The Mueller Hearing Should Have Had More Glamour

The bottom line from the decorated war veteran who kept our country safe under several Presidents, is that the current President committed crimes but could not be charged because of Department of Justice, Office of Legal Counsel policy. Russia interfered and continues to do so and our current President who is now beholden to Russia will do nothing to stop it because he benefited from it. So our Intelligence agencies do their jobs, and yet... it doesn't matter. (Also could there BE any more dichotomy between straight as an arrow, honest to a fault, full of integrity Mueller and then you knowTrump.)

I still don't understand why are Presidents above the law when they commit crimes to get to the office? Can't this policy be changed?

We have come to a strange sad time in this country where the law and order party means it's okay to welcome and use hostile foreign powers to win an election (and be indebted to that hostile foreign power). Then lie about it to authorities, refuse to cooperate and everyone looks the other way and lies about it. This happened during Nixon's time as well, and only until there was dramatic testimony after weeks and weeks of hearings did the tide finally turn. None of Trump's players will testify. It takes one brave person to step forth and tell the truth and no, it's not the fixer.

We evidently need a prime time glitzy broadcast to educate the general public, so that the facts and the law are presented in a way that everyone can understand, because plain spoken brief affirmations from an aging war horse isn't enough. We need razzle dazzle with female models who are tens only, and lots of American flags, and maybe tanks? It needs to be more like a reality show, with suspense, good lighting, a perfect television soundbite, and a studio crowd yelling "lock him up." That would get the job done, right?

The truth has gone by the wayside. The truth is pummeled every day to bits by this President and the party that stands by him.

I have sadly accepted that because of the Republican majority Senate, Trump will either have to be voted out or serve another four years. For my mental health, I have had to let it go.

And that seems to be the spiritual path as well.

But this is hard to watch if you believe in truth and justice.

And then there's God.

You know, you are not supposed to discuss politics or religion with others. This current situation combines both for me, because I can't fathom how "Christians" and their leaders support this lying, corrupt, egotistical person with no morals or ethics.

Who would be drawn to Christianity when Evangelical support for Trump has never wavered? A lying, corrupt, inarticulate, pussy grabbing, draft dodging, racist, dictator loving, fascist leaning President who needs to be the center of attention at all times. He uses and abuses race bating, patriotism, and qualifies for two different personality disorders. He paints complicated issues in broad strokes and continues to amplify the division in our country to new lows. All while never cracking open and reading a briefing. (That one really kills me LOL)

Trump is the ultimate black and white thinker.

And this is exactly what all Christians are called spiritually to overcome. Hold the tension.

Lose yourself and your ego and let go.

Trust in a higher power.

Jesus, the long haired brown skinned Eastern European Jew, did not reside in America or embrace Christianity but said love your neighbor as yourself. Take care of the less fortunate.

Hold the tension.

If we learn to hold the tension of the opposites, we are able to stretch and grow. When there is more space for seemingly opposite ideas, feelings and behaviors to peacefully coexist. We become less rigid and more flexible, less judgmental and more tolerant, less fearful and more loving.*

More loving.

Didn't Jesus say to love?

Laws are broken, there is no justice. Story as old as time.

I really work to see the other point of political view but I'm worn down.

Trump and his team broke several laws but yet, the only consequences will come after he leaves office. There are also emolument clauses, campaign finance laws and everything he boasted about for years and will any of that come to justice. His dad also gave him four hundred million dollars over time, much of it, was to bail him out of bankruptcy. Laws were broken to avoid paying taxes which are too old to prosecute. I'm sure there's more, but I'm too tired.

So tired of it all.

Sometimes things have to go really bleak, in order to become anew. Can the country do that? The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice. I must remember that.

All I know now, is that my part now, is to hold the tension and love my neighbor. Even those who love Trump.

{Gulp}

Letting it go, holding that tension. Wave at the person who waves at me driving down my street while I walk the dogs. Smile at a stranger. Hold open the door for the next person.

Love.

Namaste.

*(With thanks to Psychology Today)

I Have Enrolled in Seminary

Not really, but sort of.

I am enrolled in a 2 year paraprofessional certification for Spiritual Formation Leadership.  What is that, you ask?  I'm not sure really, but it requires furthering my relationship with the Divine within and going out of my comfort zone.  So here I am.

It is a joint venture between the Ministry of Spiritual Formation of my church, First United Methodist in Baton Rouge and Garrett Evangelical Theological Seminary in Illinois. I'm not sure how I ended up here (oh yes I do), but here I am.

I wrote that a few weeks back and reading again now, I just noticed that the words "Here I Am" were at the end of both of the above paragraphs.  That happens to be one of my very favorite hymns.  It make me want to sing and cry all at the same time.  No coincidence that I wrote those words.  It gives me goose bumps every time.




I am going to determine that this certification is a good thing.  It is comprised of several conferences over 2 years.  And the most important part is taking on different spiritual practices on a near daily basis: keeping a prayer journal, Centering prayer, audio listenings, book reports,  developing a rule of life, Lectio divina,  and small group meetings.

