolled in a morning camp so we could work the morning shift.  Baby steps.  Later on that night, I watched the news just to see what was going on with the protests.  There was a large confrontation between police and protestors with fifty arrests just a few blocks from our church...

But I knew I still wanted to go.

I told myself the protesters who were from mostly out of town, would be leaving.  I was slightly anxious, but the kind that I've worked through before when I step out of my comfort zone.  I awoke early, and worried about driving my car around north Baton Rouge.

But I knew I still wanted to go.

I knew in my gut, all would be well.  We showed up at the first house and worked to remove debris that had been taken down previously.  Our youth director mentioned that we were not that far away from the Triple S.  (Alrighty then.) We went to a second house not far away and picked up more materials. At this point, Riley went with the rest of the youth group to work longer and I stayed behind in order to pick Mal up from her camp.  I went in to the house to see if they needed help. Several church members were removing old ceiling tile and repairing it.  I went to ask the homeowner for a broom.  As I knocked to announce my presence in the room she was in, she got up with the warmest smile and presence and walked across the room with open arms and we hugged.

Those who go with the intention to "help others", end up receiving the blessing.

I didn't know I needed a hug that day, and the homeowner in north Baton Rouge gave it to me.

I didn't stay long, because there wasn't much for me to do, and I went to say bye to the homeowner.  Of course, I forgot her name as I forget everything that I don't type in to Notes these days.  But she remembered mine.

"Bye Miss Carol"

We mutually hugged again.

I feel less scared to go back another time.  Baby steps.

At home that afternoon, I had the addresses in my GPS and I looked up where the Triple S Food Mart was from where we were.  It was 1.2 miles away.

She lived 1.2 miles away from the deadly shooting and I am the one who received the hug.  In actuality, I give myself credit that I immediately put my arms up when I saw her reaction.

Bit by bit, the fear and feelings of scarcity will cease and be overtaken by love.

I Said No, Finally

Vacation Bible School was this week.  When the email came out a few months ago, I did something that it took years for me to do.  I sent out a polite email and said, I would not be volunteering this year.

I said no.

Not only did I not volunteer, I haven't even been driving to church every morning.  My teenager is working VBS as a youth leader and my ten year old is participating in Mission Day Camp and we are carpooling!!  I have volunteered for the last 10-12 years. Two years ago, I went totally nuts and led (the children) through a week of Mission Day Camp and if that wasn't enough, I volunteered to be in charge of the craft for VBS.   I put my time in.  And it wasn't without inner turmoil.

From the very beginning, VBS overwhelmed me.  Coming from a very small country church with a handful of kids, I distinctly remember walking into my large church's gym for the first time and feeling overpowered by the intensity of nearly four hundred kids.  I didn't even have my own kids yet.  This gym was boisterous, loud, and full of energetic children.  And for several of the next years, I was responsible for groups of those loud, energetic children.  And even though the week wore me down like no other, and I had no energy for my own children, I persisted in volunteering year after year because that is what I was supposed to do.

In hindsight, I worried what it would look like that I was a stay at home mom who did not volunteer for VBS.   I let my concern over what I thought other people would think prevail over what I absolutely knew was true about myself. And then throw God in the mix and I was totally set up for years of inner angst!  I was never meant to be a teacher of kids.  I tried really hard to mold myself into that but it didn't work.  Girl Scout leader didn't stick either.

Yet I learned.  One year, I filled out a scathing review at the end of the week because I did not know how to ask for help.  That year, I was leading an "active" group that needed a lot of intervention and my co-leader's daughter got sick and I was ALONE with my lot.  I needed to ask for more help but I did not want to bother anybody.  I was miserable and it seeped out in the questionnaire.

Over time, I learned to listen to my intuition, I learned to be assertive, I learned that I was capable of leading children, I was capable of being in charge of something important but it is not my passion.  When you are passionate about something, it is near effortless and you gain energy!  What feels like work in one area, just flows in another.  (and that's God flowing through)

I am an introvert (albeit a social one).  Being around people drains me, especially children : )   I have to cocoon for a long time after spending a week with four hundred children.  Every summer, I would have an emotional meltdown towards the end of the summer and it was awful.  I didn't know how to listen to my intuition, and act on it.  I didn't ask for a quieter job.

But I know now.

