My First Aerobics Class Since 2008

I stepped out of my comfort zone this afternoon.  And I say Hallelujah every time I do this in large and small ways.  I attended a zumba type dance class.  I have not attended any type of "fitness" class other than yoga in many years.  I can tell you exactly when I walked away.  The scene is perfectly etched in my mind.  I see it.

It was 2008 and it was a horrible Muscle Works Class at a local gym.  I wrote about it on June 13, 2009 entitled "Nightmare in Muscle Works"  The instructor was a meanie.  I just reread what happened and I forgot some of the interaction that went on between she and I.  I don't do well with meanies.  Life is too short to deal with people that are negative and condescending.  It was such a defining moment that I walked away from ever attending another class like that for nearly 8 years.

At that time, I did decide yoga was my pathway for class settings but even that was in a very tepid, careful way.   And I LOVE YOGA and what it does for me.    I have had a love/hate relationship with "exercise" for a long time and I'm coming out of it.  That class or rather, that teacher made me feel inferior and discouraged about exercise classes, and I let her.  But yoga helped me work through it.

I realized tonight that I let that one person affect me dramatically.  There were plenty of other classes and teachers and gyms.  Yet, that is okay.  This was supposed to be my journey.

Found a picture on FB! That is me all the way to the left.

So this afternoon, I went to a Refit dance class taught by a teacher and another parent from my children's school.  I have been watching another Facebook friend post about the Refit classes she teaches for a couple of years now.  I was probably invited to attend one but it never entered my mind, that I could DO the class.  It looked somewhat appealing but in my head, I said, I can't.

That is so sad.

But I feel differently today.  I needed to walk away all those years ago.  I needed to practice yoga and develop a healthier relationship with exercise.  I am learning to listen to my body and know that it likes to move.  Not every single day but movement has become joyful moreso than "I HAVE to do this."  My body is a temple and I want to take care of it and that is sinking in more and more.  When I was resistant to going even to yoga, which I have been doing for fourteen years, my friend says she looks upon it as a massage.  I had never thought of it that way.  That is sinking in too.

Now, I WILL be sore for the next few days.  I can already feel some muscles feel like jello.  But it is great to move unused muscles and there is ibuprofen after all.

So, I plan to make another class soon and keep trying. It will take some time to learn the moves but it was fun.  It was a wonderful way to move my body with music and other women and no meanies.

Namaste.

The Way I Look At Myself in the Mirror

The truth is the mirror has always been a really hard place.  And I NEVER, EVER, NEVER thought it would get any easier.  Yesterday, I read a sentiment of a female looking at an old picture of herself and she wondered how had she thought she was heavy at the time of the picture.

I've done the same thing.  I thought I was heavy in high school, and college, and in my thirties, etc.  And in the past, I have looked at those pictures and thought, wow, if I could only be at that weight now.

I could fly with that weight.

So evidently, in my teens, the body image distortion was already in place and thriving.  Negative thoughts about myself were abundantly flowing.

I have been wanting to really write about body image for 2-3 years now, but something has been holding me back.   I feel like I shouldn't have a voice because my BMI is higher than I would want.  Yet, I have been in groups of thin and average sized women recently and was startled to hear complaints that they are fat, and worried about how their clothes look, and they shouldn't be eating this food, etc.

Body image distortion (and issues with food) are abundant and pervasive.

And I think, "Well, I'm not the only one."  And then my critical self thinks, "Yes, but you do have some weight to lose so you have no right to an opinion." In years past, I felt it was necessary to announce to anyone that would listen, that I knew I needed to lose weight and how I was working on that.  It makes me shudder to think that I thought so little of my self.  The self that an abundantly loving divine presence made.

And Love is the answer after all.

After many diligent years and intentional work of learning to love myself unconditionally, the result has been a shift in my core belief and the thoughts in my head.  

Weight does not equal self worth.  I am not my weight.

Ohhh, I've hit a nerve.  Tears sprang to my eyes when I wrote that.  Coming to this truth has been so hard.  My therapist says body image is one of the issues that takes the longest to heal.    It's a booger.  (smile)  If you look at any media, there it is.  We as women, at every turn, are told we need to lose weight, look younger, defy aging, have larger breasts, etc.  That is one of the reasons I avoid commercials, among other things.

One way that I know that I'm healing my body image is by putting on a form fitting long gown and going out to a formal occasion.  This was a huge step.  I have done it a few times in the last few years and it was uncomfortable each time, I hesitated to go.   Yet at a point during the evening, I think, wow,  I'm having such a great time how can that be?   Even though there's more of me than I would like.  Am I allowed to have fun even though my dress size is double digits?  Am I allowed to have fun even though the local boutiques don't even carry something to fit me? 

Absofuckinloutely.

(Pardon my French, the point just didn't seem the same without the swear word - Thanks Mr. Big!) 

