I Never Thought Therapy Would Lead to Increased Spirituality

From Geneen Roth:
The other day someone asked me if there is a difference between spirituality and therapy. This is a question I often am asked. And the answer is yes and no. No because we can't divide ourselves in little segments. Every part of us is related to every other part, and so any work we do on the therapeutic level (our past, our wounds) affects every other part of us. I can't even imagine where or who I'd be without the--count them!--more than thirty years I spent in therapy. 

And yes because their focus is somewhat different. In my book The Craggy Hole in My Heart, I wrote that: With a therapist, you have direct experiences of being your best self--loved, strong, worthy, whole. With a spiritual teacher, you have direct experiences of being the space in which that best self manifests. With a therapist, you learn that you are loved. With a spiritual teacher, you learn that you are love itself.

Love this!

I believe in therapy one thousand percent.  I needed to find out what my wounding was.  I had a hole of not loving myself for who I was. I did not feel like I could speak up for myself.  I was a people pleaser.
And I was not aware of this to the extent of how it affected my life!  I thought it was normal to be anxious day in and day out and to stay fearful of most of life's activities.  I thought it was normal to stay in place and react to life and people instead of going out and living my own life.

And then therapy came along.  And it was painful and wonderful and exhausting and eye-opening.  And I found God!  I really truly wasn't expecting that.

I think because my spirituality was hidden and suffocating in Religion.  Now I know better!!

My image of God was distant, judgmental and out there.  Now I understand, God is within.  God is LOVE.  And it has taken a while to change the tracks of what I have believed for so many years.

I love the distinctions Geneen makes in these paragraphs and furthermore, I understand them up close and personally.

Thank you Geneen!

The Voice in My Head

I realize that when I write this blog, I tend to be self-congratulatory.  Over and over I want to write about these fascinating inner discoveries because to me they are (freaking) revolutionary.   It is like I am inventing the wheel over and over.  (An inner wheel that is!)  These truths are life changing for me bit by bit and my soul sings when I discover them.   When my soul sings I want to shout about it.  So I write about it here and pat myself on the back as I do so.  And this feels uncomfortable a little bit.

Because the voice in my head has never been nice to me.

I became part of an online group relating to Geneen Roth's book, "Women, Food and Love."  Geneen talks about the Voice that is the unrelenting negative dialogue that goes on in our minds.  I haven't really thought of it in this term, The Voice,  I just know I have been rewiring the hardwires in my brain so that my thought processes are different and more kind.

As I make these discoveries of truths about acceptance, love, intuition or judgement,  I want to shout it from the mountaintop or at least, put a new quote on FaceBook for other people to get "it."  Yet I know that when I post something it may resonate with a couple of others but the person I am most trying to reach or teach is myself.  These exciting discoveries begin and end with me for the most part.  My online group is fantastic because they are as deep into self-discovery as I am and at least one of them will understand the intricate nature of coming to grips with whatever issue is at hand.

I did learn about the voice in graduate school but not in the same terms.  I vividly remember one of the professors telling us about thought stopping techniques.  We slammed a phone book down to demonstrate stopping repetitive negative thoughts.  There must be a reason why this stuck in full detail in my mind.  It is amusing to me that I learned this when I was in my early twenties but didn't realize that I needed to use said techniques until I was in my early forties.

I think the biggest lesson that Geneen's work reminds me of again and again is to be kind to myself.  When I began to get in a funk or am stressed or find myself grazing in the kitchen, I stop and think how can I be kind to myself now?  What loving acts can I do now or tomorrow or this week that will be gentle and loving. That is the answer.  The harsh, critical thinking that I have done to myself over and over and over again for years has not worked and will never work.

The Voice in my head has tended to think that other people have the answers and are doing "it" better than I am.  I have put many people on pedestals thinking they knew more than I did. And then I spend time with one of these people, and then I discover they are human just like me and are struggling with their own issues.

I'm working hard to get rid of the pedestal all together.  Everyone is on a journey and has a story to tell.   Everyone is at a different level of evolvement.  I am on my own journey and bit by bit, the Voice is dying down.

The Big C and Being All Over The Place

I found myself watching "The Big C" Showtime TV series because I like Laura Linney's work and I knew it was about cancer and that it was favorably received by the critics.

