Allowing Persons (and Dogs) To Be Who They Are

These are my buddies.  I never had an inside dog that I bonded with until this beagle, Annie, on the right.  A year later, we adopted the mixed breed, Brinkley because Annie was fearful of George.  Brinkley has taught me unconditional love and Anne, well, she has increased the amount of laughter in the household immeasurably.  In the past year plus, the teenage girls in the house obsess over Ann (the name they began calling Annie)  I have to send pictures when they are away from the house. They come and greet her, and ignore Brinkely. I don't try to understand it, I just roll with it although Brinkley is so much more responsive in every way unless it's the food bowl.

It is my job to walk them in the morning. My husband, George walks them at night. Sometimes on the weekends, he walks them both.  We had a brief conversation that I would walk them today.  I became busy with stuff inside and George was busy outside.

And then I tried to walk the dogs.

Brinkley was raring to go in his youthful self. Annie not so much. After her vet appointment yesterday and with the evidence of her ever whitening fur coat, we know she's reaching her elder years.  We don't know her exact age, but now there is a heart murmur ( And an every present cherry eye that no longer ruins my appetite.)

So Annie very reluctantly comes to the front door when I call, but we don't get very far in the walk and she is not budging.  Brinkley is way ahead of me, and Annie is lagging way behind.  A jogger going by, laughed and said, "Resistance." I laughed, and said yes, she is resistant.

And then a magical thing occurred... I accepted it.

I accepted Annie for who she was in that moment.

Why fight her on this? I will be home this morning and let her outside to relieve herself. George will be home this afternoon. She obviously doesn't want to walk.

So I accepted it.

I know this is a dog but you know ... I have fought with this dog a lot, early on. She peed on my carpet and ruined it on one side of the house. I did not like her for a long while.  She tried to escape several times, and it came to a point, that if it wasn't for the chip that identified her as ours, I would have let her go.  I had to learn boundaries with her.  And once that was established, LOVE.

Also, she might be sore from her shots. So I dropped her off back at the house and continued with Brinkley. But he was acting weird too.  He was choosing to lay down on the ground and rub his back on the grass multiple times.  He looked ecstatic in these actions.

Then I get the text from George and it all made sense.

So much for communication. 

What I took away from this little escapade. People (and dogs) will show me who they are in the moment or on an ongoing basis.  I am learning to believe them. Even bigger is to accept them for who they are and know that it is not a reflection of who I am.  

That is the kicker. 

It is not a reflection of who I am. 

I didn't even get mad at George.  It was funny. 

Namaste. 

Hits and Misses

This morning as I eased my way out of bed in a fog and the darkness of the newish Daylight Savings time change, I looked down and noticed I missed stepping in cat hairball throw up by mere inches.

Hits and misses

In my best Debbie Reynolds' "Singing in the Rain" interpretation..."What a lovely morning!  Good morning, good morning, We've talked the whole night through, good morning, good morning to you!"

There is a significant chill in the air on this March morning in south Louisiana. One that I celebrate and adore before the heat and humidity begin kicking in all too soon.  I love that I have to put on George's long heavy robe to bring the dogs outside.  I take them in the darkened back yard as the sun is barely coming up on the front of the house. I had to turn the outside lights on to be able to see.  Annie has done her business on the right side of the yard and receives her expected treat.  I have been training Brinkley to go as well.  We are on the left side of the pool near a dark corner.  As I am straining to see whether his leg has been lifted,  I look up and notice the beautiful moon shedding a faint light in the darkened sky.  It took a few seconds to orient that it was the moon!!

I check his leg and I gaze up again at the moon, trying to experience it's magnificence and I'm startled by the sight and the sounds of by a flock of birds flying in formation which the view of, had been previously blocked by our shade tree.  Breathtaking!  I look down again and there's dog poop on the patio.

Hits and misses

This is life.

There is unexpected beauty while dodging dog poop.  I may not be awake enough to catch it every time but when I am, it's always a thrill like it's never happened before.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Some days, I have no energy from running here and there or in place with whatever is necessary in mine and my family's life.  My mood is low and I feel I'm not enough.  I used to be scared of these kinds of days. I have now become accustomed to the fact that those feelings will flow and my energy will return and my mood will rise.  And sometimes, the next day I will wake up more rested and ready to spot the light of the moon and hear the unexpected honk of the birds in flight and marvel and miss the dog poop and celebrate.

