Being In The Present Moment

It's taken me a long time to really really understand, "Be in the Present Moment."   Around ten years ago, I tried to make my way through Eckhart Tolle's, "A New Earth" with a reading group at church.  I could barely read the book or listen to him in audio because it was dry and heady material but it laid a foundation. Eckhart talked a lot about the ego, the pain body, about Jesus and inherently "be still and knowing that I am..." 

All of that came with a level of difficulty that was beyond my pay grade at the time.  

When I am quiet and still with no distractions, stuff comes up.  And I am bombarded with distractions to avoid the painful emotions that make me jittery, anxious and avoidant to ever sit and be still again.  Over time,  I have practiced over and over that what comes up will not kill me especially if I don't identify AS the sadness, anxiety or grief.  It is energy that needs to flow through.  These are "just" my thoughts and not who I am. 

Now hearing Eckhart years later in video, I can take in his slow, dry manner, and abundant wisdom and if he chuckles, it is like I won an Olympic medal.  So very delightful. 

Just now, I was standing at the kitchen sink with dirty dishes piled all around from last night. I have always HATED washing dishes.  George can swiftly verify this fact.  My head is spinning because I'm trying to think of all the groceries needed in preparation for Thanksgiving week and the girls home from school.  I can look and see things that need to be done everywhere.  There's a pandemic raging.  Political strife is ever abundant.  My lower back aches as I have grown accustomed to in the last few years.  My blood pressure is elevated a little.  And I have a slight headache that I'm not sure what it's from. And yesterday, I discovered that neuroma is likely the name for the tingling I feel in my right foot between the third and fourth toes. 

Yet, amidst all of this, I have Frank Sinatra playing on Pandora, and I have a dish in my hand cleaning it with my yellow smiley face scrub and I have a few seconds of peace beyond all understanding.  

It's magical.  

It's mystery. 

Being In The Present Moment. 

Ego aside, pain aside, sadness aside, anxiety aside, all of it aside.  It makes room for a well of gratitude for life, for a loving divinity inside me and inside every human being and I'm connected with all of it. 

Give me more of this. 

I know it's about loving myself and others and breaking through all of the barriers to get there. 

Namaste. 

A Retreat Like No Other: Holding The Tension

I went on a spiritual retreat this past weekend.  I attended the same version of it at least ten years ago.  I thought I knew what to expect.  I was in for a surprise.

The retreat is a boundaried place so I am going to speak in generalities.

The first night, I looked around the group of ladies sitting in a circle and I spotted someone who I thought was the person that I had a bad encounter with years ago.  My body turned to mush because I had been more on the receiving end of the encounter.  It was the same person.  I was never recognized yet I kinda wish I would have addressed it.  We are both in different places now I think.

But I let it go.  There were other things I had to chew on instead.

On two other occasions, I heard words spoken by one person that was moved in the moment and then another spoke of spiritual concepts that jarred me. And after a few moments of agitation, I thought, I can detach from this. And when and if appropriate I can speak up and give my truth without negating what these other person's experiences are.

For so long, when I was growing up and in adult years as well, I would not speak up. I did not voice my experience around certain people or groups.  I learned to get along by staying silent and going with the flow.  That silence when I wanted to talk, ate me up.  And this blog for the last ten years is helping me to write my way out.  (Thank you Lin Manuel Miranda!)   It's a skill to learn to express oneself verbally assertively without aggression or passivity and I have bumbled my way through at times. But to be honest, the skill set is one thing, what it's really about is not caring what others think.

Learning to let go of that too.

Back at the retreat, on another occasion, issues of a political nature were brought up in casual conversation, in the very last place I thought I would have to hear it.  My entire body turned to mush once again.   I politely said I was finished with the task at hand and got the heck out.  I did try to mumble that we shouldn't talk about politics, and the person said we weren't, but the topic was very much a current political one.  Why on earth would one bring this particular subject in casual conversation at a spiritual retreat?   It was progress for me to get up and leave as I would have sat silently years ago.

So now there are three persons I'm trying to avoid sitting by at group.

