My dad has been in the hospital all week. The hospital has become very familiar now. I've got the parking routine down. I park in the outdoor free parking just to change things around from my usual parking garage routine. I'm getting so comfortable, I embarked on finding him and my mother where he was having a nuclear test in the bowels of the hospital. This would have given me great anxiety before. Speaking up, asking for directions, situations where I didn't know where I was going equalled high anxiety and freezing in my tracks. Now, I think to myself, "Every little thing is going to be alright."
Mindfulness is so freaking helpful under these circumstances. Dad's had a slow bleed for a week now and he has had numerous tests and procedures and the MD's think they find it and then the labs look bad again two days later. He is not a good candidate for surgery at all if the procedures need to be more invasive. Stress-ful. Yet mindfulness has changed my life in terms of anxiety and fear that come up in times like this.
Mindfulness really rocks! I have thoughts that pop in my head and I know - wow - I don't have to believe them. That is my old conditioning popping up. I can change those thoughts. And most of them are fear thoughts. (This is where all that love stuff changes every thing)
Before I headed to the hospital yesterday as I was dressing, I turned on the OWN channel. Eckhart Tolle is talking to Oprah about the third chapter of his book "A New Earth" which is entitled, 'The Core of Ego.' I "read" the book years ago in a class at church. It is was very appealing to me but dense yet I did begin to understand the concepts. Eckhart talks very slowly, dryly and unanimated. He doesn't draw me in but…
Ego has been a topic in my head the last few weeks. I've listened to Mary O'Malley talk about the monkey brain and how our thoughts will always lead us astray and those thoughts are the ego taking charge. The heart is where we need to focus, etc. And science is beginning to prove that. It seems when I am staying aware, I usually have a theme word or truth that stays with me for a week or two. Ego has been that word lately.
So I'm listening to Eckhart and Oprah talking from the other room and all of a sudden, I hear him say, "the ego means you are not aware of it, ego means unconscious."
Hello! Ding, ding, ding.
I nod my head in utter delight. Eckhart has my attention. I have been working to let go of the ego!! I have been working diligently on awareness and becoming conscious. Just hearing this simple definition. That is what the ego is? I've got that down. I am so on top of this one!!
Well, I want to watch the full episode but I've got to catch up on life. But as I am experiencing life, I will remember to stay aware and diligent of the thoughts that pop up. It's not always easy, so practice, practice, practice.