Anne Lamott's New Year's Non Diet Missive

From Anne Lamott:  I so needed to read this today.

We need—I need— to have the same little talk we have every year at this time:
I know you are planning to start a diet on Monday, January 1st, I used to start diets, too. I hated to mention this to my then-therapist. She would say cheerfully, " Oh, that's great, honey. How much weight are you hoping to gain?"
I got rid of her sorry ass. No one talks to ME that way.
Well, okay, maybe it was ten years later, after she had helped lead me back home, to myself, to radical self-care, to friendship with my own heart, to a glade that had always existed deep inside me, to mostly healthy eating, but that I'd avoided all those years by achieving, dieting, binging, people-pleasing, and so on.
Now when I decide to go on a diet, I say it to myself: "Great, honey. How much weight are you hoping to gain?" Here is what's true: diets make you fat. 95% of the time. We gain it back, plus 5 lbs.
I may have mentioned several hundred times that I have had the tiniest, tiniest struggle with food and body image for the last--well, life time. Hardly worth mentioning. It is a long story, having to do with childhood injuries to my sense of self, terrible anxiety, and the inability of my parents to nurture my soul: so starving and chastising myself cannot possibly heal this. I hate to say it, but only profound self-love will work, union with that scared breath-holding self, and not a diet that forbids apples, or avocado. Horribly, but as usual, only kindness and grace--spiritual WD-40--can save us.
Can you put the scale away for a week? Okay, then how about 4 days? I have been addicted to the scale, too, which is like needing Dick Cheney to weigh in every morning on my value as a human being. Can you put away your tight pants, that don't actually hurt you? Wear forgiving pants! The world is too hard as it is, without letting your pants have an opinion on how you are doing. I struggle with enough esteem issues without letting my jeans get in on the act, with random thoughts about my butt.
By the same token, it feels great to be healthy. Some of you need to be under a doctor's care. None of you need to join Jenny Craig. It won't work. You will lose tons of weight quickly, and gain it all back, plus five. Some of you need to get outside and walk for half an hour a day. I do love walking, so that is not a problem for me, but I have a serious problem with sugar: if I start eating it, I sometimes can't stop. I don't have an off switch, any more than I do with alcohol. Given a choice, I will eat Raisinets until the cows come home--and then those cows will be tense, and bitter, because I will have gotten lipstick on the straps of their feed bags.
But you crave what you eat, so if I go for 3 or 4 days with very little sugar, the craving is gone. That is not dieting. If you are allergic to peanuts, don't eat peanuts. Have an apple! Have some avocado.
It's really okay, though, to have (or pray for) an awakening around your body. It's okay to stop hitting the snooze button, and to pay attention to what makes you feel great about yourself, one meal at a time. Unfortunately, it's yet another inside job. If you are not okay with yourself at 185, you will not be okay at 150, or even 135. The self-respect and peace of mind you long for is not out there. It's within. I hate that. I resent that more than I can say. But it's true.
Maybe some of us can try to eat a bit less, and walk a bit more, and make sure to wear pants that do not hurt our thighs or our feelings. Drinking more water is the solution to all problems. Doing a three minute meditation every day will change your life. Naps are nice.
I'll leave you with this: I've helped some of the sturdier women at my church get healthy, by suggesting they prepare each meal as if they had asked our beloved pastor to lunch or dinner. They wouldn't say, "Here Pastor--let's eat standing up in the kitchen. This tube of barbecue Pringles is all for you. i have my own." And then stand there gobbling from their own tubular container. No, they'd get out pretty dishes, and arrange wonderful foods on the plates, and set one plate before Veronica at the table, a plate filled with love, pride and connection. That's what we have longed for, our whole lives, and get to create, now, or on the 1st. Wow!
Join me in not starting a diet January 1st. And God bless you all real good, as my pastor always says.

Now, I Want to Pay Attention to My Body

For the last few weeks, it has been on my mind that I want to lose weight.

Yeah...

That.

Again.

I went to a therapist nearly 8 years ago for that.  LOL.  And I never lost weight, I gained weight.

But I found myself.  I dug into my childhood, and my thought processes.  It was not pretty, it was painful and I grieved.  I also found out that I need to be authentically who my higher power made me to be.  I discovered that this higher power is a loving God and began the work of letting go of fear and embracing LOVE instead.  Mindfulness became a practice. And, oh so many areas of learning along the way.

But now I need to focus in on my relationship with food and my body, which is my relationship with...myself.

I listend to some podcasts by Brooke Castillo and I was ready to hear them.

So here I go.  I don't know what this will look like, but I need to pay attention, be curious and not be judgemental.  And learn to sit with feelings, and to change my thoughts in regards to those feelings.  I have been doing this in practice with other people and things and now it's time to zone in on my body, myself.

Here we go.

