Goodbye 2024: A Sigh, Some Sadness and Deep Acceptance

 The last day of 2024 is upon us. Wow.  This has been a... year.  Year is written in a tone of eyes widened and a snarky look. It has been eventful medically as well as moving into a new life stage.  In March, I started using a tool in the form of medication to lose weight and I cannot even wrap my head around it, as I have lost weight. My youngest child graduated and went off to college. In September, I discovered that I had hyperparathyroidism which explained why I have felt decades older than I am for the last few months (years?).  Also likely why I thought I had ADD.  In December, I had surgery to remove the parathyroid adenoma and half my thyroid (no cancer found). Lastly, I was a part of the country reacting to the election in disbelief of how could this person be elected again. 

I have been writing this blog since 2009 and my entries have slowed since the last half of that sixteen years. In some ways that is okay, but I do have many creative ideas that come to me and I have not acted upon them for whatever reason.  This I know: I need to write to process life.  I need to use my divinely given creativity as well. Hyperparathyroidism has taken a lot from me lately.  I have experienced constant brain fog,  depleted energy levels, muscle weakness, achy bones, headaches and increased anxiety.  Yes, all of that from too much calcium in the body. Doing the bare minimum has been a stretch at times, and I'm thankful for my husband who has been patient with me.   I'm also so very thankful for a Facebook support group that has enlightened me that it could take up to a year to recover fully from this little known condition.  I had the surgery, the numbers look good but the symptoms are still here.  I am turning the corner in that I have ecstatic moments of mental clarity and I can tell I have more energy for tasks although still becoming depleted in a short amount of time. 

My annual decluttering phase is here but after two days of continued work, I'm empty again. Yesterday, I had an occular migraine and progress was made that I did not freak out as badly as it did the other two times that I had it. I went to the eye doctor months ago to check it out and after much discussion with my bestie, we think it is an eye headache.  This time, I told myself the lightening squiggles were going away, and I took CBD tincture to help relax.  I was then sensitive to sound and light for much of the day and had to rest. 

I had to rest. 

I have been doing a lot of resting and being with myself.  I have really gotten use to the quiet and I like it.  I'm glad I have done a lot of work to be with discomfort. 

I have been doing a lot of resting because that is all I can do. This is how it goes.  It's time to walk the dog.   Maybe I can go farther this time. Just a few moments in, I start feeling depleted once again.  My mind goes, oh nooooooo.  Muscle weakness creeps in. I can't go farther. I beat myself up for not being able to do more. I go back home and find sources to read that this is normal.  It took this condition a few years to advance itself, it is not going away immediately.  

So I rest and accept. 

I now have a headache, achiness all over, no energy and a little dizziness from the dog walk, writing, living.  

To sum all this up, I want to write more. I also have limitations. I am recovering and it's going to take time and I have to be patient with myself.  I am writing a few more minutes to finish this in a not so eloquent way because this doesn't have to be perfect. 

It just is. 

It is where I am.  Deep acceptance.  

The country is where it is.  There has been an uncovering of the belly of the beast. It's always been there.  

A sigh, some sadness and deep acceptance.  

Namaste

Feelings, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa Feelings

In lower and middle school, I took piano lessons.  When I quit lessons, there were just a few remaining songs that I could sit down and play by memory.  "The Rose", "You Light Up My Life" and "Feelings" were the emotional songs that I sat down and belted out every word.  I think there was a Barry Manilow in the repertoire as well, of course! {giggle}

I'm finding the irony of how enamored I was with those heart wrenching sentimental songs and where I am now.  I have come full circle.

Somewhere along the way from childhood on and most especially after a terrible bout of Postpartum Depression, I shut down allowing myself to experience a full range of feelings or what I like to now call by the proper name of energy.  Feelings are just energy, plain and simple.  Society and those persons closest to us, tell us not to cry, not to be angry and ignore the anxiety and Just Do It.  It's both a natural reaction to cry but also it seems to try and stop someone from having an emotional catharsis.  How many times have you seen someone apologize for making someone cry or apologize for crying oneself and then making a joke about it?  It can go to the extreme though, as a good portion of America now numbs itself with compulsions or addictions.  Nowadays, there are more compulsions that you can shake a stick at.  The old standards are still there: alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, cleaning, exercising and newer ones with that have crept in with technology, all so we can avoid ourselves and the emotional energy that naturally comes up in life.  We are turning away from ourselves (and the Divinity within).  And it takes a lot of practice to turn towards oneself again.

For years, I have been listening to a marvelous teacher named Mary O'Malley, a therapist in Washington State.  In interviews, videos, and articles, Ms. O'Malley states that in essence befriending and being curious with the compulsion is the way through, not trying to fight it head on but rather using curiosity and compassion.

