Panic Attacks And Asking For Help

In the last few weeks, much to my surprise I learned I have a parathyroid adenoma and I will need surgery to remove.  It hopefully explains some of the life impairing symptoms that I have been having for months.  I have felt much older than my fifty-six years and it makes sense now. I had been attributing it to another medication I'm taking and that this just must be aging.  I underwent lots of different tests to come to the previous diagnoses of hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism. The last test though to find the affected parathyroid, really did me in.  I can now say, with certainty that I had a panic attack in the middle of it.  It was much more identifiable because I couldn't move. 

I have never named my previous panic attacks.  With my past "freak outs" I just didn't put it together.  My ego probably didn't want to let me and once it was over, I didn't want to think about it anymore. Prior to the last test, I had contacted my pharmacist friend about my claustrophobia and the scan.  She texted, will you have a panic attack?  And until that moment, I had not named any of what I had experienced before as a panic attack. 

I do have panic attacks.  

This one enabled me to learn a few things. 

In order to get a better look at my parathyroid glands, I had a nuclear medicine test with dye.  I didn't take
a gander at the scanner until the night before.  It didn't look good. Yet I thought I will get through it, I will take a Xanax, it's going to be okay.  It has to be, because I really need this test.  I want to know for sure what is draining my energy, giving me body aches, headaches, making my brain fuzzy, as well as going to the bathroom numerous times during the night.   I feel like I have aged two decades in the last few months.  It is hard to be tired ALL the time, even thinking and talking is too hard. 

The part of the scanner that gave me trouble was a large flat panel that was focused on my neck and it had to remain flat to my face about six- seven inches away for the first test of two minutes.   I took the Xanax at 10:00 for the 10:30 test.  I thought that would give sufficient time and also it needed to stay in my system for the other longer scans at 1:30pm. 

The nuclear medicine "guide" Brad was very friendly, used a lot of humor as I was jittery and anxious. It took about ten minutes for the shot of the radioactive dye to settle into my system and away we go.  One of my newer techniques to combat my claustrophobia is to have my mind occupied so I was planning to listen to a podcast or music.  As I walked to get my airpods and phone, he said, it's just two minutes. So I didn't get them. 

( Lesson 1) I didn't listen to my intuition.   

 I should have at least been listening to something. I laid down and the panel lowered in front of my face.  

The life began draining from my body slowly and surely. 

I stayed quiet as I could feel terror move down my body very slowly from the neck down. It felt like the radioactive dye was moving down, but it wasn't. It was past trauma.  

That two minutes seemed to last for hours. All I thought was how could I get back in here and do this again for an even longer time period?!!  Both Brad and another guide Alejandro held my hands during part of that two minutes, bless them. How in the heck am I going to manage this again? 

I sat up, felt like I had to throw up and gingerly walked away with Brad telling me, we will get you through this. 

I had another text conversation with my pharmacist friend.  I learned that my Xanax dose wasn't that strong and I could take another but I would need someone to drive me for the second appointment. 

I enter the zone of one of my absolute worst fears.  Who am I going to get to help me?  I have no one to help me.  It brings up abandonment issues that paralyze me, yet I needed to act and fast. I was forced to start reaching out to persons who could get here in 45 minutes and take me across town to Ochsner Hospital.  At this point, I was ugly crying so I at least wanted someone I felt comfortable with.  An Uber would not do the trick.  I reached out to a few people and there were conflicts, but each one said, they would work it out if needed. 

I was so heartened to know they would show up if they could. 

Tears rolling down my face even now.  

(Lesson 2)  I do have friends who are willing to help.  

My fourth person, Shannon, was off work on Friday afternoon, nearby and available!  I told her I was a hot mess, and she replied, "hot mess is my specialty."  

Relief and gratitude flowed through my body. It was the opposite feeling of the test.   I stopped crying and took another Xanax. 

(A note: I don't like taking Xanax, benzodiazepines can be dangerous if taken regularly, I only use them when absolutely necessary)  

Off we went, Shannon came into the scanner room, talked to me and held my hand for some of it.  I'm here, I've got you.  This time, I did grab my phone and airpods and listened to music. My husband George did a fly by as he was in the middle of five surgeries that afternoon.  It was so much easier this go round.   

(Lesson 3) Take the right dose of Xanax. 

