A Little Something to Dream On

 Over the weekend, I engaged George in assisting me to declutter.  Sometimes, I need a warm body for companionship but one with a high reach is always especially helpful.  My main goal was to get the bookcase next to my bed cleaned up as it was overflowing.  There were steps to the process both literally and figuratively. There were hard decisions to be made, this time about books to keep or let go of as well as objects that had special memories but no place for display. As I was trying to find space to move books around, I came across a book in the living room bookcase (as opposed to the bedroom, dining room, or spare room bookcases!)  I immediately knew who it was from. 

It is a small collection of essays about Provence given to me by Aunt Joy, my father's one and only sibling. She passed away in 2003 before I knew exactly how much we were alike.  I am still becoming aware of who I am and giving myself permission to do so.  It has been a reassurance that I was like someone in my family.  Aunt Joy moved away from our hometown of Ethel after high school, went to college for social work and married a doctor in New Orleans.  She loved the arts and to laugh.  Her advice for family get togethers was to avoid discussion of religion or politics.  

She and I would have been okay to discuss politics because I believe we were on the same page, I just didn't know it as clearly as I do now.  

I would have been interested in her take on religion as well. 

The book had an inscription and was dated 1990.  

Something to dream on.  

Provence.   Excitement bubbles to the surface as I thought of our upcoming summer trip. 

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! 

Am I going to Provence? 

We have a European school trip planned for June including France.  Are we going there?!!!  

I run to find the itinerary and I actually know where it is!!

I cannot remember things as clearly as I use to.  And I NEVER thought I would be traveling to Europe... again.  My family went to the UK in July and it was extraordinary.  A trip I will never forgot.  When I think of it, I am filled with JOY.  

I find the papers. 

WE ARE GOING TO PROVENCE! 

How thrilling!  This is a huge God wink and I take it in.  Thirty three years later,  and a present from the past comes alive again.  A wonderful time to remember my aunt, to remind me to laugh, and to Dream. 

How many dreams do I have now?  It seems like I stay more concerned with surviving and working to stay peaceful in my heart and mind.  This is a wonderful check to ponder dreams. I have dreams for my children but what I am dreaming of for myself.  At times, I don't feel worthy, but in this particular instance, this book and this trip, is totally kismet.   

Also, dreams don't have to be grand.  They can be quietly purposeful.

Namaste

Aunt Joy with her grandson Jack around June 2002 on a riverboat in New Orleans.  I would have been pregnant with Riley due in October 2002.

This picture was taken outside of her home on 39 Lark in New Orleans. From left to right, My brother (in chair) Aunt Joy, cousin Kay, myself, and my mom and dad.  The date is sometime in the late seventies? 

Feelings, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa Feelings

In lower and middle school, I took piano lessons.  When I quit lessons, there were just a few remaining songs that I could sit down and play by memory.  "The Rose", "You Light Up My Life" and "Feelings" were the emotional songs that I sat down and belted out every word.  I think there was a Barry Manilow in the repertoire as well, of course! {giggle}

I'm finding the irony of how enamored I was with those heart wrenching sentimental songs and where I am now.  I have come full circle.

Somewhere along the way from childhood on and most especially after a terrible bout of Postpartum Depression, I shut down allowing myself to experience a full range of feelings or what I like to now call by the proper name of energy.  Feelings are just energy, plain and simple.  Society and those persons closest to us, tell us not to cry, not to be angry and ignore the anxiety and Just Do It.  It's both a natural reaction to cry but also it seems to try and stop someone from having an emotional catharsis.  How many times have you seen someone apologize for making someone cry or apologize for crying oneself and then making a joke about it?  It can go to the extreme though, as a good portion of America now numbs itself with compulsions or addictions.  Nowadays, there are more compulsions that you can shake a stick at.  The old standards are still there: alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, cleaning, exercising and newer ones with that have crept in with technology, all so we can avoid ourselves and the emotional energy that naturally comes up in life.  We are turning away from ourselves (and the Divinity within).  And it takes a lot of practice to turn towards oneself again.

For years, I have been listening to a marvelous teacher named Mary O'Malley, a therapist in Washington State.  In interviews, videos, and articles, Ms. O'Malley states that in essence befriending and being curious with the compulsion is the way through, not trying to fight it head on but rather using curiosity and compassion.

Curiosity and compassion towards myself? Are you kidding? How contradictory is this to the message from the diet industry which owns my compulsion:  restrict, and deny yourself through eating.   As then there is the Western mentality of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and white knuckling through whatever. 