Curiosity and compassion towards myself? Are you kidding? How contradictory is this to the message from the diet industry which owns my compulsion:  restrict, and deny yourself through eating.   As then there is the Western mentality of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and white knuckling through whatever. 

I have been missing the curiosity and compassion component for years even though I had heard of it. I had no idea of how to do it.  I figured out I needed to feel my feelings so I started gutting myself through all of them.  I learned that anger is a sign that boundaries are being tread on and so I took different actions with certain people.   I faced anxiety and deep sadness head on.  I cried buckets, and sat with discomfort that I wanted to escape from more than anything.  A true bonus though, was learning that joy was in this mix of energy too.  I began to feel utter joy from simple encounters with my family, friends and nature because when you turn away and numb, you numb everything.

What Ms. O'Malley points out is that we judge our energy (feelings) and that keeps us in the vicious cycle.

I JUDGE MYSELF FOR HAVING THE ENERGY THAT COMES!

I'm screaming this because I need that to sink in as I practice acceptance. 

She describes four kinds of movements in regards to energy.  The first is anger that I'm not getting what I want.  The second is fear and I'm getting what I don't want.  The third is despair/sadness that I will never get what I want.  Lastly, Mary says the glue that holds them all together is judgement.

We want to escape the anger, sadness, fear and we try to think ourselves out of the shame, guilt and whatever else is associated with it.  In my head, I think so very many derogatory thoughts of myself.  Why am I feeling this way, no one else is?  I need to get over this.  I am so pitiful.  What can't I be stronger, etc. etc.  I beat myself up.  Let's just pile it on. That will make things better. NOT.

Ms. O'Malley does a brilliant in depth explanation of the next step and more in her book, The Gift of Our Compulsions, if you are so inclined.  I had a simple event recently that highlighted the act of compassion towards myself.  I know Mary knows what she is talking about but knowing and experiencing the phenomena are two completely different things.  Both of my kids went off in different directions for the first week of summer.  Four years ago on a Sunday,  I watched Mallory drive off on a bus towards camp, a destination 6 hours away for the first time, and I cried uncontrollably.  I couldn't contain it, and I couldn't pull it together to attend church.  Four years later, we were going to church on another Sunday, yet Mallory was already gone to Texas and we were going to be bringing Riley to catch the bus for a weeklong mission trip. As I got dressed that morning, I immediately experienced a strong wave of "I've got to cry" sadness.

And then something brilliant happened if I do say so myself.  In that wave, I immediately accepted the fact that I was going to cry my eyes out and deemed that it was okay.  NO BIG DEAL. I packed up makeup to refresh myself so that I could go to church.  And I went on with my morning and the sad wave of energy passed.

I didn't resist the energy, or judge it.  I know how much I love my girls and I'm watching them grow up and be independent, which I didn't learn until my forties.  Four years ago,  I was probably crying for my own self who was scared of everything and transferring it to Mallory. She was totally fine and excited. But it doesn't matter why I cried.  This time,  I ACCEPTED IT.  My goal here is self acceptance and love.

Energy comes and goes. Learning compassion and curiosity towards myself, opens my heart to those around me and in the world.  It's my new practice.

Feelings, whoa, whoa, whoa feelings.  Again in my heart.

Namaste.

Turning Fifty, Donna Summer, & Unused Creativity

Yesterday afternoon, I was mundanely picking up my lovely child from volleyball practice. Prior to the drive, I had been busy planning an event that I'm in charge of for the first time and my mind has been filled with details, emails and a little anxiety.  On the way home, I tuned to the 70's station of Sirius Radio.  The first few bars of a song played and I quickly grabbed the volume knob and turned it up as loud as I thought Mallory could take it.

And then I turned it up a little more.

My energy level shot up.  I began bracing to happily belt out words to a long ago familiar song.



~Stringed instruments~

"Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again....AGAIN

~Insert wicked laugh and groovy dancing music....

I have no idea what the lyrics mean but I bellowed out the ones that I remembered. And I laughed while doing so because what does that cake represent.  I haven't known for thirty years.  But my spirit lifted.  My mood shifted.

I LOVE MUSIC.

I love how unbelievably fast that music can change my energy and lift my soul up.

While I walked the dogs this morning, I began a You Tube play list of groovy dancing music from my era of the late 70's and 80's.  Why have I never pulled together all of the music that makes me so happy?  I became lost in it and will pay the price by going to the later, more advanced yoga class.  Oh well, my intuition has told me I needed to step up anyway.