I remember having a great conversation catching up with Shannon on the way home. After a good nap, it all seemed a little fuzzy though, so absolutely I should not drive on a full dose of Xanax.   Thanks Kris! The fun(!)  from this day carried over until the next day.  I felt so drained and experience a panic attack hangover.  Every cell in my body had freaked out for that two minutes and then it went on as I tried to prepare to do it all over again.  I had to be kind and rest and take care of myself.  

I will not beat myself up for having a response that is in my body.   It just is.  If anything, welcoming the unwanted feelings and making friends with it is the way to heal what is in the body.  I have to nurture my own self. Yet, people can also be utterly kind, I have found those people in my tribe to connect with and help me and vice versa.  I have more chances to ask for help as I will have surgery in the next couple of weeks.  

Namaste

LEARNING TO LAUGH EVEN WHEN IT'S SERIOUS

The universe can be really funny. 

 I appreciate that and I want to notice more especially as I feel I have lost some of my sense of humor.  I feel I've stayed in the weeds a lot on my healing journey. 

Yet God/Divinity does have a sense of humor. 

I'm paying attention and it is a healing act to find the funny when we can.

George and I, the new empty nesters recently watched the two season HBO MAX series, "The Flight Attendant" with Kaley Cuoco.  She is the flight attendant with a drinking problem who wakes up in a Bangkok hotel room next to a deceased passenger that she had been partying with the previous night. His throat has been slit and there is blood everywhere.   This is not my normal fare because I haven't been able to watch violence and blood for quite some time.  Yet I was drawn to the quirky, twist and turns as the main character is trying to clear her name.  Kaley's character has repeated flashbacks of the bloody dead man with his neck slit over and over which was really instilled in my head. 

That takes me to the current issue of the last few weeks. 

I am in the middle of a medical issue.  For the last few years, I have had high levels of calcium in my body and recently, the number went outside of the normal range.  I had no idea what that meant, so the last few weeks, I have been immersing myself with hypercalcemia and now hyperparathyroidism. (and that is not thyroid, parathyroid! and a growth that is  highly likely to be benign)  I have had bloodwork, an ultrasound, bone test, twenty-four hour urine collection and as of yesterday, a nuclear medicine test.  We have now located approximately where the out of whack gland is that so that a surgeon can more easily find it to take it out. 

Guess where the surgery will occur?  It would require a slit across my neck!

Okay, a smaller slit, but still, a slit!

Right after I found about the potential surgery, I keep having the bloody vision of that deceased character in my head and then I laughed at it.  That is huge for my anxiety ridden self. What is the likelihood of seeing a bloody slit neck over and over for two weeks straight and then discovering I need to have my own neck sliced to heal myself?   

The universe's other funny bit is that in the same time period of watching that show, I started using a new cream...on my neck.  My children make fun of me because sometimes I fall for ads on social media.  I am now trying the "Go Pure Tighten and Lift Neck Cream."  I have noticed the things going on now with my neck... stupid selfies. 

Now, there will be a slit in that neck that I'm trying to lift and tighten and improve the appearance of.

The universe continues to give me opportunities to laugh and is telling me - Let Go.  Let go of the superficial!  I've earned all of these wrinkles, crepey skin, sun spots and the crinkle action in my neck.  I am beginning to embrace aging gracefully, but on the other hand I will never stop dyeing my hair...

Riley and Mallory do you hear me?! 

We all have a line. That is my line.  My beloved long term hairdresser says that my coloring doesn't fair well for grey hair.  I am going with that for now. I thoroughly embrace those who go with grey hair though.  

Most importantly, Laughter is the Best Medicine.  As I continue having medical issues, it would be really good for me to break up the fear and anxiety with some laughter.  I have noticed that in hospital settings in previous procedures,  many employees actively use humor to lighten things up.  Each time I am reminded, oh yeah, that is such a good thing. 

Namaste. 

Entering New Territory: The Empty Nest

We moved our youngest daughter to college two weeks ago.  Three cars caravanned to Mississippi. Eldest daughter had been at home working remotely for the last three months for summer break.  She took part in the move in process and then headed back to her own school, two hours away.  We got youngest settled in, met the roommate and her family and eventually George and I departed. 

One car came home solo on that Sunday.  

The nest is now empty. 

There is so much meaning to that small statement. 

My first gut instinct is to deny that I'm sad, or that I might get depressed. I really really want everything (meaning me) to be okay. I desperately NEED to be okay (and of course, my daughter!).  The feelings of why that sentiment is so strong is because I went through horrendous postpartum depression and it still terrifies me that I might to back to that deep dark isolated place.  

