Being In The Present Moment

It's taken me a long time to really really understand, "Be in the Present Moment."   Around ten years ago, I tried to make my way through Eckhart Tolle's, "A New Earth" with a reading group at church.  I could barely read the book or listen to him in audio because it was dry and heady material but it laid a foundation. Eckhart talked a lot about the ego, the pain body, about Jesus and inherently "be still and knowing that I am..." 

All of that came with a level of difficulty that was beyond my pay grade at the time.  

When I am quiet and still with no distractions, stuff comes up.  And I am bombarded with distractions to avoid the painful emotions that make me jittery, anxious and avoidant to ever sit and be still again.  Over time,  I have practiced over and over that what comes up will not kill me especially if I don't identify AS the sadness, anxiety or grief.  It is energy that needs to flow through.  These are "just" my thoughts and not who I am. 

Now hearing Eckhart years later in video, I can take in his slow, dry manner, and abundant wisdom and if he chuckles, it is like I won an Olympic medal.  So very delightful. 

Just now, I was standing at the kitchen sink with dirty dishes piled all around from last night. I have always HATED washing dishes.  George can swiftly verify this fact.  My head is spinning because I'm trying to think of all the groceries needed in preparation for Thanksgiving week and the girls home from school.  I can look and see things that need to be done everywhere.  There's a pandemic raging.  Political strife is ever abundant.  My lower back aches as I have grown accustomed to in the last few years.  My blood pressure is elevated a little.  And I have a slight headache that I'm not sure what it's from. And yesterday, I discovered that neuroma is likely the name for the tingling I feel in my right foot between the third and fourth toes. 

Yet, amidst all of this, I have Frank Sinatra playing on Pandora, and I have a dish in my hand cleaning it with my yellow smiley face scrub and I have a few seconds of peace beyond all understanding.  

It's magical.  

It's mystery. 

Being In The Present Moment. 

Ego aside, pain aside, sadness aside, anxiety aside, all of it aside.  It makes room for a well of gratitude for life, for a loving divinity inside me and inside every human being and I'm connected with all of it. 

Give me more of this. 

I know it's about loving myself and others and breaking through all of the barriers to get there. 

Namaste. 

I Have Something in Common with Trump

I have something in common with DJT.  We both want to be zen. I heard a news report that he wanted to project zen after the two indictments and the guilty plea on Monday.  I was incredulous that this was the word used.  I have longed to be "zen" for a number of years and have wanted to write a blog for a few weeks now about the fact that I am not zen.  And bam, there it was, that word used in connection with Trump?!!

I am not zen by nature, and I really, really want to be calm, focused and not have my feathers ruffled. (i.e.. no anxiety!!)   But I'm just not.  Donald wants to project this as well, or at least he did three days ago.  Mr. twitter "every thought and feeling with no filter" wants to appear calm.  Maybe somewhere deep in his consciousness, he wants to rise above but it seems in this instance it is more about brand management. I'm not sure with his obvious Narcissistic Personality disorder(s) that he could rise above.  He would have to acknowledge and have awareness to begin.

It just hit me, what is zen?  What does it really mean, what is the definition?  My Google search definition said this:

1. zen: a Japanese school of Mahayana Buddhism emphasizing the value of meditation and intuition.

   
   

   Wait, I am all about intuition!!! (Intuition is listening to the most undervalued part of the Trinity: the Holy Spirit) 

   
   

   Another definition from Zen.buddhism.net: Zen meditation, is a way of vigilance and self-discovery which is practiced while sitting on a meditation cushion. It is the experience of living from moment to moment, in the here and now. 

   
   

   Are you kidding me??  

