The Divine Dance in the Donut Shop

I was having a hard time emotionally yesterday.  I went to Mallory's school in the morning for a program and then I had to return in the afternoon for another program.  On occasion, I have been blindsided by feelings that come up when I go to campus as Riley is no longer there.  When I see high school uniforms, I immediately think, oh, where is she? And then I remember... she's across town.

Anger, resentment and sadness bubble up and sit on my chest.  With ten years under our belt, I never planned to change schools but it was an absolute necessity.  I am resentful that it did not work out. I am sad that she felt like she didn't belong.  (And on a deeper level, it's about me feeling like I didn't belong)  She and I have discussed it any amount of times to understand it just wasn't a good fit for her.  Her personality didn't mesh with her particular grade.  Yet I want this energy of anger and sadness to GO AWAY but I know I have to allow them to flow through and not fight it.  I asked one of my bests friends, to please tell me that I'm not crazy for feeling this way.  (Even when I know, feelings are just energy and they will flow through)  I was lucky that she happens to have a friend in a similar position that has expressed similar sentiments to mine.  But the unwelcomed energy still sat there.  I broached the subject with Riley on our ride home and she, of course, knew where I was coming from.  She at fifteen is growing up, maturing and now that she is in a better place, our relationship is more mature and we can communicate better. (of course it still has it's moments!!)

That afternoon, I walked with my neighbor and the movement and conversation helped my spirits but heaviness still sat on my chest.  It is grief, not as deep as losing a loved one but it is grief nonetheless and as the case with grieving, it shows up in waves when you least expect it.

This morning before school, Mallory and I took a very last minute detour to the donut shop to bring some for a school party.  It was very off the cuff last minute decision.  We ran into several school acquaintances who were doing the same.  I asked one friendly acquaintance how she was doing.  And then she inquired how Riley was doing at the new school.  I answered that she was doing well and it was working out so far. She said some schools are just not a fit for everyone. And then, I took a big risk and mentioned my resentful feelings.

And this is where the God wink begins.

My risk of vulnerability paid off, and she acknowledged my feelings. I don't even remember exactly what was said, but I  felt heard and she understood the quagmire of one child leaving a school and one child remaining there.

It was music to my heart.

Side Note: It is very important to save heartfelt emotions to share with someone who deserves the right to hear it. Otherwise, you walk away feeling worse. All people need and want to be heard and have their feelings acknowledged. 

After I dropped Mallory off at school, I texted this friend  to thank her for her insight and understanding.  And the God wink continued when she texted back and said that anyone should understand the situation and that she missed seeing Riley's smiling face on campus.

Whoa. Cue the really ugly cry which I needed to have so very much.  I cried immediately and deeply and the energy moved through for the most part.  It was the right timing. It was divine timing.  It was the right moment, right person to show a bit of compassion for it to flow.

I see a God wink as the holy spirit doing it's thing.  I have learned to attribute these types of interactions as a divine interaction.  I understand the "dance" of the Trinity.  Father, Son and Holy Ghost.  I acknowledge a divine flow.  It's the practice of continually learning to let go, and things will not necessarily happen as I want them to, but my needs are answered in unexpected ways in their own time and I feel a peace for a short time that is indescribable.  And I work again, to let go.  It's a continual progression.

I am so very grateful for that Divine flow and these God winks.

(Another side note: I was able to hear Father Richard Rohr discuss this very topic in New Orleans two weekends ago.  His book is the Divine Dance: The Trinity and Your  Transformation) It was an incredible talk.

Namaste

Christmas Stress: Part 2: (Relearning Who God Is)

I love that what struck me on FB yesterday was from Aha Parenting and essentially all about being in the present moment with your kids (not the shiny presents from Toys R Us)  It was fantastic advice.  And today, Father Rohr says what I have been coming to learn over the last 5 years - consciousness leads to God being right in front of me or rather God in me, in the present moment.

This is Father Rohr's meditation from today.  What I really like is bolded.

God Is Here and 
Thus Everywhere
Thursday, December 11, 2014

The last words Jesus spoke to his apostles in the Garden of Gethsemane were “Stay awake”; in fact he says it twice (Matthew 26:39-41). I believe the work of religion is, more than anything else, to keep you awake, alert, alive, conscious. Consciousness comes from a wholehearted surrender to the moment. If you’re conscious, you will experience God. I can’t prove God to you. But people who are present will experience the Presence. It’s largely a matter of letting go of our resistance to what the moment offers us.