I now have tools and experience to address situations that may arise.  

I don't feel depressed right now.  There is a vague sadness and certain little things hit for a few seconds.  This is more discombobulation, characterized by confusion and disorder.  It's different than went I sent eldest off when I grieved early and often.  The house is extremely quiet yet I really crave silence.  One, because I am an introvert and two, because that is when I hear God, my higher power and I process life which helps with becoming unstuck and more combobulated!  

We do now have three cats, yes three, and a dog who follow me around. I was unconsciously filling the nest as we lost two of our elder pets last fall.    What made me saddest when we arrived home that Sunday was seeing Snarg.  This is the cat that lived in youngest's bedroom and slept with her at night.  I felt bad that Mallory would not be there for Snarg on a regular basis anymore. But shy, skittish Snarg is adjusting.  I had to realize the cat is not as deeply traumatized as we humans.  She is branching out and coming to be with George and I.  On cue, Snarg had just came all the way across the house to my bedroom and to the chair in the corner that I write in. 

So what is hitting me is now what?  What is my focus? I have lived to be the best mother I could to my daughters.  I have done a lot of work to heal generational wounds so that I could be available to them emotionally and mentally.   I have spent years in therapy and the last few have been amazingly productive using Internal Family Systems which includes body work, because the body holds the trauma.  And amazingly, that work has dovetailed remarkably with my spirituality.  It's all inner work!

What I have to remind myself is although I lived to be there for my children I learned to take care of myself along the way.  And now, I just want to be. 

I just want TO BE for a little bit.  

I'm tired.  I am an introvert and I pushed through to do all kinds of things in the last 22 years as a stay at home mom.  Did I ever want to be in charge of a group of children?  Never.  I liked the idea of it but it was not in my wheelhouse.  But I did that many times. I even created ways to do it, to have opportunities for my children. 

I need to reset.  I need to give myself some time and space to lean into the new normal.  

George and I are adjusting to this new normal as well.  I believe we still like each other!  We were eased into being alone together again as Mallory was always gone. 

My children still need me in different ways.  The first two weeks of school, I talked to my youngest more than I did all summer.   They are both making their way and I'm so proud of who they are, how emotionally attuned they are and their drive.  I was so scared of everything at their age, but I have learned so much about myself and healed that I hope that I can pass on the wisdom I have obtained and still gaining.

Ready or not, here is the empty nest. It's a new chapter.  I can go slow, rest, and take time to process to lean into the next steps.  I know I very much need to trust my divinely given instincts that are telling me this is what I need now. 

My Reflection On My Nine Years In National Charity League With My Daughters and My Self!

 I joined a mother-daughter philanthropic organization nine years ago. The President of the chapter asked me to do the Inspiration for what was my last meeting in January 2024.  It ended up becoming a reflection and I spoke for ten minutes.  This is what I wrote, and I was really nervous about speaking but this is close to what came out of my mouth.  I was told that it resonated with several ladies.

Helllllloooooooo.  My name is Carolyn Golightly.  I am a Class of 2024 Pat and was a Class of 2021 Pat. So this is my ninth and final year.  And this is my last meeting!!!!

Megan texted asked me to do the inspiration for January 27th meeting.  My stomach turned.  I messaged that will be my last meeting…she messaged “I know.” In my head I thought, how will I fit nine years into a quote.  The message from Megan said, you can make it a reflection about your years.  And I thought YOU SEE ME -we are on the same wavelength yet my stomach is still turning.  I knew I had to do it, because I should end my time at NCL, in the same way I spent my years in NCL, stepping out of my comfort zone! 

So this is my reflection of being inspired by the River Road Chapter of NCL!

Here is something personal about myself: Early on, in my early 20’s I had this calling, drive, insight around my unborn children, knew I wanted to mother in a way that my children felt my emotional presence.  In hindsight, I felt very alone growing up.   SO no wonder that I went into counseling as a profession, and worked in mental health.  After kids, I stayed at home, but I lost professional work skills like public speaking, being in an organization, leading, working as a team. So after some time,  I was really glad that I Forest Gumped my way into NCL.  

Of course, Riley and I joined late, after orientation and I dragged my introverted, shy, smart 6th grader to our first tea. I think I knew two to three people at most.  And off we went. 