Music, the arts, writing and more falls under being creative. Creativity comes from a higher power.  Unused creativity is not benign.  I remember when I heard that in a podcast with Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert.  That WOKE me.  What Brene learned from the research was that when you do not use what you have been given, it can eat you up inside and make you sick with resentment, grief, and heartbreak.  Ohhhhh.   That gift of God must be used.  I need to write.  I need to dance.  I need to turn up the volume on what pleases my soul.  And we are all creative people, it's not just the arts.  It can encompass using your brain to think out of the box.  What holds me back?  Time and worrying about what other people think. But when I make the time and let go and use it...

It makes me a more LOVING and JOYFUL person (which is why God planned it that way)

I do need to stop worrying about what others opinions are of me.  I am turning fifty this year.  It is a decent number milestone.  It is making an impression on me because my birthday isn't until August and it's been on my mind!!  At this point in my life, I have to get on the horse or not ride at all and be sick with heartbreak and grief.  I can feel it.   It is also the tenth year of writing this blog. How did that happen?  I have been finding myself and my soul, slowly, through this writing and other means.  Once again, the point about finding my authenticity is that it is divinely given.  As I peel back the layers of stories I tell yourself, of who I  think I'm supposed to be, and find out what makes my soul sing, I find the Creator.

The very essence of the beginning of life and LOVE.

So I will try a little harder to fit Donna Summer and 80's music in but also find time for quiet which is where my writing naturally evolves.

Namaste.

It's a great podcast!! Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert: Season 1, Episode 12: Brene Brown on "Big Strong Magic"

The Story of Tonight

The family ventured to Chicago the very last week of summer before school started.  I didn't plan out this trip other than vague notions of places we wanted to go.  Mallory had heard the Museum of Science and Technology was great. (It was!)  Riley wanted to explore her roots at the Polish museum and eat at a Polish restaurant.  George rolls with us ladies, bless him. I had looked into theater.   The only musical I found was "An American in Paris" and no one was thrilled about seeing it, including me so I let it go.  And then, about seven days before we left, I randomly looked online again.  And this search discovered... Hamilton.  

What?!!!  

I didn't know it has been in residence in Chicago since September 2016.  My heart started beating quickly.  Were there tickets?  The excitement began building.  I had given up and felt helpless trying to see Hamilton at all.  We had gone to NY last summer but tickets were rare and extremely expensive. So I just let the idea of seeing the wildly phenomenal musical go.  I also let the touring version go, because it seemed too hard to do. 

I let the desire die.

I was throwing away my shot.

(I didn't even know the music...and I didn't know that was a line)  But not for long.

I just knew many, many people loved the show, and it was about American history which my family is into and it won Tonys. 

So now, this discovery that it is in Chicago!  And... there were a few tickets in the very back still available!! Boom! I knew I just wanted to be in the room where it happens.  So I brought it with the girls.  Mallory was interested but she was more interested in Aladdin.  Riley did not care although she had been the one that led to my search for NYC tickets the year before.  I texted George, and bless him, he left it up to me. He was my George (Washington) on my side.

I percolated on it during the day while on errands. Do I say no to this? Is it too much $$?  But was it worth it to blow us all away?  Do I drag the girls (well, Riley because I knew Mallory would be satisfied)  The irony is that we were originally only going to stay two nights in Chicago before we headed to Wisconsin to visit relatives.  My intuition made me push it to three nights thinking there would be things to do in the big city.  And that third night ending up being the night of the availability of tickets. (And the day before my birthday!!) 

So, we did go, and it was freaking fabulous!  But in all honesty, getting there wasn't pretty.  I have claustrophobia and it kicked in just thinking about getting on a plane before this trip.  I also have a fear of crowded spaces and this was a packed small venue with two balconies.  And in the end, my excitement over this very special opportunity helped ease my fear of flying.  Riley is not as enthralled with theater as Mallory and I are, and she would have stayed at the hotel if allowed.  She wanted to take a break after being on a Mission Trip the previous week.

But we dragged her. 

I don't really know what my expectations were but it went beyond them even knowing how popular it was. I was verklempt when sat down in our last row seats of the first balcony.  Mallory was my right hand man.  The energy in the place was palpable and I was thrilled to have seats next to the exit door!! To save money, George and Riley were on the same row but the opposite side of the theater.


The week before we went, Mallory listened to the soundtrack on YouTube and already had her favorites.  I borrowed the CD from my neighbor and listened in the car as George and I drove to Florida to pick Mal up from a trip.  The three of us listened to the second act (each act has 23 songs!) on our way back to Baton Rouge and I was moved to goosebumps and tears listening to the very last song.  "Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?"  I wasn't alone being moved by the last song.

What comes next?

