Defining Love

Saturday night, I came across the post of Anderson Cooper announcing the birth of his second son, Sebastian.  I played the video of him explaining how he and his former partner and now best friend were parenting both sons and the children's surnames would both be Maisani-Cooper.  They are a family. He described how he felt the presence of his deceased mother, father and brother while raising toddler Wyatt Cooper with Ben.  He then read a quote from his father, Wyatt Cooper which made me weep.  

All of it made me weep. 

(Thank you to the man on Twitter who painstakingly captured the words on video in written form.) 

Here are Wyatt Cooper's amazingly loving and accurate words. 

"Life itself is brief. And yet each life encloses all eternity.  We are, all of us separately and together engaged on the same tough journey. Each of us taste its joys and sorrows.  Each of us gets by as best as we can. And we must whenever possible reach out to each other tentatively to touch with our hands, with our eyes, and with our hearts. We must wish for each other love and laughter, good thoughts and happy days.  We must go rejoicing in the blessings of this world. Chief of which is the mystery, the majesty, the magic that is life."

For some reason, ever since Anderson Cooper started writing and documenting his and his mother's life and their relationship journey, I was mesmerized.  First in the book, "The Rainbow Comes and Goes" and then in a documentary, "Nothing Left Unsaid."  Anderson has been through tremendous loss, and examined it and come through it looking for light and love. Gloria Vanderbilt led an astounding life trying to fill in the gaps for missing loved ones.  A dad that died when she was one and a mother who was not able to connect with her.   She and Anderson shared their grief over losing his dad, Wyatt, all too soon and then ten years later, his brother, Carter. They shared how their relationship worked and didn't work.  I love a family who speaks their truth and tries to work things out together.  Relationships are messy and there has to be open, honest and mature communication.  If you don't have that, it's really hard to make it work for both parties. 

I celebrate Anderson and his best friend choosing to raise a family together and it really resonates deeply for me.  Family can be who you make it to be.  It can be those who reach out and touch our hands, eyes and hearts.  I have tried to connect on a deeper level with family and it just hasn't worked.  It's devastating to come to that conclusion yet I have learned that God ( the Divine One, the Trinity, the Christ Consciousness or Universe) will bring people and situations into my life that will fill my longing for attachment and connection in a loving and kind way.  It will not look like what I expected but if I can let go, forgive and move on, my heart will be touched by love when I least expect it. 

Today, on Valentine's Day, a manufactured day with confusing origins, I will still celebrate LOVE. 

The kind of love that listens to my deepest concerns and I listen to theirs.  A love that is kind, responsive, mature and patient.  It's not perfect but it shows up.  That's my version of First Corinthians 13.  A veil is lifted and I only understand in part, but the part, the mystery that I see is so generous and overwhelming, I can't do anything but figure out how to lean into it again and again. 

I am so very thankful for the loves in my life.  The unit that I created: my husband and daughters,  friends who are soul sisters, family, and others who cross my path in all kinds of ways.  And of course,  the four legged sweethearts cannot be left out! 

Being In The Present Moment

It's taken me a long time to really really understand, "Be in the Present Moment."   Around ten years ago, I tried to make my way through Eckhart Tolle's, "A New Earth" with a reading group at church.  I could barely read the book or listen to him in audio because it was dry and heady material but it laid a foundation. Eckhart talked a lot about the ego, the pain body, about Jesus and inherently "be still and knowing that I am..." 

All of that came with a level of difficulty that was beyond my pay grade at the time.  

When I am quiet and still with no distractions, stuff comes up.  And I am bombarded with distractions to avoid the painful emotions that make me jittery, anxious and avoidant to ever sit and be still again.  Over time,  I have practiced over and over that what comes up will not kill me especially if I don't identify AS the sadness, anxiety or grief.  It is energy that needs to flow through.  These are "just" my thoughts and not who I am. 

Now hearing Eckhart years later in video, I can take in his slow, dry manner, and abundant wisdom and if he chuckles, it is like I won an Olympic medal.  So very delightful. 

Just now, I was standing at the kitchen sink with dirty dishes piled all around from last night. I have always HATED washing dishes.  George can swiftly verify this fact.  My head is spinning because I'm trying to think of all the groceries needed in preparation for Thanksgiving week and the girls home from school.  I can look and see things that need to be done everywhere.  There's a pandemic raging.  Political strife is ever abundant.  My lower back aches as I have grown accustomed to in the last few years.  My blood pressure is elevated a little.  And I have a slight headache that I'm not sure what it's from. And yesterday, I discovered that neuroma is likely the name for the tingling I feel in my right foot between the third and fourth toes. 

Yet, amidst all of this, I have Frank Sinatra playing on Pandora, and I have a dish in my hand cleaning it with my yellow smiley face scrub and I have a few seconds of peace beyond all understanding.  

