Taking A Break From Therapy But Not Healing

 A Quote from Jeff Brown

“At some point on the journey, you may reach a point where you want to ease the throttle of transformation. Not where you stop growing, but where you stop utilizing your will to affect personal change. You’re still growthful, but it’s different. It’s gentler, and it’s more about accepting what is, than changing it. You reach a place where you are more embracing of who you are, and of how far you have come, and you feel ready to work with what you’ve got. It’s important to notice this moment, if it arrives. Because there is a real peace in that tender self-acceptance. And, ironically, it may ignite the most profound change of all.”

This really resonates at this point in time.  I am taking a break from therapy.  I didn't see this happening, it just dawned on me after a few intense years.  I have been on a mission to heal myself for such a very long time. And prior to the pandemic until about February of this year, I engaged in Internal Family Systems therapy with my long time therapist.  I dug up some of my most intense past experiences, some from childhood, which I had no idea were residing in me and began the process of learning how to soothe myself and those parts.  It was intense, eye opening, exhausting and healing work.  I could be affected for a day or longer.  I have processed so much sadness, anger, and hurt.  

It's not an easy path.

 

It's slow growth.

But I am thrilled that I am still on it.  Every small awareness leads to others down the road. 

The Psalm verse states, "Be still and know that I am God..."  

This is that practice.

Taking a break from actively drawing out pain bodies seems to be my path right now.  I am listening to myself and this is an act of nurturance.  That is a key to my journey now.  Learning to be kind to myself, and determining what is the most loving thing I can do for me. 

"You should love your neighbor as you love yourself..."

I have loathed myself for a large portion of my life.  The thoughts in my head are so cruel.  I see how this verse, really really applies to human nature and to me.  The more we nurture ourself, the more love for others just naturally springs forth. I have felt that so many times and stand in sheer amazement.

Being a human in this world means that every day something is going to come along to process and now I'm practicing what I have learned over the years.  This break from therapy, means process life as it is. So many times during the day, my stomach turns with anxiety.  The goal is to welcome that anxiety and not run from it, not numb it and lovingly BE with it. This takes a lot of practice.  Something that helps is meditation and bit by bit, I am practicing that too.  

One key act of nurturance towards myself is slowing down my yoga practice.  Instead of more intense power yoga, I unconsciously sought out restorative yoga.  I found Nidra Yoga.  And over the course of attending a particular class, the teacher made adjustments and it became more restorative.  For half of the class, we are in savasana listening to the teacher guide us through a loving meditation. During one of the first sessions, as the teacher kindly, lovingly spoke to us and our worth, tears flowed and I knew, finally understood, oh, THIS is what is meant by nurturing myself. This is being kind to myself. Pushing myself to do the intense yoga and hold poses, hurting myself to keep up, is not. 

Being, and taking care of the parts of myself that needed unconditional love in the past is my path forward.  This is reparenting myself:  listening to my divine intuition, paying attention to new awarenesses and recognizing the flow of love inside and outside. 

Namaste. 

New Years Day 2017 - What Does It Mean?

It's a new year!  What does that mean?  What has changed? The ground is still saturated from the rains that lasted all day on New Year's Eve and yesterday. The sun is still not out today and more rain is falling.  So here we are.  A brand spanking new year.  What does it mean?

We rang in the new year quietly.  We had a delicious dinner visiting with George's sister and family from out of town and they headed back to their hotel several hours before midnight.

Riley watched Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve on her own.  Mallory really wanted to stay up so the rest of us watched "Miracles from Heaven" waiting for midnight.  In true fashion, I did fall asleep and make them watch the ending again.  But at 11:55pm, Riley joined us on the couch making our core four celebration and we rang in the New Year together in central standard time.   The ball had already dropped in New York but they dropped a Fleur de Lis live in New Orleans and by 12:02am, we were heading to bed.  Check please!

I'll have to say the first two days of the new year feels sort of empty because it is just the same as the last day of 2016.  It seems as though there is an expectation that is should be brand spanking new!    It is a new year, month, and day and opportunity for a new slate yet the dishes, Legos and laundry are still sitting there waiting.   I gave up resolutions years ago as those don't work.  But what I have learned is that intention is the way to go for me.

Intention has worked for me and I'm not really sure how or why I started I just knew things needed to change.  For one thing, there has to be a very passionate desire to change something.  Intention has been my steely focus on a daily basis on my thoughts (and healing!)  I was very resolute. I haven't been this resolute about anything before.   I didn't start out to be intentional, it just happened along the way... First, I had to become aware that I had negative thoughts that needing changing.  As I woke up to that voice in my head with the runny dialogue I discovered the the story I told myself was "I can't" all the freaking time.  Not a good thing.

