Sunday, June 27, 2010

One Day at a time...

It's not just a tv show from the 70's.

The author Geneen Roth describes her own journey to a healthy relationship with food and was asked how long it took to get "there?" The mysterious, elusive place of eating when only hungry and stopping when full. She says at first it was like having a visa and visiting at certain times and now it has come to be permanent for her. I get that. I am well into my second year into an intentional journey with wellness with food (which addresses ALL of your issues!) In my journey after much struggle, I was having such a great visit, an active visa and now I feel like my visa has been misplaced for the last couple of days. I did something very disloyal in my mind, I defriended my mother on Facebook. I told her I was going to do it (by messaging of course) and then did it. Bam. It had been coming for weeks.

Yes, you three to five loyal readers who already know this, I did defriend my mother. I had to. I needed to disengage from my whole family of origin. I have been doing so with my parents very slowly. I needed to have boundaries. My sense of self was too enmeshed in them. I have been figuring out who I am away from them and that is such a big deal. Some people become independant in the teenage years, some never, I chose age 41. I feel disloyal talking about them but it is hard for me to "golightly" dancing around the truth. This blog has been a huge tool for me to express myself, have a voice creatively and cathartically. Geneen also talks about loyalty and to whom or what we feel loyal to and why and to just question that. Loyalities that were created years and years ago that still exist without thought, and as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?"

I sent my mom a sincere positive message recently and I knew exactly how she would respond which was very sad but also very freeing. It was my permission slip to let go and to know what I have discovered about our dynamics was dead on. I know she and my dad did the best job they could as parents. We all try to do that. I would love to stay in the land of blaming them but that would just make me stay in my muck. I am taking responsibility and I am seeing things so much more clearly having some distance. It is extremely sad, and painful yet SO necessary. I want to be the best parent I can be for my children and I can see the differences in how I'm parenting and the positive outcomes.

Back to the visa. I've been enjoying my visits yet the changes are slow but steady. Small aha moments just keep coming, SLOWLY. The pain and sadness are critical to the journey yet so is the clarity and peace with accepting me for who I authentically am. I am finding my voice. It is difficult changing a worldview and how I look at myself but I am staying intentional. Over the last few weeks, I was actively engaged in noticing my hunger level, eating with enjoyment and stopping when I was full. It was wonderful! I will get back to my Visa. This IS how it works.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Things I know today...

~I like wearing my new pair of reading glasses to play Words with Friends. I secretly have always wanted to wear glasses. I like the way they feel on my nose and ears, even though Mallory said I looked old. Just call me teflon, because that comment just bounced off.
~Even when it is 105 degrees with the heat index outside, I adore when a small hand comes up to hold mine. I ALWAYS think this won't last forever.
~If men had to get bikini waxes, going native would be the norm, because IT IS PAINFUL.
~Cats are intrigued by guinea pigs.
~I have discovered my children like Tuna with the tuna, one without.
~Summer is hot and it feels like a sauna outside and let me say repeatedly how truly grateful I am for air conditioning.
~It takes very small quantities of food for me to feel full now that I have more awareness and connection with my body. I have to eat what my body craves and enjoy every small morsel.
~I am sad RHONY is over.
~The summer is flying by.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My obsession with RHONY

This video parody of the Real Housewives of New York is just priceless. It's also extremely tacky containing f bombs and other non necessary expletives but they do nail the housewives. It actually addresses(?) Kelly's use of an Al Sharpton reference, satchels of gold, and the black glasses she wore while using Alex's kids names to take sexy pictures. How can you not love the pinot grigio IV, Kelly's long orange legs, the Countess breaking out in song and Jill with a muzzle! Now, all three(!) of the reunion shows are over...and only the out takes are left for this season. And there is a reason they were not used in the first place. Sigh...

Well until next season, there is the new Bethenny show which I do like. No cat fights, just funny yet I do miss the craziness. Satchels of gold, Al Sharpton, make lemons out of lemonade. This has got to be scripted.

Monday, June 14, 2010

From scratch??!!

Last Friday, I decided that I must cook something with some fresh LA crawfish as I had bought them and they had been in the fridge for a few days, so it was time. I looked through my recipe books and chose crawfish etouffee, which I don't remember ever making before. I had considered fettucine because I figure the girls would eat the noodles if anything as they are particularly picky, and then I rethought it and chose what I wanted because if they don't eat it, at least I will enjoy it.
I had pledged at the beginning of the year to cook new meals and expose the girls to new foods. heh heh heh, not doing so well with that one as reflected upon the next sentence. I asked Riley if she would like to help me cook, and she looks at me blankly and says, "you are going to cook it from scratch?" I laugh really hard on the inside and smile and say yes, I am cooking from scratch. Well, I made it AND Riley ate 2 servings at supper and then leftover for lunch the next day. I was so excited. Usually when I go out of my way to make something new, the girls don't eat it, and I feel like it's a waste to try but I remember reading that it takes 12 exposures of a new food to acclimate it to the palate. I have time to perfect the recipe.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Brownie and Lilly

A red letter day in the Golightly household, we added three new things to the mix. First I am typing on a brand new Ipad and to wax poetic, this is really so freaking cool. It is a very cool toy. It works out splendidly for me to be able to write on something more compact while sitting in my homeland, Barnes and Noble when I have a sitter during the summer. And a multitude of other uses. I'm rationalizing now...

Secondly, there are 2 more girls in the house...Lilly and Brownie. They are guineas pigs and I am thinking that this "will be the beginning of a very beautiful friendship." They are very interesting little rodent creatures which are higher maintenance than our cats (and whom I hope everyone can just get along). They require guinea food, water, veggies and fruits, AND a little human interaction outside of the cage daily. Could they BE anymore like people? (except the Star Wars noises that they make.) I am hoping that their necessity for fruits and vegetables will increase our consumption as well. That is my goal.

