Transitions

There have been two monumental days this year in our household.  Our first born started college six hours away in August and our youngest received her full driver's license in September.

I really had to talk this one out with my best friend to process.  I have entered a transition as a mother.  It is a slow and subtle shift over the years.  For the first time, I am no longer driving a daughter to school in the morning or picking up in the afternoon.  That job lasted fifteen years for this school.  And all of a sudden,  it's no longer needed.  It wasn't really all of a sudden, she had been driving with a permit for nearly a year, but that first morning when she went on her own, it felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 

Just hold on, I have learned and that energy will pass.  It may feel so brutal but that energy will pass.  Don't resist. 

Who am I? No more carpool?!!  And yet I had to drag myself hundreds of times, especially in the afternoons to sit and wait in a line and now, it is no more. 

I am beginning to grow accustomed though. I don't have to get dressed so early in the mornings, except I have to walk the dogs.  My alarm doesn't necessarily have to go off early, as youngest and I are doing a dance as she learns to wake herself up on her own. 

In the big picture, it is time that these young ladies leave the nest and become independent. It is a bittersweet transition though.  I have been very intentional all these years knowing that was my job for them to be on their own and something I had to learn how to do as I never felt independent at all myself. 

It is time that I can stretch my wings too. I have many passions.  It's a learning curve for all of us. 

It can be jarring at times.  Last night, youngest was asking me if she could drive here to do this, and there to do that with friends.  And a knowing creeped in. I am no longer needed as much.  Our time is lessening. We no longer have time in the car to chat as she practiced driving everywhere.  I need to be intentional of maintaining our communication around so much school, homework, social, and extracurricular activities. 

She's off on her own in a new way now.  

And it is so bittersweet. 

I am super proud of both of my girls but to be brutally honest, there is a little feeling of abandonment that pops us.  I know that is more about my childhood issues that I am addressing head on in therapy, than to do with my daughters who are growing up and evolving as they should.  

Sad energy passes through every now and then.  I had to go to the library to renew my card so that I could continue to borrow books digitally.  I have not been in person much at all.  I sat and read an article in a People magazine, my old favorite.  As I got up to leave after enjoying the quiet, I remembered I use to go to the library or Barnes and Noble when I had a sitter to have some peace when they were little.  It also hit me how much I had brought them to the library over the years to get new books, movies and sign up for the summer reading program.  It broke my heart just a little in that moment that those times were over.

And then it passed and there were more errands to be run.  And life goes on. 

Eldest is adjusting to college slowly as I am (!).  That's another topic.  I am so very proud that she is branching out, putting herself out there much better than I did.  Yet, there is still contact and thank goodness for technology.  

They both still need me in different ways and hopefully always will. 

I cherish my children and our relationships.  We have both grown up together. 

Namaste. 

That Moment of Peace Amongst The Chaos

This summer has been crazy busy.  Preparing for eldest's move to college, house updates involving a contractor, getting a brand new car repaired, getting a new driver ready to go solo, planning a vacation, continuing to survive in a pandemic, etc, etc. 

In this picture of our recent vacation, my eldest and I are at a National Wildlife Art Museum in Jackson, Wyoming at their patio restaurant called Palate.  When Riley found the restaurant and the views online, I wanted to be in that space.  It was calling me. 

I very much desired to take in moments with the wonder of creation all around.  These are stunning views of mountains and as a native Louisianian residing at 40 feet above sea level, this is still fresh and inviting to me!  I don't want to drive them or hike them (too much) but LOOK at them, oh my.  

Yes, please. 

On a California trip in 2018, I pushed and Riley and I ended up at the Cliff Restaurant in San Francisco on the coast.  We hiked our way across Golden Gate State Park, took a bus and another hike to get there.  I pushed against my instincts to stay small, go along, stay in the box, and not ask for what I wanted.  We did it,  and there was a wall of windows overlooking the Pacific Ocean and it was magnificent! It was just magical.  That scene called to me, I listened and I and I LOVED every bit of it including my feet screaming.  