After practice, practice, practice, when a negative thought popped in, I take note.  And slowly, I dismantle them.  I ask the critical question, "Is this true?"  Really true?   I used intentionality every day, to change this.  Therapy woke me up but that was just the beginning.  I self taught with many teachers that I listened to, watched videos and read.   Along with intentions, I learned I needed to be in the moment.  Persons like Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav, Michael Singer and Byron Katie.  Anyone who taught about mindfulness.  There's so much to this process of becoming awakened.  More later.

(Jesus' taught this too - the renewing of the mind but that blog will come later.)

This past year, I did not write nearly as much, only 20 blogs, compared to 50-60 in previous years.  I had profound thoughts that came into my mind, but they didn't come through me.    Politics anyone?    I have felt blocked and hindered.  I feel like something is passing me by.  It is not a good thing at all.   I have an intention this year to write and blog more.  I need to process my life this way.  I do not feel like I'm in the flow and may energy is sagging not tuning in to my authenticity.  The older I get, I need to listen to my intuition and do what I know works for me.  Shutting out the assault of politics to my senses is going to be one way to help me stay intentional.   Sitting down for my Spiritual Formation homework is another.  It centers me fairly quickly.  

For me, this new year means zeroing in on intention again.   The intention of listening to my intuition and the God nudges that come in my thoughts.  And putting those down even if they are not perfectly stated.  Now that I have spent quite some time clearing some of the negative ones, the light is coming in.  Alright, 2017 here we go!

Namaste.

Finding My Edge

There comes a point in time, when I have to shut the activities of life down.  One week day morning not long ago, I had several activities on my schedule.  And yet I couldn't stop crying.  I was overwhelmed.  The previous week, there had been emotionally laden issues for me going on in my house with more than one member.  And we had a packed, busy weekend that did not stop.  And I went and I did and then did more because it was a special celebration weekend for my youngest.

And then I couldn't stop crying.  And that still scares me to feel fully that energy of pain that comes my way.

And yet I knew what the solutions were to the issues that were going on in the house.  It would take work, but was nothing that could not be surmounted. But yet I cried and couldn't stop.  And after really hard crying, mental, emotional and physical fatigue sets in.

And it hit me once again,  I cannot go and go and go.  I see other people who do and I think that I should match up to them.  And then I shame myself.  And I don't really know what their story is and it doesn't matter.  I have to BE ME.

I know this about myself.  I am an introvert.  I am an introspective person.  I like to think and write.  And I have to sit still and be quiet for what I am most passionate about to come to me.  My passion lies in stillness.

After the first wave of tears, it took me two hours to realize that I needed to cancel what was on my agenda that day.  Why did it take me that long?  (Beat myself up a little)  This is a busy semester for my Middle School girls:  after school activities, other extracurricular activities, school, and life.  Trying not only to keep up but plan ahead.   George's schedule is also busy most of the time.  I myself signed up for too many studies this semester, but all of them are good for my soul in different ways with different groups of people, so I will do them as I can.  I have to not show up sometimes. I have to take them day by day.  I think badly of myself for not showing up when I said I would.

My yoga teacher talks about the edge in our practice.  It's where you are in a pose and are stretching limbs to the point of tension.  And you have to find that sweet spot, where it's tight and you are feeling the stretch but not too painful.  You are not putting too much pain on your body.

I'm finding that edge in life as I truly find who my authentic Godly self is.  It's a daily practice, to find that sweet spot, but to release a little when it's too painful.  And know that it's okay to release and not to stay in pain when it's really not necessary at all.   No one else but me, knows my sweet spot and I have to stand up for myself.

1.2 Miles Away (My 225 Experience)

As you well know, Alton Sterling was shot and killed by a police officer at the Triple S Food Mart on North Foster in my home city.   I watched the video a few times to see if I could decipher what occurred. Then the next day,  I watched the video of Philando Castile's girlfriend and him bleeding out and dying before my eyes.  I had to detach a bit knowing this was not a movie, this was real.  I don't watch the news anymore because I have learned that it does not serve me well.  It is mostly negative, and I have the tendency to stay in fear and foreboding and scarcity.  I don't want to live in scarcity anymore.

I don't want to discuss what I think of the shootings, because it's just so much more complex than a simple "black and white answer."  It is not cut and dry.  I just know from listening that living in black skin can be a lot more difficult than for most people living in white skin.  I know that racism exists and our community is hurting.

You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

While reading one of my friend's Facebook posts about going to a prayer vigil in a north Baton Rouge church last Thursday night, she described secondhand how much pain the black community was in and there was discussion of whether the white community cared.  This broke my heart.

How do I show I care? What can I do to step out of my South Baton Rouge comfort zone?

This is where I am going to be really honest. Although, there is a desire to show up at a prayer vigil or some sort of protest to say, let's come together, I support you!  I don't think I can.

I have fear.