Namaste.

Annie Ruined the Carpet and I Despised Her

Annie was our family's first dog.  It was quite the experience when we adopted her in 2012.  She peed on the carpet in our spare room and in Mallory's room repeatedly and I despised her.  I truly, truly despised her and didn't see what having a dog was about at all.  George and I would have disagreements about how to handle the situation, that were worse than disagreeing about parenting.  I think for me because it was a freaking dog and we didn't have to have her or this stress in the first place.  I will admit that I would resent Mallory who wanted the dog in the first place.    I remember Annie trying to run away and I thought, GO!  (Though, she had a chip and would eventually be returned to us.)  It was very ugly in the beginning.  And in hindsight, it was all about boundaries.  I had to learn to have some...with a dog.  I had to learn boundaries with her and it was a great indicator of how to do it with humans as well.

Annie is not an affectionate kind of dog either unlike Brinkley who is a true unconditional loving dog.   Annie has her own way, but I'm learning to respect her for who she is because she can be freaking funny when she is falling asleep.  Brinkley will follow me into the closet when I'm having an ugly cry.  He doesn't lick my face but he sits with me.  What other creature will do that?  Annie, on the other hand,  only pays attention to you when you have the promise of food, or when she is frightened of the weather or the cats.  The rest of the time, she is asleep and loudly snoring.  She is
who she is.

Boundaries.  Anger is a sign that your boundaries aren't being respected or that you need to set some up!!  And it's not easy work and there is much practice, practice, practice.

The picture to the left is from the book, "The Artist's Way."  As you can see it spoke to me.  Anger is not about the other person or dog!!!  It's about going inward and not acting out, but acting upon, making a change, unless you like to stay angry?  I was very angry at Annie with all the ruining of the carpet but I needed to think out of the box.  I had never had a dog, an old "set in her ways" dog at that and had no idea how to have an inside dog.  We had put her in a crate early on and she yelped.  So we backed down and didn't do that anymore.  In hindsight, that was the very thing we needed to do.  And use treats.  Treats are the bomb!  She may have yelped at the crate but she would have acclimated.  When we adopted Brinkley over a year later with urinating problems still going on,  we had bigger issues of biting, etc so we finally got a dog trainer in our lives.  I needed outside assistance to help us think out the box.  We eventually made our way around to crating Annie at night.  I don't even remember if she disliked it, but she now goes into the "sleeping box" as George calls it.   I know George thought it was harsh to put her in there and separate her from us.  He is such the softie.  But that has been the trick as well as taking her outside in the morning  and at other times of the day with the treat and demanding she "go potty."  This training takes time and practice.

Learning this big lesson that went on for more than a year with a dog, has been such the example of how to deal with people as well.  Thinking outside the box, not being entrenched in one way of doing things, letting go of expectations, and getting outside assistance if needed. Old dogs and I mean me   can learn new tricks.

And, so often, I am so thankful that my old soul Mallory, incessantly begged for a dog, not once but twice.  These four leggeds are members of our family.  I totally understand dog people now.  It took a while but I finally do.  And not all dogs are the same, just like children.

Don't They Look So Innocent?

One afternoon last week, Mallory's friend came over after school to play for a little while.  It is standard operating procedure now to keep Brinkley separate from anyone who comes to the house because of his umm… biting history.  This afternoon, the dogs were in the backyard and I went out with his correction collar and leash to bring them inside.  Well, Brinkley had dug under our fence and was loose between the gap that resides between our neighbor's fence and ours.  I opened the back gate to grab him and Annie shot out like a cannon. (Annie apparently only shoots out for food or for freedom)
Panic arises in my stomach.  I picture in my head the last time Brinkley and Annie escaped.   Brinkley chased after a girl on a skate board whom he thought was playing with him and nipped her on the leg. He spent time in Dog Juvie (Animal Control).

This was a dark period in my life.  (smile)

It was the time, that I learned a big lesson.  Not only do I need boundaries with humans but I need boundaries with dogs too!

What to do? I grabbed Annie and put the leash on her.  Thankfully, she doesn't move as fast as Brinkley. Okay, how to catch Brinkley.

