Listen To Your Intuition Even If You Disappoint Someone Who Came Out Of Your Body

I volunteered to participate in VBS… again.  It's about 10-12 years now.

I didn't want to.   My overriding predominant feeling that was really, really clear to me was that I was done volunteering for VBS.   And it has taken me years to listen to that intuition.  I have written about this topic of VBS before.  There was only one person, maybe two, in my family who wanted me too.

 My eldest daughter said something to the tune of me destroying her life and "you have always volunteered."

I shouldn't do things because other people want me too.  Even the people who came out of my own body.

The dread set in last week.  I have pushed it out of my head all summer but it is upon us.  It starts tomorrow.

DREAD.

This is the opposite of being passionate.

One needs to follow their passion to be fulfilled.

I will put my game face on and do this thing but I'm so biding my time and waiting for this week to be over.  That is now how to live.  I know better than this.  Why do something when you just dread doing it?  There are many other things in life that are necessary that I may not look forward to and need to do. This is not one of them anymore.

Deep Breathing.

I will follow my intuition the next time.

Inside Out

I saw Inside Out yesterday afternoon with my girls.  I had really been looking forward to it as the movie is about emotions.   Yes, emotions! The characters names are emotions!! Really.   How much more could this appeal to me?  The central character was an eleven year old named Riley.  

Seriously! 

 I laughed, and I felt like I had to cry but couldn't.  I still feel blocked up about that.  I have been studying emotions for the better part of my entire life.  I've always been an observer.  Getting a Masters' degree in Counseling was just the beginning of my formal training.  I'm sure that it began earlier than that, in childhood.  Now, the last 7-8 years I've really been concentrating by using therapy, life occurrences and a passion to understand feelings.  Infertility and postpartum depression blew me away.   I felt so lost and alone.   Therapy helped me to begin to understand what was going on and to heal. 

Along the way, these are the issues that I have delved into head first:  dieting and exercise, eating disorders, compulsions, codependency, spirituality, religion, The Twelve Steps, mindfulness, perfectionism, self-esteem, forgiveness, acceptance, dying, and grief.  One has led into another and my life has opened up beyond measure.

But yet still I hide.  I feel like I hide. 

There are so many thoughts I have and I have spent so much time studying and learning, yet still I think I don't know enough.  I will always be a life long student but I do know some things.  I don't give myself enough credit.  

I am still afraid to tell what I really believe.  

I think one of the reasons that I do, is because I still label myself overweight in my head.  Because I have not attained perfection in my body size that discounts all of the thoughts in my head, my life experience, and the intensive study I have undertaken. 

So I still have low self esteem.  {chuckling}

I don't know what it is. But I feel like breaking out of this.   This coming school year I have less on my plate - less volunteering with things I felt I had to do.  There will still be volunteering just in another capacity - with less planning on my end.  I am currently feeling passionate about the following things: getting my house in order (clearing the way for a cleaner vision), practicing yoga, and planning time with my friends.  

Oh, and running a household and raising two daughters.  One being a teenager very, very soon.

I just can't sit around and wait for the phone to ring.  I have to get off my tuckus and initiate things myself.  

Here goes.

Namaste.

Practicing Self Love One Leadership Role At A Time

I have been volunteering to lead things.

Yes, really.

This is new territory for me.

Last week,  I was the co-leader for the craft activity for 350 kids during our week long Vacation Bible School at church.  This step has been years in the making.  To others around me, I can tell, it's no big deal.  And in some ways, it really isn't.  Except this was me in a leadership capacity, I NEVER EVER saw myself doing.

Progressing in my shift from fear to love, one of the things that I have learned, is that it is a very slow journey.  And progress is seen, after the fact.  What I noticed this week, is that I rolled with things that were uncomfortable for me.  There were problems and imperfections that would have thrown me into a huge tailspin in the past.   As I wouldn't speak up in the past, acting on my intuition is new territory.   I enjoyed seeing the needs, acting on what needed to be done and watching my directive occur.

 I like working with adults more than children.  It's just a fact and my truth.  I enjoyed chatting with my adult volunteers.  The thought of going back to be a guide leading kids is not appealing at all.  And I've been in a few capacities during VBS for the last 10 years.

