New Years Day 2017 - What Does It Mean?

It's a new year!  What does that mean?  What has changed? The ground is still saturated from the rains that lasted all day on New Year's Eve and yesterday. The sun is still not out today and more rain is falling.  So here we are.  A brand spanking new year.  What does it mean?

We rang in the new year quietly.  We had a delicious dinner visiting with George's sister and family from out of town and they headed back to their hotel several hours before midnight.

Riley watched Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve on her own.  Mallory really wanted to stay up so the rest of us watched "Miracles from Heaven" waiting for midnight.  In true fashion, I did fall asleep and make them watch the ending again.  But at 11:55pm, Riley joined us on the couch making our core four celebration and we rang in the New Year together in central standard time.   The ball had already dropped in New York but they dropped a Fleur de Lis live in New Orleans and by 12:02am, we were heading to bed.  Check please!

I'll have to say the first two days of the new year feels sort of empty because it is just the same as the last day of 2016.  It seems as though there is an expectation that is should be brand spanking new!    It is a new year, month, and day and opportunity for a new slate yet the dishes, Legos and laundry are still sitting there waiting.   I gave up resolutions years ago as those don't work.  But what I have learned is that intention is the way to go for me.

Intention has worked for me and I'm not really sure how or why I started I just knew things needed to change.  For one thing, there has to be a very passionate desire to change something.  Intention has been my steely focus on a daily basis on my thoughts (and healing!)  I was very resolute. I haven't been this resolute about anything before.   I didn't start out to be intentional, it just happened along the way... First, I had to become aware that I had negative thoughts that needing changing.  As I woke up to that voice in my head with the runny dialogue I discovered the the story I told myself was "I can't" all the freaking time.  Not a good thing.

After practice, practice, practice, when a negative thought popped in, I take note.  And slowly, I dismantle them.  I ask the critical question, "Is this true?"  Really true?   I used intentionality every day, to change this.  Therapy woke me up but that was just the beginning.  I self taught with many teachers that I listened to, watched videos and read.   Along with intentions, I learned I needed to be in the moment.  Persons like Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav, Michael Singer and Byron Katie.  Anyone who taught about mindfulness.  There's so much to this process of becoming awakened.  More later.

(Jesus' taught this too - the renewing of the mind but that blog will come later.)

This past year, I did not write nearly as much, only 20 blogs, compared to 50-60 in previous years.  I had profound thoughts that came into my mind, but they didn't come through me.    Politics anyone?    I have felt blocked and hindered.  I feel like something is passing me by.  It is not a good thing at all.   I have an intention this year to write and blog more.  I need to process my life this way.  I do not feel like I'm in the flow and may energy is sagging not tuning in to my authenticity.  The older I get, I need to listen to my intuition and do what I know works for me.  Shutting out the assault of politics to my senses is going to be one way to help me stay intentional.   Sitting down for my Spiritual Formation homework is another.  It centers me fairly quickly.  

For me, this new year means zeroing in on intention again.   The intention of listening to my intuition and the God nudges that come in my thoughts.  And putting those down even if they are not perfectly stated.  Now that I have spent quite some time clearing some of the negative ones, the light is coming in.  Alright, 2017 here we go!

Namaste.

Learning to Live with The Energy: Donald Trump, Susan Boyle and Christmas

Over the last 7-8 years, I have taught myself how to feel my feelings again.   The years during infertility and especially postpartum depression really affected me.  I cried so much during that period of time, it was exhausting and I recall the despair very easily. I did not want to go down that rabbit hole of darkness and despondency ever again.

When I showed up in therapy (to lose weight) (smile),  I didn't know that I had made an unconscious decision not to cry anymore.  I learned over the next few months and years, that wasn't a good move.  It was protective, but not healthy for my soul at all.  Most of our society runs from it's feelings and compulsively avoids them at all costs.  It runs the gamut:  alcohol, shopping, religion, sports, legal and illegal drugs, food, cleaning, hoarding, perfectionism of anything, and the latest one, electronic devices which are all used to avoid the energy that is part of life.

How many times have you heard that it is a bad thing to cry?  "I'm sorry I made you cry." "Please don't cry."