It's magical.  

It's mystery. 

Being In The Present Moment. 

Ego aside, pain aside, sadness aside, anxiety aside, all of it aside.  It makes room for a well of gratitude for life, for a loving divinity inside me and inside every human being and I'm connected with all of it. 

Give me more of this. 

I know it's about loving myself and others and breaking through all of the barriers to get there. 

Namaste. 

Feeling the Love of Those Departed

(*Wrote this draft 2 years ago, but never published and was reminded about it yesterday when her ex-husband passed away. )

Watching Super Soul Sunday and something profoundly moves me.Madonna Badger, a woman from Connecticut, lost her three daughters and parents in a fire in her home on Christmas Eve 2011.

Now take that in.

Her older daughter was 9 and the twins were 7.  And her parents.  All in one night.
So much devastation and the woman is still standing.

She and Oprah talked about how lost loved ones are still with us.  Madonna shares her experience of conversations with her children and how mind-blowing it is.  She describes one particular time where her pain was so devastating, so deeply intense and the tears felt like blood coming from her eyes.  And she looked in the mirror and saw her children.  And they spoke to her and comforted her.  And she wanted to let who was with her know that it was real.

She says she can feel them and when this occurs her chest feels full.  And this only happens when she feels super present in her body. When she is bitter or angry, she cannot feel her children.

Whoa.  This struck my soul.

When I am bitter and angry, love does not come out.  Love is no where near.  Now, there is a place for anger and it can tell you where you need boundaries but staying in that place of anger and bitterness, does not move me forward and only leaves one stuck.  I have stayed angry about things for years and am slowly, slowly learning, I don't want to reside in anger any more.  I learn to allow anger to move through.  And I still stand amazed every time it does.

It seems Madonna's truth came quickly to her because it was the only way to experience her beloved children.

As Madonna vulnerably spoke this truth on this show, she commented that she doesn't understand why it is that way.

Anger does not take you to the profound places that love does. (Did I come up with this, I must have?)

Love is the answer. Love is always the answer.  And learning to love myself has always been the key to being able to turn it around and love others.

Namaste

A Big Freaking Goal

This is my goal.

It so fits with shifting from fear to love.  

It's a lot of freaking work though.  

Today is one of those days, where it seems really hard and unlikely to happen.  

But I know that will pass.  It will seem easier to do another day.

Fear and Loathing in Baton Rouge

"Every time you substitute kindness for criticism you improve your relationship with yourself.
When you feel depressed, abandoned, anxious, or worthless that’s a big clue you are telling yourself something harsh and untrue. Challenge your beliefs vociferously in the context of unconditional self love and watch your life improve"
~♥ Nicole S. Urdang

Unconditional self-love.  I believe for the first forty years of my life, I practiced unconditional self-loathing.

I didn't even realize what I was doing.

Looking back, I lived in fear and talked to myself ALL THE TIME about how I didn't measure up to others, how I couldn't do whatever was placed before me.  So many, many moments of my life were spent worrying about the next ones (and not being present).

It is no way to live.

I wouldn't speak up.  It didn't matter the situation, or to whom I was speaking.   I would never lead ANYTHING.  It made me nervous just to participate.   There was no way I could lead, even though I could see better ways to do certain things, I would never voice the thoughts in my head.  When I had to call someone on the phone or address someone about something relatively important, it was a capital H,  Huge deal.  I would agonize over it for hours or days and procrastinate.  My husband commented to me how I freeze in my tracks and just don't move.

It seems every interaction I had with others, I felt like I would be found out.  I wasn't who I appeared to be.  I had made good grades, I was cute and had pretty hair.  I was a cheerleader for gosh sakes.  (That's another entire issue there)  I lived by all of the externals - anything that was on the outside: from what groups I associated with, to the name brands I wore, to how I looked.

It is makes me sad to think how little I thought of myself.

How do you come out of that, especially if you don't even have the awareness that it's going on?

For me it was therapy.  And like most people, usually something has to hit a breaking point for anyone to head to therapy, rehab, treatment.  I wanted to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off.  I knew there was something much deeper to my relationship with food.  And that is where my journey to shift from fear to love began.  I didn't even know that's what I was doing.    What I found out was why I couldn't love myself, and the stories I told myself in my head.  I began the process of becoming who I AUTHENTICALLY am.

And the bizarre thing to me, was that my spiritual journey was one and the same as my therapy.  I unintentionally ended up at church in studies that matched exactly what I was learning on the "outside" and I didn't know those studies existed inside the church.  But it is all one and the same.

You know "God is love." {smile} {wink}

At the core of spirituality and therapy is love.  It had been lost for me for a really long time but it's coming back!  Now, when I judge myself or another person, I stop, and think, Hmmm,  oh yeah, that's fear talking.  And these days, the thoughts just flow right out again.  In the beginning of practicing mindfulness, it might take a few days when someone or something really got in my craw.  But lately, it's down to a few hours and for small issues, it takes minutes or seconds.  

