Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Recap

Loved Anne and James in the opening video because it was hilarious and I had put my time in with those movies. Even the 10 minutes that I watched of Inception helped. They may not have been fantastic hosts but they are good actors.

I learned that is was one actor who played the rowing twins in Social Network who end up suing Mark Zuckerberg. Go figure. Had no idea. How did I miss that fact?

Also, Michelle Williams is BFF with the blond girl from Cougar Town. Who knew? They were on Dawson's Creek together. I love IMDB. I may have to break down and buy into IMDB Pro. I just didn't see the film actress Michelle with the sitcom actress Busy. That's her name.

Love that Academy Award Screenplay Writer Winner Aaron Sorkin has difficulty with guinea pigs as well!!! Love it!!!

Anne Hathaway can belt it out beautifully, and I know she is not a comedienne but she laughed at her own jokes too much and clapped a little too long. But she's young and I wanted to laugh with her, she is so likeable. And she is freaking in her 20's and HOSTED THE OSCARS!! Way to go Anne!

Jennifer Hudson's breasts look awkward. I can't get the picture next to the words here but you know who she is.

I use to think that Helena Bonham Carter needed to work on her style. She always dresses offbeat. It hit me while watching the red carpet, that I totally look up to her now. She dresses the way she sees fit and doesn't care what the whiny fashionistas critically judging everyone says. She is comfortable enough in her own skin to be herself and it doesn't hurt that I did love her in "The King's Speech."

I'm beginning to think that one year, I need to book a trip to CA and sit in the stands and watch the spectacle. Do you think George will go for it?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

New Furniture!!!

The new furniture from Christian Street is in and I love it! The cats are making themselves at home and following the no food, drink, or pens rules. Riley loves to play office or school in there and there is a place to hide her papers inside the ottoman! Mallory really wants to have another television but I am holding out for a tv free room.
I am so happy with our choices. The furniture is comfortable. It feels very fresh and we switched rugs with the keeping room and it works. There is a certain feeling of peace everytime I walk through the room. (And there is no guinea pig cage!!!!!)

Now, to add some wall hangings and window coverings. Always something that needs to be done.

Friday, February 25, 2011

But It Is So Very Well Acted

Well, it's the event of the year that I love, Academy Awards! Hooray for Hollywood and small independant movies. I decided to go for it this year and tried to see as many Oscar nominated movies as I could stomach. In the past, I saw The Wrestler which was a session in fortitude because it involved barbed wire, blood, and slow motion blows to the body. (And for some reason I was strangely drawn to Mickey Rourke) After I saw Black Swan, it made perfect sense that it was the same director because there were so many cringe worthy, body mutilating moments in Ms. Portman's movie as well, but very well acted!

I have to say stomach these movies because the Academy nominates movies that I just can't make it through such as Inglorious Bastards, the Hurt Locker and Precious. I rented the first two last year and could not make it through the blood, gore and violence and/or the suspense awaiting blood, gore and violence. And then there are certain genres that I just don't care for at all, like Westerns (True Grit) or subconscious mind game thrillers (Inception-made it through ten whole minutes) I am a lightweight when it comes to blood and I accept that wholly. So I was loving the fact that Toy Story 3, The Kids are All Right, The Social Network and The Kings Speech were in contention.

So this year, I got really excited about seeing "Rabbit Hole" where Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart play grieving parents whose young son was killed in an automobile accident. Fun stuff. (And if you are keeping tabs, it was not nominated but Nicole was) I get off on watching depressing psychological drama especially if it involves a group therapy scene. I accept that wholly about myself as well. Also, on this year's list is Blue Valentine which is watching a young couple's 6 year marriage crumble. More fun stuff but so very well acted. That is the way I felt about Black Swan - the crazy psychosexual thriller that made me laugh outloud inappropriately but it was so well acted.

Also nominated this year was another boxing movie, The Fighter, with two brothers, an overprotective mother who babies the one that is addicted to crack cocaine and ignores the one who is trying to make something of his life. Great dysfunctional family, so right up my alley. But yet this was an upper movie and less cringe worthy than the movie about ballet. I wish I could type something more profound here, but go figure.

As I can't handle waiting 2 hours for a guy to cut his arm off in 127 Hours, the last movie in contention I will watch before this weekend's Oscars is Winter's Bone. *SPOILER ALERT* George and I settle in to watch it on DVD this weekend. I don't know anything about the movie and wonder what we are in for in comparison to losing a child, watching a marriage crumble, or dysfunctional families with crack addiction.