I have been missing the curiosity and compassion component for years even though I had heard of it. I had no idea of how to do it.  I figured out I needed to feel my feelings so I started gutting myself through all of them.  I learned that anger is a sign that boundaries are being tread on and so I took different actions with certain people.   I faced anxiety and deep sadness head on.  I cried buckets, and sat with discomfort that I wanted to escape from more than anything.  A true bonus though, was learning that joy was in this mix of energy too.  I began to feel utter joy from simple encounters with my family, friends and nature because when you turn away and numb, you numb everything.

What Ms. O'Malley points out is that we judge our energy (feelings) and that keeps us in the vicious cycle.

I JUDGE MYSELF FOR HAVING THE ENERGY THAT COMES!

I'm screaming this because I need that to sink in as I practice acceptance. 

She describes four kinds of movements in regards to energy.  The first is anger that I'm not getting what I want.  The second is fear and I'm getting what I don't want.  The third is despair/sadness that I will never get what I want.  Lastly, Mary says the glue that holds them all together is judgement.

We want to escape the anger, sadness, fear and we try to think ourselves out of the shame, guilt and whatever else is associated with it.  In my head, I think so very many derogatory thoughts of myself.  Why am I feeling this way, no one else is?  I need to get over this.  I am so pitiful.  What can't I be stronger, etc. etc.  I beat myself up.  Let's just pile it on. That will make things better. NOT.

Ms. O'Malley does a brilliant in depth explanation of the next step and more in her book, The Gift of Our Compulsions, if you are so inclined.  I had a simple event recently that highlighted the act of compassion towards myself.  I know Mary knows what she is talking about but knowing and experiencing the phenomena are two completely different things.  Both of my kids went off in different directions for the first week of summer.  Four years ago on a Sunday,  I watched Mallory drive off on a bus towards camp, a destination 6 hours away for the first time, and I cried uncontrollably.  I couldn't contain it, and I couldn't pull it together to attend church.  Four years later, we were going to church on another Sunday, yet Mallory was already gone to Texas and we were going to be bringing Riley to catch the bus for a weeklong mission trip. As I got dressed that morning, I immediately experienced a strong wave of "I've got to cry" sadness.

And then something brilliant happened if I do say so myself.  In that wave, I immediately accepted the fact that I was going to cry my eyes out and deemed that it was okay.  NO BIG DEAL. I packed up makeup to refresh myself so that I could go to church.  And I went on with my morning and the sad wave of energy passed.

I didn't resist the energy, or judge it.  I know how much I love my girls and I'm watching them grow up and be independent, which I didn't learn until my forties.  Four years ago,  I was probably crying for my own self who was scared of everything and transferring it to Mallory. She was totally fine and excited. But it doesn't matter why I cried.  This time,  I ACCEPTED IT.  My goal here is self acceptance and love.

Energy comes and goes. Learning compassion and curiosity towards myself, opens my heart to those around me and in the world.  It's my new practice.

Feelings, whoa, whoa, whoa feelings.  Again in my heart.

Namaste.

Hits and Misses

This morning as I eased my way out of bed in a fog and the darkness of the newish Daylight Savings time change, I looked down and noticed I missed stepping in cat hairball throw up by mere inches.

Hits and misses

In my best Debbie Reynolds' "Singing in the Rain" interpretation..."What a lovely morning!  Good morning, good morning, We've talked the whole night through, good morning, good morning to you!"

There is a significant chill in the air on this March morning in south Louisiana. One that I celebrate and adore before the heat and humidity begin kicking in all too soon.  I love that I have to put on George's long heavy robe to bring the dogs outside.  I take them in the darkened back yard as the sun is barely coming up on the front of the house. I had to turn the outside lights on to be able to see.  Annie has done her business on the right side of the yard and receives her expected treat.  I have been training Brinkley to go as well.  We are on the left side of the pool near a dark corner.  As I am straining to see whether his leg has been lifted,  I look up and notice the beautiful moon shedding a faint light in the darkened sky.  It took a few seconds to orient that it was the moon!!

I check his leg and I gaze up again at the moon, trying to experience it's magnificence and I'm startled by the sight and the sounds of by a flock of birds flying in formation which the view of, had been previously blocked by our shade tree.  Breathtaking!  I look down again and there's dog poop on the patio.

Hits and misses

This is life.

There is unexpected beauty while dodging dog poop.  I may not be awake enough to catch it every time but when I am, it's always a thrill like it's never happened before.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Some days, I have no energy from running here and there or in place with whatever is necessary in mine and my family's life.  My mood is low and I feel I'm not enough.  I used to be scared of these kinds of days. I have now become accustomed to the fact that those feelings will flow and my energy will return and my mood will rise.  And sometimes, the next day I will wake up more rested and ready to spot the light of the moon and hear the unexpected honk of the birds in flight and marvel and miss the dog poop and celebrate.