I yelled his name with authority as sternly as possible.  I would walk slowly and deliberately with Annie in tow and as soon as I got close, he would run off again.  Brinkley thought this was a game.

O M G.  How am I going to catch this dog with the beagle holding me back?

But I repeated the same measure over and over and finally he stopped and let me grab him.

My friend was sitting in my driveway and asked if she could take pictures.  I love the colors of the tree right above my head.  

Don't the dogs look so innocent. They look so tiny to how I have them in my head. These two small dogs have made such an impact in my family's life.
Brinkley the loyal barker and biter and Annie the timid, hungry one.
Unconditional love.  Brinkley that is.  Annie unconditionally loves food.  But she does make me laugh.

Namaste.

Middle School Honors, Home Depot, Dogs and Grief

My daughter's Middle School Honors Program was two days ago.  Ten minutes before I am due to leave to attend, I break down in an ugly cry.  The feelings came swiftly and seemingly out of nowhere and these powerful emotions surprise me, but they were so cathartic.  The thoughts came in my head that I missed my mother in law and wished she was here and how proud she would have been of Riley and bam, the waterworks spewed.

Today would have been GaGa's birthday.  We lost her to nasty, ugly cancer two years ago.  

I miss my mother in law's unconditional love and enthusiasm for my children.  She loved them as if she had given birth to them herself.  As a mother, I wanted to keep that person on my team. 

This relationship with my mother in law didn't start out glorious.  It took the nineteen years I knew her to work through excitement, dread, commonality, and then unconditional love.  I learned how to have boundaries with her, especially while she was dying, and that was the greatest gift of all for this recovering people pleaser.  

Over the weekend, we found cushions that fit in the patio chairs that had come from her apartment.   I had a verklempt moment in the middle of Home Depot when I realized that they would work and they were pretty and we could keep this little part of her around.  

But she IS around.  My inconvenient crying prior to school events is her letting me know she is with us.  I'm sad she never met Annie or Brinkley.  She would have loved those dogs.  For this reformed cat lover, dogs are more active expressions of unconditional love. (and work and love…)  I know she must have been the one to help wear me down to Mallory's pleas  to agree to get the first one.  

And the second one.  

But GaGa, we are done with adding dogs for now!  And as Mallory has given up on begging for a puppy, I will not get a bunny either.   Two dogs, two cats, two kids.  We are brimming with four legged love. 

I know you are with us.  You are still a part of the team.  Happy 82nd Birthday!  Love you and miss you here walking beside us, but I still feel your presence.  

Namaste.

P.S. Riley would like to make mention that she won a merit medal for Science, is on Principal's List for All A's and was recognized by the Duke Tip program which she made me sign her up online which resulted in another trip to the stage to receive a certificate!

A Girl and Her Dogs

This morning before school, Mallory got out of bed without any prodding whatsoever.  She was so excited to help walk our neighbor's dogs.  Last night, she walked them with a wet head from her bath.

This girl loves her dogs.

And it's catching.

She wore me down endlessly asking for a dog in 2012.  We finally got one.  And then when that one was scared of George, I felt bad about a man not having a dog that loved him.  And Mallory was asking for another dog anyway, so we got another one last year.  And Brinkley LOVES George.

And they sleep in our bed. And sit on our couches.  And I had to learn to be the alpha of the house. It has not been an easy journey.  And that's not even mentioning the carpet that needs to be replaced.

But this morning as we raced to get out the door to have time to walk them before school, I catch Mallory's perpetual enthusiasm for her dogs and her dogs' friends.  Riley does too.  Mallory makes comments the whole time about the dogs and their personalities and how they walk and their relationship to each other, etc.

When you LOVE something so much - it spills over.

And other people get caught in that energy of LOVE.

Maybe it's because she is my child and it warms my heart to see her so excited about something.  Maybe it's because, the unconditional love of dogs is wearing me down.  {smile}

When that energy of love is put out there, it comes back to you.

The small but powerful act of Living In the Present Moment is huge.
A dog walk can be the best beginning of the day.

Learning How to Parent From The Obedience Trainer

My children have taught me the most about unconditional love.  They came into this world as I planned for them.  They look at me, expecting love and guidance unceasingly and they give it back to me with their whole hearts.  They NEED me more than anything has ever needed me.  It is an awesome responsibility and privilege.

