Goodbye 2024: A Sigh, Some Sadness and Deep Acceptance

 The last day of 2024 is upon us. Wow.  This has been a... year.  Year is written in a tone of eyes widened and a snarky look. It has been eventful medically as well as moving into a new life stage.  In March, I started using a tool in the form of medication to lose weight and I cannot even wrap my head around it, as I have lost weight. My youngest child graduated and went off to college. In September, I discovered that I had hyperparathyroidism which explained why I have felt decades older than I am for the last few months (years?).  Also likely why I thought I had ADD.  In December, I had surgery to remove the parathyroid adenoma and half my thyroid (no cancer found). Lastly, I was a part of the country reacting to the election in disbelief of how could this person be elected again. 

I have been writing this blog since 2009 and my entries have slowed since the last half of that sixteen years. In some ways that is okay, but I do have many creative ideas that come to me and I have not acted upon them for whatever reason.  This I know: I need to write to process life.  I need to use my divinely given creativity as well. Hyperparathyroidism has taken a lot from me lately.  I have experienced constant brain fog,  depleted energy levels, muscle weakness, achy bones, headaches and increased anxiety.  Yes, all of that from too much calcium in the body. Doing the bare minimum has been a stretch at times, and I'm thankful for my husband who has been patient with me.   I'm also so very thankful for a Facebook support group that has enlightened me that it could take up to a year to recover fully from this little known condition.  I had the surgery, the numbers look good but the symptoms are still here.  I am turning the corner in that I have ecstatic moments of mental clarity and I can tell I have more energy for tasks although still becoming depleted in a short amount of time. 

My annual decluttering phase is here but after two days of continued work, I'm empty again. Yesterday, I had an occular migraine and progress was made that I did not freak out as badly as it did the other two times that I had it. I went to the eye doctor months ago to check it out and after much discussion with my bestie, we think it is an eye headache.  This time, I told myself the lightening squiggles were going away, and I took CBD tincture to help relax.  I was then sensitive to sound and light for much of the day and had to rest. 

I had to rest. 

I have been doing a lot of resting and being with myself.  I have really gotten use to the quiet and I like it.  I'm glad I have done a lot of work to be with discomfort. 

I have been doing a lot of resting because that is all I can do. This is how it goes.  It's time to walk the dog.   Maybe I can go farther this time. Just a few moments in, I start feeling depleted once again.  My mind goes, oh nooooooo.  Muscle weakness creeps in. I can't go farther. I beat myself up for not being able to do more. I go back home and find sources to read that this is normal.  It took this condition a few years to advance itself, it is not going away immediately.  

So I rest and accept. 

I now have a headache, achiness all over, no energy and a little dizziness from the dog walk, writing, living.  

To sum all this up, I want to write more. I also have limitations. I am recovering and it's going to take time and I have to be patient with myself.  I am writing a few more minutes to finish this in a not so eloquent way because this doesn't have to be perfect. 

It just is. 

It is where I am.  Deep acceptance.  

The country is where it is.  There has been an uncovering of the belly of the beast. It's always been there.  

A sigh, some sadness and deep acceptance.  

Namaste

I Have To Say This Out Loud: Trump Is So Incredibly Unfit for Office

I have been fascinated with the office of the President since college, as well as the virtues of truth and decency, and lastly deconstructing my faith journey, the last 9 years has been rough.  It's been rough on everyone, including Trump supporters.  They are angry and have their reasons but obviously at this point, what he spews must be their belief system.  Trump denigrates his enemies using bigotry, misogyny, racism and sexism all of which has been on display in our faces for a decade now and yet this is all okay.  Let's add his multiple illegal and corrupt activities for decades and his bent to fascism.   He's working hard to stay out of prison.   Trump KNEW whom his "people" were, who would never turn their back on him.  So many of us have waited years as his behavior has worsened for Trumpers to change their minds. Staying with him has always been unfathomable and honestly the biggest disappointment is the support of him by Christians. 

 I'll get to that later. 

Oh and our children are watching. 