I was placed on the Provisionals committee for taking care of new members, which was good, I could learn what I missed at Orientation.  And as time passed, something happened, I was asked to join the board, as VP of Provisionals.  I never saw myself being in a leadership position, ever.  I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone.  Where did that take me? I was given a front row seat to watch and participate in women working together as a team, leading our daughters, working with philanthropies for the betterment of our community within a framework of bylaws. 

Now, did I want to get up on all those Saturdays for a meeting at 9am? No. But every meeting I walked away inspired by a representative of a philanthropy, or a special speaker or one year we had ticktocker alums come back and talk about their experiences. That made an impression on me. 

This chapter also helped me in other ways.   Riley my eldest daughter, at the time in eighth grade decided to make a change and move to SJA from Dunham.  I had no home base at St Josephs. I needed some people.  I looked around at a PAT meeting, and thought, who will be my people? I found a group of ladies that were both NCL and SJA and I formed a group text, and they were my tribe throughout those four years of high school and …we are still meeting for dinner to this day, seven years later. 

Three years go by and we get Mallory, my younger daughter on board, and in order to get her to go to meetings, I recruit all of her friends from Dunham. She is not as engaged as Riley has become but she was very excited to enter her NCL time on college applications and her resume. Children are different. 

We continue along, Riley graduates in ’21, starts college at the University of Alabama in Birmingham and joins a sorority.  I was unsure if she would join, but she found her place.  She becomes an officer immediately.  I just did not see this coming! She has served as an officer each year.  And at the beginning of January,  If you read your newsletter - I’m on the Newsletter committee...  (let me know if you want to join, great job) - she is serving as their President.  

I put a post about it on Facebook as I do, and one of my close friends, texted me and said that I had modeled that leadership role for Riley.  And then my friend said, I’m proud of you for showing her leadership and dedication. 

So VERKLEMPT - Hearing someone compliment my mothering goes directly to my heart.  And yet I really can't take it in. My intention of being present as a mother has changed me and my relationship with my children. I am learning to love unconditionally both myself and  those around me. 

So yes, I had something to do with Riley’s transformation, as did her father, but it is also who she is.   The third component was what she learned by being in NCL. She learned to lead a meeting, watch how an organization was run, she always wanted to hear the scoop about the board meetings.   

PAUSE - take deep breath

So as I say goodbye to the River Road Chapter, I am thankful.  

I was inspired. My daughters were inspired and as Martha Stuart would say “It’s a very good thing.”

And please see me if you are interested in chairing the newsletter after the meeting!

 

Ode to a Uterus: Part 2 - A Real Goodbye This Time

 I didn't think I would be writing about my uterus anymore.  I did ten years ago when I had an endometrial ablation.   https://timetogolightly.blogspot.com/2013/08/thank-you-uterus.html  All has been good for a long time except some ovarian cysts and fibroids that weren't causing any long term problems. Last year, I did find out I was in menopause and began taking estrogen.   

About a month ago, the uterus became problematic again.  A visit with a nurse practioner, and the ER uncovered that my uterus decided to supersize with fibroids and was causing discomfort and pain. I learned about fibroid degeneration, and blood supply.  Tomorrow, I plan to learn more after the surgery is completed that will remove my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and cervix. The key word is after surgery.  

I have learned some things about myself in the last twenty-seven years which was my last "big" surgery. 

I have anxiety.  At times, this anxiety grips my body in paralysis and my mind thinks it's never going to leave my person ever, ever again.  As my heart is racing, my stomach is turning, my whole body is activated but frozen and my thoughts turn to desperation and darkness.  How will I go on like this forevermore?  Who is going to save me? After some time has passed, and the grip of anxiety has lessened,  I forget that I have anxiety.  It has come to be a surprise over and over that this condition is my baseline.   I was shocked, I tell you, shocked when some years ago, my primary care doctor wrote in my chart, generalized anxiety disorder! 

In the past, when I wasn't in the thick of it, I had been in complete denial of it.Anxiety didn't interfere in my life's function until postpartum with my first child. I didn't know what was going on, but it tortured me.   

The last few years, with my fabulous therapist, I have used Internal Family Systems therapy to address and understand my baseline anxiety and feelings of abandonment.  Much time has been invested in knowledge about trauma in the body, and Complex PTSD, etc. For years, I focused on head knowledge which was an avoidant technique.  Now, I address it in the body with IFS, brainspotting, yoga, meditation, mindfulness and new understandings of the Trinity.  Now I know, I need to embrace the anxiety and make space for it and coexist with it, because it is a part of me. 