But the mind is a funny thing. This past Monday morning, even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I was hanging my VBS volunteer hat up for good, I did feel the need to tell two near strangers at church, that I was not working this year.  And guess what? THEY DID NOT CARE.

I'm the only one that cared!

 I'm the one that had to change my thoughts about it.  The only person I had to truly disappoint was me.  (well my oldest is giving me a small amount of flak, but she's a teenager and well, you know...) Thoughts are so powerful.  Paying attention to what you tell yourself about any given situation is so powerful.  Are the thoughts true?  Is the story that is repeated all day long in your head, true?  Those thoughts can mean misery or freedom.  It is the most important thing to do, to challenge the thoughts that you tell yourself about yourself all day long.  It takes time, but they can be rewired.

So today is the last day of VBS, and I am not even going for the closing service.  I will show up at noon when it's completely over, and gather my children together.  And I'm at peace with that.  I get to stay at home and write today. Pure Bliss.

Namaste

Postscript: Everyone should volunteer for a few years if able.  I just volunteered for about five years too long.

Grieving The Living

I am grieving a living person.  It's a very painful process, excruciating.  But I'm willing to go to the mat, and do the heavy work.  I don't want to live in this box anymore.

I have let my self worth be directed by a person who is wounded.  I can't do this anymore.

I am making myself small in order to try to gain acceptance and I will never get it. It has been shown to me over and over and over again that I will not get it.

Now is time to have compassion and acceptance for myself.

 I have to branch out and know that a higher power is going to see me through.

Namaste.

Listen To Your Intuition Even If You Disappoint Someone Who Came Out Of Your Body

I volunteered to participate in VBS… again.  It's about 10-12 years now.

I didn't want to.   My overriding predominant feeling that was really, really clear to me was that I was done volunteering for VBS.   And it has taken me years to listen to that intuition.  I have written about this topic of VBS before.  There was only one person, maybe two, in my family who wanted me too.

 My eldest daughter said something to the tune of me destroying her life and "you have always volunteered."

I shouldn't do things because other people want me too.  Even the people who came out of my own body.

The dread set in last week.  I have pushed it out of my head all summer but it is upon us.  It starts tomorrow.

DREAD.

This is the opposite of being passionate.

One needs to follow their passion to be fulfilled.

I will put my game face on and do this thing but I'm so biding my time and waiting for this week to be over.  That is now how to live.  I know better than this.  Why do something when you just dread doing it?  There are many other things in life that are necessary that I may not look forward to and need to do. This is not one of them anymore.

Deep Breathing.

I will follow my intuition the next time.

I Didn't Remember That I Loved This Mama Cass Song!

Last night was the season finale of The Middle, a hilarious family comedy.  Sue Heck graduated from high school!!  Sue is the middle child who never gives up and always has a smile on her face.   She tried out for everything and didn't make anything.  She created her own cheerleading squad for the wrestlers with a band of misfits. Kids at school didn't know who she was even after four years of high school.   I got teary eyed watching her montage.  They played this Mama Cass song which I have not heard in a long, long time.  I had really forgotten about the song.

But I knew every word.

Why did I start to cry at the end of the montage?  I went around with a smile on my face all the time like Sue.  I don't know if I had perseverance (?) but I'm learning to be like Sue now!  You have to follow your own pathway, especially if the normal or regular one doesn't work for you.

So now I'm making my own way and sometimes it is very lonely.  I don't fit in with a crowd.  Whatever a crowd is anymore?  There are things that I just don't care about anymore.  But it's come to my attention that I must do it my way.  That is the only thing that lets my soul sing.  And once your soul has sung, you can't go back.  You can't do what doesn't work anymore,

Here's to the year of Sue and Making it your own way however and whatever that is!

How I Relate To Bruce Jenner

(This was written prior to Caitlyn's unveiling yesterday - so Bruce is still referred to as a he.)

A few weeks back, I came home from a wedding and sat on the edge of my bed watching the recording of Diane Sawyer's interview with Bruce Jenner earlier that evening.  I was mesmerized.  It was so well done.  Bruce was finally able to tell his truth without interruption and with compassion and a little education added in from Diane.

I've watched him on the Kardashians.  I was done with it until Bruce began emerging in his truth.   I was interested in him (I remembered him as the Olympic champion - hubba, hubba) but as I watched him through a few seasons, he was not who I thought he would be.  He was much more passive but also seemingly sensitive, kind and loving.  He was the sane one.