Oh my gosh.  That's a lot and since grad school, I've never been very disciplined in reading activities.  Can I be disciplined?  I have been very intentional in my thought processes and changing those that don't work for me. Guess what?  That is the spiritual practice of Self-Examination.  (Check that practice off the list!!  One down!!)

My spiritual homework is pushing me to do practices that make me feel uncomfortable and are painful.  I am healing the past and... thought processes that did not bring me closer to God.   These new practices, although awkward and challenging, open me up even further to the divine within.  I wasn't ready to read the words or hear the words or speak the exercises before me until now.   Some healing had to take place to make me ready to take in, here it comes...love.   And love always is the answer.   But love comes not in the form that I expect, so I have come to expect the unexpected. (But of course still some yearning in the ways that I think it should be)

I had put off starting many of the above described homework assignments.   A deadline loomed and I dug in.  It finally hit me why I delayed sitting down to tackle the materials.  This work is emotional.  My fundamentalist baggage is deep.  Whatever I learned when I was younger did not bring me to know how much God loves me.  I read within the first sentence of a chapter on Self Examination: ...God is the searcher of every human heart.

That brought tears to my eyes. Wow.  Eight words did me in. I'm in that every human heart and I believe it. God is seeking me out every day, all day, with a ceaseless love.  (I just have to pay attention and let go of my expectations!)  This is a stark contrast to how I felt about God before.  I felt God was out there (hand as far away from the body as it can get and tilted upward because you know that's where heaven is)  and relentlessly judging me.  I failed in the judgement that I thought was going on each and every time.  What a difference to know a higher power is always there with LOVE, a ceaseless love not judgement.

My former black and white thinking on God (and life) takes time to dismantle.  Now, I desperately need to hear the notion of original love not original sin.  We were born of love, as love.  It takes time to take this in.  People and religions make up rules and dogma instead of doing the hard work of allowing love in.

So I am in seminary, sort of. I wouldn't have ever thought that was true.  I just was invited to take this step and it made sense to follow it.   I am pushing myself once again, uncomfortably into new territory.  This is growth, though.  I cannot grow and evolve standing still or sitting and cowering in the corner as I was accustomed to.  I am dragging myself slowly bit by bit but I know without a doubt I'm on the right path.
Namaste

I Had to Let The Dust Settle Before I Hit the Publish Button (It's About the Duggars)

I wrote a very long post about the Duggars weeks ago but never published.

It was restrained anger with love.  (Yeah, it was mostly anger.) And I used a refrain of "Praying the Gay Away" with "Praying the Molestation Away."  It was very clever if I do say so myself.

As an LGBT supporter AND Christian, I don't agree with the Duggars' politics, religion and let's not touch the hypocrisy of Michelle Duggar's robocall and any of Josh's words... condemning anybody.

After I had written my blog, I read a very loving and sensitive blog and the author's point was really, really good, but on a comment in response, I went off in a restrained fashion letting loose on how this news pushed every one of my core buttons.  The author's  loving way to address the situation had stopped me in my tracks though and I did not hit publish on my blog.

The Duggar situation hit way too close to home for me.

Between the fundamentalism, and anti-LGBT, that's enough to start.  The facts that the kids have no room to be who they really are,  because the family appears to have all the makings of a cult...allegedly.  Those parents produce children and they are expected to believe exactly as Jim Bob and Michelle.

So you can see where the veiled rant went.

But the most important point here is that me judging them, has my energy focused on the negative.   And I was judging.  I found I had to walk away and not read any more Twitter, watch any more CNN, nor finish the second Megan Kelly interview because it stirred me up and I became obsessive.  This was not positive nor a forward move nor loving.

And the bottom line is I want to put more love out in the world, not judgement, not hate.

I had to let it go.

Though I was very, very interested in the behavioral phenomenon of people, (politicians, preachers)  who come out and preach against something fervently, and yet they actually have the thing that they are preaching against going on within themselves (or their family!)  This is the phenomenon I wanted to know about and hear about.   I think it's called projection.

So here is my new blog about The Duggars.

Jim Bob and Michelle are doing the best job they can.  They love their children.  They love God, I love God and yet we have different rules.  I'm glad I'm not one of their children.   I really, really hope Josh Duggar has not relapsed and molested anyone else.  Molestation is really, really hard to address behaviorally and for the impulse to diminish.  More than likely, Josh was most likely molested himself.  And I'm glad that my family is not on television.

There, that wasn't so bad was it?  It still wasn't as loving as the other blog but it's more than what I wrote the first time.

Namaste.

How I Relate To Bruce Jenner

(This was written prior to Caitlyn's unveiling yesterday - so Bruce is still referred to as a he.)

A few weeks back, I came home from a wedding and sat on the edge of my bed watching the recording of Diane Sawyer's interview with Bruce Jenner earlier that evening.  I was mesmerized.  It was so well done.  Bruce was finally able to tell his truth without interruption and with compassion and a little education added in from Diane.