Relaxing retreat. Ha ha ha!

Growth is not relaxing.

I phoned a friend as I walked around the campus, and calmed down. I knew I wanted to stay and dang it, I was going to get something out of this retreat, other than dodging persons or sentiments that pushed my buttons.   We had a lovely afternoon break and I took not one but two naps.  I knew that this experience was about holding the tension.  The idea of holding the dark and the light at the same time with equal respect was first introduced to me by Father Richard Rohr when he visited our church many years ago.  It's not seeing the world in black and white, but in grey.   In the first half of life, we have to know good and bad, right and wrong to not get burned by the stove or drown, etc. But at midlife, we can wake up and embrace that not each person or issue or experience is all right or all wrong, or good or bad. It's a lot of ego work.  It's all about the ego.

And in holding that tension, there can be spiritual breakthroughs.

By letting go of my ego reactions to all of the above mentioned so-called "negative" situations, I did have growth.  At the proper time, I spoke up when I had the opportunity to express a different experience with the same issue than what someone else did.  I also said it was okay that we have different experiences.

I was telling myself that as much as I was speaking to the group.

I also requested time with those in "charge" to discuss a matter that had been lying on my heart for months. I was heard, understood, and acknowledged.

I also watched the participants whom I differed with, have their own strong aha moments.  Sitting with the tension spurned me to come to the conclusion that all those attending were here for their relationship with God as was I.  My initial ego reaction would be to slam these other people, try to find someone to back me up.  We just have different words, mannerisms, paths and theologies.   Most importantly is we don't all have to be on the same page.  (Living the tension at it's finest here!) It is heavenly to find those in the same book, and thrilling to find someone in the same chapter though.

As I have learned what methodologies spur a deeper faith, trust and relationship with God and all of creation, I can't ignore that which works for me and that which doesn't.   I know it to the core of my being what brings me deeper, as do these other folks but of course, these can conflict.  I know certain words, phrases, and sentiments that I experienced in my past, are language that does not bring me closer to God.  The critical point is the recognition that people have different ways of achieving a similar end.  I can notice the buttons pushed in myself and work to be non-critical, and curious both of myself and the other person.  It seems as though this act of detaching from the button pushing will always lead to growth.

Leaning in to the tension.

Namaste

It's Just Not Meant To Be

I am needing to grieve a relationship in my life.  It is just not meant to be the way I want it to be.  Again and again, this has been brought to my attention.  Did I say how many times over and over again?   It's so over and as the Maya Angelou saying goes: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  It's whipping me in the head for what feels like the thousandth time and I remain a punching bag.  I so deeply want a connection that I keep putting my heart on the line and it keeps getting battered.  It's enough.  It's time to let it go.

I need to have a shift in thinking, big time.

Why do I keep going back for more pain?   It must be my ego.  My ego thinks "What's wrong with me?"    Perhaps my ego thinks, if only they could see me for who I am they would love me.  I've tried really hard to do things the "right" way.  But it will never be right enough, I can see that a little more clearly now.

And there is no "right" way, there is only who I authentically am.  I can only be me.   I am coming to own who I am and I know that deep within me (that God place that I have found) it's about love.  If this person can't see the love, then that's their own stuff in the way.   It's taken so much work to get where I am, I can't go back.  I have to let my light shine and find others who see it.

Okay, so how do I shift my thinking?  Each time this person comes to mind - I have to detach.  I have to detach from the self defeating thoughts.  And in the end, I need to grieve my idea of this relationship.  I came across the following paragraph from a friend.  This is how I need to grieve it.  It is exactly what I need to move on, to do repeatedly over and over.  I can't identify myself with the stories I'm telling that I'm not good enough.


4. SUFFER CONSCIOUSLY. (From Eckhart Tolle)
Observe your emotional pain, your anguish and frustrations. Observe the constant stream of negative thoughts that run through your mind. The dreadful stories that keep feeding your pain, but choose not to identify yourself with them. See yourself as the one who’s observing all that emotional pain and all that discomfort. But don’t make the pain part of who you are. Don’t make it your person life story. Don’t claim it as your own.