To be here now is the simplest thing in the world and the hardest thing to teach. In many ways it is the very foundation of all religion and all spirituality. You cannot get there by any kind of worthiness contest whatsoever. You cannot get there; you can only be there. I am convinced that the purest form of spirituality is the ability to accept the “sacrament of the present moment” (as Jean-Pierre de Caussade called it) and to find God in what is right in front of me. At that level, there is almost nothing to argue about. In fact, argumentative religion proceeds from not being present.

It seems we all start out thinking of God as “out there.” Yet we also need to believe, even spatially, that God is “in here.” We must know that deeply before we can take the Now seriously. The reason we can trust the Now so much is because of the Incarnation and because of the Divine Indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Christians have been given the promise that the Word has become flesh, that God has entered into the human, and the human soul is the temple of God. This is Paul’s discovery (1 Corinthians 3:16-17), and it is repeated through various metaphors by every Christian mystic.

Father Rohr's teachings are a balm to my soul.  My idea of God was so battered that I cringe when I hear the word Christian.  My idea of a Christian for several years now has been that of one of a right wing fanatic with whom I disagree on about everything.  So I've had to step away from anyone who talks about Jesus too much.  I've had to step away from the Bible.  When the word, Jesus, pops up too many times it feels like propaganda.

I am relearning God.

This truth of being in the here and now, I understand.

It's Christmas and there is way too much to do. Christmas stress kicked in two days ago.  I thought I was going to keep the anxiety at bay but my old friend came back.  In years past, it came in late November, so the fact that it didn't kick in until December 9, is pro-gress!!  I have moments where my thoughts are all about the future - presents, cards, tasks, errands, events that need to be attended or attended to.  

But God (or higher power or divine presence)  is in the moment.

It's okay to get off track and my stomach will turn and my thoughts will spin.  I am human.  I find that if I am able to get quiet, the fears dissolve.  I also say, "All will be well, even if it's not."  It has taken several years of a very conscious mind shift to employ these techniques.  I don't want to live in fear and anxiety like I did for the first 40 years.  I needed this shift.   This is the second half of life.   I am so grateful for this shift of consciousness.

Namaste.
Happy Holidays!

Acceptable Self vs Unacceptable Self a la Richard Rohr

This meditation speaks to me sooooo much.  I've underlined what meant the most to me!


Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation

Leaving the Garden

Splitting the Idealized Self
from the Shadow Self
Friday, February 28, 2014

The fourth split is when you split your acceptable self from your unacceptable self. You build a persona, a self-image that is based upon what most people want from you, reward you for, and what you choose to identify with. At the same time, you repress and often totally deny your “shadow self.” Your shadow is what you refuse to see about yourself and what you do not want others to see. Jesus simply calls it “the log in your own eye” (Matthew 7:4). It’s fully there, but you just can’t see it. And even worse, this unworthy instrument becomes that by which you see others (which is why you tend to dislike people who are just like you!). “The lamp of the body is the eye” (Matthew 6:22), Jesus says, and you need to clean the lens to see truthfully. Much of the work of spirituality is becoming aware of the biases, prejudices, and limitations through which you see the moment. It is a lifetime of painful work. It never ceases, because the ego never totally abandons its throne.

Jesus was a brilliant psychologist. He really was. He says you must clean not just the outside of the cup, but mostly the inside (Matthew 23:26). I would say that the major reason why so much religion is a waste of time is that it is mostly about external actions, rituals, and behaviors, whereas Jesus focuses very strongly on the internal (attitude, motivation, intention) and actually minimizes the external. Only an inner life of prayer helps you to go where Jesus invites us.

This split from the shadow self reaches full force in the teenage years, but many never recover. Young people are just so eager to be acceptable to their peer group and to “look good,” but unfortunately a lifelong game has begun. Carl Jung said that people who just look outside are dreaming, but people who look inside are “awakening.”

Both the idealized self and the shadow self can blind one to their best and deepest self. This, ironically, is a “field of both weeds and wheat” (Matthew 13:24f) that for some magnificent reasons God not only fully accepts but even loves. It is only we who refuse to live in this field. Rumi, the Sufi poet, beautifully says, “I will meet you there!”


Adapted from Franciscan Mysticism: I AM That Which I Am Seeking
(CD, MP3 download),
Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self, p. 29, and
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, pp. 127-128

Contemplation as Divine Therapy!

From Richard Rohr's daily Meditation today:
I have heard it said that the gaze of delight between a mother and the baby at her breast is the beginning of the capacity for intimate relationship. We spend the rest of our lives hoping for that moment again: that kind of safety; that kind of security; that kind of feeding; that kind of living inside of one world, where we are delighted in and loved. That is the True Self. Perhaps the most perfect image of this we can find is the Madonna with the Baby Jesus. This is the most common painting in Western art museums, I am told, probably because there is absolute wholeness mirrored in the gaze of love between mother and child. As Jung said, we paint the images our soul needs to see.

