Update on the Eye Glass Situation

A Follow up: There will be no chain for my eyeglasses...JS

Riley and I looked at some at a department store.
Can't do it.


Namaste.

I Had to Let The Dust Settle Before I Hit the Publish Button (It's About the Duggars)

I wrote a very long post about the Duggars weeks ago but never published.

It was restrained anger with love.  (Yeah, it was mostly anger.) And I used a refrain of "Praying the Gay Away" with "Praying the Molestation Away."  It was very clever if I do say so myself.

As an LGBT supporter AND Christian, I don't agree with the Duggars' politics, religion and let's not touch the hypocrisy of Michelle Duggar's robocall and any of Josh's words... condemning anybody.

After I had written my blog, I read a very loving and sensitive blog and the author's point was really, really good, but on a comment in response, I went off in a restrained fashion letting loose on how this news pushed every one of my core buttons.  The author's  loving way to address the situation had stopped me in my tracks though and I did not hit publish on my blog.

The Duggar situation hit way too close to home for me.

Between the fundamentalism, and anti-LGBT, that's enough to start.  The facts that the kids have no room to be who they really are,  because the family appears to have all the makings of a cult...allegedly.  Those parents produce children and they are expected to believe exactly as Jim Bob and Michelle.

So you can see where the veiled rant went.

But the most important point here is that me judging them, has my energy focused on the negative.   And I was judging.  I found I had to walk away and not read any more Twitter, watch any more CNN, nor finish the second Megan Kelly interview because it stirred me up and I became obsessive.  This was not positive nor a forward move nor loving.

And the bottom line is I want to put more love out in the world, not judgement, not hate.

I had to let it go.

Though I was very, very interested in the behavioral phenomenon of people, (politicians, preachers)  who come out and preach against something fervently, and yet they actually have the thing that they are preaching against going on within themselves (or their family!)  This is the phenomenon I wanted to know about and hear about.   I think it's called projection.

So here is my new blog about The Duggars.

Jim Bob and Michelle are doing the best job they can.  They love their children.  They love God, I love God and yet we have different rules.  I'm glad I'm not one of their children.   I really, really hope Josh Duggar has not relapsed and molested anyone else.  Molestation is really, really hard to address behaviorally and for the impulse to diminish.  More than likely, Josh was most likely molested himself.  And I'm glad that my family is not on television.

There, that wasn't so bad was it?  It still wasn't as loving as the other blog but it's more than what I wrote the first time.

Namaste.

Listen To Your Intuition Even If You Disappoint Someone Who Came Out Of Your Body

I volunteered to participate in VBS… again.  It's about 10-12 years now.

I didn't want to.   My overriding predominant feeling that was really, really clear to me was that I was done volunteering for VBS.   And it has taken me years to listen to that intuition.  I have written about this topic of VBS before.  There was only one person, maybe two, in my family who wanted me too.

 My eldest daughter said something to the tune of me destroying her life and "you have always volunteered."

I shouldn't do things because other people want me too.  Even the people who came out of my own body.

The dread set in last week.  I have pushed it out of my head all summer but it is upon us.  It starts tomorrow.

DREAD.

This is the opposite of being passionate.

One needs to follow their passion to be fulfilled.

I will put my game face on and do this thing but I'm so biding my time and waiting for this week to be over.  That is now how to live.  I know better than this.  Why do something when you just dread doing it?  There are many other things in life that are necessary that I may not look forward to and need to do. This is not one of them anymore.

Deep Breathing.

I will follow my intuition the next time.

It's Time for Another Thing: Burn Baby Burn

These are all of the medical papers from the journey it took for George and I to get pregnant.

Here they all are: Invoices, Claims, Denied Claims and Explanation of Benefits, from the gynecologist, the reproductive endocrinologist's office, the lab, two hospitals and our insurance provider. And then the prescription papers…

I had them all in a green file folder box neatly ordered with tabs. It was the most organized I've ever been in my life. And I've never been that organized again.  I wanted to be a mother so badly.  

This was a very ugly, hard time for me.  