And here is the crux of all of it:

“Suffering consciously is when you feel, sense and accept the suffering. It is not suffering anymore it is just pain. To be suffering you must have an unhappy me with a story and the world that is doing it to me.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I don't want to live in fear anymore.  I don't want to live in victimhood.  This person is not doing this to me. (although it feels real personal.)  I need to lovingly pay attention to the faulty thoughts that I think about myself, that there is something wrong with me.   This really isn't about me.  I have chosen suffering instead of allowing the pain.  I have to accept it's not meant to be.  It's simply not meant to be.  Maybe that can be my mantra.
Allow the pain. It's not meant to be. Let the pain flow.  It's only suffering if I tell myself there's something inherently wrong with me.  There's nothing wrong with me.  It's Just Not Meant to Be.

Yes, Siree Bob, I've Got This Ego Thing Down…

My dad has been in the hospital all week.  The hospital has become very familiar now.  I've got the parking routine down.  I park in the outdoor free parking just to change things around from my usual parking garage routine.  I'm getting so comfortable, I embarked on finding him and my mother where he was having a nuclear test in the bowels of the hospital.  This would have given me great anxiety before.  Speaking up, asking for directions, situations where I didn't know where I was going equalled high anxiety and freezing in my tracks.  Now, I think to myself, "Every little thing is going to be alright."

Mindfulness is so freaking helpful under these circumstances.  Dad's had a slow bleed for a week now and he has had numerous tests and procedures and the MD's think they find it and then the labs look bad again two days later.  He is not a good candidate for surgery at all if the procedures need to be more invasive.  Stress-ful.   Yet mindfulness has changed my life in terms of anxiety and fear that come up in times like this.

Mindfulness really rocks!  I have thoughts that pop in my head and I know - wow - I don't have to believe them.  That is my old conditioning popping up. I can change those thoughts.  And most of them are fear thoughts.  (This is where all that love stuff changes every thing)

Before I headed to the hospital yesterday as I was dressing,  I turned on the OWN channel.  Eckhart Tolle is talking to Oprah about the third chapter of his book "A New Earth" which is entitled, 'The Core of Ego.'  I "read" the book years ago in a class at church.  It is was very appealing to me but dense yet I did begin to understand the concepts.  Eckhart talks very slowly, dryly and unanimated.  He doesn't draw me in but…

Ego has been a topic in my head the last few weeks.  I've listened to Mary O'Malley talk about the monkey brain and how our thoughts will always lead us astray and those thoughts are the ego taking charge.  The heart is where we need to focus, etc.  And science is beginning to prove that.  It seems when I am staying aware, I usually have a theme word or truth that stays with me for a week or two.  Ego has been that word lately.

So I'm listening to Eckhart and Oprah talking from the other room and all of a sudden, I hear him say, "the ego means you are not aware of it, ego means unconscious."

Hello!  Ding, ding, ding.

I nod my head in utter delight.  Eckhart has my attention.  I have been working to let go of the ego!!   I have been working diligently on awareness and becoming conscious.  Just hearing this simple definition.  That is what the ego is?   I've got that down.  I am so on top of this one!!

Well, I want to watch the full episode but I've got to catch up on life.  But as I am experiencing life, I will remember to stay aware and diligent of the thoughts that pop up.  It's not always easy, so practice, practice, practice.

Acceptable Self vs Unacceptable Self a la Richard Rohr

This meditation speaks to me sooooo much.  I've underlined what meant the most to me!


Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation

Leaving the Garden

Splitting the Idealized Self
from the Shadow Self
Friday, February 28, 2014

The fourth split is when you split your acceptable self from your unacceptable self. You build a persona, a self-image that is based upon what most people want from you, reward you for, and what you choose to identify with. At the same time, you repress and often totally deny your “shadow self.” Your shadow is what you refuse to see about yourself and what you do not want others to see. Jesus simply calls it “the log in your own eye” (Matthew 7:4). It’s fully there, but you just can’t see it. And even worse, this unworthy instrument becomes that by which you see others (which is why you tend to dislike people who are just like you!). “The lamp of the body is the eye” (Matthew 6:22), Jesus says, and you need to clean the lens to see truthfully. Much of the work of spirituality is becoming aware of the biases, prejudices, and limitations through which you see the moment. It is a lifetime of painful work. It never ceases, because the ego never totally abandons its throne.