I put the first disc in, and I had one of those moments when it feels like the wind was knocked out of me. Her age in the series is 43 and she is dying from melanoma. Ewww. A little close to home, but I really enjoyed the first season. She does not tell anyone in her family that she has Stage 4 Melanoma for weeks and she is all over the place with her reaction. I feel I have been ALL over the place with my reaction to Mary and her long battle with cancer.

First I was going to "be there" for her, be present and I was. And then I learned that being present for someone means you first have to take care of yourself. And being present doesn't mean that you don't allow the other person to feel their own feelings and take care of themselves, even and this is a big even, when someone is dying. (In fact doing so prevents them from going through what she needs to for her passing from this world to the next)

I also mistakenly thought you were supposed to do "things" a certain way. But there is not. And now, I'm burnt out, burnt to a crisp and GaGa perseveres with no quality of life whatsoever. Each time I say that, she plateaus to a new lower level that I didn't know existed. This is a new chapter for me in the book of life manual. Some people die too fast and no one is prepared and some people die too slow in a long drawn out way.

In "The Big C", Cathy's husband finally finds out she has cancer, he begins to research everywhere. He finds out that a co-workers husband has cancer and he wants to talk to her and this is what happens.

It is not what he expects and I didn't expect to understand what the coworker was saying but I did, I really did. To hear someone, even a TV character say what you are going through is so affirming. It means a writer or someone close to a writer has had that experience and it makes me not feel so alone. I am ready to her to pass on, but to me that sounds awful. The last week or two I look in her eyes and they have become vacant. This rips me up. There is no more connecting to her anymore. I am a person who thrives on connections. She has become a shell.

I also think it is uncomfortable for me to experience sadness, grief and any other so called negative emotions.

Geneen Roth, who wrote the book "Women, Food and God" and has been on the bandwagon for years about intuitive eating, says and I'm paraphrasing (as we stop using food), is that we need to be prepared and ready to be uncomfortable because pain, boredom, sadness, loneliness etc is a part of life. Eww, that one bites a little.

And when you have used food to avoid feeling those feelings, it is a process to learn to FEEL the feelings. I fight this big time when big emotional stuff comes up. Going to food is such a core method of relief that it is second nature and I want to do it before I realize that I'm even having big emotions over something.

Feeling the feelings is very hard work and I make it harder by not accepting the feelings as is. Feelings just are. Feelings are about 20% and our thoughts about the feelings make up 80%. I'm tired of all the thoughts about my feelings. They just are.

When I started this journey I had no idea that my mother in law would be diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer along the way. Thus watching her dwindle down to nothing, and lose her functioning bit by slow bit. Grief is not handled well by our society, one must do it fast, and not show any emotion.

Maybe that is why I like this show, The Big C, it is true to life. There is no template and the feelings are all over the place.... and that's life - all over the place. But I would rather be diving in living all over the place than hiding.

"Hard Habit to Break"

Every now and then I flip to the Love Channel on XM radio and by chance, I will hear a song that takes me back a couple of decades and I really enjoy it. This song was on...



And all I could think was I switched from the bad habits of boys in 8th grade to the bad habit of food. I can remember how it would be the end of the world if the guy didn't like me as much as I liked him. Such drama. But of course, now the habit to break is not necessarily with food, it is how I think, and changing my world view on a much deeper level.

I do love music. And if you look at the comments on You Tube of the video, someone commented, " Man, I hope heaven has an 80's bar" Priceless!!, This morning that just got me. Loved it! Maybe because I'm examining things so deeply and so heavily, every now and then, I just need to lighten up. Perhaps I can become more sarcastic like Bethenny Frankel. I love her show and the fact that they show her in therapy. Half the time I am thinking exactly what she is saying. I can get out all of my repressed feelings and project them on to other people. Why do I have to be nice anymore?

Anyway, I also enjoy looking at videos of songs and bands that I never saw before but listened to and knew every word. Growing up, I had no cable until college, so I never saw MTV or VH1. This poor sap just listened to the music and imagined what the people who were singing looked like (I know I make it sound like the dark ages). Someone posted this on FB and it just cracked me up. See what you think from 1982.



OMG, I never imagined a rooster in the beginning, or everybody dressed in all white with fringe and cowboy hats or the drummer's drumsticks being on fire the entire song! Thank you internet, what great memories.