Growing up and in a very small town, the mentality I developed was if you drive to New Orleans and get out the car, you were going to get shot.  This goes for pretty much any large city.  That is the impression I had and have lived with for most of my life.  Don't drive in the bad parts of town.  For that matter,  when I'm walking the dogs at night in my own neighborhood, I get alarmed when a car drives by and I'm watching closely for something bad to happen.

As I have begun determining what I believe authentically, miraculously at the same time an ease has materialized in my day to day living.  I realize how much anxiety and fear on a daily basis that I lived with.  My mind was constantly afraid of every small action that I needed to take even when I knew what I needed to do, I didn't.  I was afraid to speak up... anywhere.   I was frozen in my tracks for as long as I can remember.  This type of fear has to be taken down bit by bit over time.  Exposure by exposure and by practicing, a lot of practicing.

Sunday morning, I went to my book study at church and one of the suggestions was to do your part where you are, with who was in front of you each day.  And to examine your own beliefs, and where you may be contributing to the problem.

That morning, I learned that the three out of state groups that were scheduled to come and work our church's Revive 225 program this week had cancelled.  Our church was looking for volunteers to do the house repairs of homes that are within a 5 mile radius of our downtown church.  When I met up with my oldest daughter in the church gym, I looked at her without any prior planning and blurted out, "Do you want to work?" intuitively knowing that she would.  Now, in my class the hour before,  I had said out loud to the group, it's over 100 degrees outside, I can't do that, are they crazy?  But what was really going on were the other fears in my mind.  The north Baton Rouge fears... (and the heat too!)

But we signed up anyway.

We signed up on the youth page.  Mallory was enrolled in a morning camp so we could work the morning shift.  Baby steps.  Later on that night, I watched the news just to see what was going on with the protests.  There was a large confrontation between police and protestors with fifty arrests just a few blocks from our church...

But I knew I still wanted to go.

I told myself the protesters who were from mostly out of town, would be leaving.  I was slightly anxious, but the kind that I've worked through before when I step out of my comfort zone.  I awoke early, and worried about driving my car around north Baton Rouge.

But I knew I still wanted to go.

I knew in my gut, all would be well.  We showed up at the first house and worked to remove debris that had been taken down previously.  Our youth director mentioned that we were not that far away from the Triple S.  (Alrighty then.) We went to a second house not far away and picked up more materials. At this point, Riley went with the rest of the youth group to work longer and I stayed behind in order to pick Mal up from her camp.  I went in to the house to see if they needed help. Several church members were removing old ceiling tile and repairing it.  I went to ask the homeowner for a broom.  As I knocked to announce my presence in the room she was in, she got up with the warmest smile and presence and walked across the room with open arms and we hugged.

Those who go with the intention to "help others", end up receiving the blessing.

I didn't know I needed a hug that day, and the homeowner in north Baton Rouge gave it to me.

I didn't stay long, because there wasn't much for me to do, and I went to say bye to the homeowner.  Of course, I forgot her name as I forget everything that I don't type in to Notes these days.  But she remembered mine.

"Bye Miss Carol"

We mutually hugged again.

I feel less scared to go back another time.  Baby steps.

At home that afternoon, I had the addresses in my GPS and I looked up where the Triple S Food Mart was from where we were.  It was 1.2 miles away.

She lived 1.2 miles away from the deadly shooting and I am the one who received the hug.  In actuality, I give myself credit that I immediately put my arms up when I saw her reaction.

Bit by bit, the fear and feelings of scarcity will cease and be overtaken by love.

Listen To Your Intuition Even If You Disappoint Someone Who Came Out Of Your Body

I volunteered to participate in VBS… again.  It's about 10-12 years now.

I didn't want to.   My overriding predominant feeling that was really, really clear to me was that I was done volunteering for VBS.   And it has taken me years to listen to that intuition.  I have written about this topic of VBS before.  There was only one person, maybe two, in my family who wanted me too.

 My eldest daughter said something to the tune of me destroying her life and "you have always volunteered."

I shouldn't do things because other people want me too.  Even the people who came out of my own body.

The dread set in last week.  I have pushed it out of my head all summer but it is upon us.  It starts tomorrow.

DREAD.

This is the opposite of being passionate.

One needs to follow their passion to be fulfilled.

I will put my game face on and do this thing but I'm so biding my time and waiting for this week to be over.  That is now how to live.  I know better than this.  Why do something when you just dread doing it?  There are many other things in life that are necessary that I may not look forward to and need to do. This is not one of them anymore.

Deep Breathing.

I will follow my intuition the next time.

How I Got My Cookie On (My Rookie Year as a Girl Scout Leader)

Last year, I stepped up and out of my comfort zone and led my oldest daughter's Junior Girl Scout Troop.  I had never stepped up to lead anything in my life except to be a guide in VBS and it took me years to learn how to do that comfortably.

I NEVER LED ANYTHING.
EVER.