It's been a slow journey and at times painful but one that I am gloriously happy to be on.

White Knuckling Plane Flights and Life

I still haven't gotten over airline flights: the magic, the mystery, the fear.  Yesterday morning we were in San Diego, two time zones away.  This morning, I wake up in heat and humidity and the Central Time Zone of home.  Before we lifted off, Mallory asked me, "How does the plane fly?"  I said she needed to ask Daddy denying my feminist self.   I have no idea how the plane works, and I ain't got time for that,  I just need to take a half of Zanax, put my head down and roll with it.  It has taken me several years to understand that's just what I need to do to fly. Well, truthfully I figured it out once again five minutes before she asked.

Before her inquiry, I thought, I'm not having any claustrophobia at all.  A moment later, the flight attendant announced she had good news and bad news.  As I looked up for the first time to the front of the plane, my stomach curled both with the visual of the rows and people ahead of me and the thought that there was bad news.  (All I could comprehend now was the nightmare of being stuck on a plane for 9 hours on the runway.)  I immediately got out my pill bottle and took the half that was left from the previous flight seven days ago.   Mallory was telling me that she really didn't like flying.  I thought, one of us needs to be medicated and I don't know what her dosage would be.

So I held her hand and Riley's hand who hates takeoff and away we went.

Even after flying for the last twenty odd years, it is still simply amazing to me.  To be in one place one thousand seven hundred miles away and then bam, three and a half hours later, I am across the country.

Wow.

I use to try to white knuckle my way through flights.  I thought there was something wrong with me that I needed to take medicine.  I have claustrophobia and I don't like being in enclosed spaces.  I had several bad experiences on planes which I now know where panic attacks.   And then a few years ago after trial and error,  I discovered there was medicine to help.  I found a primary care doctor who I felt comfortable with and have had the same bottle of anti-anxiety pills since 2011. I don't fly that often.

I also use to have a hard time having fun.  For some reason, I didn't think I deserved it.  I didn't put myself out there.  I didn't make plans.   I scratch my head now and think, why did I think that?  (I wasn't worthy….)

It doesn't matter any more.  I have learned to have fun.  Not just in flying to California but in the little everyday things.  Each day, I can make myself miserable or change my thought patterns, and accept things the way they are or change them.   Once I made the choice of conscious living, everything changed bit by bit, I was no longer the victim.  I now have my sense of humor back and the sense of doom has departed. I do forget every now and then though, and I need a wake up call.

San Diego was fun.  Los Angeles was even more of a blast for me.  Food poisoning was not.  But it happened and I recovered and moved on.  The beaches were utterly spectacular.  They transformed me instantaneously to a relaxed space the moment we stepped out of the car.  Getting away and exploring new places is a wonderful adventure. It has taken me years to know that traveling is my right and privilege and I'm so grateful that I can do it.  And… it doesn't have to look perfect.

And I'm so grateful to know that every day is an opportunity for white knuckling fear or for love.  Most every day I choose love now.

Namaste.

A Girl and Her Dogs

This morning before school, Mallory got out of bed without any prodding whatsoever.  She was so excited to help walk our neighbor's dogs.  Last night, she walked them with a wet head from her bath.

This girl loves her dogs.

And it's catching.

She wore me down endlessly asking for a dog in 2012.  We finally got one.  And then when that one was scared of George, I felt bad about a man not having a dog that loved him.  And Mallory was asking for another dog anyway, so we got another one last year.  And Brinkley LOVES George.

And they sleep in our bed. And sit on our couches.  And I had to learn to be the alpha of the house. It has not been an easy journey.  And that's not even mentioning the carpet that needs to be replaced.

But this morning as we raced to get out the door to have time to walk them before school, I catch Mallory's perpetual enthusiasm for her dogs and her dogs' friends.  Riley does too.  Mallory makes comments the whole time about the dogs and their personalities and how they walk and their relationship to each other, etc.

When you LOVE something so much - it spills over.

And other people get caught in that energy of LOVE.

Maybe it's because she is my child and it warms my heart to see her so excited about something.  Maybe it's because, the unconditional love of dogs is wearing me down.  {smile}

When that energy of love is put out there, it comes back to you.

The small but powerful act of Living In the Present Moment is huge.
A dog walk can be the best beginning of the day.

Being Defriended on Facebook

I've lost my voice with this blog for a bit.  I haven't written in a while and I truly LOVE to write.  It is so cathartic for me.  So I am forcing myself to write this.

I shared a bit of my authentic self on Facebook.  I linked a blog that had taken me many years of soul searching to write. But it had to do with religion, addiction, being gay and the movie, "Twelve Years  A Slave."  Hot button issues to write about in the Deep South Bible Belt.