Family vacation.  It's a newish concept for me.  Growing up, my family of origin were not able to take many vacations and neither did my husband's family.   When I met my husband that is when I really began to travel.  First of all, his parents lived in Massachusetts, a distant and foreign land and it went from there.

The family that he and I have created, our core four, have been able to travel and the girls have been so many places. Sometimes, we take them places they don't want to go. 

"Go West Young Man" was what I dubbed our eleven day driving trip in 2015 to New Mexico, Arizona, and Utah including stops at the Grand Canyon, Lake Powell and Zion National Park.  I learned a lot about my family on that trip.  George adamantly wants to stop at every stop in the twenty six mile Painted Desert.  At Disney, he wants to go from early in the am to late at night for six days straight.  The rest of the family, not so much. This creates chaos and that IS just a part of family vacations. 

How do you compromise? 

During the Go West Young Man trip of 2015, we ventured to The Narrows in Zion National Park, a gorge with 1000 foot walls and the Virgin River flowing through spaces as small as twenty to thirty feet wide. It was 100 degrees but our feet were hiking in very cold water.  I was enthralled.  It was a both/and moment. There were a lot of people, and Riley did not like it, at all and Mallory loved it.  George wanted to continue and he wanted the family to stay together.  

This was not a pretty picture and it was chaos. 

Not quite chaos but extremely uncomfortable.  As much as Riley did not want to go on, George did. 

I believe, that is one of the moments that George and I learned, dividing and conquering is a good thing.  A very good thing. Yet, it is hard to go against natural instincts. George wants the whole family to be together.  I want peace. Riley nor Mallory do not like crowds. Mallory is more adventurous. Riley and I love learning history. 

On this most recent trip, we learned neither daughter very much wanted to go to Yellowstone or the Grand Tetons.  I mistakenly had mentioned more tropical locations, before I decided I did not want to tangle with quarantining or hurricanes. This led to a stand down.  The compromise, was to add ropes course, zip lining and whitewater rafting for Mallory with George and off days and an art museum for Riley and I. 

But even those plans don't necessarily go smoothly.  Our museum morning required pickup of George and Mallory after their whitewater rafting at noon yet  I also really wanted to sit at that restaurant in the art Museum mentioned earlier. 

The Palate Restaurant at the Art museum called, but then so did Mallory saying they needed to be picked up early.  Riley and I had just sat down, to have an appetizer and then we were going to pick them up.  With the new information, I had to find the waitress, and tell her to make it to go.  

Riley was not pleased that plans changed once again.  I had changed plans a few times on my "structure" girl. She likes to make plans and stick to them.  I am a more a fly by my seat of my pants girl, on occasion.

I had about ten minutes to enjoy that view while someone was shooting me daggers with their eyes.   I took the majesty of the situation in and I remembering breathing deeply to ground me.  I ignored the daggers and I took in the magic.  This I have learned, is a skill that I am honing.  I can take in beautiful moments of tranquility while amongst chaos. 

This is the both/and of life. 

It is that much sweeter because it is so hard to come by. 

Namaste. 

Changes Are A Coming

My firstborn graduated from high school in May.  This is something both very exciting and exquisitely bittersweet all at once.  Our bird is flying the nest.  It's such a cliche but it's my cliche now, up close and personal.   I have worked really, really hard to make it the best nest possible.  I made an intention very early on in regards to my offspring to be emotionally present for them.  I didn't even know what that meant, I just knew I needed to be emotionally connected.  I ended up looking at patterns in my life and worked to change the ones that weren't helpful.  I wanted my girls to know, I was on their side, and had their back and they could talk to me.  Every human being longs to have connection with someone who sees them and hears them...just as they are even if they are not on the same page. 

What I didn't expect was along the way, I would learn how to care for my own self. 

I am learning how to do be present for myself, to listen to the divine intuition that is a magnificent guide for how to proceed.  It can be just a small flicker of a thought that registers for but a second, and I have learned over time...LISTEN TO IT.  Lean into it. 