Namaste.

My First Aerobics Class Since 2008

I stepped out of my comfort zone this afternoon.  And I say Hallelujah every time I do this in large and small ways.  I attended a zumba type dance class.  I have not attended any type of "fitness" class other than yoga in many years.  I can tell you exactly when I walked away.  The scene is perfectly etched in my mind.  I see it.

It was 2008 and it was a horrible Muscle Works Class at a local gym.  I wrote about it on June 13, 2009 entitled "Nightmare in Muscle Works"  The instructor was a meanie.  I just reread what happened and I forgot some of the interaction that went on between she and I.  I don't do well with meanies.  Life is too short to deal with people that are negative and condescending.  It was such a defining moment that I walked away from ever attending another class like that for nearly 8 years.

At that time, I did decide yoga was my pathway for class settings but even that was in a very tepid, careful way.   And I LOVE YOGA and what it does for me.    I have had a love/hate relationship with "exercise" for a long time and I'm coming out of it.  That class or rather, that teacher made me feel inferior and discouraged about exercise classes, and I let her.  But yoga helped me work through it.

I realized tonight that I let that one person affect me dramatically.  There were plenty of other classes and teachers and gyms.  Yet, that is okay.  This was supposed to be my journey.

Found a picture on FB! That is me all the way to the left.

So this afternoon, I went to a Refit dance class taught by a teacher and another parent from my children's school.  I have been watching another Facebook friend post about the Refit classes she teaches for a couple of years now.  I was probably invited to attend one but it never entered my mind, that I could DO the class.  It looked somewhat appealing but in my head, I said, I can't.

That is so sad.

But I feel differently today.  I needed to walk away all those years ago.  I needed to practice yoga and develop a healthier relationship with exercise.  I am learning to listen to my body and know that it likes to move.  Not every single day but movement has become joyful moreso than "I HAVE to do this."  My body is a temple and I want to take care of it and that is sinking in more and more.  When I was resistant to going even to yoga, which I have been doing for fourteen years, my friend says she looks upon it as a massage.  I had never thought of it that way.  That is sinking in too.

Now, I WILL be sore for the next few days.  I can already feel some muscles feel like jello.  But it is great to move unused muscles and there is ibuprofen after all.

So, I plan to make another class soon and keep trying. It will take some time to learn the moves but it was fun.  It was a wonderful way to move my body with music and other women and no meanies.

Namaste.

How I Relate To Bruce Jenner

(This was written prior to Caitlyn's unveiling yesterday - so Bruce is still referred to as a he.)

A few weeks back, I came home from a wedding and sat on the edge of my bed watching the recording of Diane Sawyer's interview with Bruce Jenner earlier that evening.  I was mesmerized.  It was so well done.  Bruce was finally able to tell his truth without interruption and with compassion and a little education added in from Diane.

I've watched him on the Kardashians.  I was done with it until Bruce began emerging in his truth.   I was interested in him (I remembered him as the Olympic champion - hubba, hubba) but as I watched him through a few seasons, he was not who I thought he would be.  He was much more passive but also seemingly sensitive, kind and loving.  He was the sane one.

He told his story to Diane so fluidly as obviously it was sixty-five years in the making.  That is a long, long time to wait to speak your truth.  On a different level than gender identity, I identify where he is coming from in terms of being true to one's self.   For me, it's about staking my place as a left leaning Christian living in a Bible Belt South Louisiana.  I grew up surrounded by guns, camouflage, LSU Football, attending church revivals, and nary an examination of feelings anywhere.  And later on, my dad had either Fox News, football, or a Western blaring in the background. None of it sat well with me.

I can tell you what I'm passionate about.  I LIVE to examine who I am and my thought processes!  It makes me giddy. That is when I feel closest to God because when I am quiet and let all of the other thoughts and distractions go, that is when I am able to recognize the eternal loving presence always INSIDE of me.

And Jesus is the biggest consciousness person out there.  Be still and know that I am God…from Psalms. He was all about renewing the mind. And renewing the mind is about working on your thought processes.

So I don't identify with things that are really celebrated around me yet I am absolutely passionate about my consciousness journey.  And it has taken me to my forty-sixth year of life to really own it.  It's been done in baby steps.  I did touch upon it in May 2009, entitled "Uncomfortable Religious Moments."  It was very truthful for me to write it yet I worried about acceptance from those around me (even though I told no one and just posted it to the world wide web!! LOL)   Over time it has sunk in that I can't worry about those around me, I have to be true to my own soul.  And that's how I identify with Bruce and wish the best for him.  It is going to be strange to see him as a woman, but the strange factor is overtaken and overruled by knowing I have to be who I am and allow those around me to be who they are.