I've watched him on the Kardashians.  I was done with it until Bruce began emerging in his truth.   I was interested in him (I remembered him as the Olympic champion - hubba, hubba) but as I watched him through a few seasons, he was not who I thought he would be.  He was much more passive but also seemingly sensitive, kind and loving.  He was the sane one.

He told his story to Diane so fluidly as obviously it was sixty-five years in the making.  That is a long, long time to wait to speak your truth.  On a different level than gender identity, I identify where he is coming from in terms of being true to one's self.   For me, it's about staking my place as a left leaning Christian living in a Bible Belt South Louisiana.  I grew up surrounded by guns, camouflage, LSU Football, attending church revivals, and nary an examination of feelings anywhere.  And later on, my dad had either Fox News, football, or a Western blaring in the background. None of it sat well with me.

I can tell you what I'm passionate about.  I LIVE to examine who I am and my thought processes!  It makes me giddy. That is when I feel closest to God because when I am quiet and let all of the other thoughts and distractions go, that is when I am able to recognize the eternal loving presence always INSIDE of me.

And Jesus is the biggest consciousness person out there.  Be still and know that I am God…from Psalms. He was all about renewing the mind. And renewing the mind is about working on your thought processes.

So I don't identify with things that are really celebrated around me yet I am absolutely passionate about my consciousness journey.  And it has taken me to my forty-sixth year of life to really own it.  It's been done in baby steps.  I did touch upon it in May 2009, entitled "Uncomfortable Religious Moments."  It was very truthful for me to write it yet I worried about acceptance from those around me (even though I told no one and just posted it to the world wide web!! LOL)   Over time it has sunk in that I can't worry about those around me, I have to be true to my own soul.  And that's how I identify with Bruce and wish the best for him.  It is going to be strange to see him as a woman, but the strange factor is overtaken and overruled by knowing I have to be who I am and allow those around me to be who they are.

So on a certain level, I understand what Bruce has been communicating ever since the Diane Sawyer interview.   For me living in a really Red state where Governor Bobby Jindal is issuing executive orders against LGBT, LSU Football reigns  and Duck Dynasty is celebrated, this does not sit well with my soul.  Until the last decade or so, I didn't even examine who I was enough to know where I stood because I was so fearful.  I went along with the crowd because I was too scared and it feels very isolating and lonely to step out on my own.

But it is not for me to go with the flow anymore.

If you are not aligned with your soul, the world is a pretty miserable place to live in.

And when you allow yourself to be who you are, as hard as that is, the universe rises up to meet you and you eventually find your tribe and it feels so right and LOVING with your soul and God.  I know, this is where I am supposed to be.

Namaste.


P.S. I used a lot of black and white language (right and left)  in this blog to get my point across.  The media paints the picture of right wing, left wing, red state, and blue state.  I don't think people fit in these categories as neatly as I used in the examples. And I don't think we are as divided as it appears or feels.  At some point, I had a big aha that my higher power was the same God that others believed in.  We just have different rules and language which seem to create a big divide. Well, and the fact that they think I'm going to hell doesn't bother me anymore.  {grin}

This

The World Would Be a Nicer Place If…

God is Light.  God is Love.
This sentiment is so healing for me. So simple, but so true for my religion battered me down before.
Following the light, leads me to abundant love.
Finding my authentic self, which is love at the core.  And connection with others and the entire planet because we are one.

This is deep.  So very deep but so very simple.

Namaste.

God's Not Dead

*spoiler alert*

Riley and I watched "God's Not Dead" a few weeks back.

After the viewing, I had post-traumatic stress flashbacks to the early 90's when I attended a "Heaven or Hell" production at a local Baptist church in town.  I went with my boyfriend at the time who was the same denomination as the church.  The show presented specific incidents where someone is facing death and if the person had not chosen correctly prior to that, their name was not in THE Big Book and they go to hell.    I poured an alcoholic beverage to help the tremors flow through.  I knew certain people had liked the movie.  I had a feeling that it would not be my cup of Christian tea.

My daughter wanted to watch the film as she heard about it from friends.  It was just the two of us and I said okay.  I watched it because she wanted to.  I thought I could handle it.

I couldn't.

In hindsight, my intuition knew better.  I should have told my husband to watch it with her, as he has no fundamentalist baggage.  Mine is a mile deep and an ocean wide.

Boundaries - I needed to uphold my boundaries even though it was something my child wanted.

The following definition would be helpful for you to understand why my viewing of God's Not Dead didn't go well:

Propaganda is information that is not impartial and used primarily to influence an audience and further an agenda, often by presenting facts selectively to encourage a particular synthesis, or using loaded messages to produce an emotional rather than rational response to the information presented.