The Way I Look At Myself in the Mirror

The truth is the mirror has always been a really hard place.  And I NEVER, EVER, NEVER thought it would get any easier.  Yesterday, I read a sentiment of a female looking at an old picture of herself and she wondered how had she thought she was heavy at the time of the picture.

I've done the same thing.  I thought I was heavy in high school, and college, and in my thirties, etc.  And in the past, I have looked at those pictures and thought, wow, if I could only be at that weight now.

I could fly with that weight.

So evidently, in my teens, the body image distortion was already in place and thriving.  Negative thoughts about myself were abundantly flowing.

I have been wanting to really write about body image for 2-3 years now, but something has been holding me back.   I feel like I shouldn't have a voice because my BMI is higher than I would want.  Yet, I have been in groups of thin and average sized women recently and was startled to hear complaints that they are fat, and worried about how their clothes look, and they shouldn't be eating this food, etc.

Body image distortion (and issues with food) are abundant and pervasive.

And I think, "Well, I'm not the only one."  And then my critical self thinks, "Yes, but you do have some weight to lose so you have no right to an opinion." In years past, I felt it was necessary to announce to anyone that would listen, that I knew I needed to lose weight and how I was working on that.  It makes me shudder to think that I thought so little of my self.  The self that an abundantly loving divine presence made.

And Love is the answer after all.

After many diligent years and intentional work of learning to love myself unconditionally, the result has been a shift in my core belief and the thoughts in my head.  

Weight does not equal self worth.  I am not my weight.

Ohhh, I've hit a nerve.  Tears sprang to my eyes when I wrote that.  Coming to this truth has been so hard.  My therapist says body image is one of the issues that takes the longest to heal.    It's a booger.  (smile)  If you look at any media, there it is.  We as women, at every turn, are told we need to lose weight, look younger, defy aging, have larger breasts, etc.  That is one of the reasons I avoid commercials, among other things.

One way that I know that I'm healing my body image is by putting on a form fitting long gown and going out to a formal occasion.  This was a huge step.  I have done it a few times in the last few years and it was uncomfortable each time, I hesitated to go.   Yet at a point during the evening, I think, wow,  I'm having such a great time how can that be?   Even though there's more of me than I would like.  Am I allowed to have fun even though my dress size is double digits?  Am I allowed to have fun even though the local boutiques don't even carry something to fit me? 

Absofuckinloutely.

(Pardon my French, the point just didn't seem the same without the swear word - Thanks Mr. Big!) 

Another way I know I'm healing is my yoga practice.  I have been choosing to go to yoga because my body wants to move.  (or walking, or bike riding, or turning on the music and dancing!)  I have to be very careful about making myself do any particular activity because "I'm supposed to."  As I have worked to diminish the crappy "supposed to" thoughts in my head, I have learned my body tells me pretty much every day that it wants to move.  And I'm hearing it and responding on most days.  And it feels delightful, empowering, joyful and strengthening.  So different than when I did it because I was "supposed to."  It's coming from a much healthier vantage and one that I look forward to instead of dreading.  (And my body will also tell me what food it needs for fuel as I have shed the diet mentality and supposed to's in that area as well.)

While practicing yoga in different studios, there tend to be large mirrors.  Form fitting clothing works best for yoga.  I unconsciously or consciously refrained from going many times because of the fear of the mirror, or what others would think, etc.   Here's the flummoxing part: in practice at a mirrored studio, in my head with my eyes closed, I feel lean and strong.  And then I open my eyes and the mirror does not match what's in my head.  This startled and shocked me the first few times it happened and it still does even now but to a lesser degree.

As my body has wanted to move and I listen, I have been practicing more regularly and moved up to the harder class.  Through this repeated exposure, I've been making friends with my appearance in the mirror.  Slowly, ever so slowly, over time, the thoughts that I'm not enough have been fading and ones that I am enough as I am have been forthcoming. And even with aches and pains here and there in my body, over time, the predominant feeling that has been emerging is one of strength.  The practice of yoga is not only strengthening my body, but my mind and my spirit.  It feels so freaking good to move through the positions, and it feels like a solid flow, as well as shaky, sweaty, catching, breathing hard and muscles aching.   I try poses even for just a few seconds that my head tells me I can't.  I hold that harder position and my body and mind grow.  The I can't begins to fall away.

I am flying in this body.

Namaste.

Intuitive Eating 101

This is from a FB page called Evolved Eating and it came from the blog at the end:  

This speaks to me so much!!




The “Healthy Version” of Intuitive Eating

There is none.

THERE IS NO “HEALTHY VERSION OF INTUITIVE EATING”. Don’t do it. It will backfire.

Wanna know why? Because what you are really saying is: I am going to try and, like, trust my body. But I, like, can’t ever really trust my body. Obviously, so I’m gonna like fake trust it and, like, listen to it but only let it eat, like…. healthy foods.