I learned a lot about myself during this year.  It was a transformative year of growth which was anxiety provoking, painful and frustrating yet pushed me to do things that I was very much capable of.  The person who I thought was going to be an active co-leader with me, was not.  It took about 2 months of waiting for her to call, email, and text me back to realize, she wasn't going to be as active as I had anticipated.  I was very angry at the situation, but knew someone had to lead and that someone was me.

So I learned how to lead over time, sometimes painstakingly.  There were lots of uncomfortable moments and sometimes hours.  But I did it!

Girl Scouts requires lots of paperwork. LOTS! I learned to stand up and speak.  I learned the art of communication with parents to get what I needed. I learned how to set up a Sign Up Genius Account. I learned that the Girl Scout organization responds better to emails than phone calls.  I learned that the Scouts I led did not want to take the 5 Girl Scout steps and "talk something out" to earn a badge.  Fourth and Fifth graders just want to have fun. They want to be hands on.

I learned.

I learned that people love Girl Scout Cookies and selling them is really no big deal.  I learned to listen to my intuition.  I learned that the child who annoys me the most is the one that I can learn the most from.  I learned even if you accidentally put all of your paperwork (including signed parental forms and uncashed checks) in the recycling, you can recover.  It is just a blip.  And I learned there is no Girl Scout Police.  I can break the rules including moving the Cookie Booth to a better location so that we sell more cookies.

So yesterday, I had to finish putting Riley's badges on her Junior sash. She could care less but I am proud of each of these badges.  I earned every one of them!!  I am proud of them.

And now I am co-leading Mallory's Brownie troop.

But after this year, no more.  The learning needs to be in a different area!

Nervouscited

Thank you Mallory for the word and blog title.  This is her word for the first day of school.  And mine too!

As a stay at home mom, the beginning of a school year, brings up all kind of emotions.  I spend a good portion of the summer adjusting to them being at home full-time.    Spending 24-7 is quite the challenge and we spend a lot of time together as a family, especially just the three of us during the summer.   No one goes to camp, no one goes to Grandmas.  They don't have playdates down the street.  It is the three of us, 24-7.  As sisters, they have beautiful time playing together and then the ugly time of sibling rivalry and fighting.  They are both going through new phases.  Mallory is wanting more independence and getting better at demanding more of me which I need to give to her.  Riley is knee deep in pre-teen mode, and her own independence but still demanding more of me as she has done since birth.  Both of them are tackling new challenges at school, which they are excited about.  We will take each day, one day at a time.

On this day and prior to it, I get sad, and think of the summer activities we didn't get to do and it's over.  We only went swimming twice to our club pool.  That's a travesty.  There will be no more big volunteer work for me during the summer!  Challenges are good but this summer was too busy.    I will miss the girls while they are at school, but then on the other hand am so relieved to take a deep breath and soak up the quiet of the house.   I need this quiet so much to recharge.

Practicing Self Love One Leadership Role At A Time

I have been volunteering to lead things.

Yes, really.

This is new territory for me.

Last week,  I was the co-leader for the craft activity for 350 kids during our week long Vacation Bible School at church.  This step has been years in the making.  To others around me, I can tell, it's no big deal.  And in some ways, it really isn't.  Except this was me in a leadership capacity, I NEVER EVER saw myself doing.

Progressing in my shift from fear to love, one of the things that I have learned, is that it is a very slow journey.  And progress is seen, after the fact.  What I noticed this week, is that I rolled with things that were uncomfortable for me.  There were problems and imperfections that would have thrown me into a huge tailspin in the past.   As I wouldn't speak up in the past, acting on my intuition is new territory.   I enjoyed seeing the needs, acting on what needed to be done and watching my directive occur.

 I like working with adults more than children.  It's just a fact and my truth.  I enjoyed chatting with my adult volunteers.  The thought of going back to be a guide leading kids is not appealing at all.  And I've been in a few capacities during VBS for the last 10 years.

After I came home each day last week and the adrenalin slowed, I was utterly exhausted.   During the week,  I took to my bed as much as I could around the needs of my children.  I know that there is no doubt, I am an introvert.  I'm a friendly introvert, but social interactions, leave me drained.  I can only recharge by being alone and doing absolutely nothing.  No internet, no tv, and no talking, just solitude.  When I'm exhausted, I eat as it feels that I will never have energy again.  This particular feeling appears to be a difficult one for me to overcome.  There are so many times that I am tired.  But, this also gives me more time to practice, right?! {smile}   I use to question, why, why am I so tired?  And I would think no one else in the world is tired like you.  I judged myself unmercifully.   I have learned not to question it anymore, it just is.  And I have to not beat myself up about the overeating.  Self-love is the only way out of this and as I have read and listened to experts in the field of compulsiveness, I need to be curious about the behavior, not judgmental.