In my head, I very much want my eldest daughter to gain her independence as she moves six hours away but for my heart, this departure has been unfathomable for years.   Watching a movie or tv scene of the drop off at college has ripped me to pieces. 

So now it's our turn. 

From the very beginning, to bring Riley into the world, we struggled.  It was a two year journey which included horrendous fertility treatments.   We finally succeeded, and then we brought our bundle of joy home and I went off the deep end.  My postpartum depression was not only unbearable sadness but relentless anxiety.  Anxiousness permeated every thought and decision and it was never ending.  It was a very rough few months and the pictures where I smiled betrayed what was really going on.  There are moments of time that are hardened in my mind as the worst of my life and it was during this period.  

I eventually sought help and began coming out of it.  (I didn't know how to clearly communicate and ask for help) The first night of taking an anti-depressant was one of those.  I didn't sleep at all (which was already a problem) and for hours truly thought that I was going to have to be hospitalized and the baby was going to be taken away. 

The pervasive loneliness, isolation and feelings of losing my mind slowly lessened but it has stayed with me.  When I think of that time, the pain is easily brought to the surface. 

As a baby, Riley was my constant and the learning of unconditional love.  It was the two of us twenty four hours a day, seven days a week with George popping in every now and then.   I was her meal ticket and it seemed to never end.  She looked to me for everything and I wanted to learn how to do "that."  In the beginning I faked smiled and singsonged through it.  And over the years through much hard work,  the fake smile became genuine.  With therapy, I began learning who I was, how to be in the moment, and how to feel everything that came my way.  I learned that feelings are not who I am, and they are energy that will flow if you allow them.  

The letting the energy flow has been one of the hardest skills to learn. 

In this past year, I'm learning with some very intense therapy to be caring and nurturing towards all my deeply seeded parts of pain and anxiety.   I am going back and addressing times of trauma that are imprinted in my soul.  Trauma doesn't have to be a horrific one time event.  It is something that gets trapped in your psyche because you did not know how to handle the situation at hand.  And each person handles the same life situations differently.   In therapy, long forgotten scenes pop in my mind that made a lasting impression.  These times are the foundation for my emotional muscle memory.  This is what I act out of every day.   "The Body Keeps The Score" book by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has been one of my sources to understand how deeply embedded events in our lives end up affecting us for life. 

Some of those moments I can still picture in my head from our old house are when Riley was a baby and I felt utterly helpless, alone and teetering on the brink.  Over and over and over again, I didn't think I was going to survive.  Through my therapist, I am processing these times with all the skills that I have now.  It is a reconciling that I never knew I needed but has been so powerful.  Slowly these feelings don't terrify me as they did in the past. 

But now...my eldest is venturing off.  The child inside of me feels like she will be overwhelmed and decimated by this loss, if I label it a loss.   I am grieving her evolving to a new stage of life and I know I am not alone.  She will still need me, but it is in a new and different way than the last eighteen years.  She will not be in our home.  She will not be in my physical presence everyday and her room will be empty.  

{Time out for crying.}  

 The pain energy will move through, the crying jags will recede. Life will change and we will adjust.  At times, this summer, as we don't see things eye to eye, I have moments where I think, oh my gosh, yes, it's time and then I quickly move back to, I am going to miss her like the dickens. 

On her end, my eldest is both excited and scared as well. Coming out of the crazy pandemic which rocked
her last two years of high school and Italy trip (!) this structure loving girl is ready to establish a new routine in her new place.  She is discombobulated once again and has lots to do to get ready to move on.  She needs my help.  It turns my stomach sometimes as I engage in college virtual seminars and then I talk to the scared part and it passes.  I am working to be present for her as much as possible while tending to my own needs.  It's not pretty at all and it's not photogenic. 

Yet, this is THE new learning curve.   Both/and.  Both being present for her AND myself. 

We can do hard things.  We have done hard things and we can do them again. 

We will both survive, and thrive and there may be dips and valleys along the way, but that is life. 