No!

Your body will know what you are doing. And the part of your mind that you think you are tricking will know what you are doing too!

You cannot do the healthy version of intuitive eating, because intuitive eating is the healthy version of eating.

And it is healthy, even if you are eating lots of brownies.

It is healthy because it is free and curious and pleasure based.

It is healthy because it takes your eating controls away from your mind, and gives them to your body.

It is healthy because even if you are craving foods that you decided before were “not healthy” (or that anyone would tell you are “not healthy”), letting go of fear of food is immensely important for mental health.

Mental health is immensely important for physical health.

Learning to trust your body is the healthiest thing you could do.

But not even that, the idea is to neutralize all foods. Cravings have less power when they are allowed. Irrational cravings do not exist when they are allowed. They become neutral.

Your body knows what it needs. Your body needs calories. And your body needs to know it can eat.

Intuitive Eating is not about eating the smallest amount possible. Or being “so in tune with your body” that you only need to eat celery and goat keifer and sunlight.

No, intuitive eating allows you to EAT. For God’s sake EAT. Eat the things that nourish you and please you. The things that make your mouth water and that you only let yourself eat in your dreams.

That is the food your body is asking for.

And anyway, you’re never gonna really crave Kale til your body and mind both believe that it can also eat cake for dinner whenever it wants.



http://thefuckitdiet.com/blog/

Seven Pounds and a Palpable Shift

Monday morning I went to my primary care doctor for a regular wellness check.  I was weighed and I looked.  Some experts in intuitive eating advise not to look at the number, not to weigh every day.  I knew I had gained some weight because I could feel it in my clothes, but I found out in a hard number.  I went home, I was tired from our wonderful trip to New Orleans over the weekend.  I picked Annie up at the vet where she was boarded and took her for a walk.  I rested.  By late afternoon, the feelings of devastation gripped me.  I had gained seven pounds since my last doctors visit at the end of 2011.   This put me into a massive tailspin.

It's all I could think about for the next hours.   And the next day,  all I could think was, I don't know how to overcome this.  It is the opposite outcome of what I have been diligently trying to do.  I have been doing very hard internal work.  I have learned to feel my feelings which has not been easy whatsoever.  I have learned to have boundaries with people.  I am learning to accept myself for who I am.  I am learning to accept other people for who they are.  And this goes on and on.  The ahas have been coming for several years now in so many profound ways.

I went to therapy.  I sat down and told her we had fertile ground to work with.  And then as the hour progressed, questions were asked, tears flowed and the message was received, my self worth does not depend on my weight.

Self worth does not depend on my weight.

I cried and let out the disappointment of the situation.  I cried about the shame.  I cried about the sadness.

After the so called "negative" feelings flowed through.  (And that is another topic - all feelings are okay, we determine them to be negative.)

As the tears dried...

A palpable shift occurred.


(Palpable: so intense so as to be almost touched or felt.)


Devastation magically turned into relief and tiredness.  Fighting the feelings takes more energy than allowing them to flow through.  I went about the rest of the day lightened.  My mood, my outlook and then energy returned to my body.  It was a freaking miracle.

All of the inner work I have done over the last four + years culminated in me believing that my feelings were acceptable but the facts in my head were not true.  I had to have some massive groundwork done to be able to walk away and have that much of a shift in perception and for it to stick.

My self worth as a person does not depend on how thin I am. This is not the message that I receive over and over again on a daily basis in our Western Culture but I can choose to change my thoughts and know that I am more than my dress size, house, car, jewelry, or any other external fact about me.

The feelings of inadequacy will come again, when my clothes feel tight, when I can't find something to wear or I just have a bad day.  I will again remind myself to let the feelings flow and redirect my thoughts.   I have been in therapy for a while, and I think there is something wrong with me because it's taking so long.  I have begun to let up on those thoughts because that is my ego talking.  I do know how incredibly beneficial it has been for me to be in therapy and this particular experience is the ultimate proof.

I believe that this weight gain will have positive ramifications.  This feels like a turning point.

(Thank you to one of my friends for using the words palpable shift when I described what happened!!)

Intentionality

Today, I tried something new which I have been avoiding. You know that idea that makes sense and their is a tugging that you should do it but you let it go because you are not ready to go "there" yet. I sat and ate my breakfast without any media device along with it (or people.) No television, no lap top, no Words with Friends. It wasn't an especially remarkable experience because it didn't take me long to eat my breakfast, and Mallory came into chat and I could hear Phineaus and Ferb in the background the whole time. But I started and that was the point. Baby steps. More focus on the food that goes into my mouth. I have come a long way but still have to be intentional, every day. Twenty four seven.

