A Little Snot

Months ago when I was trying a kundlini yoga class, I heard this song and it intrigued me. I asked for the name from the yoga teacher and it was unusual. Last week, I was in my mothership, Barnes and Noble and heard the song again and it was time to look it up. The singer is named Snatam Kaur. Yes, all I could think about was snot. But the melody was calling me. So I found the song which was seven minutes long. Seven minutes long!!...Why is it so long???



He, he, he. Well, the reason that it is seven minutes long is because of it's nature as a chant as part of Sikh devotional music. All I kept thinking was it just goes on and on repeating itself. Because...it's a chant. Then I read about the Sikh religion and it was fascinating. In my journey of "going lighter," I am open to reading other materials and finding what I like. Being open minded is a rather new concept to me!! I use to drag myself down with feeling judged, and now it is very freeing. I am worrying less and less about what others think and thus I don't judge others either!! Funny how that happens. So I am open to studying other belief systems. Take on those that intrigue me and the let the others fall by the wayside.

This Sikh religion believes in one creator, "Energy" and they have gurus who teach their beliefs. I have always liked the word guru. They also have a holy trinity: to practice meditation daily, to live honestly and earn by ones physical and mental effort while accepting God's gifts and blessings. And share their wealth within the community.

The next facts are what I found most interesting:
Kill the Five Thieves: The Sikh Gurus tell us that our mind and spirit are constantly being attacked by the Five Evils – Kam (Lust), Krodh (Rage), Lobh (Greed), Moh (Attachment) and Ahankar (Ego). A Sikh needs to constantly attack and overcome these five vices.
Positive Human Qualities: The Sikh Gurus taught the Sikhs to develop and harness positive human qualities which lead the soul closer to God and away from evil. These are: Sat (Truth); Daya (Compassion); Santokh (Contentment); Nimrata (Humility); and Pyare (Love).

In my journey, I have found myself drawn to MY truth, peace, contentment and finding out what true love is, ie. what an intimate relationship really looks like. That is the way I want to "be present" with my children and those loved ones around me. It is new territory for me. And ironically (?!), I continue to see God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in a new way. God has stopped being "out there." When I take the time to be still, get rid of all of the distractions, meditate, God is there, he is always there. And there is peace and contentment even though other "issues" in life go on. It is pretty amazing. I think that is why I was drawn to this music....this seven minute long chant!!!

RHONJ - Reunion...Let's get physical!!!

OMG...and yes, I will have to watch it TONIGHT, poor George. There is nothing redeeming about it but It's a total trainwreck and I can't look away at this point. I have been cramming watching the last season over the last two weeks. I can't believe Teresa pushing poor Andy Cohen like that....Watch what happens.

Bittersweet

Riley started school a week ago. And Mallory starts today. I knew both of them were a little apprehensive about the new school year. Riley was really ready to get back. I believe she would go all year if she could, but she was a little uncertain about her new teacher and classroom friends. I am feeling much emotion about Mallory starting "big school." It is a huge transition for her and me! Being a stay at home mom I am beginning to understand the rhythm of the year. There is such a huge transition into summer, and then again, another huge transition when they go back to school. During summer, every moment of my life is occupied. And then bam, once again, I will have some time. Wow!

I know what I want to fill it with for the most part. I have been to yoga maybe 3 times this summer. Yoga makes me feel peaceful, alert, alive, refreshed, at peace. And I wonder why I feel like I have stalled in my healing journey. I haven't gotten on the treadmill or moved my body nearly as much as I would have wanted to. I want to read. I want to have an adult conversation uninterrupted. I want to clean out my house. I look around at the house and I see all of the projects that I need to get after. And then I think, wow, I will be alone to do those projects. And that makes me just a little sad. Yet when the kiddos are home, I can't get anything done.

I need to make appointments - doctor, dental, mammogram. I want to continue to declutter out the wazoo. I think I am getting more and more of a high with cleaning. I'm thinking that perhaps I could slowly replace the eating addiction with another more healthy addiction, like cleaning. Another large task on my agenda, a biggie is that George and I decided to add on a keeping room to extend the kitchen area. I am excited about having some more living space but slightly dread dealing with the whole process. But it means that I get a new kitchen floor which thrills me, but I will be responsible for dealing with it all and we have had a few bad experiences so I am trying to keep it balanced.

It is still hard for me to believe that I'm done with Jefferson Baptist MDO and preschool. For six years, it has been a large part of my life. A very useful, grateful part of my life. Now both of the girls are at the same place! One starting time, one ending time, wow!! It hit me after being in the survival mode of the summer, the reality that I will have from 8 to 3, on my own. Oh my gosh! It is exciting and today both Mallory and I have butterflies.

The Piano

Many moons ago, I was trying to get pregnant. And it was taking a long time. It was a terribly difficult struggle. Lots of waiting, waiting, waiting, day in, month out. Shots, blood draws, transvaginal ultrasounds, endlessly frustrating phone calls with insurance companies, doctor's offices. Many, many, many emotions and many, many, many tears. Advice was given to relax, destress... That was when I first tried yoga. I would do anything to become a mother. During this time of trying to destress, George and I decided to buy a piano as I had taken many years when I was younger. In grade school, I enjoyed hours upon hours of playing and singing my heart out. The former joy though never really reoccured during my time of infertility though, I wasn't feeling it.

Yesterday, Riley had her first ever piano lesson. She was the child we finally became pregnant with and carried to term. She is our little miracle. (And Mallory is our natural miracle!) And then as I sat with her to see what she had learned, it hit me that the piano has come full circle. I'm also verklempt that she is starting 2nd grade today and next week, my baby will start Pre-K at the "Big" school. I'm getting pretty sentimental as my 24/7 summer reign ends and I am handing them over to Dunham for several hours a day. I am finally getting some downtime, and some time to go after my own interests.