I had to learn to have boundaries with them.  They need boundaries and I didn't know how to do that.  I had instincts but didn't know how to follow through.  I have learned so much in this area the last few years.

On a lighter note, the dogs are teaching me in the parts where I missed the lessons with the girls and needed secondary training…

Annie has been in our house since Father's Day 2012.  She owned the entire house.  She slept in our beds and sat on our furniture and peed and pooed on our carpet even though she was given other options to do so outside.  I never thought to confine her to one area.  Well, we did put her in the crate a couple of times in the very beginning and she howled and we didn't use it after that.

All we needed to do was not let her own the house…

And then came Brinkley, the barker and biter, who blew everything out the water.  I had to learn boundaries and in a hurry.  With the assistance of a very competent dog trainer, we had to teach him, that we, the humans, are in charge of the house!  Could the lesson be any more appropriate?  This issue WAS my issue.  Was I, the mother,  in charge of my own home?

I didn't own my own power.  I didn't know how to listen to my God given instincts.   The instincts serve me so well and I had to clear my head of thought processes that didn't work for me at all.

I now regular put Brinkley on a leash with a correction collar when we have guests and I have to knock him in the nose if he misbehaves.  This is uncomfortable but I see how totally necessary it is. We now confine Annie on a regular basis and there has been less dog pee in our house.  We instruct her to go potty outside and give her treats when she does.  It is a high maintenance training for the long haul.  She's an old dog learning new tricks.  Just like me.  I'm well seasoned but still so happy to be learning.

Namaste.

Watching The Beagles Brain Working

I was fascinated with this beagle.  How it worked to get the chicken nuggets.  I can see the brain working.  Fascinating.

My Wholehearted Definition was So Wrong

My kids are home all week for Easter Break and we have been hanging out at home.  Yesterday I hit my wall.  I told them I needed to be alone after a mid afternoon outing.  I haven't had my alone time, I haven't written.  I haven't had an adult female conversation.  I haven't gotten to read or explore my inner journey in any kind of way.

So what saves me?

Walking that darn dog.  At first, I wanted to make them walk the dog because they were home from school.  But I came to realize that I relished walking straight out the house and being by myself, even if it requires picking up poop.

I walk out the door and scramble to find something to listen to.  I find my library loaned audio recording of "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown.  I have talked about her before, her TED talk.  The core of her message is in order to be whole hearted we must be vulnerable.  (And of course being whole hearted is the goal!)  She has examined this issues via academic research and I love that my ahas have been proven via (social) science.  So as I'm be-bopping along, I think I understand what whole hearted means.  To me, it means loving other people with your whole heart.

And then I hear...

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness."

 The rest of the paragraph is pretty good but that is all I needed to hear.  I felt zapped in a good kind of aha way.  As I have begun to feel worthy, I have realized how unworthy I have felt and for how long, and that makes me sad.  And I want to cry and I can cry for all the time I didn't feel worthy but now I "know better."

Here comes the codependent stuff: I have always been more worried about other people's feelings than my own.  So my original definition of whole hearted revolved around what I could do for others.  Oh my.  (sad face)

Now I get that the more I take care of myself - tell my family I need alone time, hire a sitter, write, call a friend, read, move, that allows me to be more loving with them the rest of the time.  It actually puts a fire in me to love them more.

Self Love = ability to love others with open arms and open hearts.

I can hear my girls happily playing together right now.   It is music to my ears because I hear a lot of the opposite of that often.  I KNOW this happy play won't last for long, so I need to move on.  So glad I have had this quiet time.

Learning to Say No

I went to a women's spiritual retreat last weekend.  It had been several years since I had been to one and it was wonderful to have downtime by myself which is rare.  Even if it doesn't involve a television.

Before I even made it home from said retreat, I ended up with my family at a dog adoption event and they had already picked out their choice:  a "mostly" house-trained dog of unknown age but still chewing like a puppy.

What was I doing there?

I had three faces looking at me, begging me to take this not full grown dog home.  My gut told me, no.  I will be the one to take care of it most of the time and have to direct the others to care for it as well.  I hesitated for a few minutes while I learned the facts.  If we signed on the dotted line, which was our only choice at that moment, that dog was ours, forever.  I really wanted an out if it didn't fit in with the other four legged friends already at our house.