After I came home each day last week and the adrenalin slowed, I was utterly exhausted.   During the week,  I took to my bed as much as I could around the needs of my children.  I know that there is no doubt, I am an introvert.  I'm a friendly introvert, but social interactions, leave me drained.  I can only recharge by being alone and doing absolutely nothing.  No internet, no tv, and no talking, just solitude.  When I'm exhausted, I eat as it feels that I will never have energy again.  This particular feeling appears to be a difficult one for me to overcome.  There are so many times that I am tired.  But, this also gives me more time to practice, right?! {smile}   I use to question, why, why am I so tired?  And I would think no one else in the world is tired like you.  I judged myself unmercifully.   I have learned not to question it anymore, it just is.  And I have to not beat myself up about the overeating.  Self-love is the only way out of this and as I have read and listened to experts in the field of compulsiveness, I need to be curious about the behavior, not judgmental.

I am doing things I never thought I could do.  And it takes practice.  This is my written reminder to practice self-love.

A few weeks back, after I lead a week of Mission Day Camp with the kids, I ran into our Spiritual Formation Director and I said working with kids really wasn't my thing.  She said there was a need for adult teachers in several studies...

This seems very, very appealing.  I get excited about that.  I may be on to something.  And all of this practice in other areas that didn't necessarily excite me has been laying a groundwork to step out in areas that do follow my passion.

Namaste.

My First Red Carpet…

Recently, a good friend and I attended a Red Carpet Gala for a fabulously intimate downtown theatre.  What was the reason to make my introverted self buy a new outfit and get dressed up on a weeknight and drive downtown by myself?

Rick Springfield!

The last few years, I have been stepping out and doing all sorts of things I would normally not do.  I lived in fear. Before, I wouldn't have left the kids, I wouldn't have wanted to find a dress and deal with body image issues. I wouldn't have driven downtown. I would have worried about parking.  I would have worried if I was "good enough" to be there because I thought everyone else was "better" than me. All of those ideas are non-issues now, but they held me captive.  Those were the stories I told myself.



And this is what my soul journey is all about!  Letting go of what has held me captive.


Our night started out good, took an immediate downturn and then perked up, and ended spectacularly.  Before we even arrived to the venue, walking from the parking garage, I dropped my friend's phone and cracked the screen.  Not a good start.

I knew in that moment, I had to let it go because I wanted to enjoy the evening.  It was an accident.  After the shock, she had to let it go as well, it was her phone!  I offered to help pay for it, and she said she needed a glass of wine so off we went.  We started chatting with acquaintances.  It was still in the back of my mind but I pushed it back enough to let go and have a good time.  I had a small shame spiral the next day but it flowed through.

I knew a lot of people there and we enjoyed our pre-concert time.  There was a booth to take pictures with Rick cut outs and it was a raffle with the prize meeting Rick after the concert.








Guess who won?

In preparation for the concert, I dug out my one Rick Springfield Greatest Hits CD and checked out his autobiography called, "Late, Late At Night" and began reading and listening. His story was compelling.  I watched present day interviews when he became tearful talking about his life-long depression, suicide attempt and use of meditation, writing and the love of his family to survive.  This is my kind of rock star.  Tortured, vulnerable, talented and truthful.

I hadn't listened to any of his recent music since the 80's but started finding it on the web and was fascinated.  All day before the concert, I did my research.  I have to prepare before I go and refamiliarize myself with Rick and his current endeavors, including his newly releasing fiction book.
Up until yesterday, I still had two chapters left to read in his memoir and I put off finishing them.  I didn't want to say goodbye to Rick.  It was such a fun night of great music, dancing, and a thrilling chance to meet him.

I have now finished the book.  I have now written the blog.  And I can always reminisce about this great memory.  It will always be a great memory and the possibilities of what can happen when you step out of your comfort zone:  the good, the bad and the spectacular!

Sex and the City Fifteenth Anniversary!

The fifteenth anniversary of the first Sex and the City show was a few weeks back.    I had to work through my prudishness to be able to really enjoy it over time.   The first years of the series pushed so many sexual boundaries of what had previously been on tv in regards to sex and the single girl, I wouldn't admit to others how much I enjoyed it.  Even now, I still found myself scared to post on FB about the anniversary.

