Transitions

There have been two monumental days this year in our household.  Our first born started college six hours away in August and our youngest received her full driver's license in September.

I really had to talk this one out with my best friend to process.  I have entered a transition as a mother.  It is a slow and subtle shift over the years.  For the first time, I am no longer driving a daughter to school in the morning or picking up in the afternoon.  That job lasted fifteen years for this school.  And all of a sudden,  it's no longer needed.  It wasn't really all of a sudden, she had been driving with a permit for nearly a year, but that first morning when she went on her own, it felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 

Just hold on, I have learned and that energy will pass.  It may feel so brutal but that energy will pass.  Don't resist. 

Who am I? No more carpool?!!  And yet I had to drag myself hundreds of times, especially in the afternoons to sit and wait in a line and now, it is no more. 

I am beginning to grow accustomed though. I don't have to get dressed so early in the mornings, except I have to walk the dogs.  My alarm doesn't necessarily have to go off early, as youngest and I are doing a dance as she learns to wake herself up on her own. 

In the big picture, it is time that these young ladies leave the nest and become independent. It is a bittersweet transition though.  I have been very intentional all these years knowing that was my job for them to be on their own and something I had to learn how to do as I never felt independent at all myself. 

It is time that I can stretch my wings too. I have many passions.  It's a learning curve for all of us. 

It can be jarring at times.  Last night, youngest was asking me if she could drive here to do this, and there to do that with friends.  And a knowing creeped in. I am no longer needed as much.  Our time is lessening. We no longer have time in the car to chat as she practiced driving everywhere.  I need to be intentional of maintaining our communication around so much school, homework, social, and extracurricular activities. 

She's off on her own in a new way now.  

And it is so bittersweet. 

I am super proud of both of my girls but to be brutally honest, there is a little feeling of abandonment that pops us.  I know that is more about my childhood issues that I am addressing head on in therapy, than to do with my daughters who are growing up and evolving as they should.  

Sad energy passes through every now and then.  I had to go to the library to renew my card so that I could continue to borrow books digitally.  I have not been in person much at all.  I sat and read an article in a People magazine, my old favorite.  As I got up to leave after enjoying the quiet, I remembered I use to go to the library or Barnes and Noble when I had a sitter to have some peace when they were little.  It also hit me how much I had brought them to the library over the years to get new books, movies and sign up for the summer reading program.  It broke my heart just a little in that moment that those times were over.

And then it passed and there were more errands to be run.  And life goes on. 

Eldest is adjusting to college slowly as I am (!).  That's another topic.  I am so very proud that she is branching out, putting herself out there much better than I did.  Yet, there is still contact and thank goodness for technology.  

They both still need me in different ways and hopefully always will. 

I cherish my children and our relationships.  We have both grown up together. 

Namaste.