I've decided it's time to let the papers go.

Twelve years in the making.

The girls and I had a ceremonial burn, while swimming in the pool.  (Mothers are always multi-tasking.) Riley really enjoyed adding each paper in.  There was a symbolism there.  The child that was so hard to conceive was helping me let go of my infertile past.

Mallory helped us flame the fire too but her thoughts turned to smores. We had enough graham crackers for one smore and Brinkley was even able to get in on it.

The papers burned, the ashes piled up.  George asked how it felt.  I really didn't feel that much except the heat of the fire.  I had been holding on to this papers for so long but they really didn't mean anything to me anymore.

How much more am I carrying around that is weighing me down that needs to be burned off?

How much more "stuff" is lying around that needs to be let go of?  I'm so excited to address this issue.   I am delighted to begin working through small areas of my house, one by one.  Who knew I would ever get so excited about cleaning.

The fertility papers are gone and it's time to move on
to whatever else is dragging me down.

Will it somehow lead to more chocolate for Mallory?

Will Brinkley end up getting a bite?

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

Inside Out

I saw Inside Out yesterday afternoon with my girls.  I had really been looking forward to it as the movie is about emotions.   Yes, emotions! The characters names are emotions!! Really.   How much more could this appeal to me?  The central character was an eleven year old named Riley.  

Seriously! 

 I laughed, and I felt like I had to cry but couldn't.  I still feel blocked up about that.  I have been studying emotions for the better part of my entire life.  I've always been an observer.  Getting a Masters' degree in Counseling was just the beginning of my formal training.  I'm sure that it began earlier than that, in childhood.  Now, the last 7-8 years I've really been concentrating by using therapy, life occurrences and a passion to understand feelings.  Infertility and postpartum depression blew me away.   I felt so lost and alone.   Therapy helped me to begin to understand what was going on and to heal. 

Along the way, these are the issues that I have delved into head first:  dieting and exercise, eating disorders, compulsions, codependency, spirituality, religion, The Twelve Steps, mindfulness, perfectionism, self-esteem, forgiveness, acceptance, dying, and grief.  One has led into another and my life has opened up beyond measure.

But yet still I hide.  I feel like I hide. 

There are so many thoughts I have and I have spent so much time studying and learning, yet still I think I don't know enough.  I will always be a life long student but I do know some things.  I don't give myself enough credit.  

I am still afraid to tell what I really believe.  

I think one of the reasons that I do, is because I still label myself overweight in my head.  Because I have not attained perfection in my body size that discounts all of the thoughts in my head, my life experience, and the intensive study I have undertaken. 

So I still have low self esteem.  {chuckling}

I don't know what it is. But I feel like breaking out of this.   This coming school year I have less on my plate - less volunteering with things I felt I had to do.  There will still be volunteering just in another capacity - with less planning on my end.  I am currently feeling passionate about the following things: getting my house in order (clearing the way for a cleaner vision), practicing yoga, and planning time with my friends.  

Oh, and running a household and raising two daughters.  One being a teenager very, very soon.

I just can't sit around and wait for the phone to ring.  I have to get off my tuckus and initiate things myself.  

Here goes.

Namaste.

Random Thoughts from an 11 Day Driving Vacation to the Great Southwest

(And it's only Day 6 people…)

Traveling from LA through the massive state of TX, NM, AZ and UT with tiny, tiny bits of OK and CO

*It is very, very strange not to sweat when it's 100 degrees outside and you are walking in the heat with the sun glaring down.  As my husband says about living in South Louisiana, he sweats when he just thinks about walking outside when it's summer.  We are moist ALL the time.  Not just our bodies but also the frequent afternoon rain showers.

*My husband is a doer - go go go. There is a reason he made it through medical school and five years of a surgical residency which is one of the most demanding specialties.  He seems to like going and doing all the time.   Yet his wife and his two tween daughters do not want to go to EVERY stop in the 28 mile driving tour of the Petrified Forest/Painted Desert in 100 degree temperatures at 2:00pm when we haven't had lunch and I'm worried that we are running out of water and I'm not sweating.  And it's dry, dry, dry and hot. Our desire to see that last petrified log even though it is 6 feet in diameter and possibly a million years old dissipated an hour and a half ago. That became a boundary for me and I have to get over disappointing him.  It's hard to disappoint a loved one.  There are many books written on that one.