On a positive note,  it was filmed at LSU and the campus looked lovely but on a low note the plot was predictable, so very horribly predictable.  I can reach deep down and say some of the acting was good, I just didn't like the script.  Everyone who was an atheist was BAD,  everyone who was a Christian was GOOD.  Everyone was against the main character, the "Christian," including his parents and girlfriend.   It was so very black and white.  And the Christian was the victim.  And to put the shiny bow at the end of the movie, there was a death bed "come to Jesus" moment by the atheist professor who was hit by a car outside a Christian music concert.  There happened to be two preachers there on the street, one of whom could conveniently diagnose that the atheist's lungs were filling with blood and he was definitively dying in the next five minutes.   After a talk with one of the preachers, the atheist declared Jesus his savior just and he died on the street…

And that's the end of that story.

And special cameo appearancea by one of the Duck Dynasty couples whom I tried to block out entirely.

This movie pushed many of my fundamentalist baggage hot buttons. And it brought up all my fear roots and did nothing to bring up the abundant LOVE of God that I have been surprised and amazed by in the last few years.  And do you know what began healing my fundamentalist baggage?  Lo and behold, it was sitting in counseling with a Jewish therapist.   I had to strip away all of the misguided thinking that I had about God, myself and the world.  I needed someone to listen to me unconditionally.
Just like God does.

Abundant love is who God is and who we are if we can tap into it.   I had to change my very poor concept of God in order for the loving view of God to emerge because my thinking of God was just like this movie.  Simplistic, judgmental and out there. As long as you proclaim Jesus is King after you have been scared straight, everything will be all right.

That is just not what I've come to know about my Higher Power.

Deep down, way deeply down, I know that my snarkiness and anger is my pain coming out.  So many years, I lived in fear and my idea of God did not let me know that the Divine was within and abounds in love.

Not judgement but love.

I don't know why I never left the church, the pain goes so deep.  Well, yes I do know, I was too scared.
I think my fear of leaving was bigger.  Nonetheless, I have learned to listen to my intuition because if I can acknowledge it clearly, it is God talking to me.  I should have listened about this movie.  But that's okay.  I'm not perfect. Mistakes are made and learned from.

This blog has been sitting in my draft box for weeks. It's time to publish even if there is no bow to wrap it up, like at the end of this awful movie.  This is an ongoing journey for me to listen to the Divine within because that steers me on the path I need to be on.

Namaste.

Christmas Stress: Part 2: (Relearning Who God Is)

I love that what struck me on FB yesterday was from Aha Parenting and essentially all about being in the present moment with your kids (not the shiny presents from Toys R Us)  It was fantastic advice.  And today, Father Rohr says what I have been coming to learn over the last 5 years - consciousness leads to God being right in front of me or rather God in me, in the present moment.

This is Father Rohr's meditation from today.  What I really like is bolded.

God Is Here and 
Thus Everywhere
Thursday, December 11, 2014

The last words Jesus spoke to his apostles in the Garden of Gethsemane were “Stay awake”; in fact he says it twice (Matthew 26:39-41). I believe the work of religion is, more than anything else, to keep you awake, alert, alive, conscious. Consciousness comes from a wholehearted surrender to the moment. If you’re conscious, you will experience God. I can’t prove God to you. But people who are present will experience the Presence. It’s largely a matter of letting go of our resistance to what the moment offers us.

To be here now is the simplest thing in the world and the hardest thing to teach. In many ways it is the very foundation of all religion and all spirituality. You cannot get there by any kind of worthiness contest whatsoever. You cannot get there; you can only be there. I am convinced that the purest form of spirituality is the ability to accept the “sacrament of the present moment” (as Jean-Pierre de Caussade called it) and to find God in what is right in front of me. At that level, there is almost nothing to argue about. In fact, argumentative religion proceeds from not being present.

It seems we all start out thinking of God as “out there.” Yet we also need to believe, even spatially, that God is “in here.” We must know that deeply before we can take the Now seriously. The reason we can trust the Now so much is because of the Incarnation and because of the Divine Indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Christians have been given the promise that the Word has become flesh, that God has entered into the human, and the human soul is the temple of God. This is Paul’s discovery (1 Corinthians 3:16-17), and it is repeated through various metaphors by every Christian mystic.

Father Rohr's teachings are a balm to my soul.  My idea of God was so battered that I cringe when I hear the word Christian.  My idea of a Christian for several years now has been that of one of a right wing fanatic with whom I disagree on about everything.  So I've had to step away from anyone who talks about Jesus too much.  I've had to step away from the Bible.  When the word, Jesus, pops up too many times it feels like propaganda.

I am relearning God.

This truth of being in the here and now, I understand.

It's Christmas and there is way too much to do. Christmas stress kicked in two days ago.  I thought I was going to keep the anxiety at bay but my old friend came back.  In years past, it came in late November, so the fact that it didn't kick in until December 9, is pro-gress!!  I have moments where my thoughts are all about the future - presents, cards, tasks, errands, events that need to be attended or attended to.  

But God (or higher power or divine presence)  is in the moment.