This musical was simply and utterly beyond.  I was transfixed in my seat and knew I needed to soak it all in as much as possible.  The story, the choreography, the talent blew me away. It was such a combination of history, hip hop, Broadway ballads and pop. Mallory and I were thrilled and chatted back and forth quietly. When King George walked out to the stage and before he said anything, people clapped. The same for the actor who played Hamilton.  The excitement of the crowd was thrilling.

And when it was over, wait for it...George said Riley laughed and smiled. And Riley told on George and said he cried at the last song. Seriously, I have only see him cry at Seabiscuit and Secretariat.

He knew it was something special.

Since we have been back in Baton Rouge, I have found a few people who have seen it or those who know every line to every song and want to see it.  And we gush non stop about how good it is and it's hard to find words to describe it.  That's when you know it's something extraordinary. 

So very glad I did not throw away my shot.

Your obedient scribe.

C. Gol

Watching Unity on the Dance Floor

Saturday night was a Mardi Gras Ball for the Youth at our church.  My eighth grade daughter invited a study group of hers from school as her guests.  We made a production out of it with a pre-party at our house beforehand.  It was fun to have the teenagers come and watch the young ladies and gentlemen now mingle together with a tad bit of awkwardness.  I wish we could have invited everybody but as I put 8 kids into my 6 passenger car to drive them home, I know there is only room for so many. They begged to be together on the drive home and go to Waffle house after... but I declined the restaurant as I was wiped out.  Maybe I should have.  We are all only young once.

During the dance, I poured drinks for the attendees and chatted with the other chaperones and spied a little.   I really wanted to dance though.  I'm always called to the dance floor especially with some 80's music.  I did get to dance last weekend at another Mardi Gras Ball.  The whole family attended but did not dance together as I naively thought we would.  Who was I kidding?  They are almost both teenagers now.  What was I thinking?!!  I did get to sing Bon Jovi at the top of my lungs with a complete stranger.  So...much...fun!

Music has an energy all of it's own that is so good for the soul.

Who doesn't need some uplifting?

Towards the end of the evening,  I am counting down the minutes til it's time to bring the group home.  And then I hear "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.  Oh yes!  They played this last year.  I climb up on the stage to video.  While I'm videoing, I hear the joyous screams that came with the massive shooting out of shiny confetti and I think how lucky I am to catch this on my phone.  Since then, I have watched this video over and over.  The energy of it captivates me.  I see such an exciting energy that only music can do.  As I hear the chorus of young voices chanting, "the smell of wine and cheap perfume," I chuckle.  And then as the beat of the music gets faster, I can barely make out but know the arms are in the air and bodies are jumping up and down. Together.  The foam fingers give it away.

Unity.  Excitement.  Energy.

That energy is so captivating.  On Sunday as I drove to pick up Mallory from a sleepover, I found the song and streamed it through the car speakers and turned it way up and sang very loudly as I can only do when I'm alone in my car.

My soul was uplifted and I went to a happy place.

I forget how much music moves me.

Namaste

(Enjoy - you may have to click it twice to go to You Tube to watch it)

I Think I Can Be A Dramatic Actress

It was the day after Christmas and I needed a cry.   The feelings just sit on my chest and I can tell the energy needs to pass through.  There is so much buildup for Christmas in so many different ways.  The pressure of the season to have the "most wonderful time of the year" amidst decorating, present buying, party attending, card distribution, AND celebrating the reason for the season along with getting together with relatives.  And then it's over, just like that.

I have had to lower my expectations.

In the car the last week or so, I heard the band Alabama, singing "Angels Among Us" and I immediately started a full out ugly cry within seconds of hearing the chorus.  So this morning while the kids were still sleeping, or so I thought, I played a video to bring the feeling sitting on my chest out.  As soon as I hear the children's chorus, the tears start falling.  It's so cathartic and so needed.  My youngest walked in, sat by me, asked what was going on and I said that I missed GaGa.  She tenderly sat next to me, put her arm around me and watched the video with me, and I told her it's okay to cry.  I absolutely love that we have this moment.  She is learning that all emotions are okay.  And then we carried on with the rest of our day.

I think I have the skills to be a dramatic actress now.  (he he)  I see what actors have to tap into- to bring it, to bring that palpable depth of emotion.  It is not easy whatsoever.  And it's that vulnerability that draws the audience in.  It is some of the hardest work I have ever done to sit with the most exquisite discomfort and allow it to flow.  It has taken years of practice because I emotionally shut down after the postpartum depression I had.   And actors do this for a living.  They purposely bring up this painful stuff.  I have read and listened to actors talking about their processes and it is fascinating and therapeutic.

