Thankful for Power Outages?!

Late yesterday afternoon around 6:22 p.m. to be exact, the power went out in our house in broad sunny daylight.  George sprang, and I mean sprang into action.  Within five minutes, he had the portable generator sitting on the back patio and was carrying the A/C window unit into our bedroom.  I assisted where I could, finding the proper extension cords, tools, etc.

And I thank him.

It is brutally hot in south Louisiana.

I tried to find a working flashlight and discovered most of them had dead batteries or no batteries at all.  Then I cursed myself for the times I found Mallory with a powered on flashlight not using it.  Allowing the sun in for light, meant you were allowing the sun in with HEAT.  And it's been in the 90's, feeling like at least one hundred degrees with humidity.

It was a good test for hurricane season.
I have started my list of things we need.

The window unit & Ralph Macchio on the computer screen.

I also felt justified for every time I have kept my devices charged to the max.  My family makes fun of me.  My phone was 33% charged.  My computer at 26%.  How will I get communication from Entergy or neighbors to stay in the know?

This is a nightmare.

Ok, it's not a nightmare at all but my first instincts says it is.  My mind and emotions go back to past episodes of tropical storms and/or hurricanes.  I will never forgot the time the power was out for a long while after Gustav in 2008 and my mother in law and my much younger daughters and I drove to the nearby Walmart plaza and it was crazy.  I was looking for ice.  We had no generator at that time and the parking lot was packed, hard to navigate and reeked of desperation.  I felt very alone and unsure of how to handle what was going on.  George was working and living at the hospital.   We were told the power would be out for a couple of weeks and after the Walmart experience, we fled to Atlanta to my sister in laws.  I had never driven that far by myself without another driver.   I have a bit of post traumatic stress (really bad memories of being completely unnerved by the situation) and other past experiences (being nine months pregnant when Hurricane Katrina and it's aftermath roared through for another)

I cringed a little on the inside with my uncharged devices and said out loud that I will never let the family make fun of me for charging again (in my best Scarlett O'Hara voice)  Being without power is an inconvenience and hot but it brings our family (and from what I hear the neighborhood) together.  This is what my new mindful brain tells me.  This is not what I did eight years ago.  Anxiety was my middle name.  I lived in discomfort the entire ordeal.

Thank you for the practice of mindfulness.

After we got the most important things connected to the generator:  my phone(!), A/C, a fan, the refrigerator, and freezer,  we settled down after George grilled hamburgers.  Mallory was away at a birthday party.  George, Riley and I piled in the king sized bed in the cooled bedroom with closed shutters, drapes and doors.  The two dogs and one of the cats was with us and we began watching "The Outsiders" on DVD on our old laptop with added special effect water speakers.  Portable air conditioners and fans make a lot of noise.  The teenager was forced to be with us, but secretly I think she liked it.

It was cozy and comfortable and familially unifying.  After a total of two hours, and a fourth of the way into our movie,  I was a little sad when the power came on.

Well, maybe for a nanosecond.

I love air conditioning.

Forced family togetherness on vacation and in power outages can be a hot beautiful thing.  

Namaste.

I Said No, Finally

Vacation Bible School was this week.  When the email came out a few months ago, I did something that it took years for me to do.  I sent out a polite email and said, I would not be volunteering this year.

I said no.

Not only did I not volunteer, I haven't even been driving to church every morning.  My teenager is working VBS as a youth leader and my ten year old is participating in Mission Day Camp and we are carpooling!!  I have volunteered for the last 10-12 years. Two years ago, I went totally nuts and led (the children) through a week of Mission Day Camp and if that wasn't enough, I volunteered to be in charge of the craft for VBS.   I put my time in.  And it wasn't without inner turmoil.

From the very beginning, VBS overwhelmed me.  Coming from a very small country church with a handful of kids, I distinctly remember walking into my large church's gym for the first time and feeling overpowered by the intensity of nearly four hundred kids.  I didn't even have my own kids yet.  This gym was boisterous, loud, and full of energetic children.  And for several of the next years, I was responsible for groups of those loud, energetic children.  And even though the week wore me down like no other, and I had no energy for my own children, I persisted in volunteering year after year because that is what I was supposed to do.

In hindsight, I worried what it would look like that I was a stay at home mom who did not volunteer for VBS.   I let my concern over what I thought other people would think prevail over what I absolutely knew was true about myself. And then throw God in the mix and I was totally set up for years of inner angst!  I was never meant to be a teacher of kids.  I tried really hard to mold myself into that but it didn't work.  Girl Scout leader didn't stick either.