So on a certain level, I understand what Bruce has been communicating ever since the Diane Sawyer interview.   For me living in a really Red state where Governor Bobby Jindal is issuing executive orders against LGBT, LSU Football reigns  and Duck Dynasty is celebrated, this does not sit well with my soul.  Until the last decade or so, I didn't even examine who I was enough to know where I stood because I was so fearful.  I went along with the crowd because I was too scared and it feels very isolating and lonely to step out on my own.

But it is not for me to go with the flow anymore.

If you are not aligned with your soul, the world is a pretty miserable place to live in.

And when you allow yourself to be who you are, as hard as that is, the universe rises up to meet you and you eventually find your tribe and it feels so right and LOVING with your soul and God.  I know, this is where I am supposed to be.

Namaste.


P.S. I used a lot of black and white language (right and left)  in this blog to get my point across.  The media paints the picture of right wing, left wing, red state, and blue state.  I don't think people fit in these categories as neatly as I used in the examples. And I don't think we are as divided as it appears or feels.  At some point, I had a big aha that my higher power was the same God that others believed in.  We just have different rules and language which seem to create a big divide. Well, and the fact that they think I'm going to hell doesn't bother me anymore.  {grin}

The Way I Look At Myself in the Mirror

The truth is the mirror has always been a really hard place.  And I NEVER, EVER, NEVER thought it would get any easier.  Yesterday, I read a sentiment of a female looking at an old picture of herself and she wondered how had she thought she was heavy at the time of the picture.

I've done the same thing.  I thought I was heavy in high school, and college, and in my thirties, etc.  And in the past, I have looked at those pictures and thought, wow, if I could only be at that weight now.

I could fly with that weight.

So evidently, in my teens, the body image distortion was already in place and thriving.  Negative thoughts about myself were abundantly flowing.

I have been wanting to really write about body image for 2-3 years now, but something has been holding me back.   I feel like I shouldn't have a voice because my BMI is higher than I would want.  Yet, I have been in groups of thin and average sized women recently and was startled to hear complaints that they are fat, and worried about how their clothes look, and they shouldn't be eating this food, etc.

Body image distortion (and issues with food) are abundant and pervasive.

And I think, "Well, I'm not the only one."  And then my critical self thinks, "Yes, but you do have some weight to lose so you have no right to an opinion." In years past, I felt it was necessary to announce to anyone that would listen, that I knew I needed to lose weight and how I was working on that.  It makes me shudder to think that I thought so little of my self.  The self that an abundantly loving divine presence made.

And Love is the answer after all.

After many diligent years and intentional work of learning to love myself unconditionally, the result has been a shift in my core belief and the thoughts in my head.  

Weight does not equal self worth.  I am not my weight.

Ohhh, I've hit a nerve.  Tears sprang to my eyes when I wrote that.  Coming to this truth has been so hard.  My therapist says body image is one of the issues that takes the longest to heal.    It's a booger.  (smile)  If you look at any media, there it is.  We as women, at every turn, are told we need to lose weight, look younger, defy aging, have larger breasts, etc.  That is one of the reasons I avoid commercials, among other things.

One way that I know that I'm healing my body image is by putting on a form fitting long gown and going out to a formal occasion.  This was a huge step.  I have done it a few times in the last few years and it was uncomfortable each time, I hesitated to go.   Yet at a point during the evening, I think, wow,  I'm having such a great time how can that be?   Even though there's more of me than I would like.  Am I allowed to have fun even though my dress size is double digits?  Am I allowed to have fun even though the local boutiques don't even carry something to fit me? 

Absofuckinloutely.

(Pardon my French, the point just didn't seem the same without the swear word - Thanks Mr. Big!) 

Another way I know I'm healing is my yoga practice.  I have been choosing to go to yoga because my body wants to move.  (or walking, or bike riding, or turning on the music and dancing!)  I have to be very careful about making myself do any particular activity because "I'm supposed to."  As I have worked to diminish the crappy "supposed to" thoughts in my head, I have learned my body tells me pretty much every day that it wants to move.  And I'm hearing it and responding on most days.  And it feels delightful, empowering, joyful and strengthening.  So different than when I did it because I was "supposed to."  It's coming from a much healthier vantage and one that I look forward to instead of dreading.  (And my body will also tell me what food it needs for fuel as I have shed the diet mentality and supposed to's in that area as well.)

While practicing yoga in different studios, there tend to be large mirrors.  Form fitting clothing works best for yoga.  I unconsciously or consciously refrained from going many times because of the fear of the mirror, or what others would think, etc.   Here's the flummoxing part: in practice at a mirrored studio, in my head with my eyes closed, I feel lean and strong.  And then I open my eyes and the mirror does not match what's in my head.  This startled and shocked me the first few times it happened and it still does even now but to a lesser degree.

