It's not just a tv show from the 70's.
The author Geneen Roth describes her own journey to a healthy relationship with food and was asked how long it took to get "there?" The mysterious, elusive place of eating when only hungry and stopping when full. She says at first it was like having a visa and visiting at certain times and now it has come to be permanent for her. I get that. I am well into my second year into an intentional journey with wellness with food (which addresses ALL of your issues!) In my journey after much struggle, I was having such a great visit, an active visa and now I feel like my visa has been misplaced for the last couple of days. I did something very disloyal in my mind, I defriended my mother on Facebook. I told her I was going to do it (by messaging of course) and then did it. Bam. It had been coming for weeks.
Yes, you three to five loyal readers who already know this, I did defriend my mother. I had to. I needed to disengage from my whole family of origin. I have been doing so with my parents very slowly. I needed to have boundaries. My sense of self was too enmeshed in them. I have been figuring out who I am away from them and that is such a big deal. Some people become independant in the teenage years, some never, I chose age 41. I feel disloyal talking about them but it is hard for me to "golightly" dancing around the truth. This blog has been a huge tool for me to express myself, have a voice creatively and cathartically. Geneen also talks about loyalty and to whom or what we feel loyal to and why and to just question that. Loyalities that were created years and years ago that still exist without thought, and as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?"
I sent my mom a sincere positive message recently and I knew exactly how she would respond which was very sad but also very freeing. It was my permission slip to let go and to know what I have discovered about our dynamics was dead on. I know she and my dad did the best job they could as parents. We all try to do that. I would love to stay in the land of blaming them but that would just make me stay in my muck. I am taking responsibility and I am seeing things so much more clearly having some distance. It is extremely sad, and painful yet SO necessary. I want to be the best parent I can be for my children and I can see the differences in how I'm parenting and the positive outcomes.
Back to the visa. I've been enjoying my visits yet the changes are slow but steady. Small aha moments just keep coming, SLOWLY. The pain and sadness are critical to the journey yet so is the clarity and peace with accepting me for who I authentically am. I am finding my voice. It is difficult changing a worldview and how I look at myself but I am staying intentional. Over the last few weeks, I was actively engaged in noticing my hunger level, eating with enjoyment and stopping when I was full. It was wonderful! I will get back to my Visa. This IS how it works.