We also become the God we connect with. That’s why it’s so important to know the true God, and not some little, punitive, toxic god, because then you don’t grow up, but live in fear and pretense. Contemplation, as Thomas Keating says, is the divine therapy. We know God and we know ourselves by inner prayer journeys and not by merely believing in doctrines or living inside of church structures. God’s way of dealing with us becomes our way of dealing with life and others. We eventually love others, quite simply, as we have allowed God to love us, which should create quite a loving world.

From Carolyn:
Wowza, the last paragraph speaks, actually sings to me, so very much!

"Contemplation is the DIVINE THERAPY.  We know God and ourselves by our inner prayer journey and not by doctrines…"  

I am learning to live into this and these words are so powerful and true for me.  God was so far away and judgmental for so many years even though I was in the church all of my life but now I'm experiencing love in a whole new way.  Therapy actually led me to God.

 "God's way of dealing with us becomes our way of dealing with life and others."  And until we fully believe how much God (or Higher Power) loves us and we open ourselves to seeing that, we then are able to give it away.  It's not even hard to give it away, it just comes bursting out as something that you have to do.  It's a way of life.

Namaste.

Use the Heart not the Head: Curiousity, Compassion, and Connection

I have been listening to a Mary O'Malley video clip from The Psychology of Eating Online Conference.  I have listened a few minutes at a time over several weeks.  Today I am hearing it with new ears.  I'm having another big aha.

Her book is called, "The Gift of Our Compulsions."  Instead of being angry about using food compulsively, I'm beginning to feel a shift.  Mary says that the compulsion is there to bring attention to what you are not ready to be with.  Most people live their lives running with their compulsions and have no idea that they are doing so.  

Ms. O'Malley quotes Rumi:

“Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.

I have been very angry at myself for a long time for always using food to avoid my pain.  I beat myself up over it.  I judge myself.  Why can't I get this area of my life under control?   I have felt so empowered in so many areas but this food/weight thing persists.  And then Mary talks about being curious as opposed to trying to control it.   She discusses what I call the three C's: compassion, connection and curiosity.   She goes further to say these are HEART functions not head.  I get lost in all of the head stuff - the whys, the hows, etc.  I can ruminate in rationalizations forever.  I have been in touch with the heart and I've had glimpses and it is pure bliss.  I want more of that and I've had enough of the head stuff. 

We are wired to struggle and our compulsions are there for us to avoid being in that struggle.  She also says we are dualistic in nature and that means black/white, right wrong.  We deem our compulsion as bad, so we try to beat it down.  We have been conditioned from very early to live in this war.  Father Richard Rohr also talked about dualism in his talk that I attended a few years back and it highly resonated with me.  

Rumi's quote about the light and Ms. O'Malley talking about the heart speaks loud and clear to me.  The light represents a deep sense of well being.  Let me say that again because I need to hear it.  

A deep sense of well being.  

I'm not going to get that by losing weight or being able to buy the smaller size.  I'm not going to have that by looking perfect (and who is the judge of that, who do I give that power to?)  I feel the sense of well being when I have compassion with myself (and others!) I feel that when the negative thoughts start and I stop them and become curious about why.

I have experienced moments of deep well being and it has come when I detach from the controlling thoughts.  The moments come when I'm compassionate with myself and take care of myself.  They come when I connect with others who are on a soul journey too.   They come when I feel a shift of energy that feels like LOVE and not judgement.  

I'm sticking with the 3 C's for now.  I think that will lead me the rest of the way.

Three Minutes Twenty Four Seconds Divinely Sent

A friend sent an audio clip to me that I was not expecting.  It was three minutes long and it felt like it was a divine act.  I stayed dazed for a week on the timing and content of receiving this audio out of the blue.

My friend and I had never discussed the topic of this clip.  I think she knew I might find it interesting.  I listened to the first seconds of it and heard a woman ask the speaker a question, paused it  and I got really excited.  I thought, oh my gosh, if he answers this question the way I think he will, I'm going to freak out.

These aha moments blow me away.  I live for these types of discoveries.  They rock my world.

The topic was emotional sobriety and the speaker was Father Richard Rohr.  I became acquainted with him through his book "The Naked Now" in a Spirituality Quest class a few years back and then heard him speak in person for a two day ("best revival ever") conference at my church.   His content is a salve to all of the fundamentalist baggage that I carry.  My Sunday morning group began a Rohr book the week that I received the audio clip.

On the clip, a woman asks when anger comes up how does she "control" it?