I said no.

This was a huge moment.  I went with my gut.   I had to handle being the "heavy" and the subsequent fallout.  Mallory cried and rode home with George.   Riley got in my car but wouldn't talk to me and she is not even that crazy about our current animals.

But that was okay.  It was hard to say no, and I have really only learned to say yes recently to new opportunities so I'm practicing boundaries in this area and won't always get it right.  But for now, I got it right.  I am relieved not to have another being in the house to take care of right now.  I have my hands full.

Just When I Needed You Most!

I went to bed feeling uneasy and angry but not at something that could be easily identified.  I woke up continuing to feel discombobulated.  I got the girls ready and out of the house and off to school with some typical irritation.  My youngest did ask me a profound question about something we discussed the night before as she does from time to time in her role as "old" soul.  And I knew a cry was coming and I worked to hold it together until I finished carpool.

As I walked back into the house, Annie, the dog greeted me and was ready for her morning walk.

I thought, "Oh here is the faithful companion!!" and she jumped and sat by me on the couch and I patted her head and my tears flowed for a few seconds.  I thought, oh, this is the solution for my old habit of needing someone to be there when I'm working through feelings and don't want to be alone.  Annie can sit with me.

And then she licked her butt.

Laughter through tears, my favorite emotion.

Walking the Dog: Simple but Profound

Day in, day out I walk the dog in the morning.    We got a dog because Mallory wanted one badly and we thought it would be a good family thing to do.  Yet, Annie is ALWAYS ready to go for a walk!  She is ready to put her head down and smell the smells and make her mark.  The one exception is when it is pouring down raining.

At first, I looked at this dog walk as an annoyance.  In the beginning weeks of June when we got her, I worried about the walks.  Do I have to walk her in the rain and how?  I did not want any more messes in the carpet which were abundantly occurring at the time so I worried every step of the way.  Was she going to pee and was she going to poop?  Do I need to walk longer to make sure?  Blah, blah, blah, but this was the way I thought.

I have evolved and I barely pay attention to her pee and poop except that I have to pick up the poop.  It just took time and practice.

First, it was the heat of the summer, and I used an umbrella to help shield the burning heat and to avoid more sun exposure.  Then, when it is raining, I used an umbrella.  What a novel idea, it's raining so I used an umbrella!  And recently,  the temperature was in the high 30's and I prepared accordingly.

This routine of walking Annie despite the weather has taught me that I can do things that I didn't think I could.  It's a simple act but it carries symbolic meaning.  No matter what, she wants to walk, her desire translates to forcing me into the activity that at first, overwhelmed me with indecision and FEAR.  Here is another example of "You don't know you are there until you are there."  When I realized that the basic format to walk the dog, was to put the proper attire on and go, it became so much easier and even enjoyable.  The routine of it, helped me realize that despite what is going on, rain or shine, I can persevere.  Very, very simple, but very profound for me.

And it doesn't hurt that she is always happy to see me.

 

Jumping in the Air

I knew I would learn things from having a dog, I had read about it.   I was walking her this morning after Hurricane Isaac slowly passed through our area.  Annie is a very skittish beagle.  She spends most of her time cowering from the cats, George (or most any man), loud noises, etc.   I thought about how much time this lovely little dog spent in fear.  I had an aha moment when I reached down to pick up the paper and she flinched at a noise.  I, like her, have lived so much of my life cowering, uncertain and crippled with fear.

It made me feel sad about Annie, and feel bittersweet for me.  I am coming out of it!  And it takes much diligent effort to work through these deeply ingrained feelings of inadequacy.   I am part of a wonderful private group on FB and there was a recent  discussion about fearing our feelings.  One person described it as a phobia.  I understand exactly what that meant.  When I had postpartum depression, I felt like I was losing control and life would never be the same.  After recovering from the depression to a "normal" state, PMS would then throw me into periods of massive uncertainty and questioning my thoughts.   I was so scared of them.  I think someone who had more self confidence would just be bitchy and move through it.  I was in agony thinking about why I felt that way and how I could get it to go away.