After posting the link to my blog, I was pleasantly surprised that there were positive responses immediately.  I would like to say that it shouldn't have mattered but knowing someone else understood and had the same opinion was gratifying.  It is my truth and I have worked so hard to get to the point of saying it out loud…well at least in a blog.

And then about a week later, I realized that one person was not pleased with the blog and needed to not see my "stuff" on FB and defriended without a word.  I was saddened and angry because of who the person was but I remind myself that the reaction that comes back to me has to do with that person.  It's their stuff.

This blog is my truth and I have worked so hard to come to know what I believe at my core.  And I am learning bit by bit that I don't have to have anyone else agree with me either.  And to take it a step further, I can be friends with people who don't have the same opinion as I.  It is called, "Agreeing to Disagree."  

Love them and accept them for who they are.

In my journey, I had to figure out that I was a people pleaser - this was kinda shocking to me as I have progressed out of it, how deeply it went.  I had to learn what boundaries were.  First, I had to have the awareness that I was a people pleaser and what the hell boundaries were and that I needed them,  desperately.   I believe that I had to understand where I came from so I could move forward.  And moving forward to owning my own thoughts, words and actions is so freeing.

The irony with this particular situation of defriending is that my journey to figure out my authentic self, led me to a deeper relationship with God and his Divineness within me, always available to rely on.   And that Divine within is all about love, not judgment. And this person and I just disagree about the "rules" of the God we both believe in.

So I'm back.  I will stop here.  But my journey has to continue whether anyone agrees with me or not.

It is well with my soul.

Namaste.

Spent Time With An Old Friend Last Night

On a lark knowing I would probably enjoy it, I bought tickets months ago to see Barry Manilow.  (George said yes without even blinking.  Love that man!)  I hadn't intentionally listened to any of his songs in a while, so I pulled out my 4 CD Boxed collection.  I refreshed myself on which of his songs I loved the most and made my children despise him.  So the concert was last night and I was surprised by a few things.

I didn't put much thought into who the other attendees would be, but I was slightly taken aback with just how old the crowd was, even older than Elton John.  There were people using walkers and let me be clear,  good for them!!  Rock on!!  I hope that someone will take me to a concert when and if I have the privilege of making it to that age!  But on this night,  it made me feel young and George, at fifty-one, was a young stud in his new skinny jeans!


One of my best friends is a Fanilow and has attended several of his concerts.  She was on the front row with some of her family and they said some women cry at his concerts.  And I thought... really?

Can you see where this is going?

Barry Manilow is seventy years old, has had hip surgery and his movements are slower and more gingerly than I must have pictured.  It took me a few minutes to acclimate to this, and to stop worrying about him. Probably because I understand all to well,  the need to really pay attention to how I move my body.  One trip up, literally, and there are repercussions that can last for months.  Thank you sprained ankled from months ago.

Unfortunately I was so concerned about getting a good picture of him and putting it up on Facebook, I wasn't fully paying attention to his first few songs.  And then I heard... "I Am Your Child" and tears sprang to my eyes.


Barry and I go way back. In my tweens on the piano, I played "Ready to Take A Chance Again" over and over.  I have a forty five record of "Can't Smile Without You" that was well played.  His music just infiltrated my childhood and young adult years and I happily sang along.  He wrote the songs that made me romantic soul sing.

Back at the concert,  he announced it was time for his most romantic song.  And it is one of my very favorites.  He joked that if you don't get lucky after this song, it is not his fault!!

You can't see him in my video below, only the light shining on the piano but you can hear him and he is belting it out!

When he was taking his last bows and I knew it was over, I became verklempt again!  It only lasted a moment but I didn't want him to go.  The whole concert brought me back to my younger days and my naive belief in romance and love.  It also reminded me of my piano playing days.  I use to play some great love songs.  I remember oh so clearly, sitting, playing and singing "The Rose", "You Light Up My Life" and "Feelings."  So funny how these same themes have come back around again in my forties.  It is all about LOVE and romance. Barry even talked about finding your passion.  If you don't like what you are doing, change it because it makes all the difference in the world.  He remarked he is still shaking his hips at seventy because this is what he loves to do.

I'm glad I took a chance on Barry.  It was a great hand holding night out with my hubby.  I even sat down a few minutes ago at the piano for the first time in ages and plunked out a very rusty "Ready to Take A Change Again."

Can I say "It's A Miracle?"

Show Up, Stay Present and Feel Fully

Love is the Absence of Judgment - The Dalai Lama (and letting go of what I think about my weight)

At this point in time, I have the most self acceptance that I've ever had in my life.  I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have.   (And that skin now has a lot of scars.)   I know that I can take up space and not apologize for it.   People pleasing is falling by the wayside.  I have begun having a voice.  I actually know what a boundary is and I use them and feel not as much guilt.  My spiritual core is blossoming and I feel closer to a loving higher power than ever before.  I see how the universe responds to my openness and love, as opposed to the fear and anxiety that I constantly lived in before.

