In the last few weeks, much to my surprise I learned I have a parathyroid adenoma and I will need surgery to remove. It hopefully explains some of the life impairing symptoms that I have been having for months. I have felt much older than my fifty-six years and it makes sense now. I had been attributing it to another medication I'm taking and that this just must be aging. I underwent lots of different tests to come to the previous diagnoses of hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism. The last test though to find the affected parathyroid, really did me in. I can now say, with certainty that I had a panic attack in the middle of it. It was much more identifiable because I couldn't move.
I have never named my previous panic attacks. With my past "freak outs" I just didn't put it together. My ego probably didn't want to let me and once it was over, I didn't want to think about it anymore. Prior to the last test, I had contacted my pharmacist friend about my claustrophobia and the scan. She texted, will you have a panic attack? And until that moment, I had not named any of what I had experienced before as a panic attack.
I do have panic attacks.
This one enabled me to learn a few things.
In order to get a better look at my parathyroid glands, I had a nuclear medicine test with dye. I didn't take
a gander at the scanner until the night before. It didn't look good. Yet I thought I will get through it, I will take a Xanax, it's going to be okay. It has to be, because I really need this test. I want to know for sure what is draining my energy, giving me body aches, headaches, making my brain fuzzy, as well as going to the bathroom numerous times during the night. I feel like I have aged two decades in the last few months. It is hard to be tired ALL the time, even thinking and talking is too hard.
The nuclear medicine "guide" Brad was very friendly, used a lot of humor as I was jittery and anxious. It took about ten minutes for the shot of the radioactive dye to settle into my system and away we go. One of my newer techniques to combat my claustrophobia is to have my mind occupied so I was planning to listen to a podcast or music. As I walked to get my airpods and phone, he said, it's just two minutes. So I didn't get them.
( Lesson 1) I didn't listen to my intuition.
I should have at least been listening to something. I laid down and the panel lowered in front of my face.
The life began draining from my body slowly and surely.
I stayed quiet as I could feel terror move down my body very slowly from the neck down. It felt like the radioactive dye was moving down, but it wasn't. It was past trauma.
That two minutes seemed to last for hours. All I thought was how could I get back in here and do this again for an even longer time period?!! Both Brad and another guide Alejandro held my hands during part of that two minutes, bless them. How in the heck am I going to manage this again?
I sat up, felt like I had to throw up and gingerly walked away with Brad telling me, we will get you through this.
I had another text conversation with my pharmacist friend. I learned that my Xanax dose wasn't that strong and I could take another but I would need someone to drive me for the second appointment.
I enter the zone of one of my absolute worst fears. Who am I going to get to help me? I have no one to help me. It brings up abandonment issues that paralyze me, yet I needed to act and fast. I was forced to start reaching out to persons who could get here in 45 minutes and take me across town to Ochsner Hospital. At this point, I was ugly crying so I at least wanted someone I felt comfortable with. An Uber would not do the trick. I reached out to a few people and there were conflicts, but each one said, they would work it out if needed.
I was so heartened to know they would show up if they could.
Tears rolling down my face even now.
(Lesson 2) I do have friends who are willing to help.
My fourth person, Shannon, was off work on Friday afternoon, nearby and available! I told her I was a hot mess, and she replied, "hot mess is my specialty."
Relief and gratitude flowed through my body. It was the opposite feeling of the test. I stopped crying and took another Xanax.
(A note: I don't like taking Xanax, benzodiazepines can be dangerous if taken regularly, I only use them when absolutely necessary)
Off we went, Shannon came into the scanner room, talked to me and held my hand for some of it. I'm here, I've got you. This time, I did grab my phone and airpods and listened to music. My husband George did a fly by as he was in the middle of five surgeries that afternoon. It was so much easier this go round.
(Lesson 3) Take the right dose of Xanax.
I remember having a great conversation catching up with Shannon on the way home. After a good nap, it all seemed a little fuzzy though, so absolutely I should not drive on a full dose of Xanax. Thanks Kris! The fun(!) from this day carried over until the next day. I felt so drained and experience a panic attack hangover. Every cell in my body had freaked out for that two minutes and then it went on as I tried to prepare to do it all over again. I had to be kind and rest and take care of myself.
I will not beat myself up for having a response that is in my body. It just is. If anything, welcoming the unwanted feelings and making friends with it is the way to heal what is in the body. I have to nurture my own self. Yet, people can also be utterly kind, I have found those people in my tribe to connect with and help me and vice versa. I have more chances to ask for help as I will have surgery in the next couple of weeks.
Namaste
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