As my body has wanted to move and I listen, I have been practicing more regularly and moved up to the harder class.  Through this repeated exposure, I've been making friends with my appearance in the mirror.  Slowly, ever so slowly, over time, the thoughts that I'm not enough have been fading and ones that I am enough as I am have been forthcoming. And even with aches and pains here and there in my body, over time, the predominant feeling that has been emerging is one of strength.  The practice of yoga is not only strengthening my body, but my mind and my spirit.  It feels so freaking good to move through the positions, and it feels like a solid flow, as well as shaky, sweaty, catching, breathing hard and muscles aching.   I try poses even for just a few seconds that my head tells me I can't.  I hold that harder position and my body and mind grow.  The I can't begins to fall away.

I am flying in this body.

Namaste.

Letting Go Tom Cruise Take My Breath Away (for just a moment)

Oh, how I loved Top Gun.  I caught it on cable yesterday just in time for the volleyball scene.

Yes, that volleyball scene.

Lucky me!!

This is one of my favorite memories of movie watching in the 80's.  I don't remember who I was with or where I watched it but I so enjoyed watching these guys jump, dive and high five especially Slider.  (I had to IMDB him to see what he has been up to...) And is it a coincidence that my husband has a resemblance to Iceman...  Hmmm.  This scene  as well as Jake standing by the car in "Sixteen Candles," Morris Day and The Time singing The Bird in "Purple Rain" and way too many moments of "Bull Durham"are cemented in my brain from high school and college as pure happiness.

Yet in the last years, I have had a hard time watching anything with Tom Cruise in it that I loved before - and there were many.  Cocktail anyone?  It's amazing how even bad movies can be good when you are a teenager.    Tom disappointed me so with his rant against Brooke Shields and anti-depressants.  I was actually enraged.  As a person who really suffered with postpartum depression, his belief system and platform infuriated me. Yet I am beginning to mellow.    I almost changed the channel but then decided why not watch it.  I looked it up just now, it's been seven years since his rant on the Today Show.  And Tom still looks unhinged in the footage.

Watching "Top Gun" nearly thirty years later is amusing.  In hindsight, I can see that Tom was a little too cocky for me.  Some moments of dialogue make me want to cringe.  But how can you turn your back on some awesome Kenny Loggins' soundtracks?!  At my ripe age, Viper has even gotten more attractive.  How did that happen?

I think that for me to enjoy life to the fullest now,  I have to let go of everyone else having the same opinion as me or allowing myself to be close to someone with a different political or theological mindset.  I use to be so uncomfortable and off put when someone had a different opinion as me and now that is fading.  I was distressed  because I didn't feel like it was okay to have my own opinion much less OWN it fully.  Now that I am feeling more secure in my skin and self worth is rising, it is easier and easier to allow others to be themselves (AND more importantly for me to be me!)  It's a work in progress.

So now I can let Tom Cruise take my breath away for just a little while reveling in the 80's and it will all be o-kay.

Namaste.

The Puppy Story

Watching a Lifeclass with TD Jakes and Oprah.  It is like being at the best church revival ever AND EVEN I want to say AMEN.  And that is saying a massive amount of HUGE for me to want to be in a fundamental church and listen to his style of speaking.  But what he is saying is so dead on and thoughtful.

He tells a story about a female dog that gets hit and loses use of both of her hind legs. She gives birth to puppies who are perfectly healthy.

The puppies drag themselves because that is what they see their mother doing.  That is what is modeled for them.

They are perfectly healthy.

Oh my.

This speaks volumes to me.

You learn from whom you are surrounded by.  Do you like the message you are receiving?  Do you like the story that you tell yourself about who you are which repeats itself unceasingly day in and day out?  Is this who you authentically are?

Hmmmm.

Amen!

That's All There Is To Say

I've Got Other Things to Think About...

At the end of last week, I was down on myself.  These spiraling thoughts come and it seems like I can't stop them and it feels like they will never go away.  It's about weight and size and while I'm in the middle of it, it feels like the end of the world.  And then sadness sets in.  And I want to fight to get out of this SO much.  Yet "fighting" it just prolongs the temporarily massively uncomfortable feelings.

As I drove to my therapist's office for my regular scheduled appointment, I felt the heaviness that something needed to be expressed but I wasn't exactly sure what it was. I bring up the body image feelings going on, and I'm advised that there must be a disconnect going on.  A disconnect as in,  all is not well with my soul, (or my sense that on a general level I'm o-kay).  When this disconnect occurs the first place that I attack is ME and I start JUDGING myself unmercifully!
I watch a tv show and think, wow, that woman is so thin and I'm not.  And I see my body and think horribly judgmental things about it.


