Firework - Katy Perry

This is one of the songs we listen to in the car at present. I love the message and the positiveness and there are no curse words I have to pretend they are not hearing or will repeat. I asked the girls if they understood what it was saying. They didn't. I am working to empower my 8 and 5 year old to figure out who they are and I realize, you can't do that passively. You have to interact. You have to go there. You actually have to engage them in conversation on the issue. Why did I think they could "get it" by just listening (and they are a little young?!)

I told them that they were each fireworks and in their own way. We read a book about the light that God puts in each of us and every year it gets brighter. And they can do anything they set their mind too. Firework is just a funkier new version of "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine."

I am learning the same lessons now that I am (learning to) teach my children. Con current learning, better late than never!!

Now it does crack me up to watch fireworks come out of Katy Perry's chest. That's just a little bit funny?!

Motherhood is not for Sissies

It's that time of year again. Riley and Mallory have six and a half days and then school is out for SUMMER! Not that I'm counting.
The thoughts of summer conjure up both dread and excitement. It use to be all dread and my friend says my voice doesn't sound (as) panicked as in past summers. Yet I am steeling myself mentally right now. I am grieving my alone time. I love my quiet time. At this moment, I am sitting in my beautiful new living room and my windows on this mid May South Louisiana day are open!! and it is breezy!! I hear the birds chirping and the wind chimes clanging. Both cats are sleeping near me on the new furniture. : ) It is blissfull and I am soaking it up.

I love my girls with every fiber of my being, yet 24/7 just makes for very loooong hot summer days. There will be boredom, bickering and the need for patience, patience, patience. And George's work is unyielding. In the past I did not know how to take care of myself fully. I felt guilty for needing time away and judged myself so harshly. Now I know that it is the best thing for everybody. Being present with my children means I have to take care of myself so that I can be available. I need to schedule time away. I have scheduled some activities for them, joined a pool and plan to keep us busy but also have downtime in our own home. I am recognizing that I have to expend their energy especially Mallory's, and yet keep order. I want them to have fun, but be respectful of me, each other and their surroundings. That's a tall order when you are eight and five. And lessons that have to be repeated over and over again ad nauseum. Being a parent is not for sissies but I LOVE IT. I just can't imagine not having these beautiful children in my life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love seeing the world through their eyes and it is exhilarating when my eyes even with all of my adult worries are childlike again.


Mallory and I recently went to see Toy Story on Ice downtown at the River Center on a Saturday afternoon. There was a lot going on downtown. The Mississippi River is at a record high and we walked to see it from the levee. We walked back and in the middle of the Blues Festival concert, we spotted these ducks in a fountain. It immediately takes me to the book, "Make Way for Ducklings" which was given to us by my sister in law. It's one of our favorites and we even visited the statues dedicated to the book in the Boston Commons on a trip a few years back. And then on Sunday, George and Riley wanted to see the river so we went back again and I was excited to remember to look to see if the ducks were there. And they were! My heart was thrilled to see the Mama duck and the duckling....ducks! I was thrilled to see ducks??!!

To me that it was life is all about now. I am slowly moving away from the material possessions and desires of things. We all need some material stuff to some extent but what makes my heart really full is my family and the ability to have excitement about the simple things.

The Oprah Countdown

There are 15 shows left as of today. Oh NOOOO! In my journey To Golightly, I have come to accept that I can now say I love the Oprah Show. A year or so ago, I did not want to say that out loud because I saw a "friend's" post on FB talk about Oprah starting her own religion. I could go on to explain her religious beliefs as I have come to know them but instead I can say it
more succinctly, that's their opinion, it doesn't work for me and we can agree to disagree.

Now, I can say, that I am sad it is going off the air. I feel a twinge of sadness when I go to her website, they are counting it down. On the other hand, my DVR is too full and I can't keep up with what is taping now. But as I make my way through some of the shows, some of them are fluff, but some of them have such meaning to me. I see other people that she is interviewing having the same struggles and it makes me feel not so alone. So many people keep things all bottled up and I just can't do that anymore. I don't know who is going to come along and be able to do interviews like she does. There doesn't seem to be anyone to take up the mantle right now.