One Day at a time...

It's not just a tv show from the 70's.

The author Geneen Roth describes her own journey to a healthy relationship with food and was asked how long it took to get "there?" The mysterious, elusive place of eating when only hungry and stopping when full. She says at first it was like having a visa and visiting at certain times and now it has come to be permanent for her. I get that. I am well into my second year into an intentional journey with wellness with food (which addresses ALL of your issues!) In my journey after much struggle, I was having such a great visit, an active visa and now I feel like my visa has been misplaced for the last couple of days. I did something very disloyal in my mind, I defriended my mother on Facebook. I told her I was going to do it (by messaging of course) and then did it. Bam. It had been coming for weeks.

Yes, you three to five loyal readers who already know this, I did defriend my mother. I had to. I needed to disengage from my whole family of origin. I have been doing so with my parents very slowly. I needed to have boundaries. My sense of self was too enmeshed in them. I have been figuring out who I am away from them and that is such a big deal. Some people become independant in the teenage years, some never, I chose age 41. I feel disloyal talking about them but it is hard for me to "golightly" dancing around the truth. This blog has been a huge tool for me to express myself, have a voice creatively and cathartically. Geneen also talks about loyalty and to whom or what we feel loyal to and why and to just question that. Loyalities that were created years and years ago that still exist without thought, and as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?"

I sent my mom a sincere positive message recently and I knew exactly how she would respond which was very sad but also very freeing. It was my permission slip to let go and to know what I have discovered about our dynamics was dead on. I know she and my dad did the best job they could as parents. We all try to do that. I would love to stay in the land of blaming them but that would just make me stay in my muck. I am taking responsibility and I am seeing things so much more clearly having some distance. It is extremely sad, and painful yet SO necessary. I want to be the best parent I can be for my children and I can see the differences in how I'm parenting and the positive outcomes.

Back to the visa. I've been enjoying my visits yet the changes are slow but steady. Small aha moments just keep coming, SLOWLY. The pain and sadness are critical to the journey yet so is the clarity and peace with accepting me for who I authentically am. I am finding my voice. It is difficult changing a worldview and how I look at myself but I am staying intentional. Over the last few weeks, I was actively engaged in noticing my hunger level, eating with enjoyment and stopping when I was full. It was wonderful! I will get back to my Visa. This IS how it works.

The Highs and Lows of Summer

It is summer. Deep breath. No school schedule. No homework. No rushing to get out the door to get to school on time. No mandatory uniform washing on the weekend. It also means mosquito bites (which I have about 20 on my lower legs at the moment) and chlorine and my obsession with trying to keep Mallory's hair from being dry and green. There is humidity out the wazoo as well as afternoon rain showers which are a wonderful break from the heat. And again- no school schedule so that means I am chief entertainer, organizer, educator, referee, & nurse. There were three meltdowns yesterday for various and sundry reasons within a 2 hour span and none of them were mine, yet it just hit me that I SHOULD have had one. Why you ask? I realized all of the stress that I was feeling about the kids being off for summer, was misdirected. I was feeling worked up and angry It had much more to do with a major issue that I have been working through for the last months and I hit THE wall on it, and now am truly having to accept it. I had a short ugly cry and the release was immediate. I feel much more capable now to move on and tackle my children head on! For days, I felt this burden in the back of my mind and I needed to release it, I just had to wait until it boiled over.

Wow - such a lesson. Geneen Roth speaks of the pain that we avoid (by eating), that we feel we can't handle. I am going through that pain and it is not easy at all, but is SO necessary and it takes time. I CAN handle it and I am feeling so much more peace. I just need to let it out in safe ways. I feel so much better able to handle life now at this moment. I'm ready to make plans, and stay on top of the chaos which you have to do, to survive summer with young kids.

Am I Crazy or what???

Geneen Roth of "Women, Food and God" was on Oprah. It was a good show except Oprah talked more than Geneen did for most of the show. But I imagine Geneen doesn't care, she was on Oprah and now her life has exponentially changed. Her book is on bestsellers lists. Her name is becoming nationally known. (And as an aside, while looking for videos, I discovered that Geneen and her husband lost all their retirement as they were clients of Bernie Madoff) And now Oprah finally feels like she gets it. I feel like I get it too yet it is still an ongoing process. I still have residual pain that I figured out what was going on and it's there and now it pops up, and I have to use new skills and it just takes time. Last week, I was so excited to hear Geneen on Oprah radio and it felt like I was hearing droplets of gold. On the Soul Series, they are much more in depth and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. And I wanted to hear more. Geneen referred to this exact process that I have been experiencing. You get it, and then you have a setback and then it comes back again. And then it keeps coming back again and again until it stays more permanently.