Jesus was a brilliant psychologist. He really was. He says you must clean not just the outside of the cup, but mostly the inside (Matthew 23:26). I would say that the major reason why so much religion is a waste of time is that it is mostly about external actions, rituals, and behaviors, whereas Jesus focuses very strongly on the internal (attitude, motivation, intention) and actually minimizes the external. Only an inner life of prayer helps you to go where Jesus invites us.

This split from the shadow self reaches full force in the teenage years, but many never recover. Young people are just so eager to be acceptable to their peer group and to “look good,” but unfortunately a lifelong game has begun. Carl Jung said that people who just look outside are dreaming, but people who look inside are “awakening.”

Both the idealized self and the shadow self can blind one to their best and deepest self. This, ironically, is a “field of both weeds and wheat” (Matthew 13:24f) that for some magnificent reasons God not only fully accepts but even loves. It is only we who refuse to live in this field. Rumi, the Sufi poet, beautifully says, “I will meet you there!”


Adapted from Franciscan Mysticism: I AM That Which I Am Seeking
(CD, MP3 download),
Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self, p. 29, and
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, pp. 127-128

Namaste~The Flow of Divine Love

I have been writing namaste at the end of some of my blogs.  I'm not sure why, it just flows out of me as I write.  And then today, on Facebook I posted a hard truth that I have learned again and again.  This truth is that you can learn the most about yourself from those that push your buttons if you allow the lesson (and the consciousness evolvement)   I ended the post with the word Namaste.

So I stopped to think what does this word mean?  I have looked it up a few times before.  While practicing yoga, it is usually said at the end of class.  The teacher bows to us and we can bow to her.  And I remember the gist of it being the best of me meets the best of you.  It is a peaceful loving gesture.

So I look it up once again and I'm struck by how a very studied person named Aadil Palkhivala, answered.  Simply beautiful.

"The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. Nama means bow, as means I, and te means you. Therefore,namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."

To perform Namaste, we place the hands together at the heart charka, close the eyes, and bow the head. It can also be done by placing the hands together in front of the third eye, bowing the head, and then bringing the hands down to the heart. This is an especially deep form of respect....

...We bring the hands together at the heart chakra to increase the flow of Divine love. Bowing the head and closing the eyes helps the mind surrender to the Divine in the heart. One can do Namaste to oneself as a meditation technique to go deeper inside the heart chakra; when done with someone else, it is also a beautiful, albeit quick, meditation.

This is the part I like the best: 

For a teacher and student, Namaste allows two individuals to come together energetically to a place of connection and timelessness, free from the bonds of ego-connection. If it is done with deep feeling in the heart and with the mind surrendered, a deep union of spirits can blossom.

This is so beautiful.  Yoga has been a wonderful journey for me.  Moving out of ego-connection!  There is no lost irony on me that I keep choosing this word that means "coming to a place of connection" and meeting the "divine spark within us."
The few of you who read my blog - I know I connect with. And I have been so humbled and excited when someone tells me they read it and connect with the material.   I write for my own catharsis and my journey.  I'm not ready to open it up to the general public to receive criticism.  Writing is therapy for me!!  I heard an author (Dani Shapiro) describe that she was able to understand her life by writing it.  I get that.  Also when I don't make time to write, I feel discombobulated.  I feel connected to God when I write.

Namaste.

Holy Cow! And this isn't about Chik fil a but that's coming.

Yesterday, I had a profound aha.  It was a message that I have heard over and over from various sources but yesterday was oh, so different.