It's okay to get off track and my stomach will turn and my thoughts will spin.  I am human.  I find that if I am able to get quiet, the fears dissolve.  I also say, "All will be well, even if it's not."  It has taken several years of a very conscious mind shift to employ these techniques.  I don't want to live in fear and anxiety like I did for the first 40 years.  I needed this shift.   This is the second half of life.   I am so grateful for this shift of consciousness.

Namaste.
Happy Holidays!

If Only Christianity Could Be Like This

Not much else to say here.  Yet it's all open to interpretation.  I believe it's all about LOVE.

Sparks of Divinity

I caught a blip of a rerun of Super Soul Sunday while walking the dogs, thanks to Sirius radio app on my iPhone.   The little bit I heard just ignited my enthusiasm once again and I want to carve the time out to watch the ones I have taped on my DVR.  I always have ahas and then it sparks me to write.  These are creative forces flowing from a higher power that resides inside me whom I call God.

The person I heard speaking on OWN was Adyashanti, an American spiritual teacher.  I heard him describe humans as sparks of divinity.

Sparks of Divinity!

Wow!  This terminology is a massive warm enveloping hug just when I needed it most.

This is so different than how I pictured myself when I was growing up. 

The way I thought of God before was bleak, and unforgiving and most of all - Judgmental.  I cannot tolerate anything that smells of judgment anymore.  What had been planted in my head was that Jesus loved me, but I was a sinner.  And there was a big book and God was watching and if I misbehaved my name would not be in that book and I was going to hell.  (Yes, I sadly watched a full out play production of this very notion called "Heaven or Hell" in my early 20's) And I was told I was a sinner all the time.   And so there was hell, and armageddon, and eye for an eye and so much was based on Fear.  I can clearly see how fear is used repeatedly as a means to an end.   This did not present to me a God of Love.  A God who loved me more than I could even imagine and that there was an endless depth of love to tap into.   All I could think was that I wasn't good enough.  (If you tell someone they are a sinner, then guess what, that is what they will morph into.  Self-fulfilling prophecy.

So guess what, I didn't learn how to love myself or anyone else unconditionally -which is a red letter New Testament Jesus' commandment.  In fact it is the second one to loving God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind.  The second commandment of the New Testament is "You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself."   I now know that I was born to LOVE (not fear). 

I'm rearranging those thoughts in my head because our higher being (and Jesus) are all about love.  We are born and our souls ARE love but we lose that along the way.  Our ego gets in the way. Our conditioning by humans gets in the way.

The way to follow Jesus as he teaches is through LOVE.   Becoming whole-hearted.  Seeing the world as loving.  There is an abundance of love out there for everyone.   

I Never Thought Therapy Would Lead to Increased Spirituality

From Geneen Roth:
The other day someone asked me if there is a difference between spirituality and therapy. This is a question I often am asked. And the answer is yes and no. No because we can't divide ourselves in little segments. Every part of us is related to every other part, and so any work we do on the therapeutic level (our past, our wounds) affects every other part of us. I can't even imagine where or who I'd be without the--count them!--more than thirty years I spent in therapy. 

And yes because their focus is somewhat different. In my book The Craggy Hole in My Heart, I wrote that: With a therapist, you have direct experiences of being your best self--loved, strong, worthy, whole. With a spiritual teacher, you have direct experiences of being the space in which that best self manifests. With a therapist, you learn that you are loved. With a spiritual teacher, you learn that you are love itself.

Love this!

I believe in therapy one thousand percent.  I needed to find out what my wounding was.  I had a hole of not loving myself for who I was. I did not feel like I could speak up for myself.  I was a people pleaser.
And I was not aware of this to the extent of how it affected my life!  I thought it was normal to be anxious day in and day out and to stay fearful of most of life's activities.  I thought it was normal to stay in place and react to life and people instead of going out and living my own life.

And then therapy came along.  And it was painful and wonderful and exhausting and eye-opening.  And I found God!  I really truly wasn't expecting that.

I think because my spirituality was hidden and suffocating in Religion.  Now I know better!!

My image of God was distant, judgmental and out there.  Now I understand, God is within.  God is LOVE.  And it has taken a while to change the tracks of what I have believed for so many years.

I love the distinctions Geneen makes in these paragraphs and furthermore, I understand them up close and personally.

Thank you Geneen!

This Sums It Up!

And Amen....
Namaste.

My two cents on Phil Robertson

I'm tired of hearing about Duck Dynasty yet I have to put my two cents in.  I was obsessed for a few days and in shock and dismay at seeing my FB wall blow up in support of Phil Robertson.   I have let everything I have read seep in and lo and behold I have the same exact position that I have come to after years of thoughtful deliberation and soul searching on the topic.  After having posted a few weeks ago of "coming out of the closet" as a supporter of LGBT on this blog...bam, my home state makes national news about Christianity and anti-gay and our Governor throwing in his two cents about First Amendment rights.

Sigh.