This work towards healing my relationship with food (code for healing my relationship with myself) is so hard. At times it is such a struggle. Right now I feel a little stuck and I know why. I actually know that I have made HUGE strides but the struggle continues and that is what is important. Intentionality. It is SO important to keep going. One of the things that I realized is that the difficulties will keep coming and they do. I had an "interesting" (that's code) powerful phone call from someone important recently and I am still processing it. It was wrapped ugly, but I was able to do something that I had been wanting to do for a LONG time and the "ugly" gave me the opportunity that I could not do on my own and I took it. It wasn't perfect but it finally happened.

The difficult "stuff" keeps coming, it's how I handle it. How I stand up for myself, how I frame it. I have to think out of the box. Let go of the old loyalties and keep the new ones, feel the emotions that I want to run from. I will make mistakes, other people will make mistakes and I will keep going. I just don't want to use food anymore.

Sitting with the Feeling on Independence Day

The theme of this past week has been about pain. Feeling the pain, accepting the pain and breaking that pattern of eating when not hungry. Today is the Fourth of July. Happy 4th! Independance Day. I'm sitting with feelings that I would like to avoid but they're here. Starting new traditions and letting go of the old is hard. For all the years I can remember, I have celebrated holidays with my family of origin, and that has changed bit my bit. Now, I celebrate with the family that I originated, just the four of us and our menagerie. There is some sadness, some freedom, and some peace. I don't have the big ugly cry waiting to come out but there are sad feelings that want to permeate my consciousness.

So I sit with them. I clean. I pick up. I look after my older daughter who has mild fever. I play Words with Friends. I plan for our vacation next week that I am SO looking forward to. Maybe I will sit in my closet for a few moments of meditation. I await hubby and younger daughter to come home from church. I think I need some endorphins. I have my running shoes on and I'm hitting the treadmill. I'm feeling the feelings but moving. I have a tendency towards inaction and despair. I used food yesterday to cope, today I don't want to do that. I want my visa back. I will be gentle to myself, I will be nurturing, that is what I need most.

One Day at a time...

It's not just a tv show from the 70's.

The author Geneen Roth describes her own journey to a healthy relationship with food and was asked how long it took to get "there?" The mysterious, elusive place of eating when only hungry and stopping when full. She says at first it was like having a visa and visiting at certain times and now it has come to be permanent for her. I get that. I am well into my second year into an intentional journey with wellness with food (which addresses ALL of your issues!) In my journey after much struggle, I was having such a great visit, an active visa and now I feel like my visa has been misplaced for the last couple of days. I did something very disloyal in my mind, I defriended my mother on Facebook. I told her I was going to do it (by messaging of course) and then did it. Bam. It had been coming for weeks.

Yes, you three to five loyal readers who already know this, I did defriend my mother. I had to. I needed to disengage from my whole family of origin. I have been doing so with my parents very slowly. I needed to have boundaries. My sense of self was too enmeshed in them. I have been figuring out who I am away from them and that is such a big deal. Some people become independant in the teenage years, some never, I chose age 41. I feel disloyal talking about them but it is hard for me to "golightly" dancing around the truth. This blog has been a huge tool for me to express myself, have a voice creatively and cathartically. Geneen also talks about loyalty and to whom or what we feel loyal to and why and to just question that. Loyalities that were created years and years ago that still exist without thought, and as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?"

I sent my mom a sincere positive message recently and I knew exactly how she would respond which was very sad but also very freeing. It was my permission slip to let go and to know what I have discovered about our dynamics was dead on. I know she and my dad did the best job they could as parents. We all try to do that. I would love to stay in the land of blaming them but that would just make me stay in my muck. I am taking responsibility and I am seeing things so much more clearly having some distance. It is extremely sad, and painful yet SO necessary. I want to be the best parent I can be for my children and I can see the differences in how I'm parenting and the positive outcomes.

Back to the visa. I've been enjoying my visits yet the changes are slow but steady. Small aha moments just keep coming, SLOWLY. The pain and sadness are critical to the journey yet so is the clarity and peace with accepting me for who I authentically am. I am finding my voice. It is difficult changing a worldview and how I look at myself but I am staying intentional. Over the last few weeks, I was actively engaged in noticing my hunger level, eating with enjoyment and stopping when I was full. It was wonderful! I will get back to my Visa. This IS how it works.

"Women, Food and God"

I have found a new book by Geneen Roth entitled, "Women, Food and God" Well, isn't that just THE trifecta for me. This is an author that was recommended by my therapist and I realized after buying a different book by her that I already had a copy of it. The self-help bookaholic that I am, evidently bought it years back and never read it. I wasn't ready to take on the issues. A few weeks back, I was listening to the "Soul Series" on XM and the conversation sounded a lot like what my therapist has been telling me about food. (It's not about a diet, it's about the emotions, eat what you crave, learn to stop when you are full, yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, sounds soooo easy) Well, lo and behold, it was Ms. Roth on the radio and this new book was mentioned. (And now it is on the cover of "O" magazine with a byline that says Oprah has finally solved her food issues. I have wondered why Oprah had not become aware of Ms. Roth's work sooner with all of her resources.)