So back at therapy,  I bring up a few issues and I guess that combined to make a disconnect.  This is the thing, I can't prevent these feelings from coming (which is what I want to do!) I just have to warmly embrace the feelings of wanting to escape who I am for a few days!!

I can see when the judgmental attack of myself is over that it was just a blip and it lasted a few days.  The feelings come and if I just tend them with care and curiosity (Thank you Mary O'Malley)  as to why they came, they dissipate. (And there doesn't have to be an answer to the questions of curiousity either.)
But paying attention and being curious will bring me to areas that I can attend to.  And if I had a job outside the home, with job performance reviews, they would be called "Areas of Growth Opportunities!!"

I use to have these negative body thoughts on a regular basis throughout the day, but that is ceasing.  So I was surprised that they came up with such a vengeance.  It's always a surprise, but this is the journey all along.


In the meantime,  this is what I will practice.  This stunned me when I read it, because I don't do this very well.

Namaste

Sara Bareilles: Brave

This song is so good it makes me want to cry.  I love the words and I love the music!  It makes me think of Brene Brown too!

"It's Their Problem, Not Yours"

I'm so ecstatic, I had an aha moment.  You see the kids are home for summer and it's been all maintenance, no preventative work! There has been no time for thinking, writing or aha moments.  But I watched just a few moments of actress Diahann Carroll on Oprah's Master Class and I was reminded of a fact.

Oh no, I just lost it...

Wait its back.  Okay- here goes.

Diahann described how on a train ride in DC when she was a young girl, she and her mother had to get up and move 2 cars down because the one they were in, was determined to no longer be integrated.  It blew her away that in the nation's capital, this discrimination would exist.  Her mother told her "it's their problem, not yours."  She went on to say that there was something wrong in their lives that they have decided to interpret it in terms of race.

This just struck a nerve in me.  Her mother was brilliant to tell her that it had nothing to do with her. Most people's actions towards me are about their internal struggles and it's really not about me.   I thought of the struggles I have internalized so deeply worrying about what other people thought and inferred that I was less than  (and this was not to the serious level of blatant racial discrimination)   For the majority of my life thus far,  I have thought so negatively about myself.  I don't feel this way any more but certain thoughts linger and pop up from time to time.  But this sound bite of Diahann Carrol's story reminded me of it.

And then there is this little golden nugget from Pastor Rick Warren: "If you live for the approval of others, you will die by their rejection." 


Hmmm.  Good stuff.

He also said the two biggest reasons people do not fulfill their purpose are envy and people pleasing.  Envy: I must be like you to be happy.  People Pleasing: I must be liked by you to be happy.
If you spend time trying to be like someone or trying to be liked, you will miss God's purpose for your life.

You cannot make other people happy.   They have to do it for themselves.  Just like I cannot wait around for others to make me happy from... Carolyn Golightly. 

This ties in with another aha I did have, I did have one last week via a FB friend!  She suggested a chapter in the Cheryl Richardson book, "The Art of Extreme Self Care."  I have been having a hard time adjusting to the summer schedule and was feeling overwhelmed.  Normally I would have to come up with reasons why I was feeling this way.  I would have to legitimize it.  I knew instinctively I don't have to legitimize it anymore, I just need to take care of myself because I am overwhelmed.  My friend told me about Chapter 3, which is entitled, "Let Me Disappoint You."  I just started giggling because the tune of "Let me entertain you" popped up.  Those around us will be disappointed and that is o-kay.  It is hard for the recovering people pleaser in me yet I truly see the need for boundaries.

I need to take care of myself all the time even before the overwhelming feelings but it has not been natural to do so.  Yet, I am practicing, practicing.  I practiced this morning and it seemed to be no big deal to the other person.  I knew I had to listen to my own intuition and what was best for me.  

(And on a cool note: I saw Diahann Carroll in a live production of "Sunset Boulevard" in Toronto years ago.)

A Middle Aged Prom Photo With a Hundred Likes on FB

Last week, George and I gussied up and went to a fundraiser for a local hospital.  Friends invited us weeks before the event and my first thought was no,  I don't want to put on a formal dress.   I've gained weight and my middle is the worst part and you cannot camouflage that in a formal dress.

But my second thought was, well, a night out with my husband and the Doobie Brothers could be enjoyable.

As the weeks went by, I found a dress that worked, shoes and costume jewelry and on the day of, I had my hair styled in curly ringlets which I had never done before at a new blowout salon in town.  I put on a little bronzer and I felt like a real Bravo Housewife ready to go (except the limousine and potential for hairpulling!)