In late 1996, my last big surgery, was when I was first married and living in Buffalo, New York, while my husband was in his general surgery residency.  I began having abdominal pain and it was my appendix.  On the way to the Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital to have it removed, I'm sure I asked what was going to happen.  My husband told me every freaking detail of what was going to happen. In hindsight, it was best for me not to know the details, including the kicker that there was to be shaving of a certain region! Another thing to block out in that surgery, with my unclothed body laying on the table was a residency friend that had come to our Thanksgiving dinner who would be assisting.  There are things I needed to block out then and now and likely forevermore. 

When I had my appendix removed, I had the really unpleasant memory of being rolled into the OR, but not out under anesthesia yet.  I was very distressed as the room was cold and very bright, and I could see the sterile instruments and every one rushing around to prepare but there was no attention to me.  I felt so abandoned and alone.  It triggered something deeply embedded in me.  They were just doing their jobs but I very much had a reaction that has stayed with me to this day and is coming up as I type this. 

This time, twenty seven years later, I am able to speak up and ask that I not be rolled into the OR until I'm out, ask for a hand or some acknowledgment.  Anything for me to speak up and express myself!   

I am the person to save me. For a few decades, I didn't know how to ask.  I suffered in silence.  I didn't feel worthy to speak up.  

Yesterday, as I discussed the upcoming procedure with a friend group, and I told them about the blog from ten years ago, and how I had wanted to acknowledge my uterus and it's job, my friend started laughing.  She brought up sentiments of Marie Kondo, the house organizer:  In letting go of objects in the home, she would thank them for their service and let them go if they did not spark joy anymore.   

My uterus is banging into my bladder and other parts and is not sparking joy anymore!!  I once again am profoundly thankful for having the privilege of carrying two of the lights of my lives and giving birth.  There was a time, I didn't think that would happen and I am still grateful. 

 I am also grateful to say goodbye to these four reproductive parts.  It is time.  I hope to be productive in other ways using other parts as I continue on with this adventure of life. 

Namaste~

I Go To the Gym to Meditate (Not Exercise)

My relationship with the gym is changing.  Old school me would have to make myself go, because I'm supposed to be there and it was based on looks. Now at fifty-five, it's more about being able to move and function!  I hope to have grandchildren one day and I want to be active with them.  When we took a two week nonstop group trip to Europe this summer,  I wanted to be able to keep up and not struggle, so I trained.  Moving my body now, makes me feel good. 

I also am learning that sitting with my body and thoughts, makes me feel good. 

Actually, better than the gym does. 

As a person who has suffered with anxiety forever (and didn't know it), hypervigilance and people pleasing, I had no idea how much I needed to be still and know that I am.  

Recently, I realized that the only classes I was actually attending at Woman's Center for Wellness were "Yoga Nidra" (gentle yoga with 20 minute guided meditation)  and a  "Breathe and Connect" which was total meditation.  I was going to the gym to meditate?!!  At first, I thought I'm a slacker, but then I discovered practicing in a group honed my skills and that is what I needed at this time.  

I have heard about meditation forever.  I knew it was SO good but when I sat down and tried over the years, I struggled.  I would try here and there.   At church, it was called centering prayer.  I remember sitting in a graduate school class and trying to breathe as instructed and making myself dizzy.  I did not take to it naturally at all.  

It has taken decades to gain this skill.  When I was taking more intense yoga classes and at the short shavasana at the end, emotions would come up and that freaked me out.  I was not okay with what came up because yoga was supposed to be relaxing.  

There is a good Netflix series called "Headspace: Guide to Meditation" by Andy Puddicombe.  He describes meditation as: "a skill of training our mind so that we can have a calmer, clearer mind and a greater sense of ease in our mind, our body and our life."  Andy reports how science has studied how meditation affects heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels and even the structure of the brain.  I can actually change the hardwiring of my brain to lessen anxiety.   That seems really unfathomable to me, but I am slowly seeing that very thing occurring. 

All of that sounds good doesn't it, but it's really REAL.

Mr. Puddicombe also describes how he thought he could think himself out of losses in his life.  I so identify with this.  I wanted to excise any negative emotion that came up.  My feelings frightened me. I was phobic of them.  He states that training the mind is about changing our relationship with the passive thoughts and feelings that come up.  We change our perspective on them and we naturally find a place of calm.  