In my journeys as of late, I have been getting similar messages from different sources, using different words but it all points to the same thing. Stop and be still with yourself, allow God in the small cracks that are there. And get at what is underneath your emotions. What I have been reading with Geneen and I'm now 7 chapters in, is that the obsessions that we have (food in my case) are our way out of the present moment, because we unconsciously believe the pain is too much for us to bear. In case this sounds like a load of crap to you, I do understand your disbelief. I have been underlining passages in this book on each page like crazy because it makes so much sense to me now. I think if I had not been in the therapy process for the last year and a half, (yes I must be a slow learner), I would not "get it" now.

I recently spent several months grieving "what is not." Situations in my life and from my past that completely shaped who I was, that weren't working for me anymore, I grieved and am accepting. It does feel like a weight has been lifted. I have been seriously changing my worldview bit by bit with small aha moments of clarity. One of the consequences of this new world view and going through that grieving process is and I quote from Ms. Roth, "a lightness of being that enthralled me." She also uses the words, "unruffled peace, everyday holiness, and ease of being in body, mind and heart." I have felt lighter, even though my weight hasn't dropped. I didn't know I had such heaviness that was weighing me down so much.

As I was reading, I was amazed by the fact, that Ms. Roth teaches meditations in her retreats that focus on breath. Okay, that's not the amazing part, it is that she focuses on the belly. Okay, that's not it either, it's this, she goes on to say, bellies are the center of our body and the center of our grounding. I quote from her, "When you ignore your belly, you become homeless." Hmmmm. (Yoga also teaches the same thing in terms of chakra's I believe) And this is the thing, I know I have written a blog or two about this topic, of listening to my gut. I have been onto something.

There is some irony here because the last few weeks for some reason, my youngest daughter has been repeatedly telling me that she loves my stomach. To me this is strange, but she's four, so I'm rolling with it. What do you say back to that? I love her stomach too? My stomach is my least liked part on my body, that is where the extra weight has collected the most. As she keeps repeating this to me, I have begun telling her that I love my stomach too. I will love my stomach and not ignore it. Mallory has been bringing my attention to my belly for me!! There is an OLD SOUL in that beautiful child. Her lovely sweet innocent spirit is bringing me a really important lesson.

Feeling quite discombobulated yet...

I haven't posted in a week. Today I am feeling totally discombobulated, frustrated and I'm thinking it is hormonally related. I have so many loose ends going on - we moved three rooms of furniture around this weekend. The girls now have their own room, and we moved the office stuff in with what use to be the playroom with a treadmill. So, the closet contents need to be moved, wall hangings need to move, and there are 4 shelves of books on the ground in the dining room. "Books on the ground, looking like a fool with my books on the ground...."

The desktop computer is now in super slow mo since we moved it (and I don't know how to fix it) and it is Dunham online re-enrollment time. After entering the information on the registration page three different times!!!, it finally went through, yet now it won't print a hardcopy which I need to complete the process by the 5th of this month. Aaaarrrgggghhhh.
My Nook E-reader stopped working which has the book I am currently reading with my Sunday group. I hassled with those folks on the phone this morning and need to mail it back.
I have piles of "things" that need to go to my donation center, to consignment, and I'm trying to figure out storage for DVD's and CDs. Lots of piles. Not to mention the girls' scrapbook and materials spread out all over the dining room table as well.
I decided to let go of my cleaning lady - who could only come at 2 in the afternoon and there was a language barrier. I couldn't deal anymore. Luckily, my original lady is available again and she charges less but I get a little less.
So here I am in discombobulation, a very uneasy place for me to be, thank you hormones (I do know that there are worse places to be in but this is what I'm feeling today.) I use to get really paranoid and irritated at this PMS time of my cycle but now I'm working with it...if I feel sad, I cry. If I feel angry, I let myself feel angry. I journal. I'm allowing the emotions, and respecting them which is something I have not done in the past. I am nurturing myself and evidently I NEED this..
AND.....even with all of this discombobulation, I'M NOT TURNING TO FOOD FOR THE ANSWER!!!
This is HUGE. I'm not sure how long it will last but for about the last week, I have been eating when I'm hungry and what I really want and desire to eat. I am sitting down and enjoying my meals (most of the time!) and stopping when I'm full. There is the desire to eat more some of the time yet something seems to have clicked and I think, "I'm not hungry I need to move on." So I've been getting on Farmville which is a nonsense game on Facebook. It's a distraction until I get a better one and Riley likes to do it with me. Perhaps all of this long, painful work that I have been doing is finally coming to fruition when it comes to my eating. It has come to fruition in subtle changes of my world view but I have been painfully waiting for it to come around to my eating. Woo Hoo!!!! I am more ecstatic about this than even if the Saints win the Super Bowl but I'm not telling my Facebook friends because they seem to care a lot about this game. And I'm not ready to trust this behavior yet. Perhaps I don't trust myself?!
Okay, time to let go of the other stuff, I will get to each of these tasks in order of importance. It will get done....eventually. The piles will go to the proper places. Deep breathe. Thank you for reading, it is Little Gym time.