This is also where numbing can take place if you think the pain of whatever it is too much.  For myself and so many, numbing is the answer because it's excruciating to be with that pain.  I still numb some and it may always be part of my repertoire yet I have other coping skills now.  One of them is writing and for so many years I have been doing so in blog form and this year has not been a good year for that.  I have felt stuck and I have to do something about it.  I have begun to do handwrite in a journal and it is a much different practice than typing it on a computer.  It takes time to learn to do that practice.

This year, I went through a major shift with a person in my life.  It reached a point where I had to let go of ever connecting at the level that I so very deeply desired.  I had to let go of expectations on my part that would never be fulfilled and I was devastated.   I grieved and realized that I spent a lot of energy on something that was not producing.  It was time to move on and free up energy and see what else is out there to connect with that I'm not imagining.  Letting go can make room for something bigger?  I live with such great intention on many areas but this area tripped me up so much.   I need to stop and evaluate what is working and what is not and move on.

I have to lower my expectations for some people, places and things and move on to new areas and adventures.

Although I understand the acting technique, I don't think I will be taking any head shots or taking a Playmakers theater class anytime soon.  I don't think it is where my heart lies.   I can tap into sadness, anger and joy pretty easily.  I need a little more work with joy I think.  But I will continue to enjoy the arts as much as I always have.   There is a reason the Oscars are my favorite time of year.  It is the reason that I LOVE going to the movies.  It is the reason songs can move me to tears or happiness within seconds.   The movies I'm drawn to are the ones all about humans and their emotional entanglements.  This is who I am.

Namaste.

I Said No, Finally

Vacation Bible School was this week.  When the email came out a few months ago, I did something that it took years for me to do.  I sent out a polite email and said, I would not be volunteering this year.

I said no.

Not only did I not volunteer, I haven't even been driving to church every morning.  My teenager is working VBS as a youth leader and my ten year old is participating in Mission Day Camp and we are carpooling!!  I have volunteered for the last 10-12 years. Two years ago, I went totally nuts and led (the children) through a week of Mission Day Camp and if that wasn't enough, I volunteered to be in charge of the craft for VBS.   I put my time in.  And it wasn't without inner turmoil.

From the very beginning, VBS overwhelmed me.  Coming from a very small country church with a handful of kids, I distinctly remember walking into my large church's gym for the first time and feeling overpowered by the intensity of nearly four hundred kids.  I didn't even have my own kids yet.  This gym was boisterous, loud, and full of energetic children.  And for several of the next years, I was responsible for groups of those loud, energetic children.  And even though the week wore me down like no other, and I had no energy for my own children, I persisted in volunteering year after year because that is what I was supposed to do.

In hindsight, I worried what it would look like that I was a stay at home mom who did not volunteer for VBS.   I let my concern over what I thought other people would think prevail over what I absolutely knew was true about myself. And then throw God in the mix and I was totally set up for years of inner angst!  I was never meant to be a teacher of kids.  I tried really hard to mold myself into that but it didn't work.  Girl Scout leader didn't stick either.

Yet I learned.  One year, I filled out a scathing review at the end of the week because I did not know how to ask for help.  That year, I was leading an "active" group that needed a lot of intervention and my co-leader's daughter got sick and I was ALONE with my lot.  I needed to ask for more help but I did not want to bother anybody.  I was miserable and it seeped out in the questionnaire.

Over time, I learned to listen to my intuition, I learned to be assertive, I learned that I was capable of leading children, I was capable of being in charge of something important but it is not my passion.  When you are passionate about something, it is near effortless and you gain energy!  What feels like work in one area, just flows in another.  (and that's God flowing through)

I am an introvert (albeit a social one).  Being around people drains me, especially children : )   I have to cocoon for a long time after spending a week with four hundred children.  Every summer, I would have an emotional meltdown towards the end of the summer and it was awful.  I didn't know how to listen to my intuition, and act on it.  I didn't ask for a quieter job.

But I know now.

But the mind is a funny thing. This past Monday morning, even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that I was hanging my VBS volunteer hat up for good, I did feel the need to tell two near strangers at church, that I was not working this year.  And guess what? THEY DID NOT CARE.

I'm the only one that cared!

 I'm the one that had to change my thoughts about it.  The only person I had to truly disappoint was me.  (well my oldest is giving me a small amount of flak, but she's a teenager and well, you know...) Thoughts are so powerful.  Paying attention to what you tell yourself about any given situation is so powerful.  Are the thoughts true?  Is the story that is repeated all day long in your head, true?  Those thoughts can mean misery or freedom.  It is the most important thing to do, to challenge the thoughts that you tell yourself about yourself all day long.  It takes time, but they can be rewired.