Among the anniversary media, there were a few articles and videos which inspired me to come up with my all time 15 Favorite Moments of Sex and The City.  Here they go:

1-When Carrie was determined to be "Fashion Road Kill" by Stanford during a Fashion Show
2-All of Miranda's friends showing up for her mother's funeral, Carrie stepping in the processional and then seeing Steve and Aiden in the pew
3-When Carrie ducked sitting at her laptop when Aiden sent an email so he wouldn't see her.
4-The Batman/ Green Hornet episode:  How Aiden and Big became friends.
5-Miranda shopping for her wedding dress,  "Nothing white, ivory, I have a baby the jig is up."
6- When Smith shaves his head in solidarity with Samantha as she is losing her hair to chemo during her cancer battle.
7-Charlotte: "I'm a bad wife, I ordered Chinese." Harry saying it had arrived as he showed her the picture of the daughter they would adopt from China.  I have seen this episode numerous times and each and every time, I get verklempt.  Charlotte's infertility came in real time after mine.
8-Samantha giving Miranda her hair appointment and volunteering to babysit Miranda's son so she could go in her place. Using her "new" vibrator when the vibrating bouncy seat goes out.
9-Miranda and Steve meeting on the Brooklyn Bridge as they decide to continue their marriage
10-Harry proposing at the Jewish mixer after they had broken up.
11-Steve and Miranda realizing they should be together over the First Birthday Cake of their son in the laundry room -
12-Samantha finding a grey hair down there, accidentally dies her pubic hair red like a clown.
13-Miranda telling Big to "Go get our girl" in Paris
14-Finding out what "Big's real name was
15-The girls screaming when Carrie arrives at the coffee shop from Paris (Charlotte's baby's picture is propped on the table)

Here are my other notes about the series:  
I pulled for Aiden!  He was such a nice, handsome, and most importantly kind and giving boyfriend, but I guess Carrie needed a hint more danger.  He wasn't the one.

In the first movie, I was stunned and it took me time to acclimate to the drama of it all.  I was used to a 22 minute sitcom.  This was full scale DRAMA.  I had to watch it a couple of times to appreciate it.  AND the whole non-marriage event could have been prevented had she walked up and talked to him instead of violently hitting him with the flowers.  He was ready to get married but needed assurance from her. (But it couldn't have been a  2 1/2 hour movie had she done that...)

I love this series.  I still watch the sanitized reruns and feel like I'm sitting with old friends (the kind that I've actually never met!)  It is comforting, and funny, and poignant.  And I have to decide at what age, my daughters can watch it?!

Dragging the family to the sight of the movie non-wedding last Christmas.  The NY Public Library

Divine Timing in the Ladies Room

I tried a new Spiritual discipline tonight completely and utterly by chance.  Prior to that, I had walked out of my current Sunday evening study and felt heart heavy.

My goal attending this particular evening class is to use it as practice for speaking up.  I have never felt brave enough to speak my thoughts in these types of mixed settings.  The vibe in this class though is very different from the ones that I have been deliberately choosing to change my image of God.  Most classes I have been in of late, have been swathed in spiritual oneness, and compassion and have been healing my religious wounds by leaps and bounds.  I have never had one snarky comment made towards me.

Well, that occurred tonight.  The trick about speaking up is that your words can come back at you in positive or negative ways.  I could continue to remain passive and just listen but  I really want to grow through this, yet growing requires uncomfortableness.

And I am growing RIGHT NOW.

In contrast to Sunday nights class, I attend a class at our Spiritual Formation Center on Sunday mornings and I felt at home from the first visit on.   I don't ever want to leave.  After months of speaking up, I was called out for being a "Spiritual Pilgrim."  These people speak my language and are having the same aha's I have been having.  When I hear people express the very same thoughts that I have had, it is so affirming.  It is exactly the opposite of what I felt leaving my class Sunday night.

We ended early, I ran into the bathroom and one of my favorite spiritual teachers happened to be in the stall next to mine. She invited myself and the other bathroom inhabitant to participate in Taize.

Hmmm.    My stomach turned slightly.  This is brand new and I had never experienced it.  Uncomfortable.   I asked how long it would take.  Twenty minutes, which would have me leaving at the same time as the study normally did.

Perfect timing.

I must GO FOR IT.

On this night with my heavy heart, I came into our conference room whose floor is a labyrinth and it was dimly lit with candles.   This meditative walk is an ancient practice used by many different faiths for centering, contemplation and prayer.  One walks slowly on the path while quieting the mind and focusing on a spiritual question or a prayer and stops in the center to sit, kneel or pray and then walk out the path once again.

As I walked the heaviness of my heart dissipated.  I decided to repeat the mantra of, "woundedness out", "love in."  I practiced breathing that as well.  I breathed love in, and exhaled woundedness as I have learned in yoga.

This is exactly where I needed to be and the experience I needed to have to affirm God's presence in my life.

