Lessons learned from Easter Break Trip 2015

The girls and I took a last minute trip to the beach  in Orange Beach, AL for two nights.  It was originally to have been an extended family girls' trip but it fell apart.  I really had my heart set on it, so after  2 days of deliberation we decided to go on our own and out of my comfort zone.  For some reason, I have to break out and learn to do fun things that involve leaving the city that I live in.  There is an alarm that goes off if I try to leave the perimeter!  But off we went!  Yes!

Here are the things I learned:
~Weather forecasts can be wrong.  I almost didn't go because the rain forecast was 70-90 percent for the 2nd and 3rd days we would be there and it didn't rain at all.  It was overcast but I LOVED that!
~My eldest does not like the beach at all, let me repeat…she doesn't like the beach at all.
~My youngest loves the beach and the waves and boogey boarding.  She is attracted to the water immensely and can't walk to the beach without getting in immediately.
~We don't have to eat out at restaurants  and spend $$ all the time.  The girls were happy to buy Lean Cuisines and eat in at the hotel room.  Thank you Hampton Inn fridge and microwave.
~Two nights were sufficient and gloriously refreshing even for driving four hours and fifteen minutes each way by myself.  (Can't wait until Riley can drive…did I really say that??)
~The application of Jergens Natural Glow Medium to Tan Skin Tone is evidently too dark for me.  My hands, feet and elbows were orange after the second night of application.  I had never had this happen before, and I never knew any tanning ever took place.
~I forgot my makeup and it was so freeing.  Not one, "oh no."   I did have my tinted moisturizer with SPF and it's the best.
~On the beach, not really being able to read while looking up every 45 seconds to make sure Mallory is above water, I use the time to examine my moles, age spots to make sure nothing looks askew. There are a lot of moles, and light and dark age spots to keep me busy for hours.
~I could not wait to see the waves and put my feet in the sand and hear the waves.  It did not disappoint. The weather was overcast and not too hot and the breeze was fantastic.
~The lesson was learned that I can leave my house and drive outside of the perimeter, have fun and relax with the two girls by myself.  I'll call it baby steps to "How To Have Fun 101!"
Namaste.

If I Feel That Way Again...

After hitting a wall two weeks ago, and really digging deep, giving myself permission to feel the pain of loss (GaGa), and lack of control (skin cancer), my outlook brightened.  I went to therapy and commented how my mood was better after going through the deep ugly cry, and getting it out the week before.  My therapist said allowing those feelings out was the precursor to being in the more pleasant place I was in currently.  I said something about maybe feeling those low feelings again in the future.

My therapist responded, WHEN you feel that way again.

I just chuckled.  The desperate desire to not feel those deep dark painful feelings remains! but now I can laugh at myself because I forget.  There is no place to go to escape the highs and lows.  I cannot wake up and feel "good" each day.  I have to ride the roller coaster of emotions which make up life.  It is getting a little easier bit by bit to accept those low feelings WHEN they come around.

I also had been thinking about my eldest daughter.  She has a multitude of feelings about being left out with her friends at school.  I hear about this frequently.  It hit me that she has to learn to process these uncomfortable feelings of hers, just like I do.   There is something in me as a mother, who wants her to not feel any pain BUT, and this is the biggest BUT of all, we all have to live with the ups and downs of life.   Wouldn't it be a fantastic lesson for her and my youngest to learn it now?!  I can't take away her pain but I can guide her in acceptance at a nine year old level.  And probably the best way is by example.  When I'm tired, I rest.  When I need to cry, I don't hide it.  When I'm excited, I show it.  When I'm frustrated, explain why.  When I'm joyful, dance.  My daughters are watching every move I make.  And pretty much every day I learn something new.

I'm so glad we can afford for me to go to therapy. {big smile}

My Friends: SPF and Rashguards

I went in last week for my three month mole check after my diagnosis of melanoma at the end of November. I have three fresh new scars. I'm awaiting the results of three moles that were questionable. I knew this was likely. I would much rather have them taken off and tested when the only treatment for this cancer is to keep hacking off tissue to get clean margins where the mole resided.

I haven't fully accepted this melanoma diagnosis although I am reminded every day that I shave my legs. The diagnosis occurred at the beginning of December when my mother in law was dying, and it was Christmas. It happened and I was there but it hadn't sunk in. The reminder card from my Dermatology clinic came and I waited until after the burial in PA to make the appointment.

I haven't fully accepted that I have to become the sun czar for myself and my children and I need to intimately know every brown spot on my body including scalp,ears, eyes and butt cheeks. SPF, shade, rash guards and hats are my new friends and I wasn't ready to put them in my circle on such a permanent basis although I always was aware. A lot of this damage had already been done prior to my twenties.

It just takes time for the psyche to accept this new information. It's a process I believe. Having three new scars is helping me progress in this process of acceptance. But the timing is good, as the humidity and temperature is rising for ridiculously hot summer coming. I am working to get more prepared. In my early youth going to the pool was a social event, and picking out just the right swimsuit was always a part. Now I am searching Lands End for a long sleeve rash guard and skirted bottom. Times they are a changing. The point is I am alive. I have scars but I am alive.

*The results came back, and two moles were atypical, one more than the other so I will have a little more flesh removed and a couple of stitches but overall, very good news. I am grateful.