Namaste. 

Decluttering And Sacred Moments with Marie Kondo

Summer is upon us.  Yesterday, both of my children were out of the house.  I have been reveling in time alone and flitting from one thing to the next.  I could not concentrate on just one thing but I moved between twenty tasks.  My emotions were up and down.  The day started off with some blue feelings, I wrote, tears fell and I became energized. 

It was time to address the closet, it has been calling.  I want to streamline, get rid of clothes and anything else that is no longer in use.  This is easier said than done.  There are some fantastic memories associated with some clothes and other items.  I have read or heard that if you haven't worn an item in a year (perhaps 2 after the pandemic) then it's time to let it go. 

Long ago, I had watched only one episode of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.  For some reason, it did not resonate with me.  I don't know if it was the language barrier but I was not drawn to it.  As I ate lunch yesterday, I decided to give it another try for inspiration.  

It was the right intuition. 

I watched the homeowner, a recent widow and Marie meet and discuss plans.  They sat down at a table and discussed her goals for her house and for her. 

Then there was something very powerful which made me fall in love with Marie.  Marie told the homeowner she wanted to greet her house.  She got up walked around and found just the right spot and knelt on her legs sat on the floor and prayed. 

Oh yes! Cleaning out clutter is a spiritual process.  

(But there was more to come!)

I wanted to get on the floor and speak to Divinity about my intentions and goals.  Make plans for how I want to live my life in this house.  I want to think about the energy in the house.   It will soon be changing as my eldest is leaving for college which leads me to think of the empty nest in three more years.   Whoa. How did that happen?

Intention. For much of my thirties and forties, I took it to heart that I was a follower and people pleaser.  I did not know who I was and how to follow through on my own intentions.  I am learning to listen to my intuition, my gut and recognize the divinity that is guiding me.  Being in a quiet space like yesterday, really allows me to listen.  

I continued to watch "Tidying Up" and Marie blew me away again!  Her advice was to hold an item and see if it sparked joy.  

Oh my.  Yes!!!

Today, I could take in her message. 

Many items I keep, like shoes, I do so because they were expensive.  Would I ever wear them again?  Never, I think maybe the kids.  SMH. Nuh uh.  Some of them hurt my feet and I decided not to do that anymore.   So does that item spark joy?  Nooooo.   Instead it carries shame that I didn't wear them enough or that I had spent too much money.   And then there's the clothes that might fit in the future?  Nooooooo.

Why do I do that to myself? 

Conversely,  if I have a very positive memory of a shirt that I don't plan on wearing again,  she advises to hold it, acknowledge it and let it go. I Love that so much!   In a way, I had been doing a version of this with my daughters.  We would take pictures of items, especially stuffed animals and let them go. 

It's clear to me now, that this rule applies to all surroundings including people.   Do they spark joy, make me feel better or worse about myself?  Do I let go of trying to make things work with people it just doesn't?  (emphasis on work) It is hard to let people go though.  I can get on my knees, thank them for the role they have played thus far and let them go, or let my idea of them go.  I may have to do this several times over, because some people are harder to let go than others. 

This was such a simple but profound lesson. As I began to write again, I wanted to hear the exact words Marie used about sparking joy.  An interview of her & Stephen Colbert popped up.  He asked why Americans responded to her message of tidying up and sparking joy so much and it was because...we have clutter in our hearts. 

Those words permeated my body and straight to my heart.  I felt them and know them to be true. 

Marie Kondo...wow. 

Thank you. 

My bag of shoes is waiting to be donated.  

Now the rolling of the clothes, I need more time. 

Namaste.💕

God Save The Queen: She Helped Save Us During the Pandemic

My eighteen year old daughter burst into my room at 6:05am yesterday to let us know that Prince Phillip had peacefully passed away in his sleep.  This was not unexpected as he was ninety-nine and had been recently hospitalized. George was getting ready for work, so my eldest laid in bed with me and we watched CNN coverage.  Watching and reading about the British Royals has not been a new endeavor in our house, but it increased exponentially throughout the Pandemic and especially after we learned new information about a connection.

