Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Do I Deserve An Inground Swimming Pool?

I have not written many posts this year.  Sad face. What's up with that? I miss it.
And Liz Gilbert said unused creativity is not benign.  Hmm.  I believe I do have the creativity in me, and I need to write down when the thoughts pop in my head because if I don't, they are now GONE!  I love, love, love to work out life writing this blog.

Today's missive revolves around the project that has been going on at my house for the last few months.  We decided to build an inground pool back in August.  The fact that we had an above ground pool for 5-6 years might have indicated that we would use one.  We only toyed with the idea of putting one in off and on over the years.

There was a small (destructive) voice inside of me that said, I was not worthy of a pool.

My view on December 27th, 2015

That same voice said we shouldn't buy a BMW or other "fancy" car.  I had a hard time buying our last vehicle which happened to be top of the line.  Something about a pool or expensive car says excess. Or is it that I'm not worthy?

It's interesting to pay attention to the thoughts around this.  And I have learned that I have for years told myself stories about my worthiness which were not true.  And I am cracking open those thoughts slowly but surely.  It's not easy work of course, but evolving never is.

But this time we went for the pool.  Refinanced and upped our mortgage a bit, and away we go.

First "spa" experience on 12/10/15
And after a few months of much mess and noise of digging, rebar, gunite, more concrete, plaster, banging, sawing, hammering, decking,  etc. the fantastic pool and roof area is finished.   The whole family (including reclusive teenager) swam on Christmas Eve! It was 75 degrees outside and we only had to heat the pool around 15 degrees.  And we swam again the day after Christmas and yesterday.  Although I have watched this process very intimately and worked with all of the different workers, I still can't believe we have a pool!!  I have looked at this site every day intimately and discussed issues with all of the workers of different specialties.  And I still can't believe we have a pool!  Being able to swim in it these last few days, and getting to know how it feels is phenomenal.

This is our backyard!

Mallory said it feels like a neighbor's yard and I concur.

And I'm going to enjoy every moment of it, including cleaning the blasted leaves out of the pool!


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

We Suffer and That's Okay

A friend posted this on FB and it struck me.  So here it is.

This is true everyday but especially for me now during Christmas - too much to do.

"The next time you catch yourself in a maelstrom of comparison, anger, self-doubt, worry, or judgment, take a breath and ask, 'What am I practicing?' Be gentle with what comes up (no judging yourself for being judgmental) and notice if in embracing your experience with tenderness, compassion has a chance to blossom. Know this: It’s impossible to practice love and patience all the time. That kind of every-second-of-every-day bliss was not built into us humans. We suffer, and that’s okay. And when we can be compassionate with ourselves when we’re practicing things other than love, our heart softens, our grip loosens, and suddenly we have a greater access to the love we were seeking all along." ~Jamie Greenwood

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Learning to Live with The Energy: Donald Trump, Susan Boyle and Christmas

Over the last 7-8 years, I have taught myself how to feel my feelings again.   The years during infertility and especially postpartum depression really affected me.  I cried so much during that period of time, it was exhausting and I recall the despair very easily. I did not want to go down that rabbit hole of darkness and despondency ever again.

When I showed up in therapy (to lose weight) (smile),  I didn't know that I had made an unconscious decision not to cry anymore.  I learned over the next few months and years, that wasn't a good move.  It was protective, but not healthy for my soul at all.  Most of our society runs from it's feelings and compulsively avoids them at all costs.  It runs the gamut:  alcohol, shopping, religion, sports, legal and illegal drugs, food, cleaning, hoarding, perfectionism of anything, and the latest one, electronic devices which are all used to avoid the energy that is part of life.

How many times have you heard that it is a bad thing to cry?  "I'm sorry I made you cry." "Please don't cry."

I am learning to make friends with that energy that comes my way naturally every day.  And make friends with all of it including the so called negative emotions of anxiety, grief, fear and sadness.  As well as the "positive" ones: joy, laughter, and fun.  It was most surprising to me that when you block feelings and stay numb, you block all of them even the "good" ones.

I have had to learn how to have fun, be playful again because having fun made me extremely uncomfortable too.


Life is full of despair.  It will come again.  That is guaranteed.  As does the joy.

In therapy, I lost my religion, gained a loving relationship with God and most importantly learned to let go of fear (what I was running from avoiding the feelings) and embrace LOVE.  Hence, the title of my blog.

It takes so much practice though.  And it's very uncomfortable in the beginning and at times, I still freeze up.

But life will give you practice.

Death, Sickness, Terrorism, Donald Trump for President.  (grin)

In decorating for Christmas, thoughts turn to my mother in law.  She loved Christmas especially knick knacks.  We went through more of her belongings this past weekend and let go of more Christmas knick knacks.  As we played holiday tunes on the way to school this morning, I had a thought that I should have held on to some of those knick knacks.

Yet, I hate knick knacks.

So as I was cleaning up, I felt myself in that most uncomfortable place of sadness sitting on my chest.  How do I let it flow?  Hmmm.  I had pulled out Christmas CD's the night before. What music will make me cry?

I put on Susan Boyle and listened to "Perfect Day" which did the trick.

"Oh, it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you"

The tears fell.  I felt like Ga Ga was with me.  And she was.

And the energy has passed for now.

Some more will come again.  That is life.


Tuesday, December 1, 2015

For Good

Mallory and I started watching Broadway at the White House, did I tape this?  How did it get on the DVR?  But it was there.  I must watch it.  I was just there at the White House.

I love theater.

And then this happened.

I love this song.

Compassion, Love and Forgiveness.

I always think of my mother in law when I listen to this song.  I went into the ugly cry.  Mallory patted me and said it was okay.

It's okay to cry and it's okay to miss someone and remember how they changed your life.