A Little Something to Dream On

 Over the weekend, I engaged George in assisting me to declutter.  Sometimes, I need a warm body for companionship but one with a high reach is always especially helpful.  My main goal was to get the bookcase next to my bed cleaned up as it was overflowing.  There were steps to the process both literally and figuratively. There were hard decisions to be made, this time about books to keep or let go of as well as objects that had special memories but no place for display. As I was trying to find space to move books around, I came across a book in the living room bookcase (as opposed to the bedroom, dining room, or spare room bookcases!)  I immediately knew who it was from. 

It is a small collection of essays about Provence given to me by Aunt Joy, my father's one and only sibling. She passed away in 2003 before I knew exactly how much we were alike.  I am still becoming aware of who I am and giving myself permission to do so.  It has been a reassurance that I was like someone in my family.  Aunt Joy moved away from our hometown of Ethel after high school, went to college for social work and married a doctor in New Orleans.  She loved the arts and to laugh.  Her advice for family get togethers was to avoid discussion of religion or politics.  

She and I would have been okay to discuss politics because I believe we were on the same page, I just didn't know it as clearly as I do now.  

I would have been interested in her take on religion as well. 

The book had an inscription and was dated 1990.  

Something to dream on.  

Provence.   Excitement bubbles to the surface as I thought of our upcoming summer trip. 

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! 

Am I going to Provence? 

We have a European school trip planned for June including France.  Are we going there?!!!  

I run to find the itinerary and I actually know where it is!!

I cannot remember things as clearly as I use to.  And I NEVER thought I would be traveling to Europe... again.  My family went to the UK in July and it was extraordinary.  A trip I will never forgot.  When I think of it, I am filled with JOY.  

I find the papers. 

WE ARE GOING TO PROVENCE! 

How thrilling!  This is a huge God wink and I take it in.  Thirty three years later,  and a present from the past comes alive again.  A wonderful time to remember my aunt, to remind me to laugh, and to Dream. 

How many dreams do I have now?  It seems like I stay more concerned with surviving and working to stay peaceful in my heart and mind.  This is a wonderful check to ponder dreams. I have dreams for my children but what I am dreaming of for myself.  At times, I don't feel worthy, but in this particular instance, this book and this trip, is totally kismet.   

Also, dreams don't have to be grand.  They can be quietly purposeful.

Namaste

Aunt Joy with her grandson Jack around June 2002 on a riverboat in New Orleans.  I would have been pregnant with Riley due in October 2002.

This picture was taken outside of her home on 39 Lark in New Orleans. From left to right, My brother (in chair) Aunt Joy, cousin Kay, myself, and my mom and dad.  The date is sometime in the late seventies? 

My Pledge to Write Again

I have not been writing blogs as much in the last few years and that is disappointing.   I hear many people say that they write to process life and I concur.  I didn't know that when I started writing here fourteen years ago but it is necessary for me.  It's not that I don't have content because the last year, and those preceding,  I processed much but I just wasn't writing about it. 

Unused creativity is not benign as Brene Brown is quoted.  In just looking up that quote, I realize that I have been feeling all of that: grief, rage, judgment, sorrow and shame.  

I have to figure out how to sit down and write again. And allow the words to flow through.  And let go of the judgment.  

Sometimes ideas have to percolate. Sometimes the material is really personal and it's hard to share out loud.   For some reason, I want to share in a public forum but this is ripe with drawbacks.  Who will read it and will there be a negative reaction? I have experienced those.  I have been waiting to be criticized my whole life.  What I have found is that by the time it makes it to this forum, I have deliberated on it long enough and it flows out.  There is divinity in that flow and there is a joy and truth that occurs along with it. 

I have also found positive remarks from persons who I did not expect to hear from and the only way this occurs is to share publicly.  You never know who it will connect with.  My writing is not meant for everyone of course, but I need it. 

These are unused pictures in the hallway leading up to our primary bedroom.  I have decided I no longer want them in the places they use to hang.  A friend looked at some of them hanging in our dining room and commented about the color of the picture frames and she was 100 percent correct.  I needed another pair of eyes to awaken my senses.  I then looked around at everything hanging on the walls and knew I needed to shake things up and I did and then I got tired and maybe the holidays kicked in...

I have to decide what to do with these last items.  Some are treasured and some I use to treasure.   This process started late October and as of January 9th, today, they are still sitting in the hallway.  God bless my patient husband. 

Processing takes time, whether is processing the events of life or choosing which pictures to hang.   Letting go of the past and being in the present. I know the desire to get this cleaned up will come. Sometimes you just have to Wait for it.