Another way I know I'm healing is my yoga practice.  I have been choosing to go to yoga because my body wants to move.  (or walking, or bike riding, or turning on the music and dancing!)  I have to be very careful about making myself do any particular activity because "I'm supposed to."  As I have worked to diminish the crappy "supposed to" thoughts in my head, I have learned my body tells me pretty much every day that it wants to move.  And I'm hearing it and responding on most days.  And it feels delightful, empowering, joyful and strengthening.  So different than when I did it because I was "supposed to."  It's coming from a much healthier vantage and one that I look forward to instead of dreading.  (And my body will also tell me what food it needs for fuel as I have shed the diet mentality and supposed to's in that area as well.)

While practicing yoga in different studios, there tend to be large mirrors.  Form fitting clothing works best for yoga.  I unconsciously or consciously refrained from going many times because of the fear of the mirror, or what others would think, etc.   Here's the flummoxing part: in practice at a mirrored studio, in my head with my eyes closed, I feel lean and strong.  And then I open my eyes and the mirror does not match what's in my head.  This startled and shocked me the first few times it happened and it still does even now but to a lesser degree.

As my body has wanted to move and I listen, I have been practicing more regularly and moved up to the harder class.  Through this repeated exposure, I've been making friends with my appearance in the mirror.  Slowly, ever so slowly, over time, the thoughts that I'm not enough have been fading and ones that I am enough as I am have been forthcoming. And even with aches and pains here and there in my body, over time, the predominant feeling that has been emerging is one of strength.  The practice of yoga is not only strengthening my body, but my mind and my spirit.  It feels so freaking good to move through the positions, and it feels like a solid flow, as well as shaky, sweaty, catching, breathing hard and muscles aching.   I try poses even for just a few seconds that my head tells me I can't.  I hold that harder position and my body and mind grow.  The I can't begins to fall away.

I am flying in this body.

Namaste.

Yoga in the Mirror

I think I have taken yoga out of the "diet mentality" zone.

A few months ago in therapy, we talked about exercise and how sometimes at the same time as breaking free from the diet mentality, people will give up exercise.  For me it had been placed in the "supposed to" category.  Not good.  When you take diet mentality to the extreme I did and it becomes a way of life to restrict, fail, binge, and mentally deride yourself into shame over and over again, it makes sense.  I struggled with exercise in the same way as food.  In the same way that I knew I should be dieting, I knew I should be exercising because it's good for you.     Yet the instruction from my therapist was to move in actions and ways that feel good.  The directive was to find joy in movement.

I have been feeling a little more called to the mat lately.  I have been going to yoga because my body was calling me too!   I started by just getting on the floor at home and holding positions.  I worked up to a 15 minute DVD at home on occasion but this is the ugly process, I would deride myself and think,  "It's just 15 minutes, that's nothing, you should be doing more."

It takes a long time to stop that voice.  

When I do go to yoga, there are mirrors at the Y in the exercise room.  (I think yoga classes should not have mirrors but this is gym and not a yoga studio. )  As I have been contorted in positions instead of standing up straight, I see flesh in my middle area that I would not rather see and was actually shocked by my appearance in the beginning.  I work very hard to find clothes that do not cling to my body.  I think I have some form of body dysmorphia because the image in the mirror does not match with what I feel or think in my head.  I have been looking at this mirror at this Y in this way for a couple of years.  On Friday, I looked in the mirror and felt disappointed.  I thought I really need to shake this up.  I closed my eyes and FELT MY BODY.  I thought to myself, this exertion feels SO good. I feel the strength of my arms as it holds up my body.  As I confidently and smoothly flowed from pose to pose, I thought this feels good.  (Well, smoothly on most of the poses!) And then I opened my eyes again and thought this body with it's extra flesh IS DOING THIS.

This was just a moment but it was a beginning.  I need to consciously repeat this thought process.

I am beginning to understand how much work my body does for me but all I do is criticize it for it's appearance and compare it to others.

I think in that one moment of appreciation, I was practicing body self acceptance.  I hope to build on that.

Demi Moore's Struggle and Self Acceptance

As Demi and Ashton's breakup has been in the news for a while now and her frail physique has been shown and then the announcement that she was in rehab, I was surprised. I had forgotten whether or not she had been in rehab before yet I did remember that she looked so physically strong in GI Jane. She looked so confident in the movie when she was a stripper (yes, I watched it!) and then when she wore THAT black bikini in Charlie's Angels 2.

And then I remembered she is an actress. Her life's work is to make us believe the persona she is portraying on screen. And this was my aha: looks can be deceiving. Underneath that muscular facade, she may not have been as strong as she looked. And now looking at the bikini picture again with different eyes and a new perspective of loving my body as is, she looks thin and frail.

Demi made a comment in a magazine article that was on the news that was very sad.