And yet I'm the heaviest I've been except for pregnancies.  My inner judge (which I'm trying to annihilate) thinks if I'm doing all this inner work my outside body should show it.

Sigh.

I guess then it is time for Extreme self acceptance.  And how does that work?

I had a moment where I remarkably realized that I weigh probably ten more pounds than what I did when I showed up for therapy five years ago to lose weight(!).  I can't even fathom how much time I have spent belittling, judging and smacking myself down over twenty pounds?  (I don't know what my natural weight is which is the goal of intuitive eating.)

I'm tired of doing this to myself.  I'm so very tired of this.

The last two days, I have been more aware of my body image and it was of a negative fashion.  I have learned that this negativity will ebb and flow.  I no longer think of going on a diet when this occurs.  I can usually stop the negative thought progression but when I'm in a deeper funk, I just have to sit with it and let it pass.

I do remind myself that I am not my weight.  And tell myself that my self acceptance does not rely on my body size. And I breathe.  I practice deep breathing because that is the only thing I can think to do in the moment when the thoughts and feelings are spiraling.

And breathing is our connection to God.

And there really is no reasoning with these thoughts.

And we can change those thoughts.

Again, I have to say that THERE IS NO REASONING WITH THESE THOUGHTS and I now know they will pass.  I have found that I have been experiencing more feelings of all kinds lately.  I experience a range from deep joy to pain and despair.  I know that I shut down and blocked my feelings after the experiences of infertility and the deep pain of postpartum depression.  After that is when I really started to eat my feelings.  My compulsion truly kicked in.  And now I have learned so much of my core story and what I tell myself.  And what I never wanted to look at.  But I'm looking at it now truthfully, honestly and painfully.

At the core, I felt abandoned and alone.  That was heightened immeasurably when I felt so alone taking care of a newborn and not knowing how to do it and the incessant crying (the baby and me!!)  and every thought I had was an anxious one.

And that core of aloneness, also lead to my core belief that I'm not good enough.

But now, I do not feel that way anymore.  It's still there but not to the same degree.  Yes, at the core, we are all alone.  I have learned that my higher power is so much more loving than I ever could fathom.  And I feel more comfortable saying higher power than Jesus or God, because the old God came with so much judgement and self-recrimination that I have to use different language now.

I still try to reason with the thoughts and this is going to take time to let go of.  It's all about acceptance as is.  Acceptance of the moment.  Acceptance of life as is.  Acceptance of those around me.

I came across this picture and statement and it says everything that I need to know about my weight.   I am learning to love myself, as is, and as that is occurring, I judge myself less and less.

All You Need Is Love...

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create.” John Lennon

I came across this quote yesterday.  I lived the first forty years motivated by fear and slowly I have been learning to operate out of love, bit by bit.  It's very slow intensive work to change the way my brain has been wired, the stories I tell myself about myself and my life but I am chipping away at it every day.  You also have to examine who is around you and what they are motivated by and is that helping you in your journey.

What does Resurrection really mean?

I taped a The Best of Oprah Show with Marianne Williamson.  It sat in my DVR for a while.  And then something pushed me to watch it.  I was about to delete and bam - out comes mention of resurrection.

Whaaaaat?

Marianne Williamson - new age spiritual guru mentions resurrection?  (My idea of who she is does not fit in with this but....I am wrong!)

And yet this is the BEST kind of resurrection I have heard of!

My religious baggage makes me so uncomfortable about "Jesus" talk or what I would call old school bible teachings.  This would include talk of blood, sin, calvary, Armageddon, the devil, to name just a few topics off the top of my head.  In this type of Bible teaching,  I heard judgement, judgement, judgement.  I have been judging myself unmercifully for forty-five years, I do not need any more talk of telling me what is wrong with myself.  I need to hear what is right.  I need to hear that God made me perfect as I am.  And that is the divine within.  Recognizing the divine within, the gig is up, it is all about LOVE.

ALL ABOUT LOVE!

Yes, I was screaming that.

Now back to Marianne on my DVR, she is saying a lot that is making so much sense but then I catch this little bit that blows me away:  "The meaning of the word resurrection is the mind lifting up into a new kind of thinking."  She speaks of the Grace of God and that grace allowing us to switch from the victim modality, "this is so terrible" (and for me, I'll never get over this, whatever this is) to one of healing ourselves.   Changing the track that our brain and mind usually play out.

A new kind of thinking.