I am learning to make friends with that energy that comes my way naturally every day.  And make friends with all of it including the so called negative emotions of anxiety, grief, fear and sadness.  As well as the "positive" ones: joy, laughter, and fun.  It was most surprising to me that when you block feelings and stay numb, you block all of them even the "good" ones.

I have had to learn how to have fun, be playful again because having fun made me extremely uncomfortable too.

Seriously.

Life is full of despair.  It will come again.  That is guaranteed.  As does the joy.

In therapy, I lost my religion, gained a loving relationship with God and most importantly learned to let go of fear (what I was running from avoiding the feelings) and embrace LOVE.  Hence, the title of my blog.

It takes so much practice though.  And it's very uncomfortable in the beginning and at times, I still freeze up.

But life will give you practice.

Death, Sickness, Terrorism, Donald Trump for President.  (grin)

In decorating for Christmas, thoughts turn to my mother in law.  She loved Christmas especially knick knacks.  We went through more of her belongings this past weekend and let go of more Christmas knick knacks.  As we played holiday tunes on the way to school this morning, I had a thought that I should have held on to some of those knick knacks.

Yet, I hate knick knacks.

So as I was cleaning up, I felt myself in that most uncomfortable place of sadness sitting on my chest.  How do I let it flow?  Hmmm.  I had pulled out Christmas CD's the night before. What music will make me cry?

I put on Susan Boyle and listened to "Perfect Day" which did the trick.

"Oh, it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you"

The tears fell.  I felt like Ga Ga was with me.  And she was.

And the energy has passed for now.

Some more will come again.  That is life.

Namaste.

Inside Out

I saw Inside Out yesterday afternoon with my girls.  I had really been looking forward to it as the movie is about emotions.   Yes, emotions! The characters names are emotions!! Really.   How much more could this appeal to me?  The central character was an eleven year old named Riley.  

Seriously! 

 I laughed, and I felt like I had to cry but couldn't.  I still feel blocked up about that.  I have been studying emotions for the better part of my entire life.  I've always been an observer.  Getting a Masters' degree in Counseling was just the beginning of my formal training.  I'm sure that it began earlier than that, in childhood.  Now, the last 7-8 years I've really been concentrating by using therapy, life occurrences and a passion to understand feelings.  Infertility and postpartum depression blew me away.   I felt so lost and alone.   Therapy helped me to begin to understand what was going on and to heal. 

Along the way, these are the issues that I have delved into head first:  dieting and exercise, eating disorders, compulsions, codependency, spirituality, religion, The Twelve Steps, mindfulness, perfectionism, self-esteem, forgiveness, acceptance, dying, and grief.  One has led into another and my life has opened up beyond measure.

But yet still I hide.  I feel like I hide. 

There are so many thoughts I have and I have spent so much time studying and learning, yet still I think I don't know enough.  I will always be a life long student but I do know some things.  I don't give myself enough credit.  

I am still afraid to tell what I really believe.  

I think one of the reasons that I do, is because I still label myself overweight in my head.  Because I have not attained perfection in my body size that discounts all of the thoughts in my head, my life experience, and the intensive study I have undertaken. 

So I still have low self esteem.  {chuckling}

I don't know what it is. But I feel like breaking out of this.   This coming school year I have less on my plate - less volunteering with things I felt I had to do.  There will still be volunteering just in another capacity - with less planning on my end.  I am currently feeling passionate about the following things: getting my house in order (clearing the way for a cleaner vision), practicing yoga, and planning time with my friends.  

Oh, and running a household and raising two daughters.  One being a teenager very, very soon.

I just can't sit around and wait for the phone to ring.  I have to get off my tuckus and initiate things myself.  

Here goes.

Namaste.

Another Way To Be

I have been transitioning to a new thought process.  It's been a big freaking fundamental change for me.  I know I've written about it before and the longer I practice it sets in more deeply and I think - Wow - this is the bomb!  (I really can't let go of the 80's…)   I keep chipping away and extinguishing the negative self-talk and thoughts bit by bit.  You know the running commentary that goes on in your head while you are awake. The thoughts I have been working towards are definitely so much brighter than those that went through my head during the first forty years of my life.  These two mantras help.

Here goes:

Everything is going to be alright.

All will be well, even if it's not.