I kept waiting and waiting for Nixon era type Republicans who asked him to step down after Watergate to step up but that type of Republican does not exist anymore.  Liz Cheney, US Military Commanders, 700 current and former National Security Advisors and Republicans leaving or no longer in office, thankfully, do exist and have stood up.  

There is a lot of fear stoked, as Trump preaches gloom and doom, hate, revenge in his current word salad.  I equally have fear and doom with the thought of a Trump presidency with no guardrails and a packed Supreme Court that was not properly vetted.  There is free reign for the President with immunity.   Who would Trump bring with him to the office?  Who would be the guardrails? Many of Trump's original hires, which were second and third tier "regular" Republican party, went to prison or were fired because the narcissist doesn't listen to reason.  His VP was fired because Trump tried to have him killed in the insurrection because Pence was doing his job. And now with Trump showing obvious mental and physical decline, JD Vance and Project 2025 could really take over.  Do you want to retain medicare and social security?  Vance is scary because he might actually pass legislation which Trump really couldn't do because he flies by the seat of his pants (and ego)  and has no capacity for coercing bipartisan support.  

 The list of grievances against Trump is so long, one cannot keep it short, but I'm going to try.

One of the issues that speaks the most to me as the mother of two college aged daughters is his lie of "being a supporter of women."  He loves women, the same ones he cheated on, has sexually assaulted and grabbed by the pussy.  He and his henchpersons have overturned Roe v Wade and now allow women to die in parking lots because doctors fear retribution.  They force female children, victims of rape and incest to have babies. Childbirth has always been risky and through more advanced medical practices, less women and babies have died over the decades, but not anymore. Maternal death is on the rise. 

Abortion is healthcare.  Abortion is healthcare that women need.  Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, fetal abnormalities, maternal life endangerment are all reasons for removal of the fetus and/or to keep the woman alive.  If men were the ones to bear children,  this would absolutely not be happening. 

I thought that the Pro-Life movement was about saving fetuses. But as Republican legislatures have enacted their laws, that is just not the case for them.  It is about control.  Certain legislatures including Louisiana don't care about rape or incest victims of any age.  Some want to take birth control, Plan B, lifesaving Mifepristone medication off the table and into a locked box.  They want to track women going to another state to access abortion care, and put them in jail.  Others are waiting with baited breath to charge the first doctor. This is an attack on women. Trump says women love it, one of his many, many, many lies.  As a woman who went through infertility, and the mother of daughters, we can't go back!  Today, a woman miscarrying, or who is told horrible news about their unborn baby, they then have to navigate both the loss of the infant and trying to go out of state increasing emotional, physical and financial burdens and a risk of dying. 

If it was about life, military assault rifles would be banned and background checks would actually occur.  In 1994 when they were banned, deaths went down. When the assault ban expired in 2004, deaths went up.    Also, it is not a black and white issue, it is a both/and issue.  You can keep your non-assault rifles and handguns while reducing the number of ones that do the most damage.  It is common sense.  

Now to Christians who support Trump.  This is the BEST sermon below by a Texas House of Representatives Democrat, James Talerico. It is the voice that I have wanted to hear for a very long time.  The below video is 19 minutes long, here are the highlights:  "Christian Nationalists have turned the Son of God, a humble rabbi into a gun toting, gay bashing, science denying, money loving, fear mongering fascist."

Continuing Rep Talerico's words: "Christian nationalists walk around with a mouthful of scripture and a heart full of hate. Don't tell me what you believe. Show me how you treat other people and I'll tell you what you believe. Jesus didn't tell us to love our churches. He didn't tell us to love our doctrines and our creeds. He didn't even tell us to love our scriptures. He told us to love our neighbors, and there was no exception to that commandment. Love thy neighbor, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or immigration status." 

He continues a little later: "You know what's interesting, not once in the entire Bible does Jesus ask us to worship him. All he asks is that we follow him. Love like he loved. Love the outcast. Welcome the stranger. Feed the hungry. Heal the sick. Free the oppressed. As the hymn says, 'they will know we are Christians by our love.' We have to get back to that."

Our children are watching. 