Riley loved her lesson. She was so excited about practicing. It made me want to play again.

Just one more week

My reign as stay at home mom for the summer is nearing completion. There have been weeks that have flown by and there have been slow weeks. All in all, it has gone by fast. Everyone I talk to is repeating that same sentiment. Yet some days of summer have been really LONG. Yesterday was one of those days.

Riley, Mallory and I spend a lot of time together. The three of us. This week we had no specific camp or activity. I believe Mallory is showing her apprehension to starting big school by needing to know where I am EVERY moment of the day. If I move from the room that I am in, she runs screaming and crying to find me and saying, "Where are you?", "Why did you leave me?" So yesterday we were at home most of the day and if I moved from a room, I had to announce where I was going. Now more than half of the time, she doesn't listen to me because she is involved with something else. She has been attached to me in this way for a few weeks. It came to a head yesterday, when I told her I would be in the kitchen, cleaning. She went to watch a movie in another room and after a few minutes, she came back and checked on me. I had walked into the mudroom which is attached to the kitchen and she pointed to the threshold of the kitchen/mudroom. She was telling me I should have announced that I was going into the mudroom.

OH.... MY.... GOSH!! Could this BE any more annoying??? I guess I need to wear an ankle monitoring bracelet for her. Yet, I can tell how fearful she is. I can tell there is something deeper going on that she has no control over as she is just four and three quarters years old. I hold her and hug her and tell her that I'm not going to leave her. I ask, "Do I ever leave you by yourself?" etc. I try to be reassuring. This doesn't seem to squelch the behavior. I realize it is a phase. A draining phase. I lose my cool every now and then because it goes on ALL DAY LONG from 6-7am to 8pm at night. And then there is the fighting between siblings.

So around 2:30pm, we were coming to a really ugly place and the kids were bored and I was losing my mind and we called GaGa to see if we could resume our original plans of going swimming at her indoor pool. Earlier in the day, it had been black outside and rained something fierce with lightening and thunder, which contributed to Mallory's post Gustav fear of storms and THE clinginess.

Then I went further and had a brilliant idea to see if one of the kids could spend the night with her. It was Riley's turn and we had done this another week when I was at my wit's end and it was BEAUTIFUL. We went and swam, expended some energy and I left Riley. The sisters were ecstatic not to be near each other. I was ecstatic to have some seperation as well. I was getting a break. George got home at a reasonable hour! and I had some downtime. Some beautiful, wonderful, non ankle bracelet wearing time by myself. Namaste.

It's my Birthday and I will cry if I want to.

Today is my birthday, I am 42. Birthdays have been difficult as an adult. I believe there is the child in me that wants to feel special on my birthday and I expect that from other people and it doesn't happen. Several years back, I decided to take charge of my own birthday and treat myself. I buy my own present and generally go for spa treatments if I can. Last year WAS a fun birthday because it was Sunday, and our church announces your birthday if it falls on a Sunday. It was special to have my large church family tell me Happy Birthday. I had waited many years for my birthday to fall on a Sunday when they started the practice. And then on Facebook, a plethora of people sent me wishes. I secretly love that facebook tells everyones it is your birthday.

I had a discussion years ago with a friend who felt the same exact way I did about birthdays. Our expectations were never met. I think I understand better about my birthdays now. Other people have hated their birthdays, why didn't I develop that attitude sooner?!? And I have to change my expectations yet they die hard. I don't think anyone else could make me feel special now except myself. Yesterday after lunch, we had cake and I opened presents with George and the girls and GaGa. I really didn't want to do it yesterday because I wanted to save it for today but George would be leaving early and is on call so he may or may not be here this evening. And the kids wanted me to open the presents. It's always about them, you know. Riley and George for the first time used the sewing machine that Riley got for Christmas. They made a little purse and put my cards in it, she was so proud. Mallory wanted to help me open the presents AND would not shut up about the cake. I had to let go of what I wanted to do for my kids. It's a balance. Finding my way for me to take care of myself and to take care of my children, but the child in me was fighting them. They gave me scrabble with this note attached. No hinting around there and I'm not taking it personally.

On another note, I have been in hiding since Saturday afternoon. I went for an early birthday facial as I had a horrible blemish by my mouth. Warning graphic description: it was about 4 whiteheads in one and was huge. The esthetician was so excited about being able to get after it. I'm go glad I could give her that pleasure. I wasn't in hiding about the blemish, it was for the brow and lip wax that took the top layer of skin off around my eyebrows and upper lip. For years, I have been using a retinoid type product that makes my skin sensitive but I had never had this reaction before, and this esthetician did caution me, but now I WILL NEVER WAX AGAIN. She really went after it and used a lot of wax and a lot of pulling. My eyebrows were on fire when I left and I turned pinker by the minute especially in the 100 degree heat. The pinkness is starting to fade but I haven't touched my face in two days except to generously reapply Neosporin. So I have a greasy pink face with a healing blemish. Hello 42!!

Yet I am extremely grateful to turn 42 and for all of my blessings. I LOVE my family, I didn't know I could love anything so much as these two girls who rock my world on a daily basis. I am so thankful to have George as my partner in life. I have friends whom I adore and put up with me and my self-examinations. I am continually making new friends who have the same interests. I have health and am learning to take care of myself. I have a roof over my head, my husband has a job, which allows me to have my unpaid job. I am grateful. Yeah 42!! Bring on the birthday!