Letting go...of the clothes

Cleaned out the Master Closet with the help of the girls on Monday. I was primed and ready to let go of clothes. And then I began feeling sad, as I was letting go of the memories. But mainly the sadness was from the nice clothes that no longer fit. I have now learned to pay attention to the emotion. It doesn't change the fact that I am letting go of the stuff, but that it is okay to feel sad.
But getting rid of the "stuff" helps me with my vision. The vision that includes an active and healthy body and mind that will eventually and naturally get to the weight that I will become accustomed to. He he he... Also the vision of a more clean, less cluttered home which is in metamorphasis as I am!!




I really wanted to purge more than I purged the last time and I DID. This time when I came across the dress that I have saved since before 1993, it went in the GO pile. It was from my first formal date with George. The thing is there is no reason to keep it, so let's have fun with it. Mallory wanted to try it on. And the girls tried on other things as well and we had the music going. It was the party to let things go.

Losing weight isn't everything

I have been in therapy for over a year with the intention of finding out what my weight problem was about. It feels like it has been forever, but I realize that you get out of what you put into it like many things. I went with the purpose of losing weight and drum roll please.....I GAINED weight. I didn't know this ahead of time but it is part of the process and was to be expected during the "make food legal" period which was what I needed to do.

After two different commercial diet programs, the diabetic diet after my PCOS diagnosis and years of reading about nutrition I had not allowed myself to eat many foods that I had determined as being "bad", or at least not eat them and enjoy them. I would end up eating some of them binge style but had guilt out of the wazoo.

When I was on the diets, I drove George crazy when it was time to go eat at a restaurant, as I had to find the one that offered plain salad with grilled chicken or some other dietish food. That is just no way to eat, especially in South Louisiana. It is still hard in certain instances to enjoy food that use to be labeled, "bad" or a poor choice. But I'm making much progress.
At Halloween, I thought oh no, there is going to be candy in the house, and then I stopped and thought, there already IS candy in the house. I have kept M&M's, peanut butter cups, and Snickers in here by order of the nutritionist. Early in therapy, she asked me what my favorite foods were and I had a hard time answering. Especially when it came to sweets because I didn't allow myself. That was kinda sad. I have really been exploring foods and knowing what I truly like, and what I can leave by the wayside. I have also become high maintenance when ordering in a restaurant, that use to seem rude to me, but now I know what I like and how I like it and...I deserve it.

It is funny now that "bad foods" are in the house ALL the time...drum roll please, they don't call to me like they use to. Hmmmmm.

I did have to buy bigger clothes and that was more than a year ago. Letting the size numbers go was painful. I vividly remember getting in to certain sizes when I lost weight with my LA Weight Loss diet. I despised that place. Loved the results until I gained them back, but hated talking nutrition with "counselors" who knew only one spiel. (I never knew how to spell spiel until now...I have always liked that word!)

At present, I have rolls on my body where I don't like them. Months ago I glanced in the mirror during yoga at the Y, and thought who is that person? I just didn't recognize her. But the answer to that is, I have been finding out slowly month by month. There are parts of me I have known for a while, but there are other parts that I'm learning to love. Accepting myself as I am. Let me stop here for a moment. This is so HUGE! (and sadly one my favorite words to say I think is now Paris Hilton's but I digress.) Going hand in hand with accepting myself is not worrying what other people think. So freeing.

I had an experience of going to the same holiday party at a friends house a year apart and both times I had to go by myself as George was working. I remember the feelings of inadequacy, insecurity last year and I was bigger and had to find dressy clothes to wear. This year, I went, ate what I liked, had a cocktail, visited with whom I wanted to and left. It was wonderful, except wearing the high heels, which I have to let that go too. Having that same experience a year apart to compare was very eye opening for me.

So losing weight isn't everything. What IS EVERYTHING, is the acceptance of myself as I am. I believe the weight will take care of itself eventually and I'd so much rather be where I am now than where I was in years past.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone...