As I considered the extra work, money involved in cage cleaning, food acquiring, etc. I also thought of the rewards. How could it be bad to have more little creatures around to love and be friends with? That is my new way to look at it. Our new friend Cara did a good job of selling them when we visited her and her son's 2 guineas. My girls are funny. They wanted them desperately yet are scared to hold them. This will be a good learning experience and responsibility building. AND the cats are looking a lot more mellow in comparison. Riley and Mallory still jump when Princess the more persnickety cat startles them. I even looked at the cats in a more appreciative way, after the overly excited GP's were running around skittishly in their new surroundings. It's going to be an adventure.

Monday, June 7, 2010

2 New Obsessions...

I have 2 new obsessions. Farmville has fallen by the wayside momentarily. My animals could be dying as I haven't checked on them in 3 days. I started playing Words with Friends on my Iphone. I saw posts about it on FB and signed up but didn't know how to play, now I do. And my phone lets me know when it's time for me to make my move so I have started keeping the phone next to me all the time. I am learning obscure words to make with Q, X and Z. I like to think it IS intellectually stimulating and possibly staving off Alzheimers but darnit I don't have to have an excuse. I like to play. That photo is when I scored 102 points in one move, I don't really know how that happened because that is an obscene score. Can you tell how proud I am?!

My second obsession is RHONY. Real Housewives of New York for those of you out of the loop. One of the characters who is a real person, Kelly, had what looked like a mental breakdown on the show. And they showed it because it's good for ratings. And now the show goes on just like in real life. And I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me, we need a diagnosis!!" and she needs to go for treatment. Of course that is not happening as in real life when people NEED therapy but live in the land of Denial. Yet in the meantime, I found a website of an armchair psychologist (Bachelors) who it dissecting the housewives one by one. There IS a website for EVERYTHING out there.

I am gearing up for the RHONY Reunion show on Thursday where all hell cuts loose. I can't wait. I actually watch this live and I NEVER watch anything live since my love affair with the DVR began. Bravo puts all of the women of the show on two opposing couches (and this season there were 2 teams) and for 8 hours ask them pointed questions while showing the video footage for proof of them behaving very badly. They will edit it into 2 hours long episodes.
This is GOOD tv....
The Real Housewives of New York City - Photos - Sun, Sand and Psychosis | Bravo TV Official Site

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I have a Woman Cave

We are utilizing every square inch of our home. After we moved everything around for the girls to have separate bedrooms, the playroom ended up being the office that has a desk and computer, filing cabinets, a treadmill and a flat screen tv on the wall. The decrepit desktop that is in there produces much hot air and the morning sun shines in when I want to work out, so I put up blackout curtains and try to keep the computer off as much as possible. It is now dark, and quiet in there. After exercising and stretching, I really enjoy being in there even when the kids are at school. I think of it as my woman cave. I like having a dark place to go to. Evidently Mallory does too, she likes being in there with the lights off to watch her tv programs. And yesterday, Riley went in there to watch her program and asked me to turn the light off and shut the door when I left.

There is something in me that craves silence and stillness. I had to learned this about myself in a round about way and first, I fought it. When I would drop the last child off at school in the morning, I would feel so alone, especially if I had no particular plans involving human contact and I was just going home. The need to cry sprang up even though I was ecstatic at being without children. Could you get any more opposite feelings at the same exact time??! I wanted to just get rid of the feeling of loneliness, call someone and talk my way through it. Now I know that I need to acknowledge my feelings, whatever they are, however they spring up, not be shamed by them, or stuff them but let them out and respect them.

I now embrace that alone time. I savor every drop of it especially that there is not much of it in the summer. Acknowledging the feeling, immediately lets it go. It is amazing how that works. It doesn't fester and cause chronic stress. Today is Sunday, I sent the family to church without me. I told George the truth, I need to be in my house by myself. And I do have a sore throat but I must be honest, I may not attend church at all this summer! I have relished the quiet. I watched the second halves of two Oprahs that I have had in the cue for weeks. I took a soothing bath. I listened to part of my Geneen Roth online workshop. I am blogging. So many of my pleasurable centering activities! God IS in this activity. It is spiritual yet not religious. I am so seeing the difference these days.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Highs and Lows of Summer

It is summer. Deep breath. No school schedule. No homework. No rushing to get out the door to get to school on time. No mandatory uniform washing on the weekend. It also means mosquito bites (which I have about 20 on my lower legs at the moment) and chlorine and my obsession with trying to keep Mallory's hair from being dry and green. There is humidity out the wazoo as well as afternoon rain showers which are a wonderful break from the heat. And again- no school schedule so that means I am chief entertainer, organizer, educator, referee, & nurse. There were three meltdowns yesterday for various and sundry reasons within a 2 hour span and none of them were mine, yet it just hit me that I SHOULD have had one. Why you ask? I realized all of the stress that I was feeling about the kids being off for summer, was misdirected. I was feeling worked up and angry It had much more to do with a major issue that I have been working through for the last months and I hit THE wall on it, and now am truly having to accept it. I had a short ugly cry and the release was immediate. I feel much more capable now to move on and tackle my children head on! For days, I felt this burden in the back of my mind and I needed to release it, I just had to wait until it boiled over.

Wow - such a lesson. Geneen Roth speaks of the pain that we avoid (by eating), that we feel we can't handle. I am going through that pain and it is not easy at all, but is SO necessary and it takes time. I CAN handle it and I am feeling so much more peace. I just need to let it out in safe ways. I feel so much better able to handle life now at this moment. I'm ready to make plans, and stay on top of the chaos which you have to do, to survive summer with young kids.