Well, we have a winner. This movie is set in the rural Ozarks, and the main character is a 17 year old girl, Dee, who is saddled with caring for her much younger 2 siblings in the poorest conditions possible. She teaches them how to shoot and skin a squirrel for dinner among other things. The mom is apparently catatonic and the dad cooks up drugs in a meth lab occasionally. And if you think Melissa Leo disappears into the role as the blue collar chain smoking Lowell, MA boxing mom, these people are THE real deal as it was shot on location. It is very suspenseful as Dee has to find her missing dad because he put the house up as bond money and if he doesn't show up for his court date the house is lost. She travels around trying to find her dad, dead or alive and she is rejected by all persons she comes into contact with and not nicely at that. But strangely I'm intrigued. The girl ends up in a boat in a lake (and it's winter-now you are going to understand the title) with two women telling her where her dad's body is. Here's the kicker, they whip out a chain saw for her to cut off his hands. And not just one hand will do because some outlaws will cut off just one to keep the law from coming after them. This is not where I saw this going. Winter's Bone. Wow.

I'm looking forward to the ceremony. It seems like it will be a little different with Frankoway as the hosts. At first, when they announced the hosts, I thought, huh? And now after seeing a few promo clips, it's more like hmmm, this could be interesting. Hooray for Hollywood.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Journey to Baby

Ten plus years later, I have not forgotten my journey of infertility and I don't think many women/couples do. I looked up and saw this story on The Today Show and tears came to my eyes as I heard their pain, sadness and anger. I completely understand all of it.

When I was going through it, it was terribly hard to find support. My Reproductive Endocrinologist's office didn't even tell me that there was a monthly support meeting at their own hospital so you don't have to guess that there wasn't much of a group. But I did go and sit with the social worker who had experienced infertility. I made the RE's office advertise the meetings and slowly there were about three of us. I find it validating now that when I was fighting then trying build a support group that a Harvard study has recently revealed you are 50% more likely to conceive when involved in a support group.

They handled the whole situation horribly. I will never forget while in the middle of an insemination with my legs in the air, the culmination of weeks of testing and injectables, my RE walks in and starts talking about my insurance fighting them about sperm washes. I was in the middle of deep breathing to relax. I had read that minimizing stress was incredibly important in the process. (It's when I took up yoga) And this yoyo with an MD degree is talking to me about money while the sperm are being delivered inside of me. I really wish I would have told him off, the whole office deserved it. My current self would have assertively told him that it was not the time or place to discuss it.

I eventually found two women who had gone through very similar journeys and were with me every transvaginal ultrasound, blood draw and failed cycle along the way. They knew the nitty gritty of estrogen counts, follicle size, uterine linings and the use of pharmaceuticals. (I had another good friend who had difficulty getting pregnant as well). I can imagine how agonizing it was to go through that with me. Two and three phone calls a day and so many tears. I am still grateful. When I went to the hospital recently with my abdominal pain, I was brought back to those good ole' days of ultrasounds while staring at the black and white screen. The radiology tech thought I wanted to have a baby because I was so interested in the follicles.

The funny thing is where I am now with self acceptance, learning to love in a very present way and appreciating the NOW, for a few moments recently I thought, hmmm, the thought of a new baby didn't scare the crap out of me like it ALWAYS does. For a few moments, I thought how precious a new life would be. I wondered what it would be like to not have all of the anxiety and sadness that I had with Riley and to some extent Mallory. Even though George has had a vasectomy, when I have weird symptoms and no period, I freak out that I might be pregnant. But as I had those few moments of bliss and it really surprised me to think I COULD embrace it. And... then.... I thought of the sleepless nights, my forty third birthday coming, the finances...well those blissful moments were over. Maybe it means that I might just hold someone's elses new baby and instead of having PTSD, I can really celebrate with them about their new life. Life is precious indeed.

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Monday, February 21, 2011

"Letting Go" by Louise Hay

I am copying this from a blog by Louise Hay who is a motivational author. I found her a few years back and decided to look to see if she had a blog and this is the one that popped up. I am blown away by these truths so succinctly written that have been on my mind for the last couple of years. I use the words "letting go" all the time to mean different things. I have had to "let go" of people, lifelong ideas - that is the hardest. I have let go many "things" or "objects" in my house that were no longer needed and crowding my vision. This poem seems to cover all aspects of letting go. These are the truths that I am coming to know up close and personal. Some will always be a work in progress.

Letting Go
9/24/10 at 09:45 am BLOG by LOUISE L. HAY

Here’s a poem I wrote some years ago, but it still pertains to our lives today. May you find peace in these words:
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Goodbye Guineas

We acquired guinea pigs many months ago and the return was not what I expected. In my decision making to get them, I blathered on in a blog about having more creatures to love. (Roll eyes) We (and that means me, and if George got home in time) had to feed them fresh vegetables and fruit EVERY day and let them run around in a larger space and clean their cage, yada yada yada. (In hindsight, I think we treated them very well, probably better than most) It became a necessary evil. So before Thanksgiving, I told the girls and George that if we did not interact with "the pigs" more and if they, the girls, did not help, we would look for a new home for them at the start of the new year. Mallory was sad (but was already pushing for a dog (NO!)), Riley was ready for them to go immediately and George thought that we should stick with our the pigs.