Also when I had a disagreement with someone, which rarely occurred because I would not speak up for myself, it devastated me, I didn't sleep and obsessed over the conversation.  I had learned never to speak up for myself even though really deep deep down I knew more.  Now I can see that it is just a difference of opinion and I can agree to disagree.   Someone else's opinion doesn't carry as much weight as it used to.  Codependency explains most of my behavior.  It took my therapist a year to tell me this information.  I guess that's how fragile I was.  I picked up the books and started going throughout their checklists, one symptom after the other, yes, yes, yes.  Okay, now I understood where I was, know how to move past it?

Food was my chosen numbing agent for these massively uncomfortable feelings.  And there is no quick fix to overcome this.  No diet can do the work to teach me how to love myself unconditionally.  That is my missing link and the work is hard but I am so passionate about overcoming this, it is a joy to embrace every aha and all of the pain and all of the peace.

Some of what I have learned is:
Learning acceptance of those around me for who they are,  not who I want them to be.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries for those people who I have thought could give me what I needed but are not able.
I needed to accept me for who I am and not what I thought others wanted me to be.  Being comfortable in my own skin and allow my authentic self to shine.
When I judge others it is just an extension of me judging myself.  And when I feel that from others - that is what they are doing to themselves as well.
Most every feeling I was numbing occurred much earlier in my life and circumstances would arise to take me back to that place in time and arrested development.
Feeling the feelings even if it feels like they will consume me, and allowing them to flow through.  It is an amazing process but takes much practice, practice, practice.
Realizing my thoughts (that ugly voice) are just thoughts and I can choose not to believe them and let them go as well.
I can give my own self the nurturing I lacked.
As I heal myself, I see God (higher power) and LOVE as the ultimate answer.  This is a huge difference from fearing God to seeing and feeling his LOVE.

All of the above have been so incredibly important to my journey.  I may be leaving something out but I'll come back to it another time.  It's time to go live life.

Just as I am learning to love all of me, and give myself unconditional love, I will continue to give it to Annie, the dog.  In the meantime, she does express massive joy when she greets us after we have been gone from the house.  She runs around so excitedly and jumps in the air in front of myself and the girls.  Her energy is palpable and you want to join in.

I feel that way too some days even without Annie. {big grin}

Mallory's Father's Day Card Comes Alive

To the right is George's Father's Day card from Mallory that she picked out.  By that afternoon, we had adopted a beagle just like the picture.  I am going to really pay attention to the cards Mallory, the six year old sage, picks out in the future.

So we have a dog.  Holy cow, how did that happen?  It's been almost 2 weeks.  These are the things I have learned:

*Annie made no noise on her first day with us, until we were drifting off to sleep at 10:30pm.  George got up and took her for a walk and massive anxiety crept in for the terrible mistake that I let happen.
*Annie likes to pee on the carpet but she has at least sprinkled on the old carpet that I want to change and not my new rugs.
*Vinegar and baking soda have a lot of uses!
*Annie likes to bolt out the front door.
*I can outrun an overweight beagle.
*She likes me, the non dog person, more than she likes anyone in the family.
*She is scared of George and I think (hope) she will eventually warm to him.
*The cats are territorial and there are clashes daily especially with Princess the Persnickety.

*George thinks when the dog barks in the middle of the night, you should take it for a walk. Day 3 at midnight, I was woken to look for Annie who ran off when the garage door scared her after George took her for a walk.
*At this point at midnight, I was okay with losing her and did not want anyone to find her and bring her back to us.
*Things look better in the morning.
*Dogs snore.
*I did not think I would be getting excited about pee and poop in the proper places at this stage of my life.
*Walking a dog, for some reason, is very relaxing.
*It is quite peaceful when all the animals crowd around me and are in harmony and asleep.
*The kids are quite excited to have Annie around. Riley loves to walk her and Mallory likes to cuddle.  *Annie likes to sleep near Mallory.
*Getting a dog is a learning curve and it is growing on me.
*The jury is still out on whether I will become a dog person or not but the point is I opened myself up to a new experience which I am hesitant to do.

I have had glimpses of when timid Annie gets excited and is so happy to see me.  She runs, she jumps and puts her paws on me or just looks at me with adoring eyes and I think, oh, this is what it is all about having a dog.

Unconditional love.