   
   

   Oh my gosh, I do practice zen!! The key word being practice.  Years ago, the first book that I read of this nature at church was Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth."  Tolle's premise is about living in the here and now. I had no idea what he was talking about when I started, but it was about being in the present moment: not dwelling in the past, nor the fear of the future.  In Psalms, it says "Be still and know that I am God."  What this means, is to stop fighting, surrender and be quiet in God's presence and to the Divine's ways.  Basically the all knowing, who is present everywhere, has got your back. (It may not look like what you want though) 

   
   

   The difficulty in that is learning to let go.  Ha ha!  That infamous letting go.  Why can't we let go?  When we sit still, what comes to us?   Big thoughts that don't stop, and scary feelings or energy as I have learned to call it. I have been diligently plunging into this notion in terms of addictions and compulsions.  This is why we are the most compulsed nation in the world.  The list is endless, we all know them:  Alcohol, drugs, food,  gambling, shopping, exercising, electronics, etc. etc.  Any behavior that helps us avoid our life right in front of us and numb out. Some of them are healthy actions but when it is taken to the extreme, that is avoidance and can interfere with relationships, and career, etc.

   
   

   And this work to be "in the moment" is the hardest of anything that I've embarked on.  For example, I am about to get on a plane by myself and fly to a large city and meet a few friends that I know intimately but yet, I've never met in person. (I've met a few of them)  I am claustrophobic as all get out.  Planes, elevators, and now root canal DO ME IN. The last time I flew in late July, I woke up to a panic attack about flying DAYS BEFORE we left.  My hands are shaking as I type because I have great fear of enclosed spaces.   And fear of going it alone.  But I'm doing it anyway.  

   
   

   Another example is when a study group of mine decided to meditate for 5 minutes after we listened to an audio.  I have not practiced meditation.  I have practiced mindfulness which is focusing on my thought patterns but not actually sitting still cross legged. My intuition told me to get up from where I was sitting because I was too close to the person whom I adore next to me.  I didn't listen it though and as soon as I closed my eyes, and we started, I felt panic.   I was claustrophobic and needed my own space. My anxiety rose but I stayed with it and the panic slowly dissipated.   And this is how I practice meditation.  Ha ha, it starts with anxiety about having anxiety. LOL!!  Good times!

   
   

   I am learning to be with these energy and I have learned that it is okay, to take medication to fly, but I want to embrace new practices to calm myself.   

   
   

   I have to trust the Divine One and let go.  I have to practice staying in my body. Breath is the key to staying with the body.  Breathing and using all of my lung capacity.  Focus my wayward thoughts on something else not scary.  I have downloaded...guided meditations to listen to.  The Hamilton soundtrack takes me away too! 

   
   

   Zen is the value of meditation and intuition.  

   
   

   Why I misunderstood what Zen was, is because I want SERENITY NOW especially right now!!!  But it's a practice and not a state of being.  I want it now, now, now.    

   
   

   It's not about being zen, it's about practicing zen.

   
   

   I have thought many times about the reason why DJT gets under my skin so very much and it's not just about his political ideology.  And I can learn from this.   I can clearly see what his personality is and what his motivation is and it is all about his ego.  He has very poor ego structure.  There is an AA saying, "If you spot it, you got it" and this applies here.   What I recognize in others so readily is actually one of my own issues.  It touches a nerve.  I don't believe Trump sits with his thoughts and feelings at all.  He acts on them when he shouldn't ALL THE TIME.  He says he can do everything and do it better than everybody. He is soothing his ego when he does this.  How I'm different in responding and soothing my ego, is that I have told myself I can't do anything.  We both have poor egos, we just project it differently. 

   
   

   Yet, I have been slowly and methodically proving myself wrong on this.

   
   

   I can do many things that I thought I couldn't or wouldn't ever try.

   
   

   Yet I have to sit and be still with the most uncomfortable energy to do so.  In this present moment of fear, I am having a hard time knowing what it will feel like after this wave passes, but there will be calm on the other side and the awareness of the Divine presence within.  This is what awareness and going within is all about.  When you catch that Divine flow, you want to stay forever but it just a glimpse that keeps you coming back and being still over and over.   

   
   

   Namaste

Can I Run From These Feelings Any Faster?

Earlier this morning, feelings were sitting on my chest.  Discomfort.

Aaaargggghhhhh.