I am doing things I never thought I could do.  And it takes practice.  This is my written reminder to practice self-love.

A few weeks back, after I lead a week of Mission Day Camp with the kids, I ran into our Spiritual Formation Director and I said working with kids really wasn't my thing.  She said there was a need for adult teachers in several studies...

This seems very, very appealing.  I get excited about that.  I may be on to something.  And all of this practice in other areas that didn't necessarily excite me has been laying a groundwork to step out in areas that do follow my passion.

Namaste.

"It's Their Problem, Not Yours"

I'm so ecstatic, I had an aha moment.  You see the kids are home for summer and it's been all maintenance, no preventative work! There has been no time for thinking, writing or aha moments.  But I watched just a few moments of actress Diahann Carroll on Oprah's Master Class and I was reminded of a fact.

Oh no, I just lost it...

Wait its back.  Okay- here goes.

Diahann described how on a train ride in DC when she was a young girl, she and her mother had to get up and move 2 cars down because the one they were in, was determined to no longer be integrated.  It blew her away that in the nation's capital, this discrimination would exist.  Her mother told her "it's their problem, not yours."  She went on to say that there was something wrong in their lives that they have decided to interpret it in terms of race.

This just struck a nerve in me.  Her mother was brilliant to tell her that it had nothing to do with her. Most people's actions towards me are about their internal struggles and it's really not about me.   I thought of the struggles I have internalized so deeply worrying about what other people thought and inferred that I was less than  (and this was not to the serious level of blatant racial discrimination)   For the majority of my life thus far,  I have thought so negatively about myself.  I don't feel this way any more but certain thoughts linger and pop up from time to time.  But this sound bite of Diahann Carrol's story reminded me of it.

And then there is this little golden nugget from Pastor Rick Warren: "If you live for the approval of others, you will die by their rejection." 


Hmmm.  Good stuff.

He also said the two biggest reasons people do not fulfill their purpose are envy and people pleasing.  Envy: I must be like you to be happy.  People Pleasing: I must be liked by you to be happy.
If you spend time trying to be like someone or trying to be liked, you will miss God's purpose for your life.

You cannot make other people happy.   They have to do it for themselves.  Just like I cannot wait around for others to make me happy from... Carolyn Golightly. 

This ties in with another aha I did have, I did have one last week via a FB friend!  She suggested a chapter in the Cheryl Richardson book, "The Art of Extreme Self Care."  I have been having a hard time adjusting to the summer schedule and was feeling overwhelmed.  Normally I would have to come up with reasons why I was feeling this way.  I would have to legitimize it.  I knew instinctively I don't have to legitimize it anymore, I just need to take care of myself because I am overwhelmed.  My friend told me about Chapter 3, which is entitled, "Let Me Disappoint You."  I just started giggling because the tune of "Let me entertain you" popped up.  Those around us will be disappointed and that is o-kay.  It is hard for the recovering people pleaser in me yet I truly see the need for boundaries.

I need to take care of myself all the time even before the overwhelming feelings but it has not been natural to do so.  Yet, I am practicing, practicing.  I practiced this morning and it seemed to be no big deal to the other person.  I knew I had to listen to my own intuition and what was best for me.  

(And on a cool note: I saw Diahann Carroll in a live production of "Sunset Boulevard" in Toronto years ago.)

Letting Go and Holding On

Two weeks ago, Mallory was home sick with a fever and a sore throat.  She loves to languish in our new tub and watch the Disney Channel for as long as she can.  While she was in there, we went through her "tub toys" to declutter.  Sometimes there are items that I am secretly relieved that she doesn't want to get rid of but this time she was ready for these Disney Princess figurines to go.

I'm not ready to let them go.

GaGa bought these for her on our first family trip to Disney in 2009.  Mallory was feeling sick the first day and she played with these for hours at the hotel room.

I am not especially fond of the message of the Disney princess story lines with the exception of the last two movies.

So why I am attached to this plastic figurines?  For the moment, they represent what GaGa did with us and for us.  She was an active part of our family, and knew how to entertain a three year old.  She got on the floor and played.  She was up for most anything.

I miss her.  I had a really good cry last week because it was the first Grandparent's chapel at the girls' school without her being alive.  It hit me after I dropped them off that day and there was so much excitement and bustling going on.  I wept and then it passed.

I use to believe that the passing of someone was insurmountable.  I am beginning to understand they are still with you and show up to make their presence known and I believe if you pay attention you can be comforted by that.  My sister in law is pregnant and due soon with their first and most long awaited for child.

I feel GaGa all over that.

Alone But Not Lonely

My last post about something "Big" was about finding my sense of self.  The above statement is so critically important to my sense of self.

I ate my feelings so I did not have to feel them.  I learned early on that my feelings were not acceptable so I avoided them at all costs.  This included sadness, fear, anxiety and joy as well.  When I started trying to feel them, I did not want to be alone with them.   It is the most uncomfortable practice to learn how to feel what you have stuffed for years and years.