Yes, she's talking about mindfulness. My favorite subject.  {smile}

Jesus wasn't trying to judge us.  He was trying to show us how to love.  Love ourselves and each other.  During the process of learning to love myself, I just naturally love others in the process, even those who drive me crazy.   When you feel that spark of divine within, you are drawn to give it away.

Somehow I listened to that little intuition that I needed to watch that show.  I needed to hear this.  This idea of resurrection changes not just the track of my brain but it confirms the changes that I'm made in the track of my life.  It reconfirms so many lessons.  So many different people from different walks of life but saying the same idea, in different language, in different ways.

Namaste!

Weight Equals Happiness?

Oh, holy heck.  This one hit me right between the eyes.

Months ago when I went to the doctor and found out I had gained seven (more) pounds, for several days I felt like my life had taken a turn for the worse.  I have been on a path of enlightenment to lose weight, not gain it and this is putting me even further away from wherever my natural weight is.  (What is my natural weight? - that is still a mystery)

I can see how dramatic that was now but it worked into an aha moment that continues to sink in.  I wrote about in on February 22 and it was called "Seven Pounds and a Palpable Shift."

Walking around with the extra seven pounds and learning to accept and love myself "as is" is a HUGE (!) endeavor but one fully worth taking.  And the truth is that when I weighed less after dieting for about ten minutes,  my world did not change as I anticipated.  It was more fun to go shopping and get dressed but I still had the same insecurities and incessant thoughts plaguing me.

I still lived in fear on a day to day basis and at the whim of my feelings which overwhelmed me.  I didn't realize I lived in fear until I slowed down enough to realize it.   The last years of therapy and intense self examination have led to more understanding of where I came from, who I am authentically and most of all, how to handle my feelings and thought processes.  Shifting my thoughts from fear to love on a daily basis has been an incredible journey and one that I will continue the rest of my life.  Worrying about my looks and weight does not move me in a positive direction at all.  And most importantly, my weight does not indicate my self worth.

I have slowly come to realize that the inner journey "stuff" FASCINATES me, rocks my boat and that is who I am.  For most other people, not so much.   Ye that is who I am authentically. And that is okay that I'm different from other people.  Accepting this about myself is very freeing.  I beat myself up a lot over this one.  Now I become so excited when I find another person on the path.  The "inner journey people" are few and far between because one would have to slow down, stop the madness of compulsive activity that keep us from thinking and examine and that may be too painful to do.  Some people there have to hit rock bottom to propel them on the journey.   It is a painful journey but oh so freeing at the same time.

So, as I come across this picture and words on my Facebook feed, I had a happy dance in my mind.  Because that is who I am and someone else out there gets it!

A Formal Gown, Spanx, Tanning Cream and LOVE

Few people see the body as it really is but imagine what they would like it to be.  The fantasy of an ideal body comes with the false premise of eternal happiness and unconditional acceptance by others ~ from Institute for the Psychology of Eating

This one as it appeared in my Facebook feed really made me think.   George and I have been invited to a formal event.  I hesitated and then began to get excited.  Good food, great music and the ability to dance!

And then there is the attire...a long gown.  {grimace}

2010: Mardi Gras Ball and we didn't know a soul except for the Krewe King.

With time to kill at the mall, Riley and I went into a store that had long dresses and I tried a few on.  I have gained a few pounds and my mind has been beating myself up for this.  I've been working on this issue of weight for so long.  I've been in therapy... for so long.  Why haven't I achieved my goal of losing weight?   

Well, a little thing called self-love has gotten in the way.  

In the past, the times I lost weight and got to what would be my goal weight now, it was great, fantastic, and wonderful.  Every pound lost was so exciting and seemed to chipped away at a sad feeling inside.  I bought new smaller sized clothing.  But yet something inside felt like I was an imposter.  And of course, I gained the weight back.

I was still the same person inside, who felt small.  Who had no voice.  And who feared most everything from moment to moment.  Who felt fear instead of LOVE.

My first thought about finding a dress for the gala, was "Oh no."  And then knowing everything flows from my thoughts, I changed them.  I really want to go.  I want to have an evening out with my husband.  I want to get dressed up, have my hair done, accessorize and have some fun!

I know at this juncture in my long slow journey, that I can change my thoughts about the feelings that pop in my head.  The feelings are not bad, they just are.  I have come to understand on this long slow journey that it will continue to be long and slow.  I will lose some weight, but it will come as I continue to accept myself and love my authentic self and do the inner work.  It is all about the inner work.

I hesitate to write what I want to next because it sounds "cray cray" as I overcome my fundamentalist baggage.  God made me this way and his love is huge.  As I began to grasp this notion and let it sink in, I am more accepting of myself (and those around me.)  It has been said that God (or higher power) loves us more than what I feel for more children.  And that love is overwhelming.

I am beginning to feel that love from God.  And it really is all about unconditional love.

But that doesn't mean I won't wear Spanx or get a spray tan.