And the real truth is that Kamala Harris is imminently qualified for office, will uphold the constitution, and wants to solve the problems at hand. She will work for women to be able to make decisions about their own bodies, pass the bipartisan border protection bill, work for clean air and water, small businesses, first time homeowners, bring down cost of pharmaceuticals, and preserve relationships with our allies etc. etc. 

It is okay to vote for a Democrat this time, to preserve the great American experiment of a republican form of government. Our forefathers mutually pledged their lives, fortunes and sacred honor to stand firm in declaring independence from a powerful king.  I know if you are a MAGA Trumper and you actually read this, it's not changing your mind at all but I had to get it off my chest. 

Our children are watching. 

Namaste. 

Panic Attacks And Asking For Help

In the last few weeks, much to my surprise I learned I have a parathyroid adenoma and I will need surgery to remove.  It hopefully explains some of the life impairing symptoms that I have been having for months.  I have felt much older than my fifty-six years and it makes sense now. I had been attributing it to another medication I'm taking and that this just must be aging.  I underwent lots of different tests to come to the previous diagnoses of hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism. The last test though to find the affected parathyroid, really did me in.  I can now say, with certainty that I had a panic attack in the middle of it.  It was much more identifiable because I couldn't move. 

I have never named my previous panic attacks.  With my past "freak outs" I just didn't put it together.  My ego probably didn't want to let me and once it was over, I didn't want to think about it anymore. Prior to the last test, I had contacted my pharmacist friend about my claustrophobia and the scan.  She texted, will you have a panic attack?  And until that moment, I had not named any of what I had experienced before as a panic attack. 

I do have panic attacks.  

This one enabled me to learn a few things. 

In order to get a better look at my parathyroid glands, I had a nuclear medicine test with dye.  I didn't take
a gander at the scanner until the night before.  It didn't look good. Yet I thought I will get through it, I will take a Xanax, it's going to be okay.  It has to be, because I really need this test.  I want to know for sure what is draining my energy, giving me body aches, headaches, making my brain fuzzy, as well as going to the bathroom numerous times during the night.   I feel like I have aged two decades in the last few months.  It is hard to be tired ALL the time, even thinking and talking is too hard. 

The part of the scanner that gave me trouble was a large flat panel that was focused on my neck and it had to remain flat to my face about six- seven inches away for the first test of two minutes.   I took the Xanax at 10:00 for the 10:30 test.  I thought that would give sufficient time and also it needed to stay in my system for the other longer scans at 1:30pm. 

The nuclear medicine "guide" Brad was very friendly, used a lot of humor as I was jittery and anxious. It took about ten minutes for the shot of the radioactive dye to settle into my system and away we go.  One of my newer techniques to combat my claustrophobia is to have my mind occupied so I was planning to listen to a podcast or music.  As I walked to get my airpods and phone, he said, it's just two minutes. So I didn't get them. 

( Lesson 1) I didn't listen to my intuition.   

 I should have at least been listening to something. I laid down and the panel lowered in front of my face.  

The life began draining from my body slowly and surely. 

I stayed quiet as I could feel terror move down my body very slowly from the neck down. It felt like the radioactive dye was moving down, but it wasn't. It was past trauma.  

That two minutes seemed to last for hours. All I thought was how could I get back in here and do this again for an even longer time period?!!  Both Brad and another guide Alejandro held my hands during part of that two minutes, bless them. How in the heck am I going to manage this again? 

I sat up, felt like I had to throw up and gingerly walked away with Brad telling me, we will get you through this. 

I had another text conversation with my pharmacist friend.  I learned that my Xanax dose wasn't that strong and I could take another but I would need someone to drive me for the second appointment. 

I enter the zone of one of my absolute worst fears.  Who am I going to get to help me?  I have no one to help me.  It brings up abandonment issues that paralyze me, yet I needed to act and fast. I was forced to start reaching out to persons who could get here in 45 minutes and take me across town to Ochsner Hospital.  At this point, I was ugly crying so I at least wanted someone I felt comfortable with.  An Uber would not do the trick.  I reached out to a few people and there were conflicts, but each one said, they would work it out if needed. 

