I didn't think I would be writing about my uterus anymore. I did ten years ago when I had an endometrial ablation. https://timetogolightly.blogspot.com/2013/08/thank-you-uterus.html All has been good for a long time except some ovarian cysts and fibroids that weren't causing any long term problems. Last year, I did find out I was in menopause and began taking estrogen.
About a month ago, the uterus became problematic again. A visit with a nurse practioner, and the ER uncovered that my uterus decided to supersize with fibroids and was causing discomfort and pain. I learned about fibroid degeneration, and blood supply. Tomorrow, I plan to learn more after the surgery is completed that will remove my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and cervix. The key word is after surgery.
I have learned some things about myself in the last twenty-seven years which was my last "big" surgery.
I have anxiety. At times, this anxiety grips my body in paralysis and my mind thinks it's never going to leave my person ever, ever again. As my heart is racing, my stomach is turning, my whole body is activated but frozen and my thoughts turn to desperation and darkness. How will I go on like this forevermore? Who is going to save me? After some time has passed, and the grip of anxiety has lessened, I forget that I have anxiety. It has come to be a surprise over and over that this condition is my baseline. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked when some years ago, my primary care doctor wrote in my chart, generalized anxiety disorder!
In the past, when I wasn't in the thick of it, I had been in complete denial of it.Anxiety didn't interfere in my life's function until postpartum with my first child. I didn't know what was going on, but it tortured me.
The last few years, with my fabulous therapist, I have used Internal Family Systems therapy to address and understand my baseline anxiety and feelings of abandonment. Much time has been invested in knowledge about trauma in the body, and Complex PTSD, etc. For years, I focused on head knowledge which was an avoidant technique. Now, I address it in the body with IFS, brainspotting, yoga, meditation, mindfulness and new understandings of the Trinity. Now I know, I need to embrace the anxiety and make space for it and coexist with it, because it is a part of me.
In late 1996, my last big surgery, was when I was first married and living in Buffalo, New York, while my husband was in his general surgery residency. I began having abdominal pain and it was my appendix. On the way to the Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital to have it removed, I'm sure I asked what was going to happen. My husband told me every freaking detail of what was going to happen. In hindsight, it was best for me not to know the details, including the kicker that there was to be shaving of a certain region! Another thing to block out in that surgery, with my unclothed body laying on the table was a residency friend that had come to our Thanksgiving dinner who would be assisting. There are things I needed to block out then and now and likely forevermore.
When I had my appendix removed, I had the really unpleasant memory of being rolled into the OR, but not out under anesthesia yet. I was very distressed as the room was cold and very bright, and I could see the sterile instruments and every one rushing around to prepare but there was no attention to me. I felt so abandoned and alone. It triggered something deeply embedded in me. They were just doing their jobs but I very much had a reaction that has stayed with me to this day and is coming up as I type this.
This time, twenty seven years later, I am able to speak up and ask that I not be rolled into the OR until I'm out, ask for a hand or some acknowledgment. Anything for me to speak up and express myself!
I am the person to save me. For a few decades, I didn't know how to ask. I suffered in silence. I didn't feel worthy to speak up.
My uterus is banging into my bladder and other parts and is not sparking joy anymore!! I once again am profoundly thankful for having the privilege of carrying two of the lights of my lives and giving birth. There was a time, I didn't think that would happen and I am still grateful.
I am also grateful to say goodbye to these four reproductive parts. It is time. I hope to be productive in other ways using other parts as I continue on with this adventure of life.
Namaste~