These are simple phrases. But over the last six years, I have been leaning in to them and learning to live in that way.  It's not a simple process to do.  It requires a lot of intentionality each day, sometimes hourly and some days the work is done minute to minute.  It required digging into all my old baggage and wounds that I carried.  We all carry some.    This is where a therapist comes in handy especially depending on the level of the wounding.   I remember a 2-3 month period where I really felt unloved and just had to hold on for dear life.  But slowly the tide changed, and I began accepting things bit by bit over time, left and right about people in my life and especially about me.  I learned that some people just love poorly.

Now, when an event, feeling or energy comes that I find uncomfortable or unwanted or unliked.  I don't fight it, I sit with it and watch it go.  Being curious instead of resistant allows it to flow through.  And I learned something very, very, very important and very, very, very necessary.  Boundaries.  Don't leave home without them.  Don't be without them. Period.

It means also, that I feel my feelings all day long.  And they come and go and I am less fearful of them.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I cry and am joyful much more easily and I numb myself less.  (Our society numbs itself in so many ways - the list is endless)

And I live in the moment much more than I ever did.  It's a good and beautiful thing to live in the moment because not only do you experience the unpleasant but the joyful, fun ones too.  Some days, as corny as it sounds, hearing birds tweet is a beautiful thing.  It pushes me to gratitude.  And gratitude is a far more wonderful place to dwell than victimhood.

It is a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life.  Wounds still come up and they always will. But this is a much preferred way to live.

So
much
less
anxiety.

I did not realize how much anxiety I lived with on a daily basis.  And until I began to free myself, did I know there was another way to be.

Namaste.

Contemplation as Divine Therapy!

From Richard Rohr's daily Meditation today:
I have heard it said that the gaze of delight between a mother and the baby at her breast is the beginning of the capacity for intimate relationship. We spend the rest of our lives hoping for that moment again: that kind of safety; that kind of security; that kind of feeding; that kind of living inside of one world, where we are delighted in and loved. That is the True Self. Perhaps the most perfect image of this we can find is the Madonna with the Baby Jesus. This is the most common painting in Western art museums, I am told, probably because there is absolute wholeness mirrored in the gaze of love between mother and child. As Jung said, we paint the images our soul needs to see.

We also become the God we connect with. That’s why it’s so important to know the true God, and not some little, punitive, toxic god, because then you don’t grow up, but live in fear and pretense. Contemplation, as Thomas Keating says, is the divine therapy. We know God and we know ourselves by inner prayer journeys and not by merely believing in doctrines or living inside of church structures. God’s way of dealing with us becomes our way of dealing with life and others. We eventually love others, quite simply, as we have allowed God to love us, which should create quite a loving world.

From Carolyn:
Wowza, the last paragraph speaks, actually sings to me, so very much!

"Contemplation is the DIVINE THERAPY.  We know God and ourselves by our inner prayer journey and not by doctrines…"  

I am learning to live into this and these words are so powerful and true for me.  God was so far away and judgmental for so many years even though I was in the church all of my life but now I'm experiencing love in a whole new way.  Therapy actually led me to God.

 "God's way of dealing with us becomes our way of dealing with life and others."  And until we fully believe how much God (or Higher Power) loves us and we open ourselves to seeing that, we then are able to give it away.  It's not even hard to give it away, it just comes bursting out as something that you have to do.  It's a way of life.

Namaste.

I've Got Other Things to Think About...

At the end of last week, I was down on myself.  These spiraling thoughts come and it seems like I can't stop them and it feels like they will never go away.  It's about weight and size and while I'm in the middle of it, it feels like the end of the world.  And then sadness sets in.  And I want to fight to get out of this SO much.  Yet "fighting" it just prolongs the temporarily massively uncomfortable feelings.

As I drove to my therapist's office for my regular scheduled appointment, I felt the heaviness that something needed to be expressed but I wasn't exactly sure what it was. I bring up the body image feelings going on, and I'm advised that there must be a disconnect going on.  A disconnect as in,  all is not well with my soul, (or my sense that on a general level I'm o-kay).  When this disconnect occurs the first place that I attack is ME and I start JUDGING myself unmercifully!
I watch a tv show and think, wow, that woman is so thin and I'm not.  And I see my body and think horribly judgmental things about it.


