Entering New Territory: The Empty Nest

We moved our youngest daughter to college two weeks ago.  Three cars caravanned to Mississippi. Eldest daughter had been at home working remotely for the last three months for summer break.  She took part in the move in process and then headed back to her own school, two hours away.  We got youngest settled in, met the roommate and her family and eventually George and I departed. 

One car came home solo on that Sunday.  

The nest is now empty. 

There is so much meaning to that small statement. 

My first gut instinct is to deny that I'm sad, or that I might get depressed. I really really want everything (meaning me) to be okay. I desperately NEED to be okay (and of course, my daughter!).  The feelings of why that sentiment is so strong is because I went through horrendous postpartum depression and it still terrifies me that I might to back to that deep dark isolated place.  

I now have tools and experience to address situations that may arise.  

I don't feel depressed right now.  There is a vague sadness and certain little things hit for a few seconds.  This is more discombobulation, characterized by confusion and disorder.  It's different than went I sent eldest off when I grieved early and often.  The house is extremely quiet yet I really crave silence.  One, because I am an introvert and two, because that is when I hear God, my higher power and I process life which helps with becoming unstuck and more combobulated!  

We do now have three cats, yes three, and a dog who follow me around. I was unconsciously filling the nest as we lost two of our elder pets last fall.    What made me saddest when we arrived home that Sunday was seeing Snarg.  This is the cat that lived in youngest's bedroom and slept with her at night.  I felt bad that Mallory would not be there for Snarg on a regular basis anymore. But shy, skittish Snarg is adjusting.  I had to realize the cat is not as deeply traumatized as we humans.  She is branching out and coming to be with George and I.  On cue, Snarg had just came all the way across the house to my bedroom and to the chair in the corner that I write in. 

So what is hitting me is now what?  What is my focus? I have lived to be the best mother I could to my daughters.  I have done a lot of work to heal generational wounds so that I could be available to them emotionally and mentally.   I have spent years in therapy and the last few have been amazingly productive using Internal Family Systems which includes body work, because the body holds the trauma.  And amazingly, that work has dovetailed remarkably with my spirituality.  It's all inner work!

What I have to remind myself is although I lived to be there for my children I learned to take care of myself along the way.  And now, I just want to be. 

I just want TO BE for a little bit.  

I'm tired.  I am an introvert and I pushed through to do all kinds of things in the last 22 years as a stay at home mom.  Did I ever want to be in charge of a group of children?  Never.  I liked the idea of it but it was not in my wheelhouse.  But I did that many times. I even created ways to do it, to have opportunities for my children. 

I need to reset.  I need to give myself some time and space to lean into the new normal.  

George and I are adjusting to this new normal as well.  I believe we still like each other!  We were eased into being alone together again as Mallory was always gone. 

My children still need me in different ways.  The first two weeks of school, I talked to my youngest more than I did all summer.   They are both making their way and I'm so proud of who they are, how emotionally attuned they are and their drive.  I was so scared of everything at their age, but I have learned so much about myself and healed that I hope that I can pass on the wisdom I have obtained and still gaining.

Ready or not, here is the empty nest. It's a new chapter.  I can go slow, rest, and take time to process to lean into the next steps.  I know I very much need to trust my divinely given instincts that are telling me this is what I need now. 

My Reflection On My Nine Years In National Charity League With My Daughters and My Self!

 I joined a mother-daughter philanthropic organization nine years ago. The President of the chapter asked me to do the Inspiration for what was my last meeting in January 2024.  It ended up becoming a reflection and I spoke for ten minutes.  This is what I wrote, and I was really nervous about speaking but this is close to what came out of my mouth.  I was told that it resonated with several ladies.

Helllllloooooooo.  My name is Carolyn Golightly.  I am a Class of 2024 Pat and was a Class of 2021 Pat. So this is my ninth and final year.  And this is my last meeting!!!!

Megan texted asked me to do the inspiration for January 27th meeting.  My stomach turned.  I messaged that will be my last meeting…she messaged “I know.” In my head I thought, how will I fit nine years into a quote.  The message from Megan said, you can make it a reflection about your years.  And I thought YOU SEE ME -we are on the same wavelength yet my stomach is still turning.  I knew I had to do it, because I should end my time at NCL, in the same way I spent my years in NCL, stepping out of my comfort zone! 

So this is my reflection of being inspired by the River Road Chapter of NCL!

Here is something personal about myself: Early on, in my early 20’s I had this calling, drive, insight around my unborn children, knew I wanted to mother in a way that my children felt my emotional presence.  In hindsight, I felt very alone growing up.   SO no wonder that I went into counseling as a profession, and worked in mental health.  After kids, I stayed at home, but I lost professional work skills like public speaking, being in an organization, leading, working as a team. So after some time,  I was really glad that I Forest Gumped my way into NCL.  

Of course, Riley and I joined late, after orientation and I dragged my introverted, shy, smart 6th grader to our first tea. I think I knew two to three people at most.  And off we went. 

I was placed on the Provisionals committee for taking care of new members, which was good, I could learn what I missed at Orientation.  And as time passed, something happened, I was asked to join the board, as VP of Provisionals.  I never saw myself being in a leadership position, ever.  I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone.  Where did that take me? I was given a front row seat to watch and participate in women working together as a team, leading our daughters, working with philanthropies for the betterment of our community within a framework of bylaws. 

Now, did I want to get up on all those Saturdays for a meeting at 9am? No. But every meeting I walked away inspired by a representative of a philanthropy, or a special speaker or one year we had ticktocker alums come back and talk about their experiences. That made an impression on me. 

This chapter also helped me in other ways.   Riley my eldest daughter, at the time in eighth grade decided to make a change and move to SJA from Dunham.  I had no home base at St Josephs. I needed some people.  I looked around at a PAT meeting, and thought, who will be my people? I found a group of ladies that were both NCL and SJA and I formed a group text, and they were my tribe throughout those four years of high school and …we are still meeting for dinner to this day, seven years later. 

Three years go by and we get Mallory, my younger daughter on board, and in order to get her to go to meetings, I recruit all of her friends from Dunham. She is not as engaged as Riley has become but she was very excited to enter her NCL time on college applications and her resume. Children are different. 

We continue along, Riley graduates in ’21, starts college at the University of Alabama in Birmingham and joins a sorority.  I was unsure if she would join, but she found her place.  She becomes an officer immediately.  I just did not see this coming! She has served as an officer each year.  And at the beginning of January,  If you read your newsletter - I’m on the Newsletter committee...  (let me know if you want to join, great job) - she is serving as their President.  

I put a post about it on Facebook as I do, and one of my close friends, texted me and said that I had modeled that leadership role for Riley.  And then my friend said, I’m proud of you for showing her leadership and dedication. 

So VERKLEMPT - Hearing someone compliment my mothering goes directly to my heart.  And yet I really can't take it in. My intention of being present as a mother has changed me and my relationship with my children. I am learning to love unconditionally both myself and  those around me. 

So yes, I had something to do with Riley’s transformation, as did her father, but it is also who she is.   The third component was what she learned by being in NCL. She learned to lead a meeting, watch how an organization was run, she always wanted to hear the scoop about the board meetings.   

PAUSE - take deep breath

So as I say goodbye to the River Road Chapter, I am thankful.  

I was inspired. My daughters were inspired and as Martha Stuart would say “It’s a very good thing.”

And please see me if you are interested in chairing the newsletter after the meeting!