I was so heartened to know they would show up if they could. 

Tears rolling down my face even now.  

(Lesson 2)  I do have friends who are willing to help.  

My fourth person, Shannon, was off work on Friday afternoon, nearby and available!  I told her I was a hot mess, and she replied, "hot mess is my specialty."  

Relief and gratitude flowed through my body. It was the opposite feeling of the test.   I stopped crying and took another Xanax. 

(A note: I don't like taking Xanax, benzodiazepines can be dangerous if taken regularly, I only use them when absolutely necessary)  

Off we went, Shannon came into the scanner room, talked to me and held my hand for some of it.  I'm here, I've got you.  This time, I did grab my phone and airpods and listened to music. My husband George did a fly by as he was in the middle of five surgeries that afternoon.  It was so much easier this go round.   

(Lesson 3) Take the right dose of Xanax. 

I remember having a great conversation catching up with Shannon on the way home. After a good nap, it all seemed a little fuzzy though, so absolutely I should not drive on a full dose of Xanax.   Thanks Kris! The fun(!)  from this day carried over until the next day.  I felt so drained and experience a panic attack hangover.  Every cell in my body had freaked out for that two minutes and then it went on as I tried to prepare to do it all over again.  I had to be kind and rest and take care of myself.  

I will not beat myself up for having a response that is in my body.   It just is.  If anything, welcoming the unwanted feelings and making friends with it is the way to heal what is in the body.  I have to nurture my own self. Yet, people can also be utterly kind, I have found those people in my tribe to connect with and help me and vice versa.  I have more chances to ask for help as I will have surgery in the next couple of weeks.  

Namaste

LEARNING TO LAUGH EVEN WHEN IT'S SERIOUS

The universe can be really funny. 

 I appreciate that and I want to notice more especially as I feel I have lost some of my sense of humor.  I feel I've stayed in the weeds a lot on my healing journey. 

Yet God/Divinity does have a sense of humor. 

I'm paying attention and it is a healing act to find the funny when we can.

George and I, the new empty nesters recently watched the two season HBO MAX series, "The Flight Attendant" with Kaley Cuoco.  She is the flight attendant with a drinking problem who wakes up in a Bangkok hotel room next to a deceased passenger that she had been partying with the previous night. His throat has been slit and there is blood everywhere.   This is not my normal fare because I haven't been able to watch violence and blood for quite some time.  Yet I was drawn to the quirky, twist and turns as the main character is trying to clear her name.  Kaley's character has repeated flashbacks of the bloody dead man with his neck slit over and over which was really instilled in my head. 

That takes me to the current issue of the last few weeks. 

I am in the middle of a medical issue.  For the last few years, I have had high levels of calcium in my body and recently, the number went outside of the normal range.  I had no idea what that meant, so the last few weeks, I have been immersing myself with hypercalcemia and now hyperparathyroidism. (and that is not thyroid, parathyroid! and a growth that is  highly likely to be benign)  I have had bloodwork, an ultrasound, bone test, twenty-four hour urine collection and as of yesterday, a nuclear medicine test.  We have now located approximately where the out of whack gland is that so that a surgeon can more easily find it to take it out. 

Guess where the surgery will occur?  It would require a slit across my neck!

Okay, a smaller slit, but still, a slit!

Right after I found about the potential surgery, I keep having the bloody vision of that deceased character in my head and then I laughed at it.  That is huge for my anxiety ridden self. What is the likelihood of seeing a bloody slit neck over and over for two weeks straight and then discovering I need to have my own neck sliced to heal myself?   

The universe's other funny bit is that in the same time period of watching that show, I started using a new cream...on my neck.  My children make fun of me because sometimes I fall for ads on social media.  I am now trying the "Go Pure Tighten and Lift Neck Cream."  I have noticed the things going on now with my neck... stupid selfies. 

Now, there will be a slit in that neck that I'm trying to lift and tighten and improve the appearance of.

The universe continues to give me opportunities to laugh and is telling me - Let Go.  Let go of the superficial!  I've earned all of these wrinkles, crepey skin, sun spots and the crinkle action in my neck.  I am beginning to embrace aging gracefully, but on the other hand I will never stop dyeing my hair...

