Finding My Edge

There comes a point in time, when I have to shut the activities of life down.  One week day morning not long ago, I had several activities on my schedule.  And yet I couldn't stop crying.  I was overwhelmed.  The previous week, there had been emotionally laden issues for me going on in my house with more than one member.  And we had a packed, busy weekend that did not stop.  And I went and I did and then did more because it was a special celebration weekend for my youngest.

And then I couldn't stop crying.  And that still scares me to feel fully that energy of pain that comes my way.

And yet I knew what the solutions were to the issues that were going on in the house.  It would take work, but was nothing that could not be surmounted. But yet I cried and couldn't stop.  And after really hard crying, mental, emotional and physical fatigue sets in.

And it hit me once again,  I cannot go and go and go.  I see other people who do and I think that I should match up to them.  And then I shame myself.  And I don't really know what their story is and it doesn't matter.  I have to BE ME.

I know this about myself.  I am an introvert.  I am an introspective person.  I like to think and write.  And I have to sit still and be quiet for what I am most passionate about to come to me.  My passion lies in stillness.

After the first wave of tears, it took me two hours to realize that I needed to cancel what was on my agenda that day.  Why did it take me that long?  (Beat myself up a little)  This is a busy semester for my Middle School girls:  after school activities, other extracurricular activities, school, and life.  Trying not only to keep up but plan ahead.   George's schedule is also busy most of the time.  I myself signed up for too many studies this semester, but all of them are good for my soul in different ways with different groups of people, so I will do them as I can.  I have to not show up sometimes. I have to take them day by day.  I think badly of myself for not showing up when I said I would.

My yoga teacher talks about the edge in our practice.  It's where you are in a pose and are stretching limbs to the point of tension.  And you have to find that sweet spot, where it's tight and you are feeling the stretch but not too painful.  You are not putting too much pain on your body.

I'm finding that edge in life as I truly find who my authentic Godly self is.  It's a daily practice, to find that sweet spot, but to release a little when it's too painful.  And know that it's okay to release and not to stay in pain when it's really not necessary at all.   No one else but me, knows my sweet spot and I have to stand up for myself.