Mr. Robertson did not go to jail for his opinions, he was indefinitely suspended from employment by his employer with whom I'm sure there was a contract that had a clause just for this.  It is not a First Amendment issue and Governor Jindal needs to brush up on that one.  I know Jindal is supporting his taxable income from the northern parish.

I don't watch Duck Dynasty so I am coming to know Mr. Robertson by what I read in the full GQ article, and from many testamonials and then I happened upon this video I found from 2010 of Mr. Robertson preaching in Pottstown, PA at a church.

What does Resurrection really mean?

I taped a The Best of Oprah Show with Marianne Williamson.  It sat in my DVR for a while.  And then something pushed me to watch it.  I was about to delete and bam - out comes mention of resurrection.

Whaaaaat?

Marianne Williamson - new age spiritual guru mentions resurrection?  (My idea of who she is does not fit in with this but....I am wrong!)

And yet this is the BEST kind of resurrection I have heard of!

My religious baggage makes me so uncomfortable about "Jesus" talk or what I would call old school bible teachings.  This would include talk of blood, sin, calvary, Armageddon, the devil, to name just a few topics off the top of my head.  In this type of Bible teaching,  I heard judgement, judgement, judgement.  I have been judging myself unmercifully for forty-five years, I do not need any more talk of telling me what is wrong with myself.  I need to hear what is right.  I need to hear that God made me perfect as I am.  And that is the divine within.  Recognizing the divine within, the gig is up, it is all about LOVE.

ALL ABOUT LOVE!

Yes, I was screaming that.

Now back to Marianne on my DVR, she is saying a lot that is making so much sense but then I catch this little bit that blows me away:  "The meaning of the word resurrection is the mind lifting up into a new kind of thinking."  She speaks of the Grace of God and that grace allowing us to switch from the victim modality, "this is so terrible" (and for me, I'll never get over this, whatever this is) to one of healing ourselves.   Changing the track that our brain and mind usually play out.

A new kind of thinking.

Yes, she's talking about mindfulness. My favorite subject.  {smile}

Jesus wasn't trying to judge us.  He was trying to show us how to love.  Love ourselves and each other.  During the process of learning to love myself, I just naturally love others in the process, even those who drive me crazy.   When you feel that spark of divine within, you are drawn to give it away.

Somehow I listened to that little intuition that I needed to watch that show.  I needed to hear this.  This idea of resurrection changes not just the track of my brain but it confirms the changes that I'm made in the track of my life.  It reconfirms so many lessons.  So many different people from different walks of life but saying the same idea, in different language, in different ways.

Namaste!

Spiritual Lessons From Unlikely Places, Thank You Jenny McCarthy!

I have been reading for leisure a bit more and reading my favorite type of books which are biographies.   I download them for free from the library.  Free means I am not particularly choosy, but of course there has to be a spark of interest.  I have read Justin Beiber's mother's book as well as Lauren Scruggs, who walked into the blades of a small plane an eye and part of an arm.  I have found some nugget in each of them and I kept reading but if I don't, I return it to the digital library with no guilt attached!  No more loyalty to books, moves or tv shows that do nothing for me!  Codependent no more!!

Currently I am ready Jenny McCarthy's latest book, "Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic."  I had seen she and Jim Carrey together on Oprah and they discussed their spiritual journey so that perked my interest.  I did not want to read her first book about pregnancy because it seemed crude about farts, hemorrhoids and other occurrences in a woman's pregnant body. True but unmentionable to my prudish self.

Thankfully I have relaxed since then and read as she thoughtfully questions all authorities about loopholes in Catholicism from an early age (as well as describing dry humping with her boyfriend while the Jesus pictures on her wall grimace at her)  I have learned from listening to others in small groups at my church that everyone has religious baggage, it just comes in all shapes and sizes and it is all based on individual experiences.

Then here comes the nugget!  I am reading along and she describes how to handle "emotional rashes" which are those massively uncomfortable feelings that come up.  Jenny's sister reports how she will sit on the toilet "to let it all hang out."  Instead of numbing it with shopping, drinking or food, this is what the sister describes,

"And then I allowed myself to feel the pain.  Sometimes I have no idea what it is, but I learned that sometimes you don't need to attach a thought to it.  Just feel it.  Just sit in it.  And when it moves past you, like a storm, the other side is rainbows"

And Jenny says, "Or a big deuce in the toilet."

Jenny then describes her first experience of  allowing waves of pain in her soul go through as her sister had instructed her.  It is exactly what I have been practicing except I don't sit on the toilet and it doesn't involve farts.  But if I did sit on the toilet, I might fart.

There I said it.

I simply adore when I get these conformational bits from unlikely sources in unlikely words.  It is resounding proof that I'm on to something.  

Thank you Jenny McCarthy!  The spirit moves in strange and mysterious waves.  I just need to stand back and allow it to happen.

Saint or Sinner?