This is my back up dress.  I tried it on yesterday.

Knight is a family name. I'm not that inebriated.

Consciousness

Again today, I am still feeling blah. I kicked George out of the spare room as he is studying for his Board exam on December 8th which comes around every ten years. I decided to watch tv and fold the massive amounts of laundry that were waiting. I didn't get very far because I had something pull me out of my blahness and into motion.

The spare room is where I have 17 of Oprah's Life Classes on the DVR which are excellent. But what was on live on the OWN channel was Super Soul Sunday which I also tape and it is 3 hours long every Sunday. I have yet to make it through one of these shows as I have to take them in bits because I have to be open to chew on them.

Yet today when I find Oprah talking to the Reverend Ed Bacon, Pastor of All Saints Episcopal Church, I knew I wanted to hear what they were saying. I had heard him on her Soul Series and I was immediately drawn to his message. His church is a liberal activist Church where Jesus is taught as the Savior and Son of God, and what is emphasized more than the dogmatic and doctrinal issues of Religion, is the connection with God, the Spirit, the Cosmos (!), other people and connection with your deepest self.

Hello.

This woke me up from my funk. It is music to my ears. No dogma or doctrine, it boils down to love. Jesus' message was love, not fear. And when you get connected to your deepest self, you want to turn around and love others. This is God in us.

Oprah talks to Reverend Bacon about a time in 1998 when she was taping a show with Caroline Myss about consciousness. This is what Ms. Myss said about Consciousness that it is "Becoming aware of why we say what we do, why we think what we think. And it is a very challenging part of our lives.”

I am enthralled to hear a neat packeaged definition of what I have been doing these last few years. I have been becoming conscious. Evolving is another description. I evolve yet still watch the Bravo Housewives. Keeping it real.

So Oprah asks how Rev. Bacon defines Spirituality and he says, "the Experience of feeling unconditionally LOVED. So much, so powerfully that you know that there is some power greater than you are, loving you. This love that you are experiencing is coming from a great power and it is filling you so much you want to love other people. "

I get that, I really get that. But it takes time to overcome our pasts, and look at the hard stuff but it is so worth the journey. I had a "normal" childhood but it was not without it's shortcomings. I didn't know that I didn't have a voice. I speak up now as opposed to shrinking away but there has to be a decision about what is important and "picking my battles." Now I connect with my husband, children, and friends in a deeper and more profound way. I drag George along on this journey. I have felt so comfortable in my skin for the last months even though there have been very stressful life events going on. That is an incredible phenomenon and I want to keep moving forward... consciously.

Less fear, more love. That should be a commercial on tv.

So Should We Have Another Baby?

Today is my youngest's 6th Birthday. Last night we started watching our home VHS(!) videos (yes, I have work to do) of her birth. It was with great fondness and sentamentality I viewed them as babies. I joked with George that we should have another and I wasn't serious but the idea was a pleasant one as opposed to the terror the idea would have felt to me previously. He told me I was on my own, either because he has had a vasectomy or that he will be 50 in 2 short years. I said, we could adopt...

And then...Mallory decided to remind what it was like to have a newborn. She came into our bedroom on four different occasions from 12:30am to 3:00a.m. and then I finally asked if she wanted me to lay down with her and I did in her twin bed and she twisted and turned. But I was so verklempt that I had a precious girl who was so excited about her birthday, it didn't matter how much sleep I was losing. Until the next day when my brain wouldn't function because I was so tired. But it was a happy tired.

I love the above picture of Baby Mallory and round cheeked Riley. I love watching what the girls looked and sounded like a few short years ago and how they look and sound the same now but just more grown up versions. Certain mannerisms are the same. I also see what I missed back then. There is video footage that I have absolutely no recollection of taping which makes it kind of fun to watch.

I wonder what they will do as they grow up? What high school will look like for them? Where will their interests take them? I think about how I am learning to love them for who they are, not who I want them to be while at the same time I'm learning to love me for who I am. It's a two for one right now and I am ecstatic to be have this journey. It's quite a ROAR!

Dread

Today, I have planned to see Mary and it is something I dread. When we visited on Sunday and picked up her clothes to wash, I told her that I was coming. Will she remember? I don't know, these days it is a real toss up. When George visited last night, she was glad we had moved back to town. Last week, it was funny that she thought George and I were getting a divorce. The kind of funny that you have to laugh or you will lose it.

Well, this week the dementia has turned even more personal and it's not funny anymore. She is sharing her paranoid thoughts. She asks if George is where he is supposed to be during the day, is he really at work? Is he behaving? Is he doing what he is supposed to do? Then later in the day, she thinks that George and I are hiding something from her.

In my new life skills I would employ boundaries with this person who is coming at me. But she is very, very sick and I am responsible for her so I have to learn to completely detach from what she is saying, like she is a child. She pushed my buttons and I was angry and sad all at once. Then I read this quote on Facebook.