 (If you've read any of my blogs this is my running THEME and I want to flee the discomfort as soon as I'm aware of it's presence - like a snake in my house type of fleeing)

Feelings are just energy.  They are a normal part of life.  It has been a continual process for me to learn how to cope when the discomfort arises.  I know, I truly know in my head,  I need to be curious and welcoming to the energy and not fight it, and the energy will flow. It can be a day, or a few hours, or just minutes.  And if it's a major life upheaval, it shows up repeatedly for a period of time.

I spent the past few years, intimately learning to let the feelings flow.  More than thirteen years ago, I shut down my feelings after a terrible bout of postpartum depression.   The PPD started a few months before childbirth and ran for the entire year after. It was such a depth of sadness, pain and anxiety and I NEVER wanted to go THERE again.   At times, I felt the struggle to live through each moment.  Along with the sadness, anxious thoughts never stopped in my head. I can visualize one particular Saturday morning with George and I could not make up my mind about going to Target for a shopping run.  It was an endless loop:  "Can I go?", "Will the baby get hungry?" "Will I need to breastfeed?"  "I really need to get out the house" "George can help" "This is the only day he can help" "I can't go, it's too much" and then it started over. And all of the questions repeated endlesssly.  It was utterly draining.

God bless George.  I didn't tell him everything.  It was a very isolating and lonely existence.  It was the loneliest I had ever felt in my life.

So I unconsciously stopped feeling.  And that's not good either.  You can't just stop the so-called negative emotions, you also stop the pleasurable ones as well.  I have had to learn how to have fun again.  And that seems cra cra, but oh so true.

What I'm awakening to, is that what comes with those feelings are thoughts. Now that I'm not so scared of the feelings, I'm seeing that thoughts go through my head SIMULTANEOUSLY with the flow of emotions.  Those thoughts tell me something is wrong with me.

What comes first, the thought or the feeling?  The chicken or the egg? It doesn't matter, I have some rewiring to do.  I just saw things more clearly this morning.

I got a little more curious because I knew the sadness would flow.  And that's when I caught my thoughts going into a rabbit hole.

The thoughts are part of a story I tell myself that is also on loop.  We all have stories about ourselves whether they are true or not.  That voice in my head says I am not enough. Unless one has graduated from Mindfulness - at an Eckhart Tolle level, the thoughts are there.   The work I have to do is to rewrite the story that I tell myself.  I have to question the thoughts that pop up in my head and ask, is this true?  If this person does not accept me, does that mean I'm not worthy?  If my dress size is considered plus size, am I worthy?  Even though my house is not neat and I lose my patience with my kids or my husband, am I worthy?  The questions are endless and oh so personal for each one of us.   Career, job, material things, health, accepting anyone in our life for who they are, spiritual journey, on and on.  If we think we are not worthy, until this, whatever THIS is, occurs, we tell ourselves that we are not enough.

I know I am worthy, as each person who is alive is worthy.

I know deep down, I am love at my core. I know also that I have a faulty loop.  So I shall work on questioning and rewiring.  And eventually I will spend less time on this, and more time on loving.

Namaste.

Washing Dishes??

I enjoyed washing the dishes last night.

And the night before.

What has happened to me???   I have HATED washing dishes from the first time I was asked in the late 70's or early 80's.  Most nights, I will leave items in the sink that I can't put in the dishwasher until the next morning. I don't want to deal with it.

I find I never completely finish the project of cleaning the kitchen.  And my husband will attest to that. There are many activities that I don't finish but that is a topic for another day.

But for the last two nights, I noticed it was actually a calming activity.  (Could it be related to the fact that my youngest daughter had major meltdowns during homework on these 2 nights as well?!)  Time will tell.

I was alone in the kitchen, no distractions and I just focused on washing, and rinsing and stacking to dry. It was such a peaceful process.  I took time with each item until I was done.