So back at therapy,  I bring up a few issues and I guess that combined to make a disconnect.  This is the thing, I can't prevent these feelings from coming (which is what I want to do!) I just have to warmly embrace the feelings of wanting to escape who I am for a few days!!

I can see when the judgmental attack of myself is over that it was just a blip and it lasted a few days.  The feelings come and if I just tend them with care and curiosity (Thank you Mary O'Malley)  as to why they came, they dissipate. (And there doesn't have to be an answer to the questions of curiousity either.)
But paying attention and being curious will bring me to areas that I can attend to.  And if I had a job outside the home, with job performance reviews, they would be called "Areas of Growth Opportunities!!"

I use to have these negative body thoughts on a regular basis throughout the day, but that is ceasing.  So I was surprised that they came up with such a vengeance.  It's always a surprise, but this is the journey all along.


In the meantime,  this is what I will practice.  This stunned me when I read it, because I don't do this very well.

Namaste

I Never Thought Therapy Would Lead to Increased Spirituality

From Geneen Roth:
The other day someone asked me if there is a difference between spirituality and therapy. This is a question I often am asked. And the answer is yes and no. No because we can't divide ourselves in little segments. Every part of us is related to every other part, and so any work we do on the therapeutic level (our past, our wounds) affects every other part of us. I can't even imagine where or who I'd be without the--count them!--more than thirty years I spent in therapy. 

And yes because their focus is somewhat different. In my book The Craggy Hole in My Heart, I wrote that: With a therapist, you have direct experiences of being your best self--loved, strong, worthy, whole. With a spiritual teacher, you have direct experiences of being the space in which that best self manifests. With a therapist, you learn that you are loved. With a spiritual teacher, you learn that you are love itself.

Love this!

I believe in therapy one thousand percent.  I needed to find out what my wounding was.  I had a hole of not loving myself for who I was. I did not feel like I could speak up for myself.  I was a people pleaser.
And I was not aware of this to the extent of how it affected my life!  I thought it was normal to be anxious day in and day out and to stay fearful of most of life's activities.  I thought it was normal to stay in place and react to life and people instead of going out and living my own life.

And then therapy came along.  And it was painful and wonderful and exhausting and eye-opening.  And I found God!  I really truly wasn't expecting that.

I think because my spirituality was hidden and suffocating in Religion.  Now I know better!!

My image of God was distant, judgmental and out there.  Now I understand, God is within.  God is LOVE.  And it has taken a while to change the tracks of what I have believed for so many years.

I love the distinctions Geneen makes in these paragraphs and furthermore, I understand them up close and personally.

Thank you Geneen!

Learning to Golightly, One Emotional Mess at a Time

This morning I had the most uncomfortable feelings. I wanted to escape myself.

I really wanted to escape myself.

I wanted to run and hide from the agitation, the frustration, the anger, and the despair. I have been through this before and I will go through it again. I have learned that the feelings will move through eventually. Each time it happens to this magnitude, my sense is that it will never end. It feels like it will NEVER end. These are the types of feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel but ate through mindlessly on a daily basis. I pushed them down and used food to numb the pain, the anxiety, the angst and even unbelievably excitement. I did not know how to feel despair nor joy, the two ends of the emotional spectrum.

The problem with stuffing myself (or any compulsive activity that we humans engage in to avoid feeling) is those feelings stay buried and fester. As I journey to go lightly, to be more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy, I have embarked on having these feelings rise up and out. Therapy has dug up really old deep hurts and released them to a more tolerable level. Yoga has released them. I've learned when I laid on the massage table this week and felt tears come to my eyes, massage is a releaser. Normally, I would ask the professional, "Does this usually happen?" But, I didn't have to ask. I did not need verification, I've been on this journey a while and I am starting to be very familiar with myself. {smile}

Another difference today, dear reader, is that I can write this blog and not feel compulsed to explain why I was a mess this morning. I just was. The feelings just were. My feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. I am truly beginning to understand this truth expressed by my therapist so long ago when I had no clue as to what she was talking about. Being right or wrong was very imperative back then.

Now I understand it more fully, one aha moment at a time.

I am fine just as I am, and actually quite wonderful. I don't have to justify my actions, my thoughts, my views, my weight, my religion to anyone. I can be who I am, just as I am, just as my creator made me. Wow!

That is so incredibly freeing.