Yet I learned.  One year, I filled out a scathing review at the end of the week because I did not know how to ask for help.  That year, I was leading an "active" group that needed a lot of intervention and my co-leader's daughter got sick and I was ALONE with my lot.  I needed to ask for more help but I did not want to bother anybody.  I was miserable and it seeped out in the questionnaire.

Over time, I learned to listen to my intuition, I learned to be assertive, I learned that I was capable of leading children, I was capable of being in charge of something important but it is not my passion.  When you are passionate about something, it is near effortless and you gain energy!  What feels like work in one area, just flows in another.  (and that's God flowing through)

I am an introvert (albeit a social one).  Being around people drains me, especially children : )   I have to cocoon for a long time after spending a week with four hundred children.  Every summer, I would have an emotional meltdown towards the end of the summer and it was awful.  I didn't know how to listen to my intuition, and act on it.  I didn't ask for a quieter job.

But I know now.

But the mind is a funny thing. This past Monday morning, even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I was hanging my VBS volunteer hat up for good, I did feel the need to tell two near strangers at church, that I was not working this year.  And guess what? THEY DID NOT CARE.

I'm the only one that cared!

 I'm the one that had to change my thoughts about it.  The only person I had to truly disappoint was me.  (well my oldest is giving me a small amount of flak, but she's a teenager and well, you know...) Thoughts are so powerful.  Paying attention to what you tell yourself about any given situation is so powerful.  Are the thoughts true?  Is the story that is repeated all day long in your head, true?  Those thoughts can mean misery or freedom.  It is the most important thing to do, to challenge the thoughts that you tell yourself about yourself all day long.  It takes time, but they can be rewired.

So today is the last day of VBS, and I am not even going for the closing service.  I will show up at noon when it's completely over, and gather my children together.  And I'm at peace with that.  I get to stay at home and write today. Pure Bliss.

Namaste

Postscript: Everyone should volunteer for a few years if able.  I just volunteered for about five years too long.

Summer Reading Time Again

This is how we roll in our house. It is not yet June and the girls and I are all signed up for Summer Reading at the library.  Riley registered in the Teen section for the first time.

I love books.  I fell out of love with reading after I finished grad school. I didn't want to HAVE to read anything ever again.  Slowly but surely the love has come back.  My children have it. We read every night when they were little and my nine year old has been asking me to read to her again.

I have never had any difficulty with them reading for AR points at school.  They flourish.  And this year, I plan to turn my form in on time, to get my goodie bag.

Lessons learned from Easter Break Trip 2015

The girls and I took a last minute trip to the beach  in Orange Beach, AL for two nights.  It was originally to have been an extended family girls' trip but it fell apart.  I really had my heart set on it, so after  2 days of deliberation we decided to go on our own and out of my comfort zone.  For some reason, I have to break out and learn to do fun things that involve leaving the city that I live in.  There is an alarm that goes off if I try to leave the perimeter!  But off we went!  Yes!

Here are the things I learned:
~Weather forecasts can be wrong.  I almost didn't go because the rain forecast was 70-90 percent for the 2nd and 3rd days we would be there and it didn't rain at all.  It was overcast but I LOVED that!
~My eldest does not like the beach at all, let me repeat…she doesn't like the beach at all.
~My youngest loves the beach and the waves and boogey boarding.  She is attracted to the water immensely and can't walk to the beach without getting in immediately.
~We don't have to eat out at restaurants  and spend $$ all the time.  The girls were happy to buy Lean Cuisines and eat in at the hotel room.  Thank you Hampton Inn fridge and microwave.
~Two nights were sufficient and gloriously refreshing even for driving four hours and fifteen minutes each way by myself.  (Can't wait until Riley can drive…did I really say that??)
~The application of Jergens Natural Glow Medium to Tan Skin Tone is evidently too dark for me.  My hands, feet and elbows were orange after the second night of application.  I had never had this happen before, and I never knew any tanning ever took place.
~I forgot my makeup and it was so freeing.  Not one, "oh no."   I did have my tinted moisturizer with SPF and it's the best.
~On the beach, not really being able to read while looking up every 45 seconds to make sure Mallory is above water, I use the time to examine my moles, age spots to make sure nothing looks askew. There are a lot of moles, and light and dark age spots to keep me busy for hours.
~I could not wait to see the waves and put my feet in the sand and hear the waves.  It did not disappoint. The weather was overcast and not too hot and the breeze was fantastic.
~The lesson was learned that I can leave my house and drive outside of the perimeter, have fun and relax with the two girls by myself.  I'll call it baby steps to "How To Have Fun 101!"
Namaste.