The babysitter and Riley took pictures with my phone and our camera.  I posted one on FB as we drove downtown.  We entered the building and rode an escalator down to the huge crowd below.  It reminded me of a scene from the movie, "Rain Man."   I started spotting people I knew immediately.   I greeted and chatted away and was surprised at how much fun I was having.  After dinner at our table,  George and I grooved to the Doobie "Boys" as the nun called them.

Half way through the evening, I looked at FB and there were over forty "likes" and many nice compliments on our "middle aged prom" picture.  Wow!

Now I am keeping in mind that my self esteem should not be based on how many FB likes I receive.  Yet, the likes kept coming and by the next morning, there were over 90 likes and over thirty lovely comments and the notices kept coming.

I didn't really know what to do with all of that positiveness coming towards me.  It took me several days to process before I was able to sit and scroll through all of the names.

I think in my mind, because I'm not at the weight I would like to be, should I be receiving such nice messages?

These are some neural pathways that need to be rewired.

I also looked at some of the other pictures that were taken with our other camera, some not as flattering.    To be utterly honest with my disjointed thinking, I had a hard time reconciling the unflattering pictures and how much fun I had.  This is what I really looked like while I was engaging, not just the most flattering picture.  How can that go together?  In my first thoughts of deciding whether to attend, I couldn't go unless I fit a certain idea in my head of how I was supposed to look.

So dear reader, I still have more self-acceptance to gain.  I have made headway, but this was a great lesson that I can have fun EVEN if I don't have the perfect body.  And isn't that the point, to have fun!

Again, the truth is...

I do have self worth at any size.  

This message is still sinking in very slowly especially after so many years of thinking the opposite and media messages reinforcing that thinner is always the goal.

I am so happy that we went to the gala.  It was fun to get all dressed up.  The FB experience shows me that perhaps people don't look at me the way I look at myself?  I need to look at myself with less judgement and more compassion. (And as I do that with myself, I am doing it with others!)  It's a daily battle but one that I need to wage, especially with my young daughters watching.

Perhaps my title should be "What A Fool Believes?"

George and I with "Doobie Boys"playing in background.

I loved my curly headed do!

Seven Pounds and a Palpable Shift

Monday morning I went to my primary care doctor for a regular wellness check.  I was weighed and I looked.  Some experts in intuitive eating advise not to look at the number, not to weigh every day.  I knew I had gained some weight because I could feel it in my clothes, but I found out in a hard number.  I went home, I was tired from our wonderful trip to New Orleans over the weekend.  I picked Annie up at the vet where she was boarded and took her for a walk.  I rested.  By late afternoon, the feelings of devastation gripped me.  I had gained seven pounds since my last doctors visit at the end of 2011.   This put me into a massive tailspin.

It's all I could think about for the next hours.   And the next day,  all I could think was, I don't know how to overcome this.  It is the opposite outcome of what I have been diligently trying to do.  I have been doing very hard internal work.  I have learned to feel my feelings which has not been easy whatsoever.  I have learned to have boundaries with people.  I am learning to accept myself for who I am.  I am learning to accept other people for who they are.  And this goes on and on.  The ahas have been coming for several years now in so many profound ways.

I went to therapy.  I sat down and told her we had fertile ground to work with.  And then as the hour progressed, questions were asked, tears flowed and the message was received, my self worth does not depend on my weight.

Self worth does not depend on my weight.

I cried and let out the disappointment of the situation.  I cried about the shame.  I cried about the sadness.

After the so called "negative" feelings flowed through.  (And that is another topic - all feelings are okay, we determine them to be negative.)

As the tears dried...

A palpable shift occurred.


(Palpable: so intense so as to be almost touched or felt.)


Devastation magically turned into relief and tiredness.  Fighting the feelings takes more energy than allowing them to flow through.  I went about the rest of the day lightened.  My mood, my outlook and then energy returned to my body.  It was a freaking miracle.

All of the inner work I have done over the last four + years culminated in me believing that my feelings were acceptable but the facts in my head were not true.  I had to have some massive groundwork done to be able to walk away and have that much of a shift in perception and for it to stick.

My self worth as a person does not depend on how thin I am. This is not the message that I receive over and over again on a daily basis in our Western Culture but I can choose to change my thoughts and know that I am more than my dress size, house, car, jewelry, or any other external fact about me.

The feelings of inadequacy will come again, when my clothes feel tight, when I can't find something to wear or I just have a bad day.  I will again remind myself to let the feelings flow and redirect my thoughts.   I have been in therapy for a while, and I think there is something wrong with me because it's taking so long.  I have begun to let up on those thoughts because that is my ego talking.  I do know how incredibly beneficial it has been for me to be in therapy and this particular experience is the ultimate proof.

