Yoga in the Mirror

I think I have taken yoga out of the "diet mentality" zone.

A few months ago in therapy, we talked about exercise and how sometimes at the same time as breaking free from the diet mentality, people will give up exercise.  For me it had been placed in the "supposed to" category.  Not good.  When you take diet mentality to the extreme I did and it becomes a way of life to restrict, fail, binge, and mentally deride yourself into shame over and over again, it makes sense.  I struggled with exercise in the same way as food.  In the same way that I knew I should be dieting, I knew I should be exercising because it's good for you.     Yet the instruction from my therapist was to move in actions and ways that feel good.  The directive was to find joy in movement.

I have been feeling a little more called to the mat lately.  I have been going to yoga because my body was calling me too!   I started by just getting on the floor at home and holding positions.  I worked up to a 15 minute DVD at home on occasion but this is the ugly process, I would deride myself and think,  "It's just 15 minutes, that's nothing, you should be doing more."

It takes a long time to stop that voice.  

When I do go to yoga, there are mirrors at the Y in the exercise room.  (I think yoga classes should not have mirrors but this is gym and not a yoga studio. )  As I have been contorted in positions instead of standing up straight, I see flesh in my middle area that I would not rather see and was actually shocked by my appearance in the beginning.  I work very hard to find clothes that do not cling to my body.  I think I have some form of body dysmorphia because the image in the mirror does not match with what I feel or think in my head.  I have been looking at this mirror at this Y in this way for a couple of years.  On Friday, I looked in the mirror and felt disappointed.  I thought I really need to shake this up.  I closed my eyes and FELT MY BODY.  I thought to myself, this exertion feels SO good. I feel the strength of my arms as it holds up my body.  As I confidently and smoothly flowed from pose to pose, I thought this feels good.  (Well, smoothly on most of the poses!) And then I opened my eyes again and thought this body with it's extra flesh IS DOING THIS.

This was just a moment but it was a beginning.  I need to consciously repeat this thought process.

I am beginning to understand how much work my body does for me but all I do is criticize it for it's appearance and compare it to others.

I think in that one moment of appreciation, I was practicing body self acceptance.  I hope to build on that.

Do You Sit Cross Legged During The Week?

I watched Deepak Chopra on Super Soul Sunday.  I have so many ahas from watching that particular show.  It is simply splendid.  The topic was meditation. Now this is the deal,  I don't sit cross legged and specifically meditate for a period of time each day. Yet  I have thought a few times over the last few years, I've got that covered.  I'm not going to worry that I'm lacking in this area.  

I just had intuition...

This was some of Deepak and Oprah's discussion:  

Meditation is in every spiritual tradition: “Be still and no that I am”

Centering Prayer - is in Christianity - especially with the Benedictine Monks (We have had classes at my Methodist church!)

There are breathing meditations, body awareness meditations, variations of mantra meditations.  (I'm learning that so much is about what we hold in the body - the body which we ignore!)

What is meditation: a "Simple Mental technique to go to the source of thought"  
Also Dr. Chopra said that prayer is us speaking to God, meditation is allowing the Spirit to speak to us - yet it speaks in silence and manifests in intuition, inspiration.    (In spirit,-enthusiasm.)  

Oh my, I get this!  Being in that place when you are open to God coming through - is when you listen to intuition, are creative, see beauty and so many other open hearted actions.

And then the kicker.  Oprah brings up Eckhart Tolle and living in the present moment.   Deepak says being ”In present Moment” which is Mindfulness - has same affect as meditation!!    The consequences of living mindfully are make conscious choices, and changing your life.  

It is simply amazing to have thoughts in your head, and then without warning, an author or an expert, says exactly what your thoughts have been and there is confirmation of a belief.  I wanted to jump up and down and do the happy dance.

A funny side note:  Running into people and they ask what I have been up to.  I am speechless to say what my mission has truly been.  Can I say that I have made it my mission to know myself, to be more spiritual.  How do you describe the above fantastic life lesson without sounding like a loon.  The seed is now planted to answer it truthfully.


Recently a new friend used the words "new ageish"  and I remembered that I haven't thought those words in a long time.  I guess that means I have crossed to the other side!  {grin}  

"You don't know you are there, until you are there"

Saint or Sinner?

On an episode of Super Soul Sunday, Oprah interviewed Iyanla Van Zant.  She acts as a healer yet with a completely different style than I was taught in graduate school.  She is actually a trained lawyer and not a therapist.  She calls and "thing" a "thing" and is quite enthralling but in my day the client would have run away, but this is TV.   I loved this physical demonstration of giving things over to God. It struck such a chord in me.  This first picture is how most people feel when they are told to give it all up to God.  This is a position of fear and shame.  You are a sinner, and you must do better.

This photo represents as it should be. "I give myself over to you God, take me I am yours, I greet you with excitement and LOVE!"

Wow, what an amazing difference.

With baby steps, I am turning towards this welcoming pose of God.  Baggage is being removed slowly and surely as I see and feel the light, and the love. And the shame is receding.