Nervouscited

Thank you Mallory for the word and blog title.  This is her word for the first day of school.  And mine too!

As a stay at home mom, the beginning of a school year, brings up all kind of emotions.  I spend a good portion of the summer adjusting to them being at home full-time.    Spending 24-7 is quite the challenge and we spend a lot of time together as a family, especially just the three of us during the summer.   No one goes to camp, no one goes to Grandmas.  They don't have playdates down the street.  It is the three of us, 24-7.  As sisters, they have beautiful time playing together and then the ugly time of sibling rivalry and fighting.  They are both going through new phases.  Mallory is wanting more independence and getting better at demanding more of me which I need to give to her.  Riley is knee deep in pre-teen mode, and her own independence but still demanding more of me as she has done since birth.  Both of them are tackling new challenges at school, which they are excited about.  We will take each day, one day at a time.

On this day and prior to it, I get sad, and think of the summer activities we didn't get to do and it's over.  We only went swimming twice to our club pool.  That's a travesty.  There will be no more big volunteer work for me during the summer!  Challenges are good but this summer was too busy.    I will miss the girls while they are at school, but then on the other hand am so relieved to take a deep breath and soak up the quiet of the house.   I need this quiet so much to recharge.

How Do I Know It's Summer, Let Me Count the Ways...

How do I know it's Summer? Let me count the ways...

~It's hot outside.

~It's hurricane season.

~Mallory's hair already has a green tint no matter how hard I try to keep it blonde.

~House is messy again before the cleaning ladies even leave.

~George has already complained about said house destruction.

~I'm on edge.

~The words, "I'm bored" have been uttered by a child.

~I desire an adult beverage EVERY afternoon.

~I did not take a bath one day and didn't notice until the next day- it was a bad day.

~I think ugly thoughts about the moms who just LOVE summer.

~I have written this blog about summer. : )

She Read My Mind....

Summertime for stay-at-home parents must feel like being captured and sent back to Shawshank.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 13, 2013

OMG- Yesterday was one of those days.  Nine days of road trip vacation, first two weeks of being home alone with the kids and no solitude, and first day to realize that I never took a bath.  Ewww.
My neighbor told me about this comic on twitter.  She gets it, she really gets me!!

All I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten...

We are on our last day at the beach!  It took me a few days to decompress when we got here.  I couldn't really enjoy the beauty or tranquility because I was on overload.  Before we left home, not only was I a guide for VBS with 400+ kids in attendance but our remodeling demolition started the same week.  There was children's energy and dust everywhere simultaneously.

Yes, these are first world problems.

Usually after a VBS morning, I take to the bed for some time to rest in the afternoon but that was not happening at all.  I ended up running errands every day and it was the kind of week where at the end of the day my legs (and mind) ached for stillness.  Each day random remodeling errands came up and needed to be taken care of especially since we were leaving town.

Yesterday, I was invited to a yoga class by a friend who has a condo at the place we are staying.  I really wanted to go as I have not been to a class in so long.  I practice at home using my 15 minute DVD.  I tell myself that a class is going to be too hard and I put up mental road blocks.  A while back I wrote about making it into something I was "supposed to" do because it is so good in so many ways for me which then killed it for me.  I no longer want to do anything that anybody tells me to do, even my own "shouldisms."

The night before yoga, I had gone to bed with a newly acquired cold and loaded up on Nyquil.  Also, my knees started bothering me about 2 months ago.  I started taking Condroitin/Glucosamine  several weeks ago to see if that helped and it did, until I played in the Gulf in the waves and uneven sand.  My right hand now gets achy in the middle if I use it without proper form.  I have to watch what I do with it, like not pick up 18x18 floor tiles pincher style.

Oh, and that first day of VBS,  I picked up Annie the dog to put her into her kennel for safety away from all of the male workers, and have had lower back pain ever since.  Our sweet beagle weighs 25 pounds.

So snot running down my face, achy back, achy knees and hand,  do I go to yoga?   As I pulled on the now necessary reader glasses to figure out the adult dosage for children's daytime cold medicine, it struck me that this is the marrow of life that I have to accept.  How I accept these aches and pains and snot, (or even worse things) are how the quality of my life will be.  Acceptance has become my new mantra.  It has become so clear to me that my thoughts shape my life.