Riley and Mallory do you hear me?! 

We all have a line. That is my line.  My beloved long term hairdresser says that my coloring doesn't fair well for grey hair.  I am going with that for now. I thoroughly embrace those who go with grey hair though.  

Most importantly, Laughter is the Best Medicine.  As I continue having medical issues, it would be really good for me to break up the fear and anxiety with some laughter.  I have noticed that in hospital settings in previous procedures,  many employees actively use humor to lighten things up.  Each time I am reminded, oh yeah, that is such a good thing. 

Namaste. 

Entering New Territory: The Empty Nest

We moved our youngest daughter to college two weeks ago.  Three cars caravanned to Mississippi. Eldest daughter had been at home working remotely for the last three months for summer break.  She took part in the move in process and then headed back to her own school, two hours away.  We got youngest settled in, met the roommate and her family and eventually George and I departed. 

One car came home solo on that Sunday.  

The nest is now empty. 

There is so much meaning to that small statement. 

My first gut instinct is to deny that I'm sad, or that I might get depressed. I really really want everything (meaning me) to be okay. I desperately NEED to be okay (and of course, my daughter!).  The feelings of why that sentiment is so strong is because I went through horrendous postpartum depression and it still terrifies me that I might to back to that deep dark isolated place.  

I now have tools and experience to address situations that may arise.  

I don't feel depressed right now.  There is a vague sadness and certain little things hit for a few seconds.  This is more discombobulation, characterized by confusion and disorder.  It's different than went I sent eldest off when I grieved early and often.  The house is extremely quiet yet I really crave silence.  One, because I am an introvert and two, because that is when I hear God, my higher power and I process life which helps with becoming unstuck and more combobulated!  

We do now have three cats, yes three, and a dog who follow me around. I was unconsciously filling the nest as we lost two of our elder pets last fall.    What made me saddest when we arrived home that Sunday was seeing Snarg.  This is the cat that lived in youngest's bedroom and slept with her at night.  I felt bad that Mallory would not be there for Snarg on a regular basis anymore. But shy, skittish Snarg is adjusting.  I had to realize the cat is not as deeply traumatized as we humans.  She is branching out and coming to be with George and I.  On cue, Snarg had just came all the way across the house to my bedroom and to the chair in the corner that I write in. 

So what is hitting me is now what?  What is my focus? I have lived to be the best mother I could to my daughters.  I have done a lot of work to heal generational wounds so that I could be available to them emotionally and mentally.   I have spent years in therapy and the last few have been amazingly productive using Internal Family Systems which includes body work, because the body holds the trauma.  And amazingly, that work has dovetailed remarkably with my spirituality.  It's all inner work!

What I have to remind myself is although I lived to be there for my children I learned to take care of myself along the way.  And now, I just want to be. 

I just want TO BE for a little bit.  

I'm tired.  I am an introvert and I pushed through to do all kinds of things in the last 22 years as a stay at home mom.  Did I ever want to be in charge of a group of children?  Never.  I liked the idea of it but it was not in my wheelhouse.  But I did that many times. I even created ways to do it, to have opportunities for my children. 

I need to reset.  I need to give myself some time and space to lean into the new normal.  

George and I are adjusting to this new normal as well.  I believe we still like each other!  We were eased into being alone together again as Mallory was always gone. 

My children still need me in different ways.  The first two weeks of school, I talked to my youngest more than I did all summer.   They are both making their way and I'm so proud of who they are, how emotionally attuned they are and their drive.  I was so scared of everything at their age, but I have learned so much about myself and healed that I hope that I can pass on the wisdom I have obtained and still gaining.

Ready or not, here is the empty nest. It's a new chapter.  I can go slow, rest, and take time to process to lean into the next steps.  I know I very much need to trust my divinely given instincts that are telling me this is what I need now. 

My Reflection On My Nine Years In National Charity League With My Daughters and My Self!