I happened to watch a very small clip of the author Michael Singer on OWN's "Super Soul Sunday" from this past weekend.  An online friend had raved about it.  I don't remember exactly what he said but what I took away in the 5 minutes that I watched, was about the voice in my head and basically it is a separate entity.  It is the ego talking and you don't have to listen to it, you can choose to have different thoughts.

I have heard this before several times but this time, I saw it through in action in myself.

Yesterday afternoon, I hit a wall.  I was tired and overwhelmed, mentally and physically and felt like I couldn't go on. I wanted to crawl in the bed and let the world go away and it felt like I would need weeks to recover.  I started to list in my head everything that I have done this summer.  I was rationalizing why I should be tired.  I was comparing myself to other people, if someone else had done this then they would be tired too.  I have done this for many, many years.

And then I had a moment and decided I don't need to list it out.  If I am tired, then I am tired.  I don't need to find the reasons.

I just am...tired.

I cried a little bit.  My children walked in and I told them that I was tired.  They saw my tears.  The oldest was compassionate.  They both wanted to get out of the house and she had wanted to look for a backpack all day.  She said we could wait and go another day.  But after I had my little cry (and detached myself from my ego thoughts), I was ready to go.

I was ready to go?!  Holy cow!  How did that happen?  One moment I needed to take to the bed for at least several weeks to recover, the next, we were shopping at the mall.  I had a slight headache and didn't want to stay that long but I felt like a completely different person.

This is what acceptance must look and feel like.

After I decided to let the voice of comparison go, I accepted my tiredness and the feelings of being overwhelmed just dissipated.

Wow, holy cow.

Joe Paterno and Kim Kardashian

I roll my eyes at the power of football. Though I have been to Tiger Stadium and felt it and appreciated it. I know that college football supports a university and all of it's other educational programs as well as the local economy. But the behaviors that are accepted in the name of football really make me sad.

FB is a breeding ground for me to see other's opinions that I do not agree with. And what amazes me is that some people just throw it out there with apparently no thought worrying what others will think. And that is a fairly new skill set for me and I'm still working on it. What do I believe strongly enough in so that if I put it out there in cyberspace, will I absolutley sleep at night, because I have had trouble with that lately. Assertive, schmertive, I need my sleept these days.

Someone commented about how they felt sorry for and also appreciated Joe Paterno and his forty years of coaching for those like her who enjoy watching football. Ewww! I didn't respond but have taken to the blog. What about the children and families who were allegedly abused and who were turned away? Abuse on top of abuse for them and the fact that the alleged abuser could then continue? Paterno admits he felt he should have done more and regrets that. He should have listened to his gut and that is what I'm talking about, not who is to blame in this sad, sad situation.

I wanted LSU to beat Alabama really badly on Saturday night. I will admit that. But we make and I will say we, make heroes out of people who are not. Sports figures and coaches are people with a certain skill set that our society is enthralled with. One of my weaknesses would be actors and actresses, entertainers. But in the last years I have learned to take everyone off of their pedestal and I mean EVERYONE.

I love watching indepth celebrity interviews because those are the ones when I learn they are just people and have issues just like everyone else. And sometimes, I can actually learn something from them. You can read Kim Kardashian the riot act right now but in the end, she is just a girl who thinks she wanted to be married and have kids and she just doesn't know the way to go about doing it, her mother and her are more concerned with branding. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because there was no criminal misconduct. She is learning a big life lesson and so is Joe Paterno, hopefully.

And in God's eyes we are all equal, we are all his children. It doesn't matter that he coached football excellently for forty years or that she made a sex tape. I think God cares equally that neither of them listened to their gut. He hopes for the best for all of us.

And I think God hopes that we listen to our intuition, it is God talking to us anyway.

I was going to end it there but then I saw the media coverage this morning, and it was revolting.

When Paterno said to the news reporter at his house after being fired, "...I'm out of it maybe..." That little word, maybe, tacked on to his sentence showed his ego roaring. He is FIRED and still doesn't think he's gone. He has been in power way too long. Wow. The ego is a very powerful part of our minds. Joe's has been built up for years as the "god" of Penn State. We should put no one on pedestals. I continue to learn that lesson. It's a good one.