YET...

We have the Oprah Winfrey Network!! You might have heard about it. So far, The Judds who I was anxiously awaiting are not disappointing at all. You know any show that has therapy as part of it's makeup is right up my alley. I'm looking forward to Shania Twain's show especially as I heard about her "losing her voice." Making up now, for not having a voice for so many years, her story intrigues me. The Behind the Scenes of the Oprah Show have been enlightening and entertaining. Peter Walsh has had new shows and you know I love to declutter! Rosie will be coming on as well. Oprah's Master Class was interesting, most especially the ones about herself. I love to learn what makes people tick. So now Oprah's teaching will continue in a different format. I will miss the Oprah Show!

The..Best...Revival...Ever

I never thought I could say those words but they popped in my head after my weekend seminar with Father Richard Rohr. My fundamentalist baggage is lessening as I am beginning to joke about it and THE signpost that I am moving past it. My blogpost from May of 2009, entitled "Uncomfortable Religious Moments" covers some of it. To sum it up, I'm not a fan of believing the bible literally, or that there is a reason for everything, and most importantly, I have come to believe that a relationship with God is more about love than fear. It's about relationship not rules. It's not about I'm right and you are wrong.

This is a HUGE hurdle for me to overcome. Isn't it ironic that my journey to God is the same as my journey to my authentic self, moving from fear to love...

A few weekends ago in my own church, I attended a 2 day seminar led by a Franciscan priest named Father Richard Rohr of Albuquerque, New Mexico. I could do a whole bit about him being Catholic but that would show off my dualistic thinking. More to come on that later. I had never heard of him before but found him in a quote on FB and the quote resonated with me deeply. I looked him up, found a book and started reading. A few weeks later this same man was coming to OUR CHURCH. I didn't sign up first thing, that would have been too easy. I hesitated and was placed on a waiting list. But I made it and it was fantastic.

Sitting in my church book study (aptly titled Spiritual Quest) on Sunday night after the seminar, it hit me that this was THE BEST REVIVAL I had ever been to. (Big Smile) Revivals in my youth left me scarred. They brought me no closer to God but to be scared that I didn't respond to the tactics being employed. As I said the "revival bit" aloud to our small group, the young woman who also has fundamentalist baggage, laughed and knew exactly what I was talking about. There were no stanzas of hymns over and over to goad me to come up and be saved. No hellfire and brimstone, finger pointing talk. This was my thinking person's dream revival. I hung on to every word that this man spoke. Everything he said resonated deeply within me. Okay, not the history so much but that just made me understand the context of where we are today as followers of Jesus.

To sum the seminar up in my opinion, it is how Jesus's teachings became all about religion and knowing the answers and following this set of rules. Not the much needed curiosity of practicing a meditative journey and seeking our own answers within ourselves and which, drum roll please...come from God. And even further than that, there might not be an answer. And being able to live with that! Jesus would go off for days and days to be in prayer and meditation. And if Jesus had to do that...well. My human self needs renewal and regeneration. I now treasure my quiet time instead of feeling lonely. This seminar was one more of my aha moments along the journey To Golightly. I am seeing magnificent truths that I am so grateful to learn and they make life so much easier to live.

We are reading Father Rohr's book, "The Naked Now: Learning to See as the Mystics See" in the book study. I am amazed that as I read, I completely agree with many of his statements and it was as if he was reading my unconscious thoughts. I didn't know they were my thoughts until I read it and it made complete and utter sense to me. I knew this all along. I know I am in the right place, on the right path and this is THE journey for me. And that is MY kind of revival. Thanks be to God! : )

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

I can't stop listening to this. The words go by too fast for me so I look up the lyrics just to understand what it could be about. And that is open for interpretation. This could be my theme song. All of this internal work, what a perfect title...rolling in the deep.