He told his story to Diane so fluidly as obviously it was sixty-five years in the making.  That is a long, long time to wait to speak your truth.  On a different level than gender identity, I identify where he is coming from in terms of being true to one's self.   For me, it's about staking my place as a left leaning Christian living in a Bible Belt South Louisiana.  I grew up surrounded by guns, camouflage, LSU Football, attending church revivals, and nary an examination of feelings anywhere.  And later on, my dad had either Fox News, football, or a Western blaring in the background. None of it sat well with me.

I can tell you what I'm passionate about.  I LIVE to examine who I am and my thought processes!  It makes me giddy. That is when I feel closest to God because when I am quiet and let all of the other thoughts and distractions go, that is when I am able to recognize the eternal loving presence always INSIDE of me.

And Jesus is the biggest consciousness person out there.  Be still and know that I am God…from Psalms. He was all about renewing the mind. And renewing the mind is about working on your thought processes.

So I don't identify with things that are really celebrated around me yet I am absolutely passionate about my consciousness journey.  And it has taken me to my forty-sixth year of life to really own it.  It's been done in baby steps.  I did touch upon it in May 2009, entitled "Uncomfortable Religious Moments."  It was very truthful for me to write it yet I worried about acceptance from those around me (even though I told no one and just posted it to the world wide web!! LOL)   Over time it has sunk in that I can't worry about those around me, I have to be true to my own soul.  And that's how I identify with Bruce and wish the best for him.  It is going to be strange to see him as a woman, but the strange factor is overtaken and overruled by knowing I have to be who I am and allow those around me to be who they are.

So on a certain level, I understand what Bruce has been communicating ever since the Diane Sawyer interview.   For me living in a really Red state where Governor Bobby Jindal is issuing executive orders against LGBT, LSU Football reigns  and Duck Dynasty is celebrated, this does not sit well with my soul.  Until the last decade or so, I didn't even examine who I was enough to know where I stood because I was so fearful.  I went along with the crowd because I was too scared and it feels very isolating and lonely to step out on my own.

But it is not for me to go with the flow anymore.

If you are not aligned with your soul, the world is a pretty miserable place to live in.

And when you allow yourself to be who you are, as hard as that is, the universe rises up to meet you and you eventually find your tribe and it feels so right and LOVING with your soul and God.  I know, this is where I am supposed to be.

Namaste.


P.S. I used a lot of black and white language (right and left)  in this blog to get my point across.  The media paints the picture of right wing, left wing, red state, and blue state.  I don't think people fit in these categories as neatly as I used in the examples. And I don't think we are as divided as it appears or feels.  At some point, I had a big aha that my higher power was the same God that others believed in.  We just have different rules and language which seem to create a big divide. Well, and the fact that they think I'm going to hell doesn't bother me anymore.  {grin}

Letting Go Of What's Broken, Part 2

This is beginning to seep in. The most important part of it to me is that, "You get to laugh loudly, paint, write and create. You get to be yourself."

I LOVE writing.  I didn't start in earnest until five-six years ago.  This blog has been hugely important to me.  I process my life as I write.  Thank you for reading and commenting!

I was unauthentic the first half of my life.  I relied on following others, taking subtle signals from others on how to respond.  I did not know how to live my own life.  And I didn't even know that I wasn't living my own life.   I can see it so much more clearly now that I've been claiming myself for the last few years.  (I love the 40's!!)

I feared so much.  I lived in daily anxiety.  A few months ago,  I went to a party that was with a group that I am not usually extended an invitation.  George was working that night and I worked hard to find a date to go with me.  In the past, the first "no" would have halted the process and felt like a major rejection of me.  Yet I kept asking, I was determined to go.  Finally, a newer friend of mine was able to go.  God bless her, she is still friendly with me because I was so anxious about going and it came out as non-stop blathering.  I couldn't stop talking about my worries….

About going to a party??

When and how did I become this person?  (But that doesn't matter and I don't want to spend any more time figuring it out in my head, I just want to grow)  I didn't really understand what happened until the next day, and I processed my behavior and how anxious I was.  About half way through the party, I thought, do I really want to be here?  I  had been wanting to break through into this group for so long (with no real action on my part, just wishing and hoping) and here I was thinking, hmmm.  Do I want to be here?

