Turning Fifty, Donna Summer, & Unused Creativity

Yesterday afternoon, I was mundanely picking up my lovely child from volleyball practice. Prior to the drive, I had been busy planning an event that I'm in charge of for the first time and my mind has been filled with details, emails and a little anxiety.  On the way home, I tuned to the 70's station of Sirius Radio.  The first few bars of a song played and I quickly grabbed the volume knob and turned it up as loud as I thought Mallory could take it.

And then I turned it up a little more.

My energy level shot up.  I began bracing to happily belt out words to a long ago familiar song.



~Stringed instruments~

"Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again....AGAIN

~Insert wicked laugh and groovy dancing music....

I have no idea what the lyrics mean but I bellowed out the ones that I remembered. And I laughed while doing so because what does that cake represent.  I haven't known for thirty years.  But my spirit lifted.  My mood shifted.

I LOVE MUSIC.

I love how unbelievably fast that music can change my energy and lift my soul up.

While I walked the dogs this morning, I began a You Tube play list of groovy dancing music from my era of the late 70's and 80's.  Why have I never pulled together all of the music that makes me so happy?  I became lost in it and will pay the price by going to the later, more advanced yoga class.  Oh well, my intuition has told me I needed to step up anyway.

Music, the arts, writing and more falls under being creative. Creativity comes from a higher power.  Unused creativity is not benign.  I remember when I heard that in a podcast with Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert.  That WOKE me.  What Brene learned from the research was that when you do not use what you have been given, it can eat you up inside and make you sick with resentment, grief, and heartbreak.  Ohhhhh.   That gift of God must be used.  I need to write.  I need to dance.  I need to turn up the volume on what pleases my soul.  And we are all creative people, it's not just the arts.  It can encompass using your brain to think out of the box.  What holds me back?  Time and worrying about what other people think. But when I make the time and let go and use it...

It makes me a more LOVING and JOYFUL person (which is why God planned it that way)

I do need to stop worrying about what others opinions are of me.  I am turning fifty this year.  It is a decent number milestone.  It is making an impression on me because my birthday isn't until August and it's been on my mind!!  At this point in my life, I have to get on the horse or not ride at all and be sick with heartbreak and grief.  I can feel it.   It is also the tenth year of writing this blog. How did that happen?  I have been finding myself and my soul, slowly, through this writing and other means.  Once again, the point about finding my authenticity is that it is divinely given.  As I peel back the layers of stories I tell yourself, of who I  think I'm supposed to be, and find out what makes my soul sing, I find the Creator.

The very essence of the beginning of life and LOVE.

So I will try a little harder to fit Donna Summer and 80's music in but also find time for quiet which is where my writing naturally evolves.

Namaste.

It's a great podcast!! Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert: Season 1, Episode 12: Brene Brown on "Big Strong Magic"

Driving Lessons and Learning How to Be Me From My Eldest

Riley is growing up and I'm allowing her to be who she is, and it's an ever-evolving journey. This week we went to the DMV and obtained her permit to drive with a licensed parent.  Last year at this time, it came as an utter surprise to me that Driver's Ed would occur this year, her fifteenth year of life.  I've been so consumed with her changing schools that driving was not on my radar at all.

The topic actually popped up at a church values seminar last year with a round table of parents and I was stunned to learn how soon driving could be taking place.  I was more concerned about discussing values and sexuality when this other topic popped up.  I had more reason to worry about driving : )

I have not emotionally nor mentally embraced my child behind the wheel, but we are doing it anyway.   It feels akin to the Subaru commercial where the dad pictures his teenager as a little girl behind the wheel.



When this child came out of my body, I felt overwhelmingly responsible for her.  Her dietary nurturance came from me. We were attached 24-7 for about a year with very few breaks. I was her everything as mothers are. George played a part too but as my body grew her inside of me, it was on me, and perhaps I felt this a little too much. Some days were terrifically challenging due to postpartum depression but I went through the motions again and again until it felt normal.  I was very enmeshed with her and had a hard time letting go of the little stuff.  In hindsight, I wished I could have relaxed and trusted the Divine One that all would be well.  Yet that was how I was wired at the time.

Over the years, I learned we needed boundaries.  I learned to be present with her emotions but not to take them personally as I had.  The very first tantrum she had as a toddler, scared the bejesus out of me.   The older aged tantrums were also difficult but I sloooowly learned that she was venting and there was something deeper in her that needed attention.  And magically when I got to the root of the need, the fireworks ceased.  We all want to be heard and be in connection.

Last year was a deeper learning curve.  She had been miserable at school for years in terms of friendships. She really liked the school but there was no comfortable fit at all socially.  She felt an outcast where she (we!) had been for ten years.  And as I take things personally, was I an outcast?  I didn't fit in the clique.  I had to learn to be me and find friends naturally.  Riley has put a spotlight on this area for me this year.

This first semester at her new school, was a big transition for me, not her!  Sadness bubbled over me every time I went to the old school with Mallory.  Riley fit in seamlessly at the new school and has been happy from the very first interaction of summer geometry camp that her parental units made her go to.  She bonded with the other campers complaining that their P.U's made them go too.  I wanted her to start making friends as soon as possible and unconsciously I wanted her to do it my way.  I wanted her to go to the football games (not interested).  I thought she should be inviting new friends over to hang out or go to the movies (nope.)   We had uprooted our lives and schools for gosh sakes, I thought she needed to put herself out there.  I was so overwrought about her former school's fall dance and her sociability that I ended up at the therapist office extensively for her.  But as I sat and informed the therapist of what was going on, she looked at me and said, this seems to be more for you than for her.

Bam!

Deep down I knew this.  It took that one session with a professional to tell me that introverts make friends very slowly and tend to watch and gather information.  If they have one or two friends, that's all they need and they like being alone. Bazinga!

She just wanted to go to a school and have friendly faces around her.

Thus began the deep acceptance of teenage Riley and a deep acceptance of who I am on a more enlightened level.

Riley is perfectly happy to be at home on Friday and Saturday nights and for most of a school break.  What's important right now moreso than boys, are those friendly faces at school.  She's not interested in makeup, earrings or fashion and when we clothes shop, it is decisive. She loves academics, history, trees, genealogy, her church, volunteering, Birkenstocks, Chacos and NCIS.  What thoroughly cemented my daughter's proclivities was a personality test at school and the results showed her love of structure and order at the rate of 73% and social needs at 4%.  Whoa!!  Could it be any more obvious how my child was wired?!!

She has social activities but ones that I didn't have growing up and those fulfill her. The ones that I desperately wanted in high school, like a boyfriend, or being popular is not on her list.

So, I get it.  And I have really been examining my own friendships, and passions.  What and with whom do I really want to spend my time on?   I have to listen to my own God given intuition for what works for me.

I am not ready for her to drive, as it feels very unnatural right now.  Turning her out into the world in a 3-4 ton automobile to interact with the world at large is daunting. Yet I am getting in the car with her again and again until it begins to feel normal.  I am also tightly gripping the door handle too!  I know that this time in the car is priceless.  When she starts driving on her own, I will lose that chunk of time and won't gain it back. Being a parent is an amazing journey with bumps and dives and thrilling highs and large learning curves.  To survive, I use big deep breaths that fill the lungs completely with just as large exhalations and listening to the Holy Spirit through my own intuition.  And my own quiet time!!

And all will be well even if it doesn't look like I anticipated.

Namaste.