The first lines are:
There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and bringing me out of the dark
Finally, I can see you crystal clear

Yes! The fire, coming out of the dark, and with some space, I can see things so much more clearly.

I love her voice and the beat, it feels primal at times. I know I've heard it because the song has been out since February but sometimes you have to hear it at THE right time. It was on Idol this week and it struck me. On Idol and on other stages, you can watch kids with big voices sing, but I respond to the ones that have "it." My friend and I have determined that "it" is the fact that they are conveying emotion of some experience of theirs to us and we connect with it. I love when it lines up that way.

Learning to Ride

Riley has been learning to ride a bike since last summer. We begin the process while we were in Rosemary Beach on vacation and there was a lot of drama, with both George and Riley and then George and I. Riley would get upset, and then George would get really frustrated that Riley was whining, then Riley would respond even more negatively to George. I could see her whining was fear but it "bugged the crap" out of him. And I didn't even consider that I could take over the job. I was standing in the back and leaving it to George. I have more patience than he does, I needed to step in.

A few weeks ago, I worked with her in the grass section of our neighborhood park. I ignored the whining and just kept telling her to get back on the bike. I didn't take the whining personally. Eventually I felt she would "get it."

Well finally it happened, gradually over time. For the last few weeks with our wonderful spring weather, the girls and I have ridden around the neighborhood ON OUR BIKES, all together!! I am so proud that we finally have this maneuver down and can exercise together. And yet we still have one more pair of training wheels to take off but in due time.

Last night which was Good Friday, we went for a family bike ride after some very delicious boiled crawfish. The weather was splendid, George was home!, and it felt so nice. Riley was riding fast and I thought, "uh oh." She took a really good spill, and there was blood on both her elbows and a knee. At first she planned on walking... all the way home. I gave her a little encouragement and she got back on AND with very littley whining, we finished our original ride plan. I was so proud of her. She had to fall off the bike to learn not to ride so fast. There are things that your children have to learn on their own. We can't do it for them. This IS the way that I am teaching her to do things on her own. These are the babysteps. We have a long way to go but I am so excited that I am learning how to be present with my children and that I have it in me to teach them life skills. I am learning to ride too! It is my life's mission right now. That, losing weight, and world peace. {smile} Happy Spring, Happy Easter!

Finding happiness...Within yourself?

I have had messages that come through with the same meaning from different sources and I am learning to pay attention. One via a Facebook friend's post and that was from Franciscan priest, Richard Rohr: "It's all a matter of becoming who we already are."

Hmmmm.

And then I saw J.K. Rowling on Oprah, and I have not read or watched one Harry Potter movie but I thoroughly enjoyed her fascinating story. But when she said the following, it made my hairs stand up. Oprah asked what her dream of happiness is and she replies, that in the first Harry Potter book, Dubbledorf says to Harry, "The happiest man alive would look in the mirror and see himself exactly as he is."

I have been coming to grips with looking in the mirror and knowing who I TRULY am for a couple of years now. It is a slow process but one in which I am making headway. I am able to see myself more and more clearly and accept all facets of myself even the ones that I think aren't so wonderful, and some of which I am seeing for the first time. I use to think the process was "out there" somewhere. To be "happy" I needed to go out and conquer the world in some way, lose so many pounds, or be exactly on target with life's plans. And you know that saying what happens when you make plans. The messages keep coming and I know now It's about the internal process and enjoying the moment right now. I am treasuring each moment with my children, (And some are easier than others, we are currently on Day 5 of togetherness with George on call and Spring break!!) but I know what blessings they are. They bless my life in ways I could never have imagined before I had them. I love being able to go through the amazement and wonderment of life through their eyes.

And lastly, another quote that is attributed to Marianne Williamson.

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.

Wow. The love is there. The higher power put it there from the beginning. And the barriers are there from family conditioning and one's own personality. I am digging deep to find it and allow it out with all the pain and grieving that comes with it. But the barriers are coming down slowly.