George then tried to ingratiate them on (to?) us, and on Thanksgiving Day he let them run all over the house, which was fun momentarily and then we had to catch them. But they STILL needed veggies EVERY day, along with dry food, and hay. I kinda got tired of the fact that they ate better than the rest of the house. They nipped at me when I took them out and they didn't seem to want to be picked up or caught. I know George thought we should follow through on our 5-7 year sentence, but the kids interest fell by the wayside as did my enthusiasm. I would rather battle the kids about other issues than taking care of those pets that weren't "doing it" for anybody. I do think if we had put more time into them they might have been more playful... but it was time to cut our losses. So yesterday, we packed them up after school and delivered them to Petco so they could be adopted. I was sad at leaving them but my decluttering self knew it had to be!!

A new family will adopt Lilly and Brownie and I will no longer want to scream at night when I have ONE more thing I have to do.
One very positive aside, is that our two cats, Morgan and even Princess the persnickety have become much more desirable. They are loving and cuddly. They follow us around and want to be petted. Easier to feed. I've got one curled in a ball next to my as I type.
And my new living room floor is hay free. (Big smile)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Blank Slate

This is what my newly refurbished wood floors look like.

This is what my garage looks like because of my newly refurbished floors.

I am so excited about starting from scratch in the living room, dining room and foyer. I am not going to put anything back in that does not meet with our vision and yes, I guess I have to include George's vision as well. You know, husband and wife aren't always in sync! But we managed to find a new sofa, some chairs and ottoman that I fell in love with immediately and he agreed upon or maybe he just let me go with it? I picked the fabrics in a matter of minutes and it just fell together. I am letting go of furniture pieces that don't fit with the vision and it feels so freeing. Peter Walsh would be so proud. I just wish it went as fast as it does on their show. I do want to be able to park in my garage again, but I will be getting rid of the excess furniture first. And as it has been pretty cold around here, the sooner the better.

A blank slate feels so good. I am continuing to clean out other stuff in all parts of the house and the feeling is cathartic. I am still amazed that I continue to get so much pleasure from it. Maybe it won't ever wear off?! I hope not. Time to go get after it some more.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Fiber, My Friend

These are a few of the medications that I used two weeks ago to combat abdominal pain that ended up being diagnosed as diverticulitus. There was a trip to Urgent Care and then George and I spent quality time in the ER overnight as I underwent all kinds of fun tests. The radiology tech thought I was way too interested in the size of my ovarian follicles, and might be interested in baby making. I had to explain that it was just going down memory lane for me to look and measure my follicles from our infertility days.

During this experience, I was reminded that antibiotics given to improve your condition can kick your behind even worse. Migraines, dizziness, nausau, metallic taste, stuff. But I also learned to ask friends for help and they obliged. Some even offered themselves up without me asking. I couldn't drive to pick up my kids or actually take care of them and I had wonderful friends step in. I was so thankful and humbled. Mmmmwwwaaahhh.

Yesterday in the CVS aisle, while I am in the process of learning how to treat my colon better, I deliberated about choosing the best fiber supplement. Who knew there were so many types of fiber products? I had not anticipated having to do this at age 42...but what are you gonna do? I chose the fruity chewables, will see how it goes.

Aging, it's a fun, fun thing. I also will be having my first colonoscopy in a few weeks. We need to make sure that my colon infection was actually diverticulitus which would be the best case scenario at this point. I had been hoping for an ovarian cyst but that fell through. So I will clear things out to get an even better look at my colon. I will report on the experience for you.

Monday, February 7, 2011


Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.
Attributed to A Course in Miracles

Saw this on FB and it stopped me in my tracks. We should not be looking outside of ourselves for validation, love, approval. It's all within. And when we love overselves, we are more able to freely give of ourselves. Funny how that happens.

And then, God is there in the cracks when we let him in. Wow. This is what I have been learning through therapy and in all of my explorations. I love this journey and all of the little tidbits that I pick up. It is fascinating and fulfilling for me.

I have realized in the last year how many barriers I have built up from childhood on. Ways that I though were "normal" but now I am purposefully changing. The lessons to change them are hard and painful but also enlightening and freeing and it all boils down to LOVE.

I am so hard on myself. I am unforgiving and perfectionistic with myself and especially about how long this process is taking. I come to understand my issues intellectually and think bingo, that's it, I'm done...but alas the problem is that I then have to then FEEL my way through them emotionally. And I realize this mountain was built over the course of 40+ years and it is going to take time to plow through it. I'm still eating through my emotions at times. October, November and December were just crazy busy and didn't allow me to take time for myself at all. January started off with more of the same but now it is February and projects are slowing down, GaGa is relatively stable for now. The more I take care of myself and nurture myself, the more at peace and the more I have to give to those I love. Finding the balance, finding the barriers and experiencing the LOVE. That's what life is all about.