The first time I wrote this I had tears in my eyes and now I have a positive affirmation. Hot mess to positive affirmation all in a day's time, that is going lightly.

Coming off a long weekend for Labor Day, Tropical Storm Lee made his way slowly onshore and thankfully it was just windy, rainy overcast days of no real magnitude for us. I was hiding out in our spare room trying to have some ME time, when I found "Eat Pray Love" on cable. Lately quotes from Elizabeth Gilbert have been floating through my awareness, thanks to my FB friends.

I walked in on this part where Richard from Texas tells Groceries this...

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”

Shazam. I heard it like I'd never heard it before. I LOVE when this happens.

I think back to all of the quotes I have known about attitude the last 25 years. It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you react to it, etc. They sound cliche to me because I do know when you boil things down, truths ARE really simple. But it is not easy to go through the boiling to get it back to that simple truth. But I'm willing to keep cultivating.

Mother's Day (yes I know I'm really late)

Sometimes the day just doesn't work out like you want it too and there are UGLY moments. This was mine. My children did not want to cooperate to take a Mother's Day picture with me. After all it was after 3pm, after church and sunday school, after picking up GaGa and wheelchair in her current condition, after lunch at a white tablecloth restaurant, after a drive to get my new favorite dessert (cakeballs), after being told to play the quiet game because the adults were getting irritated by their exuberant voices in the backseat. It was too much for them, but it was Mother's Day and I realized I wanted to take a picture.

We have to get up earlier next year.



So this was the worst picture out of three that we managed to take. This is one for FB right? We did have some wonderful precious moments with sleepy eyed greetings and cards, and those I can treasure. And I'm learning to treasure the ones from taking the pictures. Being mad is okay and that is part of being a family.

My aha moment came the next day. Mother's Day or any other holiday that I consider holy?! that I try to make emotionally perfect just can't be. I believe that most "negative" emotions were held in during my childhood right on up until a few short years ago or they came out passively aggressively. In the beginning, my therapist told me that my feelings were not right or wrong, they were just feelings. I had no idea what she was talking about because this was not what I had come to understand.I am just learning how to express "negative" feelings in an acceptable manner.

It has taken a while for this particular truth to sink in because there are just a few holidays that come around each year but now, I realize it applies to EVERY day of my life. I really desire to be "at peace." And there just can't be plain ole' peace. Life, and family are just roller coasters. Like that scene from the movie "Parenthood" I know that there are bumps and bigger bumps along the way but unconsciously I thought that I could do those "in a perfect way." Even under the most stressful situations, I wanted to handle them well, and not be depressed, or feel sad, or feel completely overwhelmed and need to cry. How freeing!!

Wow, I get it now. But next year, I will take the Easter picture BEFORE we go to church...

This clip is missing the funny line where Grandma who speaks life's truth, goes and gets in the neighbor's car.

One Day at a time...

It's not just a tv show from the 70's.

The author Geneen Roth describes her own journey to a healthy relationship with food and was asked how long it took to get "there?" The mysterious, elusive place of eating when only hungry and stopping when full. She says at first it was like having a visa and visiting at certain times and now it has come to be permanent for her. I get that. I am well into my second year into an intentional journey with wellness with food (which addresses ALL of your issues!) In my journey after much struggle, I was having such a great visit, an active visa and now I feel like my visa has been misplaced for the last couple of days. I did something very disloyal in my mind, I defriended my mother on Facebook. I told her I was going to do it (by messaging of course) and then did it. Bam. It had been coming for weeks.

Yes, you three to five loyal readers who already know this, I did defriend my mother. I had to. I needed to disengage from my whole family of origin. I have been doing so with my parents very slowly. I needed to have boundaries. My sense of self was too enmeshed in them. I have been figuring out who I am away from them and that is such a big deal. Some people become independant in the teenage years, some never, I chose age 41. I feel disloyal talking about them but it is hard for me to "golightly" dancing around the truth. This blog has been a huge tool for me to express myself, have a voice creatively and cathartically. Geneen also talks about loyalty and to whom or what we feel loyal to and why and to just question that. Loyalities that were created years and years ago that still exist without thought, and as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?"