I think of all of the years that I spent my time thinking I couldn't.  Yet I can.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything.  What we think we become" ~Buddha

He was one righteous dude.

I totally enjoyed the yoga class.  And at VBS as I walked around with four classes of Kindergarteners all week, I was reminded once again that everything we need to know in life we learn in kindergarten.

I got chills listening to this song.  And I loved that the sign for free is one from yoga.  I had a good time learning all the movements too!  Mallory has the short curly blond hair  and denim blue shirt and looks slightly disinterested.  Riley is in red shirt with blond hair swept back in a pony tail.

Summer 2012 summed up in pictures....

Disney Trip - First week of summer break

Out with the old corner tub

Picking out wood flooring for Master Bedroom

Picking out granite for Master Bath counter

Picking out tile and stones for floor and shower floor: (Here's a theme: lots of decision making)

Had exterior of the house painted. 

Ongoing battle of Annie the dog versus the cats, Princess and Morgan:  Annie loses every time.

Picking out granite for girl's bathrooms. 

Our first load up of donations to Connections for Life in new SUV. I love decluttering!

The girls and I walking Annie:  Precious quality time with my children that I wasn't expecting.We talk about pee and poop but also good stuff too!

Demo on Day 1 of VBS.  Long but good week.  The dust traveled everywhere from the tile being ripped up.

Picking out Paint Colors

Week of VBS teaching - 400+ kids!  Lots of energy!

New 6 foot tub and shorter counter to fit tub.

Pensacola Beach: Riley on boogie board in background, Mallory in foreground.

And school starts right around the corner...

My Friends: SPF and Rashguards

I went in last week for my three month mole check after my diagnosis of melanoma at the end of November. I have three fresh new scars. I'm awaiting the results of three moles that were questionable. I knew this was likely. I would much rather have them taken off and tested when the only treatment for this cancer is to keep hacking off tissue to get clean margins where the mole resided.

I haven't fully accepted this melanoma diagnosis although I am reminded every day that I shave my legs. The diagnosis occurred at the beginning of December when my mother in law was dying, and it was Christmas. It happened and I was there but it hadn't sunk in. The reminder card from my Dermatology clinic came and I waited until after the burial in PA to make the appointment.

I haven't fully accepted that I have to become the sun czar for myself and my children and I need to intimately know every brown spot on my body including scalp,ears, eyes and butt cheeks. SPF, shade, rash guards and hats are my new friends and I wasn't ready to put them in my circle on such a permanent basis although I always was aware. A lot of this damage had already been done prior to my twenties.

It just takes time for the psyche to accept this new information. It's a process I believe. Having three new scars is helping me progress in this process of acceptance. But the timing is good, as the humidity and temperature is rising for ridiculously hot summer coming. I am working to get more prepared. In my early youth going to the pool was a social event, and picking out just the right swimsuit was always a part. Now I am searching Lands End for a long sleeve rash guard and skirted bottom. Times they are a changing. The point is I am alive. I have scars but I am alive.

*The results came back, and two moles were atypical, one more than the other so I will have a little more flesh removed and a couple of stitches but overall, very good news. I am grateful.

School starts tomorrow

We are back from our last summer fling last week, a few nights at Orange Beach, AL and one night at Beau Rivage in Biloxi, MS. School starts tomorrow. It was difficult at first for me to let go and "relax" at the beach. GaGa is ever present in our minds. We received one desperate phone call on day 2 and then George decided to call her each day. I let him take over during the trip. I just wanted to escape that reality for a little bit and being away from home did help that. It was wonderful to get away.

My birthday occurred while we were gone and it was a good day. Really!! This is a remarkable occurrence for me and my birthday baggage. I took control of certain aspects and it doesn't hurt to spend it away from home! George stepped up to the plate and "took over" and let me have some down time. I appreciated it immensely. There were presents from George and the girls. I planned a massage and got a manicure. I spent the afternoon with my family relaxing at all of the Caribe pools. Had delicious take out from Louisiana Lagniappe for dinner and I sat and ate with wet hair, no makeup and a tshirt and shorts on. For a birthday it was pretty darn good! Maybe the birthday baggage tide is achanging.

