Being Defriended on Facebook

I've lost my voice with this blog for a bit.  I haven't written in a while and I truly LOVE to write.  It is so cathartic for me.  So I am forcing myself to write this.

I shared a bit of my authentic self on Facebook.  I linked a blog that had taken me many years of soul searching to write. But it had to do with religion, addiction, being gay and the movie, "Twelve Years  A Slave."  Hot button issues to write about in the Deep South Bible Belt.

After posting the link to my blog, I was pleasantly surprised that there were positive responses immediately.  I would like to say that it shouldn't have mattered but knowing someone else understood and had the same opinion was gratifying.  It is my truth and I have worked so hard to get to the point of saying it out loud…well at least in a blog.

And then about a week later, I realized that one person was not pleased with the blog and needed to not see my "stuff" on FB and defriended without a word.  I was saddened and angry because of who the person was but I remind myself that the reaction that comes back to me has to do with that person.  It's their stuff.

This blog is my truth and I have worked so hard to come to know what I believe at my core.  And I am learning bit by bit that I don't have to have anyone else agree with me either.  And to take it a step further, I can be friends with people who don't have the same opinion as I.  It is called, "Agreeing to Disagree."  

Love them and accept them for who they are.

In my journey, I had to figure out that I was a people pleaser - this was kinda shocking to me as I have progressed out of it, how deeply it went.  I had to learn what boundaries were.  First, I had to have the awareness that I was a people pleaser and what the hell boundaries were and that I needed them,  desperately.   I believe that I had to understand where I came from so I could move forward.  And moving forward to owning my own thoughts, words and actions is so freeing.

The irony with this particular situation of defriending is that my journey to figure out my authentic self, led me to a deeper relationship with God and his Divineness within me, always available to rely on.   And that Divine within is all about love, not judgment. And this person and I just disagree about the "rules" of the God we both believe in.

So I'm back.  I will stop here.  But my journey has to continue whether anyone agrees with me or not.

It is well with my soul.

Namaste.

Just When I Needed You Most!

I went to bed feeling uneasy and angry but not at something that could be easily identified.  I woke up continuing to feel discombobulated.  I got the girls ready and out of the house and off to school with some typical irritation.  My youngest did ask me a profound question about something we discussed the night before as she does from time to time in her role as "old" soul.  And I knew a cry was coming and I worked to hold it together until I finished carpool.

As I walked back into the house, Annie, the dog greeted me and was ready for her morning walk.

I thought, "Oh here is the faithful companion!!" and she jumped and sat by me on the couch and I patted her head and my tears flowed for a few seconds.  I thought, oh, this is the solution for my old habit of needing someone to be there when I'm working through feelings and don't want to be alone.  Annie can sit with me.

And then she licked her butt.

Laughter through tears, my favorite emotion.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I turned forty four yesterday.  Wow!  I'm just now letting that number sink in.  Mallory made no comment about the largeness of the number and she will tell me the truth, God bless her old soul.  It did just strike me that it is getting close to fifty, you know how numbers do that.

I had my annual birthday tension two days ago.  It presented as being mad at my husband who had been off for the last week but went back to work on my birthday and was also on call which precluded us from an uninterrupted evening meal out.  I think I am also having PMS.  This IS a lethal combination.

This summer has been non-stop, and my birthday snuck up on me and I had not made my "take care of myself on my birthday" plans. The tension was really that I forgotten to take control of plans to make myself feel special which is what I have learned over the years.  As my six year old sage said to her sister months ago, "the only person who can change anything is you." So I found a sitter and made my spa reservations.   And decided that take out from my favorite restaurant will do.  I always have some preconceived ideas of what a birthday should look like and that is not what happens on my day.  I had to let those expectations go and move to reality.

Last year, we were at the beach on my birthday and it was fantastic.  I tried to do that again this year but George had to be a witness at a trial which is what messed up my plans royally.  In the end I just needed him to say he understood my disappointed feelings.  He did after instructions and magically, my birthday funk dissipated. It was also helped by a complete stranger at my daughter's back to school party who also validated my feelings of wanting to feel special on my birthday.  She completely got "it."

So after some acceptance of what "is", some validation, some plan making, I moved from the birthday blues to feeling gratitude on the day.  I had a wonderful day.  I enjoyed my quiet "me" spa time and then came home to an intimate surprise party. George had bought a cake and festive items the day before, and my sitter helped the girls decorate even more.  I got teary eyed opening THE sweetest cards.  I even got a birthday sash that declared my fabulousness!  I had a cat nap.  And then the girls were bored so we ran errands at the mall, and ended up meeting a tired George for supper.  

I was able to spend my birthday with the loves of my life.  I needed to take care of myself first though. I have to be the first love and then it makes all else flow well and it so much easier to come from a place of gratitude.