I sent my mom a sincere positive message recently and I knew exactly how she would respond which was very sad but also very freeing. It was my permission slip to let go and to know what I have discovered about our dynamics was dead on. I know she and my dad did the best job they could as parents. We all try to do that. I would love to stay in the land of blaming them but that would just make me stay in my muck. I am taking responsibility and I am seeing things so much more clearly having some distance. It is extremely sad, and painful yet SO necessary. I want to be the best parent I can be for my children and I can see the differences in how I'm parenting and the positive outcomes.

Back to the visa. I've been enjoying my visits yet the changes are slow but steady. Small aha moments just keep coming, SLOWLY. The pain and sadness are critical to the journey yet so is the clarity and peace with accepting me for who I authentically am. I am finding my voice. It is difficult changing a worldview and how I look at myself but I am staying intentional. Over the last few weeks, I was actively engaged in noticing my hunger level, eating with enjoyment and stopping when I was full. It was wonderful! I will get back to my Visa. This IS how it works.

I Wish I Knew How to Quit You

I love this line from "Brokeback Mountain." It's part of a much larger scene but I found this very small clip for you. These two men love each other but can't live openly with each other.



This is the way I feel about food. I am trying to live openly with food. he he he. Funny, but oh so serious for me as of late. I am making progess in this journey with food. I and my therapist feel I have turned a corner in that I am beginning to speak up for myself with persons that I was unable to in the past. And it felt SO GREAT! I am learning who I am, and not who people have wanted me to be, or perhaps who I thought they wanted me to be. It's an arduous, painful journey and it keeps going and going and I am trudging along but I do feel that corner has been turned. So I have a love/hate relationship with food. I wish I knew how to quit it, but I still have to eat it in moderation, and stop when I'm full. No emotional nurturance with food, just enough to provide my body with nutrition and energy. So much easier said than done.

One of the facts that I learned about persons with eating disorders is that they think about food 90% of the day and it the stats go down from there. Persons who have normal relationship to food think about it, 20% of the day, just enough to figure out what to cook for the three meals. Wow! I don't know where I was on the continum but I do know that the amount of time has lessened. Think of the time that has opened up to think about other things, work on projects, live life!!

On another front, I had not been going regularly to yoga for about three weeks and I have started back up again. I went to 2 beginner classes in a row, to get myself going again. The second one I went to I realized, IT WASN'T CHALLENGING ENOUGH!!! Woo Hoo! Even the instructor pointed it out. I wanted and needed more. I don't know why but I was hesitant to jump back in again to what I consider more hardcore. But I'm going today. Yoga has become both physical but also emotionally challenging. For some reason, hitting this class today is important. I need to do this. I cannot QUIT yoga - I don't want to know how to do that.

He he he....

This picture speaks volumes...

My car this morning. How many of you have cars that look like this? This car speaks volumes about what is going on in my life at the moment. I have not had a shower yet today because I have been working to put my house back together as today is the first day at home for four hours by myself in about two weeks AND I am a stay at home mom. It has been a busy couple of weeks and the crazy season is here that starts with Halloween and continues until New Year's Day.
I am verbose, I know this and I am learning to accept myself as I am but I am going to try bullets for this blog today. Especially since I need to pick up in an hour and I haven't had lunch yet or that shower.
Car contents as symbolic state of life:
Portable potty - four year old - really nothing more to say. I have been tempted to use it myself stuck in carpool.
Snack basket - Started as manna bags to give to the homeless but we kept eating the manna bags so I realized we need snacks in the car for hungry children and/or mom in a pinch. But it becomes a catch all basket.
Extra Booster Seat on Passenger side- to remind myself to leave it at Mallory's preschool for field trip which I decided to not chaperone. I don't have to attend EVERY school function, and this is a way to take care of myself which is what my therapist says to do. I agree. Of course, they cancelled the field trip and rescheduled for Thursday, now I have to say NO a SECOND time.
Riley's pink & grey backpack - self-explanatory - First Grader and daily homework
Whole Foods Recycled Shopping bag - trying to be green but never really shop at Whole Foods, instead use as cleanup bag to get the "stuff" out of car but should be teaching the children to do it themselves...with the Whole Foods bag
Dainty wooden Cross hanging from side of W.F. bag- Received at church to remind myself to be more like Jesus, a beacon or something like that and I can't remember exactly. Child took it off my bathroom counter where it was to remind me each day as I got ready. But I am going to cut myself some slack for not remembering what is was specifically for, see Booster seat.
Black Organizer hanging off passenger side - Good intentions abounded but nothing fits in it now, perhaps it was sized for toddler things.