I thought I HAD to have someone to talk to through the feelings.  Yet this can inhibit the process of allowing them through (with kindness.)  You can get bogged down in them and sometimes trying to be right when talking to someone else.  Finding out what touches a nerve in me especially with friends and family is usually the BEST way into a big aha of understanding about myself.   Because YOU CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE and there are life situations that you can't change.

So, I am learning to handle the feelings (of a "garden variety") on my own.  It is very helpful to talk about them afterwards but I have found that if I tackle them alone (with kindness), they flow better.

It doesn't have to feel lonely though.  When you have yourself and you trust yourself and your intuition, you find people along the way who "get" you and your journey.

Oh and I have also found my higher power along the way...  Breaking down my baggage, I  have let  God come in.  Not that scary judging fearful God I grew up with but the presence of love that has surprised me again and again.  Have I told you lately how freeing that is?

Leaning Back

I had an aha experience while a "discussion"was going on.  George and I were having a disagreement and I utterly emotionally detached from it but remained completely in it.  I kept thinking to myself, I'm not getting upset, I'm not getting mad, how is this happening?   I can get really heated and yell and curse (sometimes) in an argument but in this one, when he raised his voice, I didn't match it.  Normally, a raised voice pushes every one of my buttons but this time, I stayed calm.  I was just aware of what was going on.

We discussed it briefly later in the day calmly and came to agreements about how we react to situations and each other.  It was a peaceful resolution.  I love that this is our work in progress.  We communicate and discuss our feelings and we listen to each other.

The below video is fantastic!  It describes the process so well.  I love, love, love the description of leaning back - does he even say that or is that how I picture it.  It is to me the full representation of having boundaries.  God bless boundaries!

In the still and quiet, there is God and that intuition comes forth and gives direction.  Good, good stuff.

This is Michael Singer on Super Soul Sunday on OWN channel.  His book is "The Untethered Soul"  I haven't read it but of course, own it and what he has said in interviews has resonated deeply with me.  I can only watch so much and then I take the time to absorb it.  Good, good stuff!

Time to get wet again

This morning in a completely unplanned manner, I took a big step for me. I have begun testing the waters to start training to participate in Rocketchix again. A mini triathlon for women and it is in mid April. It was hanging over me that I needed to get in the water and start swimming laps. I have been walking, breaking into a slow jog and riding my bike so I called the YMCA, booked a lane in the indoor pool and shot over there within 15 minutes. I ripped the band aid off. I swam at least 300 meters, because I lose track and my breath. Swimming kicks my behind yet feels so good! It's not pretty but I do it. The lifeguard was nice and I inquired about stroke instruction, and he suggested a website for improvement. I reserved more swim time and now I'm off. It feels so good.

I came home and realized that the twelve week training period starts this week, somehow my intuition knew that and pushed me out of the door!

Let's Uncomplicate Life

Why Complicate Life?

Missing Somebody?.....Call

Wanna Meet up?.....Invite

Wanna Be Understand?.....Explain

Have Questions?......Ask

Don't Like Something?.....Say it

Like Something?.....State it

Want Something?.....Ask for it

Love Someone?.....Tell it

I found this on FB. It is so simple yet throughout my life I did not know that I can do each of these things. I didn't know I did not have a voice, I did not know that I needed to do these things to feel fulfilled and have more peace. I have started listening to my intuition and now that I know I am capable....

The ones that are especially hard are stating when I don't like things, asking for things I want and it all depends on whom I'm asking and what I think they are use to hearing from me. Changing things up is difficult, it is uncomfortable, and the response may not be favorable but living authentically is. I never thought I was a people pleaser but that is what awareness and clarity are for.

Telling someone you love them is hard, not with the young ones but with the older ones especially when you never heard it growing up. All of these behaviors are conditioned. Bit by slow bit, I'm learning to push through to change them.

Here's to uncomplicating life!!

Happy New Years 2012!!

2011 is coming to an end and it has been all over the place. Highs and lows and I'm learning to be present in the moment, feeling my feelings whether I like them or they scare me or not. Nurturance right now is my key especially with GaGa's condition.

Yesterday, I did some things that helped move me along my journey, with slight risk. I listened to my intuition and decided to attend a neighborly coffee that I was invited to thus canceling my massage appointment (known nurturance.) I had hired a babysitter because George was on call and I knew I needed some down time to myself with the girls out of school. The invitation was to an annual Christmas Coffee and it spoke of enjoying the "BALM" and a friend sharing inspirational thoughts of this wonderful season! Well, that scared me. What does BALM mean? All of my fundamentalist baggage hairs were raised. I am scared to be around people who spout "Jesus talk" and it is not because I don't believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I just like action instead of words. And the more words I hear of a certain tone, it feels like it is for show. I'm beginning to understand that we all have baggage and it manifests in different ways. The "Jesus talkers" probably never heard much about Jesus growing up so they spout it to make sure everyone is able to hear it. I heard it too much in ways that scared me and instilled fear.