In the car on the way home, I had a moment where I was SAD that school was starting. The flow of being a stay at home mom is ever changing. Now, I haven't had alone time in ages, my house is a WRECK, (my cleaning lady hasn't been in weeks), there has been no regular physical activity or yoga but I am wistful today that the girls are heading back to school. Each year passes faster and the bottom line is, I love being their mother. This summer flew by, as I kept them busy and they are getting older and easier to manage (or is it me?) There were a few moments I was ready to ship them somewhere with the fighting and whining but in comparison to other summers, this one was managed well.


I will have more opportunity to visit my mother in law and I need to. It has gotten really difficult to have the kids around her. They are scared of her and she has a low tolerance and that is just plain depressing because I know how much she loved being with them before. She is on the slow decline and it is devastating to my soul to watch this happen. There is just no going around how difficult this is. It doesn't end until her end and actively waiting for a loved one to die is not natural. She is a shadow of her former self, there are no more smiles, and her quality of life has deteoriated immensely. No warm fuzzies here. Death is a natural part of life, but it is unnatural to go through it or maybe it's the grieving part of it. But time marches on and life continues. Riley will put her uniform on tomorrow and school will officially start and I have 2 birthday parties to plan that are right around the corner. Life goes on.

Bathing Suit Section at Dillard's

Recently, I stopped by Dillard's to try on swimsuits....Enough said huh? I didn't dread it, I just knew I wanted some other options with vacation coming up and a new membership at a swimming club.

I did this for nearly 2 hours. And I think I survived emotionally intact?! The truth that I rediscovered is that many women do not enjoy this, and shall I say, maybe dread this. I heard a couple of random comments that fueled some thoughts for me. And then I ran into an acquaintance who was deliberating which style to buy based on her perception of her legs and stomach and which body part was better, etc. And I thought, wow, I'm at least 4-6 sizes larger and I hadn't had those thoughts. Maybe, I've made progress in accepting my body?! I know I have some, and it's funny how I don't know I've made progress until I remember that I stopped thinking about something the usual way. Did you follow that? That's how slow this progress goes.

It reminded me that even supermodels don't like the way they look. So many people have difficulty accepting their bodies as they are. There was just a story this morning about a size 2 woman getting mini-liposuction, and that is not surprising to me. I did find it fascinating that Oprah could not understand that even supermodels have self esteem issues. Beautiful thin people are not exempt from negative thoughts about themselves even though we consider them pretty. Self esteem is not based on our outsides. It's all based on what is going on between the ears.

All I could do was imagine all the thoughts that have gone on and will continue to go on in the bathing suit section of this store. And elsewhere. And I hated the idea of it, it made me sad. All of the negative energy swirling around and women beating up on themselves, me included at times. I was almost okay with the experience until I ran into people and heard their thoughts.

But I can't let what other people say about themselves affect me. That is my whole goal right now, accepting myself as is, exclusive of other's opinions. Whether that is 20 lbs lighter or not. Healing wounds takes time and patience.

And in the mean time, my new friends are self tanners. I watched Ruby Gettinger and she talked about how fat looks better tan. (I guess that is a little counter intuitive to my loving myself as I am) but I agree with Ruby. While I'm loving my dimples they do look better orangey brown than as pale as I am naturally.

So yes, I still want to lose weight. That doesn't go away. But I also know that right now, I am worthy, a beautiful person, and a child of God with good tanning cream.

Time to leave the Smokies...

I'm on Day 8 of Vacation. We left on a Friday, and it has been pretty good as far as vacations go and it's now a Friday again. T We have 2 days of driving (12 hours) ahead of us and it is time to go home. George took the girls to play putt putt, and go to an aquarium. I could not take another park. He didn't seem to mind. We are leaving tomorrow.

I have soaked up the views. I have stayed wet like a rat in Dollywood, Dollywood Splash Country, and Whitewater Rafting. We have driven up and down and around steep windy roads. I've looked at mountains, valleys and black bear mommas and cubs which was a highlight for me. Most of it was really great fun. I enjoyed the splash park more than I thought I would. The kids enjoyed life in the 1800's via Cades Cove less that I thought they would.

We needed to get away and we did. I love to take a vacation. Growing up neither George nor I had family vacations like we are able to do now. I still get excited and am in wonderment how neat it is to go and explore somewhere new, or not new and how wonderful it is to come back home even though we are tired BUT refreshed. The appreciation of home is anew.

This morning as George and I drank our coffee, there was smoke in the Smokies. Perfect way to end the vacation. I kinda wish we had left today. Now the last thing on the agenda is the Dixie Stampede in Pidgeon Forge tonight. We are going to be rooting for the North.