On an episode of Super Soul Sunday, Oprah interviewed Iyanla Van Zant.  She acts as a healer yet with a completely different style than I was taught in graduate school.  She is actually a trained lawyer and not a therapist.  She calls and "thing" a "thing" and is quite enthralling but in my day the client would have run away, but this is TV.   I loved this physical demonstration of giving things over to God. It struck such a chord in me.  This first picture is how most people feel when they are told to give it all up to God.  This is a position of fear and shame.  You are a sinner, and you must do better.

This photo represents as it should be. "I give myself over to you God, take me I am yours, I greet you with excitement and LOVE!"

Wow, what an amazing difference.

With baby steps, I am turning towards this welcoming pose of God.  Baggage is being removed slowly and surely as I see and feel the light, and the love. And the shame is receding.

Recently in a book study with our new pastor at my church, the chapter suggests that instead of calling ourselves sinners, we should follow the mantra, "I am a Saint."  There were some who spoke up immediately and were tripped up because they do not want to give up the sin label.  I fully embraced the notion of being a saint at first.  I was enthralled by it so much that I sent a long email to the pastor which I would never have done in the past.  But a few days into the week, that way of thinking fell to the wayside.  I forgot.

It takes a long time to rewire the thinking process.  I see it happening bit by bit and I celebrate when it happens.  There was a great quote that said "You don't know you are there until you ARE there."  One day I will feel more like a saint than a sinner and on that day I will call it a "thing" because it will feel monumental.

I think I will post a note on my dashboard and mirror to remind myself of my sainthood daily.  I think it will help to have that in my face reminder.  We will see.

Being in the Right Place at the Right Time

Yesterday in my car I caught a short blip on Oprah's Soul Series with Elizabeth Lesser. These are moments that I have been experiencing quite often lately when I know I was supposed to hear just that message from the universe. In this case, two authors, one a neuroscientist, the other a therapist describe how God changes your brain. Newberg, MD and Waldman conducted scientific studies, and tested brainwaves of all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs. I was riding along la ti da and bam, this is what I hear: They described how fundamentalist beliefs which can give you comfort also make your overall outlook more angry, fearful and judgmental. But those who contemplate a loving God rather than a punitive God, have less anxiety, depression and increase their feelings of security, compassion and love.

Wow! It was so very specific to my listening ears! Scientific evidence of the feelings that I have had over the last 2-3 years but never put together in this concise way and my ears tingled as they spoke specifically about fundamentalist beliefs.

At a retreat a few years back, I met with a minister and we discussed that I needed to change how I viewed God because he felt out "there" and I have been intentionally working towards this. Even further, I had to work up the courage to make the appointment to sit with the pastor in the first place. I had not felt worthy of taking up her time. If I heard someone say that to me about themselves now, it would make me sad. I know I have come a long way and yet I aldo know I hope to continue the unlearning for years to come.

For years now, I have had to move past my exposure to God being presented as THE judge, that I needed to be saved from hell (and a walk down a church aisle could do that trick in an instant!), as well as talk of the devil, armageddon, etc. And I even grew up Methodist which could be one step away from Unitarianism, but it was a tiny church and there was much intermingling with a tiny Baptist church. As time passes, I have become more open, less judgmental and feel so much more secure with my own beliefs. But it all began with the first recognition that what I heard in the past did not sit well with me and that there was another way. If I had had more esteem I probably would have walked away from the church for good but I was too scared I would go straight to hell. Now I will spend the rest of my life embracing love over fear. That is what really works for me now.

I don't have time to read every book that interests me because there are so many, thus when I catch a little nugget of information like this that pertains so particularly to me, I am so thankful and in awe, that I heard exactly what I needed to hear especially when I didn't even know I needed to hear it. I am open to hearing from all sources now to heal myself. Namaste.

Happy New Years 2012!!

2011 is coming to an end and it has been all over the place. Highs and lows and I'm learning to be present in the moment, feeling my feelings whether I like them or they scare me or not. Nurturance right now is my key especially with GaGa's condition.

Yesterday, I did some things that helped move me along my journey, with slight risk. I listened to my intuition and decided to attend a neighborly coffee that I was invited to thus canceling my massage appointment (known nurturance.) I had hired a babysitter because George was on call and I knew I needed some down time to myself with the girls out of school. The invitation was to an annual Christmas Coffee and it spoke of enjoying the "BALM" and a friend sharing inspirational thoughts of this wonderful season! Well, that scared me. What does BALM mean? All of my fundamentalist baggage hairs were raised. I am scared to be around people who spout "Jesus talk" and it is not because I don't believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I just like action instead of words. And the more words I hear of a certain tone, it feels like it is for show. I'm beginning to understand that we all have baggage and it manifests in different ways. The "Jesus talkers" probably never heard much about Jesus growing up so they spout it to make sure everyone is able to hear it. I heard it too much in ways that scared me and instilled fear.