And why did I want to be a part of this group so badly? Attractive FB pictures? The desire to be part of a tribe, to be part of a larger whole, to be connected with people?

This is part of figuring out who I am.  I have to try things and see how it goes and some may be just the ticket and some may not.  I recognize that there is a group that I belong to at church that I have felt at home with from the moment I sat down in the chair of their book study.  I can't say this strongly enough.  I FELT AT HOME FROM THE MOMENT I SAT DOWN.  The discussions that we have are exactly in line with passions of mine.   PASSIONS!  They give me support like I have never had, and they comment on who I am becoming and see me for who I am.   I walk in the door and they hug me and are glad to see me.  I have learned to have a voice in that class.  I speak up and say what's on my heart and it's not always pretty but they applaud me and my efforts and say the most warm, nurturing and loving things.  And I'm learning to do the same.  I am learning to be nurturing and warm.  I thought I was before but I wasn't in the way that I aspire to be or rather who I think I am deep inside where fear is not holding me back.

It's so much easier to love others when you love yourself.

And I have never attended any functions of this group that I was invited to.

There is a party tonight. I am making plans to go. And there will probably be nerves.  And that's okay.  I need to try this out.  It may or may not be the ticket but I won't know unless I try.

Namaste.

They Know Me, They Really Know Me!

The family and I play a game called Say Anything - Family Edition.  Each of us reads a question card and the rest of the players answer the question in the reader's opinion.  

The question I picked was In My Opinion...I just wrote a book.  What's it called?

Mallory answered "Living with Sisters."

Riley answered "I just need space with no one in it"

And George answered "Finding your True Self(ie)" (he gets points for creativity!) 

My family really does know me.

They get me, they really do. 

Love Yourself

Yes.

Fear and Loathing in Baton Rouge

"Every time you substitute kindness for criticism you improve your relationship with yourself.
When you feel depressed, abandoned, anxious, or worthless that’s a big clue you are telling yourself something harsh and untrue. Challenge your beliefs vociferously in the context of unconditional self love and watch your life improve"
~♥ Nicole S. Urdang

Unconditional self-love.  I believe for the first forty years of my life, I practiced unconditional self-loathing.

I didn't even realize what I was doing.

Looking back, I lived in fear and talked to myself ALL THE TIME about how I didn't measure up to others, how I couldn't do whatever was placed before me.  So many, many moments of my life were spent worrying about the next ones (and not being present).

It is no way to live.

I wouldn't speak up.  It didn't matter the situation, or to whom I was speaking.   I would never lead ANYTHING.  It made me nervous just to participate.   There was no way I could lead, even though I could see better ways to do certain things, I would never voice the thoughts in my head.  When I had to call someone on the phone or address someone about something relatively important, it was a capital H,  Huge deal.  I would agonize over it for hours or days and procrastinate.  My husband commented to me how I freeze in my tracks and just don't move.

It seems every interaction I had with others, I felt like I would be found out.  I wasn't who I appeared to be.  I had made good grades, I was cute and had pretty hair.  I was a cheerleader for gosh sakes.  (That's another entire issue there)  I lived by all of the externals - anything that was on the outside: from what groups I associated with, to the name brands I wore, to how I looked.

It is makes me sad to think how little I thought of myself.

How do you come out of that, especially if you don't even have the awareness that it's going on?

For me it was therapy.  And like most people, usually something has to hit a breaking point for anyone to head to therapy, rehab, treatment.  I wanted to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off.  I knew there was something much deeper to my relationship with food.  And that is where my journey to shift from fear to love began.  I didn't even know that's what I was doing.    What I found out was why I couldn't love myself, and the stories I told myself in my head.  I began the process of becoming who I AUTHENTICALLY am.

And the bizarre thing to me, was that my spiritual journey was one and the same as my therapy.  I unintentionally ended up at church in studies that matched exactly what I was learning on the "outside" and I didn't know those studies existed inside the church.  But it is all one and the same.

You know "God is love." {smile} {wink}

At the core of spirituality and therapy is love.  It had been lost for me for a really long time but it's coming back!  Now, when I judge myself or another person, I stop, and think, Hmmm,  oh yeah, that's fear talking.  And these days, the thoughts just flow right out again.  In the beginning of practicing mindfulness, it might take a few days when someone or something really got in my craw.  But lately, it's down to a few hours and for small issues, it takes minutes or seconds.  