I believe that this weight gain will have positive ramifications.  This feels like a turning point.

(Thank you to one of my friends for using the words palpable shift when I described what happened!!)

A Formal Gown, Spanx, Tanning Cream and LOVE

Few people see the body as it really is but imagine what they would like it to be.  The fantasy of an ideal body comes with the false premise of eternal happiness and unconditional acceptance by others ~ from Institute for the Psychology of Eating

This one as it appeared in my Facebook feed really made me think.   George and I have been invited to a formal event.  I hesitated and then began to get excited.  Good food, great music and the ability to dance!

And then there is the attire...a long gown.  {grimace}

2010: Mardi Gras Ball and we didn't know a soul except for the Krewe King.

With time to kill at the mall, Riley and I went into a store that had long dresses and I tried a few on.  I have gained a few pounds and my mind has been beating myself up for this.  I've been working on this issue of weight for so long.  I've been in therapy... for so long.  Why haven't I achieved my goal of losing weight?   

Well, a little thing called self-love has gotten in the way.  

In the past, the times I lost weight and got to what would be my goal weight now, it was great, fantastic, and wonderful.  Every pound lost was so exciting and seemed to chipped away at a sad feeling inside.  I bought new smaller sized clothing.  But yet something inside felt like I was an imposter.  And of course, I gained the weight back.

I was still the same person inside, who felt small.  Who had no voice.  And who feared most everything from moment to moment.  Who felt fear instead of LOVE.

My first thought about finding a dress for the gala, was "Oh no."  And then knowing everything flows from my thoughts, I changed them.  I really want to go.  I want to have an evening out with my husband.  I want to get dressed up, have my hair done, accessorize and have some fun!

I know at this juncture in my long slow journey, that I can change my thoughts about the feelings that pop in my head.  The feelings are not bad, they just are.  I have come to understand on this long slow journey that it will continue to be long and slow.  I will lose some weight, but it will come as I continue to accept myself and love my authentic self and do the inner work.  It is all about the inner work.

I hesitate to write what I want to next because it sounds "cray cray" as I overcome my fundamentalist baggage.  God made me this way and his love is huge.  As I began to grasp this notion and let it sink in, I am more accepting of myself (and those around me.)  It has been said that God (or higher power) loves us more than what I feel for more children.  And that love is overwhelming.

I am beginning to feel that love from God.  And it really is all about unconditional love.

But that doesn't mean I won't wear Spanx or get a spray tan.

This is my back up dress.  I tried it on yesterday.

Knight is a family name. I'm not that inebriated.

No more minivan!!

We said goodbye to the minivan at the beginning of June.  The A/C went out and the car was seven years old.  We bought the minivan in January 2005 when we knew we were pregnant with Mallory and in that same week George's car had been rear ended.  As we  started negotiating on the new SUV,  I was verklempt for a few minutes. I felt sadness letting it go, Mallory came home from the hospital in this car.  We bought this car because we knew Grandma could get in and out of it easily.  And now it was time to say goodbye.

Though it only took about 30 minutes in the new car to let the van go completely!!

As we cleaned the van out, I realized how disgustingly dirty it was.  Had I really driven around in something that was so unclean and not noticed?  I guess in comparison to the brand new vehicles it was shocking.

Many things look different with a new perspective.

The filth was seven years of a baby and toddler and kids.   I plan to keep this one cleaner.  I bought leather wipes in high hopes.  Mallory already spilled red Icee within a day of it's newness.  This is life with kids.  Now I will hand her the wipe to clean it up.

The new SUV has been a lesson for me, as most things can be if I bring awareness to it.  I had a hard time spending over my self imposed limit for a car.  I had a line for the last couple of years as we knew this day was coming.  We had the money to buy the really nice one but for me worthiness and money go hand in hand.  It was instilled in me that my worth was tied to money. That is why I haven't been ready for a budget from our financial advisor.  Money and love are very much intertwined as is food.  Food is how I have primarily nurtured myself and I'm unlearning that and money is not so far behind.

I could tell George was open and really excited about the luxury SUV.  I drove a less expensive one that had all the bells and whistles and I could have rolled with that one yet George really liked the quiet of the more expensive one.  I looked at him and said, "Do you want to treat ourselves a little?" and he said, "Yes."  So I drove the top two on my list and narrowed down to the one that was more fun to drive.

The SUV is a treat and I do have moments that I think it is too much especially when I think of how others perceive it and then I stop.  This was our money, our treat and I really appreciate it but know it is just a car...a really fun car.