It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm never up at this hour. NEVER! But I guess things are on my mind. I came to a pivotal moment in understanding my life's journey last week. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year and working on my food issues. Well, anyone who knows anything about weight issues, it's not about the food... And for some reason, well not for some reason but actually all of the work I have done to come to grips on a myriad of my issues, I can see clearly now. And this song just popped in my head.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me down
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day

Oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day

Look all around there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead there's nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day

I LOVE music. You can find the right song for just the right feeling. It feels as though the writer of this song many years ago, knows me intimately at this moment. It fits so perfectly. I know that it will not all be sun shiny days or blue skies, but at this moment, I can SEE now. I am standing in amazement that I do see the obstacles that have been there for a long time and even though I received no new information, I am seeing things in a new way. And it has taken me a year to do so, because therapy is slow and not easy but for me and most people who undertake it, it is so freeing. When you get to the place of accepting, peace is not far off. It's all of the long and painful work that got me to the point of knowing what I need to do to repair. I got to the point of being able to process the information I already knew. I am a "why" person, I keep asking questions until I understood why. This time, I was searching for an answer to a different problem and an answer that I had read years before made complete and utter sense to me NOW.


AND the weather has played right along with me, as it was bright and beautiful this past weekend after a week (really month) of a very rainy October. I have felt lighter in spirit, not as hungry, literally. I feel like I have had a HUGE AHA moment after many small aha moments over the last year and in previous years. I spent time alone with my girls as I always do (George was on call this weekend after being gone all week to a conference) and it wasn't draining as it can be at times, it was lighter, easier, more enjoyable, I had more patience.
The bad feelings have not disappeared, but they are dissipating.

Diets Don't Work

I am still seeing my nutritionist on a weekly basis and it is hard work. It is unlike any experience that I have had with a nutritionist, dietician or diet center. I hate to even put the words diet center in that same line up because I respect trained and educated nutritionists & dieticians even though they put me on DIETS WHICH DON'T WORK. Can you tell I have had bad experiences at diet centers??? When I do manage to get to my body's natural weight whatever that is and am comfortable, I am going to scream from the mountaintop, DIETS DO NOT WORK. Well, I am screaming it from the vantage of this blog right now.

Now the kicker is, watch who you talk to about your new eating plan as a lot of people will not understand it. I know there will be some who might but many will not. Now are you sitting down and ready to hear what the first step of my nutritionist's plan is? The first step of my work is to think about what I really really want to eat and sit down, eat it and enjoy it. Yes! No formula but to eat what you want to eat. That is unheard of in the billion dollar diet industry especially in the month of January after New Year's Resolutions but then there is a hitch and that will come later.

The point is that I have many forbidden foods in my world. I have made many foods illegal, so illegal that I couldn't even tell the nutritionist what I craved. I have not allowed myself to enjoy food. Thus what I end up doing after I have deprived myself of something that I really want is that I then overeat on other food until I am completely stuffed. This process is very shaming, and I feel out of control and then feel guilty. So I am learning to enjoy food and it is actually quite hard to do. And I've gained weight which is normal in the process, but is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. Yet I'm holding on, monitoring my hunger and keeping with it.

A recent conversation with an acquaintance in which she first said, "You, want to lose weight?" (as in she didn't think I needed to lose any) I tried to explain that I have had to buy new clothes in a larger size because I've gained weight and I don't feel comfortable. I then realized that the person I was talking to is a large boned woman who is an inch or two taller than me and even more solid than I. I have very thin wrists and ankles and the weight that I am carrying does not feel right on my frame. I am practicing yoga and I'm squishing parts of me together that shouldn't have to. I don't feel like myself in this skin. I realize her not wanting me to lose weight has more to do with her than with me. As I tried to explain in brief that I was learning to enjoy my food as I hadn't in the past. She then said in a snickering way, "So you are paying her to tell you that you can eat cake." In a word, yes. There was no need to try to explain any further to her. Later than afternoon, I felt myself get really irritated. She was basically making fun of this very serious topic for me.

The bottom line is that again, this has more to do with her than with me. I truly know that I'm on the right track. It's a very slow track which at first takes me in the opposite direction that I want to be in. But I know intrinsically that I'm on the right track. Diets felt so depriving. I despised, hated, loathed going to the weigh ins at LA Weight Loss, Jenny Craig and years before at Weight Watchers. I knew those counselors didn't understand what was going on. They knew the diet and that was it. I knew it went much deeper than just a diet. It is a lifestyle, it is enjoying foods in moderation. And now, here is that hitch. I have to get at the reason why when my stomach feels full and I'm no longer hungry and I've meet my body's dietary needs for the day, why do I continue to eat? That is so painful and addressing that is at the core of the matter. I have to find those answers myself. I have to feel the pain of whatever is making me relieve my stress by eating.

Another major part of this is that I want my two beautiful daughters to love their bodies and I want to eat properly in front of them as an example. I have to learn to do it for myself first and then I can model the appropriate behaviors. And again, I will scream from my blog, DIETS DON'T WORK!!!