I received notification of an online "Women, Food, and Love" workshop that starts this week. I thought that sounds "neat." I should do that. And... I didn't jump at it. I have never done an online video feed or copied anything to my Ipod. A few days passed and I thought, am I crazy? This is exactly what I want and need to hear. A group process is so much more beneficial than individual therapy, AND this is audio, video gold to me. Why would I hesitate? Well, I know why and I need to push through my fear. So last night, I signed up, paid, have my sign in codes and I'm set up for the next six Tuesdays at 8pm. I'm ready to take it on. And it's no big deal that the first night, I will be at Riley's Moving Up ceremony. I will catch it when I can.

You can hear clips of the XM radio - Soul Series on Oprah's Website including Geneen's.

This is a little overview of Women Food and God on You Tube.

"Women, Food and God"

I have found a new book by Geneen Roth entitled, "Women, Food and God" Well, isn't that just THE trifecta for me. This is an author that was recommended by my therapist and I realized after buying a different book by her that I already had a copy of it. The self-help bookaholic that I am, evidently bought it years back and never read it. I wasn't ready to take on the issues. A few weeks back, I was listening to the "Soul Series" on XM and the conversation sounded a lot like what my therapist has been telling me about food. (It's not about a diet, it's about the emotions, eat what you crave, learn to stop when you are full, yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, sounds soooo easy) Well, lo and behold, it was Ms. Roth on the radio and this new book was mentioned. (And now it is on the cover of "O" magazine with a byline that says Oprah has finally solved her food issues. I have wondered why Oprah had not become aware of Ms. Roth's work sooner with all of her resources.)

In my journeys as of late, I have been getting similar messages from different sources, using different words but it all points to the same thing. Stop and be still with yourself, allow God in the small cracks that are there. And get at what is underneath your emotions. What I have been reading with Geneen and I'm now 7 chapters in, is that the obsessions that we have (food in my case) are our way out of the present moment, because we unconsciously believe the pain is too much for us to bear. In case this sounds like a load of crap to you, I do understand your disbelief. I have been underlining passages in this book on each page like crazy because it makes so much sense to me now. I think if I had not been in the therapy process for the last year and a half, (yes I must be a slow learner), I would not "get it" now.

I recently spent several months grieving "what is not." Situations in my life and from my past that completely shaped who I was, that weren't working for me anymore, I grieved and am accepting. It does feel like a weight has been lifted. I have been seriously changing my worldview bit by bit with small aha moments of clarity. One of the consequences of this new world view and going through that grieving process is and I quote from Ms. Roth, "a lightness of being that enthralled me." She also uses the words, "unruffled peace, everyday holiness, and ease of being in body, mind and heart." I have felt lighter, even though my weight hasn't dropped. I didn't know I had such heaviness that was weighing me down so much.

As I was reading, I was amazed by the fact, that Ms. Roth teaches meditations in her retreats that focus on breath. Okay, that's not the amazing part, it is that she focuses on the belly. Okay, that's not it either, it's this, she goes on to say, bellies are the center of our body and the center of our grounding. I quote from her, "When you ignore your belly, you become homeless." Hmmmm. (Yoga also teaches the same thing in terms of chakra's I believe) And this is the thing, I know I have written a blog or two about this topic, of listening to my gut. I have been onto something.

There is some irony here because the last few weeks for some reason, my youngest daughter has been repeatedly telling me that she loves my stomach. To me this is strange, but she's four, so I'm rolling with it. What do you say back to that? I love her stomach too? My stomach is my least liked part on my body, that is where the extra weight has collected the most. As she keeps repeating this to me, I have begun telling her that I love my stomach too. I will love my stomach and not ignore it. Mallory has been bringing my attention to my belly for me!! There is an OLD SOUL in that beautiful child. Her lovely sweet innocent spirit is bringing me a really important lesson.