"I would say what scares me is that I'm going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I'm really not loveable, that I'm not worthy of being loved. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me." The addiction specialist being interviewed said that this message was full of shame and I understand that.

I am so glad that I am waking up to the fact that I am loveable no matter what shape or form I am in. Our bodies are just the means through which we move through life, and are not to be judged. I am learning to unconditionally love my body and my inner self.

I am slowly learning that I can pass these positive messages on to my daughters. If I don't then they will accept what outside sources do. They will have bombardment from the media and commercials telling them what they should look like, etc. It has taken me time to learn to pass on positive messages to them. I had to learn to appreciate myself before I could pass it on to them. Today, we are going swimming after school in January at an indoor pool because I am learning to love to move my body again and they love the water. I love the water and it feels so good.

Somehow I had begun to think my body wasn't capable of much more than Beginners Yoga and treadmill walking every now and then. I do have to treat it tenderly and with love because with age comes the very real possibility of injury and I have had small injuries that hurt to walk. But I am taking baby steps and moving and I hope to participate in the Rocketchix mini Triathlon again. It's been four years. I'm have been surprised and how good it feels to move more in mind, in body and in my soul. And to have sore muscles.

I hope Demi can learn to love herself, it's a hard lifelong journey but oh, so rewarding.

Nightmare in Muscle Works 2008

Last year, I attended a muscle works class at the Y. It was a horrible, horrible experience, so horrible I can still recount it all these months later but yet haven't mailed the letter of complaint that I wrote after I regained full use of my mind and body days later. Years ago, I took that same class on a regular basis with a different teacher and a nice group of friends. It was a pleasant experience. The workout was hard but it was manageable. Shoot back to the near present and my stab at Muscle Works 2008.

How and why did I decide to go to muscle works? I ran into another mom heading there and she issued an invitation. I was looking to do something different with my exercise routine anyway, looking for some interaction with other adults while I worked out. Okay, I'll give it a try. Big mistake. These are the things I learned from attending the class:

1-I'm forty now. I was in my early thirties when I did the class on a regular basis. Those years evidently make a difference. I thought I was in reasonable shape. I had completed a mini-triathalon a few months earlier yet I realized the skills of swimming, biking and walk/jogging do not translate to a muscles works class. Each sport/activity uses it's own set of muscles and you can expect soreness whenever you try something new. And even within the same class.

2-The teacher happened to be a mean person. After I joked out loud about taking a break, she noted that I could take a break at 10:30 when the class was over. Alrighty, I have now determined you are a bit**. (And let me tell you it is a rare occasion when I use that word, I don't like the word one bit) She referred to me as the one in the pink shirt, and towards the end, she joked about the likelihood of any of the new people coming back. I spoke up again (!) and said I would probably not and she didn't understand this and said I wasn't optimistic. I said I was optimistic about a lot of things in my life but THIS class was not one of those things. As we lunged the entire parking lot about four times, the invitee said that usually there was a group of ladies who would just walk around the lot instead of lunging. They weren't there that day. My friend who invited me said the teacher was from the north and that was just her personality. I am married to a Yankee, I lived in the north for a couple of years, and this was more than just a north/south personality difference.

3-There were no modifications for a beginner to the class. I now know that I have to make my own modifications. There is something in me and a lot of people, who will just do the whole class at the level of all of the other participants because that is what you are supposed to do, because of our Western competitiveness and then never set foot in the class again because it was too much. I had an informative conversation with an exercise physiologist friend of mine who lives in another state and works in a fitness center and she said the problem is widespread. Persons who are new to exercise, walk in classes and those classes are taught at the level of the instructor and the people who have been attending for months or years. There are no modifications offered and then the newbies never come back.

After the class, for several hours, I felt like throwing up and very weak. My muscles rebelled for an ENTIRE week and it hurt whenever I moved anywhere. I swore I would never do another class. The next week, another friend invited me to a Pilates mat class and I went(!) The experience wasn't as bad, I knew to take breaks and not say anything out loud. The instructor wasn't mean, she wasn't very encouraging either, but in the end she did say in a nice manner, that she hoped I came back. I have since found yoga. I had an aha moment while waiting for a yoga class out in the lobby area where the front desk is. The receptionist commented about how quiet we were while waiting as compared to some of the other classes. I realized while looking around at the waiting participants, that generally speaking everyone was grounded, calm and reflective. This seemed to be an obvious contrast to other classes. When you go in there is no competition, it is within yourself, and that just seems to be the nature of yoga practice and it fits me right now.

In the end, I'm glad I wasn't a beginner and did not walk away from exercise classes all together. I'm glad I kept pursuing it until I found the right fit. I still see the mean teacher as the pilates class I take is right after her muscle works class. But even as she is preening and not paying any attention to those around her, I am thankful to her because I learned a lot from that class and not just that I will never go back. It really wasn't a big mistake, it was a good learning tool to help me find MY fit.