I remember Oprah talking to Eckhart Tolle about being in the moment and that is just being with whatever you are doing, in that moment. They discussed walking up stairs and while doing so having no other thoughts about anything else.  It takes practice to do this.  No phone, no worrying about the future, no worrying about the present, no frustrations about the past.  Just thinking about each step as you climb.

This mindfulness "stuff" can really change your life.  I had gratitude for washing dishes.

Holy crap. : )

Namaste

It's Just Not Meant To Be

I am needing to grieve a relationship in my life.  It is just not meant to be the way I want it to be.  Again and again, this has been brought to my attention.  Did I say how many times over and over again?   It's so over and as the Maya Angelou saying goes: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  It's whipping me in the head for what feels like the thousandth time and I remain a punching bag.  I so deeply want a connection that I keep putting my heart on the line and it keeps getting battered.  It's enough.  It's time to let it go.

I need to have a shift in thinking, big time.

Why do I keep going back for more pain?   It must be my ego.  My ego thinks "What's wrong with me?"    Perhaps my ego thinks, if only they could see me for who I am they would love me.  I've tried really hard to do things the "right" way.  But it will never be right enough, I can see that a little more clearly now.

And there is no "right" way, there is only who I authentically am.  I can only be me.   I am coming to own who I am and I know that deep within me (that God place that I have found) it's about love.  If this person can't see the love, then that's their own stuff in the way.   It's taken so much work to get where I am, I can't go back.  I have to let my light shine and find others who see it.

Okay, so how do I shift my thinking?  Each time this person comes to mind - I have to detach.  I have to detach from the self defeating thoughts.  And in the end, I need to grieve my idea of this relationship.  I came across the following paragraph from a friend.  This is how I need to grieve it.  It is exactly what I need to move on, to do repeatedly over and over.  I can't identify myself with the stories I'm telling that I'm not good enough.


4. SUFFER CONSCIOUSLY. (From Eckhart Tolle)
Observe your emotional pain, your anguish and frustrations. Observe the constant stream of negative thoughts that run through your mind. The dreadful stories that keep feeding your pain, but choose not to identify yourself with them. See yourself as the one who’s observing all that emotional pain and all that discomfort. But don’t make the pain part of who you are. Don’t make it your person life story. Don’t claim it as your own.

And here is the crux of all of it:

“Suffering consciously is when you feel, sense and accept the suffering. It is not suffering anymore it is just pain. To be suffering you must have an unhappy me with a story and the world that is doing it to me.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I don't want to live in fear anymore.  I don't want to live in victimhood.  This person is not doing this to me. (although it feels real personal.)  I need to lovingly pay attention to the faulty thoughts that I think about myself, that there is something wrong with me.   This really isn't about me.  I have chosen suffering instead of allowing the pain.  I have to accept it's not meant to be.  It's simply not meant to be.  Maybe that can be my mantra.
Allow the pain. It's not meant to be. Let the pain flow.  It's only suffering if I tell myself there's something inherently wrong with me.  There's nothing wrong with me.  It's Just Not Meant to Be.

Yes, Siree Bob, I've Got This Ego Thing Down…

My dad has been in the hospital all week.  The hospital has become very familiar now.  I've got the parking routine down.  I park in the outdoor free parking just to change things around from my usual parking garage routine.  I'm getting so comfortable, I embarked on finding him and my mother where he was having a nuclear test in the bowels of the hospital.  This would have given me great anxiety before.  Speaking up, asking for directions, situations where I didn't know where I was going equalled high anxiety and freezing in my tracks.  Now, I think to myself, "Every little thing is going to be alright."

Mindfulness is so freaking helpful under these circumstances.  Dad's had a slow bleed for a week now and he has had numerous tests and procedures and the MD's think they find it and then the labs look bad again two days later.  He is not a good candidate for surgery at all if the procedures need to be more invasive.  Stress-ful.   Yet mindfulness has changed my life in terms of anxiety and fear that come up in times like this.