It's been a slow journey and at times painful but one that I am gloriously happy to be on.

Being Defriended on Facebook

I've lost my voice with this blog for a bit.  I haven't written in a while and I truly LOVE to write.  It is so cathartic for me.  So I am forcing myself to write this.

I shared a bit of my authentic self on Facebook.  I linked a blog that had taken me many years of soul searching to write. But it had to do with religion, addiction, being gay and the movie, "Twelve Years  A Slave."  Hot button issues to write about in the Deep South Bible Belt.

After posting the link to my blog, I was pleasantly surprised that there were positive responses immediately.  I would like to say that it shouldn't have mattered but knowing someone else understood and had the same opinion was gratifying.  It is my truth and I have worked so hard to get to the point of saying it out loud…well at least in a blog.

And then about a week later, I realized that one person was not pleased with the blog and needed to not see my "stuff" on FB and defriended without a word.  I was saddened and angry because of who the person was but I remind myself that the reaction that comes back to me has to do with that person.  It's their stuff.

This blog is my truth and I have worked so hard to come to know what I believe at my core.  And I am learning bit by bit that I don't have to have anyone else agree with me either.  And to take it a step further, I can be friends with people who don't have the same opinion as I.  It is called, "Agreeing to Disagree."  

Love them and accept them for who they are.

In my journey, I had to figure out that I was a people pleaser - this was kinda shocking to me as I have progressed out of it, how deeply it went.  I had to learn what boundaries were.  First, I had to have the awareness that I was a people pleaser and what the hell boundaries were and that I needed them,  desperately.   I believe that I had to understand where I came from so I could move forward.  And moving forward to owning my own thoughts, words and actions is so freeing.

The irony with this particular situation of defriending is that my journey to figure out my authentic self, led me to a deeper relationship with God and his Divineness within me, always available to rely on.   And that Divine within is all about love, not judgment. And this person and I just disagree about the "rules" of the God we both believe in.

So I'm back.  I will stop here.  But my journey has to continue whether anyone agrees with me or not.

It is well with my soul.

Namaste.

Acceptable Self vs Unacceptable Self a la Richard Rohr

This meditation speaks to me sooooo much.  I've underlined what meant the most to me!


Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation

Leaving the Garden

Splitting the Idealized Self
from the Shadow Self
Friday, February 28, 2014

The fourth split is when you split your acceptable self from your unacceptable self. You build a persona, a self-image that is based upon what most people want from you, reward you for, and what you choose to identify with. At the same time, you repress and often totally deny your “shadow self.” Your shadow is what you refuse to see about yourself and what you do not want others to see. Jesus simply calls it “the log in your own eye” (Matthew 7:4). It’s fully there, but you just can’t see it. And even worse, this unworthy instrument becomes that by which you see others (which is why you tend to dislike people who are just like you!). “The lamp of the body is the eye” (Matthew 6:22), Jesus says, and you need to clean the lens to see truthfully. Much of the work of spirituality is becoming aware of the biases, prejudices, and limitations through which you see the moment. It is a lifetime of painful work. It never ceases, because the ego never totally abandons its throne.

Jesus was a brilliant psychologist. He really was. He says you must clean not just the outside of the cup, but mostly the inside (Matthew 23:26). I would say that the major reason why so much religion is a waste of time is that it is mostly about external actions, rituals, and behaviors, whereas Jesus focuses very strongly on the internal (attitude, motivation, intention) and actually minimizes the external. Only an inner life of prayer helps you to go where Jesus invites us.

This split from the shadow self reaches full force in the teenage years, but many never recover. Young people are just so eager to be acceptable to their peer group and to “look good,” but unfortunately a lifelong game has begun. Carl Jung said that people who just look outside are dreaming, but people who look inside are “awakening.”

Both the idealized self and the shadow self can blind one to their best and deepest self. This, ironically, is a “field of both weeds and wheat” (Matthew 13:24f) that for some magnificent reasons God not only fully accepts but even loves. It is only we who refuse to live in this field. Rumi, the Sufi poet, beautifully says, “I will meet you there!”


Adapted from Franciscan Mysticism: I AM That Which I Am Seeking
(CD, MP3 download),
Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self, p. 29, and
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, pp. 127-128

...and Not Be Ashamed

Wowza - Love this!  I really need to read some of her books.