So today is the last day of VBS, and I am not even going for the closing service.  I will show up at noon when it's completely over, and gather my children together.  And I'm at peace with that.  I get to stay at home and write today. Pure Bliss.

Namaste

Postscript: Everyone should volunteer for a few years if able.  I just volunteered for about five years too long.

My First Aerobics Class Since 2008

I stepped out of my comfort zone this afternoon.  And I say Hallelujah every time I do this in large and small ways.  I attended a zumba type dance class.  I have not attended any type of "fitness" class other than yoga in many years.  I can tell you exactly when I walked away.  The scene is perfectly etched in my mind.  I see it.

It was 2008 and it was a horrible Muscle Works Class at a local gym.  I wrote about it on June 13, 2009 entitled "Nightmare in Muscle Works"  The instructor was a meanie.  I just reread what happened and I forgot some of the interaction that went on between she and I.  I don't do well with meanies.  Life is too short to deal with people that are negative and condescending.  It was such a defining moment that I walked away from ever attending another class like that for nearly 8 years.

At that time, I did decide yoga was my pathway for class settings but even that was in a very tepid, careful way.   And I LOVE YOGA and what it does for me.    I have had a love/hate relationship with "exercise" for a long time and I'm coming out of it.  That class or rather, that teacher made me feel inferior and discouraged about exercise classes, and I let her.  But yoga helped me work through it.

I realized tonight that I let that one person affect me dramatically.  There were plenty of other classes and teachers and gyms.  Yet, that is okay.  This was supposed to be my journey.

Found a picture on FB! That is me all the way to the left.

So this afternoon, I went to a Refit dance class taught by a teacher and another parent from my children's school.  I have been watching another Facebook friend post about the Refit classes she teaches for a couple of years now.  I was probably invited to attend one but it never entered my mind, that I could DO the class.  It looked somewhat appealing but in my head, I said, I can't.

That is so sad.

But I feel differently today.  I needed to walk away all those years ago.  I needed to practice yoga and develop a healthier relationship with exercise.  I am learning to listen to my body and know that it likes to move.  Not every single day but movement has become joyful moreso than "I HAVE to do this."  My body is a temple and I want to take care of it and that is sinking in more and more.  When I was resistant to going even to yoga, which I have been doing for fourteen years, my friend says she looks upon it as a massage.  I had never thought of it that way.  That is sinking in too.

Now, I WILL be sore for the next few days.  I can already feel some muscles feel like jello.  But it is great to move unused muscles and there is ibuprofen after all.

So, I plan to make another class soon and keep trying. It will take some time to learn the moves but it was fun.  It was a wonderful way to move my body with music and other women and no meanies.

Namaste.

Learning to Live with The Energy: Donald Trump, Susan Boyle and Christmas

Over the last 7-8 years, I have taught myself how to feel my feelings again.   The years during infertility and especially postpartum depression really affected me.  I cried so much during that period of time, it was exhausting and I recall the despair very easily. I did not want to go down that rabbit hole of darkness and despondency ever again.

When I showed up in therapy (to lose weight) (smile),  I didn't know that I had made an unconscious decision not to cry anymore.  I learned over the next few months and years, that wasn't a good move.  It was protective, but not healthy for my soul at all.  Most of our society runs from it's feelings and compulsively avoids them at all costs.  It runs the gamut:  alcohol, shopping, religion, sports, legal and illegal drugs, food, cleaning, hoarding, perfectionism of anything, and the latest one, electronic devices which are all used to avoid the energy that is part of life.

How many times have you heard that it is a bad thing to cry?  "I'm sorry I made you cry." "Please don't cry."

I am learning to make friends with that energy that comes my way naturally every day.  And make friends with all of it including the so called negative emotions of anxiety, grief, fear and sadness.  As well as the "positive" ones: joy, laughter, and fun.  It was most surprising to me that when you block feelings and stay numb, you block all of them even the "good" ones.

I have had to learn how to have fun, be playful again because having fun made me extremely uncomfortable too.

Seriously.

Life is full of despair.  It will come again.  That is guaranteed.  As does the joy.

In therapy, I lost my religion, gained a loving relationship with God and most importantly learned to let go of fear (what I was running from avoiding the feelings) and embrace LOVE.  Hence, the title of my blog.

It takes so much practice though.  And it's very uncomfortable in the beginning and at times, I still freeze up.

But life will give you practice.

Death, Sickness, Terrorism, Donald Trump for President.  (grin)

In decorating for Christmas, thoughts turn to my mother in law.  She loved Christmas especially knick knacks.  We went through more of her belongings this past weekend and let go of more Christmas knick knacks.  As we played holiday tunes on the way to school this morning, I had a thought that I should have held on to some of those knick knacks.

