A Little Something to Dream On

 Over the weekend, I engaged George in assisting me to declutter.  Sometimes, I need a warm body for companionship but one with a high reach is always especially helpful.  My main goal was to get the bookcase next to my bed cleaned up as it was overflowing.  There were steps to the process both literally and figuratively. There were hard decisions to be made, this time about books to keep or let go of as well as objects that had special memories but no place for display. As I was trying to find space to move books around, I came across a book in the living room bookcase (as opposed to the bedroom, dining room, or spare room bookcases!)  I immediately knew who it was from. 

It is a small collection of essays about Provence given to me by Aunt Joy, my father's one and only sibling. She passed away in 2003 before I knew exactly how much we were alike.  I am still becoming aware of who I am and giving myself permission to do so.  It has been a reassurance that I was like someone in my family.  Aunt Joy moved away from our hometown of Ethel after high school, went to college for social work and married a doctor in New Orleans.  She loved the arts and to laugh.  Her advice for family get togethers was to avoid discussion of religion or politics.  

She and I would have been okay to discuss politics because I believe we were on the same page, I just didn't know it as clearly as I do now.  

I would have been interested in her take on religion as well. 

The book had an inscription and was dated 1990.  

Something to dream on.  

Provence.   Excitement bubbles to the surface as I thought of our upcoming summer trip. 

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! 

Am I going to Provence? 

We have a European school trip planned for June including France.  Are we going there?!!!  

I run to find the itinerary and I actually know where it is!!

I cannot remember things as clearly as I use to.  And I NEVER thought I would be traveling to Europe... again.  My family went to the UK in July and it was extraordinary.  A trip I will never forgot.  When I think of it, I am filled with JOY.  

I find the papers. 

WE ARE GOING TO PROVENCE! 

How thrilling!  This is a huge God wink and I take it in.  Thirty three years later,  and a present from the past comes alive again.  A wonderful time to remember my aunt, to remind me to laugh, and to Dream. 

How many dreams do I have now?  It seems like I stay more concerned with surviving and working to stay peaceful in my heart and mind.  This is a wonderful check to ponder dreams. I have dreams for my children but what I am dreaming of for myself.  At times, I don't feel worthy, but in this particular instance, this book and this trip, is totally kismet.   

Also, dreams don't have to be grand.  They can be quietly purposeful.

Namaste

Aunt Joy with her grandson Jack around June 2002 on a riverboat in New Orleans.  I would have been pregnant with Riley due in October 2002.

This picture was taken outside of her home on 39 Lark in New Orleans. From left to right, My brother (in chair) Aunt Joy, cousin Kay, myself, and my mom and dad.  The date is sometime in the late seventies? 

It's Time for Another Thing: Burn Baby Burn

These are all of the medical papers from the journey it took for George and I to get pregnant.

Here they all are: Invoices, Claims, Denied Claims and Explanation of Benefits, from the gynecologist, the reproductive endocrinologist's office, the lab, two hospitals and our insurance provider. And then the prescription papers…

I had them all in a green file folder box neatly ordered with tabs. It was the most organized I've ever been in my life. And I've never been that organized again.  I wanted to be a mother so badly.  

This was a very ugly, hard time for me.  

I've decided it's time to let the papers go.

Twelve years in the making.

The girls and I had a ceremonial burn, while swimming in the pool.  (Mothers are always multi-tasking.) Riley really enjoyed adding each paper in.  There was a symbolism there.  The child that was so hard to conceive was helping me let go of my infertile past.

Mallory helped us flame the fire too but her thoughts turned to smores. We had enough graham crackers for one smore and Brinkley was even able to get in on it.

The papers burned, the ashes piled up.  George asked how it felt.  I really didn't feel that much except the heat of the fire.  I had been holding on to this papers for so long but they really didn't mean anything to me anymore.

How much more am I carrying around that is weighing me down that needs to be burned off?

How much more "stuff" is lying around that needs to be let go of?  I'm so excited to address this issue.   I am delighted to begin working through small areas of my house, one by one.  Who knew I would ever get so excited about cleaning.

The fertility papers are gone and it's time to move on
to whatever else is dragging me down.

Will it somehow lead to more chocolate for Mallory?

Will Brinkley end up getting a bite?

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

Dreams

I happened to turn on Piers Morgan Friday night and Susan Boyle was on and I decided to listen to what she was going to sing. I've never bought any album of hers or downloaded any songs but the little voice said watch it and I'm learning to roll with those little small nudges. I find that there are no coincidences lately.

Susan began belting out "Both Sides Now" and the hairs began to rise on my body. But what the heck does this song mean? I'm fairly exhausted due to too many activities over the last 2 weeks and my brain feels foggy. I google the lyrics and then have to look up someone else's interpretation because just as in Freshman English Literature class, I have no idea what the writer was talking about and this case it is Joni Mitchell.

The interpretations gave me chills again. (No coincidences! Listen to my gut!) Looking at life from both sides now, as a child and as an adult, life doesn't make sense. Life IS a mystery. The more I journey I acknowledge God's presence much more often than I use to and I choose to think of it as the Holy Spirit around me.

(An aside, the description of looking at both sides reminds me of Richard Rohr and his two halves of life which I would reference but I am too tired to look it up)

Also, I feel some friendships fade away and others take their place and it's better to roll with it rather than fighting it like I use to. I appreciate the old friendships for what they were and how long they lasted and celebrate the new. And, I have learned to say I love you right OUT LOUD. Expressing one's feelings is risky but connecting to those we love and who are able to reciprocate is a precious, precious gift.

Awkward transition... Back to Susan Boyle and her story which is quite remarkable. Her 2009 appearance on "Britain's Got Talent" and watching Simon Cowell's jaw drop and eyebrows raise was spectacular. (I tried to post but it was not available.) She was forty seven years old. Dreams can still come true to those who need more time to percolate. And she had chutzpah to stand on that stage in the beginning of the song as they were rolling their eyes at her. She was so brave and then she nailed it, with everything she had.

I am old enough to remember hearing Judy Collins' version of "Both Sides Now" and connecting to it long ago but I had no idea what it was speaking of, the melody was just beguiling. But Susan Boyle's slow version stands out to me now. Her Scottish accent is so thick to me I can barely understand what she is saying but when she sings, it is crystal clear. It seems magical to me when that happens for her and others. I wish that magic happened to my voice!

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell, 1969

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds * that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all