I was having a hard time emotionally yesterday. I went to Mallory's school in the morning for a program and then I had to return in the afternoon for another program. On occasion, I have been blindsided by feelings that come up when I go to campus as Riley is no longer there. When I see high school uniforms, I immediately think, oh, where is she? And then I remember... she's across town.
Anger, resentment and sadness bubble up and sit on my chest. With ten years under our belt, I never planned to change schools but it was an absolute necessity. I am resentful that it did not work out. I am sad that she felt like she didn't belong. (And on a deeper level, it's about me feeling like I didn't belong) She and I have discussed it any amount of times to understand it just wasn't a good fit for her. Her personality didn't mesh with her particular grade. Yet I want this energy of anger and sadness to GO AWAY but I know I have to allow them to flow through and not fight it. I asked one of my bests friends, to please tell me that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. (Even when I know, feelings are just energy and they will flow through) I was lucky that she happens to have a friend in a similar position that has expressed similar sentiments to mine. But the unwelcomed energy still sat there. I broached the subject with Riley on our ride home and she, of course, knew where I was coming from. She at fifteen is growing up, maturing and now that she is in a better place, our relationship is more mature and we can communicate better. (of course it still has it's moments!!)
That afternoon, I walked with my neighbor and the movement and conversation helped my spirits but heaviness still sat on my chest. It is grief, not as deep as losing a loved one but it is grief nonetheless and as the case with grieving, it shows up in waves when you least expect it.
This morning before school, Mallory and I took a very last minute detour to the donut shop to bring some for a school party. It was very off the cuff last minute decision. We ran into several school acquaintances who were doing the same. I asked one friendly acquaintance how she was doing. And then she inquired how Riley was doing at the new school. I answered that she was doing well and it was working out so far. She said some schools are just not a fit for everyone. And then, I took a big risk and mentioned my resentful feelings.
And this is where the God wink begins.
My risk of vulnerability paid off, and she acknowledged my feelings. I don't even remember exactly what was said, but I felt heard and she understood the quagmire of one child leaving a school and one child remaining there.
It was music to my heart.
Side Note: It is very important to save heartfelt emotions to share with someone who deserves the right to hear it. Otherwise, you walk away feeling worse. All people need and want to be heard and have their feelings acknowledged.
After I dropped Mallory off at school, I texted this friend to thank her for her insight and understanding. And the God wink continued when she texted back and said that anyone should understand the situation and that she missed seeing Riley's smiling face on campus.
Whoa. Cue the really ugly cry which I needed to have so very much. I cried immediately and deeply and the energy moved through for the most part. It was the right timing. It was divine timing. It was the right moment, right person to show a bit of compassion for it to flow.
I see a God wink as the holy spirit doing it's thing. I have learned to attribute these types of interactions as a divine interaction. I understand the "dance" of the Trinity. Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I acknowledge a divine flow. It's the practice of continually learning to let go, and things will not necessarily happen as I want them to, but my needs are answered in unexpected ways in their own time and I feel a peace for a short time that is indescribable. And I work again, to let go. It's a continual progression.
I am so very grateful for that Divine flow and these God winks.
(Another side note: I was able to hear Father Richard Rohr discuss this very topic in New Orleans two weekends ago. His book is the Divine Dance: The Trinity and Your Transformation) It was an incredible talk.
Namaste
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