It was perfect divine timing in the ladies' room.

Judging

Twelve weeks ago, I had a facebook "friend" who urged his friends not to watch Dancing with the Stars because of Chaz Bono's participation. So many feelings came up reading his post. I completely and utterly disagree with his reasoning for boycotting the show. Is this a post that I want to engage and disagree with? In finally realizing I have a voice, is this the issue that I want to be heard on?

Expressing my voice and choosing when to do so and when not to do so is still shaky and I will practice this skill for the rest of my life. This particular issue is tangling with the ever judgemental right. And why do I abhor the right so much? They are pretty good at passing judgement and using the Bible to do so. I have much practice with judgment because I have done it to myself for years and now that I am learning to show myself kindness and love in a healthy way, I find myself stopping my critical thoughts of OTHERS when they first pop in my mind. I use to judge others a lot but I did think that issues were grey.

I caught a 2000 Oprah rerun on XM radio with Gary Zukav, the author of "The Seat of the Soul." I think I might have listened to this before and it sounded a little hoo ha. But I now know that hearing it eleven years ago was laying the foundation for me to understand the concepts and further my soul's journey. One idea mentioned among other brilliant ones was when anyone was judging another, the root cause is pain and fear in the judger (and something that needs to be worked out.)

Here is one of Gary's quote that applies:

“When you have an emotional reaction to what you see, you are judging. That is your signal that you have an issue inside of yourself - with yourself - not with the other person. If you react to evil, look inside yourself for the very thing that so agitates you, and you will find it. If it were not there, you will simply discern, act appropriately, and move on.”

― Gary Zukav, Soul to Soul: Communications from the Heart

Darn it, now understanding this dynamic I get that I am now judging the anti-DWTS (anti-transgender) person. Now, I've got more work myself which I know anyway. This is going to be a lifelong process and I am thrilled to be on this ride. I recognize that although I am fully supportive of gay, lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual persons, and their rights this is a rather new stand for me. It has come around in the last years and reconciling it with what I believe God thinks on the subject. So this is newish. I still have a little fear in my position, but I would rather have a little doubt, than think I know everything!!

And by the way, I think this year's Dancing with the Stars was fantastic at pushing boundaries. Not only was there the first transgendered contestant, but the first wounded war veteran (soap star) and along with the skimpy costumes which I don't like, we did see someone was accepted for who they are and not how they look.

A Gem

This quote has been brought to my attention again recently. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. " This is Oprah by way of Maya Angelou, I think. But it is SO true. People are who they are, not who I want them to be and vice versa ( that's another similar quote I recently posted). And from the first "showing" to the twelfth showing - they are who they are. And more than likely they are not going to change. It will have to be me. I will have to go to the uncomfortable place of changing habits and yet I then will be free. Discomfort eventually leads to moving on and freedom. This is a new habit of mine and I'm keeping it.

I learned this lesson up close and personal the last few days. And the really neat aspect of the situation is that it was without much drama because the skill is now in my repertoire, it is coming faster. I recognized the truth and pinpointed exactly why I didn't believe when I already knew in the first place. As in why did I keep engaging with this particular person when I knew what our history was? I didn't want to go out of my comfort zone. And then the anger comes in. And the kicker is, I'm not really angry at the other person although it feels that way in the beginning. I'm angry because I knew better and didn't listen to my instincts. And you know what, it is okay not to be perfect either. I am not beating myself up because I needed to learn that lesson. It's just time to move on, and there is some discomfort. And I'm sure I will learn it again about someone else or something else. Maybe the process will go faster, maybe not.

And this is all related to listening to my gut. I am taught the lesson again again to listen to my instincts. It is so crucial. I read or hear interviews when other people say these same ideas and I completely understand the point and it resonates with me. There is a reason it is resonating, it speaks to my soul. And it seems that more and more my journey is about being well with my soul and the above mentioned freedom. And when I am well with my soul, everything else flows better. And the soul is about love. And that is where God comes in, because in my book, he is all about love.

I can conquer VBS!!

Some aspects of life are becoming easier with all of the work I'm doing and working Vacation Bible School is a signpost. Over the years, I have volunteered in mainly 2 different capacities: as a guide who is responsible for taking the children around to their activities for 3 hours and then the other with helping the children with their craft for 4-5 twenty minute sessions. I analyzed the two jobs to the Nth degree because I had a horrible week of VBS 2 years ago as a guide. I hated every moment of it. I became paranoid and despised the craft people because their job was soooo much easier. I wanted to know how they got that job, who did they sleep with??!!! Yes, I was having a really bad week, a little PMS was going on amongst other things.