Riley was only eight when Prince William and Kate were married.  I know I watched, but I was not as enthralled as I had been as a teenager when Diana and Charles were married.  In 2018, for Harry and Meghan's wedding,  Riley was very engaged and on her own, planned to get up early and watch.  So Mallory and I joined her and we prepared tea and partook of scones for the early morning viewing. 

As the pandemic began, Riley, was stranded and isolated at home as we all were.  There was a definite blow to her psyche with a mangled trip to Italy as Covid first broke out, forcing the group home early and into quarantine by her school due to parental demand.  She had one day back at school before it was shut down the rest of the year.   She was separated from a burgeoning new friend group, and around this time an obsession began with British Royals. For her, there was a deep loss of all certainty with her organized, methodical mind which thrives on routines.  Those routines were blown to bits. The British Royal family with their steady twelve hundred year monarchy and so much documented family history stepped in and filled a void. 

Toss in The Crown series, documentaries, Instagram pages, and we have been satiated with the history and current activities of past, present and future Royals.  We both love it.  Younger sister Mallory and husband George can tolerate it for a bit.  As we watch a documentary or The Crown, we both are googling facts to understand more of what is going on. 

During this current phase, I developed a newfound admiration for the staying power of Queen Elizabeth, the longest currently living reigning European monarch.  If she lives four more years, she will be the longest serving monarch as she is now fourth.  The sheer numbers are remarkable.  She has been Queen for 69 years, and married for 73 years.  Whether you agree with a symbolic monarchy or not, colonialism or how it's run, she has devoted herself to the Crown and weathered so many world events, scandals, joys and heartbreak.  She has been loyal to her country to uphold her duty, as best as she possibly could.  We don't actually know what goes on behind closed doors, even though The Crown tried to imagine it.  Only those who lived it know, and each of them will have their own version of their truth which we many never hear.  (unless they have an Oprah interview!)

One of the major highlights of this time, was the discovery that my family on my maternal side is indeed related to the Queen!  This picture is the moment Riley found out as my sister in law confirmed it.  She is 21st cousins with Prince Charles. 

We were driving home from a college tour in October 2020 and stopped at a cemetery in Mississippi to see the graves of some ancestors.  We begin talking about genealogy once again.  Riley knew that many European Royals were related as a number of Queen Victoria's children married into other royal families. With thanks to my great Aunt Maydelle, we knew we were related to Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland.  Riley wondered out loud if Queen Elizabeth was related to him.  We looked up a Scottish government website and texted back and forth with my sister in law, a fantastic genealogist and within minutes she confirmed our distant but known link to my twentieth cousin Queen Elizabeth!!  Within minutes, she emailed us Riley's Royal Register which broke down the connection. 

The amount of enthusiasm and energy we gained from this little factoid at this time was so much fun and held our spirits up for many weeks. 

Since then Riley joined Facebook only to be a part of a royal watchers page.  She sends me Instagram messages about the royals.  I will admit that I don't watch or read all of them, but am glad to have that connection and perhaps it will continue when she attends college several hours away.  Riley also sends the different royal couples greeting cards knowing that their offices will send responses.  She eagerly anticipates the Royal Mail arriving and I have to admit it is quite fun. 

After Philip's death yesterday, it finally resonated with me how much the Royal family really helped my daughter cope with her world shutting down.  Her young life was put on hold, her social world crumbled and her Senior year obliterated.  For me, this is just a regular year, but for her, she will never have another senior year.  I am thrilled that activities have opened back up and a bit of normalcy has returned.  

I hope some things will persist. We have broached the topic of how we can have a watch party for when the fifth season of The Crown drops.  I am told that is not until 2022, and that Diana the Musical will drop on Netflix first.  Riley has already mailed her condolence cards to selected members of the family. 

God Save The Queen!  👸🏻 🇬🇧 

She helped save us. 

Namaste