*I am a few short months from having a full fledged teenager in the house.  This summer she has done something this early rising family has never seen the likes of.  She sleeps until 10am or later!  Making her wake up at 5:30am to hike into the Grand Canyon, does not go over well even when she knew it was going to happen.  I expected complaining for at least an hour after she woke up.  My husband did not.  Which takes me to my next point...

*Vacations do not go smoothly all the time.  There are ugly moments or hours.  This is to be expected.  Vacations were not the norm when I was younger as my parents were not traveling people.  So, I had this idealized concept of vacations. They were wonderful and beautiful and fantastical all the time.

Not…

*My skin is very dry now.  My hands are scaly white.  I need to put more lotion on than I normally do which is excessive.

*I'm not a backpack girl.  I tried to start using a hiking one and I failed.  The first casualty was my reading sunglasses.  Too many compartments…  I am a purse girl.

*My family now knows just how obsessed I am with keeping our phones, iPad,  and laptops charged.  I admit I do not like my devices to run low at all.  Forty nine percent power begins to put me on edge.  Below thirty is just plan dangerous.  Below that is playing with FIRE!  I don't now why this is?  I think it goes back to being in hurricanes and tropical storms and losing power.  It is who I am.

*Letting go of wearing makeup and "fixing" my hair is so utterly freeing.

*The State of Arizona does not participate in Daylight Savings Time.  Confused, much? It sounds like everybody gets confused. Our bodies and devices were.  A few nights we were out cold by 8:30 pm.

*I learned a lot about the symbols for cell coverage on my phone.  E is not good.  It hangs up on the person you are talking to.

*We do not have unlimited data on our phones and iPads.  We ran out of data at least four times with 52 notifications that we were doing so on each of the devices it is used on and we would be paying another $15 for a GB of data and we burned through that.

*I am now back home.  Vacations are wonderful with the good, bad and ugly of it all.  We saw some spectacular sights and now, I am happy to be home once again.  And to say the least, Riley is happy to be back home.  She never, ever wanted to leave. She smiled once or twice while we were gone, but mostly to take pictures.

Namaste.

This Is Life

This is my Living Room.  All of Riley's bedroom furniture has been moved in there to accommodate painting her room.  It is a mess. The Living Room is my dedicated pretty room.  No one really goes in there so it stays neat. The furniture is clean, free of pet hair for the most part and the one room, I can walk through and think, ah, I don't have anything I have to do in here.

Riley has been waiting very patiently for us to start painting.  We picked the color months ago.  So those test spots have been there for months.  George told her weeks ago, that the Fourth of July would be THE weekend to paint.

So she and George went to a store and got the paint.  Moved everything out, taped, and covered the carpet.  And on July 4th, opened the paint can, stirred and it's the wrong color.  The store was closed for the entire weekend.  So although all engines were full steam ahead, now the process is shut down and we must sit and wait.

And my pretty room will stay an utter mess until this is completed.

I walked through the room and thought isn't this what life is all about! 

There is an obstacle whether it be a person, a situation or as I have come to learn, my own thought processes that stand in my way and they are not going anywhere until I learn to accept them for who or what they are.  The situation is not going to change and I'm going to have to LIVE WITH IT.

The big monstrosity will stay there until I accept it.  I have learned to walk away from certain people and situations and learn to live with some others through acceptance and it's a process. The very first step is awareness.  And then there's anger, denial, frustration, fear, sadness, grief,  etc.  This is not the way I wanted it to be AT ALL.   Yet slowly over time with attention and loving attention, the way you think about the monster will change. Living with what is uncomfortable will not be as uncomfortable as it used to be.  The pain will reside and acceptance seeps in.

We are bringing the paint back to get it corrected today.  And we will start the process over.

Namaste.