Tuesday, March 3, 2009
This is going deep again. I keep having small epiphanies as I come to terms with food, weight and lastly, self-acceptance. I think self-acceptance is the key to this struggle with food and eating. Early on in my work with the nutritionist, I knew it was a profound moment when I couldn’t say that I loved myself as I was. I don’t love the extra weight that I have gained as part of the process. It just feels wrong on my body. I was ashamed when I couldn’t say it and I knew this was going to be a big roadblock, but the weight isn't the problem it is the side effect.
It just takes time, slow, painful time to gain these perspectives. It took years to get to this position and it’s going to take some time to change my way of thinking and address the issues that are uncomfortable enough for me to avoid feeling that result in me eating. Last week it hit me that perhaps I'm at this weight, so I can now really appreciate the weight I was at before. My body is meant to be at 1%& pounds and that's okay.
I’m at my highest weight ever, except for being pregnant. It makes me extremely sad and shameful. Shame, that word pops up again. Yet, I am accepting myself more and more. I have learned a lot about myself through therapy, reading different books, and most recently the Enneagram personality inventory, etc. and I’m learning to accept the parts of myself, my personality that I don’t find as appealing but are me. I'm not like everybody else, whoever that is. That is a huge hurdle to pass through. Also, I tend to focus on the negative. Women tend to do that a lot. Although I am at an undesirable weight, that isn't everything that life is made of.
I think a large issue of mine is STILL adjusting to being out of the work world and in the stay at home, and taking care of my beautiful charges world. I love them in a massively powerful way and am grateful that I can be here with them, yet I miss accomplishing things in an adult world, having adults to interact with and finishing tasks unrelated to our home.
I think one of my hindrances is that as a stay at home mom, I take care of my children extremely well and I thought I was taking care of myself, but I really had gotten lost in the shuffle. Young children can be oh so demanding and take up all of one’s time. I am learning to let them be more independent (and is easier the older they get) and then I get some needed ME time. My oldest daughter and I are extremely close, and she is what you would call a momma’s girl. I hadn't realized to what extent we were joined at the hip, in perhaps an unhealthy way. In the last 2 months, I have been able to get away by myself for 2 nights on two different occasions, and in previous years, I would have never felt like I could do this. We learned together that she can manage with her father on her own. Before this most recent time, I felt so weighted down in motherly obligation that I could never do anything without my children. My husband works extremely hard and has had extremely long hours and the children are my complete responsibility. It was a noose around my neck. I have learned the lesson that when I do things for myself, get away or take up a new hobby that takes time away from them, that I become a better mother, more relaxed and able to handle the demands. I just have to find the right persons to care for my children and ask for this time.
And the kicker is, if I can love myself at this weight, the possibilities are endless. I am sad about my weight but not ready to throw in the towel, not at all. I am going to succeed, one day at a time, one epiphany at a time.