Well, the first thing I did was call the hostess to inquire. I would have never done this in the past, I would just not have gone. It ends up that I had had contact with this person a few random times, and I finally figured out exactly who she was and she lives several houses down ON MY street. After, talking with her, I knew I should go.

There were several other ladies from my children's school. I walked in and immediately knew several people. The BALM talk was exactly what I needed to hear. The speaker was an Licensed Professional Counselor which is what I used to be and still am at heart I am realizing. The talk was funny and was all about nurturing one's self. It's looks like this was the <------- best decision by that smile.

Upon greeting a Dunham acquaintance , she inquired how was Christmas? I was too honest and knew I had overdone it. So later, I took another risk and went back and told her what was going on in a more appropriate manner and she understood. Later, she posted a message to me on FB which was a little love tap and I hold those dear to my heart.

Running some errands which included a stop to get Lady GaGa's latest CD, I ran into "my" Physics professor. On New Year's Eve, I knew this was a sign from the universe for the new year! I ran and gave him a hug and he was happy to see me and I him.

This was the song of GaGa's that I had really been wanting to be able to listen to in my car on demand. God makes no mistakes. We are all superstars. I needed to be able to hear the non-chipmunk version even though hearing a Chipette say boudoir makes me smile!!

Best wishes for 2012 to you, loyal reader!

Joe Paterno and Kim Kardashian

I roll my eyes at the power of football. Though I have been to Tiger Stadium and felt it and appreciated it. I know that college football supports a university and all of it's other educational programs as well as the local economy. But the behaviors that are accepted in the name of football really make me sad.

FB is a breeding ground for me to see other's opinions that I do not agree with. And what amazes me is that some people just throw it out there with apparently no thought worrying what others will think. And that is a fairly new skill set for me and I'm still working on it. What do I believe strongly enough in so that if I put it out there in cyberspace, will I absolutley sleep at night, because I have had trouble with that lately. Assertive, schmertive, I need my sleept these days.

Someone commented about how they felt sorry for and also appreciated Joe Paterno and his forty years of coaching for those like her who enjoy watching football. Ewww! I didn't respond but have taken to the blog. What about the children and families who were allegedly abused and who were turned away? Abuse on top of abuse for them and the fact that the alleged abuser could then continue? Paterno admits he felt he should have done more and regrets that. He should have listened to his gut and that is what I'm talking about, not who is to blame in this sad, sad situation.

I wanted LSU to beat Alabama really badly on Saturday night. I will admit that. But we make and I will say we, make heroes out of people who are not. Sports figures and coaches are people with a certain skill set that our society is enthralled with. One of my weaknesses would be actors and actresses, entertainers. But in the last years I have learned to take everyone off of their pedestal and I mean EVERYONE.

I love watching indepth celebrity interviews because those are the ones when I learn they are just people and have issues just like everyone else. And sometimes, I can actually learn something from them. You can read Kim Kardashian the riot act right now but in the end, she is just a girl who thinks she wanted to be married and have kids and she just doesn't know the way to go about doing it, her mother and her are more concerned with branding. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because there was no criminal misconduct. She is learning a big life lesson and so is Joe Paterno, hopefully.

And in God's eyes we are all equal, we are all his children. It doesn't matter that he coached football excellently for forty years or that she made a sex tape. I think God cares equally that neither of them listened to their gut. He hopes for the best for all of us.

And I think God hopes that we listen to our intuition, it is God talking to us anyway.

I was going to end it there but then I saw the media coverage this morning, and it was revolting.

When Paterno said to the news reporter at his house after being fired, "...I'm out of it maybe..." That little word, maybe, tacked on to his sentence showed his ego roaring. He is FIRED and still doesn't think he's gone. He has been in power way too long. Wow. The ego is a very powerful part of our minds. Joe's has been built up for years as the "god" of Penn State. We should put no one on pedestals. I continue to learn that lesson. It's a good one.

Dreams

I happened to turn on Piers Morgan Friday night and Susan Boyle was on and I decided to listen to what she was going to sing. I've never bought any album of hers or downloaded any songs but the little voice said watch it and I'm learning to roll with those little small nudges. I find that there are no coincidences lately.

Susan began belting out "Both Sides Now" and the hairs began to rise on my body. But what the heck does this song mean? I'm fairly exhausted due to too many activities over the last 2 weeks and my brain feels foggy. I google the lyrics and then have to look up someone else's interpretation because just as in Freshman English Literature class, I have no idea what the writer was talking about and this case it is Joni Mitchell.