It just happened to be unfortunate circumstances, where basically I was left alone with 12-15 first graders and I really didn't like being around kids at the time or know how to entertain them or keep them from misbehaving. My co group leader's child became sick, my one youth worker fell ill, and I was left alone with: boys who were acting up, a boy who was inquisitive and disappeared from the group and a mean girl who made the other girls cry. I didn't have the skills or know what to do.
Flash forward two years later, I volunteered to be a guide again(!) yet requested a younger group. I now know to keep them active and engaged, be firm yet loving. I know to play games. I know to call the active child out and sit by them and give them some attention and discipline even if it is Vacation Bible School. I know to ask for help and keep asking if it doesn't come. Some of this has come with experience but some of it has come about because I am more comfortable in my own skin now. I have moved from feeling like a victim to having a voice and using it assertively.

The biggest signpost to me that I am thinking differently is that I realized...I don't HAVE to work VBS. I have volunteered for 6+ years and I can take a break. That thought had NEVER entered my mind. This is thinking out of the box, finally! My list of "supposed to's" is really being evaluated.

VBS went so much more smoothly this year. Everyone was well, I've got a good group of cadets including my own daughter. My co guide is fantastic! The youth workers are helpful. I know better what to do and maybe our bright safety orange shirts keep me alert! It is exhausting work but I am not feeling overwhelmed and desperate. During the week, I got a babysitter and enjoyed some quiet down time because I needed it. I know how better to take care of myself in order to take care of my children and be able to volunteer for VBS and retain my sanity. I can conquer VBS... or not!!

Things that go beep

This week I had a special relationship to things that go beep. My beloved minivan decided to let me know something was going on all day on Wednesday. It began beeping at me quietly and inconsistenly but by the end of the day, it would not stop and was unyielding. You know that annoying beep that says a car door is open, sort of like the one that big trucks make, when they are backing up. The only problem was that, the van doors slide shut and this seemed to be where the wretched sound was eminating. Do you know how much time I spend in my car? Two schools, two different starting and ending times- four trips. Not to mention any other errand I might be running. One urgent trip to pick up my my mother in law for a blood transfusion (she has undetermined anemia) and take her to the hospital. I talked the children in to skipping Little Gym because I could not take getting into the car and driving anymore. Then the service manager at the Toyota dealership calls and says bring it in by 5, we will determine the problem. Okay, I drag the kids because I have GOT to get this thing fixed. I put it in drive and it beeped the entire time, in rush hour traffic, going 15 mph on the interstate. I turned up the Glee soundtrack loudly for Riley and I, while Mallory had headphones on watching a movie. I was on the brink, I was not going to let this do me in. I want to tape the noise to give you the feel of it, but I fear it will put me into post traumatic stress syndrome.

It ended up being a Nintendo DS stick stuck under a door closing mechanism, not allowing the sensor to know the door was closed. So simple and NO CHARGE! On Thursday, my security key pad starts beeping that there is a smoke problem, yet there seems to be no smoke anywhere in the house or attic. And on Friday, my keys get stuck in the back door and wouldn't come out.

At least they weren't beeping at me and I had an extra set.

The Wild Thing

I did go to yoga today as my last entry alluded to. There was something that was causing me to hold back and not want to go. I knew I NEEDED to go. As I've written before, yoga is not just exercise for me, but pushing myself out of my physical AND emotional comfort zone. In this class two surprising things happened. Early in the class, I was in a pose on my stomach laying on the floor, arching my back up then resting and then going up a little higher each time, my face suddenly came into the sunlight. It felt totally poetic. I was in the light!! It felt meant to be. And the whole window was blocked with a wall of large exercise balls in rows so it was not that easy to come across this ray of light that I was bathed in. I took note.

Secondly, there is a pose called the Wild Thing. I just love the name. I have watched while others have done it but I DIDN'T try. I think that is how my personality has come out with the practice of yoga. I didn't even TRY things that I might like. Wild thing starts with downward dog (pictured above) - and then you kick your leg up, allow it to bend at the knee and then you stretch and then blindly allow yourself to fall over into a one armed back bend. And I DID IT!!!
AND, when I was looking this up to put the right terms and photos, there was a note that said this is an advanced position, not for beginners. Woo Hoo. An advanced position!!