And our very last stop tomorrow morning is a swing (an hour out of the way) to the house of my great great great great great great grandfather's still standing home built in 1785. I'm intrigued.

Motherhood is not for Sissies

It's that time of year again. Riley and Mallory have six and a half days and then school is out for SUMMER! Not that I'm counting.
The thoughts of summer conjure up both dread and excitement. It use to be all dread and my friend says my voice doesn't sound (as) panicked as in past summers. Yet I am steeling myself mentally right now. I am grieving my alone time. I love my quiet time. At this moment, I am sitting in my beautiful new living room and my windows on this mid May South Louisiana day are open!! and it is breezy!! I hear the birds chirping and the wind chimes clanging. Both cats are sleeping near me on the new furniture. : ) It is blissfull and I am soaking it up.

I love my girls with every fiber of my being, yet 24/7 just makes for very loooong hot summer days. There will be boredom, bickering and the need for patience, patience, patience. And George's work is unyielding. In the past I did not know how to take care of myself fully. I felt guilty for needing time away and judged myself so harshly. Now I know that it is the best thing for everybody. Being present with my children means I have to take care of myself so that I can be available. I need to schedule time away. I have scheduled some activities for them, joined a pool and plan to keep us busy but also have downtime in our own home. I am recognizing that I have to expend their energy especially Mallory's, and yet keep order. I want them to have fun, but be respectful of me, each other and their surroundings. That's a tall order when you are eight and five. And lessons that have to be repeated over and over again ad nauseum. Being a parent is not for sissies but I LOVE IT. I just can't imagine not having these beautiful children in my life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love seeing the world through their eyes and it is exhilarating when my eyes even with all of my adult worries are childlike again.


Mallory and I recently went to see Toy Story on Ice downtown at the River Center on a Saturday afternoon. There was a lot going on downtown. The Mississippi River is at a record high and we walked to see it from the levee. We walked back and in the middle of the Blues Festival concert, we spotted these ducks in a fountain. It immediately takes me to the book, "Make Way for Ducklings" which was given to us by my sister in law. It's one of our favorites and we even visited the statues dedicated to the book in the Boston Commons on a trip a few years back. And then on Sunday, George and Riley wanted to see the river so we went back again and I was excited to remember to look to see if the ducks were there. And they were! My heart was thrilled to see the Mama duck and the duckling....ducks! I was thrilled to see ducks??!!

To me that it was life is all about now. I am slowly moving away from the material possessions and desires of things. We all need some material stuff to some extent but what makes my heart really full is my family and the ability to have excitement about the simple things.

The Piano

Many moons ago, I was trying to get pregnant. And it was taking a long time. It was a terribly difficult struggle. Lots of waiting, waiting, waiting, day in, month out. Shots, blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds, endlessly frustrating phone calls with insurance companies, doctor's offices. Many, many, many emotions and many, many, many tears. Advice was given to relax, destress... That was when I first tried yoga. I would do anything to become a mother. During this time of trying to destress, George and I decided to buy a piano as I had taken many years when I was younger. In grade school, I enjoyed hours upon hours of playing and singing my heart out. The former joy though never really reoccured during my time of infertility though, I wasn't feeling it.

Yesterday, Riley had her first ever piano lesson. She was the child we finally became pregnant with and carried to term. She is our little miracle. (And Mallory is our natural miracle!) And then as I sat with her to see what she had learned, it hit me that the piano has come full circle. I'm also verklempt that she is starting 2nd grade today and next week, my baby will start Pre-K at the "Big" school. I'm getting pretty sentimental as my 24/7 summer reign ends and I am handing them over to Dunham for several hours a day. I am finally getting some downtime, and some time to go after my own interests.

Riley loved her lesson. She was so excited about practicing. It made me want to play again.

Just one more week

My reign as stay at home mom for the summer is nearing completion. There have been weeks that have flown by and there have been slow weeks. All in all, it has gone by fast. Everyone I talk to is repeating that same sentiment. Yet some days of summer have been really LONG. Yesterday was one of those days.

Riley, Mallory and I spend a lot of time together. The three of us. This week we had no specific camp or activity. I believe Mallory is showing her apprehension to starting big school by needing to know where I am EVERY moment of the day. If I move from the room that I am in, she runs screaming and crying to find me and saying, "Where are you?", "Why did you leave me?" So yesterday we were at home most of the day and if I moved from a room, I had to announce where I was going. Now more than half of the time, she doesn't listen to me because she is involved with something else. She has been attached to me in this way for a few weeks. It came to a head yesterday, when I told her I would be in the kitchen, cleaning. She went to watch a movie in another room and after a few minutes, she came back and checked on me. I had walked into the mudroom which is attached to the kitchen and she pointed to the threshold of the kitchen/mudroom. She was telling me I should have announced that I was going into the mudroom.