Oh, I have discovered M&M's have been one of my forbidden foods. As well as popcorn at the movies. So as I'm on my trek to see all of the Oscar nominated movies, I will have popcorn and M&M's while I am enjoying the show. It is hard work but someone has to do it. And then that hitch, I have to stop when I'm full which really doesn't take long, but I'm learning to enjoy every morsel one bite at a time, slowly.

Oprah and I on the same page..wow

I listen to XM Radio - pretty much exclusively the Oprah channel all the time when I'm in the car and am able to listen (kids) and I most often enjoy it. (The 80's channel has just not been good lately.) Today is the kickoff for Oprah's Best Life Week on her tv show. Today's focus on the show is weight. She fell off the wagon and has gained 40 lbs. She also had a thyroid diagnosis. For some perverse reason, it makes me feel better that this very accomplished, powerful, influential woman also has a weight problem. That is a small side of my personality that I'm ashamed of. But it makes me realize time and time again, that people in the spotlight are just people who make more money and sell magazines, but they have some of the same problems that everyday people do.

I was reading Oprah's column about what she knows for sure in O Magazine and she is no longer focusing on the weight but she is focusing on: optimum health, getting support when she needs it, finding ways to nurture herself, deepening her spiritual connection and having some fun. OH MY, those were also the same things on my list. I really didn't have a list but I am doing nearly all of them. I'm on the same page with Oprah, maybe I will have a network soon!!!
I am no longer weighing myself through my nutrionist's advice and am working on letting that go. I'm getting the support I need. (ie. nutritionist) I do try to nurture myself and starting this blog was a major step for me. It is very cathartic to put it all out there whether anyone is reading it or not.
I am a spiritual person and have done a lot of work to let some of my past beliefs transform to my beliefs and this is a wonderful accomplishment and ongoing. And I'm learning to have fun. A couple of days ago in my living room, I turned on my favorite HSM 3 song by Zac Effron (Troy Bolton) and just danced to my hearts content - making it to the end of the song and out of breath. Riley sat and watched me and after she said, "Mom, you're a really good dancer." Priceless. Freestyle dancing that is, maybe it was all of the viewing of the Solid Gold dancers... I also totally enjoyed beating George's record on the Wii fit - ski jumping thing. Competition can be a great motivator. I just kept doing it until I got it down. And that is the thing about life, just keep doing it until you get it down right and moving with the roadblocks. There are always going to be setbacks. With a little help here and there, brushing one's self off after getting off track and then that new network is waiting. Set a goal, and the possibilities are endless.

A New Year, it's time to Go Lightly

The second day of 2009. It sounds monumental but it's actually the next day after the first day of the new year, which followed the day before that and so on. In that pattern, what has to change other than the calendar is my attitude, my outlook, my verve. I had to look up verve which Merriam-Webster defines as liveliness of imagination. I like that. My imagination needs to be "livened." I have never been a think outside of the box person but in the last couple of years, I'm coming around to it and learning how. It's a skill that has to be acquired. It is a handy tool to have in the toolbox of life.
I'm presently sad that my clothes don't fit, and I'm trying to think out of the box on this one and how to embrace it. I'm embracing the parts of me that I don't like right now. I am working on my clothes fitting better as I'm seeing a nutritionist and she is helping me come to a healthy relationship with food. It's a difficult journey and I sense it will take time and then that weight is just going to fall off...ha ha, not really but in time slowly . I'm going to move more and figure out how to stop eating when I'm full. It's a complicated process for me as it is for a lot of people.
My nutritionist says diets don't work. I knew that after the last two diets I did back to back in 2 years with short term results. I knew something was wrong with the process but what? It was unbearable to deprive myself. So this is my new path out of the box and I know I'm on the right one and it's just going to take time. And I have become accustomed to our culture of immediate gratification. A diet is immediate gratification in the mind but for me in time the weight comes back, so no diet.
Now to think out of the box and embrace my curves, ignore our media obsessed culture of teeny tiny bodies, etc. I am who I am. I could get all Stewart Smalley and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Which is actually what I've learned that I need to do. Really. I just have to love myself for who I am. I have curves, I will never be a size 2. There are some boutiques, I will never shop in and that is okay. My body does a lot of nice things for me. It gets me through the day and is relatively healthy right now. That's a huge positive. That is something to be grateful for. It even got me through a mini-triathlon in May(I managed to get that in, didn't I!!!) I like to look nice but I don't really want all of the focus of my life to be about superficiality. Right now, my main job is my children and they don't care what I look like. They just want me to love them and spend time with them. I'm learning that what is important is on the inside. Really. So outside of the box I go and I've got other things to do like to figure out how I'm going to move today and what to fix for supper.