I'm Out Of The Closet

I came out of the closet a few days ago.  I was sitting at lunch with some "moms" from our non-denominational Christian school.  I heard words spoken that pierced me and it was about a lesbian choosing to be gay.  I may have misunderstood but I don't think so, because I was not corrected when I spoke up.  I had to interject and say, "Being gay is not a choice."

That's all I said.

But that was HUGE!

Outing myself as a supporter of Team LGBT was a massive moment for me as I have stayed quiet for a long time.  I never felt like it was okay for me to have an opinion.   In order to speak up and say I support gays and lesbians, I had to work through my interpretation from a "Christian" standpoint.  I have been doing that for years now.  What I have been thinking to myself all these years is that if I said something that someone disagreed with, would they stop liking me?  And would I not be in favor with them anymore?

But this is what I have learned, anyone can have their opinion but I can have my opinion as well AND we can still be friends.  It's called "let's agree to disagree."

But maybe they won't be able to agree to disagree and then that is when you bring on the Boundaries and it can be painful that you can't agree to disagree but I'm learning to live in own skin and my own truth and I can't go back now.

And that is also HUGE!

In the car on our way to Thanksgiving, Mallory played "Brave" by Sara Barielles.  Love that song. Here's a little bit...
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Words do settle down in your skin and for many, many years the shadow has won but I'm slowly coming out of that.  Feelings which are blocked energy are coming out left and right for me. I remember when I started crying in yoga and thought what the heck is going on?  Now I revel in the ability to cry as well as to be just curious about the other feelings that come to the surface!

I have no idea how difficult and how painful it is to be a gay person in our society.  I can only imagine what it would be like when just being who God made you offends a portion of society. Then those who fear gays judge, degrade, physically harm and take away civil rights and all while using the bible as a shield to do so.  The bible doesn't say to do that in my interpretation.

I do understand living in fear and not being able to be who I authentically am.  I have read many biographies, watched a lot of Oprah and when a gay person told their story, I identified very deeply with the part of not being able to be true to them self and those around them.

So here it is in my own quiet way, I'm out.  I'm speaking up and I support gay rights!

I Always Think That I'm The One Teaching My Kids But...

For the longest time, she hesitated to sign up for the pep squad.  I, "the old cheerleader," had been hoping for a few years that she would be interested in cheerleading as well.  I felt a very strong tug when I saw a group of girls practicing together or when we attended a high school game.  It was a deep yearning that I couldn't let go.

What is this deep yearning really about...

Just because I enjoyed being a cheerleader doesn't mean she would.  She is not me and she has her own interests.  But she would bring up pep squad from time to time when the other girls talked about it.  The two of us would discuss the pros and cons and where she stood.

And during those talks I learned to let my desire for her go.  Instead of me teaching her something, I listened to her talk about what she wanted and I learned something! 

It's very important to follow your own dreams.

The extended "join the pep squad" deadline was upon us, and she brought it up again, which surprised me because I had let it go and thought she had ruled it out.  Although cheerleading is a sport - I would love for her to be on the field playing the sport, but it's her choice.  So I requested the final schedule to see what the exact time commitment would be as it was a major concern for my academic daughter.  (Woo Hoo on that concern!)

At the very final opportunity to join, I sensed a desire on her part but she was still hesitant. This isn't about me.  Hmmm.  What do I do?  Since she only had one other activity going on during the week, I encouraged her to try.  She seemed to need the push to get out of her comfort zone.  

So we ended up at our first game last night. It was very exciting to see the smile on her face having fun.  This may be her only time with a cheerleader uniform on (well, when hers comes in because we signed up so late!) and I'm okay with that.  I may grieve it a little when the time comes but I want her to be who she authentically is and to follow her own interests because that is where her heart is.  And I need to pursue those things where my heart lies and get out of my comfort zone.

The game was a classic "agony of defeat" kind of night.  The other team scored on their first possession and kept going.   Our fifth and sixth grade boys worked really hard but the end score of 20-6 was not in our favor.   But let me tell you that "6" was SO exciting!!  It brought out the old cheerleader in me.  I stood and screamed (and stopped chatting) when I realized that we were close to the goal line!  It was a little deja vu and fun!

You don't have to have a uniform on to be a cheerleader.