Gotta go. This is it. I tell myself I need to blog once a week for my sanity.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone...

It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm never up at this hour. NEVER! But I guess things are on my mind. I came to a pivotal moment in understanding my life's journey last week. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year and working on my food issues. Well, anyone who knows anything about weight issues, it's not about the food... And for some reason, well not for some reason but actually all of the work I have done to come to grips on a myriad of my issues, I can see clearly now. And this song just popped in my head.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me down
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day

Oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day

Look all around there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead there's nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day

I LOVE music. You can find the right song for just the right feeling. It feels as though the writer of this song many years ago, knows me intimately at this moment. It fits so perfectly. I know that it will not all be sun shiny days or blue skies, but at this moment, I can SEE now. I am standing in amazement that I do see the obstacles that have been there for a long time and even though I received no new information, I am seeing things in a new way. And it has taken me a year to do so, because therapy is slow and not easy but for me and most people who undertake it, it is so freeing. When you get to the place of accepting, peace is not far off. It's all of the long and painful work that got me to the point of knowing what I need to do to repair. I got to the point of being able to process the information I already knew. I am a "why" person, I keep asking questions until I understood why. This time, I was searching for an answer to a different problem and an answer that I had read years before made complete and utter sense to me NOW.


AND the weather has played right along with me, as it was bright and beautiful this past weekend after a week (really month) of a very rainy October. I have felt lighter in spirit, not as hungry, literally. I feel like I have had a HUGE AHA moment after many small aha moments over the last year and in previous years. I spent time alone with my girls as I always do (George was on call this weekend after being gone all week to a conference) and it wasn't draining as it can be at times, it was lighter, easier, more enjoyable, I had more patience.
The bad feelings have not disappeared, but they are dissipating.

What type are you?

I am concluding the second part of an Enneagram Workshop at my church today. It is a personality inventory that focuses on utilizing gifts and talents based on your type. There are 9 different personality types and they go by number 1 through 9. At first I had a hard time deciphering which one was my core type and was completely confused. I spoke to the leader of the study and with one statement to her and with her years of experience, Sister Lucy nailed me in 30 seconds flat. Then it was so painfully obvious what I was with the emphasis on pain. My personality completely correlates with the fact that I was at the workshop in the first place. I have thus been chuckling at myself continuously as I realize how I am so acting out my number all the time.

When I mention this personality system to those I have come into contact with, most are very intrigued by what number they might be. It has been quite interesting and I realize my best friend, my mother and I are all the same number. Our number is 5. Fives can differ though in that you can be a super duper above average 5 (Albert Einstein), an average 5 or a dysfunctional 5 and it names which mental illness you would digress to. I was at Barnes and Noble finding a book (so totally 5) and while looking it up, I came across several books on Enneagrams. There was one book that had a whole descriptive chapter devoted to each number and I immediately bought it but was only able to look at it briefly but the little that I did read so totally described me, it was eerie. Over time, I am reading it slowly, and I realize that it is like putting months of analytical physchotherapy into a chapter, one painful paragraph at a time, but I'm still reading.

The workshop leader used the act of crossing a river to describe each of the 9 types. My type doesn't ever cross the river but hides behind a tree, observes the others doing so and takes notes. At first, I didn't like this description at all. After all, I had participated in a mini-triathalon and had gotten in the pool and swam...as well as biked and jogged. I did get "across the river," but it was only after a good thought process and a testing of the waters to first decide, if I could do it. This is confirmation of what I learned in that if I am comfortable with myself and functioning high as a 5, I can progress to an 8, which is a leader. So in doing the triathlon, I pushed myself past my observer 5. It is so amazing how this book, that I had never heard of, could so completely describe me and others so completely.

But being a 5, I am always interested in learning more. Observing, and adding knowledge to my base. I laugh because one of my favorite things to do is go to Barnes and Noble during my little free time without children and pick up books of differing natures and speed read what I find interesting. So it is, I am a 5. I accept this about myself and when I'm feeling super duper, I will expound and go out and use some of the knowledge that I have gained and cross that river again.