 I joined a mother-daughter philanthropic organization nine years ago. The President of the chapter asked me to do the Inspiration for what was my last meeting in January 2024.  It ended up becoming a reflection and I spoke for ten minutes.  This is what I wrote, and I was really nervous about speaking but this is close to what came out of my mouth.  I was told that it resonated with several ladies.

Helllllloooooooo.  My name is Carolyn Golightly.  I am a Class of 2024 Pat and was a Class of 2021 Pat. So this is my ninth and final year.  And this is my last meeting!!!!

Megan texted asked me to do the inspiration for January 27th meeting.  My stomach turned.  I messaged that will be my last meeting…she messaged “I know.” In my head I thought, how will I fit nine years into a quote.  The message from Megan said, you can make it a reflection about your years.  And I thought YOU SEE ME -we are on the same wavelength yet my stomach is still turning.  I knew I had to do it, because I should end my time at NCL, in the same way I spent my years in NCL, stepping out of my comfort zone! 

So this is my reflection of being inspired by the River Road Chapter of NCL!

Here is something personal about myself: Early on, in my early 20’s I had this calling, drive, insight around my unborn children, knew I wanted to mother in a way that my children felt my emotional presence.  In hindsight, I felt very alone growing up.   SO no wonder that I went into counseling as a profession, and worked in mental health.  After kids, I stayed at home, but I lost professional work skills like public speaking, being in an organization, leading, working as a team. So after some time,  I was really glad that I Forest Gumped my way into NCL.  

Of course, Riley and I joined late, after orientation and I dragged my introverted, shy, smart 6th grader to our first tea. I think I knew two to three people at most.  And off we went. 

I was placed on the Provisionals committee for taking care of new members, which was good, I could learn what I missed at Orientation.  And as time passed, something happened, I was asked to join the board, as VP of Provisionals.  I never saw myself being in a leadership position, ever.  I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone.  Where did that take me? I was given a front row seat to watch and participate in women working together as a team, leading our daughters, working with philanthropies for the betterment of our community within a framework of bylaws. 

Now, did I want to get up on all those Saturdays for a meeting at 9am? No. But every meeting I walked away inspired by a representative of a philanthropy, or a special speaker or one year we had ticktocker alums come back and talk about their experiences. That made an impression on me. 

This chapter also helped me in other ways.   Riley my eldest daughter, at the time in eighth grade decided to make a change and move to SJA from Dunham.  I had no home base at St Josephs. I needed some people.  I looked around at a PAT meeting, and thought, who will be my people? I found a group of ladies that were both NCL and SJA and I formed a group text, and they were my tribe throughout those four years of high school and …we are still meeting for dinner to this day, seven years later. 

Three years go by and we get Mallory, my younger daughter on board, and in order to get her to go to meetings, I recruit all of her friends from Dunham. She is not as engaged as Riley has become but she was very excited to enter her NCL time on college applications and her resume. Children are different. 

We continue along, Riley graduates in ’21, starts college at the University of Alabama in Birmingham and joins a sorority.  I was unsure if she would join, but she found her place.  She becomes an officer immediately.  I just did not see this coming! She has served as an officer each year.  And at the beginning of January,  If you read your newsletter - I’m on the Newsletter committee...  (let me know if you want to join, great job) - she is serving as their President.  

I put a post about it on Facebook as I do, and one of my close friends, texted me and said that I had modeled that leadership role for Riley.  And then my friend said, I’m proud of you for showing her leadership and dedication. 

So VERKLEMPT - Hearing someone compliment my mothering goes directly to my heart.  And yet I really can't take it in. My intention of being present as a mother has changed me and my relationship with my children. I am learning to love unconditionally both myself and  those around me. 

So yes, I had something to do with Riley’s transformation, as did her father, but it is also who she is.   The third component was what she learned by being in NCL. She learned to lead a meeting, watch how an organization was run, she always wanted to hear the scoop about the board meetings.   

PAUSE - take deep breath

So as I say goodbye to the River Road Chapter, I am thankful.  

I was inspired. My daughters were inspired and as Martha Stuart would say “It’s a very good thing.”

And please see me if you are interested in chairing the newsletter after the meeting!