Mindfulness really rocks!  I have thoughts that pop in my head and I know - wow - I don't have to believe them.  That is my old conditioning popping up. I can change those thoughts.  And most of them are fear thoughts.  (This is where all that love stuff changes every thing)

Before I headed to the hospital yesterday as I was dressing,  I turned on the OWN channel.  Eckhart Tolle is talking to Oprah about the third chapter of his book "A New Earth" which is entitled, 'The Core of Ego.'  I "read" the book years ago in a class at church.  It is was very appealing to me but dense yet I did begin to understand the concepts.  Eckhart talks very slowly, dryly and unanimated.  He doesn't draw me in but…

Ego has been a topic in my head the last few weeks.  I've listened to Mary O'Malley talk about the monkey brain and how our thoughts will always lead us astray and those thoughts are the ego taking charge.  The heart is where we need to focus, etc.  And science is beginning to prove that.  It seems when I am staying aware, I usually have a theme word or truth that stays with me for a week or two.  Ego has been that word lately.

So I'm listening to Eckhart and Oprah talking from the other room and all of a sudden, I hear him say, "the ego means you are not aware of it, ego means unconscious."

Hello!  Ding, ding, ding.

I nod my head in utter delight.  Eckhart has my attention.  I have been working to let go of the ego!!   I have been working diligently on awareness and becoming conscious.  Just hearing this simple definition.  That is what the ego is?   I've got that down.  I am so on top of this one!!

Well, I want to watch the full episode but I've got to catch up on life.  But as I am experiencing life, I will remember to stay aware and diligent of the thoughts that pop up.  It's not always easy, so practice, practice, practice.

From Eckhart Tolle

I read (or rather tried to read)Eckhart with a church class, Spiritual Quest, years ago.   His writing is very dense but I listened enough to those who did read to get the gist of what he was saying.  And with a few years, what he was saying, really has sunk in.  I have also heard similar teachings with Michael Singer.  Eckhart is publishing a series of blogs with the Huff Post Healthy Living page.  This pictures were on the first blog and they spoke to me SO MUCH!

Do You Sit Cross Legged During The Week?

I watched Deepak Chopra on Super Soul Sunday.  I have so many ahas from watching that particular show.  It is simply splendid.  The topic was meditation. Now this is the deal,  I don't sit cross legged and specifically meditate for a period of time each day. Yet  I have thought a few times over the last few years, I've got that covered.  I'm not going to worry that I'm lacking in this area.  

I just had intuition...

This was some of Deepak and Oprah's discussion:  

Meditation is in every spiritual tradition: “Be still and no that I am”

Centering Prayer - is in Christianity - especially with the Benedictine Monks (We have had classes at my Methodist church!)

There are breathing meditations, body awareness meditations, variations of mantra meditations.  (I'm learning that so much is about what we hold in the body - the body which we ignore!)

What is meditation: a "Simple Mental technique to go to the source of thought"  
Also Dr. Chopra said that prayer is us speaking to God, meditation is allowing the Spirit to speak to us - yet it speaks in silence and manifests in intuition, inspiration.    (In spirit,-enthusiasm.)  

Oh my, I get this!  Being in that place when you are open to God coming through - is when you listen to intuition, are creative, see beauty and so many other open hearted actions.

And then the kicker.  Oprah brings up Eckhart Tolle and living in the present moment.   Deepak says being ”In present Moment” which is Mindfulness - has same affect as meditation!!    The consequences of living mindfully are make conscious choices, and changing your life.  

It is simply amazing to have thoughts in your head, and then without warning, an author or an expert, says exactly what your thoughts have been and there is confirmation of a belief.  I wanted to jump up and down and do the happy dance.

A funny side note:  Running into people and they ask what I have been up to.  I am speechless to say what my mission has truly been.  Can I say that I have made it my mission to know myself, to be more spiritual.  How do you describe the above fantastic life lesson without sounding like a loon.  The seed is now planted to answer it truthfully.


Recently a new friend used the words "new ageish"  and I remembered that I haven't thought those words in a long time.  I guess that means I have crossed to the other side!  {grin}  

"You don't know you are there, until you are there"