Ding! Ding! Ding!

This immediately reminds me of an instagram post I read recently.  The opening slide attributed to Lexi Florentina states: We don't actually heal or "get rid of" our pain, trauma or grief.  Instead, we build capacity to coexist with it in a way where presence, safety, and joy can also take place.  

And then she takes the idea further...

Wow! 

The trauma, pain and distress will always be with us, but it is less intense as we process it.  With my therapist, I have processed some of my trauma, and I learned to be with it using IFS therapy.  Over time, I became less emotionally overwhelmed and began to welcome and nurture the scared, anxious, abandoned parts of my younger self. 

I can see now that meditation is a version of this.  I watch my thoughts go by and not attach to them or become them.  I use breathing as a major component to come back to the present as the restless thoughts always appear.  Sometimes, I repeat a positive intention word over and over.  There's so many ways. 

I'm so glad the gym offers Yoga Nidra and Breathe and Connect classes and I tried them!  They strengthened my meditation practice greatly.  One teacher was new to me but her meditation and the calming, nurturing way she led the guided meditation in shavasana was exactly what I needed.  The other teacher was one that I have taken classes from for years and she has taught me during that time to be kind and gentle with myself and send love to the parts of the body that we were stretching.  

So meditation and cardio.  Yoga Nidra and strength training.  The gym can be a place to meditate. 

Both/And

 

Namaste.

Taking A Break From Therapy But Not Healing

 A Quote from Jeff Brown

“At some point on the journey, you may reach a point where you want to ease the throttle of transformation. Not where you stop growing, but where you stop utilizing your will to affect personal change. You’re still growthful, but it’s different. It’s gentler, and it’s more about accepting what is, than changing it. You reach a place where you are more embracing of who you are, and of how far you have come, and you feel ready to work with what you’ve got. It’s important to notice this moment, if it arrives. Because there is a real peace in that tender self-acceptance. And, ironically, it may ignite the most profound change of all.”

This really resonates at this point in time.  I am taking a break from therapy.  I didn't see this happening, it just dawned on me after a few intense years.  I have been on a mission to heal myself for such a very long time. And prior to the pandemic until about February of this year, I engaged in Internal Family Systems therapy with my long time therapist.  I dug up some of my most intense past experiences, some from childhood, which I had no idea were residing in me and began the process of learning how to soothe myself and those parts.  It was intense, eye opening, exhausting and healing work.  I could be affected for a day or longer.  I have processed so much sadness, anger, and hurt.  

It's not an easy path.

 

It's slow growth.

But I am thrilled that I am still on it.  Every small awareness leads to others down the road. 

The Psalm verse states, "Be still and know that I am God..."  

This is that practice.

Taking a break from actively drawing out pain bodies seems to be my path right now.  I am listening to myself and this is an act of nurturance.  That is a key to my journey now.  Learning to be kind to myself, and determining what is the most loving thing I can do for me. 

"You should love your neighbor as you love yourself..."

I have loathed myself for a large portion of my life.  The thoughts in my head are so cruel.  I see how this verse, really really applies to human nature and to me.  The more we nurture ourself, the more love for others just naturally springs forth. I have felt that so many times and stand in sheer amazement.

Being a human in this world means that every day something is going to come along to process and now I'm practicing what I have learned over the years.  This break from therapy, means process life as it is. So many times during the day, my stomach turns with anxiety.  The goal is to welcome that anxiety and not run from it, not numb it and lovingly BE with it. This takes a lot of practice.  Something that helps is meditation and bit by bit, I am practicing that too.  

One key act of nurturance towards myself is slowing down my yoga practice.  Instead of more intense power yoga, I unconsciously sought out restorative yoga.  I found Nidra Yoga.  And over the course of attending a particular class, the teacher made adjustments and it became more restorative.  For half of the class, we are in savasana listening to the teacher guide us through a loving meditation. During one of the first sessions, as the teacher kindly, lovingly spoke to us and our worth, tears flowed and I knew, finally understood, oh, THIS is what is meant by nurturing myself. This is being kind to myself. Pushing myself to do the intense yoga and hold poses, hurting myself to keep up, is not. 

Being, and taking care of the parts of myself that needed unconditional love in the past is my path forward.  This is reparenting myself:  listening to my divine intuition, paying attention to new awarenesses and recognizing the flow of love inside and outside. 

Namaste.