On this blog, I have talked about learning to let my feelings flow through.  I had never heard of this technique but began doing so instinctively while hearing that I needed to learn to feel my feelings not push them down with food.   I didn't even realize that I was practicing a technique but I had input from therapy, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Gary Zukav, Deepak Chopra and "Celebrity Rehab" among others.  I am well rounded if anything.

Weeks ago, I saw a high school acquaintance that I had not seen in over 20 years.  I knew from some of her FB posts that we would have some similar ideas about life.  I took a risk and we talked about some "deep" issues.  And then bam, she used the words mindfulness training.  I laughed for a solid week that I had not known what I was practicing for the last two years, was called mindfulness.  I knew I was training myself to change my thoughts about feelings that arose.  I have learned to allow myself to feel them but not allow the feelings to own me.  I knew it was hard to do.  I knew that it was about changing the way I interacted with people as well, i.e. boundaries.  And now I know it is about moving to higher levels of consciousness.

In this audio clip, Richard Rohr explained the art of mindfulness simply, easily and concisely.  I began to jump up and down in my mind as he described it.  (I want to share the clip with you but it is copyrighted)

I knew I have been on to something, something really big, to change my worldview...

and my life.

I live for these aha moments.

This is not Richard Rohr - but it describes the process as well.

At Home In The Fringe

The Methodist church I attend has a Center for Spirituality (sounded so woo woo to me a few years ago, not so much anymore) and I have been moseying over during our Sunday School hour for the last few months. When I walk in and sit down with these ladies (and a man or two), I feel at home. Feeling at home is sacred to me now because I recognize it. Everything that is brought up and discussed is music to my ears. On a few Sundays, I was verklempt like therapy - like good group therapy which I have never done,  just studied about in my Masters classes. As I have been passionately pursuing all things healing for my inner self, attending this class has been an unexpected bonus, right in my own backyard.

The book we are currently reading is Richard Rohr's Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. I am fairly giddy aobut this topic. I attended a 2 day workshop of his last year and I sat transfixed to what he was saying...for six hours. I wrote about it at the time as THE best revival I had ever attended. And I have post traumatic stress from revivals I attended in my youth.

Father Rohr puts together ideas that do not seem to go together. As a Franciscan Priest, he is on the fringe of the Catholic church from what I'm told and barely hanging on and I like this about him. As you learn the deep truths of your life, your authentic self, being on the fringe is not the scary place that I thought it use to be. My faith is in a loving God and I feel his warmth all the time now and I don't live in fear of his retribution. And feeling that loving God up close and personal now makes me want to act in a loving manner towards the "least of these."

From the introduction of Breathing Under Water: "We cannot stop the drowning water of our addictive culture from rising, but we must a least see our reality for what it is, seek to properly detach from it, and build 'a coral castle and learn to breathe under water.' The New Testament called it salvation or enlightenment, the twelve step program called it recovery."

I embarked on a journey to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off. I knew it was something deep, yet I had no idea in the process that I would embrace the concepts of codependency or Twelve Step ideas, and become closer to God.

Therapy led me closer to God!

I never would have put counseling therapy and God together because maybe no one I knew did it, or in my mind they were completely separate. Now I see God and the holy spirit everywhere, including in myself.

This is what healing is all about. Bring on the fringe. I feel so at home in the fringe.

A Partner to Dance With

This is from Richard Rohr's daily email and it really spoke to me. These are the kinds of thoughts I have that I cannot express (yet) in the beautiful way he does, yet I can aspire to because If there is no aspiration, there is no moving forward.

For me, prayer is no longer to ask for things that I what I want or because I am "supposed to" because someone is watching over me and judging, it has been morphing into what he so aptly names an interior journey. He writes it so beautifully. And I love at the end that he describes that we have a dancing partner with God. Now that is a vision that I can hold onto and move forward with. No fear, just love.

“Everything exposed to the light itself becomes light,” says
Ephesians 5:13. In prayer, we merely keep returning the divine gaze and we become its reflection, almost in spite of ourselves (2 Corinthians 3:18). The word “prayer” has often been trivialized by making it into a way of getting what we want. But I use “prayer” as the umbrella word for any interior journeys or practices that allow you to experience faith, hope, and love within yourself. It is not a technique for getting things, a pious exercise that somehow makes God happy, or a requirement for entry into heaven. It is much more like practicing heaven now.

Such prayer, such seeing, takes away your anxiety for figuring it all out fully for yourself, or needing to be right about your formulations. At this point, God becomes more a verb than a noun, more a process than a conclusion, more an experience than a dogma, more a personal relationship than an idea. There is Someone dancing with you, and you are not afraid of making mistakes.