The interpretations gave me chills again. (No coincidences! Listen to my gut!) Looking at life from both sides now, as a child and as an adult, life doesn't make sense. Life IS a mystery. The more I journey I acknowledge God's presence much more often than I use to and I choose to think of it as the Holy Spirit around me.

(An aside, the description of looking at both sides reminds me of Richard Rohr and his two halves of life which I would reference but I am too tired to look it up)

Also, I feel some friendships fade away and others take their place and it's better to roll with it rather than fighting it like I use to. I appreciate the old friendships for what they were and how long they lasted and celebrate the new. And, I have learned to say I love you right OUT LOUD. Expressing one's feelings is risky but connecting to those we love and who are able to reciprocate is a precious, precious gift.

Awkward transition... Back to Susan Boyle and her story which is quite remarkable. Her 2009 appearance on "Britain's Got Talent" and watching Simon Cowell's jaw drop and eyebrows raise was spectacular. (I tried to post but it was not available.) She was forty seven years old. Dreams can still come true to those who need more time to percolate. And she had chutzpah to stand on that stage in the beginning of the song as they were rolling their eyes at her. She was so brave and then she nailed it, with everything she had.

I am old enough to remember hearing Judy Collins' version of "Both Sides Now" and connecting to it long ago but I had no idea what it was speaking of, the melody was just beguiling. But Susan Boyle's slow version stands out to me now. Her Scottish accent is so thick to me I can barely understand what she is saying but when she sings, it is crystal clear. It seems magical to me when that happens for her and others. I wish that magic happened to my voice!

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell, 1969

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds * that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

A First World Problem

I have a bookshelf next to my bed, it's a comfort to me. And I have magazines piled on top of the bookshelf gathering dust and cluttering. This is not a comfort. I have known for a few years now that if I don't read the magazine when it first comes through the door, it is not going to be read. Even with that bit of knowledge, I don't act on cancelling the subscriptions or getting rid of the issues in a timely manner. Why?

I have new cleaning ladies coming in this week for the first time in a few months. So I am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, trying to get EVERYTHING picked up. And this is how it goes....

I walk into the laundry room to put batteries in a toy for Mallory who is sick at home. I see the cat litter box needs cleaning and make a mental note. I look in the washing machine and there are wet clean clothes. I open the dryer and see dry wrinkled clothes so I turn on the steam cycle. I walk back to the kitchen to wash dishes and Mallory asks me for the toy I put down in the laundry room with the new batteries. I go back to get it and the timer has gone off on the dryer, and then I see the towels that need to be washed. And Mallory has a food request which I take care of and then see the dirty dishes. I remember the clothes that are warm and walk and sit down in my bedroom to fold what was in the dryer and flip on the television which reminds of something to look up on the internet, which I do. And then I go back to the clothes and notice the pile of magazines on top of my bookshelf. This goes on and on and I am mentally worn out.

And I get it, I have to stay on task, and it seems like my anxiety of getting "everything" done works itself out by me running around like that chicken without a head. First of all, I shouldn't be doing the laundry because the laundry has nothing to do with the house being picked up for them to clean. Secondly, I need to pick one room at a time and focus (except for Mallory's needs). So yesterday, I look at the pile of magazines and they are so appealing.

The titles call to me, "Spring Cleaning Shortcuts", "Organizing Solutions for Every Room" "Energize your Life" I love the IDEA of them. The titles CALL out to me. But the magazines lie around and cause me stress. And then when I do work to get rid of them it is in a PERFECT way... First, I must donate them so somebody else can gain benefit from reading them. I choose which ones I can part with, then ask Riley to black out our address, then bring them to George's attention in a pile so that he can bring them to the hospital waiting room.

Why does it have to be so perfectly handled?

Looking at the title, "organizing solutions" I thought... my freaking solution is to dump these directly in the recycle bin and cut out all of the other steps, which is... what... I... did. And it felt good. With some hesitation that I am missing out on some information in those magazines. And I ponder on the idea some more. My answers are not in these magazines. I did stop and glance at the one article that I'm holding onto the magazine for and it tells me nothing new. It's not like I can't find the information somewhere else or on the internet when I really need it. I've already listened to the experts, I've watched Peter Walsh, I've watched Clean House. I just need to get "the stuff" out of my house AND not bring any more in.

But boiling it all down, the answer is in me. I'm looking towards these experts and the external when the answers are internal. I'm putting my faith in some expert out "there" instead of myself. I am just learning to trust my instinct the last few years and getting rid of all of the "should's", "supposed to's" and other faulty logic. The answers have been within me all along. I am trusting myself more and more and the distracting unproductive thoughts are falling by the wayside. And the more I trust me, the more I can focus to think out of the box and find new ways to handle old problems.

(The title is thanks to my good friend who uses this term when our problems are not the basics like food, shelter, running water, etc.)