OH.... MY.... GOSH!! Could this BE any more annoying??? I guess I need to wear an ankle monitoring bracelet for her. Yet, I can tell how fearful she is. I can tell there is something deeper going on that she has no control over as she is just four and three quarters years old. I hold her and hug her and tell her that I'm not going to leave her. I ask, "Do I ever leave you by yourself?" etc. I try to be reassuring. This doesn't seem to squelch the behavior. I realize it is a phase. A draining phase. I lose my cool every now and then because it goes on ALL DAY LONG from 6-7am to 8pm at night. And then there is the fighting between siblings.

So around 2:30pm, we were coming to a really ugly place and the kids were bored and I was losing my mind and we called GaGa to see if we could resume our original plans of going swimming at her indoor pool. Earlier in the day, it had been black outside and rained something fierce with lightening and thunder, which contributed to Mallory's post Gustav fear of storms and THE clinginess.

Then I went further and had a brilliant idea to see if one of the kids could spend the night with her. It was Riley's turn and we had done this another week when I was at my wit's end and it was BEAUTIFUL. We went and swam, expended some energy and I left Riley. The sisters were ecstatic not to be near each other. I was ecstatic to have some seperation as well. I was getting a break. George got home at a reasonable hour! and I had some downtime. Some beautiful, wonderful, non ankle bracelet wearing time by myself. Namaste.

I can conquer VBS!!

Some aspects of life are becoming easier with all of the work I'm doing and working Vacation Bible School is a signpost. Over the years, I have volunteered in mainly 2 different capacities: as a guide who is responsible for taking the children around to their activities for 3 hours and then the other with helping the children with their craft for 4-5 twenty minute sessions. I analyzed the two jobs to the Nth degree because I had a horrible week of VBS 2 years ago as a guide. I hated every moment of it. I became paranoid and despised the craft people because their job was soooo much easier. I wanted to know how they got that job, who did they sleep with??!!! Yes, I was having a really bad week, a little PMS was going on amongst other things.

It just happened to be unfortunate circumstances, where basically I was left alone with 12-15 first graders and I really didn't like being around kids at the time or know how to entertain them or keep them from misbehaving. My co group leader's child became sick, my one youth worker fell ill, and I was left alone with: boys who were acting up, a boy who was inquisitive and disappeared from the group and a mean girl who made the other girls cry. I didn't have the skills or know what to do.
Flash forward two years later, I volunteered to be a guide again(!) yet requested a younger group. I now know to keep them active and engaged, be firm yet loving. I know to play games. I know to call the active child out and sit by them and give them some attention and discipline even if it is Vacation Bible School. I know to ask for help and keep asking if it doesn't come. Some of this has come with experience but some of it has come about because I am more comfortable in my own skin now. I have moved from feeling like a victim to having a voice and using it assertively.

The biggest signpost to me that I am thinking differently is that I realized...I don't HAVE to work VBS. I have volunteered for 6+ years and I can take a break. That thought had NEVER entered my mind. This is thinking out of the box, finally! My list of "supposed to's" is really being evaluated.

VBS went so much more smoothly this year. Everyone was well, I've got a good group of cadets including my own daughter. My co guide is fantastic! The youth workers are helpful. I know better what to do and maybe our bright safety orange shirts keep me alert! It is exhausting work but I am not feeling overwhelmed and desperate. During the week, I got a babysitter and enjoyed some quiet down time because I needed it. I know how better to take care of myself in order to take care of my children and be able to volunteer for VBS and retain my sanity. I can conquer VBS... or not!!

The Highs and Lows of Summer

It is summer. Deep breath. No school schedule. No homework. No rushing to get out the door to get to school on time. No mandatory uniform washing on the weekend. It also means mosquito bites (which I have about 20 on my lower legs at the moment) and chlorine and my obsession with trying to keep Mallory's hair from being dry and green. There is humidity out the wazoo as well as afternoon rain showers which are a wonderful break from the heat. And again- no school schedule so that means I am chief entertainer, organizer, educator, referee, & nurse. There were three meltdowns yesterday for various and sundry reasons within a 2 hour span and none of them were mine, yet it just hit me that I SHOULD have had one. Why you ask? I realized all of the stress that I was feeling about the kids being off for summer, was misdirected. I was feeling worked up and angry It had much more to do with a major issue that I have been working through for the last months and I hit THE wall on it, and now am truly having to accept it. I had a short ugly cry and the release was immediate. I feel much more capable now to move on and tackle my children head on! For days, I felt this burden in the back of my mind and I needed to release it, I just had to wait until it boiled over.