"Whenever you are upset about an event, a person, or a situation, the real cause is not the event, person, or situation, but a loss of true perspective that only space can provide." ~Eckhart Tolle

I immediately knew what was going on, her thoughts were triggering issues that I have with other people. As soon as I realized this, the feelings disappeared.

But the dread goes on.

Her arms are so thin, and she looks so emaciated from the top down but her legs are swollen from her body turning on itself for nutrition. She can't work a television remote or dial a phone. I had to cut her food the last time she came to our house, which was a new low. Her mind is not working right and her confusion is causing her much anxiety. The denial of the understanding of the cancer in her body, that has served to prolong her life for the last year is lifting and she is beginning to give up on her mantra of wanting to go to the doctor to find out what is wrong. We have had to scale back the visits with her beloved granddaughters because it is necessary for both parties and this kills every loyalty bone in my body. It is sad, sad, sad.

But I have now written about it, released it for a few minutes, and the emotional and physical exhaustion of yesterday, the last week, the last month and the last year has lifted ever so slightly and I will hit the treadmill before I go see her, try to get some endorphins going and carry on. I did not know my pledge to myself that I would be as present for her as I could possibly be in this terminal illness would be so incredibly difficult. In the end, my gift of presence to her, will be the ultimate gift to myself. I can't take care of her without taking care of me first.

Barriers

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.
Attributed to A Course in Miracles

Saw this on FB and it stopped me in my tracks. We should not be looking outside of ourselves for validation, love, approval. It's all within. And when we love overselves, we are more able to freely give of ourselves. Funny how that happens.

And then, God is there in the cracks when we let him in. Wow. This is what I have been learning through therapy and in all of my explorations. I love this journey and all of the little tidbits that I pick up. It is fascinating and fulfilling for me.

I have realized in the last year how many barriers I have built up from childhood on. Ways that I though were "normal" but now I am purposefully changing. The lessons to change them are hard and painful but also enlightening and freeing and it all boils down to LOVE.

I am so hard on myself. I am unforgiving and perfectionistic with myself and especially about how long this process is taking. I come to understand my issues intellectually and think bingo, that's it, I'm done...but alas the problem is that I then have to then FEEL my way through them emotionally. And I realize this mountain was built over the course of 40+ years and it is going to take time to plow through it. I'm still eating through my emotions at times. October, November and December were just crazy busy and didn't allow me to take time for myself at all. January started off with more of the same but now it is February and projects are slowing down, GaGa is relatively stable for now. The more I take care of myself and nurture myself, the more at peace and the more I have to give to those I love. Finding the balance, finding the barriers and experiencing the LOVE. That's what life is all about.

Subtle Aha moments...

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.” Marianne Williamson

Well, that's my post, it says it all. I really shouldn't say more because it covers love, fear, spiritual journey, acceptance, consciousness, things and the meaning of life. Done! Enough said.

Okay, I will ruin it, here goes. Facebook has it's downfalls but I still like it for the most part. I have friends who post some really interesting material and I love that without effort I come across it and it completely resonates with me. This quote from Marianne Williamson says exactly what I have come to learn in my journey. I revel when I find something that describes a particular truth of life that I have learned but in the most succinct and eloquent words. And I also think, someone else understands this!!

I had so much fear and self doubt about myself growing up. I wasn't good enough, I wasn't as good as everybody else. Even though I was popular in high school, and I joined a sorority, I still felt inferior. A sorority is just like wearing this brand of clothes, or driving this car or being a member of this club or having to say you are at this restaurant- it can be all to make you feel good through something "else" if that is what you need. There were times that I knew I was smart, attractive and capable but for the most part, fear plagued me. I worried about everything. I did not accept myself as I am and for whom I am until the last couple of years. Do you know how much energy that is wasted on all of those repetitive thoughts? When you accept yourself for who you are, it is amazing how those fears just fall to the wayside. I do things that I constantly worried about before and now don't think twice about. It is all how your mind is trained and as you unravel those tracks, there is God and his unending, unceasing love, just waiting for you to get to these truths. I imagine him/her chuckling as we finally get it.

I want to try as best as possible for my girls to not feel so much fear or at least to make their journey not as difficult as mine. And the fact that I understand this will make that so. Love is not just love. It is a very complex emotion and state of being. Figuring out this parenting stuff and how to love is not easy. Your parents give you their way and you have to figure out those tracks that were laid and what works for you and what doesn't. I have discovered some major things that needed changing for me and have been blazing a new trail. It is not easy but it is the path that I NEED to be on. And of course, not every one likes this and there is resistance. The resistance makes me realize that I really am on the right pathway from all that I have learned. And the subtle aha moments just keep coming. I know I am on the right track when they keep coming.