Yet, I hate knick knacks.

So as I was cleaning up, I felt myself in that most uncomfortable place of sadness sitting on my chest.  How do I let it flow?  Hmmm.  I had pulled out Christmas CD's the night before. What music will make me cry?

I put on Susan Boyle and listened to "Perfect Day" which did the trick.

"Oh, it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you"

The tears fell.  I felt like Ga Ga was with me.  And she was.

And the energy has passed for now.

Some more will come again.  That is life.

Namaste.

Deep Stuff That You May or May Not Be Interested In, But Rocks My World

"If you respect your own emotions and regard them with affection and a lack of judgment, and if you persist in allowing yourself to feel those emotions and to let them move ever deeper, you shall find that the gift begins to bear fruit as you feel yourself becoming more spacious within, more responsive to the deeper emotions. You will find that you are an alchemist turning disharmony into harmony, fear into love, darkness into light. It is a natural process and it begins with the disharmony, with the darkness. Such are the ways of spirit.
And that is why we say that things are perfect at all times, although they may be uncomfortable. Do not cringe away from your suffering, but rather cradle yourself as you endure through the natural process of the alchemy of the transforming energy, of the love in your open heart."

From "The Law of One" Books.
Never heard of them but this was a quote I saw and 

From someone who is learning to process every feeling that comes my way - this is so absolutely true.  From fear to love.  From the unbearableness and freaking uncomfortableness of it all to open heart. From dark to light. 

Namaste.

The Way I Look At Myself in the Mirror

The truth is the mirror has always been a really hard place.  And I NEVER, EVER, NEVER thought it would get any easier.  Yesterday, I read a sentiment of a female looking at an old picture of herself and she wondered how had she thought she was heavy at the time of the picture.

I've done the same thing.  I thought I was heavy in high school, and college, and in my thirties, etc.  And in the past, I have looked at those pictures and thought, wow, if I could only be at that weight now.

I could fly with that weight.

So evidently, in my teens, the body image distortion was already in place and thriving.  Negative thoughts about myself were abundantly flowing.

I have been wanting to really write about body image for 2-3 years now, but something has been holding me back.   I feel like I shouldn't have a voice because my BMI is higher than I would want.  Yet, I have been in groups of thin and average sized women recently and was startled to hear complaints that they are fat, and worried about how their clothes look, and they shouldn't be eating this food, etc.

Body image distortion (and issues with food) are abundant and pervasive.

And I think, "Well, I'm not the only one."  And then my critical self thinks, "Yes, but you do have some weight to lose so you have no right to an opinion." In years past, I felt it was necessary to announce to anyone that would listen, that I knew I needed to lose weight and how I was working on that.  It makes me shudder to think that I thought so little of my self.  The self that an abundantly loving divine presence made.

And Love is the answer after all.

After many diligent years and intentional work of learning to love myself unconditionally, the result has been a shift in my core belief and the thoughts in my head.  

Weight does not equal self worth.  I am not my weight.

Ohhh, I've hit a nerve.  Tears sprang to my eyes when I wrote that.  Coming to this truth has been so hard.  My therapist says body image is one of the issues that takes the longest to heal.    It's a booger.  (smile)  If you look at any media, there it is.  We as women, at every turn, are told we need to lose weight, look younger, defy aging, have larger breasts, etc.  That is one of the reasons I avoid commercials, among other things.

One way that I know that I'm healing my body image is by putting on a form fitting long gown and going out to a formal occasion.  This was a huge step.  I have done it a few times in the last few years and it was uncomfortable each time, I hesitated to go.   Yet at a point during the evening, I think, wow,  I'm having such a great time how can that be?   Even though there's more of me than I would like.  Am I allowed to have fun even though my dress size is double digits?  Am I allowed to have fun even though the local boutiques don't even carry something to fit me? 

Absofuckinloutely.

(Pardon my French, the point just didn't seem the same without the swear word - Thanks Mr. Big!) 

Another way I know I'm healing is my yoga practice.  I have been choosing to go to yoga because my body wants to move.  (or walking, or bike riding, or turning on the music and dancing!)  I have to be very careful about making myself do any particular activity because "I'm supposed to."  As I have worked to diminish the crappy "supposed to" thoughts in my head, I have learned my body tells me pretty much every day that it wants to move.  And I'm hearing it and responding on most days.  And it feels delightful, empowering, joyful and strengthening.  So different than when I did it because I was "supposed to."  It's coming from a much healthier vantage and one that I look forward to instead of dreading.  (And my body will also tell me what food it needs for fuel as I have shed the diet mentality and supposed to's in that area as well.)