Wow - such a lesson. Geneen Roth speaks of the pain that we avoid (by eating), that we feel we can't handle. I am going through that pain and it is not easy at all, but is SO necessary and it takes time. I CAN handle it and I am feeling so much more peace. I just need to let it out in safe ways. I feel so much better able to handle life now at this moment. I'm ready to make plans, and stay on top of the chaos which you have to do, to survive summer with young kids.

Country Club A La Golightly

It's been busy, I guess it will always be busy with 2 young children at home. Riley has been sick the last four days - fever and sore throat, so summer started early. We were homebound for four days. I think that is when I decided it WOULD be a good idea to get another above ground pool. We had one for three summers but it was small - 12 feet across and then it died. Riley wasn't that into it by the end of the summer because she wanted to use her new lap skills. And two summers ago, Mallory was not into it at all when Riley wanted to go out. And I thought, let's cut back, there is a lot of maintenance, and supply cost and I don't know if they will use it. And THEN we were stuck at home for four days and it's hot again, South Louisiana humid hot, not even the full throttle sticky hot it will be. So on day 3 of being homebound, I told George I had rethought it and bam, he was out the door to go get one.

He loves the challenge of it. It is a large scale science experiment after all. And now, we have gone saltwater so this is a new twist for him. Yesterday, Riley was feeling better so we tried it out while the pool was still filling. My doubts were vanquished. They loved it and...I did too. We went out at 9am and all day except for a quick trip to Target, we played outside. This one feels much larger, and will take some adusting because it is over Mallory's head but it is not to bad to lay on a raft and float. It's actually quite peaceful if you can ignore the children. I just have to let go of all that needs to be done inside the house. And there is always something that needs to be done. Riley is back at school today for one last full day, a half day tomorrow and then a class party on Wednesday. And then summer is here for real. I'm glad I let my reservations go. I'm glad we have another playing option at home and a way to cool off. Hello Summer! I am embracing you.

I'm surviving summer

Today is July 1 and not quite at the halfway point of the summer but I think I'm going to survive it, maybe I shouldn't say that yet. Riley does not begin 1st grade until August 20 and Mallory's preschool does not begin until after Labor Day, yes Labor Day. The idea of having the children all to myself all summer in the past, well, it scared me tremendously. Now, it just gives me pause, and the stamina to begin planning camps, activities, and summer Mother's Day Out (God Bless summer MDO). Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and that's my job, but have you ever stayed with young children around the clock, day in and day out with a husband (God Bless him) who works all the time. (You know people die if he doesn't show up when the beeper goes off) My charges just whine and cry and think they are going to die, if the goldfish aren't in the bowl fast enough.

I really don't want to say that I'm surviving, out loud, because it may curse it. I think I'm just excited because the family vacation is right around the corner. I will not be alone with my charges for an entire week and by the end, my husband is ALWAYS ready to go back to work and there is a certain sense of validation for me. See this is hard. Cutting people open and keeping them alive, piece of cake!

Vacations are exciting, and exhausting. This one will not be different especially as we are going to pick up and move three times. At least at Disney, we stayed parked in one hotel room the entire time. We all wish for a beach trip, I think the girls are now prime ages to really enjoy that but we are headed to Chicago and then Wisconsin for a family wedding. Chicago is going to be fabulous as there is an American Doll Store, a fantasy land for my eldest daughter, and the reason why she has done chores and behaved reasonably so far this summer. She has seen THE website and seen what she can save her money for while Mom and Dad are buying the doll and paying for lunch.

Now the little one, not so much. She is three, and exerting her independance and also her crankiness when I least expect it especially in the middle of the Bluebonnet library, at least three times now. We didn't do camps when my older daughter was this age, so with each new activity, swim lessons, yoga week, and now cheerleader camp, Mallory announces the week before she does not want to do said activity at all . Do I pay for the said lesson? Will this pass? I will not drag her to swim lessons and create fear as I did Riley at 3 and a half. But so far, she ends up loving whatever it is I'm dragging her to.

I digress. It's July. I'm still standing! I might make it through.