Thursday, June 11, 2015

Deep Stuff That You May or May Not Be Interested In, But Rocks My World

"If you respect your own emotions and regard them with affection and a lack of judgment, and if you persist in allowing yourself to feel those emotions and to let them move ever deeper, you shall find that the gift begins to bear fruit as you feel yourself becoming more spacious within, more responsive to the deeper emotions. You will find that you are an alchemist turning disharmony into harmony, fear into love, darkness into light. It is a natural process and it begins with the disharmony, with the darkness. Such are the ways of spirit.
And that is why we say that things are perfect at all times, although they may be uncomfortable. Do not cringe away from your suffering, but rather cradle yourself as you endure through the natural process of the alchemy of the transforming energy, of the love in your open heart."

From "The Law of One" Books.
Never heard of them but this was a quote I saw and 

From someone who is learning to process every feeling that comes my way - this is so absolutely true.  From fear to love.  From the unbearableness and freaking uncomfortableness of it all to open heart. From dark to light. 


Monday, June 8, 2015

It seems, it's time…and what is cool anyway?

I have been wearing readers for a couple of years now. And the necessity of them has increased over those years.  Everything is blurry now, even my food. (sad face) I had to make the move to sunglasses with readers as well. And how many times do I try to see my iPhone while outside?  All the freakin' time!!   I guess if I gave up Facebook that would help.  But I still need to see to take picture and read texts, and email and see maps.  Everything on that tiny little phone screen.  I cannot zoom in any larger and see only three words per screen.

Going from indoors to outdoors all the time especially when traveling which we just did, I had to switch back and forth between my eyeglasses ($$$$) and my sunglasses ($$).  It's a constant joy to keep up with both pairs.   Sometimes I have the sunglasses in my hair with the glasses on my eyes.  Most times I end up with the eyeglasses stuck in the top of my shirt.  This is very dangerous activity.  I lost my first pair of prescription readers doing so but thankfully I had owned them for a few years and they were pretty scratched up at the time or at least that's what I told myself.

But where do I put them??

And then it hit me. It's time.

It's disturbing but I don't think I care anymore about my image…

I may have to get…

A chain.

This is what I picture from back in the day.  An older lady with grey hair and an eye glass chain? cord? I don't even know what you call it.  And it looks like she has a bun.  I wear my hair twisted on top of my head too… {look of cringe}

But these days - this is what the ad looks like.

I'm going to start a trend.

If you act like it's cool.  It will be.

And what is cool anyway?  My forties have been reinventing what cool is anyway.  Cool is what makes me happy.  Cool is what puts me at peace.

Because the forties are about not worrying what other people think.

Though some things are so deeply ingrained.  In my own thought processes, trying not to factor in other people, buying a cord for my glasses is ancient.  Really, really ancient.

But if my stomach is not turning over in nervousness at the things I do, there is no growth.  I'm just so tired of keeping up with the glasses.  And I don't want to lose any more glasses.

It's time.


And then there's this little nugget.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Why Does Crying Get Such A Bad Rap?

I had a big ugly cry yesterday morning, actually several of them, and it is uncomfortable for me to let that much emotion flow through. It's getting easier as I am learning to not stuff my emotions. The catalyst was bringing Mallory, my beloved nine year old muse, to the chartered bus to ride 7 hours away to her first overnight camp for 6 nights. I have never doubted she will have a blast when she decided she wanted to go and I put it out my mind.  BUT IT CAME BACK.

I was a little taken aback when the uncomfortableness popped up two days before we were to bring her to catch the bus on Sunday morning.  The night before I had an intuition that I might need to stay at home from church and let George and Riley go on their own.  But I got dressed to go and read the chapter I needed to read for my class and off we went.  But after hugging that precious girl (who had told me she was nervouscited herself) and watching her walk off and get on the big chartered bus, I lost it.

I had big sunglasses on but the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I tired to wipe them away so no one would see them.

In hindsight, I really, really needed that release.  We drove off to church in silence except that I explained that I would come back and pick them up.

The funky thing is trying to hide the emotion from those other parents in the parking lot or in my own car.   I did tell George and Riley that I needed to grieve her and some other things.   I NEEDED to let this out.  I really, really needed this release.

Sometimes the catalyst that tips you over really isn't the entire reason why the tears come.  And I don't need to analyze why, I just need to let it flow.  Be kind to myself and embrace the tears or whatever emotion it is.  No judging that I'm a wussy, or that I'm crazy, or that I feel too much.

 How many times have I heard someone say in real life or on tv, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry?")

Why does crying get such a bad rap?

I cried off and on all morning.  And I still have to tell myself it's okay to do so when I don't see others doing the same thing.  In the back of my mind,  I still judge myself a little for not keeping it together.  My husband is not going to feel the same as I do.  The other moms are not going to feel exactly as I do.  {codependency no more!} Learning to own my own story and allowing that story to be just as it is, has been a big hurdle.

While the tears were flowing, I know I was also grieving other things.  My engagement ring is missing (appears to be stolen) and my Dad's estate is being settled and I've been involved with the legal paperwork.   Dad is reaching from beyond his death to love in his own way.

I did have headaches in the afternoon and evening and this morning but that is O-K too.  It feels like such a relief to let all of that blocked energy flow.  I have low energy this morning and I need to nurture myself.  There is always something that needs to be done and I will do what I absolutely have to and then rest or wait to see what happens, I may be surprised.

I'm learning to roll with the flow whatever that is and be kind to myself while this is happening.