A Quote from Jeff Brown
“At some point on the journey, you may reach a point where you want to ease the throttle of transformation. Not where you stop growing, but where you stop utilizing your will to affect personal change. You’re still growthful, but it’s different. It’s gentler, and it’s more about accepting what is, than changing it. You reach a place where you are more embracing of who you are, and of how far you have come, and you feel ready to work with what you’ve got. It’s important to notice this moment, if it arrives. Because there is a real peace in that tender self-acceptance. And, ironically, it may ignite the most profound change of all.”
This really resonates at this point in time. I am taking a break from therapy. I didn't see this happening, it just dawned on me after a few intense years. I have been on a mission to heal myself for such a very long time. And prior to the pandemic until about February of this year, I engaged in Internal Family Systems therapy with my long time therapist. I dug up some of my most intense past experiences, some from childhood, which I had no idea were residing in me and began the process of learning how to soothe myself and those parts. It was intense, eye opening, exhausting and healing work. I could be affected for a day or longer. I have processed so much sadness, anger, and hurt.
It's not an easy path.
It's slow growth.
But I am thrilled that I am still on it. Every small awareness leads to others down the road.
The Psalm verse states, "Be still and know that I am God..."
This is that practice.
Taking a break from actively drawing out pain bodies seems to be my path right now. I am listening to myself and this is an act of nurturance. That is a key to my journey now. Learning to be kind to myself, and determining what is the most loving thing I can do for me.
"You should love your neighbor as you love yourself..."
I have loathed myself for a large portion of my life. The thoughts in my head are so cruel. I see how this verse, really really applies to human nature and to me. The more we nurture ourself, the more love for others just naturally springs forth. I have felt that so many times and stand in sheer amazement.
Being a human in this world means that every day something is going to come along to process and now I'm practicing what I have learned over the years. This break from therapy, means process life as it is. So many times during the day, my stomach turns with anxiety. The goal is to welcome that anxiety and not run from it, not numb it and lovingly BE with it. This takes a lot of practice. Something that helps is meditation and bit by bit, I am practicing that too.
One key act of nurturance towards myself is slowing down my yoga practice. Instead of more intense power yoga, I unconsciously sought out restorative yoga. I found Nidra Yoga. And over the course of attending a particular class, the teacher made adjustments and it became more restorative. For half of the class, we are in savasana listening to the teacher guide us through a loving meditation. During one of the first sessions, as the teacher kindly, lovingly spoke to us and our worth, tears flowed and I knew, finally understood, oh, THIS is what is meant by nurturing myself. This is being kind to myself. Pushing myself to do the intense yoga and hold poses, hurting myself to keep up, is not.
Being, and taking care of the parts of myself that needed unconditional love in the past is my path forward. This is reparenting myself: listening to my divine intuition, paying attention to new awarenesses and recognizing the flow of love inside and outside.
Namaste.