Well, the first thing I did was call the hostess to inquire. I would have never done this in the past, I would just not have gone. It ends up that I had had contact with this person a few random times, and I finally figured out exactly who she was and she lives several houses down ON MY street. After, talking with her, I knew I should go.

There were several other ladies from my children's school. I walked in and immediately knew several people. The BALM talk was exactly what I needed to hear. The speaker was an Licensed Professional Counselor which is what I used to be and still am at heart I am realizing. The talk was funny and was all about nurturing one's self. It's looks like this was the <------- best decision by that smile.

Upon greeting a Dunham acquaintance , she inquired how was Christmas? I was too honest and knew I had overdone it. So later, I took another risk and went back and told her what was going on in a more appropriate manner and she understood. Later, she posted a message to me on FB which was a little love tap and I hold those dear to my heart.

Running some errands which included a stop to get Lady GaGa's latest CD, I ran into "my" Physics professor. On New Year's Eve, I knew this was a sign from the universe for the new year! I ran and gave him a hug and he was happy to see me and I him.

This was the song of GaGa's that I had really been wanting to be able to listen to in my car on demand. God makes no mistakes. We are all superstars. I needed to be able to hear the non-chipmunk version even though hearing a Chipette say boudoir makes me smile!!

Best wishes for 2012 to you, loyal reader!

And now, back to regularly scheduled stress...

I had clear margins from my second melanoma skin biopsy!! I am thankful and relieved. And now back to regularly scheduled stress. I asked for prayers from my church, sunday school class, Facebook, and children's school. During the week plus of my active melanoma scare experience I stayed relatively relaxed. I credit this to prayers, lots of deep breathing and this journey to fear less, and love more. I purposely didn't look anything up online because there was nothing I could do about it, and I wanted to sleep at night and not heighten my anxiety.

Here is a clip from Big Bang Theory that I love and happens to be on the subject of prayer, in an offhand satirical way. (Please comment if satire is not the right word for this?) I was aware of a church growing up that wanted to lay hands on my friend to pray her head cold away. I know teetotalers. I also feel sure I know several who would want to pray the gay away.

Not so long ago, I would have seen this show and clip as blasphemous, and now I see it as really freaking funny. I had a really skewed vision of God. I feared God, felt him and the church judging me and was not open to the love coming in. I also felt I wasn't worthy of God's love. All of this is changing.

I wasn't sure if I should put my prayer request out there during "the scare" to ask my 600 friends on FB for prayers or in other places. I would definitely ask them on behalf of other people but not myself. Again, not feeling worthy of asking. Two of my FB friends, said how could we pray if we didn't know? Well, they had a point. I am worthy. I am learning this more and more as time goes on. As well as the fact, that God has a sense of humor. I really believe this to be true.

Judging

Twelve weeks ago, I had a facebook "friend" who urged his friends not to watch Dancing with the Stars because of Chaz Bono's participation. So many feelings came up reading his post. I completely and utterly disagree with his reasoning for boycotting the show. Is this a post that I want to engage and disagree with? In finally realizing I have a voice, is this the issue that I want to be heard on?

Expressing my voice and choosing when to do so and when not to do so is still shaky and I will practice this skill for the rest of my life. This particular issue is tangling with the ever judgemental right. And why do I abhor the right so much? They are pretty good at passing judgement and using the Bible to do so. I have much practice with judgment because I have done it to myself for years and now that I am learning to show myself kindness and love in a healthy way, I find myself stopping my critical thoughts of OTHERS when they first pop in my mind. I use to judge others a lot but I did think that issues were grey.

I caught a 2000 Oprah rerun on XM radio with Gary Zukav, the author of "The Seat of the Soul." I think I might have listened to this before and it sounded a little hoo ha. But I now know that hearing it eleven years ago was laying the foundation for me to understand the concepts and further my soul's journey. One idea mentioned among other brilliant ones was when anyone was judging another, the root cause is pain and fear in the judger (and something that needs to be worked out.)

Here is one of Gary's quote that applies:

“When you have an emotional reaction to what you see, you are judging. That is your signal that you have an issue inside of yourself - with yourself - not with the other person. If you react to evil, look inside yourself for the very thing that so agitates you, and you will find it. If it were not there, you will simply discern, act appropriately, and move on.”

― Gary Zukav, Soul to Soul: Communications from the Heart

Darn it, now understanding this dynamic I get that I am now judging the anti-DWTS (anti-transgender) person. Now, I've got more work myself which I know anyway. This is going to be a lifelong process and I am thrilled to be on this ride. I recognize that although I am fully supportive of gay, lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual persons, and their rights this is a rather new stand for me. It has come around in the last years and reconciling it with what I believe God thinks on the subject. So this is newish. I still have a little fear in my position, but I would rather have a little doubt, than think I know everything!!

And by the way, I think this year's Dancing with the Stars was fantastic at pushing boundaries. Not only was there the first transgendered contestant, but the first wounded war veteran (soap star) and along with the skimpy costumes which I don't like, we did see someone was accepted for who they are and not how they look.