Recently in a book study with our new pastor at my church, the chapter suggests that instead of calling ourselves sinners, we should follow the mantra, "I am a Saint."  There were some who spoke up immediately and were tripped up because they do not want to give up the sin label.  I fully embraced the notion of being a saint at first.  I was enthralled by it so much that I sent a long email to the pastor which I would never have done in the past.  But a few days into the week, that way of thinking fell to the wayside.  I forgot.

It takes a long time to rewire the thinking process.  I see it happening bit by bit and I celebrate when it happens.  There was a great quote that said "You don't know you are there until you ARE there."  One day I will feel more like a saint than a sinner and on that day I will call it a "thing" because it will feel monumental.

I think I will post a note on my dashboard and mirror to remind myself of my sainthood daily.  I think it will help to have that in my face reminder.  We will see.

Nurturance and Christmas...

On the first weekend of December this is how it went down: Friday night holiday open house, Saturday Morning Breakfast with Santa, Saturday night Sunday School Christmas Party, Sunday morning Advent lesson with meaningful meditation, Sunday night Monthly Covenant Group, Book Study Group AND delightful Hanging of the Greens service with Children's singing.

Yes, the Christmas season has started off with a bang.  I cannot keep this pace up.  I wanted to do each and every function yet I was exhausted.  During the whole weekend, I kept thinking I can't do this.  I can't keep up.  But if I tell myself this, my mind will struggle and work against me the whole time.   This much I have learned.  What you tell yourself, you believe.

So Saturday, when I started raising my voice with Mallory, I knew it was time to cocoon, and I did. I took to the bed and rested.  And still hanging over all of social time was: laundry, present buying, travel arrangements, and Christmas cards that are sitting in boxes.

As we were leaving church Sunday morning, I had a headache brewing, my throat hurt and again, I knew I needed to rest before the evening's functions, which I did.  That rest was going to keep me sane.

This was and is taking care of myself.    And then... George came in to complain about a task,  I didn't "complete."  In that moment,

I

DID

NOT

CARE

and I expressed that vehemently.

Now, any number of gurus whom I have learned brilliant ideas from would say, "Do you want to engage in this disagreement in this moment?"  Perhaps George was saying his truth which I turned in my exhausted state into my faulty thought processes which are:  I'm not good enough and I can't keep up and doesn't everyone else handle this better than I do?  

With my new thought processing, what I could have done was lean back,  listen and acknowledge because what he was complaining about was something I agreed with but it was not going to happen in his time frame.

What I really really wanted and needed was some empathy and understanding.  What I heard was criticism and judgement.  As I come to know myself and have greater awareness is what I have missed most is nurturance.  My biggest lesson is that I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO MYSELF.  No one else can do it for me.  There are persons who are evolved and in that place themselves to give of themselves, but I don't know any of those people.  Ha Ha!!  AND importantly,  I would have to ask for it in clear language.

So today as I clean up the house, do laundry, work on the multitude of Christmas tasks, I have taken the time to sit down to write because I have missed it.  My last blog was November 18th - way too long ago. Writing is nurturing for me, and being creative energizes me.

So what have I learned?  Will I lean back and acknowledge the next time I am given critique?   I don't know.  I don't have to be perfect all the time, yet now there is the option to consider acknowledging what is being said and then asking for what I truly need in that moment as well.  And if it can't be given, I can still give it to myself.

Communication is so critical to relationships.  Yet it is so fundamentally hard to do with the right timing, tact and tone.  I am willing to try though.

May you be able to nurture yourself in whatever manner restores your soul during this hectic time of the holidays.

Namaste!

GaGa's Butterflies

Caterpillar eating the milkweed bush we planted in honor of GaGa on what would have been her 80th birthday.

Look closely-amazing gold enhanced chrysalis!! 

Empty Chrysalis

I watched this particular monarch butterfly flit around the yard repeatedly.  I stood still and it danced around me!  I was waiting for it to light on me!

It has been 8 months since GaGa died.  I did not realize this until the Day Of Remembrance for the Saints of our church.  They read the names of the deceased and carried a banner with names and bells on it.  I cried and knew that it was okay to cry.  I cried a second time and thought okay, that was it, no more crying.  Then we sang the last hymn and what did it talk about...cocoons and butterflies, come on.

The third cry was the charm.

What would your obituary say?

I read the recent obituary of a woman who also happened to be a counselor.  There was a line that said she was a lover of God, nature, books and people.

All I could was think how would people describe me?

Whoa.  Food for thought.

Do I live in a manner that says I love God?  Or nature or books or people because all of those happen to be on my list as well.  Do I reflect how much I love my husband and daughters?   My other loves are the arts: music, movies, and theatre.  I love connecting with people.  I love the fact that I can now embrace crying, laughing and vulnerability whole-heartedly!!  I love writing this blog.  I love every hard earned aha that comes my way.



I have come to understand over the last four years how I have lived in a manner for 40 years that reflected how very fearful of life that I was.  My forties started a trek of learning what LOVE is.  It takes time to build those new proteins up in the brain though.   I do hope to progressively demonstrate God's love to those around me.   I know I spent a long time having loving thoughts in my head that never came out because I didn't know how.
I'm glad I read this particular obituary.  It was a wake up call.

Law of Attraction...

I am beginning to understand this.  When I give just a little opening for possibilities instead of negativity, I see what blossoms!