 

Ode to a Uterus: Part 2 - A Real Goodbye This Time

 I didn't think I would be writing about my uterus anymore.  I did ten years ago when I had an endometrial ablation.   https://timetogolightly.blogspot.com/2013/08/thank-you-uterus.html  All has been good for a long time except some ovarian cysts and fibroids that weren't causing any long term problems. Last year, I did find out I was in menopause and began taking estrogen.   

About a month ago, the uterus became problematic again.  A visit with a nurse practioner, and the ER uncovered that my uterus decided to supersize with fibroids and was causing discomfort and pain. I learned about fibroid degeneration, and blood supply.  Tomorrow, I plan to learn more after the surgery is completed that will remove my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and cervix. The key word is after surgery.  

I have learned some things about myself in the last twenty-seven years which was my last "big" surgery. 

I have anxiety.  At times, this anxiety grips my body in paralysis and my mind thinks it's never going to leave my person ever, ever again.  As my heart is racing, my stomach is turning, my whole body is activated but frozen and my thoughts turn to desperation and darkness.  How will I go on like this forevermore?  Who is going to save me? After some time has passed, and the grip of anxiety has lessened,  I forget that I have anxiety.  It has come to be a surprise over and over that this condition is my baseline.   I was shocked, I tell you, shocked when some years ago, my primary care doctor wrote in my chart, generalized anxiety disorder! 

In the past, when I wasn't in the thick of it, I had been in complete denial of it. Anxiety didn't interfere in my life's function until postpartum with my first child. I didn't know what was going on, but it tortured me.   

The last few years, with my fabulous therapist, I have used Internal Family Systems therapy to address and understand my baseline anxiety and feelings of abandonment.  Much time has been invested in knowledge about trauma in the body, and Complex PTSD, etc. For years, I focused on head knowledge which was an avoidant technique.  Now, I address it in the body with IFS, brainspotting, yoga, meditation, mindfulness and new understandings of the Trinity.  Now I know, I need to embrace the anxiety and make space for it and coexist with it, because it is a part of me. 

In late 1996, my last big surgery, was when I was first married and living in Buffalo, New York, while my husband was in his general surgery residency.  I began having abdominal pain and it was my appendix.  On the way to the Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital to have it removed, I'm sure I asked what was going to happen.  My husband told me every freaking detail of what was going to happen. In hindsight, it was best for me not to know the details, including the kicker that there was to be shaving of a certain region! Another thing to block out in that surgery, with my unclothed body laying on the table was a residency friend that had come to our Thanksgiving dinner who would be assisting.  There are things I needed to block out then and now and likely forevermore. 

When I had my appendix removed, I had the really unpleasant memory of being rolled into the OR, but not out under anesthesia yet.  I was very distressed as the room was cold and very bright, and I could see the sterile instruments and every one rushing around to prepare but there was no attention to me.  I felt so abandoned and alone.  It triggered something deeply embedded in me.  They were just doing their jobs but I very much had a reaction that has stayed with me to this day and is coming up as I type this. 

This time, twenty seven years later, I am able to speak up and ask that I not be rolled into the OR until I'm out, ask for a hand or some acknowledgment.  Anything for me to speak up and express myself!   

I am the person to save me. For a few decades, I didn't know how to ask.  I suffered in silence.  I didn't feel worthy to speak up.  

Yesterday, as I discussed the upcoming procedure with a friend group, and I told them about the blog from ten years ago, and how I had wanted to acknowledge my uterus and it's job, my friend started laughing.  She brought up sentiments of Marie Kondo, the house organizer:  In letting go of objects in the home, she would thank them for their service and let them go if they did not spark joy anymore.   

My uterus is banging into my bladder and other parts and is not sparking joy anymore!!  I once again am profoundly thankful for having the privilege of carrying two of the lights of my lives and giving birth.  There was a time, I didn't think that would happen and I am still grateful. 

 I am also grateful to say goodbye to these four reproductive parts.  It is time.  I hope to be productive in other ways using other parts as I continue on with this adventure of life. 

Namaste~