While practicing yoga in different studios, there tend to be large mirrors.  Form fitting clothing works best for yoga.  I unconsciously or consciously refrained from going many times because of the fear of the mirror, or what others would think, etc.   Here's the flummoxing part: in practice at a mirrored studio, in my head with my eyes closed, I feel lean and strong.  And then I open my eyes and the mirror does not match what's in my head.  This startled and shocked me the first few times it happened and it still does even now but to a lesser degree.

As my body has wanted to move and I listen, I have been practicing more regularly and moved up to the harder class.  Through this repeated exposure, I've been making friends with my appearance in the mirror.  Slowly, ever so slowly, over time, the thoughts that I'm not enough have been fading and ones that I am enough as I am have been forthcoming. And even with aches and pains here and there in my body, over time, the predominant feeling that has been emerging is one of strength.  The practice of yoga is not only strengthening my body, but my mind and my spirit.  It feels so freaking good to move through the positions, and it feels like a solid flow, as well as shaky, sweaty, catching, breathing hard and muscles aching.   I try poses even for just a few seconds that my head tells me I can't.  I hold that harder position and my body and mind grow.  The I can't begins to fall away.

I am flying in this body.

Namaste.

A Girl and Her Dogs

This morning before school, Mallory got out of bed without any prodding whatsoever.  She was so excited to help walk our neighbor's dogs.  Last night, she walked them with a wet head from her bath.

This girl loves her dogs.

And it's catching.

She wore me down endlessly asking for a dog in 2012.  We finally got one.  And then when that one was scared of George, I felt bad about a man not having a dog that loved him.  And Mallory was asking for another dog anyway, so we got another one last year.  And Brinkley LOVES George.

And they sleep in our bed. And sit on our couches.  And I had to learn to be the alpha of the house. It has not been an easy journey.  And that's not even mentioning the carpet that needs to be replaced.

But this morning as we raced to get out the door to have time to walk them before school, I catch Mallory's perpetual enthusiasm for her dogs and her dogs' friends.  Riley does too.  Mallory makes comments the whole time about the dogs and their personalities and how they walk and their relationship to each other, etc.

When you LOVE something so much - it spills over.

And other people get caught in that energy of LOVE.

Maybe it's because she is my child and it warms my heart to see her so excited about something.  Maybe it's because, the unconditional love of dogs is wearing me down.  {smile}

When that energy of love is put out there, it comes back to you.

The small but powerful act of Living In the Present Moment is huge.
A dog walk can be the best beginning of the day.

The Power of Energy - Revisiting Newton's Third Law

Last night, I attend an LSU Ladies Gymnastics Meet.  It was proven to me once again Newton's Third Law of Motion.

What you put out, will come back.

I wrote about it here in September 2012.  http://timetogolightly.blogspot.com/2012/09/everything-you-done-to-me-already-done.html back

The young lady in this video is Lloimincia Hall.  I saw her "perform" last year or the year before and I knew that it would be good but...it exceeded all my expectations and made me believe again!!  And luckily, LSU Gymnastics loaded the video so I could watch it over and over.  Riley can tell you how tired she is of listening to it.

But I'm not.

Ms. Hall takes to the mat and expects you to engage in her floor routine and I for one, can't help but get fully engrossed.  The self confidence and swagger just exudes from her demeanor.  She owns the floor. I LOVE it!

I'm sure I respond because for one, I had such little self confidence growing up and two, I am more open and responsive now.

And it doesn't hurt that she threw in a little "Earth Wind and Fire!"

And they beat Alabama.

Law of Attraction...

I am beginning to understand this.  When I give just a little opening for possibilities instead of negativity, I see what blossoms!  

"The Alignment with Who You Are!"

From Abraham-Hicks

"You spend way, way, WAY, too much of your life, if you spend any of it, trying to make others understand where you’re coming from. Because they can’t get you...

It’s a waste of life to spend any time trying to convince others of your point of view. And even more, trying to persuade them to approve of you or appreciate you through the presentation to them that you are offering.

Yet almost everyone of you is offering a presentation to others to evoke some sort of response from those around you.

Now, pleasing others – we’re not against it. We’re not saying that you shouldn't be nice to live with and that sort of thing. But when you care more about the perspective of those that you walk around in human form with, you care more about their perspective than you do about your alignment with who you are, you’re letting them, and you’re letting yourself, train yourself away from your guidance system.

Let it not matter if one other person gets you at all. Because ultimately, if you consistently go with the flow of your vortex and align with who you are, if you ultimately sync up with the whole of who you are, you will begin radiating such a consistent vibration of love and wellbeing that in time, anyone who is in the vicinity of you WILL get you. And anyone who’s not, won’t get you, but they weren’t going to get you anyway."